S/O of family dynamics: what about your own children

[Ginevra]

I grew up with dysfunctional dynamics similar to those being discussed: favorite child, black sheep, etc. However, my mother perceived/perceives herself as loving her children equally, and always said she had no favorite children. (Or grandchildren, though it has always been obvious she likes a couple grands more than the others, though she has never been lavish with any grands so...Im sure she doesnt think she favors certain ones.) 

Which brings me to my own family. I also claim not to have a favorite child or a black sheep. Its very annoying to me when outside people presume I do. People who do have these dynamics think everyone does, I have noticed. My boss says this: “Your daughter is your favorite child and your younger son is the black sheep.” This is not how I feel, and I adore different things about all my kids. I can see how it might be perceived that way, though, because I have done things with my daughter I havent done with my sons. My daughter enjoys many of the same things I enjoy, so we share those things, i.e., books, art, hiking and, the big one, France/European travel. 

The kids also say this favorite child thing, except each kid thinks a different one is the favorite. The oldest thinks the youngest is the favorite, because I am easiest on him and allow him much more. Both the boys think the daughter is the favorite, because of these things we share. I would travel to Europe with either of my sons, though, if they were interested (and if Covid wasnt making that unfeasible currently). 

So what do other parents here do? Do you resist the favorite child/black sheep thing? Incidentally, my daughter’s fiance was just talking about dynamics in his family and the things he said seem accurate to me, though I 100% think his mom would be shocked to hear it. He thinks one child is “invisible child” and another one is golden; this exactly matches what I believe as an outsider. But I am positive the parents dont think they do this dynamic and would probably say they love all their kids equally. 

 

[Carrie12345]

I have one who feels close to being an outsider, but so much of that has to do with him having two families and the freedom to make choices since he was ~13. I didn’t have the ability to put him in two places at once.

I can say with all certainty that I don’t have a favorite or least favorite, but it is a little joke in our house. If one kid does something like bring me a paper towel when I’ve spilled and yelled out to the whole house for help, I announce that they’re my favorite for the day. If someone volunteers to make brownies, they’re my favorite for the day. That gets extended to friends if they say or do something awesome; they get to be my favorite for the day. It isn’t taken seriously, though.

Everyone knows that “the baby” was the center of the universe for quite a few years, including to his siblings. But now he’s just a real human like everyone else. We’re all amazing, annoying, considerate, insensitive, super easy, and infuriatingly complex depending on the moment you catch us in.

I do think every one of my kids knows I’d cut my own heart out for them. They also know that I get super po’ed with each and every one of them!

I do carry some issues from my own childhood, so I’m sure that plays a role.

[Rosie_0801]

My dd is the scapegoat in her household. It's a very important role that keeps the family together.
Her stepsister has it worse, though. She has to witness it without explanation.

[teachermom2834]

Yes I have four and can honestly say I love them equally. They are all awesome and I’ve adored them even when they went through less awesome stages. As a mom, I just can’t see how there is one loved above the others. My heart is pretty maxed out on love for each of them and I can’t imagine how I could love one more than another.

However, it is undeniable that relationships are different. And some of my children are just easier than others. Some are more emotional or confrontational or reserved or whatever personality types lend themselves to different relationship dynamics. That part is undeniable.

I only have one left at home. I would lie if I said that each of the young adults would be equally easy to have move back in. They are all welcome and I’d do my best to make home a nice place for them. But some would be easier to have return home than others. It doesn’t mean I love them differently although it sure looks that way from the outside to some people.

The one that looks like the black sheep to the outside of the family is probably the one my children would call the favorite. I can admit to doing more, allowing more, spending more, to smooth things out with the one that seemed to always have more challenges. The one that looks like the favorite from the outside probably has had the least given to him because he is so darn resourceful on his own he just doesn’t need much. 
 

I had three boys close together then a five year gap and a little girl. Of course that relationship is going to look a lot different. She is different. She functions as an only. I’m older and changed from who I was fifteen years ago. Of course. 
 

So all that just to say it is complicated. Family dynamics are tricky and there are a lot of factors. But I definitely bristle at the idea that I have a favorite or black sheep. And honestly the kids can own some of this too. Some are just way easier than others and that part has to be acknowledged too.

 

[Hoggirl]

Easy answer for me! 

Schrödinger’s cat

If you have an only, he is simultaneously both the favorite and least favorite child. 

PS.  I am an only as well.  So, I really cannot relate to this.  My dh has one sister who has one daughter.  Mil has it so easy because this allows her to have her favorite son, daughter, son-in-law, daugher-in-law, granddaughter, and grandson. 

[HomeAgain]

My kids each think the other is the golden child. 😄 The oldest thinks I'm so much easier on the youngest and the youngest thinks that we let the older one do so much more at his age.  And they're both right and wrong.

