WWYD-issues with birth mother

[DawnM]

A's birth mother recently got out of jail.   

Our open adoption agreement included a photo of A every 3 months.   It specifically states that this is voluntary on my part and if I choose not to do it anymore, there will be no repercussions.   It further states a laundry list of things she is not supposed to do or the agreement is null and void.   

Well, she has violated pretty much every single thing at least once.   And now that she is out of jail she wants pictures but can't remember how to log on to the site anyway.   

I have tried very hard to maintain a relationship with A's birth father's mother, so, his grandmother on his birth father's side.   She is nice but a bit ditzy.

So, she asked for photos of A's Pre-K graduation.  I sent her one.   She shared it with her son, who shared with with A's birth mother.   

She has now posted a photo of him on FB and said, "See how miserable he looks?   I need to get him back, my poor baby!"   

I had some words with the grandmother and she apologized but the things she said at first frustrated me.    Here is a synopsis.   

ME:  Please don't send your son photos of A, it ended up on FB and she captioned it saying he looked miserable.   And just so you know, he was miserable, he didn't want to stand up in front of people and sing.

HER:   Well, I just finished a book about Michelle Obama and all the difficult things she did, maybe you could read it and talk to him about facing your fears.

ME:   I do not want photos of A posted by her and don't see how Michelle Obama has anything to do with the situation

HER:   Oh, who reads her FB anyway?

ME:   That is not the point, she has posted photos of MY child that I didn't want her to have

It was only after that that she apologized.

What would you do?   Give her another chance?   Cut her off?   

I am trying to be gracious but I also have no obligation to communicate with her.   She is in CA and I am in NC so there isn't a worry of visiting.  And I feel bad for her.   Her son is a monster and lives with her.   But I also think she is an idiot for continuing to enable her son.

[lmrich]

That  sounds beyond frustrating. I would state that if another  picture ends up on social media, it will be the last one they get. 

 

[purpleowl]

I would...

1. Assume that any photos given to the birth grandma will end up being shared with the birth mom. You cannot control what happens to a photo once you share it with someone. Only share photos that you're okay with the whole world (including the birth parents) having access to. So if there's a photo you're okay sharing with the world, go ahead and give it to birth grandma. If not, don't. 

2. Stop following the birth mom on Facebook. Find someone else in your life who can check on her page periodically and let you know ONLY if there is a potential legal issue. Otherwise, her posts are only going to lead you to feeling upset, with nothing you can do about it.

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, purpleowl said:

I would...

1. Assume that any photos given to the birth grandma will end up being shared with the birth mom. You cannot control what happens to a photo once you share it with someone. Only share photos that you're okay with the whole world (including the birth parents) having access to. So if there's a photo you're okay sharing with the world, go ahead and give it to birth grandma. If not, don't. 

2. Stop following the birth mom on Facebook. Find someone else in your life who can check on her page periodically and let you know ONLY if there is a potential legal issue. Otherwise, her posts are only going to lead you to feeling upset, with nothing you can do about it.

I am not able to do #2.   That may seem crazy to you, but I need to be aware of all of it.  I also screen shot anything I think might be necessary should I need to file a restraining order.   You know that phrase, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?   Yeah, that.   

And for #1.   That will mean I will stop sharing photos, PERIOD.   She asked for a photo of him graduating and I gave it even though I know it wasn't a great photo.   No more of anything but a happy kid and I will not take requests for photos anymore, you get what you get and you are happy with it!  However, if things end up there again, we are DONE.   

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I am not able to do #2.   That may seem crazy to you, but I need to be aware of all of it.  I also screen shot anything I think might be necessary should I need to file a restraining order.   You know that phrase, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?   Yeah, that.   

And for #1.   That will mean I will stop sharing photos, PERIOD.   She asked for a photo of him graduating and I gave it even though I know it wasn't a great photo.   No more of anything but a happy kid and I will not take requests for photos anymore, you get what you get and you are happy with it!  However, if things end up there again, we are DONE.   

