Tell me what has changed with weddings in the past 20 years.

[WildflowerMom]

Ds is getting married in February!   His fiancé and her parents are not close and she and ds came to me for help.  😱  dh and I were going over our own wedding and it occurred to us things have probably changed a lot.  So please bring me up to speed!  What’s changed?  Is there still a rehearsal dinner?  Still a grooms cake?  Do bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their own clothes?  What’s current???   Thanks! 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Ds is getting married in February!   His fiancé and her parents are not close and she and ds came to me for help.  😱  dh and I were going over our own wedding and it occurred to us things have probably changed a lot.  So please bring me up to speed!  What’s changed?  Is there still a rehearsal dinner?  Still a grooms cake?  Do bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their own clothes?  What’s current???   Thanks! 

One thing I have noticed is that most of the rules are no longer hard and fast.  Which is a good thing I think.  They can do as they please based upon their budget and the relationships they have with various family.  Of course normal standards of kindness apply.  
 

And what I hear over and over is that the more simple it is the better.  It should be a joyful, happy memorable day for the bride and groom.  Not stress filled day.  

[gstharr]

The actual exchanging of vow seems to be small with only family and closest friends.  The reception is large. 

[Beth S]

Mainly weddings now (IMO) are extremely expensive. 
I would highly suggest you explain up front what your contribution is (either amount, or which part), so that they can begin with realistic expectations.
Social media can provide photos of lots of high-end weddings, which can drive up the budget very quickly.

I do think each wedding is unique, based on the bride & groom's priorities, extended family, and friends.
Our kids have gone to weddings with 10-12 bridesmaids!
The bridesmaids usually pay for their own wedding clothes, but sometimes there can be flexibility on color/style--- both for convenience & individual expression.  My dd frequently buys gently used (yes, her wedding dress had been worn previously).

It's a steep learning curve, but the Hive can help!

Congratulations to your son & his future wife!

[Farrar]

I agree with Scarlett. The weddings that I've attended or known about in the last several years have basically been all over the place. I don't think there are as many rules now at all. You can be traditional or incredibly outside the box creative. Expensive, big, destination, etc. or incredibly intimate and small and inexpensive with little touches for others to participate.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Farrar

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I agree with Scarlett. The weddings that I've attended or known about in the last several years have basically been all over the place. I don't think there are as many rules now at all. You can be traditional or incredibly outside the box creative. Expensive, big, destination, etc. or incredibly intimate and small and inexpensive with little touches for others to participate.

My incredibly wealthy best friend could have thrown a blow out event for her son’s wedding……instead the bride and groom chose to get married on my friend’s property with sister of the bride and one groomsman to stand up with them…..and a couple of cute toddlers from the family. The  guest list was very very small.  Just immediate family.  (Some of that was Covid driven but a dream come true for two introverts exchanging vows.) 

[KungFuPanda]

I say do it now during this everything goes pandemic wedding climate!  It’s the Wild West right now. You can do anything you want! It should have always been that way, or maybe these Gen Zers are more evolved, but it’s kind of awesome. 
 

I say set a budget, customize the event specifically to the couple, and let the guests like it or lump it. As long as they’re fed and invited they should be gracious. Brides today do not feel remotely obligated to look up 100-year-old checklists and try to make all that stuff happen. If the couple has never even HEARD of a groom’s cake then their wedding doesn’t require one. 
 

I know a couple of musicians who just had a mini music festival for their wedding and their guests loved it. The bride wore pink. It was memorable and the guests had a great time. 

[Carrie12345]

No rules.
That was already my rule nearly 22 years ago, lol.  
If there actually is a rule, it’s that the couple should do whatever they want and the families can offer whatever they’d like (which can be accepted or declined.) The end.

But destination weddings are still controversial!

[catz]

I agree that there really aren't hard and fast rules!  Our wedding over 20 years ago no was actually pretty non-conventional in a lot of ways.  My kids are the youngest on one side with 9 grandkids so I have seen how some weddings go down lately.  I think it is good to just set your budget up front and hold to that and let the couple do a lot of the planning and compromising.  I've seen it get ugly when it turns into a bunch of nickel and diming the whole way with a lot of cooks in the ktichen.  I do think simpler and understated is more common in the weddings I'm seeing lately.  

If there is a piece of the wedding that is important to you, you can ask to pay and help plan that specifically.  Like my mom had a friend who was a florist and she was very involved with flowers but not super involved with anything else.  And we paid for most of our own wedding. And the couple may decline, which is fine too.  I think this is when a lot of families are learning to walk new boundaries with their future in law and kid, especially if the bride and groom are on the younger side.  

I do think some young couples benefit from gentle guidence on being good hosts if they are throwing a real event if they are open to to it "If you invite Aunt Barb, we probably need to invite Uncle Bob" "Setting a dress code that doesn't fit into the natural wardrobes of your guest list maybe isn't the best.  I know Grandma isn't going to be able to dress Harry Potter themed." "Cousin Jim probably can't afford to be part of the wedding party right now, maybe we could cover his tux", possible shower/registry etiquette, etc.  

[Mothersweets]

I've had three of my daughters get married in the past year and each one did something different. 

