Experiences with alcohol and teen parties

[Terabith]

My kids are the opposite of partiers, and Covid hit during my oldest’s sophomore year, so I have no experience with high school parties.  But a friend of mine said that the real danger at high school parties isn’t parents being home but if the parents provide alcohol.  I had heard about that as theoretical but I never imagined it was widespread but maybe I’m naive?  
 

In your experience, or the experience of your kids, do parents provide alcohol?  

[regentrude]

We sure didn't serve alcohol to other people's teens, and my kids' friends' parents didn't either. But I knew them well.

I don't doubt that some parents will provide alcohol. People do all kinds of idiotic things.

ETA: we did allow our *own* kids to have wine with meals in our home, in small amounts.  Neither of them have a drinking problem. But that's a very different thing from providing alcohol at teen parties. 

Edited August 31 by regentrude

[Annie G]

There are a lot of parents who feel it’s better for the kids to drink at home, supervised, than on their own. 
 My brother’s  son was allowed to drink at my dad’s house when he was quite underage. It didn’t turn out well. But that’s just one case. 
 

[Terabith]

5 minutes ago, Annie G said:

There are a lot of parents who feel it’s better for the kids to drink at home, supervised, than on their own. 
 My brother’s  son was allowed to drink at my dad’s house when he was quite underage. It didn’t turn out well. But that’s just one case. 
 

I mean, my kids grew up with alcohol as supremely uninteresting.  Grandma gave them brandy or whiskey and honey for colds from the time they were preschoolers.  (I am talking tiny quantities.) They had sips of champagne at New Years and wine at communion and my husband (the only person in our family who drinks outside of Grandma’s old time cough remedies) would give them the occasional sip if desired.  They are both in college and think alcohol is mostly not very tasty. I don’t have any moral reservations about parents sharing alcohol with their own children but providing it for parties seems epically stupid. Liability if nothing else.  

[Annie G]

9 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I mean, my kids grew up with alcohol as supremely uninteresting.  Grandma gave them brandy or whiskey and honey for colds from the time they were preschoolers.  (I am talking tiny quantities.) They had sips of champagne at New Years and wine at communion and my husband (the only person in our family who drinks outside of Grandma’s old time cough remedies) would give them the occasional sip if desired.  They are both in college and think alcohol is mostly not very tasty. I don’t have any moral reservations about parents sharing alcohol with their own children but providing it for parties seems epically stupid. Liability if nothing else.  

I think the reason it was such a bad idea for my nephew is that my grandfather and my dad were alcoholics and my brother was too for  years until he needed to stop drinking because alcohol didn’t go well w his medications. When a family has a history of addiction it’s probably not smart to have loose boundaries when brains aren;t fully mature. 
Nephew was encouraged to drink at dad’s- more than one beer- from the time he was about 15.  Not tiny amounts of medicinal alcohol. He has now, at age 22, been in rehab 8 times. Alcohol and drugs. 

Edited August 31 by Annie G

[EKS]

Parents were providing alcohol (and sometimes pot) when I was a teen back in the 80s.  And I know that it something that happens where we live now too.  The justification is that if they provide it and supervise, the kids will be safer, or some such thing.

Edited August 31 by EKS

[Rosie_0801]

My kid doesn't like parties, but if she did, she'd be sent with a case of ginger beer. Her uncle found it a socially acceptable substitute and others usually drank most of it for him when they were tired of booze but still wanted to do the sociable thing.

[Terabith]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

My kid doesn't like parties, but if she did, she'd be sent with a case of ginger beer. Her uncle found it a socially acceptable substitute and others usually drank most of it for him when they were tired of booze but still wanted to do the sociable thing.

That’s a great idea. My husband goes to a board gaming weekend every February where tons of alcohol is consumed and the tap water is disgusting.  He’s started taking cases of Gatorade and soda as booze alternatives, and it’s been very popular.  

[TheReader]

My mom/stepdad were those parents, back in the day. It definitely happened back then, and while not in our circles these days, I'm sure still does. 

We are very much not those parents (and again, not in our circles), but I've no doubt it happens.  The reasoning is as others have said - at home and supervised = theoretically safer. 