I would probably already be done honestly.  Even if grandmother is very nice she is not trustworthy as evidenced by the fact she lets her son live with her. I think it would be very difficult for any grandmother to not share a picture of her grandchild with that child’s father.   If he lives with her she could have just shown him the picture so he did not have the ability to forward…..but it all sounds too much for my comfort.  

[BusyMom5]

Well, she is the one who raised the monster that is her son.  I would be done with her at this point.  She hasn't respected your place as mother, doesn't respect the danger the birth mom could put A in, and obviously has mentally explained away her own sons behavior.   

[Junie]

She apologized. I would give her another chance.

Your child might want a relationship with his grandmother some day, so I wouldn't cut her off over this.

[Jaybee]

I would no longer share photos. I know they want to see him, but they have not shown themselves to be responsible with what you have shared. It isn't about them, it is about him and your protection of him. His needs trump theirs. I love my children and grandchildren deeply, but I no longer share photos of them on social media, even though I have the cutest grandkids in the world. Most of our kids do not share photos online of their children, and I will not do so either, and will respect their guidelines. We don't know where that exposure will lead in the future (general photos online, I mean), and with A in a vulnerable position anyway, I just wouldn't risk it.

[Spryte]

 

8 hours ago, DawnM said:

I am not able to do #2.   That may seem crazy to you, but I need to be aware of all of it.  I also screen shot anything I think might be necessary should I need to file a restraining order.   You know that phrase, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?   Yeah, that.   

And for #1.   That will mean I will stop sharing photos, PERIOD.   She asked for a photo of him graduating and I gave it even though I know it wasn't a great photo.   No more of anything but a happy kid and I will not take requests for photos anymore, you get what you get and you are happy with it!  However, if things end up there again, we are DONE.   

I agree with the above. If you have a trusted friend to keep an eye on the FB page, great. Maybe your DH can alleviate some stress (if it’s stressful) for you by watching the FB page. Otherwise, you just have to do it.

You choose the pics you share. Don’t ever take requests. Stop that tradition, right now. Only send the unabashedly joyful pics. This BGM is the take a mile type, right? She makes a lot of weird demands, IIRC. I would not play those games. 

If you want to share pics with BGM going forward, state clearly one more time that any pics ending up on FB or other SM will mean you will no longer share pics. Period. Mean it.

You don’t have to share pics at all. Send a card and share a story. Or share nothing.

As for the comment that BM made on her FB page — keep a screenshot and document!

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by Spryte

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Well, she is the one who raised the monster that is her son.  I would be done with her at this point.  She hasn't respected your place as mother, doesn't respect the danger the birth mom could put A in, and obviously has mentally explained away her own sons behavior.   

Agree.  I believe birth parents should not be cut off unless there are compelling reasons…..and you definitely have all the compelling reasons anyone would need.  

[Junie]

2 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I would no longer share photos. I know they want to see him, but they have not shown themselves to be responsible with what you have shared. It isn't about them, it is about him and your protection of him. His needs trump theirs. I love my children and grandchildren deeply, but I no longer share photos of them on social media, even though I have the cutest grandkids in the world. Most of our kids do not share photos online of their children, and I will not do so either, and will respect their guidelines. We don't know where that exposure will lead in the future (general photos online, I mean), and with A in a vulnerable position anyway, I just wouldn't risk it.

Yes, I agree with this and I am very private with my children's photos. 

However, sometimes a group that they are in will post photos on their facebook page.  It's kind of part of our world and it really can't always be avoided.

I said I would give the grandmother another chance, but I would make sure that she understands that you don't want the photos published.

[Starr]

There are so many ways to share pictures online I think one has to assume they will be shared. You may or may not be able to see them. 

[Katy]

I’d stop sharing photos. The grandmother made it clear she will share every one and they will be posted online, which only enables biomom to continue this threatening behavior. 