First daughter had a fairly traditional wedding in my backyard. It went well but was fairly stressful for me (of course!) and the day before it took place the groom came to me and said, " If I would have known how much work this was all going to be, we would have just eloped."  I had to count to ten before answering him. 😑

Second daughter had a courthouse ceremony with friends and family attending. The judge said some really nice words before the vows, we took pics of everyone together afterward, the bride and groom left for their honeymoon after that, and the rest of us all went out for dinner. BEST WEDDING EVER!! I highly recommend doing this. 

Third daughter had a traditional wedding at a 'specifically for weddings' venue. Groom is an only child and his mom really wanted a big do so his folks paid for a good chunk of it.  It was lovely.

So overall, I think people can do what ever they want nowadays. 🙂 

 

[wintermom]

Where do you mean? Geographic location means a whole lot. Economic, religious and cultural background also means a whole lot. 

And Covid is also 'alive and well' and still a big issue for a lot of people in many places. This alters public gatherings emensely.

[Elizabeth86]

I'll tell you what hasn't change! Eloping! Do it! Save your money for a nice trip and money saved for a home (or whatever kind of goals) (sorry I personally hate weddings and all the money wasted)

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I'll tell you what hasn't change! Eloping! Do it! Save your money for a nice trip and money saved for a home (or whatever kind of goals) (sorry I personally hate weddings and all the money wasted)

Twinsies! But we’re in the minority, I think!

Following this thread with interest, as DSS and DIL are planning their reception/another wedding for next spring. They did a courthouse wedding in fall 2021(beautiful), got married again in Vegas (fun!), and now are planning a big reception with possibly another ceremony locally. I have no idea what to expect or how to help with preparations or contributions at this point. 

[Harriet Vane]

Some things that went really well at my dd's wedding a year ago:

--FLOWERS: We did the flowers ourselves. I was scared to death, but it was less than half the cost and it ended up being sooooooo easy! And fun, too. Dd ordered from a wholesaler at a fraction of the cost. She met with a consultant free from the wholesaler to determine what to order. That consultant gave her "recipes" for the flower arrangements. The day before the wedding, the bridesmaids and moms put together the table vases and bouquets and such. It was fun and easy.

--BOARD GAMES: Dd and her husband do not like dancing. Several of us brought board games and yard games for all ages. Everyone had tons of fun. 

--COOKIE TABLE: Dd and her husband are not crazy about cake. Baked stuff costs a fortune to buy from a bakery! So dh and I made cookies, just a batch or two each week, and froze them as we went along. We used dry ice to transport them since the wedding was in another state. The groomsmen and dads assembled cookie bags the day before (bags ordered from Amazon). The cookie table was such a hit! And it cost less than half what it would have to work with a bakery. 

--PARENTS' PRAYER: Both families come from the same type of faith tradition. We even went to the same faith-based family camp over the years (though we did not go the same week so we did not meet before our kids connected). During the wedding ceremony, the parents were invited up to the front to pray over our kids. Microphones were turned off for this, so it was a private moment between the two sets of parents and dd and dsil. It was poignant and heartfelt and beautiful. 

[prairiewindmomma]

 A lot of the formality has dropped? I agree that in almost every circle, couples are just doing what they would like. Everything is a lot more personalized. 

Some of the common things I see in my current circle:

photo card wedding announcements, with a website given on which to respond---no formal invitation with reception card to return by mail

many fewer large full formal meal receptions--either they'll do a small reception afterwards, a buffet, a themed heavy "snack" style reception, or they'll elope

less formality in dress code, less formality in the ceremony, and fewer traditions

 

 

[Ellie]

3 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Ds is getting married in February!   His fiancé and her parents are not close and she and ds came to me for help.  😱  dh and I were going over our own wedding and it occurred to us things have probably changed a lot.  So please bring me up to speed!  What’s changed?  Is there still a rehearsal dinner?  Still a grooms cake?  Do bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their own clothes?  What’s current???   Thanks! 

What has changed, IMHO, is making the rehearsal dinner into something much more than it was intended to be. Historically, it was just a light meal following the rehearsal, served only to the people who were actually *in* the wedding, e.g., bride and groom, officiant, bridesmaides/groomsmen. It was never intended to be a big, formal meal for everyone including Aunt Alberta who was just planning to drop in for the wedding and then go home. 🙂 So, sandwiches and iced tea, for the wedding party, are just fine.

I see no reason that bridesmaids/groomsmen shouldn't pay for their own clothes. Goodness. How could a young couple just starting out in life pay for such a thing? Their parents shouldn't pay for it, either. Of course, the bride could tell her bridesmaids to get a nice dress, in a specific color range, that they might actually wear again; IOW, they don't all have to be dressed alike. There's no need for a formal, sit-down dinner after the wedding, either. That (and the big rehearsal dinner) is the biggest change I have seen since my own wedding elebenty-hundred years ago. 🙂

My favorite wedding planning resource is "MIss Manners on Weddings," by Judith Martin.

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Ds is getting married in February!   His fiancé and her parents are not close and she and ds came to me for help.  😱  dh and I were going over our own wedding and it occurred to us things have probably changed a lot.  So please bring me up to speed!  What’s changed?  Is there still a rehearsal dinner?  Still a grooms cake?  Do bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their own clothes?  What’s current???   Thanks! 

