Married men and strippers

[MamaBearTeacher]

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

Is it just normal male behavior? no big deal? If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion? If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do? What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper? How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers? Would it change your opinion of him? Would you feel sad for a few days?

 

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

 

Any other opinions/experiences?

[MercyA]

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

No idea. (ETA: The only men I've known who went to see strippers were highly educated, white collar, and well-off.)

 

Is it just normal male behavior? no big deal?

 

No, and no.

 

If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion?

 

Yes. "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

 

If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do?

 

Leave.

 

What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper?

 

Have a serious discussion and go from there.

 

How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers? Would it change your opinion of him? Would you feel sad for a few days?

 

Disappointed; yes; depends on the person.

 

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

 

n/a; have a serious discussion.

 

Edited July 23, 2016 by MercyA

[Miss Mousie]

It would be a big deal if my husband went to a club, but I wouldn't "require" him to leave a bachelor party (not that he would go to any party without me in the first place).  As for my son, once he is of age he can do as he wishes.  The most I might say to him would be to warn him of the prevalence of drugs and the potential for violence.

 

As for friends going, that's not my business at all.

 

[SemiSweet]

It would be a big deal if my husband went to a club, but I wouldn't "require" him to leave a bachelor party (not that he would go to any party without me in the first place). As for my son, once he is of age he can do as he wishes. The most I might say to him would be to warn him of the prevalence of drugs and the potential for violence.

 

As for friends going, that's not my business at all.

Agree with all this.

 

If my dh went there would be some serious discussions, but I don't consider it adultery. I still would not be okay with it. If it was for a bachelor party, I would still be bothered but not require him to leave. I have friends and know people who go to strip clubs, that is their business. If my son went, as an adult we'd have some discussions but I think it's something people will generally check out a time or two in their lives, few people that I know of seem to feel the need to go with any frequency. I've gone to a couple so it would be rather hypocritical to decry it all or claim moral superiority.

[ktgrok]

This happened. My husband (before he was my husband, we were just dating at the time, not engaged or whatever) was a best man for a friend who wanted to have his bachelor party at a strip club. I was not happy about it, but not in a place to demand it not happen. I did insist no lap dances. And was honestly disgusted by the entire thing, and upset for a long time. I think it is totally inappropriate on so many levels, and when we got married I made it clear that him going to a strip club for his own bachelor party was not something I would be okay with. Like, would cancel the wedding over. The idea of my husband to be having naked or half naked women trying to arouse him, that were being paid to do so, would have made me vomit. 

 

Single men, whatever, I think it is wrong but don't get as upset. Married men. NO. 

[DawnM]

I would have a serious talk with any male family member in my home who went to see a stripper.  To me it is the same as porn.  But we are fairly conservative Christians who believe that giving in to lust, outside of marriage, is wrong.

[hjffkj]

It would be a big deal in my marriage if my dh went to a strip club or stayed at a bachelor party in which a stripper was present. That is one thing we discussed before marriage and would have been a deal breaker for me if he couldn't understand why it was important to me.

 

I don't care what other men do as long as they're not harming anyone else.

[marbel]

I would be very upset to hear that my husband went to a strip club.  Not sure I would expect him to leave a party if a stripper showed up, but in his circles that is so unlikely as to be laughable. 

 

I don't think strips clubs are harmless fun for anyone.  Purely anecdotal, but I knew a former stripper at one time.  Yes, just one. But she was profoundly damaged by the experience.  She had relationship issues, body image issues, trust issues... and she supposedly worked at a "nice" club where the women were treated well. I've never done any research but I don't see anything good for women in that sort of work.  Well, I guess the money is pretty good, maybe.

 

ETA: I asked.  My husband said he would leave any gathering at which a stripper was present, and if he was with his main circle of friends, he would advise them to leave as well.  But he is a pastor and most of his friends are people from church, and students and employees at a seminary.   He would not go to a strip club under any circumstances. 

Edited July 23, 2016 by marbel

[bolt.]

My DH reports that among his co-workers, going to strip clubs is one of the things they occasionally do together, or an option for entertaining business clients. So, I might say that there is a degree of 'not abnormal' -- it's not a dirty little secret that the do alone, it's just 'going out'. Some would be married, I guess, but I think probably it's more of a 'young single' thing.

 

It's a big deal to me and my DH. He absolutely refuses to participate. He would his consuder it a betrayal, and generally an immoral choice -- but not infidelity. (This too is not considered unusual among his co-workers. Plenty enjoy it, and many refuse to do it.)

 

I would consider it a betrayal, and I would consider 'intent' a primary factor. At a party, if one pooped out of a cake, I'd expect him to turn his back and wander off -- take a phone call or go to the bathroom or something until she was done. I would not expect him to go to a club if he knew that was what the party was.