I don't love them the same.  Each kid has their own individual needs and they're going through different stages.  I was nodding along to the My Child Is  A Pill thread because it is the stage of the 11yo right now, and getting more muchness every day.  The oldest, who remembers those hard years, remembers me coming down on him with almost zero-tolerance on some issues, but sees a more knowledgeable mom now deal with his brother.  I was doing everything for the first time and trying anything that worked. Oldest and I bonded over doing all sorts of things together that the youngest has no interest in, but he also had a clear path to independence by meeting specific goals, responsible behavior he could attach to freedoms.  He had a phone by age 12, rode his bike to other towns, and went on international trips without his parents.  The youngest and I are finding our own activities together, but he doesn't see a path to independence quite yet.  He's the kid that still needs constant reminders to pick up his mess instead of looking at me when he drops something, needs help tying skates, and refuses to wear a watch to make sure he's on time.  I can't leave him to his own responsibility until he demonstrates some. 

I am a better parent with the youngest, but I have a better relationship with the oldest.  And that will probably even out some as the youngest moves into adulthood.  And the two of them can bond over how "mean" I was to set strict parameters, lol, and then completely understand when they have kids. 😄 Or earlier.  My oldest spent the summer with his cousins and came back and thanked me for being strict when he was a tween.  He shook his head at how out of control he thought his cousins were, but I'd be willing to bet that when they're all adults it mostly doesn't matter for their behavior later. It did help my sanity in the moment, though.

[Kassia]

20 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Yes I have four and can honestly say I love them equally. They are all awesome and I’ve adored them even when they went through less awesome stages. As a mom, I just can’t see how there is one loved above the others. My heart is pretty maxed out on love for each of them and I can’t imagine how I could love one more than another.

However, it is undeniable that relationships are different. And some of my children are just easier than others. Some are more emotional or confrontational or reserved or whatever personality types lend themselves to different relationship dynamics. That part is undeniable.

I only have one left at home. I would lie if I said that each of the young adults would be equally easy to have move back in. They are all welcome and I’d do my best to make home a nice place for them. But some would be easier to have return home than others.
 

I had three boys close together then a five year gap and a little girl. Of course that relationship is going to look a lot different. She is different. She functions as an only. I’m older and changed from who I was fifteen years ago. Of course. 
 

So all that just to say it is complicated. Family dynamics are tricky and there are a lot of factors. But I definitely bristle at the idea that I have a favorite or black sheep. And honestly the kids can own some of this too. Some are just way easier than others and that part has to be acknowledged too.

 

You pretty much wrote out exactly what I was thinking except there's an 8 year gap between dd and her older brothers.  I tell mine that they are all my favorites - but for different reasons.  Some are really easy, others are more difficult, some have taken up enormous amounts of time and energy, while others didn't need or want as much.  But I love them all fiercely. 

I'm an only child and always worried about having a *favorite*  When my sons were little and DH traveled a lot, I played a kind of sick game in my head to make sure I didn't have a favorite.  I would ask myself what I would do in a fire if I could only get one kid out and I could never come up with an answer.  

I do think that one of my kids is the favorite of all the siblings, though.  They all have close relationships with each other, but that family member really is the heart of our family.  

 

[regentrude]

I love my children equally, but am feeling closer to DD than to DS. She is an extrovert and loves to chat every day, asks my opinion, shares details about her day; her personality is very similar to mine. DS is an introvert, does not initiate contact until there is a problem to be solved, and has a completely different personality than I do. If I tried to interact with him the way I interact with DD, it would drive him crazy.

I was always concerned about treating the kids fairly, and I counted it a major parenting win for symmetry when, during their early teen years, both children wrote me notes complaining that I "always" prefer their sibling 🙂

Edited August 31, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

With a blended family it is more difficult.  
 

My only birthed child was my only child for 10 years.  Naturally I have a stronger bond to him than to my stepsons who were 9 and 14 when they became my stepsons.  And the older stepson was successfully parentally alienated by his mother and stepfather within 1 Year of our marriage….so I have no bond with him really.  I mean he is back speaking to us, but it is not an easy relationship.  Younger step son and I get closer and closer though. 

[Indigo Blue]

For me, since my first day of being a mom, I have been hyper aware of this. I didn’t know back then what a golden child or a narc was. But because I grew up with such a stark and visible difference in how my parent related to us vs the golden child (even clearly noticeable as a young child), I was/am hyper motivated NOT to do this.

You can appreciate their differences and notice the character flaws that we all have without actively doing crazy, dysfunctional things to cause harm. I’m not a perfect mom, but I think I did a fair job of pulling them through their young years without doing to them what was done to me. My mom had a dysfunctional childhood herself.

Why are some people left so messed up that they emulate and some people left with insight enough to see through it all and do better? That’s another mystery to me.