We had a rehearsal dinner, bridesmaid and groomsmen got their own stuff but I didn't give a particular dress just a power point with the colors/color scheme I wanted and a few guidelines (I sent the same power point to cake maker and florist). Otherwise think about what your family needs/wants. I think no rules is fine and dandy but couples also don't want to offend relatives over something so silly as oh they expected champagne at some point and we just didn't think of it.

Think about things like is Aunt May going to think weird thoughts if the dress isn't white, is Uncle Bob going to be disappointed if there's no alcohol or dinner, etc. Is there a particular person or type of person to officiate? Put your feelers out to your family and family friends that you may invite to the wedding to see if there are any of these things. A casual talk about planning a wedding may bring some things up (pet peeves, things they like, etc.)

People on this board might say oh dinner isn't necessary, or you don't need a florist or a photographer or whatever but for my wedding my mom would be livid and say "I raised you better than that" if I did not provide dinner for my guests. I need a florist, a day of coordinator and a photographer because of the level of interactions I was expected to provide my guest. My in-laws family would be suspicious over a non-white dress, and certain members would be unhappy with a female officiant. In-laws would be  greatly disappointed if there was no alcohol. 

If her parents are still going to be at the wedding despite their relationship I would still ask her to ask for their expectations for the event. You don't have to meet the expectations of everyone, but personally I think some accommodations are worth it to avoid drama.

Be very clear about how much and whether you are willing to contribute.  Help them set a budget. Start with a this is how much money is in the bank so there's your absolute max. Then, see what are greatly desirable things make the phone calls see the cost. Go from there.

 

[Guest]

Things that have changed (at least, where I live in the MidAtlantic region of US): 

* Far fewer couples marry at a church and then go somewhere else for a reception. Really only with the most religious couples have I seen it. Much more common now to have everything happen in the same location. Barns/farms/parks/beautiful yards are all popular. 
 

* Wedding websites and much less emphasis on paper invitations. My dd did not want a “shower”. We only had an “engagement party” instead. No gift registry. 
 

* Fewer couples have a traditional cake and other deserts are popular. My dd had cupcakes and donuts for her wedding last year. Neither was specifically meant for weddings. We brought our own dessert tiers and platters to hold them. 
 

* Many modern couples don’t like and no longer do some of the old traditions like tossing a bouquet and garter, etc. I haven’t seen an apron dance in ages, thank the gods; I never liked those. 
 

* Destinations or semi-destination (2-3 hours away) are much more common now. I think it is a good way to avoid problematic family situations. Drunk Uncle Bob is not going to drive three hours away and rent a room, so it side-steps some potential problems. 
 

* My dd did not like any of the old optics of “giving away” the bride. Both parents walked her down the aisle; both parents walked the groom as well. We agreed to support the union. 
 

* Officiants may not be religious people. Bride and groom might already be technically married so a bestie can officiate. 
 

*We did flowers the same way Harriet Vane said upthread; dd had “recipes” and wholesale flowers. There was a glitch and not all the flowers came, but we subbed in some Trader Joe’s roses and the womenfolk made bouquets at midnight. It was a big flex but it was a special memory and I’m strangely happy we did that. 
 

Good luck to your ds! 

[prairiewindmomma]

8 minutes ago, Clarita said:

We had a rehearsal dinner, bridesmaid and groomsmen got their own stuff but I didn't give a particular dress just a power point with the colors/color scheme I wanted and a few guidelines (I sent the same power point to cake maker and florist). Otherwise think about what your family needs/wants. I think no rules is fine and dandy but couples also don't want to offend relatives over something so silly as oh they expected champagne at some point and we just didn't think of it.

Think about things like is Aunt May going to think weird thoughts if the dress isn't white, is Uncle Bob going to be disappointed if there's no alcohol or dinner, etc. Is there a particular person or type of person to officiate? Put your feelers out to your family and family friends that you may invite to the wedding to see if there are any of these things. A casual talk about planning a wedding may bring some things up (pet peeves, things they like, etc.)

People on this board might say oh dinner isn't necessary, or you don't need a florist or a photographer or whatever but for my wedding my mom would be livid and say "I raised you better than that" if I did not provide dinner for my guests. I need a florist, a day of coordinator and a photographer because of the level of interactions I was expected to provide my guest. My in-laws family would be suspicious over a non-white dress, and certain members would be unhappy with a female officiant. In-laws would be  greatly disappointed if there was no alcohol. 

If her parents are still going to be at the wedding despite their relationship I would still ask her to ask for their expectations for the event. You don't have to meet the expectations of everyone, but personally I think some accommodations are worth it to avoid drama.

Be very clear about how much and whether you are willing to contribute.  Help them set a budget. Start with a this is how much money is in the bank so there's your absolute max. Then, see what are greatly desirable things make the phone calls see the cost. Go from there.

 

You're right, part of this is very cultural.  I think part of the balancing act that I'm seeing now is that a lot of couples are refusing to spend $40-80k in order to have the full meal + bar for guests if a large wedding of families, culturally, isn't in the mix. A full wedding (American culture) 20 years ago was in the $15-30k category, and the family member who have gone all out in the last few years with a couple hundred wedding guests have definitely been north of $50k with their weddings.

 

[Grace Hopper]

It’s not so much the last twenty years that have seen changes, but the last few post-covid.

