So we had another court date yesterday - ANOTHER update

[Home'scool]

This time we were there to (a) try and get my weekly alimony increased because he is making $100K more this year than last year and (b) to have the alimony taken directly out of his paycheck because for the last year and a half he has not personally sent one check. It all has come from his half of the profit of selling our house.

It was a weird day. We did not have our usual judge, we had a new interim judge. She seemed a lot more engaged in the details so perhaps that will be good.

My STBX met with his lawyer before we went into court, and I think that is when he told him that he has not paid alimony in the last 5 weeks because his share of the profits have been depleted. I think that is also when his attorney realized my STBX owes him close to $30,000 for legal fees and has not paid yet. His attorney seemed all flustered and uptight. He did a terrible job presenting their side. He had to say that he did not know my STBX has not paid me for 5 weeks - that just makes him look bad in front of the judge. I would not be surprised if this lawyer fired my STBX. His last lawyer fired him for not doing what the court ordered and for not paying her. 

One of their more stupid and unkind arguments is that my STBX has only been making this level of salary for the last 10 years or so, but for the majority of the marriage he was not making so much and that I should not benefit from his continued hard work. REALLY?!?! I just can't even believe in this day and age that argument is still being used.

I finally had an opportunity to speak though! One of their arguments is that my STBX paid the college tuition for our younger daughter and that I was supposed to pay half of that and didn't and therefore owe him $18,000. The judge pointed at me and said "I want to hear about this $18,000." I stood up and said "Yes, he paid the tuition, but I paid her monthly rent at $540 a month, her utilities, all her uninsured health costs and once she graduated she lived with me for 6 months and I paid all the expenses. It totals well over $15,000 and I have the documentation to prove all of it." When you tell the truth there really is no need to "prepare" an answer or be ready for tricks. The truth is the truth and can be explained plainly.

I did find out where his is living -- he has a beautiful apartment in the city, close to his job, with tons of windows and two balconies. But when I got home last night I looked around my small but cozy home, with my sister living next door and my cat snoozing on the couch, and know that I am so much happier and at peace than he is. He just reminds me of the term "failure to thrive". He looks gray and pinched and very, very angry. 

So now we wait for her ruling. It could be a week, it could be six weeks. But she did admonish us for this case taking so long. She made a point of saying it has dragged on for too long. Perhaps, maybe, just possibly this will have an effect and we could wrap things up? I don't know...... narcissists do not give up until everything is ruined. 

I heard a beautiful quote over the weekend that I kept repeating while I was sitting in court. I am not doing the quote justice because I don't remember it verbatim, but I went something like "God knows you are out of strength, He knows you are weary and cannot continue the fight. He is not asking you to be strong. He is asking you to be still. To be still and know that He is God."

Update: The interim judge denied everything (the increased alimony and garnishing his wages so I can get a weekly alimony check.) I think she just rubber-stamped it through because it is such a balled-up mess. I am not so concerned about the increase in alimony because this is still just temporary order stuff, but I was really hoping she would request that the alimony be taken directly out of his paycheck. Now I don't know when I will get a check. 

I guess now I have to take him back to court AGAIN and ask for contempt charges. The interim judge did order us to participate in mediation with a retired judge, but I don't know if that is a "have to". I worry that a new judge will make a stupid decision.

I just can't believe he has gotten away with not personally paying alimony for so long. 

Update #2:  just received notice that his 3rd lawyer has now dumped him. I don't know if it is because he owes the lawyer $40,000 or because he refuses to listen to and follow the lawyer's professional advice. I don't know how this will affect everything except for just causing more delays. ?

 

Edited October 12, 2018 by Home'scool

[PrincessMommy]

This sounds like perhaps a positive outcome is close?   I'm glad you got to speak and I'm glad his lawyer sucked... you get what you pay for - right?   I hope a verdict comes sooner than 6 weeks.

I loved the quote.  

 

 

[Soror]

Oh, that sounds promising. I hope the end is near and you have the good resolution you deserve.

[TravelingChris]

It does sound like you may have a good outcome.  And I needed that Bible verse this morning.

[Garga]

I hope so much this will end soon.  May that judge be fair and clear-minded and see the truth.

[freesia]

Did his visit to your lawyer get brought up?

I, too, hope this is wrapped up soon.  

[Carol in Cal.]

This is good stuff.

Do you feel safe?  This is the crisis point at which he has got to know that he is going to lose.  That can be the most dangerous time.  Sorry to say.

