When You're the One Who Always Calls (long)

[duckabell]

How hard do you work to retain family relationships when it feels one-sided? I have a sister that I'm close to but lives in another state. I feel like I'm always the one to initiate the phone calls. If I call and she's not there, I'll leave a message and she'll usually call back. It just feels like she doesn't initiate the phone call. It leaves me wondering how much she cares about our relationship when she doesn't call me just to chat.

 

Last year I would call her once a week and we talked for 20-30 minutes. It's been a busy summer, but this fall I've been waiting to see how long until she calls me. I think I've called her twice since school started and one of those times I left a message but she didn't call back. Right now I'm waiting for her to call me.

 

I recognize some of the reasons she doesn't return my phone call: she's busy, she has lots of family (including my parents) in her town and can talk about personal things with them, I can be hard to know when to call because I work part-time, and my phone can be wonky. The thing is, I have other sisters who are far away and we trade off calling and it's not a big deal. If she can't get a hold of me, she could text me saying she tried to call and would love to catch up. She is good about texting on my kids' birthdays or personally calling me on my birthday.

 

I just feel like I might be losing the close relationship we had. She's the sister that is closest to me in age, and I consider her one of my best friends. I was also disappointed this summer because I was out where she lived, but we didn't have any one-on-one time without kids due to scheduling, holidays, and being with other family members. I would have loved just a few hours together, or even staying up chatting at night. I probably won't see her in person again for another 2-3 years.

 

I know I might be passive aggressive waiting for her to call me and feeling sad when she doesn't. It would just be hard for me to bring this up with her without seeming needy. The truth is she has close friends and family who are right there in town with her.  And I do have other friends and family members. Maybe I'm just mourning that we're at different stages and she doesn't need my companionship as much as I might want hers. Maybe she's just not a phone person as much as I am. I'm just wondering if I'm stubborn in not calling her and reading more into the relationship than I should. 

 

Would you still call a sibling or really close friend on a regular basis to maintain a relationship if they very rarely called you? 

[regentrude]

This is a normal experience for me. I am the one who initiates any contact with almost all friends back home and my sister. 

If I did not do that, there would be no contact. Since the contact is important to me more than to them, I reach out.

It's the fate of the one who moved away. The ones who stayed have each other.

ETA: I see them once a year, and they are all happy that I am there. But I don't hear anything throughout the year, even if I write. It has been 16 years.

Edited October 4, 2017 by regentrude

[Ravin]

Yeah, my dad is like this. I'm also like this, except I try not to be, so I call my dad on his birthday and father's day and Christmas and Thanksgiving usually. My mom I call when I realize she hasn't called in a long while--she used to call me more often. Which reminds me I need to call my mom.

 

My sisters I communicate with on FB  and with text. No one on any side tends to initiate phone conversations. But I'll spend plenty of time with them when I'm out there.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

FWIW, lots of people have a hard time staying in touch by phone when separated by long distances.  It doesn't mean they don't care.  They just aren't good at staying in touch this way.   If the relationship matters to you, I would continue to call.  You might even ask, though, if you could swap off calling so the cost isn't always on you (and so it won't feel so onesided). 

 

I have an older friend that has a sister that she no longer lives near.  They both get busy and forget to call so they decided to pick one specific day/time every couple of weeks where they call and talk.  They swap who does the calling.  One calls on the first Monday and the other calls on the third Monday at a specific time.  She sets an alarm in her phone so she won't forget.  Maybe you could suggest something like that to your sister and build in that time?

Edited October 4, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[OrganicJen]

It's really a personal thing but for me I don't work very hard if things are one sided. I think I feel like I only have so much time and energy to go around so I try to choose where it goes carefully and one sided relationships end up getting moved down the list unfortunately.

[Guest]

Well, I'm the flaky non-caller amongst my relatives and friends. Most often, the reasons are one or more of these:

 

a) I don't like to talk on the phone. I feel like it's hard to hear or maybe I just depend a lot on visual cues when I talk with people. I miss words or sentences or mistake meaning on the phone. I prefer to use calling only as a route to meeting in person, or else I would rather text.

