Should I get my 12 Year Old a Cellphone?

[wendyroo]

Long story short, DS12 doesn't actually have any need for a cellphone, but I am wondering if it would be socially advantageous...or, conversely, if not having one would set him apart from peers.

Starting in the fall, DS12 will be participating in several extracurriculars that will involve a lot of socialization and cooperation which I am hoping will help him make some friends...or some acquaintances...or even some peers whose names he knows.

He will be in an Escape Room class for 1.5 hours a week, with about a dozen kids, ages 6th through 12th grade.
He will be in a Free Art Exploration class for 1.5 hours a week, with about a dozen kids, ages 6th through 12th grade.
He will be in an online Spanish 4 class for 2 hours a week, with mostly high schoolers (almost all local to us)
He will be in a Comic Drawing Club for 2 hours a week, with about a dozen kids, ages 7-18
He will be in a nature exploration/challenge/skill-building class for 4 hours, once a week, with about a dozen kids ages 10-15
 - Families in the nature class can also opt into monthly field trips which we will often participate in

In none of those situations will he need a cellphone, but I am starting to wonder if that will be the norm with his classmates and if they will be forming connections and making plans via texting or social media.

OTOH, I see a lot of potential downsides to getting him a phone. He has autism and ADD and is not good about keeping track of his things. He also does not have a good sense of social conventions and could get himself into a lot of trouble (or alienate peers by being a PITA) very easily. This will be made worse since many of his peers in the classes will be much older than him. Also, his track record with devices is horrible - he has no self-control and will lie, cheat and steal to sneak screen time at the expense of every other activity.

It feels like we are leaving the "Mom sets up playdates" stage of socialization, but I am very uncertain about how the next stage works.

[Terabith]

Honestly, yes, if he does not have a cell phone with at least text capability, he will be left out of a lot of things and it will be socially abnormal.  That's not necessarily a reason to do so, but honestly, my kids' social life is primarily through their phones, and I think that is pretty typical.  

I think 12 is a good age for a cell phone, in general, because they are young enough that you still have a lot of input into how they are used.  I have a kid with significant issues with working memory and executive functioning, and the phone is the key to her independence and ability to function.  She uses reminders and alarms to do things like remind her to take meds, get to appointments and classes, remembering assignments.  She uses it to listen to music to go to sleep at night.  My oldest uses the phone for socializing.  For my youngest with ASD, the cell phone was genuinely life changing and has been the single most useful tool in her arsenal.  Pre phone, I had serious doubts about her ability to function and live independently as an adult.  I no longer do.  

[ScoutTN]

Given his issues with screens, I’d say a firm no unless the phone can be locked down to only texts and calls. If he doesn’t have the impulse control and maturity to limit screen time, a phone will create way more problems than it solves. 

My kids have found real, in-person friendships without phones just fine. They key has been long-term activities that span years, not weeks or a few months. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by ScoutTN

[HomeAgain]

Following.

My oldest was 12 when he got his first cell phone.  It was a basic Nokia, with prepaid minutes.  At 14 he graduated to a regular text/talk only, and then got an iphone when he graduated high school.

The youngest is coming up on 12.  We will be expected to leave him more at activities, and I'm considering activating the text/talk phone for him.  He and his friends use Messenger Kids to talk right now, and we keep close tabs on apps and websites he's allowed to go to.  I don't know how to bridge that last bit of trust with him.  Oldest had plenty of internet safety classes through the years and it was hammered in hard.

[busymama7]

In our house, the Gabb wireless phone has been a good compromise.   It just calls, texts and has a camera but it looks like a smart phone and not a flip phone.  

[SKL]

Yes, but start out having a lot of control and monitor what happens.  For example, the cell phone is in your possession during certain set hours.  I used to read every text my kids sent and received, review their photos/videos, and look at their phone call log every night.  We would discuss anything that concerned me.  I did that until they were over 13yo, and I still reserve the right should I feel it is needed.

You can choose a cheap option in case he loses it.  We did Tracfone from their 10th to 12th birthdays.  You can limit his rights based on what is best for him, and the cost of replacing a lost phone is pretty small.  Another option is to convert someone else's used iphone for him.