 

For my DH, there would be a huge problem between us. We'd get counselling, etc.

 

For other men that I respected, I'd downgrade them to not-so-respect-worthy, but more 'just average I guess' in my eyes. Others can have their own approach to this stuff in marriage, and I don't need to have standards for other women's husbands (or single guys). I might be sad if I *highly* respected someone and had to deal with that not being the case anymore -- only if it's a loss of some aspect of an actual relationship.

 

With a son (I have none) is think he was being an idiotic young adult without much good judgment that day. I'd hope to help him see the sex trade as the damaging exploitative thing it (usually) is... But I'm unsure how I'd do that with a grown son.

Edited July 23, 2016 by bolt.

[zoobie]

I have no idea on percentages. I would imagine like most "vices," it's not exclusive to one class. 

 

I'd be white hot pissed if my husband went to one. He wound up at one in college (we were dating, not engaged yet) where he was the designated driver for a bachelor party and was highly uncomfortable. I was irked then, and I knew he didn't feel he could leave because the other driver started drinking heavily. He nursed a plain coke and hid by the door until they were finally ready to leave. He doesn't have any single friends currently. His last good friend who got married went on a long weekend to play golf, but it was right after our 3rd was born so he didn't go. I'd be highly surprised with that guy if there were strippers. The only parties he goes to are work parties, and there aren't strippers appearing. Plenty of other inappropriate behavior to be seen from drunk attorneys, but no strippers. 

 

I don't know that I would feel sad about another man going to strip clubs. I would think he's gross, and he would lose my respect, but it wouldn't make me sad. 

 

We have had discussions with our (11 yo) son about strippers. Here in the Bible Belt, you can find them EVERYWHERE. Isn't that nice? LOL. So what's that hot pink and gold building with all the super fancy cars out front right across from the farmer's market? Drive down 75S to Florida after you get past Macon or so and it's alternating WE BARE ALL with YOUR BABY ALREADY HAS A HEARTBEAT YOU MURDEROUS WHORE billboards. I wouldn't want to know if he ever goes to one. I hope he doesn't, but everyone has to make his own mistakes.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Percentages? I don't know. I doubt it's uncommon. It is not a big deal to me. It objectifies women but that is more my philosophical complaint than a personal judgement on guys who go. An occasional night out is not a problem for me, stopping by every night would be. I would never consider it infidelity. What do I tell my boys? Nothing really. Maybe that wouldn't be the path to a relationship and think about your paltry bank balance.

[katilac]

 At a party, if one pooped out of a cake, 

 

You really can't blame him for staring if a stripper poops out of a cake, lol. 

 

 <snip> Here in the Bible Belt, you can find them EVERYWHERE. Isn't that nice? LOL. So what's that hot pink and gold building with all the super fancy cars out front right across from the farmer's market? Drive down 75S to Florida after you get past Macon or so and it's alternating WE BARE ALL with YOUR BABY ALREADY HAS A HEARTBEAT YOU MURDEROUS WHORE billboards. 

 

Isn't that funny? I live near New Orleans, and, while we definitely have strip clubs, the advertising actually tends to be a lot more discreet. 

 

Although one adult store does have a sign that is a bit of a landmark, as in you hear daily on the radio, "Currently, traffic is backed up to the Adult Video sign . . . " so kids here do tend to ask at a very early age what "adult video" is. 

[AnnE-girl]

My husband's brother took him to a few clubs for his bachelor party. DH went along with it, and I didn't like it, but I didn't make a big deal out of it at the time. It's not something that either of us would be comfortable with now. We've matured, and honestly become a bit more conservative in our religious view of our marriage. I wouldn't necessarily consider it technically cheating, but definitely not something that's healthy for a respectful marriage.

 

I would lose some respect for other men if I found out they frequented strip clubs. I think it's pretty gross that it's considered an acceptable work outing in some circles. Although apparently strippers and worse were common at the local bar association party "back in the day."

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 24, 2016 by ~ d9n

[mamiof5]

Married men? Absolutely not, I'm not ok with that. Dh went once, beginning of our marriage, a very close friend and dh was the best man. I was MAD.

 

My sons? I hope and pray they NEVER go. That's not respecting any woman who is in that position. I want my sons to value and respect women, and places like those are degrading to women.

[kwickimom]

I see it as live porn and I would never be OK with dh going to one. He doesn't go to bachelor parties either for this reason. I would see it as a betrayal if he ever went to one and yes I would leave. I have a zero tolerance when it comes to this stuff and my sons will be told that it is not right and I will explain what it leads to. I have zero respect for any man that goes to strip clubs. 

[SproutMamaK]

I think frequenting strip clubs probably runs the social gamut, although men who are better off financially probably frequent different clubs than blue-collar men. There's money to be made and I'm sure there are ways to make even stripping feel classy and expensive.

