TexasProud Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Hey, just checking to make sure I am not out of line. My daughter and her boyfriend broke up. It is on his end. She is sad, but ok. Boyfriend's mom called to talk to her and filled her in on all sorts of backstory on her son, his fault not hers. She is going to call me to talk... Ok, no. Just no. I mean my daughter has called me and I have listened. But it is not my job to be in the middle of this. If the boyfriend's mom calls, I will politely text back that I can't talk and that I was sorry to hear they broke up. She has a sweet son, and we are glad we got a chance to get to know him over the holidays. (Both my daughter and his mom are feeling guilty that we flew him out here now that they have broken up. Why?? It was fun. It was her birthday present. I am not sorry.) Other than that. I won't respond. Right? 29 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Definitely right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Totally right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right. Idk why some people feel the need to helicopter parent adults. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Another vote for right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right. It seems like his mom is overstepping and you don’t need to join in with that. The man’s privacy should be respected. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 You're correct Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeriJ Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Agree! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Unless the mom feels like there is a friendship between her and you and wants to make sure that isn't harmed? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 right. parents don't need to be involved in a breakup 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Right. I think it is bonkers she called your daughter after the break up. Totally overstepping. They are young, a lot of relationships at this point don't work out. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Yeah, I can see it if the parents have become friendly over the years and want to maintain that friendship. Or…. Nope, can’t think of anything else! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SanDiegoMom Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Just adding that when my now husband and I were young and dating, there were a lot of missteps and breaking up/getting back together. That would have been a LOT harder and more frustrating if moms were involved! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Mom sounds like she's poor at boundaries. Also, maybe, doesn't want her son to look like a bad guy. If my daughter and her boyfriend broke up, I'd be very tempted to contact him to tell him I'd miss him. But I wouldn't do it. When my son's gf broke up with him, he texted her mom to thank her for her kindness to him. She responded nicely to him, and that was that. It was all neutral, with no recriminations or explanations or anything like that. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 It sounds like she's grieving and wants to debrief with the wrong people. Still, daughter's ex-boyfriend isn't your business, so she should go debrief with her husband and bestie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 4 hours ago, SKL said: Unless the mom feels like there is a friendship between her and you and wants to make sure that isn't harmed? No, we don't have a friendship LOL. I have posted about her before with the painting my daughter's fingernails and her calling me to chat for over an hour when they started dating... I learned more about her in that hour than I know about most of my real friends... Ok. Thank you for confirming I am correct. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 If there is any way that your daughter and this young man might get back together and eventually get married (and, frankly, you never know), I'd want to preserve good will with the potential in-laws. Meaning, I'd talk (listen) to the mother. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 @TexasProud do you have any idea what the boyfriend’s mother wants to talk to you about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 11 minutes ago, EKS said: If there is any way that your daughter and this young man might get back together and eventually get married (and, frankly, you never know), I'd want to preserve good will with the potential in-laws. Meaning, I'd talk (listen) to the mother. I would be so curious as to what she wanted to talk to me about, that I would probably talk to her, too. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of the kids getting back together again, but that was a really good point about maybe not wanting to alienate the guy’s mother, just in case. I would talk to her, but be ready with an excuse to get off the phone quickly, if anything she wanted to discuss seemed inappropriate or weird. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 9 hours ago, TexasProud said: Hey, just checking to make sure I am not out of line. My daughter and her boyfriend broke up. It is on his end. She is sad, but ok. Boyfriend's mom called to talk to her and filled her in on all sorts of backstory on her son, his fault not hers. She is going to call me to talk... Ok, no. Just no. I mean my daughter has called me and I have listened. But it is not my job to be in the middle of this. If the boyfriend's mom calls, I will politely text back that I can't talk and that I was sorry to hear they broke up. She has a sweet son, and we are glad we got a chance to get to know him over the holidays. (Both my daughter and his mom are feeling guilty that we flew him out here now that they have broken up. Why?? It was fun. It was her birthday present. I am not sorry.) Other than that. I won't respond. Right? blink. blink. blink. It's up to you if you text or actually speak to say "my daughter is a grown up, and (you) presume her son is a grown up and how they handle this is UP TO THEM" - not you. Is she one of those moms who goes to her child's job interview? (apparently, it's becoming a thing) If she's feeling bad they broke up so soon after the holidays when you flew him out here, (which may be why she seems so uptight about things - and may be what really needs to be addressed.) Assure her you were glad to have him there, you had fun, but the relationship didn't work (and that's FINE.) without getting into details of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Tiggywinkle Again Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 I feel like the correct response is to tell your daughter she’s dodged a bullet with dealing with an overly involved MIL. But it’s probably not the right thing to say at the moment. Maybe down the road. This woman sounds like she’d be the type to show up the morning after the wedding to make sure her son ate a good enough breakfast(that happened to one of my sisters. They are no longer married and dear MIL is trying to cause all kinds of issues even after the divorce, but this overly friendly too soon kind of stuff was characteristic in while sis and XBIL were dating). 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said: I feel like the correct response is to tell your daughter she’s dodged a bullet with dealing with an overly involved MIL. I absolutely would not say anything bad about the boyfriend or the boyfriend's family until he is firmly in the rear view mirror. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 (edited) The only time I contacted a parent when our kids broke up was when the other child had some significant mental health struggles and I wanted to make sure the mom knew some relevant information. He was threatening suicidal thoughts to my daughter and minor threats against her. Mom needed to know what was happening. I had been a significant support system for him and was backing out of that role. She needed to step up a bit, which she hadn’t been. Which is why I was., Edited February 2 by Tap 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 10 hours ago, EKS said: I absolutely would not say anything bad about the boyfriend or the boyfriend's family until he is firmly in the rear view mirror. LOL... I don't talk badly about people period. It is a family joke that mom likes EVERYONE and can see behind their actions to the good. (Ok, with the exception of a political figure who I scream and rant and rave about, but real people I know in my life, no.) So no chance of that. Plus, here in my small town, if you were to talk badly about someone you are probably talking to a relative of theirs somehow. So it is very ingrained in me not to speak ill of anyone. 🙂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 She did send me a series of long texts about how devastated she and her husband are about all of this. They considered her part of the family. A chance they get back together... maybe. Honestly, I am very ok with the breakup. The young man was very sweet and nice and treated my daughter well. But he is 19. She is 22. If they were 25 and 28, there wouldn't be that much difference in maturity, but now? He has another 3 years before he graduates. She graduates in a few months (which I believe was the impetus for this). I think he needs to live a little more life and figure out who he is. He needs to concentrate on his studies which are pretty heavy right now. If they were to get back together when he is ready to graduate, great. As I said, he is nice. The only thing I have "against" him is how young he is. I am not sure I was ever that young. My husband said for sure, he wasn't and that is true. My husband has always been very focused and organized and "old." My dad told me once I was born old. I know most young men take a while to mature. I know for sure, one of ours has. He is a nice young man. I just feel bad for my daughter as she is so upset, yet at the small school and music department, she has to interact with him daily in a variety of places (the musical they are doing, chorale, same friend group, etc.) I think she would like to just cut him off and not see him anymore, but that isn't possible. And he really wants to remain friends and interact with her. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 What did you say back to her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: What did you say back to her? I want to know, too! We are so nosy! 😂 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 On 2/2/2024 at 6:10 AM, TexasProud said: I just feel bad for my daughter as she is so upset, yet at the small school and music department, she has to interact with him daily in a variety of places (the musical they are doing, chorale, same friend group, etc.) I think she would like to just cut him off and not see him anymore, but that isn't possible. And he really wants to remain friends and interact with her. That has to be hard. At least she graduates soon & that part will be over. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 On 2/1/2024 at 4:27 PM, EKS said: If there is any way that your daughter and this young man might get back together and eventually get married (and, frankly, you never know), I'd want to preserve good will with the potential in-laws. Meaning, I'd talk (listen) to the mother. All the more reason I would not talk/listen to his mother in regards to the relationship. If they do get married, you want those boundaries firmly in place. Start as you mean to go on and all that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 She said A LOT of complimentary things about my daughter. So this is what I texted back to her: Thank you, and I did enjoy spending time with xxx over the holidays. Looking forward to seeing them both in xxxx (the show that is in a few weeks). That is all I texted. She texted back that she was glad I was going to come and that was the end of our conversation. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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