 

b) I don't have a great need to discuss everything with others. I mostly process things through writing, which is probably why I love communities like this one. Besides internet communities, I've always been a journaller. I don't have as much of a need to discuss problems or issues with other people IRL. And some of that is because...

 

c) I don't like people knowing all my business. I don't have a great need to tell my best friend that I just had a giant fight with my husband over changing the ligtbulb or that my mom is annoying me by telling me about her dreams. I'd rather tell cyberfriends who don't know me and won't hold it against my husband next time they see him. ;)

 

d) Also, it just never seems like a good time to me. If I'm not busy myself and could call someone, nevertheless I convince myself that this is not a good time to call them. I think, "she's at work now," or, "she's probably getting her kids from school now," or, "she's probably unwinding now from a long day." I also have fears that maybe the person doesn't care to hear from me anyway. And then I am afraid I can't find a subject to talk about. Or I am worried that they will take a stance on some issue happening in the world that I see very differently and I don't want to talk about that thing. (This is THE main reason I haven't called a particular friend in a long while.)

 

In summary, I have a lot of issues with relationships and I'm really not good at navigating them. The phone is more difficult for me; it's like I'm blindfolded. I have had a few friends in my lifetime with whom I could talk on the phone very easily; we had a special rapport that made it where we practically knew each other's thoughts before they were said. But I haven't had that with anyone but DH in a long, long time. And my kids don't usually communicate by calling; we text. So I don't really have that smooth phone comunication with anyone at this time.

 

It is probable that your sister is fine with you being the main caller. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care to talk to you - although that could be true. So it will be up to you to decide if you cannot accept being the main caller or if you can accept that to keep whatever relationship you have.

[TheReader]

I have been on both sides of this with various family members over the years, and it's flip-flopped with various ones as we've each gone through seasons of being in different places (geographically, but I mean mentally, stages of life, etc.). 

 

Having been on both sides, yes, I would keep up contact on my end and assume the best, rather than the worst, from the one not calling. 

 

Playing that whole "waiting game" thing is just annoying and petty, and the one relative who does that to me, it makes me *less* inclined to call her when she does that. 

 

If I continued calling, writing/emailing/texting, interacting on FB, etc, for an extended period with zero response (no replies to texts or emails, no comments back on FB, no returned calls when I left a message, and curt, short or obviously making excuses to end phone calls) then I would consider tapering off. But so long as the conversations are pleasant when we have them, I'd keep it up. 

[Miss Tick]

Well, I'm the flaky non-caller amongst my relatives and friends. Most often, the reasons are one or more of these:

 

a) I don't like to talk on the phone. I feel like it's hard to hear or maybe I just depend a lot on visual cues when I talk with people. I miss words or sentences or mistake meaning on the phone. I prefer to use calling only as a route to meeting in person, or else I would rather text.

 

b) I don't have a great need to discuss everything with others. I mostly process things through writing, which is probably why I love communities like this one. Besides internet communities, I've always been a journaller. I don't have as much of a need to discuss problems or issues with other people IRL. And some of that is because...

 

c) I don't like people knowing all my business. I don't have a great need to tell my best friend that I just had a giant fight with my husband over changing the ligtbulb or that my mom is annoying me by telling me about her dreams. I'd rather tell cyberfriends who don't know me and won't hold it against my husband next time they see him. ;)

 

d) Also, it just never seems like a good time to me. If I'm not busy myself and could call someone, nevertheless I convince myself that this is not a good time to call them. I think, "she's at work now," or, "she's probably getting her kids from school now," or, "she's probably unwinding now from a long day." I also have fears that maybe the person doesn't care to hear from me anyway. And then I am afraid I can't find a subject to talk about. Or I am worried that they will take a stance on some issue happening in the world that I see very differently and I don't want to talk about that thing. (This is THE main reason I haven't called a particular friend in a long while.)