If my husband went one, all hell would break loose. It would be a BIG FREAKING DEAL and divorce would not be off the table. Not because it's a one-off thing, but there's a history with sexual struggles that I am not willing to battle through with him again, and he is well aware of it. If he were at a bachelor party where one came out, he would leave (although anyone close enough to invite him would either not have a striper or know that he would leave when the stripper came out, so hopefully no offense would be taken).

 

If my kids went to one, we'd have a serious conversation. We've already HAD the beginnings of such conversations with them, becaue it's time to start sooner rather than later with teaching them to see how society tries to tell men that women are a consumable product. I would not support someone under my roof who was taking the money they were saving by not paying rent and using it to go see strippers. Ie, if they did not agree to stop immediately they would be kicked out.

I'm sure some people see that as overly harsh but as the person who's had to bear the damage done by crap like that I have zero tolerance for it.

Edited July 23, 2016 by SproutMamaK

[Joshin]

People from all social stratospheres go, and it's not just men.

 

I do not see it as infidelity, unless it's an ongoing habit. Once or twice for an event, like a bachelors party? Who cares. I've been to strip clubs for bachelors parties (most of my friends are male), and never once was it that big of a deal. DH and I also have friends in the burlesque show industry, which some liken to stripping and sometimes have shows in higher end strip clubs, so we have been together to support friends. Once again, no big deal.

 

Strippers show up to a bachelor party? My husband should make sure the guys are respectful and don't break any of her rules. Many men don't know how to behave around strippers due to the way society vilifies and taboo-izes the sex industry.

 

My adult 19 to 20 year old son goes to a strip club? His call. My job is to raise them to be adults, then to allow them to be adults. If he chooses to share this with me, we will have a discussion about some of the issues in the sex industry and how they affect the workers, how for some it is actually empowering, and how to approach sex workers with respect.

[SKL]

I remember my mom telling me that, when they were a young couple, my parents went to see a stripper show together.  They wanted to see if it lived up to the hype.  It didn't.

 

Personally I can't think of many things I'd enjoy less than a stripper show.  :p  I did see "the full monty" on TV years ago (at my mom's suggestion) and it was funny, but no thanks.  :p

 

There used to be one across the street from where I worked downtown, and men used to go there for lunch.  I think many of them felt pressured by the older male bosses.  I learned early on that you don't refuse an invitation from a partner to go to lunch or a game or whatever.

 

Times have changed a lot though.  IME people are much more responsible about behaving during the work day, e.g. not drinking at lunch etc.  The strip place stopped being a business lunch option at some point.

Edited July 23, 2016 by SKL

[The Girls' Mom]

It would be a huge deal if my dh went to a strip club.  It wouldn't matter the reason.  It is pretty much deal breaker level of NO.  

 

Yes, I would think less of any married man that felt the need to go to a strip club.  

[Crimson Wife]

My DH reports that among his co-workers, going to strip clubs is one of the things they occasionally do together, or an option for entertaining business clients. So, I might say that there is a degree of 'not abnormal' -- it's not a dirty little secret that the do alone, it's just 'going out'. Some would be married, I guess, but I think probably it's more of a 'young single' thing.

 

Yes, unfortunately the bolded is fairly common in certain industries. One of the reasons why I'm glad my DH got out of financial services.

 

Going for business I tolerate, but lap dances cross the line.

[StephanieZ]

I think strippers and strip clubs, etc, are gross. If my husband chose to go to such a place, I'd be VERY upset. Once, a long time ago, when we were much younger and more apt to go with the flow, he went to (and I agreed with him going to) a bachelor party that included going to strip clubs. It was a very small party for a family friend, and it was sort of a rushed thing (hurried wedding for the classic reason, lol) that my own brother was in charge of (best man), so we felt a family obligation to support it, as dh was also the designated driver . . . I was fine with it, even though it creeped me out to think of my husband seeing naked women (other than myself, lol). He's never chosen to go to such a place other than that one time. In that sort of circumstance, I think sometimes it's alright . . . but if it were a regular thing, or a thing my dh wanted to do of his own accord, then I'd be absolutely upset. I definitely think that any physical contact (lap dance, etc) is NOT OK for a married man. Period. Dh agreed/agrees. 

 

Similarly, if my spouse worked in an industry where that was really required, then I would imagine that I'd try to accept it (on occasion, say once a year), but really, if it were a routine (monthly?) think, then I'd have the opinion that was NOT an industry I'd like him to work in!! It's gross, and it's crass, and it's demeaning to all involved, IMHO. Lap dances or other physical contact on the part of my spouse would absolutely not be tolerated.

