What would you send to someone who is dying?

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My 44-year-old cousin was just diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer on Thursday. The prognosis is weeks to months.  She hasn’t been sick and this is a shock.  
She is a homebody who loves gardening, canning, reading, flower gardens, baking.  Her kids are 12 and 15, I believe.  I haven’t seen her in years, maybe since my wedding, but we keep up and chat regularly through Facebook and spent much of our childhood summers together.  I want to send something, but I have no idea what might be appropriate. It is really shocking and horrific, but I don’t feel like I have time to process before sending something.  Suggestions? I usually send  a chemo basket of comfort things to have and do during treatments, but the way my aunt is talking it sounds like she’s too advanced for treatment. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Kassia]

I don't have any ideas but just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.  You've had such a rough time and I feel horrible for you and, of course, your poor young cousin.  What a shock this must be for everyone.  😞  If it were me dying and I had kids still at home, I think I'd want something I could give to my kids - either to remember me by or some kind of keepsake or something.  That would be my biggest concern.  

Is she feeling sick now? I'm wondering if she's able to do things with her family now that they could enjoy together and make more memories before it's too late.  😞  

Again, I'm just so sorry about everything.  

[itsheresomewhere]

Would she enjoy having a family portrait down right now? That would probably mean a lot to her kids down the line.  Maybe send a gift card for a session or try reaching out on a local to her Facebook page that might have a great recommendation for a person.  

[Guest]

I would think the chemo basket would still be welcomed. The basket my friends put together for me when I went through breast cancer really touched my heart. Obviously, my prognosis was better than hers, but *I think* I would want people to still behave as though I’ve got another day to look at magazines and drink tea. It’s kind of funny but I liked the magazines a lot because it felt like they were willing to just take a risk and pick some magazines out, whether they knew I would like those or not. 
 

Im really sorry. It’s so sad. 

[alisoncooks]

If she loves baking, maybe she’d like to have some of her favorite recipes made into keepsake cookbooks or something for the kids? 

[happi duck]

Pancreatic cancer is horrible monster.

My sisters both appreciated cozy stuff so I agree with @Quill that the chemo basket still pertains, maybe think of it as a cozy basket.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

19 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

If she loves baking, maybe she’d like to have some of her favorite recipes made into keepsake cookbooks or something for the kids? 

This might be a good idea. I’m trying to strike a balance between here’s a book and crossword puzzles to do while you’re in bed fighting this-which I’m not sure would be appropriate-and something mournful that acknowledges the prognosis.  Like neither one really seems right to me, but I want to send something.

like I said, I haven’t actually seen her in at least ten years, but we’ve kept up on FB.  She loves Dorothy Sayers and Agatha Christie, as does her fifteen year old, and I considered a basket of books and cozy blankets and tea that she could share with her daughter and make some memories. 
the world certainly seems like a crappy place these days.

[Slache]

Gift cards to do things with the kids. Movies, restaraunts, things like that. Google things to do in her town for ideas like indoor skydiving, even if it's just her seeing the kids doing it. Family time is the priority right now.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm so very sorry.  How tragic! My husband' sister died of cancer 4 years ago when her kids were 12 and 16.  It's absolutely devastating.

Do you have a favorite memory from a time you spent with her at any point in your life?  Can you give a gift reminiscent of that memory and share it in writing in the card? 

[Spryte]

25 minutes ago, Slache said:

Gift cards to do things with the kids. Movies, restaraunts, things like that. Google things to do in her town for ideas like indoor skydiving, even if it's just her seeing the kids doing it. Family time is the priority right now.

I like that idea, plus if you’re feeling generous, offer to pay for housekeeping service to come in while they are at the activities. Anything that helps her spend time with the kids and not doing chores.

Also, Door Dash gift certificates, activities for kids to do solo when she needs to rest.

[Farrar]

I totally agree with anything that will create memories or preserve memories for the kids. 

[Melissa in Australia]

So sorry

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 hour ago, HS Mom in NC said:

I'm so very sorry.  How tragic! My husband' sister died of cancer 4 years ago when her kids were 12 and 16.  It's absolutely devastating.

Do you have a favorite memory from a time you spent with her at any point in your life?  Can you give a gift reminiscent of that memory and share it in writing in the card? 

This actually gave me a great idea. We went to DisneyWorld together as tweens/young teens(her parents took me; they frequented Disneyworld and took me along one blessed summer as my parents wouldn’t have been able to afford it) and she still loves Disney. I will be in Orlando the first part of this week; I could definitely get something Disney from the source. 

