"In case of emergency" -- (young) adult kids home alone, who would you have them call?

[TheReader]

Suppose your (young) adult children all still live at home (why is a conversation for some other thread, not this one). 

Suppose you are going on vacation w/o them, and they are completely fine and self-sufficient, you have no concerns or anything like that. 

BUT, you still would like them to have a list of "in case of emergency, you can call...." people.  (and people who you are comfortable telling that the kids will be home alone).  So, the semi-local grandparents (an hour away), the neighbor(s) down the street, and.....??? 

Previously, we had very close friends, about 20 mins away, who were top of that list. They moved out of state, so there goes that. 

DS is dating a girl from church, and they've been dating a while, and I thought, "Oh, they'd be a good addition to the list..." so let the dad know this. His response kind of caught me off guard, so now I'm wondering if I'm out of line. 

If it matters, this is like....I don't know. If the house burns down and they need someplace to stay and for some reason grandma can't accommodate them. Or....I don't know. More just a matter of, "Hey, the kids are home alone, I don't think they'll need anything, they all can cook, drive, have a car, have money, etc., but just in case some weird thing comes up, in addition to the 2 neighbors on our street, in addition to the 2 grandparents, can you guys be on the list, just in case?"  Something like that. 

Anyway, the dad said basically "Okay, sure; I mean, there'd need to blood from at least 2 orifices for us to drive the 40 mins over here, but yeah, sure...."  which just...I don't know. Caught me off guard, like I said. This is the father of the girl my youngest has been dating for over a year. We're friendly, we eat dinner together semi-often-ish, the kids see each other a lot....was I out of line asking him/letting him know we'd thought of them for this? 

Maybe I should have *asked* him vs "oh, I told the kids y'all were one of the people they can call in an emergency while we're gone..."?? Is that were I screwed up?  

Thoughts?? How would *you* have reacted if you were the dad? 

 

**I assured the dad that the kids knew to call the neighbors &/or grandparents, etc., that they were just kind of back-up. But still. Curious about this. 

[teachermom2834]

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have even asked if they could be on the list. I understand the need to have people. I’m an adult and I don’t like living where I don’t have people. But I think if there was an actual emergency young adult would just call parent of significant other. Actually, young adult would call significant other who would say to their parent “hey Johnny lost power can he come stay here” or whatever. 
 

So I understand your concern but I think it is the execution. I don’t think I would even ask. It would just be like “call neighbor, call grandma, call girlfriend’s family.” So you aren’t wrong to think it through but maybe the formality of it seems a bit different. 

[HomeAgain]

I don't know if I would be so blunt in telling someone they're on a list.  I would expect the young adult to make that decision.  I know for oldest ds the first person he would call, after us, would have been his old boss. He trusts him, trusts his decision, and knows he's not far away.  I'm sure our neighbors would have contacted us before ds ever thought to contact them, lol, because his circle of who he trusts is different than mine, and that's a good thing.

Even now, at age 24, he'd call us, then his boss, then his friends.  Dh and I would send a heads up to the neighbors on our street, just saying we know what's going on and will get home as quickly as possible.  If necessary our neighbors would take care of things if ds was in the hospital or whatnot.

[regentrude]

Young adults? I.e, over 18? At that age I would assume they have a circle of trusted friends who are also adults, and they would call those. (And if the friends' families are local, those would be a good emergency contact if the young folks had a problem they couldn't solve - but that would be for the kids to decide, not mom.)
When we left 17 y/o DS alone for an overseas trip, emergency contacts with whom I cleared it ahead of time were his boss who was a friend of ours and the parents of his best buddy who were also friends.
But in any case I would ask first, not tell another adult that I made them an emergency contact. That seems an imposition.

ETA: Unless we are in the backcountry without cell service, WE were the adult kids' first emergency contacts. We can then help them solve the problem by directing them to local resources. 

 

Edited July 1, 2023 by regentrude

[Ginevra]

How would *I* react? I would wonder what scenario grown adults who drive, have money, are not medically fragile, etc. would require a random friend rather than a paramedic, law enforcement or firefighter. It sounds like maybe the dad was caught off guard too. Perhaps he did not mean to say it that way but he was possibly thinking something like this, like “ why would they call *me*?!” 
 

