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My mom (an offshoot of Angela's post)

Cindy in FL.
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Cindy in FL.

Cindy in FL.

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My mom, who struggled with alcoholism for 30 years, was found dead on Saturday. I buried her yesterday (in the same grave as my only sibling, who died 13 years ago). I feel as though I were sucked into a black hole only to emerge into a reality that I don't want to deal with.

 

I couldn't believe it when I came on the board this morning and read Angela's post about her mom. I could have written those words myself. I feel totally alone and lost without my mom despite the fact that our relationship was not what I wanted it to be.

 

I would truly appreciate any advice from those who have travelled this road on how to get through the days to come.

 

Cindy

Edited by Cindy in FL.
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jacqui in mo

jacqui in mo

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:grouphug:. My father died last summer. He was a good dad although I'm not sure I could say I was extremely close to him. Grief is a product of time. You can't hurry and get your grief over with. Each person is different. You cry. You mope. You regret. You miss them. You feel angry. You wish it hadn't been this way.

 

It helped me to write things down I was thinking/feeling (& I'm not usually one to journal). I also read a general book on grief and that helped me feel my feelings, if that makes sense. (I tend to hold my feelings in too much, especially sadness). Also, don't be afraid to talk about your mom with your family. Sometimes we want to avoid the mention of the deceased person to keep from hurting, but it is actually healing to talk. It also helped me to read through some of my Dad's bible, to see what he had underlined.

 

Just know whatever you're feeling now and in the days to come is normal. It's hard to have to go through, but it's something we all end up having to do.

:grouphug:

 

I, myself, am bracing for the upcoming holidays. I expect to feel all these things all over again. My dh asked me when my parents were coming up to our house for T,giving. Just that little phrase, "my parents coming", hit me hard.:grouphug:

Edited by jacqui in mo
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Frontier Mom

Frontier Mom

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I answered about my Mom in Angela's post but I don't really have advice to give you, only prayers. I will say that I recently read the book "The Blessing" by Gary Smalley and, though I read it for blessing my children, I found myself defined in the book. Generally, we all have a desire for that blessing from our parents and, when we don't get it for various reasons, we live out our lives in search of that missing blessing even into our adult lives. In my family's case, they only gave the blessing to my brother - the namesake that carries on their last name (in their own words). I saw many of the things I deal with as an adult through his descriptions of this in the book. He also talks about other ways we miss the blessing - as with your Mom who was an alcoholic.

 

If you haven't read this, I would highly recommend it to you. He is much more qualified to help you through this time than I am. The main thing I walked away with was the ways of blessing your own children laid out in the book. Although I can never change the type of Mom I have, I can certainly change the Mom I am to my own children so they don't have to deal with the baggage throughout life. Realizing her lack of "fairness" to me and my children is not something I can change has given me an unbelievable freedom.

 

Remember, you are loved and I will be in prayer for you.

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emeraldjoy

emeraldjoy

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I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Alchoholism is a destroyer and it grieves me that it destoyed your mothers life....and your childhood experience.

 

As a social worker, it never ceases to amaze me the bond between a child and her mother. Even in the roughest of circumstances the children always want to go home to their mothers, always.

 

I believe there is something sanctified in the relationship simply because that is how our creator intended it to be. The sancity is not lost because the parent is inadequate; there is still a holiness (if I may) to it and this should not be forgotten and always acknowledged.

 

The only words I know to give your are that the bad does not have to nullify the good. All of the bad stories, memories, happnenings, etc., do not have to make the good (even if very few and far between) meaningless. Hold on to the good as the truth and know that G-d's perfect way would have had this be your only experience and someday, it will be so.

 

Blessings to peace to you and your family during this time of loss and confusion. My heart is hurting for your heart.

I hope I made a little bit of sense here.

emerald

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Cindy in FL.

Cindy in FL.

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Emerald,

 

What you said really does capture it for me. There is a sanctity in the relationship. I think that is what makes it so difficult. Knowing that no one will ever be able to fill that spot. I feel that my mother was "mine" and would always be there when I needed her. Even in a sense that she HAD to be there when I needed her. Not from a perspective of self-centeredness on my part, but that that was part of being a mom.

 

I really appreciate the kindnesses of you and everyone who has responded.

 

Cindy

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unsinkable

unsinkable

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Cindy,

 

I am so sorry.