 

In summary, I have a lot of issues with relationships and I'm really not good at navigating them. The phone is more difficult for me; it's like I'm blindfolded. I have had a few friends in my lifetime with whom I could talk on the phone very easily; we had a special rapport that made it where we practically knew each other's thoughts before they were said. But I haven't had that with anyone but DH in a long, long time. And my kids don't usually communicate by calling; we text. So I don't really have that smooth phone comunication with anyone at this time.

 

It is probable that your sister is fine with you being the main caller. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care to talk to you - although that could be true. So it will be up to you to decide if you cannot accept being the main caller or if you can accept that to keep whatever relationship you have.

Quill you and I are like flaky non-calling twins. In addition to your reasons i often feel like I have nothing to say, just minor first world problems. Surely no-one else cares that I have lost track of my lifetime supply of blank notecards pushing me into existential thoughts about whether that perhaps means that I have actually died and this is all a weird dream. I like Onestepatatime's idea too, so you don't call me on the first Tuesday of the month and I won't call you on the third Thursday.

 

OP, in all seriousness, I am sorry this is causing you pain. I'm glad that you realize that the passive approach to the issue is not a good long term solution. If the relationship is important to you to maintain, I suggest asking her if there is a particular day/time that works best for her because it is important to you to maintain contact.

Edited October 4, 2017 by SusanC

[Alice]

I HATE talking on the phone. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Even when dh and I were dating long-distance we talked on the phone maybe twice over about an 18 month period. And that was before texting. We wrote long emails daily and kept in touch, but no phone. 

 

I have a relative who has expressed that it makes her sad that I don’t initiate phone calls. The thing is that I hate it so much that it’s not ever something I would think to do. I would never think “Oh, I miss so and so, I should call her and chat.† If she calls, I’m happy to talk. If she’s here I’m happy to talk. Not calling is not a “I don’t care about you†thing to me but really a “I don’t think of calling someone.†I don’t chat with friends on the phone, I don’t chat with anyone. 

 

Maybe your sister is similar and it’s not you, it’s the phone. :) 

[Alice]

Quill you and I are like flaky non-calling twins. In addition to your reasons i often feel like I have nothing to say, just minor first world problems. Surely no-one else cares that I have lost track of my lifetime supply of blank notecards pushing me into existential thoughts about whether that perhaps means that I have actually died and this is all a weird dream. I like Onestepatatime's idea too, so you don't call me on the first Tuesday of the month and I won't call you on the third Thursday.

 

OP, in all seriousness, I am sorry this is causing you pain. I'm glad that you realize that the passive approach to the issue is not a good long term solution. If the relationship is important to you to maintain, I suggest asking her if there is a particular day/time that works best for her because it is important to you to maintain contact.

 

 

And I could be your triplet. I could have written both your posts. 

[Ausmumof3]

You are going to have to make that quads guys!

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited October 11, 2017 by lllllll

[mom@shiloh]

Yep, make that a fivesome.  I don't really like talking on the phone and find it difficult to even keep up with my own kids that way.  I much prefer writing an email or writing in our FB group, but I do think that people are hurt sometimes that I don't call more often.

[Paige]

I hate talking on the phone. I try to call my parents reasonably often because I know it hurts their feelings when I don't, but the phone is not my thing. It's not personal- I have to psych myself up and plan a script to call places like doctors' offices, stores, and really anything. 

 

I much prefer communicating via e-mail, and in the past I could write letters. Could you try e-mailing your sister and see if she is more responsive that way? 

 

[Rachel]

I would keep calling I live in different time zones than my siblings and tend to overthink whether it's a good time to call or not. We always seem to enjoy our conversations though when one of us finally calls.

[JustEm]

I hate talking on the phone and simply do not do it with anyone but dh if one of us is away or my sister who is 15 hrs away. But even with her I talk to her maybe once every month or 2. We do talk for at least an hour when I do call though. Once a week, like you do with your sister, would be too much for me and I wouldn't reciprocate like that.

