Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 would you take that as a statement about their relationship? DH is furious I referred to him that way today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I mean, yes, I would assume that it was Kid's Dad and not My Husband who-is-also-Kid's-Dad. It's what you say when you aren't together, but y'all aren't together, so not sure why he's mad. 24 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 (edited) Yes. It says, 'we're not together' to me, and that's the way I use it. 'X, my kids' Dad'. If him being my child's parent isn't relevant, I just say 'my ex'. Furious is an inappropriate reaction to express. Your words, your choice. Edited October 14, 2022 by Melissa Louise 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 That's a hell of a strange thing to be furious about. The child in question is his and isn't a secret you've just blabbed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 11 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said: would you take that as a statement about their relationship? DH is furious I referred to him that way today. I can see why he's upset. I'd try to pay attention to the feeling there and not about the specifics. Obviously, he feels insecure. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I think it depends on context. When my kids are in activities, addressing my husband as kid’s dad would make the other parents wonder if I am either the step mom or we are divorced. If I say kid’s dad at the doctor’s office or the dentist, it is just letting the doctor or dentist know he is the dad in case they want to discuss followups needed and isn’t sure if he is my brother or my spouse (since I am always the one doing the doctor/dentist checkins). 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 The time to get sad is when one is referred to as "Kid's Mother/Father/Parent," with no diminutives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Not_a_Number said: I can see why he's upset. I'd try to pay attention to the feeling there and not about the specifics. Obviously, he feels insecure. He can feel what he feels, but it's still not ok to express the fury to you. He needs to go journal that out or something. It's awfully controlling to express fury at your use of a common phrase that means, this is my children's father, we are not together, which merely reflects a fact of your lives currently. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Melissa Louise said: He can feel what he feels, but it's still not ok to express the fury to you. He needs to go journal that out or something. It's awfully controlling to express fury at your use of a common phrase that means, this is my children's father, we are not together, which merely reflects a fact of your lives currently. It's been my experience that expressing one's feelings to the other person is useful, as long as you aren't trying to use the feeling as a justification to control someone else. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Not_a_Number said: It's been my experience that expressing one's feelings to the other person is useful, as long as you aren't trying to use the feeling as a justification to control someone else. Nope, not in this case. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Melissa Louise said: Nope, not in this case. In this case, it seems like it WAS being used to try to control the other person 🤷♀️. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: It's been my experience that expressing one's feelings to the other person is useful, as long as you aren't trying to use the feeling as a justification to control someone else. Expressing as in calmly and privately telling me? That would be fine. But I wouldn’t describe that as furious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Baseballandhockey said: Expressing as in calmly and privately telling me? That would be fine. But I wouldn’t describe that as furious. No, I've actually been finding that being forthright is really useful, even when it's not calm. I can't manage calm forthrightness a lot of the time. Was he furious in the "don't say that again!" way? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 6 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: No, I've actually been finding that being forthright is really useful, even when it's not calm. I can't manage calm forthrightness a lot of the time. Was he furious in the "don't say that again!" way? He was furious in the yelling at me in a parking lot full of my kids’ classmates and their parents way. 1 3 41 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Just now, Baseballandhockey said: He was furious in the yelling at me in a parking lot full of my kids’ classmates and their parents way. I wouldn't like that, either! But what was he actually SAYING? Did he want something, or was he hurt, or what? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 3 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said: He was furious in the yelling at me in a parking lot full of my kids’ classmates and their parents way. This is a good way to ensure he is always 'my kids' Dad'. I'm sorry; that is stressful. 17 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I actually have a different perspective because this is wording I consider and vacillate between and my kids’ dad and I are very much married and together. I have times when I feel like I should say he’s kid in question’s dad rather than my husband, otherwise I feel like it might be taken that he’s my husband, but not the kid’s dad. I think that might be because I have grown kids and little kids? I think it would be easy for someone to think there was more than one father involved, so I always want to make sure they know he’s also their dad, not just my spouse. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Would he prefer this is my ex husband who is going to get mad however I introduce him? It was fine. Some are never going to be pleased. There are much worse ways you could have introduced him. 9 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I think for me, I'd feel really upset about this because this interchange embarrassed me in front of other people. I think I'd probably tell that to him to get that out. But then I'd try to figure out what it was he was reacting to. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 My husband would probably be a little put off if I referred to him simply as my kid's dad, but then I don't get the impression you would be referring to DH as my loving husband... Also my husband would not yell at me in front of everyone about this simple exchange even if he were unhappy about it. He would probably talk to me later about it and we can discuss what he would like to be introduced as; therefore he gets to be introduced as "my dear loving husband and soulmate". I'm being a bit sarcastic I just introduce him as my husband. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 20 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: I think for me, I'd feel really upset about this because this interchange embarrassed me in front of other people. I think I'd probably tell that to him to get that out. But then I'd try to figure out what it was he was reacting to. She introduced him as her kid’s dad. He completely flipped his lid and made a huge screaming fight in front of his kids’ friends and their parents. He was scary, and his actions may impact the relationships and opportunities her kids have. He was abusive and manipulative doing that and making it out like it’s @Baseballandhockey’s fault for not phrasing things the way he wants 100% of the time. He’s an asshole. This isn’t the first time he’s made a scene like this. I don’t care what he’s reacting to. I would be done and try to limit how much he can see my kids. 33 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 24 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: I think for me, I'd feel really upset about this because this interchange embarrassed me in front of other people. I think I'd probably tell that to him to get that out. But then I'd try to figure out what it was he was reacting to. Trying to figure out the motivation of someone this delicate can easily become a type of self-abuse, because they are fragile and could react to anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Exactly how does he expect to be introduced then? Y'all aren't together. Actually, scratch that. Don't introduce him. He can introduce himself. 31 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: I think for me, I'd feel really upset about this because this interchange embarrassed me in front of other people. I think I'd probably tell that to him to get that out. But then I'd try to figure out what it was he was reacting to. He's reacting to the fact that they are split up and he's perpetually pissed off at his soon-to-be-ex-wife. 21 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 9 minutes ago, Terabith said: She introduced him as her kid’s dad. He completely flipped his lid and made a huge screaming fight in front of his kids’ friends and their parents. He was scary, and his actions may impact the relationships and opportunities her kids have. He was abusive and manipulative doing that and making it out like it’s @Baseballandhockey’s fault for not phrasing things the way he wants 100% of the time. He’s an asshole. This isn’t the first time he’s made a scene like this. I don’t care what he’s reacting to. I would be done and try to limit how much he can see my kids. Well, that's a reasonable response, yes. You can decide you're done with this person and will now try to limit the damage. That's valid. But if there's still supposed to be any kind of relationship, then yes, I'd try to figure out where the other person was coming from. People aren't rational. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, MissLemon said: He's reacting to the fact that they are split up and he's perpetually pissed off at his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Is "soon-to-be-ex-wife" definite or does he have hopes of reconciling? I don't know the whole story here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 This has been ongoing. I think you missed it during your board break. Not sure if she wants to rehash it or not. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said: would you take that as a statement about their relationship? yes, but what is says varies by the audience. lots of divorced/never married parents - Maybe you're still with their dad, or maybe you have a civil enough relationship with an ex that he came with you. lots of long-term married people - they'd assume your husband was your kids dad. Myself, and friends with very large gaps between youngest and next youngest - have often had to correct people who assumed this was a 2nd (or later) marriage or relationship and that the kids didn't all have the same dad. And I was just at a very large birthday party for two of my brother's grandkids (their birthdays are a week apart.) by his first ex-wife . . . - that was fun trying to explain relationships . . . his 2nd ex-wife was there too. (he was not.) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 You are not paid enough for all this. 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I'm sorry this happened to you. He has no right to behave that way. I've heard many introduce that way, whether married or apart. The fact is that you are not together. I'm also confident that you were completely calm in introducing him as "Kid's Dad" and the only one who turned this into a big, loud, ugly thing was him. If any of the people who saw it happen are willing to tell your lawyer about his crazy rage in the parking lot, it may help your case. 