 

For practical matters, simplify your life as much as you can. Use paper plates and cups. Clean less. Buy more prepared meals. Conserve your energy in ways like this, to whatever extent you can. It seems like grief sucks the energy from you.

 

Take walks. Exercise. Hug your family.

 

Let yourself cry...tears of grief are cleansing.

 

When you can, write down happy memories. My parents were alcoholics who died when I was a teenager. I made a conscious effort recently to write positive, happy memories. Though I only had my dad for 16 years and my mom for 19, I found I have pages and pages of wonderful memories.

 

:grouphug:

 

God bless you!

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unsinkable

unsinkable

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:grouphug:. My father died last summer. He was a good dad although I'm not sure I could say I was extremely close to him. Grief is a product of time. You can't hurry and get your grief over with. Each person is different. You cry. You mope. You regret. You miss them. You feel angry. You wish it hadn't been this way.

 

It helped me to write things down I was thinking/feeling (& I'm not usually one to journal). I also read a general book on grief and that helped me feel my feelings, if that makes sense. (I tend to hold my feelings in too much, especially sadness). Also, don't be afraid to talk about your mom with your family. Sometimes we want to avoid the mention of the deceased person to keep from hurting, but it is actually healing to talk. It also helped me to read through some of my Dad's bible, to see what he had underlined.

 

Just know whatever you're feeling now and in the days to come is normal. It's hard to have to go through, but it's something we all end up having to do.

:grouphug:

 

I, myself, am bracing for the upcoming holidays. I expect to feel all these things all over again. My dh asked me when my parents were coming up to our house for T,giving. Just that little phrase, "my parents coming", hit me hard.:grouphug:

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry about your dad.

 

Writing is a great release, even for people who don't usually write. I found I had to let go of my perfectionism...complete sentences, proper punctuation, correct spelling...I decided to just make lists and it was really easy to make a list and not worry about it being "correct."

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love2read

love2read

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I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Not having checked the board this morning, I started a thread about this type of thing. I believe that when we don't have our mother's love or even worse, are rejected by her, we keep looking for that love elsewhere but can never really believe ourselves to be loveable. It seems to take us years just to become aware of that wound, of what we are doing and why we are doing it. My mother is old now and I'm past 50, yet nothing has changed despite some therapy about 15 years ago. The thread is here

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=67296

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lovemywhirlygirls

lovemywhirlygirls

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Cindy,

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I posted on Angela's thread that I had a similar story with my mom. The deep pain of the punctuation of death--the period at the end of the sentence of this earthly life--is searing. My mom died in 2002. My heart and soul have traveled many miles of anger, resentment, grief, confusion, forgiveness, understanding, compassion since then. The facts remain. She was not a great mom. She hurt me. She was withdrawn and disinterested. She could purpose herself to do/be whatever it took for alcohol, but couldn't pick up the phone to call me. She loved me. Yes, that's a fact, too. She didn't love me the way I felt I needed to be loved, but she did, in fact, love me.

 

I have journaled and cried, and sought counsel and journaled and cried and sought counsel etc. I've forgiven my mom her shortcomings. I am unable to forget them, but I have and I do forgive (some days I have to re-forgive). There are things I doubt I'll ever come to terms with (how or why she did/didn't do somethings), but there are more and more things, as I age and reach new stages in life as an individual and with my husband and kids and in my faith, that I can understand (even if I don't agree). I am coming into a place of compassion for her that is real. I pray that for you.

 

I also pray that you will do the work that a loss like this requires (over time). I will pray that you will find strength and comfort in unexpected places and that you will make space in your heart for the good things to bubble up. It's work to make that space, but well worth the effort.

 

I don't pretend to really know your heart. So as you read this, I pray that anything that is of worth will stay with you and the rest will fall away.

 

My thoughts and prayers will be with you in the coming days. I've added you to my prayer list. Hope you don't mind.

 

:grouphug:

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Cindy in FL.

Cindy in FL.

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I so appreciate all the encouragement. Part of my grief is guilt I feel for not being available for her when she would call. She called me every day at least once and usually 2-3

times. I was often short with her because I felt busy with the children.