I’ll join the chorus of #budgetfirst. That’ll help determine whether it’s cake and punch in the church hall or fancy soirée. Honestly, having had kids do it both ways, the afternoon tea reception was much more economical, less stressful and gave the newlyweds a better timetable for getting out of the event at a reasonable hour (and the hosts time to cleanup before the wee hours).

And, #guestlistsecond

Knowing both how much $ you have to work with and how many people you minimally really want to invite (like if your extended families are large or small, kwim) really help determine the scale of your shindig. 

These days I don’t think it’s so much who pays for what as it is figuring out what each party involved can contribute and working from there. I would strongly advise against the bride and groom going about a reasonable budget by putting excesses on their credit cards. Deep debt is a bad way to start a marriage. 

As for traditions - I think it’s anything goes. What remains important is that you respect that you’ve asked guests to witness your event and you should provide proper refreshments according to what they are giving up that time of day (ie, don’t serve just cake and punch if your wedding is at 6pm dinner time). 

[lmrich]

Chiming in to say - weddings seem much more personal now. But that can make it hard  - so many options. I would suggest that the bride and groom sit down with you guys and really talk about what they want and throw out all these ideas - from eloping to court house with an intimate reception, church wedding, venue wedding, etc.. I think if they can really sit and plan it all out, it would be a good barometer for their marriage, too. 

[catz]

29 minutes ago, Ellie said:

What has changed, IMHO, is making the rehearsal dinner into something much more than it was intended to be.

Well we had a larger rehearsal dinner, but we paid for it and were excited to get an extra chance to catch up with out of town relatives.  If that doesn't work for your budget or sensibilities, that is absolutely fine of course.  It can also be order pizza event in someone's backyard or a park.  Or doesn't need to happen at all.  But having a larger event doesn't make it wrong either.  Some groom's parents still want to embrace that event and host it.  I do think covid has put a damper on stuff like this locally because here many of people are thinking about how to have a single safe event for a day,  But I agree there are no rules in this regard either.  

I do think it is a bit obnoxious when the bride and groom have specific clothing requirements and event requirements that are going to go into the hundreds of dollars to participate in someone's wedding when there are young people invovled that may be in school, have sudent loans, establishing a career, etc.   I think you should keep in mind the specific situations of the people you are asking and let them know it's ok if it doesn't work for them.  

Not offending or annoying anyone on your guest list is a good way to drive yourself bananas.  I had a female officiant in a UU church and both our families are Catholic.  I had an ivory dress, I look terrible in white.  I just can't imagine expending much energy worrying about those types of offenses.  Asking too much financially, I would worry about (come to my black tie event in this spot far away, but bring food because it's a potluck and here's my registry info with only high end items promient on the invite).  Someone not liking the specifics of an event?  Meh, whatever.  I can't imagine trying to keep everyone totally happy.  People can decline if they don't want to attend because they aren't getting a meal or can't get a glass of wine.  I do think letting people know exactly what to expect clearly is important.  

[WildflowerMom]

Ok, I’ve been reading here and online and my head is spinning.  She’s the youngest of many so it’s hard to keep the guest list too small, ykwim?  Ds is an only and honestly I never thought I’d be helping with a wedding.  But the family dynamics are different in this case, so we’ll see. 

Her family offered to pay for the venue.  I’m not sure what that means and we need to get that squared away.  Does that mean they’ll give a certain amount and we can put any extra toward food, for example? Or do we tell them the cost and they pay exactly that?? I’m not sure. 

Tonight I’ll emphasize getting a set answer regarding the venue coverage from ddil’s family.  Also, I need to emphasize to them that they *can* venture out of the traditional wedding style.  They seem set on traditional, but I don’t know if they realize they have the freedom to do what they want, as long as the budget allows.  

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, Mothersweets said:

I've had three of my daughters get married in the past year and each one did something different. 

First daughter had a fairly traditional wedding in my backyard. It went well but was fairly stressful for me (of course!) and the day before it took place the groom came to me and said, " If I would have known how much work this was all going to be, we would have just eloped."  I had to count to ten before answering him. 😑

Second daughter had a courthouse ceremony with friends and family attending. The judge said some really nice words before the vows, we took pics of everyone together afterward, the bride and groom left for their honeymoon after that, and the rest of us all went out for dinner. BEST WEDDING EVER!! I highly recommend doing this. 

Third daughter had a traditional wedding at a 'specifically for weddings' venue. Groom is an only child and his mom really wanted a big do so his folks paid for a good chunk of it.  It was lovely.

So overall, I think people can do what ever they want nowadays. 🙂 

 

Oh my goodness three in one year? You deserve a medal! 

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

Twinsies! But we’re in the minority, I think!

Following this thread with interest, as DSS and DIL are planning their reception/another wedding for next spring. They did a courthouse wedding in fall 2021(beautiful), got married again in Vegas (fun!), and now are planning a big reception with possibly another ceremony locally. I have no idea what to expect or how to help with preparations or contributions at this point. 

I am also all for elopement. JMO but I think that this is a far superior choice over going into debt or doing a destination wedding. I know many people choose destination weddings but I have personal bad experience with elitism of this choice (ie the expectation to participate $$$ as well as who gets left out, like sweet grandma who isn’t well enough to travel or whose travel assistance needs cause the bride or groom’s parent to have to focus on that instead of the wedding).

