Quick question - which do you think is more typical?

[Ginevra]

If you were meeting a friend for lunch and the friend will be meeting you from work, do you dress up a bit? In other words, my friend will be dressed in business attire and it feels like I should be dressed in that direction. I was thinking of wearing slacks instead of jeans. Is it weird, though? For me to dress more equally to her attire when I am coming from home and could wear anything? 

Just curious what others think is “normal.”

[Ottakee]

I would say it depends on where you are eating.  I would lean more to the not dressing up end....but then again I want to wear bling jeans and cowboy boots as my mother of the bride outfit.

[Pawz4me]

Assuming it's a casual restaurant then I'd wear my normal every day clothes. If it's a nicer restaurant then I'd put in a little extra effort. But I'm a function (comfort) over form (dressier) person whenever possible. If you want to dress up a bit more then that's fine. Do what makes you feel best!

[Ann.without.an.e]

44 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Assuming it's a casual restaurant then I'd wear my normal every day clothes. If it's a nicer restaurant then I'd put in a little extra effort. But I'm a function (comfort) over form (dressier) person whenever possible. If you want to dress up a bit more then that's fine. Do what makes you feel best!

 

We need the "I agree" emoji thingy back.  

Edited March 6, 2019 by Attolia

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Assuming it's a casual restaurant then I'd wear my normal every day clothes. If it's a nicer restaurant then I'd put in a little extra effort. But I'm a function (comfort) over form (dressier) person whenever possible. If you want to dress up a bit more then that's fine. Do what makes you feel best!

The restaurant is on the nicer end in an area that is overall on the upscale side.

As I think about this, it seems as though I don’t want to be dressed as Homeschool Mom (not that I mean poorly dressed; just casually dressed) because I don’t want it to appear I’m her client. (I know, I know...appear to whom? Who’s looking at two ladies at lunch and pigeon-holing thier purpose?) I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

[Pawz4me]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

The restaurant is on the nicer end in an area that is overall on the upscale side.

As I think about this, it seems as though I don’t want to be dressed as Homeschool Mom (not that I mean poorly dressed; just casually dressed) because I don’t want it to appear I’m her client. (I know, I know...appear to whom? Who’s looking at two ladies at lunch and pigeon-holing thier purpose?) I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

I'd dress up a little, then. I think if you don't you'll feel conspicuous, and it might take away from your enjoyment of lunch with your friend.

Have fun!

[Arcadia]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

 

If you dress up in business attire, then you might appear to be her colleague instead. Unless the restaurant has a reputation of customers rarely wearing jeans there, I would wear whatever is comfortable for the weather.

[Tanaqui]

Given the amount of thought you've put into this, it sounds like you'll be a little more comfortable in a slightly higher caliber of clothing than you usually wear.

[medawyn]

I love an opportunity to dress up a little, so I wouldn’t care what is more typical.  It’s nice to air out my non-mom clothes every once in a while.

[Bluegoat]

I think it would depend on the place we were eating.  But also, what I wore at home.  I might wear nice jeans, or slacks, and a nicer shirt, to a place like you describe, or a skirt.  But sometimes I might wear that at home.

If like today I am wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt with a beer drinking snowman, I might change even to get groceries!

Also - sometimes it is nice to get a chance to dress up a bit if you are home a lot.

Edited March 6, 2019 by Bluegoat

[Junie]

I would dress up a little.  Says the girl who spent countless hours watching "What Not to Wear" during a recent bout of insomnia.

[Kidlit]

I think you’ll enjoy it more (& so would I!) if you wear something that makes you feel good about yourself. 

[Storygirl]

When I go out and will interact with people socially, I choose slightly different clothing than when I am staying home.

So when I am staying home, I usually wear blue jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt.

When I meet a friend for lunch or go to a Bible study, I will often wear black or gray jeans, and I am more likely to wear a casual sweater or a shirt that is a bit nicer. And nicer shoes. So I step up a level in my dress, but it's still not what I would likely wear to work if I were employed.

So, yes, I adapt my outfit choice a bit.

[Bambam]

Interesting question. I've never thought about it. I go to meet friends for lunch, and I've just always dressed like I always do.

I don't notice clothing much at all, so that may be why. 

[marbel]

I would dress up a little bit in that case.  I hate feeling like the frump in the room.

ETA: Sometimes for me, that can mean just mean changing my shoes.  Going from sneakers to a short boot with a heel, or even oxfords, can make a big difference in the way I feel.

Edited March 6, 2019 by marbel

[Arctic Bunny]

I would wear slacks/non-jeans, nice top, jewelry. Because it’s nice to dress up a bit, and there’s no need for friend to feel overdressed, either!

[marbel]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

The restaurant is on the nicer end in an area that is overall on the upscale side.