[LucyStoner]

How frustrating that she couldn’t rule on these matters right away.  Here when we go to court for my brother’s divorce, they make their decisions right from the bench.  I will admit I appreciate seeing the defeated look on my  STBX BIL’s face when he loses his crazy stupid motions time in and time out.  

I’m confident it will go your way. You are right, you are better off than him and better off without him!  

Edited September 25, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Home'scool]

Quote

Do you feel safe?  This is the crisis point at which he has got to know that he is going to lose.  That can be the most dangerous time.  Sorry to say.

I feel somewhat safe but am still hyper-vigilant of checking my surroundings. He has never been violent but these last 3 years have been a real lesson in "never say never"

[Home'scool]

Quote

Did his visit to your lawyer get brought up?

Unfortunately, no. There were too many other things to bring up

[displace]

Wishing you all the best.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Miss Tick]

That sounds reasonably satisfying. I hope you get a positive response from the judge.

[freesia]

I wonder if it's appropriate for your lawyer to somehow inform the judge of the visit.

[Hannah]

Hoping for a speedy and positive response from the judge.

[Mary in VA]

On 9/25/2018 at 10:39 AM, Home'scool said:

I heard a beautiful quote over the weekend that I kept repeating while I was sitting in court. I am not doing the quote justice because I don't remember it verbatim, but I went something like "God knows you are out of strength, He knows you are weary and cannot continue the fight. He is not asking you to be strong. He is asking you to be still. To be still and know that He is God."

 

I am so sorry you have had to go through all this! (((Hugs)))

Thank you so much for sharing this quote, I so needed to hear that today!

[Mothersweets]

It sounds like it went reasonably well. ? I sure hope you get a quick response from the judge. ((hugs))

[QueenCat]

22 hours ago, freesia said:

I wonder if it's appropriate for your lawyer to somehow inform the judge of the visit.

 

I'm stunned her lawyer didn't do this prior to the hearing.

[mom@shiloh]

Praying for the best for you, and hugs. 

[madteaparty]

Don’t pelt me with rocks, but they may be correct, legally speaking, on his future earnings. You may not be entitled to them. It sucks, it all sucks, it’s a big problem when one has supported a spouse in their career and just as it takes off, they get divorced.  I think generally spousal support has gotten much worse lately. 

again, I’m not a family law attorney, I’ve never set foot on a courtroom as an attorney and family law varies by state anyway (and what a spouse is awarded varies within the state too!) You are within your rights to petition for future earnings, but just be prepared you might get denied. 

Edited September 27, 2018 by madteaparty

[Ravin]

16 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

Don’t pelt me with rocks, but they may be correct, legally speaking, on his future earnings. You may not be entitled to them. It sucks, it all sucks, it’s a big problem when one has supported a spouse in their career and just as it takes off, they get divorced.  I think generally spousal support has gotten much worse lately. 

again, I’m not a family law attorney, I’ve never set foot on a courtroom as an attorney and family law varies by state anyway (and what a spouse is awarded varies within the state too!) You are within your rights to petition for future earnings, but just be prepared you might get denied. 

 

As I read it, the issue wasn't his future earnings, it was his recent earnings over the past decade which was part of the marriage.

The judge is right that it has been drawn out too long--but it's entirely one side's fault and I hope she sees that as she goes over the case history. Likely settlement negotiation details aren't included in what she sees, so it may not be super obvious.

Edited September 27, 2018 by Ravin

[madteaparty]

1 hour ago, Ravin said:

 

As I read it, the issue wasn't his future earnings, it was his recent earnings over the past decade which was part of the marriage.

The judge is right that it has been drawn out too long--but it's entirely one side's fault and I hope she sees that as she goes over the case history. Likely settlement negotiation details aren't included in what she sees, so it may not be super obvious.

He has been moved out and IME think all settlements, etc go as of date of separation. I hope I’m wrong, obviously 

[Home'scool]

Quote

 

Don’t pelt me with rocks, but they may be correct, legally speaking, on his future earnings. You may not be entitled to them. It sucks, it all sucks, it’s a big problem when one has supported a spouse in their career and just as it takes off, they get divorced.  I think generally spousal support has gotten much worse lately. 

again, I’m not a family law attorney, I’ve never set foot on a courtroom as an attorney and family law varies by state anyway (and what a spouse is awarded varies within the state too!) You are within your rights to petition for future earnings, but just be prepared you might get denied. 

 

I offered him a settlement of 35% of his current salary and not going after his future bonuses. If i can get 35% of his current salary I can live quite happily. Then I don't care if he makes a billion dollars -- I don't want the hassle of going after him every few years for an increase in his salary. 

