s/o Are you a good friend (in your opinion)?

[SKL]

These friendship threads always make me look in the mirror (whether I want to or not).  I would never meet a lot of people's requirements for friendship.

I don't think I'm that good of a friend.  I'm not the worst either.  Of course I want to be a good friend, but I'd also like to be a morning person - ha!

Some of my friend strengths:

• I really value the time others spend with me.
• I admire others' talents that I don't have.  Tell me and show me.
• I'm honest.
• I'm not judgmental.  I don't try to tell others what they should do / should have done.
• I'm not sensitive/dramatic/suspicious and I don't hold grudges.
• I'm not "needy."  I will give you whatever space you need.
• I'm not too fancy for anybody.
• I don't have a problem with your religion, politics, etc., as long as you keep it civil.
• I usually have something interesting / weird / borderline unbelievable to share if that interests you.  😛

But my weaknesses:

• I am an extreeeme introvert.
• I might arrive late more often than others.
• My schedule is not free.  Not that I don't waste time (poor time management, probable ADHD), but people give me a hard time if I make personal plans.
• I can't remember names, faces, and a lot of things about adults.  (But I will remember a lot about your kids.)
• I have a tendency to bitch and go on too long about things when I should shut up.  (But I will also listen when you do this.)
• I have been known to miss meetings because of dumb mistakes (left vs. right turn, read an email wrong ....)  I've been known to forget my wallet when I should have paid!  (This upsets me so much but yep, it has happened more than once.)
• I'm not put together well.  You might be embarrassed to be seen with me.
• I'm not sentimental.  I don't acknowledge birthdays and I will probably forget to congratulate you about something.  I won't send you flowers or a thank-you card.  (I wouldn't want these done for me either.)  I do try to acknowledge big things like weddings, hospital stays, and funerals.
• I'm probably lazy.  I'm not that friend who is always there to help you through everything ... unless you're one of my closest people.  (Again, this is not something I look for in a friend either.)
• I'm not good about keeping in touch.  I just assume you have more pressing things happening in your life than a lame message or call from me.

So on balance, I think I'm an OK person but not someone most peers would want as a friend.  Not sure how to feel about that.  And honestly, I have no particular inclination to do something about it right now.  Maybe I'll be lonely once life slows down and I start losing my closest people.

Do you guys ever think like this?  Do you consider yourself a good friend / a person peers would want as a friend?

Edited April 2, 2023 by SKL

[regentrude]

I think I am a good friend. 

I remember to reach out to people who I know are having a hard time  (during Covid, I ended up initiating 95% of all interactions and I hit the point where I was quite distraught that nobody cared to check in with *me* - especially when my father was dying overseas and I couldn't travel). 

I am a good listener, but am also willing to share my personal stuff so the sharing isn't one-sided.

I make time for friends. We are all busy, but I found busyness to be as much of a mindset as related to the actually available time. So unless I have something actually scheduled, I say yes if a friend asks for my time.

I am uncomplicated. I spontaneously invite friends over for tea or happy hour ( or, with a bit more notice, to my big outdoor party for 50). I love to just hang out and talk.. nothing fancy needed.

I offer help when I can and am reliable when I have agreed to do something and am always punctual. 

I remember stuff. Like the anniversary of a friend's teen son's death. And reach out to let them know that I remember. That doesn't mean I'm sentimental.  Just that I imagine it must hurt if everyone has forgotten. 

I think I am encouraging and celebrating my friends successes.

Edited April 2, 2023 by regentrude

[happi duck]

In my opinion I am a good friend.  I "do unto others" but am okay if stuff isn't reciprocated. 

To much of the Hive I would not be a good friend because I don't like friend outings and wouldn't initiate them.

I like working together on something or being in a group together like book club etc.

Eta: I also don't use the word friend in the same way or as quickly as others seem to

Edited April 2, 2023 by happi duck

[WildflowerMom]

Not really.   I am better being a loner with a couple 'occasional' friends.    I have health problems that keep me from being very dependable, unfortunately.    I also attract people who turn out weird or extremely off-putting or worse.   You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell about former friendships, lol.   

[fraidycat]

I used to be a better friend until I realized that it was pretty one-sided. Now, I am a friendly, but don't spend a lot of my time and energy on anyone who hasn't earned a slot on my calendar.

[Pawz4me]

Probably not. I’m an introvert who gets kind of oblivious to socializing. I can go for very long periods of time without reaching out to people. I think about them, but I’m not good about initiating contact. I think I’m a good listener when I’m with friends but I’m hesitant about sharing some things, even with friends I’ve had for decades. 