 

Also, if this is the way your relationship has been then maybe she just expects you to be the one to call. That is her normal for the relationship and why would she think anything of changing it unless you mention it.

 

With my sister, I am the one who does the calling. Truthfully, if she called me 9 times out of 10 it wouldn't be a good time to talk because I have 5 little kids. Her kids are a bit older and she can more easily take some time to excuse herself from them.

 

I would say if the relationship is that important just talk about it with her

[duckabell]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. This relationship is important to me, and I do think my sister may not like the phone. I think I'll just call her every 2-3 weeks, and if needed talk to her about the best way for her to communicate as well. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I'm like Quill and the rest. Are we up to Octuplets yet?

 

I dread the phone. I admit to screening calls, letting it go to voicemail, and responding to the message via text, FB, or email. I would rather write a letter than make a phone call.

 

For me, it's classical conditioning and avoidance behavior rolled into one.

 

OP - I'm sorry you are feeling lost with your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

[Carrie12345]

 

 

Would you still call a sibling or really close friend on a regular basis to maintain a relationship if they very rarely called you? 

 

Even though I generally hate the phone, I still love talking to my mom or my sister for hours.  None of us has the time to do that more than once every two, three... four, maybe even 5 weeks.  More specifically, we don't have the time AT THE SAME TIME as one another.

 

When something funny or cute happens, or some other little thing that we think the other might like to hear, we text.  And we usually text to see if we can schedule a chatty call.

 

I consider myself very close to my mom and sister.

[teachermom2834]

I am horrible at keeping in touch but I promise it is not because I don't want the relationships. I actually crave the emotional connection of close relationships. I just a few weeks ago texted a friend from my old town I haven't been good about initiating contact with "I am terrible at keeping in touch. I suck. Sorry. Love you."

 

I think I know most of what my problem is and I am sure it doesn't make sense rationally. I think it is low self confidence. I don't want to initiate contact because I start not feeling 100% confident the other person will want to talk to me. I don't want to annoy or inconvenience anyone or interrupt anyone. So I put off calling. Then it has been so long I feel awkward. I am sure the person on the other side of this thinks I just don't care but that is so very far from the truth. I have the same trouble inviting people over or asking people to go do things. I start thinking the other person won't think that sounds fun and I will be embarrassed.

 

I have fantastic friends that have loved me well! I can't explain why I might be this way without getting into all kinds of personal baggage.

 

So it is possible there are other reasons when the person doesn't call. It isn't an excuse but I sure do appreciate my friends who have put up with my failure to hold up my end from time to time. If you want to reach out, I would encourage you to still do so. She might need it more than you realize!

[ktgrok]

Maybe she just isn't a phone person? I never really call people just to chat, not since I was in junior high. Seriously. I call someone if I have a specific question, or info to relay, but not to chat. If someone calls me, I usually will chat and sometimes enjoy it, especially if it is my best friend. But i'd never in a million years think to call just to talk for no reason. It has NOTHING to do with how I feel about the person or the relationship, I promise. 

[KungFuPanda]

Nothing is ever really "fair" in a relationship. Clearly communication is your strength. There are probably other things your sister is better at. When you see each other after a long absence, do you pick back up like you never left? I think that's a better indicator of the health of the relationship than frequent phone calls. Do you NEED constant reassurance to feel close to someone? Is this not a relationship you can trust to withstand a separation? SOMEONE'S internal phone alarm is going to naturally go off first. In this relationship it's yours. It doesn't mean your sister cares less. It doesn't mean you're needy. It just means you do things on a different timetable.

[catz]

I can be this way at times.  With others I feel like I do all the work.  My mother almost literally never calls me.  I think that is so weird, but it is what it is.  And she loves to get together and chat on the phone, etc.  I don't know if she feels like she's infringing if she calls.  I don't answer the phone if I can't talk so it's no big deal at all. 