 

[Wheres Toto]

No golden child here although oldest dd always jokes about her being my favorite.

My kids are all very different and at very different places.   My oldest is 27, we have an adult to adult relationship.  We exercise together, chat about everything, go on small vacations together but she hardly ever goes on family trips anymore between work and grad school.  She comes over for dinner and gets along okay with her siblings and adores my husband (her stepdad) but it's definitely a very different relationship.  There were years where it was just her and I so we got a little bit of a "you and me against the world" thing going on at times.   She tells me EVERYTHING and has since she was younger.   She will be the first to tell you that if she's in trouble, she calls her mom.  

My younger two are very different but both do come and talk to me when they are worried about something and I would say we have good relationships.  Not quite as share everything close like my oldest but we do chat about many different things, and I am the one they come to when they are upset or need to talk.  

Son is on the spectrum and youngest dd has adhd and anxiety.  Both are SUPER introverts (as am I) so we all like to be in our own spaces doing our own things.  

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

For me, since my first day of being a mom, I have been hyper aware of this. I didn’t know back then what a golden child or a narc was. But because I grew up with such a stark and visible difference in how my parent related to us vs the golden child (even clearly noticeable as a young child), I was/am hyper motivated NOT to do this.

You can appreciate their differences and notice the character flaws that we all have without actively doing crazy, dysfunctional things to cause harm. I’m not a perfect mom, but I think I did a fair job of pulling them through their young years without doing to them what was done to me. My mom had a dysfunctional childhood herself.

Why are some people left so messed up that they emulate and some people left with insight enough to see through it all and do better? That’s another mystery to me.

 

That does mystify me, too, when I look at my sibs. However…

One thing I see much more now that my kids are mostly adults is that how I objectively raised them is only part of the equation; there is also the kids’ perceptions of how I raised them. That’s a wild card that none of us controls.
 

My two YAs no longer think homeschooling is a great way to raise kids. And my daughter and I were just talking about the private school I sent them to for high school. She was like WHY did you send us there???! And then she told me how flawed certain things were, and I was thinking I sent them to such a *progressive* and *ecumenical* school, because, compared to the private school I attended, it was. 
 

Rambling now…my point is, one never knows what the kids perceive, even when we *think* we’re doing specific things for great reasons. 

[Katy]

No favorites.  Obviously in some phases relationships are easier and in others harder. If someone told me I must have a golden child and a black sheep I’d probably do a slow blink and say, “What a strange, toxic thing to say.  Most people aren’t narcissists.”

[Indigo Blue]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

That’s a wild card that none of us controls.

Absolutely true. They can and will have their own perception, but I know in my heart that they are both loved just for who they are, and that they never had to wonder if what was coming out of my mouth at any given point was a lie, exaggeration, or truth. I believe they felt unconditionally loved and never had to fall asleep, upset, wondering whether I liked them as a person. 

They weren’t in my shoes and didn’t experience what I did, so they don’t know what I know. So I’m sure they have their own perception based off their own experiences. But they do say they had a happy childhood and we all have good relationships with each other. That’s all I ever hoped for,  and I don’t want anything more. 
 

If they have a complaint or if I sense something is bothering them, I try to let them know they can tell me and we can talk about it, even if it might step on my toes. I was never allowed to do that.

[Farrar]

At the moment, I'm on much better terms with one kid than the other. Both are 17. 

My dancer is just always away. He's so busy. And now he's been struggling a bit figuring out what he wants to do. He's less sure he wants to dance than he was a year ago. He's a bit closed off. We just struggle to connect lately. He can be a really fixed thinker and that's been getting in the way of pretty much everything.

My other kid is much more tempestuous. He runs hot and cold on me a lot. But we've been a huge amount of time together during the pandemic. And then we took three college trips together in the last few months, just us. And he talks to me. Not about anything personal, of course - lol. But he talks to me a lot about what he's thinking about and organization and so forth. So I feel a lot closer to him at the moment.

I don't know how any of these dynamics will feel in the future. I can easily imagine that someone will feel slighted or like there was a better dynamic for one than the other. I'm just not sure.

[Indigo Blue]

29 minutes ago, Quill said:

She was like WHY did you send us there?

And, sometimes, you do what you think is best, and then you feel judged for it. Maybe judged isn’t the right word, though. But you made your decision as a parent. You have no way of knowing what their perception of that is, like you said. But, still, you didn’t intentionally harm them, and as they get older they might begin to see that. You just picked a school to send them to. You don’t have a crystal ball. 

[Bambam]

Both of my kids are loved equally by me, I think. They are different characters - and they need different things. One has more needs I can help with, and one has always been independent. I think we do have to treat our children differently because they are different and have different needs, different wants, different ways to interacting, etc.  Kids can accuse me of having a favorite, but that doesn't mean they are correct. 