Once my kids are YA, I don’t think about them needing an emergency contact anymore, although I have siblings and in-laws they could call if necessary. But it’s really hard for me to think of a scenario that qualifies as necessary. 

[SKL]

My thought is that the dad was caught off guard by the idea that your young adult kids would need multiple backup people to call.  It would make one think, what kinds of things would they call about?  If it's a serious emergency, there's 911 and the grandparents.  If it's not a serious emergency, what on earth would you want me to do about it?  😛

Perhaps they're picturing the young adults calling them over small things ... like a clogged toilet, a smoke alarm that won't shut up, a leaky pipe.

Honestly, I probably would have just told my kid "these are the people who have agreed to be your backup plan in a minor emergency.  But if they can't help, and you really need someone, call your girlfriend's folks."  It probably wasn't necessary to get permission.

[SKL]

And yeah, TBH I think my kids would call their friends first (if it wasn't a 911 emergency).

And their friends call them, which is fine.  My kids can then ask me, as a pp suggested - "Sofia's house lost power and her folks aren't around.  Can she come here?"

[Rosie_0801]

Unless police/fireies/ambulance were needed, I'd expect my kid to google. 

[Carrie12345]

It wouldn’t occur to me to have an official list for my young adult kids. Come to think of it, my 16 and 12yos don’t have one, either. They know “our people” and have the contacts in their phones.

I would tell 3 of my close friends just because I have ONE out of 5 kids who would probably try to have a party. 😛

[Farrar]

I have a neighborhood friend who is the in the 'hood emergency adult adult for this situation. I do think new adults should have a trusted, known older person they can call locally in a situation like that. Other new adults aren't necessarily the people to dial if mom and dad are gone and the house was just majorly vandalized or there was a big kitchen fire or something. Or even if someone broke a limb. I mean, 19 yos are great. They are usually okay at this stuff when they have to be, but also, it would be good if there was a more experienced person for them.

I would have taken the gf's father's admonition as a little bit tongue in cheek. Also I would have phrased the ask differently more like you suggested.

[TheReader]

Okay, all of this is helpful. 

I guess I'm thinking of things like.....well, I don't know what.  The kids all know to call 911 for a real emergency, and I can't imagine them needing anything else beyond that honestly, but just.....I don't know. Stuff.   

As far as them calling "their" friends first....that didn't dawn on me. Oldest's friends are mostly not local, Middle's friends are mostly those that moved out of state and a good friend in Canada, and Youngest's would be the girlfriend & her family. So it just seemed natural to me that they'd be people the kids would call (being the only local friends to any of the 3 of them, really, although I guess oldest has some other friends he might think to call).

But you all are right, there really aren't scenarios I can think of that would necessitate the kids calling that family. 

[Ginevra]

II actually just asked a resident YA what they would do and they said, “Google?” And turn the water off to the house if it was a flooding situation. Or call an uncle. 

[Drama Llama]

Will you be out of cellphone range? 

[teachermom2834]

22 minutes ago, TheReader said:

 

**I assured the dad that the kids knew to call the neighbors &/or grandparents, etc., that they were just kind of back-up. But still. Curious about this. 

Honestly this might have made it worse. He might have been like “lady…what are adults going to need from an emergency contact five slots down the list?” 
 

He might have just thought it was overkill and been taken aback. And of course I am jumping here and this could be totally off base but if there is even a hint anywhere in your relationship (because you said you know each other well) if him thinking you are overprotective or a helicopter or a Type A personality or anything like that, it could have colored his response. I could be completely off base though so disregard if so. I know my fuse is a little shorter with a friend I think is overprotective. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not want my kids to be dating someone who needed their Mommy to arrange several layers of emergency contact for them.  I can understand the dad's reaction. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TheReader said:

I guess I'm thinking of things like.....well, I don't know what.  The kids all know to call 911 for a real emergency, and I can't imagine them needing anything else beyond that honestly, but just.....I don't know. Stuff.   

Aren't they able to reach YOU while you're gone? or is this a wilderness trip with no communication?

(There are situations below the 911 level where a young adult may be at loss how to proceed. DS recently had his parked car totalled and was overwhelmed how to handle that, so we talked him through.)