1 hour ago, Ellie said:

What has changed, IMHO, is making the rehearsal dinner into something much more than it was intended to be. Historically, it was just a light meal following the rehearsal, served only to the people who were actually *in* the wedding, e.g., bride and groom, officiant, bridesmaides/groomsmen. It was never intended to be a big, formal meal for everyone including Aunt Alberta who was just planning to drop in for the wedding and then go home. 🙂 So, sandwiches and iced tea, for the wedding party, are just fine.

I see no reason that bridesmaids/groomsmen shouldn't pay for their own clothes. Goodness. How could a young couple just starting out in life pay for such a thing? Their parents shouldn't pay for it, either. Of course, the bride could tell her bridesmaids to get a nice dress, in a specific color range, that they might actually wear again; IOW, they don't all have to be dressed alike. There's no need for a formal, sit-down dinner after the wedding, either. That (and the big rehearsal dinner) is the biggest change I have seen since my own wedding elebenty-hundred years ago. 🙂

My favorite wedding planning resource is "MIss Manners on Weddings," by Judith Martin.

Our kids actually requested a lovely rehearsal dinner, because it gave them time to have slower-paced interactions with their closest friends and relatives before the larger guest list and order of events that would occur the next day. They said that was their favorite part. Perhaps it’s geographical, because I actually grew up with the tradition of somewhat formal rehearsal dinners. It was only when we briefly lived in a different part of the country that I experienced super casual blue jeans and pizza rehearsal dinners. But again, OP, I  think we’ve entered the age of do what you want (as long as you are still polite about it!). 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[wintermom]

Here is my experience of 'traditional' Christian weddings:

Formal invitations, wedding service held in a church, reception afterwards. Here's where 'traditional' varies in my experience:

- alcohol or not, dancing or not, type of music or no music, time of day, number of hours (some venues have multiple time slots in a day and you have 3 hours to get it all done and then another reception happens

- the food and cake could be pretty much anything

But with Covid still a thing, all of this has changed. About the only constant is the invitation and the church in some cases. And the guest lists seem to be pretty small. Some people still can't fly due to vaccine mandates. Outdoor venues seem to be really popular now; marquee rentals and using outdoor settings for receptions is really popular in the weddings I've heard about lately. 

I'd look into what has happened in your area re: Covid. What businesses are still around and have staff; book the venue quickly because some people have put off weddings during Covid and there could be a surge in demand.

[Brittany1116]

I agree rehearsal dinners have evolved greatly in the age of social media. We did go to an elaborate one 15ish years ago, and it rivaled the wedding dinner celebration, BUT it was destination, the families were very wealthy, and there were like 5 pre-ceremony celebrations that weekend. 

[Grace Hopper]

20 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Ok, I’ve been reading here and online and my head is spinning.  She’s the youngest of many so it’s hard to keep the guest list too small, ykwim?  Ds is an only and honestly I never thought I’d be helping with a wedding.  But the family dynamics are different in this case, so we’ll see. 

Her family offered to pay for the venue.  I’m not sure what that means and we need to get that squared away.  Does that mean they’ll give a certain amount and we can put any extra toward food, for example? Or do we tell them the cost and they pay exactly that?? I’m not sure. 

Tonight I’ll emphasize getting a set answer regarding the venue coverage from ddil’s family.  Also, I need to emphasize to them that they *can* venture out of the traditional wedding style.  They seem set on traditional, but I don’t know if they realize they have the freedom to do what they want, as long as the budget allows.  

If there’s a way to do so diplomatically, it would probably be helpful to get a specific dollar amount from them. ETA specific amount they plan to contribute to the wedding aside from their personal clothing/travel.  
 

Absent of that, you need to know if they’re just going to pay the building rental, or if they mean all the services provided by a venue - rentals of tables, chairs, linens, event staff, any of the food and beverage - see why a specific $ amount is more helpful for planning? Because venue prices vary dramatically and the rest above rent could be spent on other items/services. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I haven’t seen an apron dance in ages, thank the gods; I never liked those. 
 

 

What is an apron dance?

 

[QueenCat]

43 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Our kids actually requested a lovely rehearsal dinner, because it gave them time to have slower-paced interactions with their closest friends and relatives before the larger guest list and order of events that would occur the next day. They said that was their favorite part. Perhaps it’s geographical, because I actually grew up with the tradition of somewhat formal rehearsal dinners. It was only when we briefly lived in a different part of the country that I experienced super casual blue jeans and pizza rehearsal dinners. But again, OP, I  think we’ve entered the age of do what you want (as long as you are still polite about it!). 

Same here. It was rare to see a rehearsal dinner that didn't include out-of-town guests as well. It's still the norm in the weddings we get invited to.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

What is an apron dance?

 

It was a tradition where someone, maybe Maid of Honor, would put an apron on and guests (usually men) could “pay” for one last dance with the bride. So they would throw a couple dollars in the apron and get twenty seconds or something of dancing before the next guy would “pay” for a turn. It was generally viewed as honeymoon funds but it’s pretty distasteful to women of my daughter’s generation. 

[Guest]

Re: they pay for venue: I would *highly recommend* you clarify what they are thinking, because there are a couple things they may mean and it could be quite offensive if you do something they don’t expect. 
 