I saw my parents struggle with this. One child needed financial help and the other two did not. So they elected to give the exact same amount to all children even though those of us who did not need it told them to save it for themselves. It's hard to figure out a way to treat your children all 'fairly'. 

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

And, sometimes, you do what you think is best, and then you feel judged for it. Maybe judged isn’t the right word, though. But you made your decision as a parent. You have no way of knowing what their perception of that is, like you said. But, still, you didn’t intentionally harm them, and as they get older they might begin to see that. You just picked a school to send them to. You don’t have a crystal ball. 

Yes and I explained a lot of those things. For example, she told me they did indeed present both evolution and creationism in science, (because they have to) but they “made evolution seem ridiculous”. I said sure, I can see that, but to me it was *something* that they mentioned evolution at all. At least they were free to investigate it. It’s much more than was offered to me. 
 

My dd asked why I didn’t send them to a secular private school. I said for one thing, the only ones around here cost three times what the Christian school did. 

So yes, sometimes they don’t know all the factors we considered or what we had to work with. 

[Farrar]

I have a good friend whose parents took the "what each child needs" mantra to an absurd level. She's close with her parents and her sibling, but when I hear about her childhood and especially about her adolescence, I'm always like, wait, wut? The two of them had totally different rules. Sibling couldn't do anything, couldn't mess up grades, had lots of injunctions. She had tons of freedom but also a lot of support. They sent them to different public schools - sibling to the super driven, competitive entry school, her to the weird experimental school. It was probably the right option? And obviously it worked out okay. But they now feel like they grew up in different households even though they're only a couple of years apart. 

[Excelsior! Academy]

My first thought is of course not!  I love all of my children equally and genuinely love them the same.  On the outside it likely does look like we have a black sheep.  We have one child in particular that has challenges from fas, early childhood trauma and rad. This child chooses scenarios that require a different level of supervision and necessary rules for safety. For those that don’t see behind closed doors, I’m sure it looks like we are tougher on said child, but the reality is we aren’t.  Child is fully aware that if x behavior happens then x consequence happens.  Often that means child misses out on opportunities if dh or I can’t accompany child. I’m sure on the outside it looks like child has considerably less freedom, but it isn’t the case.  I was able to see Nicholeen Peck speak at a homeschool convention and got her book A House United.  It was so good and has given us lots of strategies to help children who have those type of challenges, so at least we aren’t flying blind!

Edited August 31, 2021 by Excelsior! Academy
Wrote author's name incorrectly.

[Indigo Blue]

@bambam , the money thing is tricky. My younger needs a little bit more help than the older, who is more independent by nature anyway. I’m trying to be careful to find a balance there. Right now, younger is moving and is having a lot of expenses that are digging into his savings. It’s hard not to say, here, just let us get that for you. But we didn’t provide older with new appliances. (But, otoh, we didn’t need to). So what is fair?

I know someone who bought each child a new pair of shoes when only one child needed a new pair of shoes. Or toys. Or anything. I just bought shoes for the kid who needed new shoes, and I think that helped teach them that if you don’t need new shoes, there’s no reason to get upset if someone gets a pair when you don’t need them. They didn’t care. But I think the money thing above is different, maybe? 

[Excelsior! Academy]

@Indigo Bluehave you seen the video that is circling around posted by a public school teacher about elbow bandaids?  She teaches k.  One day she asked the class if anyone had ever hurt their elbow. Everyone in the class raised their hands. She gave one child a bandaid for their elbow.  Then she asked who had ever hurt their knee, then she picked another child and gave them a bandaid for their elbow.  She repeated these questions and each time gave the chosen child a bandaid for their elbow.  Fair isn’t always equal.  Not everyone needs the same things at the same times. I don’t feel obligated to purchase new shoes for every one in the house just because one child needs a pair badly, but I do make sure everyone gets to go clothing shopping at key points in the year.  Their purchase pile may look different than their siblings due to hand me downs and current growth needs, but they all get to shop. 

[gardenmom5]

 

Kids have different personalities - and some are more likeable than others. (some are easier to get along with than others.)  - but that is not the same as love.  that is not the same as doing things with them.   Some  take more energy. - that is not the same as playing favorites, or assigning black sheep. 

I have one that at times I've felt like was "the invisible one" - and it wasn't because of they were/are, but a whole lot of other higher priority stuff going on that took my time and energy.  I've felt bad, because things hit the fan when that child was small, and it was grossly unfair to that child.   I try to make it up. (hopefully I do better than my mother did.)  I have one that is more dramatic.  Then there is dudeling . . . . (he has ASD - PDA/comorbid anxiety through the roof, ADD, and CAPD.  one sibling feels I'm too easy on him, I finally got through reasoning in how I handle him, and sibling is more supportive.   another thinks I should do things __ way.  Since I didn't think it would do any harm,  I said go ahead and set it up.  yep. I knew it wasn't going to work.)