[fairfarmhand]

I'm so sorry. 

As to what to send her, do you have photos of the two of you as children? 

[DawnM]

So sorry.   I agree with something that will be a memory of your time with her to show her she is special to you.

[Melissa Louise]

My aunt was able to appreciate having cards read to her, with heartfelt thoughts about the relationship between her and the card sender. 

A lip balm was also appreciated, as her lips were uncomfortably dry. 

But really, the cards. Everything else was clutter. 

 

[Ottakee]

Are you at all close to her in distance?  If so, an in person visit might be great.  Even just phone calls.

My mother in law passed away from pancreatic cancer.  We started hospice the day after diagnosis and never regretted that decision at all.  She had a good and full, active life until just a week before she passed away.

You might contribute to something she could do with her family to make memories as well.  At this point, sorry to say, I would not be worried about covid at all because, pancreatic cancer is terminal in and of itself.  Would your aunt have ideas of things they might enjoy as a family?  An outing?  Restaurant?  

[barnwife]

First, I am so sorry. I can't come up with words to describe how monstrous pancreatic cancer is. Second, ditto pp. Anything that will helps her/her family make memories is good. So is anything to remind her of other times. Gift cards for Door Dash or similar are good, as they may not want to be spending the time they do have together cooking.

I will keep them in my prayers.

[Emba]

19 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

My aunt was able to appreciate having cards read to her, with heartfelt thoughts about the relationship between her and the card sender. 

A lip balm was also appreciated, as her lips were uncomfortably dry. 

But really, the cards. Everything else was clutter. 

 

I was going to suggest a heartfelt card as well. Do other stuff, sure, but don’t waste the opportunity to say all of those things you wanted to but never did.  I lost my mother-in-law to cancer a few months ago and one of the best things I did for me and for her was write her a letter before she died, telling her how much she meant to me and my family. People’s cards and letters in general meant a lot to her while she was sick.

[matrips]

I’m sorry.  Is she homebound?  Some lovely long lasting plants and flowers to surround her indoors might be nice.

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, matrips said:

  Some lovely long lasting plants and flowers to surround her indoors might be nice.

I'd be careful with flowers, though. I know a lot of people don't want them because of their association with funerals.

[lulalu]

Pay for family pictures. I had that done before my mom passed away, and it is still the most precious thing. 

[Spryte]

I keep thinking about this thread.

Mrs Tiggywinkle, I think you need to consider your needs, here, too. What do you need to say, do? If you can visit in person, would that be good? A zoom call? A letter or card talking about how much fun you had as kids?

In my 20s, I lost my closest friend. We had 8 mos from diagnosis till she passed, but only knew for sure it would be terminal for the last few months. Most of the things we did won’t work for you, from afar, but the main thing is not to just disappear. Reach out to her, and call and talk and laugh. Send some cards and things. Most of my friend’s other friends and colleagues just vanished, honestly. And that sucked. And honestly, after she was gone — they were the most broken up. At the time, my awesome therapist advised me that I’d be the one living with what I did or didn’t do, just like the disappearing friends would be. And she was right. It didn’t help the grief of losing her, but that wasn’t compounded by regret, either. So … do what feels right, and know that it will mean a lot to her!

[kristin0713]

I am so deeply sorry. The only thing I can think of in addition to the other ideas is the softest, most comfortable blanket and maybe pillow that you can find. Something to offer tangible, physical comfort. I do think that anything memorable that she can leave with the kids (collection of pictures) would be cherished and appreciated.

[matrips]

34 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I'd be careful with flowers, though. I know a lot of people don't want them because of their association with funerals.

True.  I was just thinking that her friends liked gardening and flowers, so was trying to bring a garden inside if she was homebound. 

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, matrips said:

True.  I was just thinking that her friends liked gardening and flowers, so was trying to bring a garden inside if she was homebound. 

Oh yes, it's a beautiful thought!  I hope I didn't imply that it wasn't.  Just wanted to share my experience.  

[BusyMom5]

A beautifully written letter about how she has been a part of your life.  Money for professional pictures.  

[happi duck]

When my second sister died of pancreatic cancer she was still being treated and the rehab place was shocked she wasn't coming back to them.  She went from rehab to a few hours to live in a blink. 

Even when she was being treated with no talk of hospice she would not have been able to take photos or go places comfortably.

Not getting hospice care made it an extra worse nightmare.