You might want to consider buying a fat waterproof cover if he is likely to get the phone wet.

Whether I like it or not, my girls' phones are a big part of their lives, social and otherwise.  They are mostly positive.  In addition to giving them social connections and entertainment, a smart phone can be an organization tool.  One of my kids uses her phone to keep track of her extracurricular schedule, for example.  They can set reminders etc.  They can take photos/videos to better share their lives with others.  And I can contact them easily when I need to.  🙂

[Lecka]

I have started two kids on being allowed to text from my phone.  
 

One got a phone when he was 13 and he had been texting a while, and things were moving to text.
 

One is 12 now and she only texts with 3 people.  It works fine for her to use my phone.  
 

It really depends what other kids are doing and who your child happens to be friends with.  It can really vary.

My current 12yo’s texts are almost all sending gifs back and forth.  It seems fine for her to just use my phone here and there.  It’s honestly not something where she is part of a texting group.  I know some kids her age are, but she isn’t yet.  

 

Edit:  My older son is on Instagram, but he started out texting.  

Edited August 9, 2021 by Lecka

[mlktwins]

My boys just got their 1st cell phones at 16.  I'm glad I waited and have zero regrets.  There were a few times where it was a little awkward because of friends having phones, but they survived and have adapted just fine since having them.  

My rules for them are no phones in their rooms at night, they charge on the kitchen counter, I know the password, and they know I can check them anytime.  I haven't done that yet, but told them not to text about anything they wouldn't want their mom to see.

 

[PeterPan]

My ds runs about 2.5 years behind. I see zero reason to give him a cell phone right now at 12, irrespective of what his peers do. He's functioning with the maturity of a 9 yo in the body of a John Stamos AND he's starting to notice girls. Zero good would come from a cell phone with that. Give him one (with restrictions) when he asks. If he hasn't asked, why rush?

[catz]

Is he going to be out of the house in a drop off situation for all those thing?  I do think a lot of activities assume a kid is going to be able to reach a parent on cell phone if needed.  That's when we first got my oldest a phone, he was newly 13.  My daughter was doing a lot of dance earlier, so she got one at 10/11.  

That said, early phone days here involved just docking the phone in a certain spot for many hours a day and my kids don't get a data plan until they get a drivers license.  Phones were not allowed in bedroom.  We had full control at those earliest age.  My 17 year old still doesn't have a data plan lol.  So wifi is required to engage the phone in interesting ways.  I actually think introducing the phone when we still had control was a good thing here.  Not having a data plan worked well too.  

I have a 20 and a 17 year old now and they still rarely take their technology to their rooms because it is such a habit.  It did happen some this year because we had dueling zoom things going on in the main area of our house last year.  

Anyway those early years of drop off activities it was nice to be able to reach them if I was running a few minutes late, or their class was running late, etc.  But that's pretty much all the phone was used for those days.  My daughter did text a little with a few friend groups at 12+ but I could view all that and it was very cute and innocent stuff.

Edited August 9, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[Hyacinth]

If he's just texting, sure. But with lots of non-negotiable rules in place (mom gets to check whenever she wants; no phone in the bedroom; whatever you see fit).

The problems, IMHO, come with the next steps: Instagram, Snapchat, Tik-Tok, mindless web surfing. . . 

[Lecka]

Something to watch out for is kids who will sit and play on their phone while NOT socializing.

This has been more of a concern here.

With autism and attention issues — it can be a concern, and it can be worth looking at if it is going to be a tool for connection or if it might take up time that might have been a social time.

It also opens up the chance to make more social errors, which can be hard.  
 

 

 

[Lecka]

My kids have always been able to borrow phones.  
 

This comes up all the time for my one kid who has a phone but often has a dead battery.
 

He borrows a phone, from an adult or another kid, or asks to use a phone in a reception area, etc.

 

He does not magically always have his phone charged, sigh.  
 

It also means it’s not a magical way for us to get ahold of him because often his phone is not charged.  

Edit:  I am SO jealous of parents whose kids keep their phones charged.  SO jealous.  My son does not want to be available that way, it is not a priority for him.  He doesn’t go out of his way not to have his phone charged, but he also doesn’t mind if it’s not available, so we often can’t reach him, but he can reach us if he wants to by borrowing a phone.  
 