Of course he ignored the offer.

[Home'scool]

Update in first post ?

 

[Lawana]

I am so sorry to hear of the latest development. Please know I am rooting for you and believe in you and your worth, no matter what STBX says or does or is awarded by the court. 

[alisoncooks]

Those judges are @sshats. Seriously.

I don't necessarily believe in karma, but I hope he gets what's coming to him. 

[Soror]

I can't even believe this. Is he paying off the judges? It just makes no sense to me. I'm so sorry.

[Home'scool]

It makes no sense to me either. I think what happened is that this was an interim judge, she saw how much of a mess this is, and just got frustrated and ordered us to mediation. She seemed very frustrated by us when we were there, but on the other hand THIS IS HER JOB!.

I am just so sick of this. Now I don't know when I will get another check from him, so while he is getting paid 5K a week, I am on financial lockdown. I am assuming (and hoping) that it will all catch up in the end but right now ..... it's scary ?

 

[maize]

Ugh it sounds like you need your regular judge back.

[scholastica]

I can understand denying the increase, but no garnishment? That’s just insane! And mediation with your STBX is going to go nowhere. I’m sorry you’re continuing to deal with this.

[LucyStoner]

On 9/25/2018 at 7:39 AM, Home'scool said:

Update: The interim judge denied everything (the increased alimony and garnishing his wages so I can get a weekly alimony check.) I think she just rubber-stamped it through because it is such a balled-up mess. I am not so concerned about the increase in alimony because this is still just temporary order stuff, but I was really hoping she would request that the alimony be taken directly out of his paycheck. Now I don't know when I will get a check. 

I guess now I have to take him back to court AGAIN and ask for contempt charges. The interim judge did order us to participate in mediation with a retired judge, but I don't know if that is a "have to". I worry that a new judge will make a stupid decision.

I just can't believe he has gotten away with not personally paying alimony for so long. 

 

I’m wondering if filing for contempt when mediation has been ordered will backfire on you.  

How soon can an attempt for mediation start?  Since he’s not going to cooperate with mediation it seems like what you need to get this to trial ASAP is for the judge who does the mediation see the futility and send it back to court.  

[Mothersweets]

On 9/25/2018 at 7:39 AM, Home'scool said:

 

Update: The interim judge denied everything (the increased alimony and garnishing his wages so I can get a weekly alimony check.) I think she just rubber-stamped it through because it is such a balled-up mess. I am not so concerned about the increase in alimony because this is still just temporary order stuff, but I was really hoping she would request that the alimony be taken directly out of his paycheck. Now I don't know when I will get a check. 

I guess now I have to take him back to court AGAIN and ask for contempt charges. The interim judge did order us to participate in mediation with a retired judge, but I don't know if that is a "have to". I worry that a new judge will make a stupid decision.

I just can't believe he has gotten away with not personally paying alimony for so long. 

Dang it! I'm sorry this judge denied the alimony. ? How frustrating!

[extendedforecast]

So sorry to read the update. I know mediation is pointless, but if you make the effort, at least you can say that you’ve done what was asked by the judge. Is there a way to get it fast-tracked to trial?

[Home'scool]

I got the impression that the judge thought we were just being annoying with endless back and forth. I think if she had really read the paperwork she would have ruled differently on the garnishment issue, but maybe because she was the interim judge she just didn't take the time. It was a waste of time and money for sure.

I cannot imagine where I would be if I didn't have my sister's home to live in! I would literally be out on the streets without the ability to pay rent anywhere. When all of this is all over I (should be) fine, but it just baffles me what courts think people do in this situation if they aren't as lucky as I am. 

My STBX keeps whining that he cannot afford anything but he just moved to a $4,000 a month condo in the city. He can't be too worried about money.

But, this weekend both my girls will be home for a visit, so I will be surrounded by love, laughter and family and he will be alone in his fancy condo with his money. I wouldn't trade places for anything.

 

[Home'scool]

I just received notice that his 3rd lawyer has now dumped him. I don't know if it is because he owes the lawyer $40,000 or because he refuses to listen to and follow the lawyer's professional advice. I don't know how this will affect everything except for just causing more delays. ?

 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Home'scool said:

I just received notice that his 3rd lawyer has now dumped him. I don't know if it is because he owes the lawyer $40,000 or because he refuses to listen to and follow the lawyer's professional advice. I don't know how this will affect everything except for just causing more delays. ?