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 It sounds like he really really hates that his actions have real life consequences. He doesn’t want a hint of a perceived public slight for himself but he’s oK making a dramatic, embarrassing scene? All he did was cement his Baby Daddy status. I hope you take separate cars from now on and you can just get in yours and leave him there ranting at the air. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I am sorry. That is not a fair or reasonable response. Trust and relationships are built and earned, not given on demand. The lack of self awareness is pretty alarming. You aren’t responsible for his feelings about something so small or his way out of proportion response. 4 hours ago, Not_a_Number said: Is "soon-to-be-ex-wife" definite or does he have hopes of reconciling? I don't know the whole story here. I can imagine if someone is going to scream at you in public places creating problems not only for OP But for the young teens involved, you aren’t helping to foster an environment where that can happen. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 4 hours ago, Harriet Vane said: I'm sorry this happened to you. He has no right to behave that way. I've heard many introduce that way, whether married or apart. The fact is that you are not together. I'm also confident that you were completely calm in introducing him as "Kid's Dad" and the only one who turned this into a big, loud, ugly thing was him. If any of the people who saw it happen are willing to tell your lawyer about his crazy rage in the parking lot, it may help your case. School security came over. It’s not the first time. I may ask my lawyer about that. The people I said the comment to were supposed to take my kid to an out of state event tomorrow. That’s the other thing he was ranting about. I am worried that they’re going to back out. I am pretty sure I would in their shoes. So, I need to figure out what to do if they do back out. 28 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 hugs 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 6 hours ago, Not_a_Number said: Is "soon-to-be-ex-wife" definite or does he have hopes of reconciling? I don't know the whole story here. He has hopes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 To me that would mean he doesn’t have a relationship with you anymore, but is still the kid’s parent: the fact that he’s angry would imply he’s not happy about the situation. The fact that he’s so openly angry in a public way and uncontrolled makes me hope you’re safe 😞 I know I’ve missed bits of your story though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hshibley Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said: School security came over. It’s not the first time. I may ask my lawyer about that. The people I said the comment to were supposed to take my kid to an out of state event tomorrow. That’s the other thing he was ranting about. I am worried that they’re going to back out. I am pretty sure I would in their shoes. So, I need to figure out what to do if they do back out. I hope you talk to your lawyer and you are able to have your custody agreement augmented to prevent him from attending school/sporting events. His behavior is way out of line. Hopefully your son didn’t have to witness this out burst. Your right this is going to eventually impact your son’s social connections. Other parents will judge. If I was just looking in from the outside I wouldn’t want my kid around your dh if our kids were friends. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 7 hours ago, KSera said: I actually have a different perspective because this is wording I consider and vacillate between and my kids’ dad and I are very much married and together. I have times when I feel like I should say he’s kid in question’s dad rather than my husband, otherwise I feel like it might be taken that he’s my husband, but not the kid’s dad. I think that might be because I have grown kids and little kids? I think it would be easy for someone to think there was more than one father involved, so I always want to make sure they know he’s also their dad, not just my spouse. I have to deal with this exact issue today. I am calling a woman I have never met to RSVP that Spencer will be attending her son's birthday party. DH will be accompanying him. So I could tell her "Spencer will be coming with his dad" which sounds like we are divorced and his dad has custody that weekend. Or I could tell her "Spencer will be coming with my husband" which sounds like he is Spencer's stepfather. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Wait, what did he perceive as the best way to introduce him? Did he want you to say this is “Name.” Or this is “name, x’s father” or this is my ex spouse? I would take it as a reference to the relationship but since you aren’t together I’m not sure what you did “wrong”?? my guess is he wanted no doubt that you were once together lest someone think he was a one night stand?? But I overthink so… just ask him to clarify. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 1 minute ago, heartlikealion said: Wait, what did he perceive as the best way to introduce him? Did he want you to say this is “Name.” Or this is “name, x’s father” or this is my ex spouse? I would take it as a reference to the relationship but since you aren’t together I’m not sure what you did “wrong”?? my guess is he wanted no doubt that you were once together lest someone think he was a one night stand?? But I overthink so… just ask him to clarify. He wants me to introduce him as “my husband”. Which he technically is. Of course he is also technically my children’s father. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, wendyroo said: I have to deal with this exact issue today. I am calling a woman I have never met to RSVP that Spencer will be attending her son's birthday party. DH will be accompanying him. So I could tell her "Spencer will be coming with his dad" which sounds like we are divorced and his dad has custody that weekend. Or I could tell her "Spencer will be coming with my husband" which sounds like he is Spencer's stepfather. I’d say “Dad” in place of “his dad” if it sounds better. Although that could sound like your dad. She gave you a number. I might just text lol “Spencer + Dad will be there.” And she can assume whatever she wants. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said: He wants me to introduce him as “my husband”. Which he technically is. Of course he is also technically my children’s father. This is a pending divorce? I thought this was an ex spouse. I thought you had court orders and all (maybe just temp orders?). Yeah it’s awkward. That happened to me at my mom’s funeral. Divorce was pending. Someone said who’s this and we just said husband. Ugh it was easier. I can see both ways. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Depends on the context. I am Johnny's mom and this is his dad would not give me reason to think they are not together, at least not at work where I deal with students and parents. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I’m pretty sure I’ve introduced DH as a kid’s dad when referring to the child. So, at a child’s sports meet or birthday or introducing him to a neighbor who’d previously only talked to me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemsondana Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I'm in a long term marriage, and I know that I've referred to my husband both ways, depending on context. If he walked up while I was talking to a new couple at church, I'd introduce him as my husband. If I was introducing him to one of kids' friends, I'd say he was 'Kid's dad'. If I'm talking about him doing something, I use what fits with what the job and relationship in question. If a doctor asked if somebody could accompany me to an appointment to drive me home, I'd say that my husband would. If somebody asked about supervision, chaperoning, or driving of kids, I'd say that their dad was doing it. I know that last year there was a situation where I met somebody as 'kid's dad' and assumed that the parents were together by the context, but later the dad had a medical crisis and the mom posted about 'kid's dad' being in the hospital and in that situation it was obvious that they were not together because in that context it wouldn't make any sense. My assumptions don't matter much either way in the context of a kid activity - I wouldn't be taken aback if somebody asked 'Are you picking up the kid or will their dad?', although people who know us better will ask 'Are you picking up the kid or is Fred?', making the relationship irrelevant. Either way, in the unlikely case that he was bothered I could see my husband asking me to do something different, but yelling in the parking lot over this, or over anything, enough to require security to check is a problem. In my circles, people wouldn't care whether the person in question was my husband or the kids' dad, but they would be hesitant to allow their kids around somebody with a temper like that. 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 (edited) I am so @Baseballandhockey. This has nothing to do with proper introductions and everything to do with his emotional and mental state……which I think we can agree is unstable and dangerous. He is going to end up with a restraining order and not even be able to see his kids or be at their events. Definitely call your attorney and get his advice. Edited October 14, 2022 by Scarlett 16 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleowl Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Even if you had called him "my sperm donor" or "that $@&#& I'm technically still married to," it would not be okay for him to react the way he did. You know that. Talk to your attorney. 20 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Yes, calling a man your “kids father” does say something about your relationship. But that in no way justifies any of this. Did the other parents hear all of this? What was he mad about the out of town trip? Did your son hear it? You should talk to your lawyer about getting witness statements (including from the school security). I’m so so sorry. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 I have introduced by dh in that way. It really just depends on the context. As in, what is it most important for the audience to know, his relationship with me or with our dc? In that scenario, another family taking my dc somewhere, I would think it would be most important to know that he was the father as that is more relevant to any situation that might arise during the time the dc spends with that family. But as others have said, that does not matter in this case. No matter how you introduced him, the reaction is WAY inappropriate. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 8 hours ago, Not_a_Number said: I think for me, I'd feel really upset about this because this interchange embarrassed me in front of other people. I think I'd probably tell that to him to get that out. But then I'd try to figure out what it was he was reacting to. Yes to the part I bolded. OP, I might just say moving forward I would not be doing the introductions lol. Then if he says something I don't like, it's my choice to correct/explain the titles or ignore. But mostly I'd just refuse to be at these events with him if at all practical. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 ((big giant hugs)) My dh and I have certainly referred to each other that way in a variety of circumstances. Nobody gets mad. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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