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Complete state of overwhelm

footballmom

By footballmom,
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footballmom

footballmom

Posted
Posted

DH had a major heart attack a few weeks ago and by the grace of Gad is still with us. He has more testing and likely additional procedures coming up over the next few weeks in addition to some rehab. 

My MIL landed in the hospital again. I love her dearly, she knows what DH went through but not the severity. Due to choices she continues to make, she is in a cycle of medical emergency several times per year. There are 3+ follow up appointments that need to be scheduled to happen this week. She has friends, but these appointments have completely fallen on me, DH or his sibling’s spouse.  DH is out of the rotation for now. These appointments will be followed by several more appointments. Each appointment means at least half a day of work lost.

I started a new job not long before DH’s heart attack. They have been very supportive, and they deserve someone to give 100%. I am doing the best I can. I am the bread winner, this job is important to me and my family. 

One of my kids is at the 5 yard line of an exciting and fun milestone, but needs my support (and I want to support) to take care of things with Big Important Deadlines to make sure this child has all the options that they want. Another kid at home needs me, too.

I feel like a robot that has to just put one foot in front of the other. I haven’t begun to process the heart attack. I am so sad (and a little mad, though not at any one person) that I can’t take the time I need right now to focus on my own little family and I am stretched soooo thin. I am super protective of DH and his sibling and that spouse can’t take all these appointments on for MIL without my help. But I just want to stick my head in the sand.

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mommyoffive

mommyoffive

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Oh wow, that would all overwhelm me too.  I am so sorry this is all happening at once and stressing you out.  I am so glad your dh is ok.  I am trying to think of advice to make it easier for you, but I haven't come up with anything.  Does your MIL only need a ride to the appointments?  Or does she actually need family to be there?  

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Annie G

Annie G

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Hugs.

You kind of have to depend on sibling and spouse to handle it right now. I mean, you’re already dealing with a health crisis in your family and can’t be expected to take on another. Maybe one out of the 3 appointments, but even that is a stretch.  MIL’s issues are recurring and maybe when the next episode rolls around you’ll be in a position to help more.

Can any of the appointments be done by zoom? Are they all actually needed? I ask because I’m my sister’s caregiver and on her recent hospital discharge there were multiple appointments that were actually not needed. Like her PCP appointment a few days after release-the PCP had no idea why she was there and had nothing to actually do for her. And a urologist who spent 3 minutes with her and said see ya in 4 months, we’ll see if the issue resolves.  
 

But mostly, hugs. My dh has had 2 heart attacks and there’s a lot to wrap your brain around. You need time to adjust to that.

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Tenaj

Tenaj

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So sorry you are going through this.  No words but prayers lifted up for you.

  I think I would do my best for mil but wondered that if she is capable could she use uber services to get her to some appointments?  There are also services that help the elderly get to appointments?  If she needs help comprehending what the drs. are telling her this wouldn't work but if she is mentally capable that would help you lighten your load a bit.  

 

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alysee

alysee

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10 hours ago, footballmom said:

DH had a major heart attack a few weeks ago and by the grace of Gad is still with us. He has more testing and likely additional procedures coming up over the next few weeks in addition to some rehab. 

My MIL landed in the hospital again. I love her dearly, she knows what DH went through but not the severity. Due to choices she continues to make, she is in a cycle of medical emergency several times per year. There are 3+ follow up appointments that need to be scheduled to happen this week. She has friends, but these appointments have completely fallen on me, DH or his sibling’s spouse.  DH is out of the rotation for now. These appointments will be followed by several more appointments. Each appointment means at least half a day of work lost.

I started a new job not long before DH’s heart attack. They have been very supportive, and they deserve someone to give 100%. I am doing the best I can. I am the bread winner, this job is important to me and my family. 

One of my kids is at the 5 yard line of an exciting and fun milestone, but needs my support (and I want to support) to take care of things with Big Important Deadlines to make sure this child has all the options that they want. Another kid at home needs me, too.

I feel like a robot that has to just put one foot in front of the other. I haven’t begun to process the heart attack. I am so sad (and a little mad, though not at any one person) that I can’t take the time I need right now to focus on my own little family and I am stretched soooo thin. I am super protective of DH and his sibling and that spouse can’t take all these appointments on for MIL without my help. But I just want to stick my head in the sand.

That is a lot. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I am glad your DH is going to be okay. 

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Faith-manor

Faith-manor

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I am so sorry. For the time being, you really do have to let sibling and spouse do this. You have to keep your job, you have to take care of your dh. But, there is one thing that maybe you and dh's sibling could agree on, and that is that she will have to take uber or hire a non professional driver to take her to a lot of these appointments. It may not be ideal for her to not have a relative with her, but don't let the perfect/ideal be the enemy of good enough. Let her medical providers know that the family is in emergency crisis mode and will not be able to provide transport. Sometimes they know of local providers of driving services. Make MIL take some responsibility for lining up drivers if she is cognitively male to do it. And if she is able but unwilling, then become comfortable with her making the choice to not get to all of these follow up appointments.

Eldercare is very hard. Very very hard. They can become real terrors to their own family, refusing to be reasonable, and sometimes because they have the right to make bad, bad decisions, we have to let it go, and then allow them to reap the consequences of those choices. For my MIL, it is going to be ending up dying alone at the bottom of her porch steps because she refuses to allow a wheelchair ramp to be put on her house, and she has no balance, teeters like she is drunk, refuses to go to physical therapy which would help a lot, won't use her cane, and has C-spine degeneration so if she falls, she probably going to break her neck. Dh and his brother are done arguing with her. But while she thinks if something awful happens, we will take full time medical care of her in her house, she is going to be in a nursing facility if she survives. She has been told that too. She has convinced herself that we are just trying to bully her into having the wheelchair ramp and using her cane and walker. It isn't a threat; it is a promise.

It is okay to back off and let the chips fall if she refuses to cooperate with finding other drivers, paying Uber and Lyft, etc.

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

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In the “You should know” category of things…you can absolutely hire either a nurse to act as a case advocate and attend appointments (good for complicated medical stuff), or hire a driver and have your relative FaceTime you in to the call. I have done both when I could not be there for a relative in their own medical crisis. 
 

 

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sassenach

sassenach

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MIL may have to miss some appointments. There is only so much you can do. Sacrificing your dh’s health or your family income are off the table. I found with FIL that some appointments could be telehealth instead of in-person. Or they can spread them out more. Other things that may be available if you tell them she simply can’t make it to all of the appointments- home health nurse to assess and do labs or community transport. There are solutions that are never offered if a family is willing to do all the things. 
 

 

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BusyMom5

BusyMom5

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I'm sorry, elder care is so hard!  Will waiting a few weeks until DH has things ironed out hurt her?  If not,  I would let her know that DH was the priority patient right now, and you just cannot do Dr's for both of them.  Mils can be postponed a month or two. Where I live there are companies that take patients to their appointments- look into that for MIL. 

I know that through history elder care has often been a burden on families, but with our current medical abilities, people are living much longer and needing a LOT more support for much longer.  ❤️  Its okay to outsource this when you need to.  Do not feel guilty for taking care of your DH and son.  

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footballmom

footballmom

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Thank you so much to everyone for the support, hugs and brainstorming. To add a little more context, MIL does not drive and is not a reliable source for what is said in her appointments. We have all seen her say to a doctor or while hospitalized, “this is the first time I’m hearing this” when reviewing her conditions. She has one condition that (intentionally vague) she should be checking things daily but does not and sticks her head in the sand (something I would like to do myself right now).

All the advice here got me reflecting and thinking about your ideas for solutions. I told sibling spouse today that I am willing to schedule and bring MIL to one critical follow up appointment where results will be shared. The rest I am comfortable with her getting rides from friends or Uber and having MIL or doctor call us during the actual appointment. Sibling spouse did not like that and I told them that this is what I am able to do and they are welcome to personally attend the appointments that are important to them.  

I feel like I can take a breath tonight. Last night I was almost hyperventilating. I miss leaning on DH as my sounding board. This has also been a wake up call for me and my intensity with trying to do all the things and think 20 steps ahead every second. 

My local friends have been supportive but most don’t understand the perfect storm I’m in, or I get blinding positivity - I’m so strong! So amazing! And I don’t want to be those things, it is truly the only option for right now because someone has to. I’m so thankful to each of you for giving me a space to share all this and your support. 
 

Edited to add: I don’t feel like I gave my local friends enough credit - they have been more than wonderful with meals and pinch hitting with kid and dog things. Amazingly helpful. I think I just really miss being able to confide the effects this is having on me, so Hive, thank you for being there for me.

Edited by footballmom
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YaelAldrich

YaelAldrich

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I'm so sorry you have so many lousy things happening right now. But I'm extremely glad you are choosing to prioritize and not scatter your life and not take care of anything well.

If your sibling's spouse feels strongly about your MIL, she (he) can figure out a solution on their own.

I hope things begin to settle down and you get a breath or two very soon.

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Faith-manor

Faith-manor

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The hive has your back, Footballmom. As someone who nearly wrecked her health and marriage with eldercare, please take the following advice very seriously. Do the bare minimum when it comes to household stuff. It doesn't matter in a hundred years if the house got dusted this week or the vacuum run everyday or whatever. Keep meals simple, very little cooking. Salads, fresh fruit, hummus and pre cut veggies, baked potatoes and steamed broccoli, no frills just easy but nutritious. Take out can be a godsend when strssed, but over all, eating poorly will make you loose energy. Take special care of sleep hygiene. Do not be tempted to go to bed late in order to "get the things done" nor get up early for the same. Get a routine in place and do all the things that will help you sleep well at night. MAKE one hour a day to decompress. Bath, read a book, take a walk, ride the exercise bike, meet a friend, whatever works for you but absolutely do it and do not feel guilty! Caregivers can no longer give if they are all used up or like me, wake up in the ER on IV's for dehydration, and getting lectured by the doctor about what happens to the body when it is utterly exhausted. Trust me. That isn't fun, and it wasn't exactly helpful to my husband and our teens sons.

Medical science is a wonderful thing. But it is also a two edged sword. We have people living a lot longer, decades longer, but not healthy, not independently. Our generation is being bulldozed by this as we deal with parents who may live 20-30 in terrible condition while still raising kids, while still working, while facing our own health problems, and the system, our leadership, doesn't care and really just wants us to carry it all on our shoulders. We have to fight back and take care of ourselves so that our kids do not face that same bulldozer running over them, and elders need to face the fact that they cannot have such egregiously inappropriate expectations of their own adult children. Take time to care for you.

 

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