 

As someone who can be this way, I do think I just get in my own bubble of day to day stuff and I have a list of to do things in my mind and the phone calls almost always get pushed to the back of my list.  I much prefer meeting with someone face to face to chatting on the phone.  When someone calls me at home I am almost ALWAYS doing something.  When I make calls from home, I almost have to schedule a chunk of time to do it.  So it's never about the person and not wanting to stay in touch.  It's just a very easy thing to push off.  I'm better with texting or IMing or e-mailing.  Or even texting to set up a get together for coffee or wine or whatever. 

[happi duck]

#teamquill

[ktgrok]

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not a phone person either.  I only do that when I absolutely need to.

I don't call my dad as much as I should.  He doesn't initiate calls.  He's a hermit so he doesn't have anything to talk about that varies from the last thousand phone conversations we had.  But I still need to call him.

[Arctic Bunny]

See, my dad always sounds hurt that I don’t call him. But he doesn’t have a phone, except at work. And he’s there until about 7. But how often do you think I manage to call between 5 and 7, Monday to Thursday? And like PP, I don’t know what to talk to him about, because he just says I better talk to his girlfriend regarding any plans.

 

Sorry. Really nothing to do with the OP. But there it is anyway! :)

[Carrie12345]

Ooh, here's another reason I try not to call unplanned:  Most people I know will ignore a call if they're in the middle of something, but my mom will pick up just about anywhere.  Then I feel bad for bothering her in the middle of something.  Just reject my call and call me back when you're able, like a normal person!

[bethben]

I’m always the one who calls my sisters and even my mom. I live 1000 miles away from all of them. If I didn’t, I would have no relationship with any of them. As it is, when we lived 700 miles closer and drove to visit, no one seemed to have time to actually spend time with us. We see driving 1000 miles to see family for less than an hour during the week we’re visiting pointless.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guest]

I don't call.  My sibs aren't talkers.  We pick up where we left off when we get together, but calling often doesn't add to our relationship.  Its just on hold.  We are military brats, used to being far away from family.

 

mil lives close by and calls weekly. she chats about her daily life...I  clean while she goes on.  Nothing she says is meaningful. It actually destroyed the relationship with her dc because its soo thoughtless. I mean really, an hour a week to give a play-by-play and complain.  I understand now what people mean when they say learning how to live is necessary for some people. 

Edited October 5, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[regentrude]

Ooh, here's another reason I try not to call unplanned:  Most people I know will ignore a call if they're in the middle of something, but my mom will pick up just about anywhere.  Then I feel bad for bothering her in the middle of something.  Just reject my call and call me back when you're able, like a normal person!

 

Anybody I know will answer the phone unless they really cannot - are in a work meeting or in the bathroom.

 

I know that my mother would gladly drop almost anything she is doing to talk to me. There are very rare situation when she asks me to call back.

And unless I am in class or in work meetings, I gladly drop whatever I am doing to talk to my adult children.

 

Edited October 5, 2017 by regentrude

[regentrude]

For those of you who hate talking on the phone: I don't get it, but I hear you. But does that mean you also cannot email or write a letter?

I don't expect people to call. But by golly, some kind of acknowledgement that we have a relationship would be kind of nice in between yearly visits. It sucks never to get a reply to any mail.

[regentrude]

Nothing is ever really "fair" in a relationship. Clearly communication is your strength. There are probably other things your sister is better at. When you see each other after a long absence, do you pick back up like you never left? I think that's a better indicator of the health of the relationship than frequent phone calls. Do you NEED constant reassurance to feel close to someone? Is this not a relationship you can trust to withstand a separation? SOMEONE'S internal phone alarm is going to naturally go off first. In this relationship it's yours. It doesn't mean your sister cares less. It doesn't mean you're needy. It just means you do things on a different timetable.

 

I don't think it has anything with trusting the relationship. I want to know what is going on in my friends' lives - because it is very hard to catch up on everything after a year, and you spend almost all the available time just getting up to speed on facts.

