Tap Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) DD17 is currently residing in a detention center. She has thick, medium-long length hair (upper back but maybe bra strap length). It is that inconvenient mix of wave/straight hair that is so hard to maintain and tangles soooo easy. In the detention center she only has a small comb and cheap shampoo/conditioner/body wash all in one. She gave up on brushing it and just keeps it in a crunched up bun. She says she hasn't brushed it in 7 weeks. At home, I had her use Nexus shampoo and a Wet brush, using the water in the shower to help detangle when things got bad. She often had her hair braided to avoid it getting tangled. My son is getting married in 2 weeks. They are giving her furlough for the wedding. I don't know what to do with her mess of hair. 😞 It is a mass of tangles and is quite possibly forming dreadlocks by now. She says staff are not allowed to assist her, so it is on us to figure it out. She wants me to try to figure something out, but I have no idea what to do. I can try to figure out a way to get her to a shower that day with real shampoo and conditioner, but no idea what to do with her hair because I can't spend hours detangling it. I may just have to have her leave it up and just not worry about it. It really does look terrible tho. 😞 I know she will absolutely not want to cut it, or if we do cut it, not much. If I leave it for the day, we still need to figure out some solution for long term. She will be locked up for at least 6 more weeks and if convicted, 1-10 years. 😪She can't keep going like this and just not do anything for her hair. Edited August 29 by Tap 1 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Can she do corn row type braids all over her head? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I’ve watched some YouTube videos of a hairdresser that works for free to do the kind of hair you describe. I don’t remember the page name, and don’t have time to search right now, but her solutions is usually a mix of tedious combing and some cutting, and it takes her hours and hours. Some clients even takes multiple visits over more that one day. Sounds like cutting it off would be the only quick solution. If she won’t let it be cut off, could you cover it with a pretty scarf or something? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 29 Author Share Posted August 29 8 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said: Can she do corn row type braids all over her head? Maybe but not sure I want to pay for that to get done. I imagine it would be expensive and no time on her furlough to do it. She can't braid her own hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 29 Author Share Posted August 29 Just now, City Mouse said: I’ve watched some YouTube videos of a hairdresser that works for free to do the kind of hair you describe. I don’t remember the page name, and don’t have time to search right now, but her solutions is usually a mix of tedious combing and some cutting, and it takes her hours and hours. Some clients even takes multiple visits over more that one day. Sounds like cutting it off would be the only quick solution. If she won’t let it be cut off, could you cover it with a pretty scarf or something? I have been thinking about maybe a wide head band. Not sure if she can wear one or not. I get instant headaches from headbands, and she never liked/wore them as a kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Is she allowed to bring her own comb and shampoo or conditioner to the detention center? My kids use wide tooth comb for their long wavy hair. My older kid hair got entangled when he was busy during the exam period. I used leave in hair conditioner and brushed his hair using my fingers to detangle it. After three applications over a few days, his hair is back to normal. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) In terms of trying to untangle, it’s sectioning the hair and using a lot of conditioner to help release the hair. You start with a pic and work your way to a comb. You can maybe free the sides to pin back to cover the rest in a messy bun look. Edited August 29 by prairiewindmomma More helpful advise? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 She should wet her hair and then start to pull it apart with her fingers, from the bottom, little by little. A little each day. A wide toothed comb is actually more helpful than most brushes, IMO (and I do have that kind of hair myself), but pulling the tangles open while your hair is wet, again starting from the bottom and gradually working your way up, is a great way to start. Then you can meet her with a wide toothed comb on the day of, and make sure that there is a way to put it up as a fallback that day, just in case. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Would she be okay with a turban or other headwrap as a fallback in case detangling doesn't work out? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I wonder about a twisty kinda bun? If you've got someone who can artfully twist it together in a nifty design in whatever way her hair allows, maybe embellish it with some flowers or butterflies? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I was wondering about a kerchief…long enough to cover most of the hair. A potential challenge will be around potential smell if she hasnt been cleansing her scalp well. I’d think about a rosemary lavender spray or the like. The Fairy Tales lice prevention spray has a lovely scent, fwiw, prevention issues aside. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Could you encourage her to stop using the cheap shampoo for a little bit and just use conditioner. For curly hair sometimes this works better and maybe if she can stop the damage you’ll have more hope of achieving something in the short time you have? Sorry I reread your post and realise it’s an all in one mix. That makes it hard. I’m assuming you can’t provide and alternative due to security stuff? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 With it being a juvenile facility, and her a minor, is there any flexibility surrounding visitation? Since they can’t help her, I’m wondering if it’s at all a kind of thing where they would allow you to come in at visitation time and help her so that you could do that several times before the event to start working on it? That may be a completely outlandish suggestion, so disregard if that’s just not at all how any of that works. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 How about something like Johnson No More Tangles spray? She could use a lot of it in a small section at a time, let it absorb into her hair for a few minutes, and then gradually comb her hair from the bottom up with a very wide-toothed comb. Tell her to really drench the hair so it will work for her. The advantage of a detangling spray over regular conditioner is that she could use it at any time rather than only in the shower, and she wouldn't have to rinse it out. Then, on the morning of the wedding or the night before, she could wash her hair and use quite a bit of regular conditioner in it, and comb out the tangles in the shower while the conditioner is still in it, and then rinse and dry carefully. I really think that would be her best bet. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said: She should wet her hair and then start to pull it apart with her fingers, from the bottom, little by little. A little each day. A wide toothed comb is actually more helpful than most brushes, IMO (and I do have that kind of hair myself), but pulling the tangles open while your hair is wet, again starting from the bottom and gradually working your way up, is a great way to start. Then you can meet her with a wide toothed comb on the day of, and make sure that there is a way to put it up as a fallback that day, just in case. I posted before I saw your suggestion. I agree with your idea, but would use a leave-in detangling spray instead of water, because those old fashioned No More Tangles-type sprays really do help with tangles and seems to help minimize hair loss. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) 9 hours ago, Tap said: I have been thinking about maybe a wide head band. Not sure if she can wear one or not. I get instant headaches from headbands, and she never liked/wore them as a kid. I always found regular headbands super uncomfortable, both as a child and an adult. When I wore head coverings for religious reasons, I had some soft, stretchy, wide knit headbands that covered almost the entire top of my head and were super comfortable all day. They were about 4" wide. I had similar lace ones that were also very comfortable. I have a few left if you would like them (two black, one navy, one brown, all plain knit; one of the black ones is a little pilly / faded but still presentable). An easy way to cover more of the hair is to fold a square scarf into a triangle and wear it as a kerchief, tied at the nape of the neck and pinned at the front with bobby pins or clips. I found some smallish square scarves with crochet trim around the edges and used them a lot. I still think the best idea is Cat's suggestion of a detangling spray, if she's allowed to have it, in combination with finger combing. It's going to have to be tackled at some point. Edited August 29 by MercyA 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 1) I would spring for a long hair appointment with someone who can professionally deal with this. 2) If I couldn't do the above, I would just carve out a long time period (or multiple), separate the hair into sections (i.e., several pony tails), and on each section, use a wet brush & detangler to start from the bottom and work up. Even a centimeter at a time if necessary. After the wet brush, I'd use a more conventional comb/brush and finally braid that section before moving on. One of my daughters has the most difficult hair! Even with daily combing and braiding it was a daily trauma. When she was of an age to take care of her own hair, I trusted her too much, and she would just comb the outside layer and let a "mat" form underneath. So I have some experience with addressing those "mats." Poor girl. I'd probably have her in cornrows or other longer-term solution when she goes back to the facility. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Another thought is to tell her that you'll pay for her to have any haircut she wants, if she chooses a short (perhaps shoulder length) style. My kid loves her long hair, but she also liked the style of a celebrity she followed, so she brought a photo of that celebrity and asked for that haircut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 @Tap, I just want to say I'm so sorry that your daughter wound up in a detention facility. That must be so hard on your heart. You worked so incredibly hard for her. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 (edited) IME mats close to the head are nearly impossible to get out while others can sometimes be coaxed out with the help of lots of conditioner. If it is just the nape of the neck area that is hopeless, would she consider an undercut? It would be easier to maintain as well. ETA if you are allowed to provide her with a pillowcase, satin helps keep knots from forming as easily. Otherwise there are satin sleep caps that can help. Edited August 29 by bibiche 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 This is what we used and still use for severely matted hair. It takes some time to separate the mats but this stuff is honestly the best stuff. DD had issues when she was younger with hair brushing ( only brushed the top layer) and it saved us cutting her hair from bad mats. And it doesn’t smell if she has sensory issues to smell. I applied it to wet hair ( clean hair once it isn’t so matted), let is sit for a few and started gently untangling/dematting. https://a.co/d/daP8JCI 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 It is really nice that she gets to come to the wedding, but I would reassure her that no one is going to care whether her hair is "perfect" of not. The quickest and easiest way might be to simply cover it. That would be what others have suggested (e.g., scarf, turban, hat). Even a wig might be an option, if you have access to one for a day. For the long-term, I would support her on ensuring that her hair and scalp is clean. This is for health reasons, to ensure no bugs/insects become a nasty issue. Otherwise, the state of the tangles is only a superficial thing, and likely won't impact her physical health. They may begin to cause her pain if the tangles bunch up near her scalp. If this happens, would you be able to help out with cutting some little masses out? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I don't know any of the back story here, and I have no idea how juvenile detention works in your location, but can't anyone help her? Can you visit and work on the hair over the 2 weeks you have? Can a hair care professional 'visit' at all? Can she have any products brought in? Or bought through an in-house system of any kind? Do you have any recourse to contact the management and ask for help. I don't know your ethnicity or background, but it strikes me that black people need and use hair care products and procedures that make sense for their hair textures. A facility might be engaged with (unintentional) systemic racism if all the incarcerated people are required to use only the provided hair products, and were unable to access the hair services that I understand to be normal in their culture and community. If you or your child have any black heritage, or if the hair texture your daughter experiences has any racial component, there might be grounds for a legitimate complaint process. (Even if ethnicity has nothing to do with your daughter's hair challenges, I'd be shocked if there aren't black, and maybe other, incarcerated kids also suffering from this unnecessary distress. There might be a need for advocacy, at some later point, for incarcerated kids with challenging hair types.) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I would try to visit before the wedding and detangle and braid. If her hair is hard to maintain, consider an easier style- shorter is usually a lot easier to de-tangle but still cute to fix. The wide-tooth combs help when my girls are really tangled. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookbard Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I have gone through stages where my daughter's hair has been really tangled. You need to start from the top and work your way down. Far easier to use fingers to untangle each strand. It will take hours. I used to try conditioner or de-tangling stuff but I didn't find it helped. To keep it untangled as long as possible I would try a number of tight braids, even if it isn't corn-row braids, but just braiding. You can still wash them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 (edited) If she doesn't want to cut it what is her long term goal for her hair? Just live with a matted mess? I understand not wanting to cut hair. Have hip length hair myself. But if it as bad as I am imagining then a short cut might be best while in jail. And she can grow it out afterwards. I managed to keep my hair mostly tangle free while being bedridden in hospital for 10 weeks, with just a small comb and all in one cheep hospital shampoo conditioner. But I was determined that I was going to. It took huge effort on my part. If someone just decides to let it go then the reality is that it will eventually have to be cut Edited August 30 by Melissa in Australia 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 Are you allowed to go in a week or more before the wedding to visit and get her hair under control? I’d try a wide comb while wet and heavily conditioned. This doesn’t sound like a project you can do the day of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 I am so sorry Tap that your Dd is in the detention centre. How sad for both of you that it has come to this. How long is the furlough? Would she be able to sit for a professional for a few hours? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 (edited) Detangling brush and detangling shampoo and conditioner and try your best. There are more "extreme" products that might help. Extreme Hair Detangle I would at least give that a go and see if anything like that helps. Edited August 31 by DawnM 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wisdomandtreasures Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 My daughter's hair gets like this after just a couple of days, and I've picked out shoulder-length dreads on myself as well (decide they weren't for me after 2 months and I didn't want to shave my head). You just have to start at the bottom and work your way up to the full length of hair. Start with a small section and just work on detangling an inch or even half an inch at a time. It will take hours but it can be done! Wet hair breaks more easily in my experience so have her do this while it's dry, after conditioning it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 I have very curly hair that tangles easily. I love these combs: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0089CEH7I/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 I comb my hair in the shower with conditioner in it. The tresseme coconut curl shampoo and conditioner is great for any tangles. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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