 

He really is a piece of work.  Isn't there a limit to this type of nonsense before a judge says NO MORE. ?

[Katy]

26 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

OH MY SWEET CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

 

How are the judges not noticing this guy pays nothing, runs through legal counsel like toilet paper after chili dogs, and makes five times what you do while complaining about what you supposedly don’t pay?

 

Like, at some point surely this has to factor in?  I keep secretly hoping he cheats on his taxes or something the government will actually give a damn about and then REACT APPROPRIATELY TO.

 

Let's face it, someone this unethical probably DOES cheat on his taxes.  But we don't want them to discover that until OP gets what she deserves.  Then send him to prison.

[AmandaVT]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

Ok, I have all along thought your xh on the crazy side, but now I am starting to think he is executing a long term strategic plan to exhaust and frustrate you. 

I’m no lawyer, but is there any sort of (non-divorce itself) suit you could file that would allow you to claim harassment and have a full record of his antics brought before the court? Or is this just a matter that means you sit tight and wait for trial? Do he and his attorneys need to be called out on ethics violations? Time wasted in the court violations?

If you just have to sit tight and wait, if I were you, I’d really be tempted to hire a PI to gather more info on his activities in the interim. 

I’m really sorry this is not all over and done with for you. Like Katy, I suspect that when the veil is fully pulled back, there’s going to be a lot of ick underneath and he will come to a really bad end. But we want you squared away with ties cut first!

 

I love these ideas. What does your lawyer think? It seems like his antics have to be a violation of something!

[Murphy101]

On 10/12/2018 at 11:09 AM, Scarlett said:

He really is a piece of work.  Isn't there a limit to this type of nonsense before a judge says NO MORE. ?

 

Right?  OP - have you asked your lawyer if there is anything you can do to help put an end to this nonsense?  Or at least to make it very not worth his while to keep doing it?

I second the PI and maybe hire a financial investigator to help prove your case if that’s possible for you. 

Edited October 15, 2018 by Murphy101

[Home'scool]

Quote

 

Ok, I have all along thought your xh on the crazy side, but now I am starting to think he is executing a long term strategic plan to exhaust and frustrate you. 

I’m no lawyer, but is there any sort of (non-divorce itself) suit you could file that would allow you to claim harassment and have a full record of his antics brought before the court? Or is this just a matter that means you sit tight and wait for trial? Do he and his attorneys need to be called out on ethics violations? Time wasted in the court violations?

If you just have to sit tight and wait, if I were you, I’d really be tempted to hire a PI to gather more info on his activities in the interim. 

I’m really sorry this is not all over and done with for you. Like Katy, I suspect that when the veil is fully pulled back, there’s going to be a lot of ick underneath and he will come to a really bad end. But we want you squared away with ties cut first!

 

I have been doing a lot of reading on divorcing a narcissist, and he is fitting the pattern like a glove.This sums it up pretty well:

“There are patterns to dealings with a narcissist in settlement negotiations. They make low ball offers or offers that are patently objectionable. They fail to respond to all aspects of the proposal so that there are always bargaining chips to be used to stall the negotiation or begin at the beginning again, and they fail to respond to the matters presented. Do not expect any good faith dealings. They lack the ability to negotiate towards a middle ground; they will likely keep stating the same position over and over again, even when the facts and circumstances have changed.”

I have not asked my lawyer about going after him for pulling such stupid antics. I have, each and every time, filed a contempt order for non-payment of alimony but he always seems to squeak by. So far he has been able to settle the alimony debt by having it taken out of his half of the profits from the sale of the house, but now his half is gone. And I think if we had my regular judge, instead of the interim judge we had the last time, the court finally would have had the alimony taken directly out of his paycheck. The interim judge really dropped the ball ... I think she just saw a very tangled case and just pushed it off for the regular judge to handle. 

I have also debated hiring a PI just to see what he is up to, but since I know where he lives and works, etc., and do not care if he is dating, I'm not really sure what an investigator would be able to dig up without it getting really expensive on my part. 

It is my hope that in the end all of this will be laid out in front of the judge and it will be resolved. Our final date, if nothing can be resolved by then, is May 2019. I just  worry because I cannot forsee a day when he will just pay what he is ordered to without being a pain in the butt. I am more than willing to have him spend some time in jail if he refuses court orders. 

I will email my attorney today, though, inquiring about having this newest development brought to the court's attention and see if we cannot speed things up a bit. I am now going into week 12 with no alimony. I work and get a paycheck every week but it is just enough to keep my head above water and every week gets harder and harder to do that.