I think i've done pretty good not pitting them against each other, (and fostering good relationships between them) and that was my goal.  They get along well despite their personality quirks.  They have relationships with each other that are not dependent upon me.  - in my foo, we were pitted against each other.

I will do things, and ask if someone wants to do too.  Everyone get's a chance.   It's up to them to take it or not.  If that means I do something they like, but i only tolerate, then we do it because it's the relationship that  matters.

 

[Slache]

I've never thought about this. I think if someone was watching they'd peg oldest as golden. He's a traditional "good kid" and very helpful.

I don't know if my scapegoat is the one who's in trouble all the time or the one who's the most different. I'd say from my perspective it's the one who's in trouble but I don't discuss the issues outside of the family so it would default to my different kid. I have 2 quiets and one feral, so feral is scapegoat. The 2 take after their dad and the one after me, but I'm so tired I'm not really feral anymore. There's also a baby. He seems a good combo but I don't know what his role could be at this point.

I tell all my kids they're my favorite.

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

No favorites.  Obviously in some phases relationships are easier and in others harder. If someone told me I must have a golden child and a black sheep I’d probably do a slow blink and say, “What a strange, toxic thing to say.  Most people aren’t narcissists.”

This is what I was thinking!  I can't imagine someone saying this to someone else, as though it's normal.

[Farrar]

One of the difficult things I see is that a family doesn't have to have narcissists and that particular pattern to turn out dysfunctional in other ways. In my mother's family, the oldest brother was perfect kid who got away with being a bit of a bully by virtue of being oldest and smart, my mother was the pleaser and go-between and constantly told she was plain and not pretty, and the youngest brother was awkward and coddled and also a pleaser. As adults, they ended up a hot mess. Not with my grandparents, who they all maintained strong positive relationships with, but with each other. And there were resentments that grew from that time that never really got resolved.

[HS Mom in NC]

Context is relevant in my situation: My biological parents separated when I was 1 week old and my biological brother was 11 months old.  (Irish twins.) We lived w/Mom who remarried when we were 3 and 4. We visited our bio-dad every other Saturday and a few weekends in summer. Step-dad brought 2 full biological sibling sons into the marriage when they were 11 and 12. (Irish twins.) Their mother had no interest in seeing them and son B remembers her saying out loud in front of him at age 8ish, "I'll take son A, but I don't want son B." Their sister (of unconfirmed but suspicious parentage) was 5 and lived with her biological mother (step-dad's ex wife) visiting her legally assumed biological father (my step-dad) for about a year or so, then her biological mother disappeared with her until she was an adult. Step-dad chose not to legally pursue it fearing prosecuting her mother would put a permanent wedge between he and his presumed daughter. (He chose to never find out for sure so because he would lose legal right to see her and he adores her.)

If the question is really, "Who is the most likeable child? " Easy, everyone agrees in my family, including between the siblings,  it's my bio-brother. No resentment or jealousy on our parts acknowledging that. Being the most likeable doesn't necessarily translate to being favored (as in getting special treatment.) I'm the least likeable because I'm the least easy going, the least compliant, the least agreeable for the sake of being agreeable, the least reserved. Those traits are usually the least frequently needed in most situations. But I'm unquestionably equally treated, loved, included by all. 

So my family of origin is very complicated with kids having very different emotional needs. Son B (my step-brother) has had severe ongoing emotional issues related to being the expressly stated unwanted-by-his-biological-mother child.  Interestingly, he usually only talks about with the siblings (bio-brother and steps.) He has referred to my biological mother (his step-mother) as Mom far as I can remember. Same with his older bio-brother (my step-brother.) They referred to their bio-mom as Cathy. Obviously their bio-sister (my step-sister) is their bio-mother's favorite.

So you can see how it motivated my mom and step-dad to never play favorites. My mother's parents were the only grandparents in our lives and they were genuinely thrilled to more grandkids by whatever means, and they never played favorites. Oldest step-brother (Son A) told the story at Grandad's funeral about a game Grandad with us as littles where he laid on his back with his knees up, sat us on his feet, and threw us into the air with squeals of delight so we could jump high and forward like a superhero.  Step-brother distinctly remembers thinking at the time it would be fun but it wasn't anything he would get to do because he was so big. (12 years old) Grandad looked him in the eye and said just enthusiastically to him as us, "Do you want a turn?"  It was the moment he was convinced he was accepted as a full fledged grandkid the same as the bio-grandkids. On reflection as an adult it was a sign that Grandad was willing to put more effort into the equality if necessary. I have other examples, but you get it.

Mom and step-dad seem to be very conscious of not having favorites.  They definitely articulate outrage when they witnessed seeing displays of favoritism in other families and how wrong it is, so we experienced and heard genuine efforts consistently. That doesn't mean it wasn't, as my husband describes it, "highly functional dysfunction" in most other areas, but they were good at equality.