When they press for more photos say no, you will not contribute to enabling threats toward your child. 

[Bambam]

I'm sorry. That is a tough situation. You have tried to be helpful and bend over backwards. 
I would not send any more photos. Period. If the parents say, "Do not share", then that is what you do. If you do share, IMHO, you are not going to get any more photos. I might allow one accidental share, but with the response you got, it is going to happen again. I might send written updates (A graduated K today. He will start 1st grade this fall. Really enjoys xyz.) - type stuff, but it would just be factual, no details. 

As for the other things birth mom has done, I'm not sure what I would do about that. 

[SKL]

I would stop sending her photos for one.

I doubt that I would cut her off though.  Your son may someday appreciate that the connection is still there.

[kathyl]

I get the feeling that she's going to take whatever you give her and do what she wants with it - photos, info, whatever - no matter what you say or do.  I would either give a final ultimatum knowing she's going to ignore your requests, and then cut her off.  Or just cut her off based on what she's already done.

Going to actual written word might work.  I did that with my mother knowing she would never actually write down the things she said in real life.  She didn't want that record out there.  I never heard from her again once I put that stipulation on it.

Also, I can see where this 'give them an inch and they will take a mile' could escalate as your son gets older.  NOW would probably be the best time to prevent that.  And you know where they are, so once your son is firmly grounded in life, you can help him contact them if that's what HE wants, knowing what he's liable to find because you've explained it to him over the years. 

I understand having to keep up with the social media and all, but that just sounds depressing.  😞

Edited June 13, 2023 by kathyl

[Grace Hopper]

You said you’re not obligated to send the photos? Don’t send any more photos. 
 

No second chances with your child’s privacy, especially with a volatile birth mother who may manage to jump on a plane some day, or cause problems in other ways. 

[Lecka]

I don’t know, but what a lot of nerve to post a picture and say the child looks unhappy!!!!!!

I could not believe someone would do that!

 

[Shoeless]

I would be done with BGM. What if A wants a relationship later on? Are you ok with BGM potentially letting her son talk to A? And then bio mom? Or pushing A to visit "the family" when he's finally 18?

That's where I am afraid all of this leads to. 

[Faith-manor]

I think I would be done, if I am being honest. I think she just isn't going to have healthy boundaries. They will end up on facebook. Birth mom will make comments, and seeing the photos may rile up her behavior. The other factor also being she chooses to live with a person who is, as you have described and I don't doubt you, a monster. You aren't obligated to honor requests or give her photos at all. I might consider an annual or bi-annual letter about A, "This year he learned to ride a bike without training wheels", or whatever. Maybe that letter would have a very granny photocopy pic taken at a distance, something making it hard to identify his face.

I just think these bios have proven themselves to be such a mess that letting them figure out their lives without preoccupation with A. Give yourself a break on this issue. It had to be stressful to deal with them when they do stupid things like this. 

[Corraleno]

I would absolutely not send any more photos to BGM, because the risk of those photos being put on social media and/or given to the BM is way too high, no matter what she might promise. 

Knowing that your child has a mentally unstable BM who will never stop thinking you "stole" her baby and wanting to "get him back," it's a serious security risk for her to know what he looks like as he grows up. She may not have the wherewithal to travel to see him now, but things could certainly change in 5 or 10 years. Who knows what AI capabilities will be like in the future, you could send a photo of your then-10-yr-old son to BGM with what you think is a neutral background only to find that AI can geolocate it, and crazy BM could find out where he is. Safer to just send an occasional email to BGM with generic info and no pictures.

[luuknam]

24 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Knowing that your child has a mentally unstable BM who will never stop thinking you "stole" her baby and wanting to "get him back," it's a serious security risk for her to know what he looks like as he grows up. She may not have the wherewithal to travel to see him now, but things could certainly change in 5 or 10 years. Who knows what AI capabilities will be like in the future, you could send a photo of your then-10-yr-old son to BGM with what you think is a neutral background only to find that AI can geolocate it, and crazy BM could find out where he is. Safer to just send an occasional email to BGM with generic info and no pictures.