 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Lecka

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes, absolutely.

We still start our 12 year olds with an old school flip phone, no connectivity to the internet. At 12, other adults will begin to expect that he has a cell phone and that he can use it.  The "oversight for little kids" falls off of a steep cliff.  He needs to be able to reach you if something goes wrong--he injures himself in a class, the instructor has to leave early, he forgot an item.  

My 12 yo dd absolutely plans her social life off of her phone *and* messaging and sending goofy photos is a huge part of that. For my quirky boys, not so much BUT they do use their alarms a lot as reminders and by 14 I am wanting them to manage their own calendars and reminders more. Communication is directed at teens, not at parents, and my boys have to be able to function in that environment.

By 14, my kids have all had smart phones.  There has also been an expectation in classes that they can access the internet.

[73349]

We have opted not to yet for Mr. 13. It will probably happen next year, with oversight. We have a laptop from which he can use email and a cell phone that's not connected for anything else that he borrows for timers, a metronome app, etc. He borrows my phone for other apps occasionally, and uses the landline to talk with one friend while they play an online game together.

When he does have a phone, it's likely to live in my room and only come out when he's supposed to use it.

[catz]

25 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Edit:  I am SO jealous of parents whose kids keep their phones charged.  SO jealous.  My son does not want to be available that way, it is not a priority for him.  He doesn’t go out of his way not to have his phone charged, but he also doesn’t mind if it’s not available, so we often can’t reach him, but he can reach us if he wants to by borrowing a phone.  
 

 

We just had a docking station where the phones had to be when it wasn't in use.  So it was something we had to help them build a habit with but once that is where the phones lived we were good to go.

[Lecka]

I agree it’s expected kids are going to make their own arrangements.

I think some kids are shy about saying “can I borrow your phone” and it can depend on if they know anyone or not. 
 

I think if it would be awkward then that can be a reason to have a phone.

 

I get tired of kids who just directly consult their parent, and I think my 16yo has gained some needed social skills by not always going straight to mom.  This was an *obvious issue* with him and I saw it with a few other boys, too.  Like, we have had a boy over who called his mom over something where it surprised me he didn’t say something to my son or I.  It worked out and I think overall it’s good because if that boy is anxious he is doing the best he can.  But it would have been better to me if he could have told my son or I.  This is hard to explain but I think it can mean missing out on some learning opportunities, but they are the kind of learning opportunities that might go really poorly anyway, and then the phone can be good if it lets kids do more.  

[SKL]

3 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I agree it’s expected kids are going to make their own arrangements.

I think some kids are shy about saying “can I borrow your phone” and it can depend on if they know anyone or not. 
 

I think if it would be awkward then that can be a reason to have a phone.

 

I get tired of kids who just directly consult their parent, and I think my 16yo has gained some needed social skills by not always going straight to mom.  This was an *obvious issue* with him and I saw it with a few other boys, too.  Like, we have had a boy over who called his mom over something where it surprised me he didn’t say something to my son or I.  It worked out and I think overall it’s good because if that boy is anxious he is doing the best he can.  But it would have been better to me if he could have told my son or I.  This is hard to explain but I think it can mean missing out on some learning opportunities, but they are the kind of learning opportunities that might go really poorly anyway, and then the phone can be good if it lets kids do more.  

Yes, sometimes the phone is helpful when one of my kids is anxious.  I would rather she not be anxious, but some things we can't control.

[Lecka]

My son doesn’t WANT to always have his phone charged.  He doesn’t WANT to develop that habit and he doesn’t see it as something he wants.

He is honestly such a good kid and we have no problems with him, but he does not value keeping his phone with him and charged.  

He thinks it is fine either way.

My husband thinks this is fine, too.  
 