In my own family I avoid comparisons between kids.  (Mine are currently 25, 23, and 16.) I haven't heard comments by them of favoritism.  I think we do equality fairly well.  The only talk of favorites is on rare occasion when there was a little task I particularly didn't want to do, I presented it to the kids with the exact same joking words every time: " If one of you does X, you'll get to be my favorite kid for a whole 2 seconds." One of the kids would end up laughing and doing it and I would whisper loudly, "One one thousand, two one thousand. OK, that's it. It's over."

Do different kids have different needs?  Yes, having a child adopted internationally of a different race presents a whole host of things that have to be attended to that bio kids don't need.  Having a 7 and 9 year gap between the older kids and the youngest means they witnessed caregiving in a much more aware state than when they received caregiving as littles. The youngest perceived more privileges that came with maturity for the olders when she was little with less developmental maturity of her own, which can probably color her perspective.

Oldest has ongoing significant mental health issues, which is another complex dimension of perception and needs. Middle has always been the least obviously needy person and the most self-sufficient. How do you quantify that?  My kids are like apples, oranges, and pineapples.


Being in a different place financially later affects opportunity differently in a wide age spread of kids.  My husband being a business owner now vs. then creates differences in availability too. So does the marital dynamic like my husband leaving the faith when the older two were late elementary age and all the conflict and reworking of every.single. aspect. of the marriage in real time while the demands of life continue as usual for both of us.   Now that that transformation of the marriage has happened and the new normal is settled, youngest experiences a different family dynamic.  So does her only-child-in-the-home status due to age spread, which has a lot to do with coloring perceptions about who's getting what when from parents. 

My family dynamics has always been extremely complex and demanding.

[SKL]

This is a somewhat sensitive issue.  My kids have different needs.  I treat them differently for that reason.  Not because it gives me some kind of pleasure to hold one or the other to a lower standard or take more crap from her.

Who came up with this "favorites" idea anyway?  Why isn't it enough to just want each child to develop into her best self?

When I was a kid, I was relatively easier, for whatever reasons.  I used to get really mad that my parents would let my siblings get away with things I'd never dare to try.  But I was a kid then.  I understand it now, especially since I have kids myself, and had to quickly abandon the old "my kids would never" that is a favorite saying of childless people.

[Indigo Blue]

For some, the idea of “favorites “ has an entirely different meaning, ranging from harmless differences that benefit and serve each child best, all the way to a very toxic and damaging dynamic that divides and ruins family closeness forever. 

[Amy Gen]

This is somewhat of an issue in my family. I’m close to my oldest and we are similar in some ways, such as being more analytical that emotional, but she is a carbon copy of her dad. She has gotten the majority of my parenting attention because of her special needs. That is just how it is and I don’t regret my choices.  
 

My son is very much like I am and like my dad was. Even when he is in the wrong, like he is today, I understand his motivations, and how he got there. We generally share the same values and the same weak areas. We enjoy the same activities. 
 

Our middle child is very clearly my husband’s favorite. He has never told her no about anything her entire life. That put a strain on my relationship with her because any parenting I do is perceived as victimizing her. She is VERY sensitive which makes it draining to be around her. Who likes having to walk on eggshells in their own home? She is very jealous of my relationship with my son. 
 

My 4th kid is the exact opposite of both me and my husband, but we both have a good relationship with her. Middle child thinks this daughter is my favorite along with my son. 
 

The baby is super easy, always obedient and trying to please people and do her best. All of us have a good relationship with her. 
 

I don’t know how to not have an easier relationship with some kids rather than others. I do think I love them all the same, but I can’t treat them all the same way. 

[freesia]

4 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

And, sometimes, you do what you think is best, and then you feel judged for it. Maybe judged isn’t the right word, though. But you made your decision as a parent. You have no way of knowing what their perception of that is, like you said. But, still, you didn’t intentionally harm them, and as they get older they might begin to see that. You just picked a school to send them to. You don’t have a crystal ball. 

Yes, and sometimes what you decide really probably is/was the best and they still judge you.  I have a situation like that with one of my dc, who really didn't understand all the factors in a decision that we made.  S/he still has a romantic view of the situation and, sadly, that affects dc's trust of dh and me and might always.  I hope that someday dc will be able to understand.

I think I love all my dc the same.  I try to connect with them and encourage and support them equally.  The dc that I feel the least close to, ironically, would probably be the one I'd guess the others would say is "favored."  They do joke about it.  I hope it's joking. This child likes to present as "perfect."  This dc has been disciplined less as an adolescent bc they broke few rules.  This dc is sensitive to criticism.  So, I need to balance feedback between their being able to handle it and needing to learn it's ok not to be perfect. This dc also is very independent and at one point we needed to say "yes" as much as possible bc we said "no" to something very big and important to them (but absolutely necessary to say no to) and they were having mental health problems..  It pushed our comfort zone.  Now we are trying to balance that with saying "yes" to the others so they don't feel we favored the other.  It's complicated.