Also, aging software already exists. It probably has limited accuracy since it can't predict what weight a person will be, or what haircut they'll have, but, the shorter into the future it has to project, the more accurate it's likely to be. 

I don't know enough about the backstory, but if you send any more pics, it seems they'll definitely need to be happy ones. Personally, I'd maybe be happier seeing more of a mix of a range of emotions, because I wouldn't think a happy pic once a year or w/e proves the kid is happy, but the biomom at least clearly cannot handle less than happy pics. If she's going to end up seeing any pics, at least make it easy for her to believe that her kid might be better off with you, or be okay with you, etc. I'd imagine the doubt of what someone else is doing with your kid could really eat away at people. 

Personally (not knowing more background), I might go with the one-more-goof and they're out, and/or just send them the occasional pic of a drawing the kid made. 

[Farrar]

I guess... take this with a grain of salt because I'm not an adoptive parent so I may not be thinking of this in the right terms. But the only reason I would even consider not being done in your situation is that I'd be asking myself how much grace for his bio fam A might want you to have had when he's grown and looks back on these types of decisions. Because I can imagine his answer would be a lot or none at all given everything. But I did a decent amount of my parenting at young ages thinking about which decisions I would be most comfortable defending to my kids when they were old enough to really question them.

[gardenmom5]

bio-mom is probably past time to cut her off.

bio-paternal grandmother, I might give her a chance of what generic thing A is doing, but no photos showing his face, and go from there.

[DawnM]

54 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

bio-mom is probably past time to cut her off.

bio-paternal grandmother, I might give her a chance of what generic thing A is doing, but no photos showing his face, and go from there.

Agreed.  I have cut her off but apparently they have not .

[Shoeless]

18 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Agreed.  I have cut her off but apparently they have not .

I admit that I am harsh about this, but I would cut them all off. They pose a security threat to A. Grandma has poor boundaries. Bio dad is a "monster". Bio-mom is unstable and just got out of jail. 

Where are the positives for A in continuing the relationship? 

[marbel]

I've not been involved in an adoption, and I always tend to look at the worst case scenario, so, ya know, ignore me if you like.

I'm wondering about the social media. I believe only Facebook has been mentioned. So, you could tell GM the next time the bio mom posts a photo on Facebook, there will be no more photos. But there are other forms of social media. Are you following her on Instagram as well? And any other forms of SM I am not thinking/aware of?  Also, what if she texted a photo to a friend who then posted it on their SM, saying something like..."this is Lucy's boy who was stolen from her. Isn't he sweet?" You would not see that, right? You could think that photos are not circulating, but they could be.

So... I would not send any more photos. I agree about keeping lines of communication open with the GM if you like, so you can give him the option to explore that part of his family when he is an adult. But, no more photos. The GM cannot be trusted on this. 

[Wishes]

Maybe send BGM hard copy of an annual school photo, or pic with Santa, or whatever took over Sears photos. She gets one or two photos she can put on the fridge and look at. She could take a photo of the photo to send to A’s mom but it’s an extra step that she might not follow through with.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Wishes

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Shoeless said:

I admit that I am harsh about this, but I would cut them all off. They pose a security threat to A. Grandma has poor boundaries. Bio dad is a "monster". Bio-mom is unstable and just got out of jail. 

Where are the positives for A in continuing the relationship? 

True.   My friend told me, "Dawn!   Staying in touch with the birth grandmother of the abusive birth father is NOT A THING!   Just stop it!" 🤣

But you all have a point about future relationships, etc....

 

[Shoeless]

31 minutes ago, DawnM said:

True.   My friend told me, "Dawn!   Staying in touch with the birth grandmother of the abusive birth father is NOT A THING!   Just stop it!" 🤣

But you all have a point about future relationships, etc....