[Melissa Louise]

I honestly don't know.

I would have said yes, until recently, because I was a nice friend.

You know nice friends? They remember what's been going on with you, and they ask questions, and they listen to you, and they just generally don't cause you a problem, and they are helpful, and ever so slightly boring, because nice, right? A lot of the time the nice is deflection from being authentic, or vulnerable. But nice also tells you that you're always the problem, if there is a problem, and so you work on that, and they are never the problem - how could they be? That's not a nice way to think!

I feel like I am emerging from a cocoon and I am not a beautiful butterfly but a weird, multicolored one who isn't always nice. It occurs to me that friendship is not, at its core, about niceness, and that in previous friendships, what wasn't nice at all was that my friends were friends with a mask-me, not me-me.

Being an authentic friend is becoming more salient than being a nice, 'good' friend. I don't think authenticity is at odds with behaving in a way that communicates to a friend that they have great value to me.

But yeah, at heart I'm a flipping weirdo, and so I expect that limits my friendship pool. You wanna dive in though? I'm there. In that way, I'm a good friend. I'm loyal, I'm loving and I can be fun once I feel comfortable with you.

 

 

 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Sure I am, to the right people.

I'll help you move house, buy books for your kids, feed you if you're sick, be thrilled that your autistic kid ate a new vegetable and won't blame you if they didn't.

I won't give a speech at your wedding and I'm no use if you want to go dancing.

[livetoread]

In the past, no. I was good at the friendships that were in front of me, but not good at putting in the effort to maintain them once things required effort. I've done some work on that though, and I'm a pretty good friend now. I went through a very rough experience two years ago right now in fact, (okay no wonder I've been weepy lately) and the friends who helped me through it gave me many things to ponder about my own behaviors and how I could be a better friend. I'm an introvert and don't really need much contact which makes things harder, but I'm consciously working on being as supportive and caring as they were with me. It's even one of my 23 things to do in 2023 - reach out to certain friends in x amount of time. Now that I'm older and friendships don't fall in my lap, the ones I do have are so precious.

[Not_a_Number]

I think people have different friend needs. You can be a good friend for someone and a rotten friend for someone else. The important thing is that your expectations match. 

So, for example, my good friends don't tend to stay in very close contact -- I have friends in California and Texas that I'm in touch with sporadically, and we all know that doesn't change that we're very good friends. I plan to schedule some phone calls with them to talk to them more often and have a better sense of their lives (we saw each other MUCH more when we lived in the same places, obviously), but they are not hurt or offended. 

This would never work for DH and his closest friends. They keep in very good touch by phone. They'd be hurt if they talked as sporadically as I do with my good friends. 

On the other hand, I'm much more emotionally open with my good friends than he is with his. We expect open sharing in a way that his friends do not. 

Anyway, it just depends. 

As for me, I'm a good listener, I'm nonjudgmental, I'm up for lots of things, I am interesting to talk to and am genuinely interested in people's lives. 

But I'm also introverted and not great at keeping in touch and I am not great at remembering people's important occasions (which is why I tend to pick friends who don't much care about that and don't remember mine, either, lol.) 

[Scarlett]

I am an excellent cheerleader.  I know this for a fact over 50 years of my life.  I have had people come to me later and tell me I am the reason they finished a degree, broke up with the wrong mate, managed to keep living ect.  
 

I am not always great about doing practical helpful things unless someone else manages and arranges it.  If someone tells me, ‘ have a chicken pot pie delivered Tuesday at 5 pm’  by George I am your person…

[Katy]

To the people I value, yes. 

To those that seem shallow and/or only decide they like me or my family when there is a benefit to them, no. 

[Garga]

I don’t know. 

I think I’ve disappointed some friends in the past and have been just right for others. 

For one group of friends, I never initiate anything. But for other friends, I’m the only one doing the initiating. 

This is a good thread and something worth thinking about carefully. 

[wintermom]

OP, do you mean more keeping friends rather than making friends? If it's keeping friends, then I think I'm a good friend, as long as there are no ulterior motives or reasons for me to compromize my intengrity in the friendship. 

If a friend's intention is to try and convert me to their own church, and that's the only way they'll stay friends with me, then nope.  I'm not your newest convert. I'm fine with my own church. 😉 (Why is religion so awkward sometimes? - topic for a different thread)

I have a circle of friends that I've had for 10 - 20 years, and I also have some newer friends of 1 - 8 years. If I make a true friend, we usually stay friends unless I move or they move away. Then I do try to keep up the friendship, but life gets busy and fills in the time gaps pretty quickly.