For example, suppose they think that means, “We really want it to be a beautiful setting, like a golf course, so we are willing to pay $12,000 for venue.” But you hear a $12K quote, decide that’s way too much, book the firehall instead and use the $12k for food and decorations instead. 
 

It’s really important to find out what they mean by that so there are not big offenses taken. 

[Harriet Vane]

I realized reading others' posts that the huuuuge change is the new website expectation. It was wonderfully helpful for both dd and for our sweet niece who married a week before dd. The website had all the logistics, of course, but also photos and some simple stories about how they got together and the like. 

Also, MY invitations almost thirty years ago were the fancy, engraved, expensive type. Dd's invitations, on the other hand were printed at home on cards she ordered from Amazon. Very pretty and so much cheaper and easier. 

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, catz said:

I do think it is a bit obnoxious when the bride and groom have specific clothing requirements and event requirements that are going to go into the hundreds of dollars to participate in someone's wedding when there are young people invovled that may be in school, have sudent loans, establishing a career, etc.

I think telling the guests what to wear is high on the "How rude is that?!" list. The bride only tells herself how to dress (she doesn't even get to tell the mothers how to dress. They can wear whatevertheheck they want, for goodness' sake.), and the bridesmaids (and she doesn't have to be all up in their business about that, either. The guests? She should be happy that they took time out of their lives to come, rather than try to dictate what they should wear.

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Harriet Vane said:

I realized reading others' posts that the huuuuge change is the new website expectation. It was wonderfully helpful for both dd and for our sweet niece who married a week before dd. The website had all the logistics, of course, but also photos and some simple stories about how they got together and the like. 

Also, MY invitations almost thirty years ago were the fancy, engraved, expensive type. Dd's invitations, on the other hand were printed at home on cards she ordered from Amazon. Very pretty and so much cheaper and easier. 

Oh, I remember flipping through those chunky books of sample invitations three decades ago!

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Her family offered to pay for the venue.  I’m not sure what that means and we need to get that squared away.  Does that mean they’ll give a certain amount and we can put any extra toward food, for example? Or do we tell them the cost and they pay exactly that?? I’m not sure. 

Speak in dollars first, then address where they'd like the funds to go to or what they would like the event look like (fanciness level). Venue is a broad term and some venues will provide food and everything others is just a piece of grass. 

9 hours ago, Mothersweets said:

First daughter had a fairly traditional wedding in my backyard. It went well but was fairly stressful for me (of course!) and the day before it took place the groom came to me and said, " If I would have known how much work this was all going to be, we would have just eloped."  I had to count to ten before answering him. 😑

I had a backyard wedding. I think backyard weddings are the hardest to plan. So much logistics. Anyone mentions backyard wedding to me and I go have you thought of a venue. Many venues can look like a backyard wedding without being an actual backyard wedding. Just so you know if you start paying for all the things that go into a backyard wedding it's pretty similar or more expensive than a venue wedding. I hope they compensated you handsomely for all your work.

[lynn]

In the past decade all weddings I have a been to are outside most are rustic barn weddings themes

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

I had a backyard wedding. I think backyard weddings are the hardest to plan. So much logistics. Anyone mentions backyard wedding to me and I go have you thought of a venue

Totally agree with this…when we were first planning dd’s wedding, dh was like, “Why aren’t we doing it on our property?” I’m all, “Absolutely not!”  There’s just an enormous amount of logistics to figure out and you have to rent everything that exists, from chairs to serving dishes to sounds systems, tent, dance floor… They can be beautiful for sure; my niece’s wedding on the parent’s farm with a historic brick farmhouse was stunningly lovely. But…no. Not how I would want to do it. 

[Amethyst]

Most wedding invitations I've gotten recently come with the couple's own website. It usually has details about hotel, directions, link to registry, and "our story". 

Also, toasts. Ugh. They have gotten to be soooooooo long. They're not toasts anymore. They're speeches. They're awful. Remember a brother or friend getting up and giving a one or two minute toast? No more. Best Man gives a speech, Maid of Honor gives a speech. They are boring and/or cringe. I have never once enjoyed one. I detest them. So, yes, that has changed a lot.

[Harriet Vane]

39 minutes ago, lynn said:

In the past decade all weddings I have a been to are outside most are rustic barn weddings themes

My daughter had her wedding at a rustic barn. She's not into "country" themes, so we went with lots of greenery and lots of elegance (gold and crystal and tulle with ferns and such). It was really beautiful.

[JennW in SoCal]

I'm an extremely busy musician this spring, playing in string quartets for 1 to 3 weddings/week. I can't offer any insight into receptions as I'm only part of the ceremony and sometimes "cocktail hour". Mind you, anyone who can afford a string quartet for an hour or 2 is paying for a very fancy wedding, so while I'm seeing what the expensive weddings look like, I'm sure aspects are universal. 

There are very few traditional ceremonies, though by law certain vows have to be spoken (Do you take X to be your lawfully wedded spouse is, I believe, the required bit). Here in California, anyone can get a license to perform a marriage, so I've only seen a few actual clergy. Most couples want to write their own vows, too. I've loved that a few officiants ask that the ceremony be cell phone free, offering one or two photo ops, but otherwise asking guests to be focused on the ceremony and not posting on social media.