I am the one who would like the phone to be reliably charged and carried 😉

 

[kirstenhill]

I think in your case I might wait and see if it becomes an issue that he really needs it? I have found that until my kids were either the oldest kid home alone (or alone with younger siblings) or transporting themselves via bike to activities/jobs they weren't really needing a phone per se.  Most "drop off" activities have a clear end time, so they didn't need to call me to let me know something was over.  They all had my number memorized so that in the rare case of something ending unexpectedly, they could borrow a phone to call or text.   But that being said, my oldest had a limited use phone at 12 because she was babysitting her siblings and occasionally neighbor kids.  Then DS14 was about 12 when he needed to start babysitting his younger siblings and also needed a phone.  In both cases they started out with a phone that had wi-fi only (still works for 911, and we used a non-texting chat app), and then went to a limited pre-paid plan, then went to a full plan with data once they were older and actually biking somewhere where they might need to access google maps if lost.

There are other ways for kids to communicate other than just sms texting -- Google Hangouts is going away, but I think it is being replaced by Google Chat, and there are other free "chat" apps too -- kids can connect to other kids via those apps.  My 14 year old rarely texts anyone besides family members and one friend.  But he may be the exception because he doesn't have a very full social life right now. He does also use Discord with a couple of friends.

My 12 year old will get some kind of call-capable device this fall when DS14 goes to school because then HE will be the oldest kid still at home (sometimes alone, sometimes responsible for DS9).  But I can't see him (yet) really wanting to text with other kids and make social plans. I figure he is still young enough to not be able to get anywhere by himself (He doesn't really bike around town by himself yet), so there's still some amount of coordination with me and potentially another parent that would have to happen anyway if he wants to make social plans. 

[catz]

35 minutes ago, Lecka said:

My son doesn’t WANT to always have his phone charged.  He doesn’t WANT to develop that habit and he doesn’t see it as something he wants.

He is honestly such a good kid and we have no problems with him, but he does not value keeping his phone with him and charged.  

He thinks it is fine either way.

My husband thinks this is fine, too.  
 

I am the one who would like the phone to be reliably charged and carried 😉

 

I will say before each of my kids got their phones they each had a semi-emergency, anxiety inducing situation where they needed to get a hold of us quickly at a drop off activity and the natural consequences of this while watching peers with their phones definitely help drive their motivation to have a phone charged while they were away from home.   So that desire will probably kick in at some point.  But if your spouse isn't on board with requiring it, sounds like a pointless battle.  

Edited August 9, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

Something to watch out for is kids who will sit and play on their phone while NOT socializing.

This has been more of a concern here.

With autism and attention issues — it can be a concern, and it can be worth looking at if it is going to be a tool for connection or if it might take up time that might have been a social time.

It also opens up the chance to make more social errors, which can be hard.  
 

 

 

I can't attest to the autism part but I know that phones are super helpful to a lot of ADHD people. I was really haiving to insist that dd2 switch to a smart phone for college because I knew she needed features like the calendar, the timers and alarms, the music which helped her study, etc, etc.  She was very thankful to me for having insisted and decided she should have gotrten a smart phone earlier when she was in later high school and I was trying to get her to use.

I think I had dd2 on flip phones starting about 12 or 13-but that was a safety issue primarily.  

My  youngest is 24.5 now so there is that too.

[Carrie12345]

In our family, it started when kids would be dropped off somewhere. Actually, to be fair, it started for #1 when his school bus was in an accident and I didn’t get a call to go to the hospital (where all the kids were taken, not just the injured) until long after it had happened.  
Dds got one to share for when they were dropped at softball.  
Next kid was when I had a lot of volunteer jobs at co-op in a spread out building.

But, frankly, my 10yo has had one for quite some time just because we had an extra on hand and everyone else had one. I’m glad he’s had it for quarantine, but I’m not about to say he *needed* it before that.

[SoCal_Bear]

here is a comparison between pinwheel and gabb,

https://pinwheel.com/pages/gabb-wireless-vs-pinwheel

I am leaning towards pinwheel.

 

 

[Lanny]

Some comments on things I read in this thread:

(1) Battery charging: Everyone should have their own routine for this. In my case, I charge the battery in my phone in the mornings, when I am taking care of our dogs and then while I'm eating Breakfast and then washing the dishes. It needs to be a habit and one needs to stick to that habit.

(2) IMO "Data" can be a life saver.  Before DD went overseas to university 2 years ago, I researched Prepaid Plans on MVNOs. I selected Red Pocket Mobile for a number of reasons. There are other good providers too. With Red Pocket Mobile, I selected to have it running on the AT&T Network in the USA. We pay $99 a year on eBay for 360 days of service.  USD ($8.25 a month).  That has been fine with her old Motorola Moto G4 (purchased in February 2017?) but that may not work starting in  February 2022...