My youngest is four years younger.  As others have said, it kinda puts her as an "only."  She has always been my buddy bc she had no close siblings.  She spent a lot of her life not having what the others did bc she was too young.  On the flip side, we may be able to afford more in high school and college bc she will be the only here and that worries me.

Ugh, I think a lot about this.

Edited August 31, 2021 by freesia

[hippymamato3]

6 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

My dd is the scapegoat in her household. It's a very important role that keeps the family together.
Her stepsister has it worse, though. She has to witness it without explanation.

So damaging. Is there a way to remove her from that situation?

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

  

My youngest is four years younger.  As others have said, it kinda puts her as an "only."   

four years isn't much of a gap. they're still in elementary at the same time.  two of my closest are 3 1/2 years apart.  (I jokingly refer to them as my twins, as they're alike.  They could be Sebastian and Viola as they look a lot alike too.)

but I also have a 12 1/2 year gap.  Dudeling really is more like an only.  Two were out of the house before he was even born.

[freesia]

1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

four years isn't much of a gap. they're still in elementary at the same time.  two of my closest are 3 1/2 years apart.  (I jokingly refer to them as my twins, as they're alike.  They could be Sebastian and Viola as they look a lot alike too.)

but I also have a 12 1/2 year gap.  Dudeling really is more like an only.  Two were out of the house before he was even born.

Yes, that's much more of a gap, for sure.

The way it worked in my house my third did not want to be grouped with youngest at all.  It created a situation where she was part of the whole, but also very seperate.  He wouldn't play with her unless one of the older sibs were there. He also is an introvert and she talked non-stop as a child.  I was her only outlet for that. 

[gardenmom5]

4 minutes ago, freesia said:

Yes, that's much more of a gap, for sure.

The way it worked in my house my third did not want to be grouped with youngest at all.  It created a situation where she was part of the whole, but also very seperate.  He wouldn't play with her unless one of the older sibs were there. He also is an introvert and she talked non-stop as a child.  I was her only outlet for that. 

that's not an age thing though.  That's  a personality difference.  it could just as easily happen with two kids that are only 18 months apart.

when talking about age gaps in kids making a young sibling effectually an "only" - it's generally about physical and cognitive ability to do things making a big developmental gap.   e.g. we went to go see a movie as a family (i.e. Star Trek reboot) - but I had to get a babysitter for him because he simply wasn't old enough to go.  (and having been dragged to movies by my mother that were age inappropriate for me, no way was I doing it to my kids.)  or    Going swimming required someone to constantly supervise him, even though everyone else had been pretty independent for years.   

[BlsdMama]

I think contrasting perceptions are inevitable. My siblings perceptions are different than both my own and one another’s.  I am probably the black sheep as I’m the one that has moved the most and furthest, the one who made very different lifestyle choices, etc., but I don’t feel discluded. Our parents work very hard to make treatment fair. That said, it isn’t remotely possible (nor  desirable IMO) to treat children the same or as though they are the same.  
 

My brother was deployed. He has PTSD. He dabbled in drugs. My mom and dad pulled him into the family farm to promote stability and accountability and closeness. He and his family live down the road. I was wildly independent. I married at 19, moved across the country for the first time at 23, and live a largely independent life, but that has consequences. My sister falls in between. There is no equitable way to behave in the relationships. They see my kids (now) every 2-3 weeks. They see my nephews and niece daily. His kids do sports - they go to most of the games. My kids do mock trial. Competition takes hours and is generally away and is 1-2 times per year. Play is once per year. The opportunities to show support are more limited, kwim? 
 

Having had 11 uniquely different children, the relationships are different. I am told my oldest is my favorite. To be fair, they don’t ever witness arguments or me telling her what to do next. I drop everything and pay attention to my adult kids when they are here... This feels like favoritism to the younger set. Is it? Of course not. She’s an adult woman. I have a kiddo I have a harder relationship with. Do I love that child less? Of course not. But he feels as though we are more critical of his choices - and we are, but only because he is less apt to think things through. All that to say, moms are just human. Their kids? Unique humans. The relationships are not “fair” or “same.” I find it curious that such a big deal is made over this unevenness everywhere we turn! 

[BlsdMama]

35 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

four years isn't much of a gap. they're still in elementary at the same time.  two of my closest are 3 1/2 years apart.  (I jokingly refer to them as my twins, as they're alike.  They could be Sebastian and Viola as they look a lot alike too.)

but I also have a 12 1/2 year gap.  Dudeling really is more like an only.  Two were out of the house before he was even born.