It's my sisters' experiences that was behind my suggestion of cozy things.  I still have the blanket my mom especially used.  Maybe a couple cozy Disney throws would be something she'd like and then her kids could have.

I'm not against the family photo or experience ideas but where she's at physically could make those things impossible.

 

[katilac]

I personally think that old photos and memories might be a bit too on the nose for a recent terminal diagnosis. 

4 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

This actually gave me a great idea. We went to DisneyWorld together as tweens/young teens(her parents took me; they frequented Disneyworld and took me along one blessed summer as my parents wouldn’t have been able to afford it) and she still loves Disney. I will be in Orlando the first part of this week; I could definitely get something Disney from the source. 

That is a great idea. 

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

  I think you need to consider your needs, here, too.  

I disagree. The only needs that need to considered right now are those of the person who just learned they are going to die. 

I of course agree that she should do her best to have no regrets, but her needs come a distant second. She may feel a need to talk about the past, her cousin may feel the opposite, and so on. 

[Garga]

7 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Would she enjoy having a family portrait down right now? That would probably mean a lot to her kids down the line.  Maybe send a gift card for a session or try reaching out on a local to her Facebook page that might have a great recommendation for a person.  

My 48-year-old friend found on on Thursday she has cancer. There’s a mass in her chest between her heart and lungs, pressing on her heart. There are nodules in her lungs and the lymph nodes under her arms are swollen. She gets a PET scan and biopsy on Tuesday to see exactly where the cancer is and what kind. Oncologist appointment on Friday. Whirlwind.

I’ve been friends with her since we were 6 and 7 years old, so for 42 years. I can’t imagine a world without her in it.  We have no idea what the prognosis could be at this point.

On Thursday upon hearing the dx, the first thing she wanted was family portraits (she has four children). Since photography is my hobby and I can pull off professional-looking pictures when I work hard at it, we made an appointment for a portrait session on Saturday (yesterday). By Tuesday she will not be up for pictures.

I second the idea of paying for them to get family portraits. Ask first, but make the offer. My friend that I’m talking about has portraits that were taken shortly before her father’s death and she treasures them. Since she treasures those pictures, she wanted her family to have a set of portraits of a sweet day when they were all together as a family, just in case the worst happens. She knows the value of beautiful pictures of loved ones who have passed. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Garga

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

I personally think that old photos and memories might be a bit too on the nose for a recent terminal diagnosis. 

That is a great idea. 

I disagree. The only needs that need to considered right now are those of the person who just learned they are going to die. 

I of course agree that she should do her best to have no regrets, but her needs come a distant second. She may feel a need to talk about the past, her cousin may feel the opposite, and so on. 

Oh goodness, yes. I just meant don’t disappear. Be there for her. Don’t be a vanishing friend.

I did *not* mean be an insensitive person forcing a conversation that a dying person doesn’t want. It’s a shame that my post gave that impression, that wasn’t my intention.

I was recounting a personal story, and didn’t want to get too personal, but what I “did” for my person wasn’t anything to do with my needs, in the sense of forcing conversations, more what I could live with after, in retrospect, and what I needed to do at the time because my friend needed it. Out of love. I miss her and love her to this day. I didn’t recount exactly what I did because it won’t work for OP. I was a primary caregiver. I did All The Things. Cleaning ports, going to the infusion center, changing clothes, living there, cleaning up bloody footprints out of carpet, so much more. And I fostered her son, after. I saw what it was like for her, to have all the many friends just disappear. 

The people who did nothing, couldn’t even make a call or stop by … I believe firmly that by not helping out — they hurt themselves as well as her.

But, yeh, OP can’t do those caregiving things. She can only do what she can from a distance, I think. Maybe not everyone would welcome a call or a letter, but its absence might be felt, and I would not think there’s any harm in reaching out. And OP will be living with what she did or didn’t do, for many years. For me, it’s a comfort to know that I did what I could.

It’s ok to disagree, and I may not be explaining well. I’ve recently lost my other closest friend from that time period, and my grief is still raw to think the two people I loved most back then are gone. I couldn’t be there for my recent friend, and it’s painful. So I may not be as articulate as I’d like.

[cjzimmer1]

A memory book.  Not memories of her but one that prompt her to record her memories.  prompts like Your favorite childhood summer or what did you like to do on snow days?  Just ideas that will jog her memory of stories she could share with her kids no and for them later when she is gone. My kids LOVE to hear stories from the various relatives so I think having some of their mom's stories recorded in her own words would be priceless to her kids. 