 

He still has the potential for a relationship later. Putting distance between him and them now doesn't rule out something in the future. It does reduce the potential for trauma in the meantime. 

[DawnM]

The open adoption agreement said that I would maintain a gmail account where I can put a pic or two every 3 months into.   It further states that I do not have to have ANY contact with her outside of that, and, if I don't have pics in there, there is no repercussion.

It further has a list of about 8 things she cannot violate or the agreement is null and void.

She used some nasty guy's FB account last week to message me.   She said she couldn't log in to our shared gmail account to see photos.    I immediately blocked creepy guy and didn't respond.   This is not my problem.   

I just went on our shared account.   She hasn't been on there since October.   But she still posted on FB that I am playing games with her and not allowing her access to photos.   I know it is all part of her sickness but ARGH!

When I have tried to engage in conversation with her it turns to something I have never seen in my life.   She starts accusing me of allowing men to touch me inappropriately, and says things in great detail and I always have to hang up or block at that point because it gets so twisted and nasty.    I don't even feel comfortable repeating any of the nasty things she has said to me and about me.

She can't go to a homeless shelter because she is disruptive there and the other tenants say they feel threatened and I am not doubting it.   She has threatened to kill me and kidnap A.   She also finds random people on FB and asks if they will kidnap A for her.   

Overall, I think she is harmless but if she ever gets on a bus to head this way, I will def. feel threatened.   I am actually surprised she hasn't tried.

[SKL]

Well, in case my post was confusing, I didn't mean you should keep up a relationship with the birth mom, and I certainly don't mean your son needs to be in direct contact with any bio relative.  I was only talking about the grandma who is "nice enough."  And I meant that your son may appreciate that YOU kept up some contact with this one bio relative.  In the future, when he is old enough to have his own safe relationship with her, he will have your history with her as a resource.  (I would also personally try to keep some tabs on the birth mom, just so you know her general location and status when your son becomes an adult.  It sounds like you are doing this.)

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

Well, in case my post was confusing, I didn't mean you should keep up a relationship with the birth mom, and I certainly don't mean your son needs to be in direct contact with any bio relative.  I was only talking about the grandma who is "nice enough."  And I meant that your son may appreciate that YOU kept up some contact with this one bio relative.  In the future, when he is old enough to have his own safe relationship with her, he will have your history with her as a resource.  (I would also personally try to keep some tabs on the birth mom, just so you know her general location and status when your son becomes an adult.  It sounds like you are doing this.)

Oh, that wasn't directed at you, it was just further info.   

[Ting Tang]

I’m so sorry! This seems like a tough situation. I would understand an adopted child’s curiosity about biological heritage later on in life, but I’m concerned about your safety. I’d be taking steps to ensure your safety and your son’s safety, whatever that entails. THEY are the ones who messed up and now THEY are causing you distress. 

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

The open adoption agreement said that I would maintain a gmail account where I can put a pic or two every 3 months into.   It further states that I do not have to have ANY contact with her outside of that, and, if I don't have pics in there, there is no repercussion.

It further has a list of about 8 things she cannot violate or the agreement is null and void.

She used some nasty guy's FB account last week to message me.   She said she couldn't log in to our shared gmail account to see photos.    I immediately blocked creepy guy and didn't respond.   This is not my problem.   

I just went on our shared account.   She hasn't been on there since October.   But she still posted on FB that I am playing games with her and not allowing her access to photos.   I know it is all part of her sickness but ARGH!

When I have tried to engage in conversation with her it turns to something I have never seen in my life.   She starts accusing me of allowing men to touch me inappropriately, and says things in great detail and I always have to hang up or block at that point because it gets so twisted and nasty.    I don't even feel comfortable repeating any of the nasty things she has said to me and about me.