As in 12.5 years from his closest sibling in age?

 Friends of ours have a 16 year gap from children #2 and #3 (twins) and #4. All three ogle kids have all moved out, the youngest is four and she is very much an only.

 

 

 

[Kassia]

23 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

when talking about age gaps in kids making a young sibling effectually an "only" - it's generally about physical and cognitive ability to do things making a big developmental gap.   e.g. we went to go see a movie as a family (i.e. Star Trek reboot) - but I had to get a babysitter for him because he simply wasn't old enough to go.  (and having been dragged to movies by my mother that were age inappropriate for me, no way was I doing it to my kids.)  or    Going swimming required someone to constantly supervise him, even though everyone else had been pretty independent for years.   

We had a lot of these issues when my youngest was little.  She's 8 years younger than her twin brothers and 11 1/2 years younger than the oldest.  Movies, games, activities, toys, vacation places...everything was just so hard.  And she was dragged to everything (she handled that well, though).  Now she's 19 and my oldest is 30 and they all adore each other and stay in touch even though all 4 are in different states - they play games virtually and text/snap regularly and they have a sibling discord group they use together.  It's really touching to me how close they are even with the age gap.  Dd looks up to her brothers so much and they really support and help her with many things.

[gardenmom5]

9 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

As in 12.5 years from his closest sibling in age?

 Friends of ours have a 16 year gap from children #2 and #3 (twins) and #4. All three ogle kids have all moved out, the youngest is four and she is very much an only.

 

 

 

yes - 2ds was 12 1/2 when dudeling was born.   1dd graduated from college that year.  2dd was a freshman in college.  So the girls weren't even living at home.  

eta: next year - they'll all be in their 30s (until 1dd turns 40).  and dudeling will still be a teenager.

Edited August 31, 2021 by gardenmom5

[BlsdMama]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

yes - 2ds was 12 1/2 when dudeling was born.   1dd graduated from college that year.  2dd was a freshman in college.  So the girls weren't even living at home.  

Amazing! 
 

William is 18 years younger than the oldest and was surprised to discover his nephew’s mom was his sister?! It has never occurred to us we would need to intentionally teach this. He’ll never be like an only though because his sister is 1.5 years from him. 

[Rosie_0801]

4 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

So damaging. Is there a way to remove her from that situation?

She'll turn 18 eventually.

[Melissa Louise]

I think you'd have to ask my children. 

I don't have gc/scapegoat dynamics, from my perspective, but I do have more optimal fit with one child, and less optimal with another. 

The kids may have their own perspectives and feelings.

I know middle child feels like a middle child. I know middle child has sometimes felt as if I favour another (said other is not my optimal fit child). 

But really, I don't have an experience of being my children - my kids do. I'd have to defer to them and their experience. 

 

 

 

[Kassia]

14 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

But really, I don't have an experience of being my children - my kids do. I'd have to defer to them and their experience. 

 

 

 

I'd be really interested in the answers if/when I asked my children.  It would be fascinating to hear their viewpoints.  

[Shoeless]

9 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

So you can see how it motivated my mom and step-dad to never play favorites. My mother's parents were the only grandparents in our lives and they were genuinely thrilled to more grandkids by whatever means, and they never played favorites. Oldest step-brother (Son A) told the story at Grandad's funeral about a game Grandad with us as littles where he laid on his back with his knees up, sat us on his feet, and threw us into the air with squeals of delight so we could jump high and forward like a superhero.  Step-brother distinctly remembers thinking at the time it would be fun but it wasn't anything he would get to do because he was so big. (12 years old) Grandad looked him in the eye and said just enthusiastically to him as us, "Do you want a turn?"  It was the moment he was convinced he was accepted as a full fledged grandkid the same as the bio-grandkids. On reflection as an adult it was a sign that Grandad was willing to put more effort into the equality if necessary. I have other examples, but you get it.

This is such a sweet story. ❤️ It reminded me of my step-grandfather.  I always felt like a "real" grandkid with him. 

[Condessa]

I don't love any child more or less than another.  I think they are all such interesting, amazing, different people.  That does not mean, however, that I enjoy each child equally all the time.  As they go through different phases, sometimes one or another can be a huge pain for a time, but that's just part of growing up.  

However, issues with the kids' perceptions of unequal care have become more difficult this past year.  The requirements of medical care for my youngest mean that he gets way more one-on-one time than the others going to and from appointments, while they stay at home.  They've spent a lot of time with babysitters.  They've had to take on more responsibility with being more independent with schoolwork, and we had to drop most of their extracurriculars (those that weren't already cancelled for covid).  And while we actively resist the urge to spoil ds7, he is often worn out by his medications and PT work and is incapable of doing as much as we expected of the others at his age.  They have mostly been really understanding of it all, but they are just kids, and it is a hard thing to deal with.