[katilac]

48 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Oh goodness, yes. I just meant don’t disappear. Be there for her. Don’t be a vanishing friend.

 

I can absolutely see where that's what you meant, but the statement about her needs was a bit isolated and I really wanted to address it. Because you would not believe the number of people who really do think their needs should be considered on par with those of the dying person. And you would think it would be isolated to those you already know are terrible or at least very selfish people, but ime it is not. 

I have seen the type of regret you talk about also, and how inlaid with guilt that kind of grief is, you are completely correct about that. 

[SHP]

10 hours ago, Spryte said:

I like that idea, plus if you’re feeling generous, offer to pay for housekeeping service to come in while they are at the activities. Anything that helps her spend time with the kids and not doing chores.

Also, Door Dash gift certificates, activities for kids to do solo when she needs to rest.

This and anything the dying person wants and given without judgement, even if it doesn't make sense. We gave a family member who was dying of cancer some DVD they asked for. They could have watched the movies online at any time and best I know, they never opened the DVD's and never watched them online. They were happy to get the DVD's and their happiness was what mattered.

[Soror]

I don't have any new ideas but wanted to add my (hugs) for your family. That is heartbreaking 😞

[SHP]

3 hours ago, Spryte said:

Oh goodness, yes. I just meant don’t disappear. Be there for her. Don’t be a vanishing friend.

I did *not* mean be an insensitive person forcing a conversation that a dying person doesn’t want. It’s a shame that my post gave that impression, that wasn’t my intention.

I was recounting a personal story, and didn’t want to get too personal, but what I “did” for my person wasn’t anything to do with my needs, in the sense of forcing conversations, more what I could live with after, in retrospect, and what I needed to do at the time because my friend needed it. Out of love. I miss her and love her to this day. I didn’t recount exactly what I did because it won’t work for OP. I was a primary caregiver. I did All The Things. Cleaning ports, going to the infusion center, changing clothes, living there, cleaning up bloody footprints out of carpet, so much more. And I fostered her son, after. I saw what it was like for her, to have all the many friends just disappear. 

The people who did nothing, couldn’t even make a call or stop by … I believe firmly that by not helping out — they hurt themselves as well as her.

But, yeh, OP can’t do those caregiving things. She can only do what she can from a distance, I think. Maybe not everyone would welcome a call or a letter, but its absence might be felt, and I would not think there’s any harm in reaching out. And OP will be living with what she did or didn’t do, for many years. For me, it’s a comfort to know that I did what I could.

It’s ok to disagree, and I may not be explaining well. I’ve recently lost my other closest friend from that time period, and my grief is still raw to think the two people I loved most back then are gone. I couldn’t be there for my recent friend, and it’s painful. So I may not be as articulate as I’d like.

HUGS Your advice is very similar to what our family therapist told us while we were going through it. The person who is dying will be gone, we have to live with our decisions regarding what we did and did not do. 

 

A wise friend (who was family to the point that, she was at the birth of our son) cared for her husband while he battled and survive brain cancer. She talked about how it was exhausting to be the full time care taker and then have to relive all that is happening when people would call her for updates. When she had terminal cancer she insisted that anyone doing any care taking took time for their own emotional well-being. It was a lesson that I, as a young parent still trying to do it all, needed. I do not regret leaving the hospice home and taking my son to the park for an hour and I know that as much as she wanted to spend every remaining minute with us, that doing so also made her happy because she knew I was honoring her request for self care.

[EmilyGF]

Maybe Hello Fresh, because it is practical, takes some pressure off the whole family, and fills a need. 

I know families who have had Hello Fresh subscriptions during family crises and even used it as a way to help their older kids learn some cooking skills they had previously neglected to teach. 

Emily

[TechWife]

When my friend was dying of cancer I sent her a letter telling her how much I loved her and gave some specific, though brief, examples of how she had touched my life in positive ways. She was an extraordinary woman. 

There was also a meal rotation for the family for several months leading up to her death and for several months after her death. If there is something like that for her, you could consider contacting the organizer and proving a grocery gift card to help toward the meals.

I am sorry to hear about your cousin. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I ended up getting her a snow globe from Disney.  She loves Disney, her family went there frequently when she was a child and it’s a memory we have together.

She has decided to try a couple rounds of chemo once her bile numbers go down. The cancer has metastisized, so I am not hopeful chemo would help, but she wants to try. So I am going to put together a chemo basket of comfort too. Thanks for all your suggestions! This board is the best. ❤️

[Kassia]

Sounds like a perfect gift.  ❤️