 

Also, she died on Saturday and Sunday was my son's 13th birthday. This Saturday is my grandson's 1st birthday. Then the holidays come. My brother's (he's deceased)birthday is January 12 and my mom's is January 28th. I feel overwhelmed by the number of things coming up that will remind me of her not being here.

 

I think I'll try the journaling. It might be a good way to tell her things I neglected to say when I had the chance and to keep a sense of connection in the future.

 

Cindy

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ma23peas

ma23peas

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Cindy...

 

My first thought when you asked for help was to have you really look at your avatar. Wow! What a beautiful family..it says so much...that they were all willing to dress alike says much about their willingness to please you. That it was taken on a beautiful day means that you are blessed and managed to get your sons to stop soak in the beauty around them and bring forth a smile at the same time..do you know how hard it is to get 3 yet 4 children into one good picture?

 

But, then I read your comment about feeling guilty for not spending more time on the phone with her..well, Cindy..just the mere fact you forced yourself to answer the phone (I'm sure there are a few times you didn't) and say "Hello" meant the world to her..knowing that YOU were busy and doing what she ultimately wished she had the strength to do (be a present mom and give of herself) gave her such peace in knowing that God must have had mercy on her to give her a daughter that has embraced the role of motherhood.

 

My husband is the son of alcoholics and we have been 'disowned'...it would mean the world to my girls and son to know that their grandparents cared more for them than they do...we pray for them...I send cards every Christmas and let them know when we move...but we never hear a word from them. They've forbidden his sister to have any conversations with us or she's out of the will. I only know the side of the alcoholic that chooses the alcohol over the child...it's heartbreaking. You knew the side of an alcoholic who tried to show her love as best she could...and God raised you from that and blessed you with wisdom and a heart for your own children and GRAND child!! What a legacy you have created...that alone is a blessing to your mother...don't focus on what you wish your relationship wth mother may have been like, but be grateful for the moments you did have in spite of her addiction...

 

May you be comforted today!

Tara

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mcconnellboys

mcconnellboys

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I am sorry sometimes that parents are human and all too fallible. I am sorry that some of them cannot care for their children properly. But I am always awed and amazed at the strength of the human spirit to overcome any adversity, to live and grow and prosper despite perhaps great pain and suffering.

 

You have obviously done better by your own children than did your mother. In being a better person, you give meaning to her life. She did something good - through you. You are her legacy. Your children are your legacy - and hers.

 

I tell mine all the time that I hope they are better, finer people than me. I want them to be so much more than I have been able to be for them. And I want their children, in turn, to be better, finer people than them. I want our family to prosper, grow closer to God, be better human beings into the future.

 

She lives through you and your children. Every success you experience in life is a vicarious success for her. Her genes are in you. She will always be with you. When you make your life and those of your future family better, you honor her and erase some of the bad aura that surrounded her life. Love makes all that possible. Love makes all things possible: forgiveness, healing, anticipation of a better future - all things.

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brenda40

brenda40

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"My husband is the son of alcoholics and we have been 'disowned'...it would mean the world to my girls and son to know that their grandparents cared more for them than they do...we pray for them... , , , , , , , ,"

 

Tara

 

There has to be another side of the story. You often give detailed advice for others. "Alcoholics", "disowned" references to threats regarding a will, a possible assumption regarding his sibling, etc. seem a bit of a broadside. Maybe your dh has chosen not to give you the information you need for making an objective judgement. You give no reason other than demon alcohol as the culprit. Maybe some of us could help with advice for you if we knew dh's parents side of the story or even the attitude of dh. It would seem that this would be a concern of your husband to rectify, not your interference.

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PrairieAir

PrairieAir

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have much advice to offer, but I think I understand some of what you may be feeling.

 

My mom's mother died a few years ago. She was not a good mother or grandmother or wife. She was not a very good person in general and manipulated everyone in her life. She neglected those in her care, stole from her children and husband, and was guilty of emotional abuse. My mom went through periods of not speaking to her for years. My children only met her a handful of times and we were happy to keep it that way. My aunt, her oldest daughter and the most sane and normal person on that side of the family, refused to speak to her or have any contact with her for the last 20 years and contact was very limited for the 20 before that.

 

Still, my mom grieved when my grandmother died. The hardest thing for my mom was knowing that the relationship she had always wanted to have with her mother was never going to happen. It wouldn't have anyway, but as long as my grandmother was alive, my mom felt there was a chance.