As I think about this, it seems as though I don’t want to be dressed as Homeschool Mom (not that I mean poorly dressed; just casually dressed) because I don’t want it to appear I’m her client. (I know, I know...appear to whom? Who’s looking at two ladies at lunch and pigeon-holing thier purpose?) I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

I missed this before.  Curious about this - how would being dressed differently affect how you are viewed?  If you are wearing jeans and she is in business attire, what relationship would that signal?  And, as you said, who is watching and what difference does it make?

Seems like you are overthinking this.  It's one thing to try to figure out how to dress so as to be comfortable yourself - in this situation, it's not like you also need to consider others' comfort, such as fitting in with the other guests at a wedding - but quite another to start wondering how people will view your relationship..

Dress how you like best, and go enjoy your lunch with a friend!  Think of those of us (maybe I'm the only one, but bet not) with no one to go out to lunch with no matter what we wore!  :-)

Edited March 6, 2019 by marbel

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, marbel said:

I missed this before.  Curious about this - how would being dressed differently affect how you are viewed?  If you are wearing jeans and she is in business attire, what relationship would that signal?  And, as you said, who is watching and what difference does it make?

Seems like you are overthinking this.  It's one thing to try to figure out how to dress so as to be comfortable yourself - in this situation, it's not like you also need to consider others' comfort, such as fitting in with the other guests at a wedding - but quite another to start wondering how people will view your relationship..

Dress how you like best, and go enjoy your lunch with a friend!  Think of those of us (maybe I'm the only one, but bet not) with no one to go out to lunch with no matter what we wore!  🙂

Oh, you know me, @marbel; overthinking things is like my job! 

Caveat: what follows is gonna sound weird. Ready? Clothing conveys power and position. I think that is what it comes down to. If I feel like our unequal positions in life are so obvious from our dress, it will probably change how I interact with her. There’s some psychological coding in there for me about being inferior.

It’s similar to an odd requirement I had when I was dating many moons ago. I did not go for very tall/big guys. It wasn’t attractive to me because I (literally) did not feel equal. I felt like a little girl. I guess I equated it with my dad, who is well over six feet tall. So any guy who was tall like my dad didn’t really have a chance; I wasn’t comfortable. 

So. That’s the long, introspective story about why I think this matters to me. I think I need to feel equal to her and if she is dressed like a power professional and I am dressed like a homeschool mom, I don’t feel equal. 

I hope I don’t regret sharing my weird psychology. Oh well. There’s always “delete”. Haha. 

[NorthwestMom]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

The restaurant is on the nicer end in an area that is overall on the upscale side.

As I think about this, it seems as though I don’t want to be dressed as Homeschool Mom (not that I mean poorly dressed; just casually dressed) because I don’t want it to appear I’m her client. (I know, I know...appear to whom? Who’s looking at two ladies at lunch and pigeon-holing thier purpose?) I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

I encourage you not to think about how you appear to outsiders. Who cares what strangers think? Wear what YOU normally wear. The part that matters is the friendship, not how you might align in your wardrobes. 

[Katy]

It's always better to be overdressed and under accessorized than the reverse.

In the scenario you describe I'd wear a simple jersey dress (comfortable as yoga pants but more presentable) or a preppier khakis or cords with a layered button down, sweater, and gold knot earrings. Not business exactly but casual upper middle class, and dressier than jeans.

[lavender's green]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

It's always better to be overdressed and under accessorized than the reverse.

In the scenario you describe I'd wear a simple jersey dress (comfortable as yoga pants but more presentable) or a preppier khakis or cords with a layered button down, sweater, and gold knot earrings. Not business exactly but casual upper middle class, and dressier than jeans.

This is what I would wear. I have those things in my closet, and they speak to who I really am. I personally wouldn't feel myself in business attire. I also think it puts you on a more equal level, per Quill's post about clothing and power, but without acting/looking like you're something you're not.

[Arcadia]

I understand about power dressing. My MIL and BIL’s wife get snubbed by boutique sales ladies (but not the salesmen) often enough that MIL doesn’t dare to walk into a boutique even if it’s Tiffany. I think aura matters as much as dressing though because my SIL (DH’s sister, ETA: ex Air Force) and I have walked into Cartier dressed in polo shirts and jeans and didn’t get snubbed.

Edited March 6, 2019 by Arcadia

[gardenmom5]

depends on the restaurant.  (fast food type joints, I'd wear jeans.)

I would probably wear slacks, and even put on some jewelry. it's not weird at all.

[Storygirl]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I missed this before.  Curious about this - how would being dressed differently affect how you are viewed?  If you are wearing jeans and she is in business attire, what relationship would that signal?  And, as you said, who is watching and what difference does it make?