She can't go to a homeless shelter because she is disruptive there and the other tenants say they feel threatened and I am not doubting it.   She has threatened to kill me and kidnap A.   She also finds random people on FB and asks if they will kidnap A for her.   

Overall, I think she is harmless but if she ever gets on a bus to head this way, I will def. feel threatened.   I am actually surprised she hasn't tried.

Based on this information, I would….

1) seek to amend the adoption agreement so that it is no longer “open”

2) never include photos or other specifically identifying info on the email that might help someone locate A at any time, just maybe a brief 2-3 sentence general update 

3) hard as it may be, continue to monitor and document her social media activity

4) totally lock down or give up your own social media aside from what you need to monitor her activity 

 

She’s unwell and dangerous. It’s sad that affects how you must live, but protecting A is the #1 priority. 

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Based on this information, I would….

1) seek to amend the adoption agreement so that it is no longer “open”

2) never include photos or other specifically identifying info on the email that might help someone locate A at any time, just maybe a brief 2-3 sentence general update 

3) hard as it may be, continue to monitor and document her social media activity

4) totally lock down or give up your own social media aside from what you need to monitor her activity 

 

She’s unwell and dangerous. It’s sad that affects how you must live, but protecting A is the #1 priority. 

1. I am not sure how to do that.   She threatened me long before the agreement and yet I agreed to it because I wanted it to be over with.   I was going to agree to photos ever 6 months.    Thankfully, I don't have to actually do any of it should I feel it isn't beneficial.

2. Good thoughts.  She has looked up our address online though.

3. I am.   I need to know.

4.   I think I have.   I have her blocked but she keeps getting new FB accounts so she keeps trying to contact me.

[Scarlett]

I don’t think there is any point going back to court to close the adoption. An open adoption is very meaningless anyway because adoptive parents have all the authority.

[Bambam]

Some folks I know change their name on FB to be just their first name + middle name (no last name). The one who mentioned said she did it to keep certain relatives from finding her. So maybe something like that might be a way to make it harder for her to find you on FB? Of course, you can always (if you have time, brain power, desire) usually track folks down anyway if you know relatives/friends/etc, but it takes a while longer- especially if your profile picture is not of you or your family. 

I am sorry you have to face this regularly. This is a struggle with unreasonableness, and that is always hard. 

 

[Ting Tang]

6 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Some folks I know change their name on FB to be just their first name + middle name (no last name). The one who mentioned said she did it to keep certain relatives from finding her. So maybe something like that might be a way to make it harder for her to find you on FB? Of course, you can always (if you have time, brain power, desire) usually track folks down anyway if you know relatives/friends/etc, but it takes a while longer- especially if your profile picture is not of you or your family. 

I am sorry you have to face this regularly. This is a struggle with unreasonableness, and that is always hard. 

 

If someone ever contacted you, though, can't they see your name changed?  You can download your history and create a new account, but sometimes that can be limiting if you're trying to join curriculum groups (I've been denied for having a new profile in the past).  You can deactivate your account and create a new one, too, but you might have to work around a couple of things because it will say you already have an account.

 

[Bambam]

11 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

If someone ever contacted you, though, can't they see your name changed?  You can download your history and create a new account, but sometimes that can be limiting if you're trying to join curriculum groups (I've been denied for having a new profile in the past).  You can deactivate your account and create a new one, too, but you might have to work around a couple of things because it will say you already have an account.

 

If you are friends, they still see you with this new name. 

If you've ever had any messages with them from your account, I think they still show up (unless the-name-changer has deleted that message thread). 

But if you are using a random strange man's FB profile to search for Mary Lou Smith, and she has changed her name to Mary Lou, it will be harder to find her - especially so if her name is a common one.  You can search for Frank Bob Smith, Mary Lou's husband, and you might find Mary Lou on his Friends list (although you can hide your friends list) and find her that way. Sometimes it is helpful to not specifically link your relatives to your FB profile. You can read messages from non-friends and decide whether you want to respond or not. 