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by wintermom

[Clarita]

I am a very good friend to a select few close friends. I'm good at being there for these people both practical ways and listening emotional ways. The reality is I can only be this for about 5 people. Everyone else is in the wider group of friends.

There's a wider group of people that I would still call my friends that I have zero expectations for. We hang out when we hang out. Some of those people I'll initiate stuff with but some in that group I don't. Some of them belong in within bigger groups of friends so we have built-in hangout planning. I'm horrible at remembering birthdays, kids birthdays, holidays, etc. If that disappoints people they shouldn't be my friend and I'm OK with that (I've got plenty). 

[SKL]

Honestly, my small group of absolutely true friends are people who have seen my ugly sides a ton.  It's no wonder I value them so much.  🙂  I would like to think we are in it for life.

[Melissa in Australia]

no I am a terrible friend. the absolute worst kind

 I do things like 

- wash your dishes without asking  if I see your sink overflowing  - from this board I have learned that this is inappropriate

- hang out your clothes or help hang out if you're in the process , without asking- from this board I have learned this is the absolute end of a friendship on the spot

- bring extra veggies over if I have too many in the garden - apparently this makes people feel terrible that they don't garden or that they have to then use veggies

- if asked what I have been up to then tell what I have been up to - Apparently this really upset my SIL - she felt very inadequate afterwards

- I never ever go out to cafes or drink  or anything along those lines and I most probably would never ring 

seeing my attempts of friendships have gone so very wrong I have decided it is easier to just live under my own rock and mind my own business and not be bothered with friends.

[Rosie_0801]

8 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

seeing my attempts of friendships have gone so very wrong I have decided it is easier to just live under my own rock and mind my own business and not be bothered with friends.

It is a shame we live six hours apart.

[Elizabeth86]

I’m not at all a good friend. It shows because I don’t have that many. My BFF has been my BFF since 5th grade. We are both extreme introverts that really get each other. We can months without so much as a text, but then out of the blue, one of us reached out and we pick up where we left off. I know she would say I’m a good friend. We definitely meet each other’s needs.  My other good friend is my good friend because 3 of her kids and 3 of mine are almost identical ages, so we have bonded over our kids friendship and the struggle of not being able to make friends easily. lol Other than that my kids and dh get all my time and attention:

[Carrie12345]

I am a terrific friend for the right people. I am a horrible fit for others.  I really only get close to people who appreciate a bit of abrasiveness in their lives and are also ones to text “I’m just seeing this message now!” two weeks later.

 

[Ausmumof3]

I’m responding without reading the replies sorry. I don’t think of myself as great at friendship 😞 I rarely initiate anything and if I do it’s probably because my kids wanted it! I’m not entirely sure why that is. When I left school, I didn’t have a car or easy access to public transport so I think in some ways I just missed that developmental stage where you ask people to do stuff and you have the freedom to just do it. Now I do, but I suck at logistics and by the time I manage my families needs I don’t have much left.

That said, if you need to go to hospital and you want someone to babysit I’ll drop everything and be there. If you are going through a tough time and want to talk I’ll listen. I probably won’t have great advice but I’ll empathise.

If you want a discussion about ideas I’m your person 🙂 you won’t get rid of me. 
 

I will probably think about your tough stuff a lot but only occasionally message or send a card because I’ve spent three hours trying to figure out whether doing that will help or not. 
 

I will miss cues where you mention things like… I really wish I had someone to go to xyz with me. I mayn’t invite you to my house as much as I want to because I’m embarrassed when it’s not clean. 
 

I will be loyal. I will probably defend you to other people even beyond the point where I should have realised you’re using me or behaving badly. I will try to think the best of you until it’s almost impossible not to.

Even when I enjoy your company too much of it will leave me exhausted. 

[Ausmumof3]

23 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

no I am a terrible friend. the absolute worst kind

 I do things like 

- wash your dishes without asking  if I see your sink overflowing  - from this board I have learned that this is inappropriate

- hang out your clothes or help hang out if you're in the process , without asking- from this board I have learned this is the absolute end of a friendship on the spot

- bring extra veggies over if I have too many in the garden - apparently this makes people feel terrible that they don't garden or that they have to then use veggies

- if asked what I have been up to then tell what I have been up to - Apparently this really upset my SIL - she felt very inadequate afterwards

- I never ever go out to cafes or drink  or anything along those lines and I most probably would never ring 

seeing my attempts of friendships have gone so very wrong I have decided it is easier to just live under my own rock and mind my own business and not be bothered with friends.