[Katy]

My mom started giving me wine with dinner maybe once a month when I was in middle school. I mean a few ounces, not a bottle. She thought social drinking was acceptable but getting drunk was trashy. She wanted to normalize not drinking to excess. None of my siblings are alcoholic after having them on both sides of the family so I guess it worked. 

We would never give alcohol to other people’s kids. But I can definitely imagine doing something similar… except that I feel like crap when I eat or drink things high in histamine so idk that I’d want to drink anyway. 

[teachermom2834]

My dd goes to private Catholic school and there definitely is an element of that culture. There is a segment of the population that is a mix of parents providing and/or looking the other way because kids will be kids and they all did it growing up and they are ok and it is better if they are home and safe, supervised etc. I can’t see my dd’s friend group going that way but I could see some kids defecting to a more adventurous group as they get older. 

My thought on that is that I met a lot of kids in college whose parents had let them drink in high school and all of them were partiers. I never met those kids whose parents bought them alcohol and so they were these moderate responsible social drinkers in college. So I don’t know that it plays out that way.

My kids are currently 26,24,21 and 16 yo. We used to be pretty firm that we just followed the law and besides a sip here and there or the time I let a teen kid have a beer after a breakup mostly as a joke or one who wanted to try one before going to college we just followed the 21 rule for kids and their girlfriends drinking in our home. It was easiest to have a hard and fast rule with the age spread of kids and the younger kids. Now with just my teen dd and what must be getting mellow in my own old age I can actually envision letting some other non-driving teen child with express permission from parents have a drink in my home. I kind of can’t believe I am saying that because I used to be so strict but I’m only saying I can envision the scenario. 
 

My dd is in 11th grade now and I feel like it wasn’t really an issue before but the older teens I do think it bears investigating if they are going to an unknown (or even known) home to find out what the parents stance is. Sometimes it is surprising.

My dd has been having people over a lot and I’m not getting questions about alcohol but I have been getting some about supervision as far as mixed groups of boys/girls. It can be awkward to ask but parents need to ask about what they are concerned about. 

[madteaparty]

3 hours ago, Annie G said:

There are a lot of parents who feel it’s better for the kids to drink at home, supervised, than on their own. 

I happen to be in this camp for my own kids but I obviously would not serve to other people’s high schoolers. I think now I recall DS’s college friends (20s?) did have a glass of wine with dinner over a holiday in my house but they were sleeping there and not going anywhere that night. 

[regentrude]

6 hours ago, Annie G said:

There are a lot of parents who feel it’s better for the kids to drink at home, supervised, than on their own. 

I'm in that camp for my *own* kids (and that turned out fine.). When I was growing up, wine with Sunday dinner was part of the culture (small amounts, watered down for young teens).

I'd never serve *other* people's kids, though. Not legal, liability, don't know family history of alcoholism... just not a good idea. 

 

[DawnM]

Interesting, I haVe heard of these types of parents but I have never met any.    I would be really upset if that had happened.   

My kids aren't really drinkers.   They will have a beer every now and then, but they aren't partiers.   We did not provide any alcohol for them prior to 18, but I really didn't care if they had a beer after age 18 in our home.   They all tell me they have never been drunk and I tend to believe them just based on what I have seen and the fact that they tend to tell the truth, even if it gets them in trouble.

 

[HomeAgain]

I don't know.  I'll let you know in a few years if it's the same here as it was elsewhere.  This was not the experience my oldest had in high school.  Parties were with friends, and all his friends were not the type to drink.  They were more the type to hook up their laptops to game.  Plus, they had a fine example of what not to do when their principal was arrested for very,very drunk driving.

I teach my children how to drink at home, so when they go off they know good habits/bad habits, and how to set boundaries. I do not teach other people's children anything about alcohol.

I think my bigger worry here is drugs at parties.  Recreational drugs are a problem in our county and I don't want ds14 to be caught up in that, especially unwittingly.  With so many forms out there it is harder to point out exactly what is/isn't safe, and a lot of adults I know do have some form of edibles or other things in their homes.  I'm pretty sure the parents of one of ds's teammates were always on something that year we were around them, and I'm glad the two kids have stayed just acquaintances and never got closer.  I won't ever let ds go into their home.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I think my bigger worry here is drugs at parties.  Recreational drugs are a problem in our county and I don't want ds14 to be caught up in that, especially unwittingly.  With so many forms out there it is harder to point out exactly what is/isn't safe, and a lot of adults I know do have some form of edibles or other things in their homes.  