There is no bride's side or groom's side in the seating, no grooms escorting guests to their seats. People can sit wherever they like.

There are no rules as to who is marching in to music. Sometimes the parents come down the aisle, sometimes they are just already sitting when the ceremony starts. Sometimes the music is the same for the parents and attendants, sometimes there is a special song for the parents. Generally groomsmen escort the bridesmaids down the aisle. Some grooms want to come down the aisle to their own tune. The sweetest was the groom and his dog to the tune of Queen's "You're My Best Friend", the most questionable was the groom coming in to the "Game of Thrones" theme song, pumping his fists in the air as he went down the aisle. Ummmm, dude....everyone dies in Game of Thrones!

Oh, and in the last 2 weeks there have been 2 weddings with what I call "flower dudes", grown men who come in just before the bride to scatter rose petals in the aisle, on guests, in the air.... One dude had pinned flowers in hair! 

As to music. Anything goes. Anything. We played gaming music and movie music a few weeks back, everything from Avengers to Zelda, with "Concerning Hobbits" from Lord of the Rings as the attendants and flower dude came down the aisle. Lots of brides pick very detailed lists of tunes for the prelude (the half hour before the ceremony) music she will never hear and most guests ignore. It's background music to set a mood. Pick a genre and let the DJ, friend, or musicians pick the tunes. As to the ceremony music, well, nobody wants the traditional "Here Comes the Bride", instead wanting a pop tune of choice. The tricky part to that is letting the guests know it is time to stand for the bride's entrance. The officiant can help with that. And nobody wants the old traditional recessional music. Anything fun and upbeat is the go to. 

Music tip: Consider how long a walk it is to the ceremony site/alter. Sometimes the bride is down the aisle before the song really gets going. Other times she has a major hike and the tune has to be repeated over and over and over!! Or there are a bazillion pokey attendants and the tune is over before they are all in. If you have live musicians, have someone cue them as to when to start the music!

"Cocktail hour" is what it sounds like, an hour where the wedding party and family pose for photographs while the guests chat, eating hor d'oeuvres and drinking wine or whatever. That is definitely a part of a high-end wedding, and not every wedding gig I play includes cocktail hour, or doesn't include live musicians for that hour. 

Most of these weddings are at venues that exist solely for weddings with a picturesque spot for the ceremony and a nice tent for the dinner. A few have been backyard weddings.  Last week one was dockside and everyone sailed off for a sunset reception aboard a fancy catamaran.  And if your young couple likes the idea of live music for the ceremony, you aren't limited to a string quartet. You could have a trio, a duet, a soloist, a single harpist, an acoustic guitarist. 

And that's all I've got for you -- I'm generally driving home before the reception gets underway! 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by JennW in SoCal

[Grace Hopper]

Oh, the cell phone! Twenty years ago there was no such thing to worry about. 
 

Our wedding photographers stipulated a  camera free ceremony in order to capture the best shots without guests holding their phones out in the aisles, because this looks so foolish in the pictures and can actually wreck a shot. We posted a sign at the church entrance and printed on the program that pictures and videos were not permitted during the ceremony. Then at the reception, we posted signs with a hashtag so people could take reception photos and share them on social media with that hashtag. We felt that was a good compromise; whatever your bride and groom want to do is up to them, but it is definitely something to consider. 

[Scarlett]

16 hours ago, Ellie said:

I think telling the guests what to wear is high on the "How rude is that?!" list. The bride only tells herself how to dress (she doesn't even get to tell the mothers how to dress. They can wear whatevertheheck they want, for goodness' sake.), and the bridesmaids (and she doesn't have to be all up in their business about that, either. The guests? She should be happy that they took time out of their lives to come, rather than try to dictate what they should wear.

I agree with this! Some Brides can be so ridiculous. My niece lost a friend over friends wedding.  The bridesmaids dress was very low cut and my niece did not feel comfortable in it. When niece suggested a solution bride lost her mind.. 

[shawthorne44]

20 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

--FLOWERS: We did the flowers ourselves. I was scared to death, but it was less than half the cost and it ended up being sooooooo easy! And fun, too. Dd ordered from a wholesaler at a fraction of the cost. She met with a consultant free from the wholesaler to determine what to order. That consultant gave her "recipes" for the flower arrangements. The day before the wedding, the bridesmaids and moms put together the table vases and bouquets and such. It was fun and easy.

I completely second this.  A favorite of mine from our wedding.   Since I'm not artistic I was able to just order lots of nice flowers and minimal filler.   We had Tiger Lilies and White Roses.  They were shipped and arrived the Mon or Tues before the Tues wedding.  You cut the stems and put them in 5 gallon buckets of water.   I haunted Goodwills, etc before the wedding and bought flower vases cheap.    I got a bunch of really nice crystal vases just by buying the heavy ones and then running them through the dishwasher.  

I had several people tell me that I had taken them home that they'd never had flowers that lasted that long.   

The place I got them from was in CA and they were taxed out of business.  So, I can't recommend a particular place.  

--------------

Another idea that I considered.   A surprise wedding.   A parent throws an engagement party, those that really love the couple attend, and then 'surprise' a wedding happens.  A couple of close family might be in on the secret.   