Wish you lived round the corner 😞 

[Melissa in Australia]

29 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It is a shame we live six hours apart.

that day we both hung out in the city and bought expensive chocolate was one of the nicest friend things I have ever done

[Rosie_0801]

5 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

that day we both hung out in the city and bought expensive chocolate was one of the nicest friend things I have ever done

Gosh. That was a long time ago, wasn't it? Give me a yell if you're ever in the city on a Friday. I'm down there most weeks for an evening engagement, but could come down early. (Though not this month, we're road tripping for dd's 16th.)

*googling expensive chocolate in Melbourne 2023*

[DawnM]

To my closest and dearest friends, I am fiercely loyal and a great friend.   I mean, sure, I mess up and say something dumb every now and then, but "my people" get it and just apologize and move on.   

I used to have a large group of "second tier" friends.....the kind that aren't your best or closest friends, but they are fun to do things with when you are bored, or they are physically convenient to hang out with.   That was more when I was homeschooling and very lonely.   

 

[Carrie12345]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Gosh. That was a long time ago, wasn't it? Give me a yell if you're ever in the city on a Friday. I'm down there most weeks for an evening engagement, but could come down early. (Though not this month, we're road tripping for dd's 16th.)

*googling expensive chocolate in Melbourne 2023*

16th?!?! No. Not possible.

[Rosie_0801]

49 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

16th?!?! No. Not possible.

Learner's permit and everything 😱

[Indigo Blue]

6 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

no I am a terrible friend. the absolute worst kind

 I do things like 

- wash your dishes without asking  if I see your sink overflowing  - from this board I have learned that this is inappropriate

- hang out your clothes or help hang out if you're in the process , without asking- from this board I have learned this is the absolute end of a friendship on the spot

- bring extra veggies over if I have too many in the garden - apparently this makes people feel terrible that they don't garden or that they have to then use veggies

- if asked what I have been up to then tell what I have been up to - Apparently this really upset my SIL - she felt very inadequate afterwards

- I never ever go out to cafes or drink  or anything along those lines and I most probably would never ring 

seeing my attempts of friendships have gone so very wrong I have decided it is easier to just live under my own rock and mind my own business and not be bothered with friends.

I’ve been perplexed, too, about these things. I am the type of person who would come scrub your dirty tub if you broke your ankle, then feel like it was ME that had, again, done something horribly egregious when you showed how  mortified you are that I had done that. And things like this is why I would be constantly worried about doing the “wrong” thing. 
 

ETA: A small example. A long time ago, I poured an entire box of 88 cent pasta into a pot of boiling water at a friend’s house. We were feeding four plus two children. Friend realized I had used the whole box and was pretty angry at me! They had to be very frugal with their money. (We were all young with toddlers). But I just assumed we needed the whole box. That little thing made me feel so awful and full of shame at that time. Now, I look back and think she overreacted. Most people wouldn’t let that bother them. But I felt like I had done something akin to scorching and ruining a LeCruset pan. 🙁
 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Indigo Blue

[73349]

I'm a great friend to my BFF but don't do enough to keep up with others. (This may be related to executive function challenges, in that I don't think of things that aren't right in front of me, and right now I don't naturally cross paths with any friends.)

[Indigo Blue]

It’s very complicated for me. I want friends. But I’m introverted. And I’ve been hurt. A lot. Not just little things. Big things. But I am/would be a good friend if the right person could just understand some faults and flaws. I am loyal. A good listener. But would be bad at initiating. But would do anything for you. Most people take advantage of me because of my personality. I’m finally learning that I need to be more protective of myself. Tougher. 
 

So it’s a complicated battle within myself, but I do have some qualities that make a good friend. I think I could be a good friend to a patient, easy going, non judgmental person whose been through similar experiences. Probably “mainstream” people would just see me as boring and quirky. Someone to be ignored. 
 

But, yes, I do have qualities that would make a good friend. It’s just that no one sees that. Everyone is too busy partying, talking about themselves, judging others….

So I do have good friend qualities, BUT it’s really hard for me to use them because it’s just safer and more comfortable to stay in introvert mode where I don’t have to second guess everything I do.

Having said all that, I am actually pretty content and happy, so…….

 

ETA my post seems so negative. Yuck. These are just the deep, honest thoughts that are way down in there. I am much better on the surface, lol, and I CAN be a good friend. It just doesn’t come as easily or as naturally as for others. I think my strong point is loyalty. I don’t betray people with whom I’ve built up a mutual and strong respect and trust.

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Indigo Blue

[SanDiegoMom]

I am not a good friend for people who love celebrating things, love gift giving, want appropriate sympathy when things go horribly wrong (sometime I realize they want hugs and comfort and I can be way too analytical and not expressive enough). I am a good friend for someone who values loyalty and predicability, and who doesn’t like to go out at night,  or in crowds! So my friend pool is very small. 
 