This. A friend's son died at 17; he took ONE pill at a party. Heart attack, coma. 

Drugs scare me way, way more. Because it's completely uncontrollable. 

I just read a stat (forgot the numbers) about teen's or teen's friends' parents' *prescription* drugs being a big problem. 

Edited August 31 by regentrude

[Annie G]

8 hours ago, madteaparty said:

I happen to be in this camp for my own kids but I obviously would not serve to other people’s high schoolers. I think now I recall DS’s college friends (20s?) did have a glass of wine with dinner over a holiday in my house but they were sleeping there and not going anywhere that night. 

 

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

I'm in that camp for my *own* kids (and that turned out fine.). When I was growing up, wine with Sunday dinner was part of the culture (small amounts, watered down for young teens).

I'd never serve *other* people's kids, though. Not legal, liability, don't know family history of alcoholism... just not a good idea. 

 

A perfectly reasonable approach- parents  making their own parenting decisions and doing what they feel is best for their kids. 
My issue is serving other kids, because as Regentrude said, you don’t know their family history of alcoholism. I’m especially worried about kids driving after drinking. 

Everyone I’ve seen here is approaching early drinking under parental supervision in a thoughtful way. I really appreciate that. It’s not ‘parents trying to be cool and letting their kids throw ragers’. We saw some of that when middle daughter was in high school. 

[marbel]

Sure, some parents are happy to provide alcohol for their kids' parties. I have relatives who have done so. I don't approve of it; my kids have never been exposed to it, but sure, it happens. Moral/ethical issues aside, it's probably illegal in all states in the US. (I know other countries have different laws and attitudes about alcohol.)

FWIW, here in PA, it is illegal for a parent to provide alcohol even to their own underage kid, even in their own home. (Or was last time I looked it up, which would have been at least 5 years ago.) If it was legal, I'd have served my kids a little wine with dinner, let them sample a little cocktail etc. But that is in no way related to providing booze for a teen party. 

Edited August 31 by marbel

[Ottakee]

My son has fetal alcohol and didn’t go to many parties but when he did, I made sure he knew he could call me at any point to come get him….and he used that once or twice.

I also sent him with a bunch of Mountain Dew….but I love the idea of sending craft ginger or root beers, etc as well.

we are total non drinkers due to alcoholism in my family and my kids birth families.   They saw their uncle die from alcohol poisoning in March.

I don’t have an issue with others socially drinking but find it weird that a few people just can’t handle it when you say no thank you and only chose a non alcoholic drink 

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I don’t have an issue with others socially drinking but find it weird that a few people just can’t handle it when you say no thank you and only chose a non alcoholic drink 

Yes, it's totally weird. There are so many reasons why someone might choose not to drink alcohol.  I don't understand why anybody has a problem with it - unless they're conflicted about their own drinking, consider abstaining an act of rubbing in moral superiority, or genuinely think one can't have fun without alcohol? Very odd.

Fortunately, it is not an attitude I have ever encountered in my circle of friends. But it must get really old when folks can't simply accept "no, Thank you".

[SKL]

I wouldn’t serve other people’s kids.  It’s illegal here.  I know some folks do it anyway.

I let my own kids try alcohol when I am present, which is legal here.  I don’t want alcohol to have some artificial allure so they will be stupid about it when not under my control.

We manage to have plenty of social fun without alcohol.  My kids’ friends seem to like it here despite the lack of ways to get impaired.

[Starr]

There were some parents who served alcohol for teens in the community where our kids grew up. 

[Toocrazy!!]

It happened here some when DS was that age, but I think the parents always knew the kids involved, and their parents, and everyone was ok with it. Never any driving, always overnight type get togethers. 
There’s too much liability. I don’t know why anyone would do it now. 

[Ginevra]

16 hours ago, Terabith said:

He’s started taking cases of Gatorade and soda as booze alternatives, and it’s been very popular.  

I get Liquid Death for this reason. It’s just seltzer water but it sort of tricks my brain into feeling like I’m drinking along with others. 
 