Seems like you are overthinking this.  It's one thing to try to figure out how to dress so as to be comfortable yourself - in this situation, it's not like you also need to consider others' comfort, such as fitting in with the other guests at a wedding - but quite another to start wondering how people will view your relationship..

Dress how you like best, and go enjoy your lunch with a friend!  Think of those of us (maybe I'm the only one, but bet not) with no one to go out to lunch with no matter what we wore!  🙂

You are not the only one, marbel!! I do go to lunch with friends occasionally, but it is extremely rare. A couple of times per year, perhaps. I am not very social and have few friends. (This is not a sad statement. I am an introvert and don't need a wide circle of friends, though I'd like to widen it a little at my current stage of life).

Edited March 6, 2019 by Storygirl

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Oh, you know me, @marbel; overthinking things is like my job! 

<snip>

LOL, true.

And, I do get you. I have gone through similar thought processes myself.  That was what I was alluding to when I mentioned not wanting to be a frump.  The overthinking was about relationship signals to others, outsiders. 

So, if I go to the city, even just to walk around Philadelphia, where who the heck cares about anything, I hate wearing jeans and sneakers. Non-denim jeans-style pants, fine; casual shoes fine - I'm not wearing heels to wander the city, I won't go so far as to completely sacrifice comfort.  But I feel like such suburban frump in jeans and athletic/running shoes/sneakers. 

So I would dress "up" a little for your lunch.  I'd say something different if you were meeting at Chick Fil A with kids in tow to eat chicken nuggets and run around in the play place.

Edited March 6, 2019 by marbel

[Bootsie]

What I would wear would depend upon the restaurant, the weather,, the and what else I was doing that day.  I would probably take the opportunity to get out o my usual routine and wear something else a bit nicer than jeans, but that would be simply because it would make it a bit more "special" to me.  If it were a fancy business lunch restaurant I would dress up more where my friend is used to taking clients I would maybe dress up more, just because I would not want my friend to stand out as the only one in the restaurant who has brought a guest in jeans.  Or, if I were a professional, and it were may day off, but I was going to lunch at a place I might often lunch as a professional and see some of my colleagues, I would dress up more.  

[SKL]

Pretty sure I have been in this situation, and I dressed in my normal jeans outfit, but I felt uncomfortable about it.  I think you may feel more comfortable if there isn't a huge contrast in the way you and your lunch date look.

[Selkie]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Caveat: what follows is gonna sound weird. Ready? Clothing conveys power and position. I think that is what it comes down to. If I feel like our unequal positions in life are so obvious from our dress, it will probably change how I interact with her. There’s some psychological coding in there for me about being inferior.

It’s similar to an odd requirement I had when I was dating many moons ago. I did not go for very tall/big guys. It wasn’t attractive to me because I (literally) did not feel equal. I felt like a little girl. I guess I equated it with my dad, who is well over six feet tall. So any guy who was tall like my dad didn’t really have a chance; I wasn’t comfortable. 

So. That’s the long, introspective story about why I think this matters to me. I think I need to feel equal to her and if she is dressed like a power professional and I am dressed like a homeschool mom, I don’t feel equal. 

I hope I don’t regret sharing my weird psychology. Oh well. There’s always “delete”. Haha. 

Re. clothing conveying power and position - I agree that many people do try to signal those things through their clothing choices. However, the truly wealthy and powerful people I know dress very plainly and clearly don't spend much time, money, or energy on clothes.

[Garga]

Dress up!  It’s fun and you don’t get to do it very often.  Don’t go full-on business, but go semi-business.  Wear airport traveling clothes.  People are always dressed so nicely at the airport.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think it's more typical to dress based on the venue.  I wouldn't spend any time at all considering whether or not people would think I'm a client or not, but then I'm not a status oriented or status conscious person.  I don't care about what status signals I send due to a combination of my religious beliefs and personality. I do think it's appropriate to dress according to the social norm of the venue, but it's not a big deal if there's a mismatch. I wouldn't go out of my to wear casual attire to a fancy restaurant or formal wear to a casual restaurant if I had a realistic option of choosing.  The only time I was dressed very differently than the norm at the venue was when I was in downtown PHX for a performance at the Orpheum Theater dressed in an evening gown, but to our surprise there were no restaurants in the area at that time that were a good match except for one that was booked in advance and we were given tickets at the last minute, so we ate at a sports bar because it was that or fast food.  They have since done some revitalization downtown, so there are more options. Oh well, life happens.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

@Quill, you're a dedicated, conscientious, highly intelligent homeschool Mum. You're also insightful, kind and ever so witty. This is all so clear from all of your posts I've read over the years.

Be yourself, hold your head high, and be proud of the incredibly important job you do so well.

 

PS I'd love the opportunity to have lunch with you sometime, and I'd be in awe of you even if you turned up in your jammies.