(3) Here's an issue I see when I read about people wanting to use very old phones that are only for Voice and Text...

Things are changing. For example, in February (?) 2022, the AT&T Network in the USA will terminate their 3G Network. If I assume T-Mobile will do the same to their 3G Network.

What does that mean? As they convert to 5G, AT&T will have a list of phones that will work on their network, as Verizon did for years about which devices would work on their network.  Soon, many phones won't work on the AT&T Network and possibly won't work on other networks. I have even had thoughts of possibly having Red Pocket Mobile move her service from the AT&T Network to the Verizon Network, depending on the requirements of AT&T and the requirements of Verizon.

I am hoping my DD can hold off until January 2022 before buying a new phone and that AT&T and Red Pocket Mobile will have larger lists of phones that are approved by AT&T to work on their network.

(4) DD will probably be on a "Data" only plan for the next 4 or 5 months.  This will be interesting and I suspect is the "future" having arrived.  She also has the "Magic App" from Magic Jack on her Android phone so with WiFi that has a U.S. phone number and can be used for Voice Calls and Text Messages to U.S. phone numbers.

I believe that AT&T (and possibly other providers) will be requiring phones to have certain technology that permits them to use VoLTE (Voice over LTE) and other things that many older phones don't have.

(5) My DD is older than the DS of the OP.  When I asked her about which "Messaging" apps she uses, a few months ago, she told me "everything except Skype".  We live in South America and "WhatsApp" is extremely popular here, as in much of the world.  It's an Encrypted App that was purchased by Facebook some years ago. I wish that it wasn't owned by Facebook but otherwise it works very well.

[Lecka]

My mom just got a new phone from AT and T for free, because her old phone was not going on work on the new network.

They sent it to her in the mail for free.

It’s an emergency phone for her, she likes to have it when she drives into a metro area.

Edit:  I guess AT and T is their service provider.  

Edited August 9, 2021 by Lecka

[BlsdMama]

My kids have active social lives and no one here has their own phone before they can drive. I’m truly not sorry and have no regrets. 
 

Phones have a way of taking over. A healthy kid who can interact socially and understands how to be a friend will have friends. DS did not become active in his circle until he was a junior. DD (now 20 and married) got her phone at 16 - no shortage of friends (or guys, fwiw.)

DD15 and DS16 share a phone. When they’re driving separately this fall, DS will get his own phone, but it will be in our room when he’s not at class or work because he has a tendency to hyper focus on screens. 
 

DD15 and DD13 interact on group messages/chats via an app - either on the computer or on my phone. 
I can’t compete with a phone and I don’t want to constantly regulate it. 

[mathnerd]

I got my son a phone because he attends a class which is within a closed campus and he needs to call me when he is done for pickup. He never uses it, will pull it out of his backpack and text me when he is ready to go home and that is all. He got bored of all the games that I enthusiastically installed for him on his phone! He did get heavy use out of his phone last year when he was in Zoom classes and the wi-fi died and he switched to his phone hotspot (it happened once even while taking a critical online test). He was doing a science project with a 11th grader who texted him questions and suggestions a few times. He also used his phone to take pictures of his projects for submitting to his teacher. He could have gotten away with using my phone for those purposes. 

He is happy to use email on his laptop to contact his friends. He does not use apps like discord, facebook or instagram to connect to his friends. So, in our case, the phone is of not much use.

If you don't need to contact your son during his outside classes, then I would suggest that you wait for a while.

[bensonduck]

DD has a smartphone. She is 12 and is part of a very close knit group of young people who are all competitors in a certain type of academic competition. The kids are from all over the US. Her friends have group chats on Google Chat, follow each other on Instagram, etc.

Because she is 12, she is well aware that I may take her phone at any time and scroll through everything. She has been mostly responsible with it.  We have had a few hiccups but she’s generally pretty responsible. It helps that this group is very academically minded and they push each other. (The texts are like, “Do you think I should study Topic A or Topic B today? I heard So and So found a new way to work on Topic B. Did she tell you?”)