I also have a seltzer-pomegranate juice drink I make and put into a wine glass for the same reason. I sort of feel like I’m drinking a wine like everyone else. But clear head and no hangover. 

[kbutton]

15 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

My dd goes to private Catholic school and there definitely is an element of that culture.

I have seen this in extended family and a little locally.

10 hours ago, regentrude said:

I'd never serve *other* people's kids, though. Not legal, liability, don't know family history of alcoholism... just not a good idea. 

Yeah, it seems crazy to me to provide it for other people’s kids!

7 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

  Plus, they had a fine example of what not to do when their principal was arrested for very,very drunk driving.

About fifteen years ago, a local Catholic high school principal was killed while driving drunk. I was stunned at all the coverage of how wonderful he was minus any form of “lesson” at all about driving drunk. It was unreal.

5 hours ago, regentrude said:

Yes, it's totally weird. There are so many reasons why someone might choose not to drink alcohol.  I don't understand why anybody has a problem with it - unless they're conflicted about their own drinking, consider abstaining an act of rubbing in moral superiority, or genuinely think one can't have fun without alcohol? Very odd.

Fortunately, it is not an attitude I have ever encountered in my circle of friends. But it must get really old when folks can't simply accept "no, Thank you".

I worked someplace where I was not “allowed” to drink in people’s minds. I am a teetotaler because it’s not appealing to me, and I have a lot of extended family members with various levels of problems with alcohol, but I don’t think it’s wrong to drink responsibly. Anyway, they decided that I was the kind of Christian that didn’t drink, and they would’ve been highly offended if I drank even though lots of professing Christians who worked there drank. It was very odd (and I otherwise loved working there). They had even asked me about my views on drinking, but they didn’t believe me. My husband (same “kind” of Christian, lol!) had a drink at a work event that involved spouses, and they thought nothing of it, but if they saw me with an IBC root beer, they all did a double take and initially freaked out, lol!!! It was one of the most open and diverse places I ever worked, but they had a weird hang up about me and drinking.

My parents sometimes get bypassed with family members who want to drink. My parents prefer people ask them/give a heads up if they can bring a drink rather than just show up with a keg or whatever. They just don’t really drink themselves (my mom will sometimes have a mixed drink on vacation if someone else has one). They don’t care if someone brings a drink as long as they don’t get drunk and act like a jackass, but apparently just asking is too much. Some relatives will leave a picnic at my parents’ house early specifically to drink; ironically, after they leave, other family members pull out their beers that they gave my folks a heads-up about, and nobody minds. 

People are weird!

[Clemsondana]

I heard about it when we were teens but nobody in my circles did it.  My parents provided some combo of chips, pizza, brownies, and soft drinks most weekends and my friends hung at our house.  After we graduated, the guys sometimes went to 'guys weekends' that had alcohol - it was provided by an older cousin.  I think that was more common - an older cousin, sibling, or friend.  Prior to my older's graduation we didn't hear a lot about drinking or those sorts of parties from the high schoolers, but kid had homeschooled friends that wouldn't drink like that (they might have small amounts at home with family - I know the parents sometimes drink but wouldn't provide alcohol to other people's underage kids).  The public school friends are from sports, and nobody would have risked getting in trouble for alcohol use during the season (which is in the spring) even if they were inclined to drink.  My older is now in college and has expressed relief that none of the suitemates drink.  Kid lives in honors housing (spouse and I did too) which upped the odds a bit on having people who are more interested in learning than partying.  And the campus police apparently are hard-core about underage alcohol, since the dorms are mostly underclassmen.  My kids aren't bothered by social drinking - I don't drink but spouse has the occasional beer - but are bothered by the idea that people would do things that make them act stupid.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

Yes unfortunately it is the case. My oldest DS was at several friend’s houses where alcohol was encouraged and provided by adults. 

[Dmmetler]

20 hours ago, Terabith said:

My kids are the opposite of partiers, and Covid hit during my oldest’s sophomore year, so I have no experience with high school parties.  But a friend of mine said that the real danger at high school parties isn’t parents being home but if the parents provide alcohol.  I had heard about that as theoretical but I never imagined it was widespread but maybe I’m naive?  
 

In your experience, or the experience of your kids, do parents provide alcohol?  