 

So far as men other than my spouse, including my adult children, I have nothing to do with their sexual choices. I'm sure if the topic came up, I'd make it known that I think it's creepy and that it demeans their relationship, but that's their choice, their relationship, and not my business. I'd sympathize with their wife if the wife opposed it, for sure, but I wouldn't butt in. For sure, I'd think poorly of the man's choices, but I realize that a large portion of men (and women) have actual affairs, and I'm generally just happy that no one in my circle admits such things, as I'd be very uncomfortable with it, and I would think less of them and feel sorry for their wives. To me, it'd feel like I learned a married man had an affair or saw prostitutes . . . it would totally make me think less of him, but I'd try to not think about it, so long as it didn't involve MY marriage. And, for SURE, I'd not encourage a social "couples" relationship with the couple, as I have no desire for MY spouse to be buddies with someone who thinks that sort of behavior is normal and fun. Nope, no way. Keep it a "secret", and I'll try to ignore it, though (other than not fostering relationships between the guys . . .)

 

 

[Dmmetler]

I would be very upset to hear that my husband went to a strip club. Not sure I would expect him to leave a party if a stripper showed up, but in his circles that is so unlikely as to be laughable.

 

I don't think strips clubs are harmless fun for anyone. Purely anecdotal, but I knew a former stripper at one time. Yes, just one. But she was profoundly damaged by the experience. She had relationship issues, body image issues, trust issues... and she supposedly worked at a "nice" club where the women were treated well. I've never done any research but I don't see anything good for women in that sort of work. Well, I guess the money is pretty good, maybe.

 

ETA: I asked. My husband said he would leave any gathering at which a stripper was present, and if he was with his main circle of friends, he would advise them to leave as well. But he is a pastor and most of his friends are people from church, and students and employees at a seminary. He would not go to a strip club under any circumstances.

FWIW, I've known several strippers. (While in college, I worked at a 24 hour daycare center, and it was one of the only options for child care for strippers/exotic dancers, and I became friends with some of them) Pretty much across the board they could have been described as profoundly damaged before becoming strippers-that is, life and their past relationships had broken them down such that they had little self confidence in themselves and were just trying to get by (every single one has also been a young single mom supporting a child and who discovered that stripping at least let them put food on the table). Having said that, the ones that had an exit plan (the ones who were stripping at night and taking college classes during the day, for example) often left the job and ended up pulling it together. I also knew of a couple who met men at work and married them-and some of those marriages have now lasted longer than a lot of others who met in what would considered more wholesome situations.

 

And let me tell you, if you want a lecture on safe TeA and being careful as a college girl, talk to strippers! Believe me, those women, many of whom were my age or younger, were some of the best education I could have-and had really, really good "he's no good for you" radar. They also had the pulse on the different groups in a college town-they knew which fraternities had the guys who would come in the club and brag about their conquests and behavior, which were heavy drug users, and which simply weren't safe.

[TranquilMind]

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

Is it just normal male behavior? no big deal? If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion? If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do? What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper? How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers? Would it change your opinion of him? Would you feel sad for a few days?

 

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

 

Any other opinions/experiences?

No idea what percentage do this (and how financially wasteful is that), but no, it is not normal, and all men don't do this!  

 

Not my place to judge other men,  but Jesus said it was infidelity.  "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28  That's authoritative enough for us.

I would tell my son that those women are someone's mothers and sisters and need to be treated with honor and dignity, not objectified, and as a matter of ethics, not to support that (not to mention our faith as well). 

 

[TranquilMind]

FWIW, I've known several strippers. (While in college, I worked at a 24 hour daycare center, and it was one of the only options for child care for strippers/exotic dancers, and I became friends with some of them) Pretty much across the board they could have been described as profoundly damaged before becoming strippers-that is, life and their past relationships had broken them down such that they had little self confidence in themselves and were just trying to get by (every single one has also been a young single mom supporting a child and who discovered that stripping at least let them put food on the table). Having said that, the ones that had an exit plan (the ones who were stripping at night and taking college classes during the day, for example) often left the job and ended up pulling it together. I also knew of a couple who met men at work and married them-and some of those marriages have now lasted longer than a lot of others who met in what would considered more wholesome situations.

 

And let me tell you, if you want a lecture on safe TeA and being careful as a college girl, talk to strippers! Believe me, those women, many of whom were my age or younger, were some of the best education I could have-and had really, really good "he's no good for you" radar. They also had the pulse on the different groups in a college town-they knew which fraternities had the guys who would come in the club and brag about their conquests and behavior, which were heavy drug users, and which simply weren't safe.

I've known some too, and I agree with everything you say here. 

[heartlikealion]

Dh and I aren't interested in strip clubs. I wouldn't want him to go, but I don't know that he'd have a good time, anyway so that would make it less bothersome lol. I don't consider it normal behavior for married men. I would want to know about the invitation before the fact so I could have time to object. I don't think dh would tag along to that part of the bachelor party even if I said nothing. For his own bachelor party he just wanted to go to the movies.