 

The only advice I can give you is to cling tightly to your own family and determine to do things differently. It's too late to have that relationship with your mother and that was always beyond your control. It's not too late to have a good relationship with your children and for them to know how much you love them and will be there for them. :grouphug:

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Cindy in FL.

Cindy in FL.

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Good advice from all of you! I'm sure that a part of my grief lies in the death of the hope that the relationship would become what I needed/wanted it to be. I know that my mom loved me and that she was a flawed human being just like I am. She would never have wanted to hurt me. She was unable to conquer the "demon" of alcoholism in her life and I have to separate that from her love for me.

 

One positive (among many, I'm sure) in this is that I have gotten to see more of her through her family and friends. Talking to them gives me a more complete picture of who she was. She was a self-less, compassionate, generous, loyal and loving person. I can only hope to become more like her in those areas.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Cindy

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Aubrey

Aubrey

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For me, I had to look at the pain my dad's death caused & make a concious choice not to do that to my kids. At first, I had to make that choice over & over.

 

My dad was an alcoholic. He was depressed. He chose to die. Part of the reason? He'd just lost his dad.

 

Focus on making your story different. For me, I know my dad loved my sibs & me more than anything, & I know that the best way to honor him is to live differently. He got sucked into his emotions beyond what he felt he could control & lost his perspective. Sometimes I'm jealous of the easy way out. Most of the time I'm grateful for the example of what not to do.

 

:grouphug: Give yourself time & something healthy to focus on, to pull you out.

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mom26

mom26

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I am so sorry about your mom's death. 18 years ago, my Dad after being missing for several weeks, was found dead in a hotel due to his alcoholism...i so remember the shock and the mixed emotions (relief that we would no longer have to ride the emotional rollerskating of watching him kill himself with alcohol and indescribable 'pain in my heart' sadness) Then, guilt that I felt some relief, anger that he was not the kind of Dad I wanted etc...

 

I read a book called Mourning Song by Joyce Landorf--I just checked, it is still in print and available through Amazon...i can't remember much about the book right now but I do know it met me right where I was at. I can remember the grief hitting me like waves...sometimes out of the blue(like while grocery shopping!), it would just hit and I'd feel as if I was drowning--then just as quickly it would pass and I'd wonder ,"what was that about?" That is the nature of grief...it ebbs and flows--

 

Cry alot, talk it our with those close to you...I'm sure this new loss only brings up your sadness over the loss of your brother...I found that to be true--My Dad's death brought to the surface sadness over other losses...not necessarily through death ( my parent's divorce etc)

 

You will get through it--cling to the Lord...He is close to the broken hearted and to those who are crushed in spirit....

 

I'm so sorry,

Blessings,

kathi

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G5052

G5052

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Posted

It's a long, sad story, but my mom has battled mental illness most of her life and we're apparently on the edge of getting a diagnosis of terminal cancer soon. I've been blue for weeks over what might have been and what is coming. It's such a mixture of emotions!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Guest janainaz

Guest janainaz

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Posted (edited)

Ugh. I have no advice, but am so sorry. Your post made my own heart sink.

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in years, she's a mess. I have a mustard seed of faith for her, but go through the motions of getting a call like you received someday. I would be burying a woman who wasted her whole life and I can't begin to imagine the deep pain I would feel. I can't be around her because it hurts too deeply to see her suffering and know she chooses it. She was never a "mother" - I would not know what that is like to have one. Yet, I can be the one I wanted and somehow that gives me peace. But, I can imagine the deep loss I would feel in knowing that what could have been never had the chance. It's like a wasted life - it's difficult when you know the preciousness of it and yet you can't make them see it. Maybe the real pain is in knowing that you had so much love to give and the biggest hurt is that they simply could not receive it.

 

Somehow I feel like I would feel more peace knowing she was not here on this earth struggling in her flesh anymore. I pray God's mercy and grace for her. I know in her heart she's miserable. What I really want for her is freedom.

 

I hope your mother found that and I hope the pain you feel grounds you deeper in the truth that life is a gift and every day is precious.

 

I have learned a lot from my mothers mistakes and somehow seeing her misery has lit the path all the more for my own life.

 

I'm sorry more for you for the loss you experienced while she was here. And I know this life is not the end of the story.

Edited by janainaz
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