Well, in our homeschool community, it was pretty common for moms to come with kids to parties, hang out in the kitchen or wherever, and get social time, so I can attest no one was providing alcohol. "Parties" tended to be a few pizzas, a bag of chips, and a bunch of kids talking Anime. 

I wasn't a party kid, but I can think of at least 2 kids in my high school who's parents had a "you can drink under our roof, but no one drives until we make sure the driver isn't intoxicated" rule and would purchase alcohol for their kids for parties. And that was in the 1980's. 

 

L was worried about Alcohol going into college due to being under 18--and discovered it was a non-issue. Apparently there are a decent number of college students who are pretty happy with social outlets like "Let's decorate sugar cookies and watch a Disney movie!", and even at concerts and the like where people are drinking/smoking, and some are polite enough to offer, they're also polite enough to take "no, thank you" for an answer. 

[Ginevra]

I have heard of it but I didn’t encounter it with my kids in the past. However, this past summer, I went to a graduation (high school) party and the parents not only provided alcohol, but had a beer pong table. In some cases, teens were playing it with their parents. I don’t think it’s a good practice, but in some ways, I didn’t much care because my kids are not little anymore. . I do still have one below drinking age but he does not like to be drunk/sick/hungover so it’s not typically an issue. 

 I grew up in a teetotal household. I did always have the view that I was not going to endorse illegal activity under my roof. I rarely drink alcohol at all myself at this point. 

[Sneezyone]

This is a BIG issue in my area. I am not a fan of adults facilitating/accepting child alcohol use. Many an AA participant traces their introduction to parental negligence/acceptance of underage drinking.

[Ting Tang]

I never drank in high school. Not a sip.  I was bookish and quiet.  I still had friends and went on dates, still, no alcohol.

My niece and nephew drink underage.  He is almost legal, but she is in high school. Excellent student, too. 

Teens drink, and parents provide it.  I am learning it is almost...normalized, and that is scary.  

Def don't want mine doing it.  Teens are at risk of making bad decisions without alcohol.  Add in the alcohol, and that makes things worse.  

[Ting Tang]

23 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Well, in our homeschool community, it was pretty common for moms to come with kids to parties, hang out in the kitchen or wherever, and get social time, so I can attest no one was providing alcohol. "Parties" tended to be a few pizzas, a bag of chips, and a bunch of kids talking Anime. 

I wasn't a party kid, but I can think of at least 2 kids in my high school who's parents had a "you can drink under our roof, but no one drives until we make sure the driver isn't intoxicated" rule and would purchase alcohol for their kids for parties. And that was in the 1980's. 

 

L was worried about Alcohol going into college due to being under 18--and discovered it was a non-issue. Apparently there are a decent number of college students who are pretty happy with social outlets like "Let's decorate sugar cookies and watch a Disney movie!", and even at concerts and the like where people are drinking/smoking, and some are polite enough to offer, they're also polite enough to take "no, thank you" for an answer. 

I went to a college without a Greek system, and it was somewhat of a commuter school.  The drinking culture wasn't really there, either.  But it is crazy how it can vary drastically...

[rebcoola]

Its a thing but I don't think its that widespread mostly its more turning a blind eye rather than providing. We let our kids drink with us at times but would never provide alcohol to another teen.

[katilac]

On 8/31/2024 at 1:56 PM, kbutton said:

 They don’t care if someone brings a drink as long as they don’t get drunk and act like a jackass, but apparently just asking is too much 

tbh, if alcohol is allowed at someone's home, I'd find it strange and off-putting to be expected to ask for permission each time. 

[Lady Marmalade]

Definitely a thing. Most of these parents think they're doing the responsible thing by providing the supervised space and taking away any keys so no one will be driving. Wine coolers and Hard seltzers are very popular and these days don't cost much more to supply en masse than a couple of cases of premium soda. 

When I was in high school ages ago the beverage of choice back then was the ice cream bucket of brandy slush in the freezer. 

[kbutton]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

tbh, if alcohol is allowed at someone's home, I'd find it strange and off-putting to be expected to ask for permission each time. 

It isn’t really each time. And it’s out of town family seen once in a blue moon. They are making assumptions instead of talking about it like grownups—they assume my parents don’t allow it because they don’t drink themselves but then leave early. It’s a weird dynamic that is completely unnecessary.