 

 

[Garga]

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the Ren Fest in Maryland with my group of 40-something year old friends?  There were 6 or 7 of us and we all dressed up in costumes.  They dressed as generic wenches, but I wore my fierce pirate costume.  (It wasn’t this one, but looked a lot like it: https://www.costumesupercenter.com/products/womens-pirate-vixen-coat-black-costume?via=5740cabb69702d47f80151b1%2C5740cac469702d47f8015ed4%2C5b2a9d3d69702d0ba201a975)

The plan was to stop at fast food somewhere on the way home (ended up being in Lansdowne.)

What no one told me was that they all brought normal clothes to change into after the Ren Fest and before the fast food restaurant.  I was the only one who had to keep wearing her costume.

I went to Taco Bell in full-on fierce pirate mode.  Not the drive through.  We went in to sit and eat.  Apparently men are very intrigued by women who show up at Taco Bell in pirate costumes.  I’ve never been flirted with in a fast food restaurant more.  

So, don’t wear your pirate costume to lunch, especially in Lansdowne.  😜

 

Edited March 6, 2019 by Garga

[Lori D.]

How about compromising? Jeans, but a slightly nicer/dressier blouse or top? People at the restaurant only see the top half of you anyways, as the bottom half is under the table -- and if it's a more upscale restaurant there's often a tablecloth hanging down that totally obscures your lower half. 😉

Edited March 6, 2019 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

... Wear airport traveling clothes...

Wah! The way they pack you into the airplane like uncomfortably tight like sardines, you definitely need to wear your comfy clothes to fly any more! ;)

[marbel]

1 hour ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

@Quill, you're a dedicated, conscientious, highly intelligent homeschool Mum. You're also insightful, kind and ever so witty. This is all so clear from all of your posts I've read over the years.

Be yourself, hold your head high, and be proud of the incredibly important job you do so well.

PS I'd love the opportunity to have lunch with you sometime, and I'd be in awe of you even if you turned up in your jammies.

All of this, and.... awesome hair.  Who cares what you wear, everyone is looking at/envying your hair.  

:-) :-)

[Farrar]

Going out without my children is basically my reason for getting out of my pajamas.

But also, I had lunch in the Senate cafeteria with a friend the other day in a torn T-shirt. So I may not be an authority about this.

[Guest]

@chocolate-chip chooky and @marbel aww, you guys are so sweet! 

I’m so glad I wore what I wore! So, here’s the first thing that happened: I was parking the car and a lady walked in ahead of me in slacks and heels. That was my first moment thinking, “Oh, good! So glad I wore slacks and booties!” Also, once inside, people are all dressed rather nicely. Numerous people are in business attire and most are dressed on the nicer side. 

Anyway, in the end, I got something of a job proposal from my friend. She wants a writer to write for her social media marketing. She knows my writing and asked if I might be interested. After lunch, we walked to her office and I met others at her office. So glad I was dressed up some! 

[Arctic Bunny]

@Quill Love this!

[Liz CA]

11 hours ago, Quill said:

The restaurant is on the nicer end in an area that is overall on the upscale side.

As I think about this, it seems as though I don’t want to be dressed as Homeschool Mom (not that I mean poorly dressed; just casually dressed) because I don’t want it to appear I’m her client. (I know, I know...appear to whom? Who’s looking at two ladies at lunch and pigeon-holing thier purpose?) I think I just want to appear as two friends and it feels like I should be dressed more similarly to her for that to happen. 

 

Denim Jumper? And...are you taking the job?

Edited March 6, 2019 by Liz CA

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

Denim Jumper? And...are you taking the job?

Most likely. I don’t have the least idea how the logistics will go or what the pay will be (or even what the pay should be); I’m not sure she really knows, either. I’ll see her tommorow at something we’re both attending, so she said she would figure out some of those details and propose something to me. 

[Katy]

Yay!!! Hopefully the details work out to be better than that of a school secretary.

[Catwoman]

Yay!!! Congratulations on the new opportunity! Even if you end up not taking it, it’s so nice to be asked!!! 

[MaBelle]

Girl.  Wear what you want and strut it.  It's all about the attitude.

Whoops, too late.  Glad it worked for you.

Edited March 7, 2019 by MaBelle

[Ausmumof3]

edited because I just read your update and it sounds like you nailed it!

Edited March 7, 2019 by Ausmumof3

[Guest]

5 hours ago, StellaM said:

Oh, it I'd known there was work on the table, I'd definitely have suggested dressing up!

Well, I didn’t know there was work on the table, but I am trying to vibe out “hirable”. Since I am nearing the close of the homeschooling chapter of my life, I have been putting out feelers or setting up potential work opportunities. Maybe that was really why I felt I should not go dressed as homeschool mom. I’m laying groundwork to be something else.