-------------------

Another thing that is a lot more common now.   Internet minister.  DH and I had one argument about the wedding, and it was whose side a friend of ours would stand on.  I wanted my best friend and this friend.   DH wanted his brother and this friend.  We decided to put him in the middle and he married us.   It was special to all of us.  After the fact I realized how wonderful it was that we had no strangers at our wedding.  

[VickiMNE]

Our daughter married 3 years ago.  There are no hard-set rules any more. They paid for the wedding themselves (although both sets of parents gave cash gifts towards the wedding), dropping things that didn't matter to them (eg. no band/live music, no professional hair/makeup), keeping the things that did (really good food in a nice venue, outsourcing flowers, photographer).  Their wedding was smallish (40 people?) and made up of family and friends that were meaningful in their lives.  It was beautiful and totally fit them.

Because we were coming from three continents (not a destination wedding--just far flung families) and with some of us arriving a couple of days ahead of time, we had two "pre-wedding dinners", the first with just our two families, the second with broader families.  We hosted the first, the groom's family hosted the second.  Again, perhaps not the "done" thing, but it worked very well for our circumstances!

Congratulations to you all!

[SHP]

On 5/24/2022 at 12:52 PM, catz said:

Not offending or annoying anyone on your guest list is a good way to drive yourself bananas.  

This. They should do what they want and their desires should be be met with enthusiasm. I don't care if they want to wed naked in a moonlit forest in Alaska in January, it's their wedding. Anyone who opens their mouth to pass judgment should be told to shut it. 

 

[WildflowerMom]

22 minutes ago, SHP said:

This. They should do what they want and their desires should be be met with enthusiasm. I don't care if they want to wed naked in a moonlit forest in Alaska in January, it's their wedding. Anyone who opens their mouth to pass judgment should be told to shut it. 

 

Enthusiasm, not so much.  At least not on one side, unfortunately.  I’m trying to keep the peace right now.  I’m not sure how that will play out.   My wish would be that future dil and her family’s relationship would mend and they would be happy about everything and they could plan the wedding like mom and daughter are supposed to.   We’ll see what they say when she asks what ‘paying for the venue’ means.  🙇🏻‍♀️  I want them to have/do whatever they want within budget.  We’ll make it happen somehow.    I’ll be coming here for lots of help! 😆

[Grace Hopper]

23 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Enthusiasm, not so much.  At least not on one side, unfortunately.  I’m trying to keep the peace right now.  I’m not sure how that will play out.   My wish would be that future dil and her family’s relationship would mend and they would be happy about everything and they could plan the wedding like mom and daughter are supposed to.   We’ll see what they say when she asks what ‘paying for the venue’ means.  🙇🏻‍♀️  I want them to have/do whatever they want within budget.  We’ll make it happen somehow.    I’ll be coming here for lots of help! 😆

I hope this includes being 100% supportive of the couple if her parents get hard to deal with and the couple decides to escape the drama and elope. 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[WildflowerMom]

16 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

I hope this includes being 100% supportive of the couple if her parents get hard to deal with and the couple decides to escape the drama and elope. 

Oh gosh, I would jump up and down in joy!  I’d jump up and down in joy over a courthouse wedding, too, though.  I really could not care any less about weddings than I do right now, lol.   But this one—I’ll work my ass off to make sure it’s a nice wedding if it’s what they want.   🤷🏻‍♀️ 

[Annie G]

On 5/24/2022 at 4:30 PM, Ellie said:

. The guests? She should be happy that they took time out of their lives to come, rather than try to dictate what they should wear.

I want a happy medium. Lately we’ve been getting invites with a vague ‘wear what makes you feel your best’ and we’ve missed the mark all three times. We don’t know what the couple is planning! Just tell me how fancy it is before we’re the dorks who show up only to find dh is the ONLY one in a suit. And the next time he was literally the ONLY guy over 12 NOT in a suit.  I don’t wear dresses ever, so I’m used to sticking out at fancy events. But if you’re planning a casual wedding, just tell me. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

On 5/24/2022 at 10:30 AM, Mothersweets said:

I've had three of my daughters get married in the past year and each one did something different. 

First daughter had a fairly traditional wedding in my backyard. It went well but was fairly stressful for me (of course!) and the day before it took place the groom came to me and said, " If I would have known how much work this was all going to be, we would have just eloped."  I had to count to ten before answering him. 😑

Second daughter had a courthouse ceremony with friends and family attending. The judge said some really nice words before the vows, we took pics of everyone together afterward, the bride and groom left for their honeymoon after that, and the rest of us all went out for dinner. BEST WEDDING EVER!! I highly recommend doing this. 

Third daughter had a traditional wedding at a 'specifically for weddings' venue. Groom is an only child and his mom really wanted a big do so his folks paid for a good chunk of it.  It was lovely.

So overall, I think people can do what ever they want nowadays. 🙂 

 

I feel this so much. One daughter got married 8 months ago at a venue and had a larger wedding. Now we have another getting married in just over a week in our yard and that is so much more stressful for me even though it’s smaller because it’s here, in my space. Just a lot more work in general. 
Also, two days after I paid the final amount on tents and photographer etc dd said “I wish we would’ve just eloped” I could’ve cried. All the time and money and she wants to elope 😳

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e