 

[Amy in NH]

I love my sister, and I love to talk to her when she calls. But I rarely call her because we are time zones off and I never know her schedule. She works full time, switches jobs frequently enough that I can't remember if she's working days or nights all the time. She is getting an advanced degree so she is sometimes in classes, studies a lot, and sometimes she's at the gym. Etc etc. I usually can't text because no service at home here. She usually calls me at least once per week, and then I'll chat as long as she's able.

 

I hope she doesn't feel bitter about it.

[Amy in NH]

I’m always the one who calls my sisters and even my mom. I live 1000 miles away from all of them. If I didn’t, I would have no relationship with any of them. As it is, when we lived 700 miles closer and drove to visit, no one seemed to have time to actually spend time with us. We see driving 1000 miles to see family for less than an hour during the week we’re visiting pointless.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Do you expect them to drop what they're doing to sit around and chat for a week, or do you jump right into their busy schedules and join in their lives? My mom does the former, so we don't see her much because we're busy and she's not willing to do the latter. We don't care to sit around to make small talk.

 

Maybe see if you can schedule a group vacation/house rental in an in-between location so you are both outside your normal lives. But I still wouldn't be one to sit around, so then it would be a clash of personality styles.

[Tanaqui]

So it seems to me that the first thing you should do is tell her, clearly, that you are annoyed that you do all the calling. This can be tricky!

 

I suggest you stick to I statements - I feel that we aren't as close, I would like to have more time "just to chat" rather than only calling when Something Has Happened. Try to avoid stealthy you statements - I feel that you are a jerk, I feel like you expect me to do all the emotional labor so you can be lazy. Just because you preface a statement with "I feel", that doesn't make it an I statement! Focus on how you feel, not on what her perceived motivations are.

 

Once you've said that - preferably briefly - state what you'd like. You'd like to talk on the phone twice a month, maybe. Can she agree that she will call you on the 15th, and you will call her another day each month? Or, if she doesn't like talking on the phone, maybe you can set up a regular email or chat or snail mail where you just keep in touch, and you agree to contact each other at least as often as twice a month?

 

Maybe the answer is going to be no. Maybe she doesn't want to call you once a month, and she doesn't want to send a regular check-in email, and she definitely doesn't want to follow you on Facebook. Well, then, at least you'll know and you can grieve and move on.

 

Alternatively, she doesn't realize how important this is to you, doesn't realize she's been slacking, and will be willing to make a commitment to try to keep up her end of the communication.

 

Or, third option, she'll say she does realize how important it is, but she has trouble remembering it or scheduling it, and you'll have to let it go. This is not ideal, but again, at least you'll have made your feelings clear. Being passive aggressive doesn't help you.

 

(Since you have multiple sisters, you might make an alternative or additional suggestion that all the sisters share a group chat once a week or twice a month or something. That's not one-on-one time, but you can pass it off as Extra Family Time.)

[amy g.]

I feel sort of trapped when the phone rings so I don't call other people because I don't want to put them in that situation. I imagine them thinking, "OMG, I finally sit down to eat and the phone has to ring!" Or "Well, there goes my 5 minutes of quiet time for the day!"

 

I have a question to ask my husband right now, so I texted and said, "I have a quick question. Call me if you get a break." I haven't heard from my brother in a week or so, so I'll text him today saying, "You owe me an update." But most people, even the ones I love more than life itself, I'll leave alone until they contact me.

 

The reason is because it *feels* more loving and respectful to me. My love is constant and never changing. It isn't dependent on contact. This is how I express the depth of my love-by giving people freedom to have space and eat a meal without the phone ringing and not put expectations on them about how much contact they have to have with me.

 

Even with my own grown kids, we only talk on the phone when we have an urgent matter that is too long and complicated to put into texts. One daughter has a phone message that says, "If you really need to get in touch with me, hang up and text or email instead." So I don't feel like I am not holding up my end of the relationship. I feel like I'm just being respectful not to interrupt their lives for chit chat.

 

If you care about keeping a relationship with your sister, I'd quit playing games and call her when you want to talk to her, but don't expect her to do the same.