 

Yes, it would affect my opinion if I found out a married person in my circle of friends did that. Male or female. I might ponder if they have an open relationship or if this was done in secrecy or what.

 

Stripper and son question. I don't know, oldest child is not that old yet. One time? I might blow it off as some peer pressure thing/curiosity. More than once? Not happy about that. Dh has already influenced ds into thinking that the premise of places like Twin Peaks is unsavory.

[Arcadia]

I have known ex-collegues from sales and from engineering that go to bars that are "gentlemen's clubs". The sales guys are more open about it and go to local ones as well as overseas ones when on business trips. Some are in open marriages so everyone just gossip in the office pantry. The engineers are the ones who do that mainly on business trips to the extent that we know which engineer should be hotel roommates with which engineer when booking double hotel rooms for an outstation work trip.

I don't know any strippers but my friends had college classmates that worked as strippers for bachelor parties when they studied in Australia decades ago.

[kewb]

Bachelor party is one thing. I wouldn't be thrilled but it is somewhat expected.

 

To actually go out to a strip club with friends for the heck of it? No. I would not be okay with that.

 

If I found out a friend I respected was frequenting strip clubs it would alter my opinion.

 

My teen son knows my opinion on porn and strippers. Objectifying women for your gratification is not okay. A lot of those women are not there willingly.

Edited July 23, 2016 by kewb

[Joshin]

I have a very, very, very close loved one that has been a sex worker, and would likely become one again if the situation was right. Not all sex workers actually have sex or are even touched by clients. In fact, this loved one's work as a sex worker was almost like being a nude therapist for many of their clients. I don't really feel like getting into more details on this particular board, where judgements tend to run high, but I do feel the need to speak up and say that not all sex workers have "baggage" or "issues," many are wonderful, good, caring, and kind individuals that treat their loved ones and family like gold, and very few of them want the pity or sympathy of anyone else. In every industry we are selling something, whether it's a product, service, or a fantasy.

[Anacharsis]

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

Is it just normal male behavior? no big deal? If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion? If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do? What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper? How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers? Would it change your opinion of him? Would you feel sad for a few days?

 

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

 

Any other opinions/experiences?

 

A place to start might be Elizabeth Wood's paper, Working in the Fantasy Factory: The Attention Hypothesis and the Enacting of Masculine Power in Strip Clubs. If I understand her correctly, strippers make men feel more manly, so are more popular in areas with stricter gender roles where men constantly compare themselves against the traditional markers of masculinity. It looks like she studied people who go as their own idea, rather than as part of a company outing or to a friend's bachelor party.

 

I would try to explain the difference between being physically a man, and the set of cultural ideas that people hold up about what it means. I guess the closest parallel I can think of is Betty Friedan's Feminine Mystique, which talks about this from a woman's perspective.

 

From a classical education perspective, Lord Chesterfield talked about this in Letters to His Son:

 

The character which most young men first aim at is, that of a Man of Pleasure; but they generally take it upon trust; and instead of consulting their own taste and inclinations, they blindly adopt whatever those with whom they chiefly converse are pleased to call by the name of Pleasure; and a Man of Pleasure in the vulgar acceptation of that phrase, means only a beastly drunkard, an abandoned whoremaster, and a profligate swearer and curser.

 

I always naturally hated drinking; and yet I have often drunk, with disgust at the time, attended by great sickness the next day, only because I then considered drinking as a necessary qualification for a fine gentleman and a Man of Pleasure.

 

The same as to gaming. I did not want money, and consequently had no occasion to play for it; but I thought Play another necessary ingredient in the composition of a Man of Pleasure, and accordingly I plunged into it without desire, at first; sacrificed a thousand real  pleasures to it; and made myself solidly uneasy by it, for thirty of the best years of my life.

 

[. . .]

 

Thus seduced by fashion, and blindly adopting nominal pleasures, I lost real ones; and my fortune impaired, and my constitution shattered, are, I must confess, the just punishment of my errors.

Edited July 23, 2016 by Anacharsis

[Guest]

No idea how common it is generally but it is totally unacceptable in my circles, even for bachelor parties. My husband has never been in a club of any kind and I've only been in one - and everyone was fairly clothed.

[Guest]

This happened. My husband (before he was my husband, we were just dating at the time, not engaged or whatever) was a best man for a friend who wanted to have his bachelor party at a strip club. I was not happy about it, but not in a place to demand it not happen. I did insist no lap dances. And was honestly disgusted by the entire thing, and upset for a long time. I think it is totally inappropriate on so many levels, and when we got married I made it clear that him going to a strip club for his own bachelor party was not something I would be okay with. Like, would cancel the wedding over. The idea of my husband to be having naked or half naked women trying to arouse him, that were being paid to do so, would have made me vomit.