I used to have various friends that I hung out with- ones that had a lot of drama and enjoyed telling me all about their fantastic or dreadful (depending on the day) lives. I enjoyed it too, even though I rarely believed much of it.  I knew those friendships were not based on shared values, but on proximity. 
 

My husband loves people. Hw is sought out constantly by everyone and he brings warmth and energy and fun. He loves celebrating things, gift giving, and surprises.  We are very different!  

[Indigo Blue]

Just saw this and it seemed a bit relevant. Yes, I’m Kim. Penn is my husband. I mean, not literally, lol. You know, my husband is like Penn. 😆

[wintermom]

59 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Just saw this and it seemed a bit relevant. Yes, I’m Kim. Penn is my husband. I mean, not literally, lol. You know, my husband is like Penn. 😆

I'm a man. I guess I should just admit it. I do not need (or usually want) to dive deep into my friends' personal lives. Let's go somewhere, do something fun, then carry on with life. 

I guess I could also be a dog.... probably a golden retriever or border collie. 😅

Edited April 3, 2023 by wintermom

[Lady Florida.]

17 hours ago, Clarita said:

I am a very good friend to a select few close friends. I'm good at being there for these people both practical ways and listening emotional ways. The reality is I can only be this for about 5 people. Everyone else is in the wider group of friends.

There's a wider group of people that I would still call my friends that I have zero expectations for. We hang out when we hang out. Some of those people I'll initiate stuff with but some in that group I don't. Some of them belong in within bigger groups of friends so we have built-in hangout planning. I'm horrible at remembering birthdays, kids birthdays, holidays, etc. If that disappoints people they shouldn't be my friend and I'm OK with that (I've got plenty). 

 

 

This is me except for the bolded. 

 

7 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

I used to have a large group of "second tier" friends.....the kind that aren't your best or closest friends, but they are fun to do things with when you are bored, or they are physically convenient to hang out with.   That was more when I was homeschooling and very lonely.   

 

 

This. There was a larger group of people I would say I was friendly with but not good friends with when ds was homeschooling. The four friends I'm closest with now though came from those homeschooling days when we all just clicked from the start. Two of them I've known for almost 20 years. The other two joined our hs group later but have still been friends for more than 10 years.

 

[Indigo Blue]

10 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I'm a man. I guess I should just admit it. I do not need (or usually want) to dive deep into my friends' personal lives. Let's go somewhere, do something fun, then carry on with life. 

I guess I could also be a dog.... probably a golden retriever or border collie. 😅

There’s nothing wrong with any of that!

[Scarlett]

In high school I was friends with a guy called C.  C was friends with my now XH L.  C got sooooo tired of L just dismissing any deep or serious talk…..spoiler alert L did the same thing in our marriage…..never wanted to have any kind of intellectual or emotional conversation. 
 

I had not thought of that in years.  

[Not_a_Number]

4 hours ago, wintermom said:

I'm a man. I guess I should just admit it. I do not need (or usually want) to dive deep into my friends' personal lives. Let's go somewhere, do something fun, then carry on with life. 

I guess I could also be a dog.... probably a golden retriever or border collie. 😅

I think DH and I are both women by this definition 😛 . We like knowing other people intimately. (We also have almost identical tastes in people.) 

[Guest]

@SKL, I love your list of traits in the OP. I think, if I knew you IRL, I would like to have you as a friend. 
 

For myself: I am a very good friend to anyone who makes it into that category (as in, for real and not just a surface friend). I am fiercely loyal. I am not judgmental. I have no artifice whatsoever; what you see is what you get. I have a sunny outlook. I am not needy. I am open to trying new things and an experience must be extraordinarily awful for me to have a bad time or complain. I am enthusiastically happy for people to have a spot of good luck, a wonderful windfall, kids who succeed, an awesome job offer, etc. I am not materialistic and don’t care what kind of car you drive or where you get your hair done. 
 

Things that have made me not fit in with some people: I hate show-offs. I don’t like people who can’t talk about anything but their kids. I do not like any form of manipulation or artifice; don’t try to snow me about anything because I will see right through that and we’ll be done. I don’t abide Negative Nellies that well. I am slow to feel close to someone and am spooked by new “friends” who gush about everything that has happened since they were 7. I don’t like when people try to barge into my life or Speed-Date me. I don’t abide people who think they have the One True Way (on any topic), be it their Way of Eating, their religion, their politics…whatever.