I'm not a FB expert by any means, but I think this is the way it works. 

[Grace Hopper]

45 minutes ago, DawnM said:

1. I am not sure how to do that.   She threatened me long before the agreement and yet I agreed to it because I wanted it to be over with.   I was going to agree to photos ever 6 months.    Thankfully, I don't have to actually do any of it should I feel it isn't beneficial.

2. Good thoughts.  She has looked up our address online though.

3. I am.   I need to know.

4.   I think I have.   I have her blocked but she keeps getting new FB accounts so she keeps trying to contact me.

Re #1 - I wonder if with enough documentation you could be ready to go to court over this should the need arise. 
 

Re #3 - Yeah, your home address is easy to look up. But that, in a way, is your defensible “fortress.”  I’d try to make sure she has no peripheral info about his activities (thinking as he gets older, middle school, etc) so she wouldn’t be able to show up at, say, the soccer field. Without info and photos it would be harder for her or anyone she manages to become complicit to spot and approach him. 
 

FWIW I agree that when A becomes of age, he has every right to pursue finding his birth family members, should he desire to do so. In the meantime, unless she fully and truly rehabilitates, keep up that wall of protection. 
 

Dawn, you are a great advocate for A, he is blessed to have you. As you well know, parenting is exhausting in the best circumstances; your situation requires more mental and emotional energy and I hope you’re able to just relax and have fun with A along the way. Hypervigilance is draining. 

[luuknam]

14 hours ago, Wishes said:

Maybe send BGM hard copy of an annual school photo, or pic with Santa, or whatever took over Sears photos. She gets one or two photos she can put on the fridge and look at. She could take a photo of the photo to send to A’s mom but it’s an extra step that she might not follow through with.

Biograndma might not, but she lives with the biodad, who probably is much more likely to (iirc she gave him the pics and then he gave the pics to biomom?). 

After the update, my vote is definitely no more photos unless extremely unrecognizable (no face). Part of me is wondering how old biograndma is, whether she's likely to still be alive when your kid is 18, but then the other part of me thinks that even if she isn't (or possibly especially if she isn't) he might like to read the email back-and-forths from her, so it doesn't really matter. But, I'd go super generic. 

[kathyl]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

The open adoption agreement said that I would maintain a gmail account where I can put a pic or two every 3 months into.   It further states that I do not have to have ANY contact with her outside of that, and, if I don't have pics in there, there is no repercussion.

It further has a list of about 8 things she cannot violate or the agreement is null and void.

She used some nasty guy's FB account last week to message me.   She said she couldn't log in to our shared gmail account to see photos.    I immediately blocked creepy guy and didn't respond.   This is not my problem.   

I just went on our shared account.   She hasn't been on there since October.   But she still posted on FB that I am playing games with her and not allowing her access to photos.   I know it is all part of her sickness but ARGH!

When I have tried to engage in conversation with her it turns to something I have never seen in my life.   She starts accusing me of allowing men to touch me inappropriately, and says things in great detail and I always have to hang up or block at that point because it gets so twisted and nasty.    I don't even feel comfortable repeating any of the nasty things she has said to me and about me.

She can't go to a homeless shelter because she is disruptive there and the other tenants say they feel threatened and I am not doubting it.   She has threatened to kill me and kidnap A.   She also finds random people on FB and asks if they will kidnap A for her.   

Overall, I think she is harmless but if she ever gets on a bus to head this way, I will def. feel threatened.   I am actually surprised she hasn't tried.

I would cut them off just based on the above alone.  And develop a plan to 'educate' your son about these people so he can protect himself when he's older.  

We had all kinds of problems with dh's mother (and sister and cousin - the mother's flying monkeys).  At some point she cut us off and it was quiet for years.  We had also moved to the other side of the country for dh's job which helped.  But as soon as dc start getting into colleges, various relatives associated with dh's mother began finding ways to email some of them.  I mean, it's easy to track down college kids with their college profiles, and if they get any kind of awards or stuff, it's plastered all over the college sites.