 

Single men, whatever, I think it is wrong but don't get as upset. Married men. NO.

That's a good way to put it. Even if we weren't highly religious I have big issues with the premise, itself. Single guys? Not awesome. But married? Heck no.

[Tanaqui]

Let's see.

 

1. I don't think going to see naked women (or naked men, for that matter) is inherently immoral. However

 

1a. there is a non-zero amount of coerced labor in the industry, and that IS immoral. Strip clubs cannot be spun as a necessity, no matter how you look at it. If you can't be certain that everybody in there is there entirely of their own volition, you ought to find some other way to entertain yourself.

 

2. If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship then you probably should not be going to strip clubs... at least, not without your partner. Some couples enjoy this sort of thing, and more power to them. And for that matter, not all marriages are monogamous - I happen to know several people who are poly. If you and your partner(s) agree, openly, that this sort of thing is okay, then that's your business, I suppose.

 

3. If a stripper just suddenly appears - like at a bachelor's party - then it's up to the individual to decide if they're going to stand there and implicitly judge their friends. This might or might not be the right call for them. That's not for me to say. However, again, if you're committed to monogamy then in this situation you should probably have your partner or spouse's opinions in mind. If they'd absolutely FREAK if they knew you were there with a stripper, even if it was just sprung on you, then you should probably leave. If they'd be like "LOL, how funny!" then you might not have to.

 

4. I don't have a teenage son, but I'd probably reiterate what I said here - you have to make your own moral choices, but you should be aware of a high degree of coerced labor in the industry and the fact that most people in our society (including your possible romantic partners now and in the future) don't see this as just another activity.

 

5. How am I theoretically finding out about my 20 year old son going to a strip club? Like, did I accidentally find out, or did they tell me? At any rate, they're not under my control and their actions are their responsibility at that point, not mine. If they're not harming others, then when they're an adult they probably won't have to sit through my lectures anymore! (But I reserve the right to chide them over smelling really bad or shoplifting or cutting in front of a toddler in the bathroom.)

[MercyA]

I have zero respect for any man that goes to strip clubs. 

 

:iagree:

[StaceyinLA]

Having been married to a man who frequented strip clubs, and was unfaithful, I would not tolerate a husband who went to strip clubs. If it happened at a bachelor party (my now husband wouldn't attend one of those anyway), I'd probably let it go, but I am not remotely tolerant of strip clubs, nudie mags, or anything of the sort.

[SKL]

My kid sister's friend, who was a rural preacher's daughter, became a stripper in the nearest big city.  It was the talk of the small town at one point.  :P  I don't have a heart to look down upon the women.  I'm super thankful I had other ways to make or find a buck.

[Guest]

When I worked in the law firm, it was not uncommon for lawyers to go to a strip club as the social part of networking, much like playing golf. I don't really get that, but I know it occurred. I do remember one law clerk saying he had zero interest in that and described it thusly: "Why do I want to sit around with a bunch of guys, getting h@rny over a girl I can't touch?" Astute. A couple of the secretaries I worked with were a lot more involved with and comfortable with the industry. One dated, then married a guy who managed a strip club. Another married a guy who stripped. This also meant that I was involved with a couple different parties where there were strippers, male or female.

 

One such party, DH and I were there together. The wife had bought the stripper for her hubby's birthday. It was honestly just gross and embarrassing, because it was a mixed crowd, including a couple grannies or Uncle Joe or whatever. We didn't leave, but some people did; we stayed for a bit, but it was just awkward and weird by then.

 

I'm not categorically opposed to it, but it doesn't make much sense to me, especially for a married man. I think my law clerk friend was right. If DH went to one, I don't think I would be "furious," but I wouldn't be pleased. To me it's just traveling down a path the leads either to nothing or to no good. I do believe we're all journeying towards something, so I care about the direction indicated by choices. If it's not a direction you mean to go, don't head that way, KWIM?

[Carrie12345]

Is "normal" being defined as "acceptable" here, or as "common"?  Because there are an estimated 400,000 strippers employed by 4,000 strip clubs in the US.  (I don't know if that includes businesses that use other terms, and I've no doubt there are many off-the-books and straight up sex traffiking situations in addition to those numbers.)  I'm sure it takes quite a few men to keep them all in business!

[mellifera33]

It's probably common, among certain groups. In my mind, the people who would frequent strip clubs would be guys who are kind of slimy, used car salesman types who go around slapping each other on the backs and yelling "Boo-yah!" It just seems really tacky to me. 

[katilac]

It's probably common, among certain groups. In my mind, the people who would frequent strip clubs would be guys who are kind of slimy, used car salesman types who go around slapping each other on the backs and yelling "Boo-yah!" It just seems really tacky to me. 