[kroe1]

Some people are the social butterflies, the rest of us are grateful they check on us and keep us in the loop.

 

It always saddens me when people feel like I do not care because I am not an initiator of social encounters. I just am not that organized, thoughtful, motivated,....whatever excuse one wants.....to get the job accomplished, not even simple phone calls. But, I am so GRATEFUL to those who keep hanging in there. I truly love a good friend, good family, and a good party.

[tdbates78]

Count me in as another who hates being on the phone. When I do have time, I just want to relax, not chit chat on a long phone call. I'm much much better with texting or email. Fortunately my sis is the same way. We can go months without talking but I know that doesn't mean she doesn't care.

[Guest]

This is a normal experience for me. I am the one who initiates any contact with almost all friends back home and my sister.

If I did not do that, there would be no contact. Since the contact is important to me more than to them, I reach out.

It's the fate of the one who moved away. The ones who stayed have each other.

ETA: I see them once a year, and they are all happy that I am there. But I don't hear anything throughout the year, even if I write. It has been 16 years.

Yeah. I just try not to take it personally, and work to keep up any relationship I want to keep. Most people don’t think to keep up contact, it’s pretty common.

[regentrude]

Yeah. I just try not to take it personally, and work to keep up any relationship I want to keep. Most people don’t think to keep up contact, it’s pretty common.

 

But sometimes it is hard not to take it personally.

All the people who write in this thread that they do care but can't be bothered to make an the effort... well, sometimes it feels very alone, if nobody ever reaches out.

I for once would like somebody to write me a letter at Christmas. or to send me an email "hey, when are you going to be in town? We'd love to see you". Nope. It is always, always me.

 

OP, hugs to you. This is tough.

 

Edited October 5, 2017 by regentrude

[ktgrok]

For those of you who hate talking on the phone: I don't get it, but I hear you. But does that mean you also cannot email or write a letter?

I don't expect people to call. But by golly, some kind of acknowledgement that we have a relationship would be kind of nice in between yearly visits. It sucks never to get a reply to any mail.

 

I HATE talking on the phone, but I'm great at social media for the most part, at least if we are close. I message with my husband, mom, best friend, etc all the time. 

[Guest]

But sometimes it is hard not to take it personally.

All the people who write in this thread that they do care but can't be bothered to make an the effort... well, sometimes it feels very alone, if nobody ever reaches out.

I for once would like somebody to write me a letter at Christmas. or to send me an email "hey, when are you going to be in town? We'd love to see you". Nope. It is always, always me.

 

OP, hugs to you. This is tough.

 

This is why I do the stuff I do. I do send Christmas cards and write some personalized notes on each one; I do make small connections with people on FB that wouldn't happen otherwise. And I do throw out an invitation here and there to meet for coffee or whatever. I know I'm a crappy connector, so I try to connect through the ways I am comfortable connecting.

[KungFuPanda]

I don't think it has anything with trusting the relationship. I want to know what is going on in my friends' lives - because it is very hard to catch up on everything after a year, and you spend almost all the available time just getting up to speed on facts.

 

You can generally glean the highlights from social media.

 

I'm a person who entertains and socializes quite a bit. Honestly, I stay so busy focusing on the people I see in person that I often drop the ball with calling far flung relatives. My days are full and I crash at the end. I'm not about to call people at midnight, but I do email/message them soon. With people out of the country I rely on Facebook to communicate because I don't have to worry about time zones there.

[kewb]

My sister and I are equally bad at staying in touch. I would say we call each other equally every few months.

I am also one who has been the caller and the callee in friendships. I have ended some after feeling like I was getting nothing in return and I am sure I have been dropped for similar reasons.

The reality is, I hate talking on the phone and I hate idle chit chat. I marvel at people who have a 20 minute phone call with their sibling every day. What the heck do you talk about? I don't care that my sister watched my nephew play baseball or practice guitar. Nor do I think the minutia of my day is all that interesting. I can't muster up the energy to care.

[answerdeskwtm]

This is a very old thread, please feel free to start a new one!