IOW, at some point your son's bio relatives might turn the focus away from you as your son gets older and focus solely on your son.  Maybe do whatever it takes now so that if/when that happens, he is able to deal with it and still go about a normal life.

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

Some folks I know change their name on FB to be just their first name + middle name (no last name). The one who mentioned said she did it to keep certain relatives from finding her. So maybe something like that might be a way to make it harder for her to find you on FB? Of course, you can always (if you have time, brain power, desire) usually track folks down anyway if you know relatives/friends/etc, but it takes a while longer- especially if your profile picture is not of you or your family. 

I am sorry you have to face this regularly. This is a struggle with unreasonableness, and that is always hard. 

 

I did this as well, and I spelled my middle name differently than my legal middle to extra throw the whackadoodle relatives off the scent. These people are not mentally ill, but they are absolute drama divas, and fight amongst each other like wild animals kept together in small cages. I just do not want to deal with it. It has worked well. My brother, who lives two blocks away from me, still thinks I do not have Facebook.

Dawn, I think you need to document the crazy with printed screen shots and keep a file just in case. 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

1. I am not sure how to do that.   She threatened me long before the agreement and yet I agreed to it because I wanted it to be over with.   I was going to agree to photos ever 6 months.    Thankfully, I don't have to actually do any of it should I feel it isn't beneficial.

2. Good thoughts.  She has looked up our address online though.

3. I am.   I need to know.

4.   I think I have.   I have her blocked but she keeps getting new FB accounts so she keeps trying to contact me.

I hope you move soon. It might slow her down. If at all possible, do not forward mail to your new place. Maybe rent a post office box for a coupe months for forwarding, and try to contact everyone you need to have your new address. Then if she tries to contact you by mail because you have changed your social media accounts or figured out you have new email so sends you a letter, it will get returned once the post office box is let go. Not sure what to do once she figures out your new physical address. I do have to say I am very concerned about monster dad knowing where you live. I would be in favor of having a big golden retriever that you paint striped so it looks like a tiger roaming free in the yard, and security cameras. Maybe a moat and some realistic, plastic alligators, then publish pictures of the house so the two of them don't get any crazy ideas. Hugs

Edited June 14, 2023 by Faith-manor

[Farrar]

I keep thinking about how annoying it is that there isn't a good technological solution to this. A way to send a photo so that it's really hard to download and share and it poof... goes away really fast. But I think even old people know how to screenshot now.

[QueenCat]

21 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I keep thinking about how annoying it is that there isn't a good technological solution to this. A way to send a photo so that it's really hard to download and share and it poof... goes away really fast. But I think even old people know how to screenshot now.

Snapchat? 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Snapchat? 

those images can be saved but maybe you can change your settings so the images disappear very quickly, so that might make it more difficult?

[Ting Tang]

7 hours ago, Bambam said:

If you are friends, they still see you with this new name. 

If you've ever had any messages with them from your account, I think they still show up (unless the-name-changer has deleted that message thread). 

But if you are using a random strange man's FB profile to search for Mary Lou Smith, and she has changed her name to Mary Lou, it will be harder to find her - especially so if her name is a common one.  You can search for Frank Bob Smith, Mary Lou's husband, and you might find Mary Lou on his Friends list (although you can hide your friends list) and find her that way. Sometimes it is helpful to not specifically link your relatives to your FB profile. You can read messages from non-friends and decide whether you want to respond or not. 

I'm not a FB expert by any means, but I think this is the way it works. 

I once received a very threatening message from someone on Facebook (saying I was next), so I changed my name and ultimately deactivated my account. It freaked me out.  It was a stranger based off a comment I made on a store's post, lol.  

[annandatje]

Based upon past history, I would cut all contact with all members of birth family until or if my child wishes to meet them at an appropriate age