 

It's definitely not restricted to certain groups, and patrons definitely don't all meet your stereotype. 

 

Like zoobie pointed out, there are strip clubs in abundance in the bible belt, some of them in areas that don't seem to have a grocery store or a stop light. 

[mellifera33]

It's definitely not restricted to certain groups, and patrons definitely don't all meet your stereotype. 

 

Like zoobie pointed out, there are strip clubs in abundance in the bible belt, some of them in areas that don't seem to have a grocery store or a stop light. 

 

Yeah, I was just giving my impressions. But if I find out that someone frequents a strip club, yeah, I will think they are tacky. 

[FaithManor]

I am against the objectification of women. Period. So we have tried to raise the boys to respect females too much to consider doing something like this. So far, at this time, I appear to have some solidly feminist boys who understand that women in these jobs are often badly exploited. Dh knew before we married that I was very much against the stripping industry, amongst other things, and was aware that this was a make or break issue for me. He once left a bachelor's party early because there was going to be a stripper.

 

As for others, I would imagine the feelings of wives and girlfriends and of the men in question, run the gamut in terms of personal boundaries so I do not judge other people's marital borders. I may not personally like it, but it is up to them to choose and would never voice an opinion.

 

I do think it is against the tenets of several religions so there is the faith issue to consider. In addition to my personal boundaries, it would be quite looked down upon within our faith circle.

Edited July 24, 2016 by FaithManor

[foxbridgeacademy]

I wasn't going to answer this but I read through some of the posts and it looks like most have a different opinion then me and I'd feel a bit guilty if I kept quiet.

Plus I don't really care what people I'm not related to think about me, so here goes.....

 

 

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

I've had several friends who worked in strip clubs and I've been told that quite a few of the customers were married, mostly though it's single guys who are just lonely.  I've gone to visit my friends at their work and the guys there seem to be pretty normal working class guys, but this was in Southern Indiana and there's not a lot of "high class" places.  In the bigger clubs in L-ville you get mostly College guys (only went to see a friend down there 1X) or in the tiny clubs she said it was wealthier old guys.

Is it just normal male behavior? no big deal?

Pretty much normal if he's single and occasionally wants to go out to talk to a woman and not worry about having his ego/pride abused by women at regular bars. Why would it bother me what another person does with their time?

 

If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion?

No, it's probably not a good indication of a healthy marriage but to me infidelity is a whole other thing.

 

If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do?

Whatever makes him feel comfortable

 

 

What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper?

I'd be jealous, since I'm not 100% hetero and it's been  a long time since I've seen bOOks in person. I'd also feel bad for him because that's so not his scene. 

 

 

How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers? Would it change your opinion of him? Would you feel sad for a few days?

Again, why would I care what other people do.... I might feel sad for the couple if it upset the wife or was a sign that the marriage was in trouble but that's not always the case.

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

That he should be be kind, remember that just because she smiles and laughs doesn't mean she's happy and that it's a JOB for her. Mainly be respectful and require your group to be respectful.  I'd also remind him that it's a waste of money and going more than a time or two is rather pathetic but totally his choice.  I think it's a moot point though, he's to much like DH and would not feel comfortable at all.

Any other opinions/experiences?

Nope, I think I've shared enough

 

 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2016 by foxbridgeacademy

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I have no idea on percentages. I would imagine like most "vices," it's not exclusive to one class. 

 

I'd be white hot pissed if my husband went to one. He wound up at one in college (we were dating, not engaged yet) where he was the designated driver for a bachelor party and was highly uncomfortable. I was irked then, and I knew he didn't feel he could leave because the other driver started drinking heavily. He nursed a plain coke and hid by the door until they were finally ready to leave. He doesn't have any single friends currently. His last good friend who got married went on a long weekend to play golf, but it was right after our 3rd was born so he didn't go. I'd be highly surprised with that guy if there were strippers. The only parties he goes to are work parties, and there aren't strippers appearing. Plenty of other inappropriate behavior to be seen from drunk attorneys, but no strippers. 

 

I don't know that I would feel sad about another man going to strip clubs. I would think he's gross, and he would lose my respect, but it wouldn't make me sad. 

 

We have had discussions with our (11 yo) son about strippers. Here in the Bible Belt, you can find them EVERYWHERE. Isn't that nice? LOL. So what's that hot pink and gold building with all the super fancy cars out front right across from the farmer's market? Drive down 75S to Florida after you get past Macon or so and it's alternating WE BARE ALL with YOUR BABY ALREADY HAS A HEARTBEAT YOU MURDEROUS WHORE billboards. I wouldn't want to know if he ever goes to one. I hope he doesn't, but everyone has to make his own mistakes.