Interestingly, DD does not text or Instagram as much with her in person friends. They will text to make plans to meet up or wish happy bdays or something but it isn’t this ongoing dialogue the way it is with her competition group. 

[Janeway]

No, It brings in too much drama. There will constantly be internet at his fingertips. It will cause emotional damage. It will NOT be worth it! Please do not get him one.

[happypamama]

If it's socially acceptable to have one, get it for him, and use something like ScreenTime to set what he can and can't do on it and when.

[mom2scouts]

None of my kids had cell phones before they were driving. For the older ones, it wasn't a problem because it wasn't expected that everyone had a phone. My almost 15 year old still doesn't have a phone and it's starting to become an issue, not so much because of the social aspect, but because she babysits and people don't have landlines anymore. She's found a way to use her email to text her friends, but I think we're going to get a phone for her birthday since she'll be driving in the next year anyway. In your case I might wait a bit longer or get something like a Gabb phone.

[vonfirmath]

On 8/9/2021 at 1:27 PM, Lecka said:

My son doesn’t WANT to always have his phone charged.  He doesn’t WANT to develop that habit and he doesn’t see it as something he wants.

He is honestly such a good kid and we have no problems with him, but he does not value keeping his phone with him and charged.  

He thinks it is fine either way.

My husband thinks this is fine, too.  
 

I am the one who would like the phone to be reliably charged and carried 😉

 

After I met my husband, I taught him to keep his phone charged and with him because I valued being able to get a hold of him.

 

[TechWife]

On 8/9/2021 at 1:02 PM, wendyroo said:

Also, his track record with devices is horrible - he has no self-control and will lie, cheat and steal to sneak screen time at the expense of every other activity.

Under no circumstances would I get him a cell phone with this history. It will not provide any social advantage to someone who isn’t using it properly. He’s at an age where social interactions are difficult for everyone and when differences between those with ASD and their same-age neurotypical peers become more pronounced. He will probably always have a harder time socially than others. It is to be expected. For this reason, as the parent of a son with ASD, I’d encourage you to get him into some type of social skills class or CBT to help him relate to people better. However, understand that interventions won’t mean that he will be like the other kids and that his peer group will be changing as others of the same age will have neurotypical experiences while he will experience the world quite differently than they will. 

[TechWife]

On 8/9/2021 at 1:06 PM, Terabith said:

Honestly, yes, if he does not have a cell phone with at least text capability, he will be left out of a lot of things and it will be socially abnormal.  That's not necessarily a reason to do so, but honestly, my kids' social life is primarily through their phones, and I think that is pretty typical.  

I think 12 is a good age for a cell phone, in general, because they are young enough that you still have a lot of input into how they are used.  I have a kid with significant issues with working memory and executive functioning, and the phone is the key to her independence and ability to function.  She uses reminders and alarms to do things like remind her to take meds, get to appointments and classes, remembering assignments.  She uses it to listen to music to go to sleep at night.  My oldest uses the phone for socializing.  For my youngest with ASD, the cell phone was genuinely life changing and has been the single most useful tool in her arsenal.  Pre phone, I had serious doubts about her ability to function and live independently as an adult.  I no longer do.  

I’m glad your daughter has been able to make good use of her phone. The OP’s son has already demonstrated that he is unable to handle screens appropriately. He needs more time to mature before he will be able to see a phone as a tool. That’s my opinion anyway.

[Lecka]

What a difference 3 months makes!  My 16yo keeps his phone charged all the time now 🙂. It is so nice!

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

What a difference 3 months makes!  My 16yo keeps his phone charged all the time now 🙂. It is so nice!

My 16 yo uses his as a kindle - so it's charged and with him.

[wathe]

 

In your situation , I probably wouldn’t.

Neither my 12 yo nor my 13yo have cellphones.  It’s been a nonissue so far.

They do drop off activities ( scouts, travel volleyball).  While at those activities, they are in the care of adults who have access to phones.   Their is no need for each kid to have a personal phone IMO.

They do have their own email accounts, and have started to manage some of their own communication with activity leaders and peers with email from a home computer.  Much easier to supervise and less likely to become a distraction.