[TheReader]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

Honestly this might have made it worse. He might have been like “lady…what are adults going to need from an emergency contact five slots down the list?” 
 

He might have just thought it was overkill and been taken aback. And of course I am jumping here and this could be totally off base but if there is even a hint anywhere in your relationship (because you said you know each other well) if him thinking you are overprotective or a helicopter or a Type A personality or anything like that, it could have colored his response. I could be completely off base though so disregard if so. I know my fuse is a little shorter with a friend I think is overprotective. 

I assured him of that *after* he made his comment, since he seemed to find it all weird. 

[TheReader]

Just now, regentrude said:

Aren't they able to reach YOU while you're gone? or is this a wilderness trip with no communication?

(There are situations below the 911 level where a young adult may be at loss how to proceed. DS recently had his parked car totalled and was overwhelmed how to handle that, so we talked him through.)

They'll be able to reach us, yes. We'll be many hours away, so not able to get back to them quickly should something weird happen. 

I don't expect anything to happen. I admit to being overprotective. There is family history that influences that. 

I just thought....I don't know. We let the kids know in a general sense "if weird stuff happens, these are the grown-ups you can call if you need to and can't get us".  So then I thought it polite to give a heads-up to said grown-ups. But perhaps I didn't communicate that well to the dad in this case. 

[TheReader]

6 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I would not want my kids to be dating someone who needed their Mommy to arrange several layers of emergency contact for them.  I can understand the dad's reaction. 

Wow. 

I suppose it's good my kiddo is not dating yours. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TheReader said:

They'll be able to reach us, yes. We'll be many hours away, so not able to get back to them quickly should something weird happen. 

I don't expect anything to happen. I admit to being overprotective. There is family history that influences that. 

I just thought....I don't know. We let the kids know in a general sense "if weird stuff happens, these are the grown-ups you can call if you need to and can't get us".  So then I thought it polite to give a heads-up to said grown-ups. But perhaps I didn't communicate that well to the dad in this case. 

Sure, you won't be local - but you can tell them what they need to do if they are at a loss: call the police/go to urgent care/call the plumber (We use firm xyz)/try flipping the circuit breaker in the garage/go stay with grandma.

Anything that's not 911 level can wait a few hours.

 

[pinball]

23 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I would not want my kids to be dating someone who needed their Mommy to arrange several layers of emergency contact for them.  I can understand the dad's reaction. 

[Deleted by moderator]

[teachermom2834]

8 minutes ago, TheReader said:

They'll be able to reach us, yes. We'll be many hours away, so not able to get back to them quickly should something weird happen. 

I don't expect anything to happen. I admit to being overprotective. There is family history that influences that. 

I just thought....I don't know. We let the kids know in a general sense "if weird stuff happens, these are the grown-ups you can call if you need to and can't get us".  So then I thought it polite to give a heads-up to said grown-ups. But perhaps I didn't communicate that well to the dad in this case. 

I don’t think any of your thinking here is wrong. Stuff does happen and you have a right to worry as much as you want and telling your kids who to call is fine. I just wouldn’t even feel the need to be polite and mention it to the guy. The chance of them needing anything is tiny and if they would be offended you didn’t give them a heads up then they aren’t really the nicest people and I wouldn’t be worried about being so polite. I just wouldn’t have asked.

Sometimes in the course of launching young people we provide all kinds of transitional supports for them (or for our own peace of mind). We do not always need to advertise that we are doing them. The only thing wrong here is that you probably could have just never mentioned it to the guy. Surely he would have helped out if there was an emergency which there was a minuscule chance of and he would not have even thought of the fact you didn’t clear it with him. 
 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, pinball said:

Sometimes the mask just comes off, doesn’t it, folks?

No mask. It’s not mean or cruel to say that I understand the dad’s reaction. It’s also not mean to say that I would want a certain maturity and problem solving ability in the people dating my kids. Other people in this thread had already hinted at this with their surprise. But I also wouldn’t be having any say in who my kids date. I trust my adult kids to make those decisions for themselves. 

[catz]

I'd just expect the young man dating the other young woman to use her as a resource if needed.  If she lives with parents, well, they might naturally get pulled into the loop if necessary.

I could see being caught off guard when we are talking about neurotypical  young adults.  We may have this situation soon here and I haven't thought this is something I need to set up.  I mean I don't think it's weird to have a list of a few neighbors or something.  But I wouldn't think to check in with the girlfriends parents that live that far away up front.  If they lived down the street, I might give them a heads up we would be out of town.

[teachermom2834]

In my life I would be giving the other parents a heads up as in “the parents aren’t going to be home so I want you to know my kid will have the whole house to himself unsupervised in case you want to keep up with your daughter.” I’m sure I will get alot of hate for that and it would absolutely depend on the age of the kids and the nature of the relationship. But I would (and think I have with teens) given that heads up. And that is most definitely a YMMV! 

[rebcoola]

I would be caught off guard.  I only give them 2 contacts for my teens. I really cant think of why they would need more.

[Pawz4me]

When our boys were under 20 and we went somewhere we'd give a heads up to my brother and SIL. Very casually. We text all the time, so it was more of a "Remember we're headed to the beach tomorrow. Be back Friday. Told the boys to call y'all if they need anything." It never occurred to me to do anything more than that, and I think it would have struck me as strange if the parent of a young adult had called and (essentially) asked if I would be the third/fourth/fifth emergency contact for their young adult. But even though it's kinda weird I think I would have taken it in stride, assured them I'd be available if needed, etc. Because while maybe a little weird it's also no big deal. I'm sorry his reaction wasn't that.

[TheReader]

10 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

When our boys were under 20 and we went somewhere we'd give a heads up to my brother and SIL. Very casually. We text all the time, so it was more of a "Remember we're headed to the beach tomorrow. Be back Friday. Told the boys to call y'all if they need anything." It never occurred to me to do anything more than that, and I think it would have struck me as strange if the parent of a young adult had called and (essentially) asked if I would be the third/fourth/fifth emergency contact for their young adult. But even though it's kinda weird I think I would have taken it in stride, assured them I'd be available if needed, etc. Because while maybe a little weird it's also no big deal. I'm sorry his reaction wasn't that.

Thanks, I appreciate that. 

 

[TheReader]

37 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

No mask. It’s not mean or cruel to say that I understand the dad’s reaction. It’s also not mean to say that I would want a certain maturity and problem solving ability in the people dating my kids. Other people in this thread had already hinted at this with their surprise. But I also wouldn’t be having any say in who my kids date. I trust my adult kids to make those decisions for themselves. 

It was a little mean, or felt so, to imply that my child is undatable, or at least not worthy of dating your child, because of his (over)protective parents. 

The kids who are dating are newly 18 (mine) and 16 (his). The (young) adult older bros are not NT (nor is the brother of the girlfriend, so the parents are familiar with this), and luckily her parents are comfortable with the relationship, and our (over)protective parenting. 

You could have probably worded your reply in some way that didn't imply my kid is undatable or that my parenting is a red flag you'd warn your kids about, or....anyway, it felt a little mean. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, TheReader said:

It was a little mean, or felt so, to imply that my child is undatable, or at least not worthy of dating your child, because of his (over)protective parents. 

The kids who are dating are newly 18 (mine) and 16 (his). The (young) adult older bros are not NT (nor is the brother of the girlfriend, so the parents are familiar with this), and luckily her parents are comfortable with the relationship, and our (over)protective parenting. 

You could have probably worded your reply in some way that didn't imply my kid is undatable or that my parenting is a red flag you'd warn your kids about, or....anyway, it felt a little mean. 

I didn’t say that your child was undatable. I said that I understood why the dad might respond the way he did. And gave a reason why I might respond that way for my adult offspring who are older than yours. I can’t see the ages of your boys on my phone.  

[Garga]

I think the dad was being a bit of a jerk. Even if I was taken aback at being asked (and I would not be), I wouldn’t have been snarky about it. Sheesh. Sometimes people just say jerky things.

 

[73349]

I would make backup suggestions if we were going to be on a plane or something, sure, but I wouldn't think they'd need to be local... Any helpful adult contact could walk a YA through solving a non-911 problem.

[teachermom2834]

And OP, yes the guy was being a jerk even if most of us think what you were doing was overkill. His reaction wasn’t necessary. I would have felt pretty crummy after that. 
 

 

[Bambam]

When my youngest was in a large metroplex for her internship pretty far away from us, I did contact a friend in that and asked if she could contact her if she had any emergency.  Youngest knew no other folks in that area, but I did expect youngest would call 911 if an emergency, and she was in an Airbnb, so she could (and did) call the host if there were any issues with the place she was living, but ... other than that, I just expected she would take care of it. Same as I expect the oldest to take care of any emergencies/issues that arise wherever she is. When they are young adults, I don't really expect them to contact me in case of emergency except as a heads-up, maybe can you help, what is your advice (A/C not working, any ideas before I call a repairman?) type thing. 

But depending up on man answering question, I can see that being his attempt at humor? I mean I did tell my kids when they were growing up that if I heard screaming, I would expect to see blood or something on fire. We all might have some casual attitudes toward emergency stuff here. 

When my kids were teens, I did have a couple of neighbors and church folks they could call if they needed help here at home and couldn't get us.  My MIL has a list on her frig of folks she can call in an emergency - but in her case, I think that is mostly because she won't be very calm, so having step-by-step laid out plans with phone numbers is very helpful, useful, and reassuring to her. It can be a good plan for those who aren't calm in emergency situations. 

 

[Boymama5]

I guess I’m of a different opinion that when I was asked to be an emergency contact for a YA by their parent I thought nothing negative  of it. I was happy to be there if they needed help with anything by chance.  
 

I do think the response he gave you was off even if he didn’t agree with you. 

[kbutton]

I grew up where people often called friends to help out vs. paying a professional (furnace out, etc), so I can imagine a lot of sort of emergencies/urgencies where having a list of back-up adults would be great.

Heck, if there were a tornado or something like that, many people would be inexperienced in what to do in the aftermath, and knowing a YA adult might need checking on is utterly reasonable.

Family culture variations often have nothing to do with maturity. 

[Starr]

I Never told people they were on a list. I just left numbers if the kids couldn’t reach us, Someone that s worked on the house and a reminder of a neighbor that’s handy. Not everyone thinks to leave a little backup info. 

[Heartstrings]

I’d probably leave the list of the plumber and the HVAC company that I prefer to use or have a contract with.  I’m sure there are other numbers but I can’t think of them off the top of my head.   
 

I tend to panic a tiny bit with emergencies.  When water fell out of my ceiling while I was unpacking I wasn’t graceful about it.   When I was rear ended I couldn’t make my fingers work to google the non emergency number for the town I was in, all I could do was call my husband and get him to do it.   I understand wanting to leave some layers of contacts. 

Edited July 2, 2023 by Heartstrings

[SKL]

This is a good question though.  My kids are 1.5 years away from the age of majority, and I'm not sure what they'd do if various surprises occurred while they were house sitting.  We should probably be doing a mini-course in troubleshooting.

This thread reminds me of the time I was in charge of the house when my folks went to an out-of-state funeral.  I was about 19yo, a college student, and I was in charge of my siblings, ages 17, 10, and 6.  Everything was under control until the lights went out late in the evening.  I was writing a research paper that was due the next morning, and needed the light.  I drove down the street to where I had a used bookstore, because the store had electricity.  Then when I was driving home, my old car stalled.  I walked home and made my siblings walk back up to help me push the car home.  The little one sat in the car while the rest pushed.  Back home, my kid sister was putzing or whining about getting out of the car (maybe she fell asleep in there?) so I rushed her and then shut the car door impatiently ... on her finger.  SCREEEAM to the neighborhood at midnight!  Thankfully, the finger was OK.  I could not focus on finishing my paper, so I skipped class the next morning.  Of course all this was before cell phones, and it never occurred to me to call my folks ... what would they do anyway?  It was just a moment to chalk up to experience.  😛  But yeah ... what could go wrong ????

[Katy]

I hope I wouldn’t have said anything as rude or snarky as the dad… and I probably wouldn’t leave 18 year olds alone in the house… but I admit I would find the request surprising. I’d think I raise (at least the neurotypical) kids to know how to be responsible adults and I thought DD was dating a responsible adult, but maybe she isn’t. It would be a red flag that an adult needs that many emergency contacts and to have it pre-arranged by his mommy. I’d tell DD about the interaction and ask if she’d noticed anything weird WRT helicopter parenting, or signs you had anxiety and were struggling, or anything else that might be a red flag. And if she had I’d ask how she felt about that. 

Then again I’ll probably be eating my words when my two youngest become adults because I’m not super confident either of them will be capable of living alone, at least outside of a group home situation. 

[happypamama]

.

Edited July 2, 2023 by happypamama

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Bambam said:

But depending up on man answering question, I can see that being his attempt at humor? 

Yes, that would be my thought. Because I thought it was funny, lol 

6 hours ago, TheReader said:

 Maybe I should have *asked* him vs "oh, I told the kids y'all were one of the people they can call in an emergency while we're gone..."?? Is that were I screwed up?  

Thoughts?? How would *you* have reacted if you were the dad? 

**I assured the dad that the kids knew to call the neighbors &/or grandparents, etc., that they were just kind of back-up. But still. Curious about this. 

I would have let him know we'd be out of town, because his kid is a minor. 

It would strike me as a little odd to be on the emergency list if I lived 40 minutes away and there were grandparents and neighbors at the ready. I wouldn't care that you didn't 'ask' me, but what he said would probably be my first thought. It sounds like you generally get along, so I'd let it go as just one of those things. 

6 hours ago, TheReader said:

 If it matters, this is like....I don't know. If the house burns down and they need someplace to stay and for some reason grandma can't accommodate them. 

That's the kind of thing that gets handled in the moment, I think. If the house burns down, I'm pretty sure they are going to call you, and you can help troubleshoot from afar. If they're relatively calm, that might just be an Uber to a hotel. If they're really upset, having the three of them stay at the girlfriend's house would probably be a last resort - and again, something you'd handle/ask for at the time. 

I don't think he meant it in a mean way, he just can't imagine why they would call him (just as you really can't either). And he may well have thought that a joking response was the gentlest way of letting you know that it really would have to be an emergency for them to drive 40 minutes to your house, and for your boys not to expect them to go, idk, help change a flat tire or deal with a leaky pipe. 

I know some posters think he was rude, but I think it's just a mismatch in humor, one that hit you extra hard because you're genuinely anxious. 

Go on your vacation and have a great time. Your young adults have neighbors and grandparents and phones. If something happens, they'll solve it at the time. 

[katilac]

53 minutes ago, Katy said:

I hope I wouldn’t have said anything as rude or snarky as the dad…  

I thought it was funny more so than rude, but I do live in The House of Snark. 

[Teaching3bears]

I think that we live in a disconnected world and trying to establish more connections for the people we care about, whether over or under 18 is a good thing, not a bad thing.  So, I don’t think you did anything wrong.  Your kids will have a greater sense of inner security knowing that there are people who are “there” for them, whether they need it or not.  The dad may have been caught off guard, or making a joke or he might have stressors in his life right now that you don’t know about.  
 

 

[scholastica]

I have asked friends if mine who know my kids to be emergency contacts in this situation before. I did ask them if they’d be comfortable with it and we’ve been available for their kids. I would have asked if they were comfortable and not just assumed they’d be willing. There was no need for them to be snarky. 

[HomeAgain]

11 minutes ago, scholastica said:

I have asked friends if mine who know my kids to be emergency contacts in this situation before. I did ask them if they’d be comfortable with it and we’ve been available for their kids. I would have asked if they were comfortable and not just assumed they’d be willing. There was no need for them to be snarky. 

I've done this with younger kids.  In fact, whenever we move the first thing was always going to a spouses' meeting or saying hello to the neighbors, and it was customary to offer to exchange information for emergency contacts. 

For a young adult, it does feel a bit awkward to take that step for them.  They have people they trust.  They have a list of numbers in their phones.  It feels a bit of toe-stepping to enforce my own list on them when, if there was truly an emergency, they SHOULD be thinking about the people they trust - not finding an arbitrary list based on mine. 

I've gotten some strange calls from my adult child,most notably a picture of a very destroyed grill and "we need a new fire extinguisher" written below it.  😆 But part of learning how to adult is feeling capable making decisions in an emergency, or at least feeling like those around you feel you are capable of this step.  It does feel a little oversheltering to not transfer that responsibility if someone is adult enough to be alone for extended periods of time.

And the thing about informing people of a list - well, I look at it this way.  In an emergency, my adult child will contact people who he trusts to help him.  They may or may not be available or feel comfortable in that particular situation.  If I make a list and tell people they're on it, my child will contact people who he trusts to help him.  They may or may not be available or feel comfortable in that particular situation.  There is literally no difference in the outcome EXCEPT how I treat my child and their ability to make decisions.

I think sometimes we forget how capable we were at our kids' ages and how much more we were trusted to behave in an adult-like manner.  It's sometimes hard to take that necessary step back and give our full confidence.

[Melanie32]

I probably wouldn’t t have asked someone to be a 4th or 5th backup contact person. for my adult kids but I also wouldn’t think it strange if someone asked me to be their kids 4th or 5th back up person. Sometimes parents are just trying to cover all the bases. No big deal. Goodness knows we’ve all had our moments of being over anxious and if a few more people on the back up list make a parent feel better, then I’m all for it. 

If the adult children were in their upper twenties or older I would think it a bit strange. 

[Bootsie]

We moved to a new city when DD was in college.  She was going to coming to the house on a break for several days while we were out of town.  I knew the neighbors on one side fairly well (but the neighbors on the other side had not introduced themselves).  The neighbors we knew were aware that we were going to be out of town, so I told them that DD would be at the house for a few days (so they wouldn't wonder why someone they had never seen before was all of a sudden out our house while we were gone) and asked them if I could give her their number in case anything came up.  Something  actually did come up while we were gone, but DD called a college friend who was about an hour away and she and her boyfriend came and helped DD.  For the most part, I assumed my children knew responsible people who they were comfortable calling in various situation.

I have told a number of people I know who are dropping their kids off in our college town to share my number with their child and tell them to feel free to call me if they need anything.  I think, however, if one of these parents just told me that I was on the list of people they gave their child to call in an emergency (without asking) I would wonder how much responsibility was the parent expecting me to take (and what emergencies they were expecting).  

[LuvToRead]

Going by your signature I'm assuming your oldest is around 25, and your middle is around 22.  I would think at these ages they wouldn't need an "emergency contact" list.   My girls are 21 and 18 and they both have a number of people in their lives they can contact if the need arises.  We don't leave a specific list of people to call.  If the house is on the fire or there is a medical emergency they know to call 911.  Anything else they can work out on their own.   DH would probably be the first they would call.  

I too would be surprised if DD21's boyfriend's mother let me I know I was an emergency contact for him.

[scholastica]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I've done this with younger kids.  In fact, whenever we move the first thing was always going to a spouses' meeting or saying hello to the neighbors, and it was customary to offer to exchange information for emergency contacts. 

For a young adult, it does feel a bit awkward to take that step for them.  They have people they trust.  They have a list of numbers in their phones.  It feels a bit of toe-stepping to enforce my own list on them when, if there was truly an emergency, they SHOULD be thinking about the people they trust - not finding an arbitrary list based on mine. 

I've gotten some strange calls from my adult child,most notably a picture of a very destroyed grill and "we need a new fire extinguisher" written below it.  😆 But part of learning how to adult is feeling capable making decisions in an emergency, or at least feeling like those around you feel you are capable of this step.  It does feel a little oversheltering to not transfer that responsibility if someone is adult enough to be alone for extended periods of time.

And the thing about informing people of a list - well, I look at it this way.  In an emergency, my adult child will contact people who he trusts to help him.  They may or may not be available or feel comfortable in that particular situation.  If I make a list and tell people they're on it, my child will contact people who he trusts to help him.  They may or may not be available or feel comfortable in that particular situation.  There is literally no difference in the outcome EXCEPT how I treat my child and their ability to make decisions.

I think sometimes we forget how capable we were at our kids' ages and how much more we were trusted to behave in an adult-like manner.  It's sometimes hard to take that necessary step back and give our full confidence.

I have asked my children if they want those people to be aware that they are completely on their own and they have said yes. These are people who have been in their lives for decades and they feel comfortable with. I’m available to their YAs in the same situation. It’s a community, we’re there for each other. We will have this situation in a few weeks and one of these people said “Make sure your dc knows they can call us or come eat with us anytime!”