 

I still remember my first drive into Florida and seeing the "WE BARE ALL.  GOOD FOOD. TRUCKERS WELCOME." billboards.

 

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

It's probably common, among certain groups. In my mind, the people who would frequent strip clubs would be guys who are kind of slimy, used car salesman types who go around slapping each other on the backs and yelling "Boo-yah!" It just seems really tacky to me. 

I don't have a huge amount of experience with this but from my small experience in S. Indiana(and my friends conversations on the topic), most of the guys are auto workers/blue collar or College guys.  Most are just lonely. 

[J-rap]

What percentage of married men go to see strippers? Does this vary by education level, profession, class, proximity to strip clubs or anything else?

 

No idea on numbers;  I've never personally known a single man in all my life who goes to strip clubs.  I'm sure they come from all backgrounds though.

 

Is it just normal male behavior?

 

I don't believe it is.  I think it's a minority of men who do this.  

 

no big deal?

 

To me it is.  

 

If a married man goes to see a stripper is it infidelity in your opinion?

 

Yes, but not at the same level of actually having a relationship with another woman.

 

If a man is invited to bachelor party and there is a stripper there what should he do?

 

I would hope that he would quietly leave.  

 

What would you do if you found out your husband had gone to see a stripper?

 

It would be a major problem.  I would probably think he had lost his marbles!

 

How would you feel if you found out a married man in your circle of friends who you had respected a great deal went, on occasion, to see strippers?

 

I'd be very disappointed.  It would definitely change how I viewed him.  

 

What do you tell your teenage sons about strippers? What would you do if you found out your teenage/20-something son went to see a stripper?

 

I can't remember if we ever talked specifically about this, but he would know exactly what we thought about it.  We talked a lot about women being viewed as objects, and how to behave humanely and lovingly.  If we found out our son (now in his 20's) did this, his sisters and I would have an intervention with him, you can be sure of that!!

 

Any other opinions/experiences?

 

Strip joints treat strippers like sex objects.  That is demeaning and sad.  There are so many lovely, uplifting, positive things to fill our minds with.  Why in the world should we fill it with stuff like that when we can choose not to?  

 

[Farrar]

I'm not inherently bothered by strippers. I know dh doesn't go to strip clubs. He did once sort of on a dare with friends years and years ago in college (or maybe it was grad school) and he and his friend left cracking up at how very unsexy it all was - tacky decor, tacky music, tacky clothes being removed, fake b00ks, just tacky everything. It's not exactly his sort of thing. But I have to admit... if it was someone's thing, I wouldn't be disgusted. As long as everything is consensual and cards on the table with anyone who could be hurt and all that, I feel like what people do in general is okay. I'm not bothered.

 

I knew a woman who stripped at a club that was female owned and operated and very liberal minded, I guess would be the way to put it? Very, women empowering in their approach, I guess? But I know that's not the case at many establishments (this place was seen as sort of unique, I think) and the exploitation and abuse of women who end up in sex work who don't have a way out and don't want to be there or don't want to be anymore is very bothersome. So that's the other end - I'm not upset by anyone interested in watching strippers, but then how do you ensure an industry where people are there doing what they want on their own terms? Yeah, I don't know. And not something I've given tons of thought to, honestly.

[Farrar]

We have a strip club in our neighborhood actually. But it's a gay strip club. It's been there as long as we've lived here, which is really saying something because very little else has been. 

[Joshin]

A lot of sex workers are full-on feminists (this includes men, women, and the gender fluid) and they feel empowered by their profession.  They even, gasp, enjoy their job. There is a major shift occurring in the industry, and in more and more locations in the US the exploitation is on a sharp decline.  Not for you? Great! That doesn't make these professions tacky, creepy, or disgusting. They just aren't for you, and that is perfectly fine.

[Farrar]

A lot of sex workers are full-on feminists (this includes men, women, and the gender fluid) and they feel empowered by their profession.  They even, gasp, enjoy their job. There is a major shift occurring in the industry, and in more and more locations in the US the exploitation is on a sharp decline.  Not for you? Great! That doesn't make these professions tacky, creepy, or disgusting. They just aren't for you, and that is perfectly fine.

 

When I said tacky, I really meant the atmosphere at the place dh went. I wasn't calling the profession tacky per se. I think I said one of the more pro-stripper things on this thread actually. I meant it when I said I wouldn't be bothered if it was someone's thing as long as the women (or men) involved don't feel exploited and any significant others don't feel bothered by it either. My friend I mentioned who stripped short term definitely didn't feel exploited. She enjoyed the work when she did it. It was sort of artistic expression for her. I had a chance to see her dance and it was definitely interesting.

 

Now, glittery pasties on the other hand, that's tacky and nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise!  :tongue_smilie: