Nephew/ds piano teacher moving to a bad neighborhood..how to handle this?

[Heather in OK]

My nephew teaches my son piano.  At the end of the month he and his family are moving to an area of town that has a *VERY* bad reputation.  There is quite a bit of crime, police helicopters often, horrible schools, etc.  My husband spoke to him about their decision last weekend.  They have a good relationship and dh can give it to him straight and nephew will respect him.  But they are convinced it is a good option, a good deal on the house, etc.

My son has lessons in the evening and in the Fall, it will be dark when it's lesson time.  I am really not comfortable being in that part of town, especially at night!   My dh isn't able to drive so having him transport ds to the lesson is not an option.  The only thing I can think to ask is if he would be able to do a lesson on Saturday afternoon.  Not my ideal but I'm not sure if there are any other options.

I could pay my nephew a little extra to have him come to our house for lessons but part of the fun and learning is ds going over to his place.  He gets that time out of the house to do something that is "his" and my nephew has several other instruments he can show him.  I also don't really want the extra expense. 

I'm just not sure what to do other than ask about a Saturday lesson.  I feel like if I tell him, "I'm not comfortable in that neighborhood at night so we can't come for an evening lesson any more.", it will hurt his feelings.  I guess I could have my husband handle it. 

Any other angles I'm missing??

[regentrude]

 I feel like if I tell him, "I'm not comfortable in that neighborhood at night so we can't come for an evening lesson any more.", it will hurt his feelings. 

 

Why should this hurt his feelings? You have an objective reason that has nothing to do with him as a person or teacher. 

 

I see three options:

ask for a daytime lesson slot

have him come to your house

change piano teachers

 

Have you asked your DS which option he would prefer? At 11, his opinion would be important..

Edited August 10, 2017 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

Are you sure that it is really going to be an issue?  I've lived in a number of neighbourhoods that were supposedly "bad" and quite enjoyed living there.  

[regentrude]

Are you sure that it is really going to be an issue?  I've lived in a number of neighbourhoods that were supposedly "bad" and quite enjoyed living there.  

 

That too. My DD lives on the South Side of Chicago...

[KeriJ]

We live in a "bad neighborhood". So far, so good.😉 And we even go outside at night. 😊

[Jyhwkmama]

Women need to stop being so concerned with hurting other people's feelings when health or safety is at risk.

 

[Selkie]

You say you're not comfortable going to that part of town, so I think you should listen to your instincts and ask him to do the lessons at your home.

[Heather in OK]

Daytime isn't an option.  He has a 9-5 job. 

I really don't want to change teachers and I know my son won't either.  My son and nephew are quite similar in many ways...including how they approach music.  So my nephew "gets" how to teach him.  It's also nice that he can have that time with his cousin. 

 

 

Are you sure that it is really going to be an issue?  I've lived in a number of neighbourhoods that were supposedly "bad" and quite enjoyed living there. 


We live in a "bad neighborhood". So far, so good.😉 And we even go outside at night. 😊

 

Wonderful for you!   However, that really isn't the point of my post/question. 

[AngieC]

Daytime isn't an option. He has a 9-5 job.

 

I really don't want to change teachers and I know my son won't either. My son and nephew are quite similar in many ways...including how they approach music. So my nephew "gets" how to teach him. It's also nice that he can have that time with his cousin.

 

 

 

Wonderful for you! However, that really isn't the point of my post/question.

I see her point in that another option is to give it a try and and maybe it isn't nearly as bad or dangerous as you think it is. Like others, I've lived I plenty of areas others might consider "dangerous," but I have never felt unsafe in any of them.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think it does pertain to the point of the question to mention that people can live in, work in, and visit bad neighborhoods...I would be concerned about the discouragement thrown to the family trying to live within their means. I can tell you from experience that it's scarring for children, teens and young adults to have well to do family and friends refuse to visit their homes.

 

Unless there is prostitution on the corner by the house in broad daylight, and gang warfare with shooting on the alley behind the house, I would take my child to music lessons.

[MommyLiberty5013]

You have four options.

 

1. Go on Saturday (will cousin want to give up Saturday to teach? Doubtful).

2. Have him come your way - pay him extra for this.

3. Change teachers.

4. Go to the new place. Really the only "exposure" to the possible dangers are walking from the house's door to your car, right? 20-30 feet on a private sidewalk or driveway?

Edited August 10, 2017 by MommyLiberty5013

[Bluegoat]

 

 

 

Wonderful for you!   However, that really isn't the point of my post/question. 

 

What I was suggesting is that you might find, if you try it, that it really isn't going to make you nervous once you get past the initial sense of discomfort.  You didn't really say anything about whether you have any personal experience in the neighbourhood, so maybe that's really not a possibility.

 

But many people find that areas with bad reputations are much different than they expect when they are actually just in them for a visit on a residential street.  It might be worth trying it before moving to a new teacher - you can always change your mind later if it doesn't work out.

[klmama]

I'd try at least once.  If you still feel concerned once you are there, you could ask your nephew to walk you out to your car afterward.

[regentrude]

Daytime isn't an option.  He has a 9-5 job. 

 

But Saturday or Sunday would be during the day time, right? Otherwise I don't understand why Saturday would be any better for you.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

To help with perspective, you could watch some movies about poor music teachers who live in bad neighborhoods yet change lives. There have been a lot. It would be a shame to lose a really good mentor for your son, and doubly a shame to scorn a struggling young relative, over this. He's got his family there, as this is the home he can provide, yet it's not good enough for his aunt and nephew to even visit. That's going to be a worse pain than just "hurt feelings."

[Ravin]

I would not cave to largely irrational fear.

[Rachel]

I think you should continue lessons, if it turns out to actually be dangerous at night, then move to a Saturday or have your nephew come to your house. You should have a few weeks before it is dark in the evenings.

[nixpix5]

Go with your gut. I just don't believe in putting loved ones in harms way to avoid hurting someone else's feelings. I feel like I am responsible for keeping my loved ones safe and if I can both keep them safe and not offend someone else well then great, but otherwise I choose them. I am statically minded so while you will probably be fine by attending lessons, increase the statistical probability that fine will be more likely by doing a day time Saturday appointment. I grew up in a high crime area and one of the main reasons I worked myself to death as a teen mom to put myself through college was to not have to raise my kids in areas like that. You don't have to have guilt around that. Follow your gut.

Edited August 10, 2017 by nixpix5

[Alessandra]

Are you driving? Can the teacher walk out to the car to meet you? Then, after you see the neighborhood, you can decide.

 

I once lived in a 'bad' neighborhood. At first, I rushed into my building in the evenings. Then I took the time to look around -- lots of kids in pajamas, with their parents, getting a breath of air before bedtime. Half a block down, a bit rough. But our area was quite safe. There was a block patrol and close ties with police. Our building's summer and Christmas parties had the chief of police, state senator, and assorted other politicians and police in attendance.

 

Not that your nephew's area will necessarily be similar, but you don't know till you get there. Urban neighborhoods can vary tremendously on a block by block basis.

[Harriet Vane]

An option you should really consider is trying to expand your comfort zone. (If you're really worried, you can ask that your nephew specifically escort you guys to the car or watch from the window.)

 

I lived in a high-crime neighborhood in Chicago for fourteen years. Honestly, we were fine there. We had a lot of nice neighbors. And our many friends from church who lived in various parts of that high-crime neighborhood were also fine.

 

Many people are uncomfortable going in and out of bad neighborhoods. However, most people go in and out of bad neighborhoods without incident. It's not worth disrupting a great relationship and great instruction.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Harriet Vane

[JudoMom]

My nephew teaches my son piano.  At the end of the month he and his family are moving to an area of town that has a *VERY* bad reputation.  There is quite a bit of crime, police helicopters often, horrible schools, etc.  My husband spoke to him about their decision last weekend.  They have a good relationship and dh can give it to him straight and nephew will respect him.  But they are convinced it is a good option, a good deal on the house, etc.

 

My son has lessons in the evening and in the Fall, it will be dark when it's lesson time.  I am really not comfortable being in that part of town, especially at night!   My dh isn't able to drive so having him transport ds to the lesson is not an option.  The only thing I can think to ask is if he would be able to do a lesson on Saturday afternoon.  Not my ideal but I'm not sure if there are any other options.

 

I could pay my nephew a little extra to have him come to our house for lessons but part of the fun and learning is ds going over to his place.  He gets that time out of the house to do something that is "his" and my nephew has several other instruments he can show him.  I also don't really want the extra expense. 

 

I'm just not sure what to do other than ask about a Saturday lesson.  I feel like if I tell him, "I'm not comfortable in that neighborhood at night so we can't come for an evening lesson any more.", it will hurt his feelings.  I guess I could have my husband handle it. 

 

Any other angles I'm missing??

 

How does your dh feel about you going there with your son at night?  If he's uncomfortable, I'd have him handle it.  I would probably see if nephew could come to our home.  Are you out of his way?  If so, I agree with paying him more, but if not, maybe you could send him home with dinner for his family or cookies or muffins?

 

I won't go to the neighborhood we lived in 11 years ago, or to the surrounding shopping centers.  We moved because the crime was increasing, and it's gone through the roof.  I'm picturing the same sort of area, and no, I wouldn't go to a family member's house in that area regularly after dark.  Now and then for special occasions, I would, but not for a weekly lesson.

Edited August 10, 2017 by JudoMom

[wonderchica]

What did he say when your husband talked to him about your concerns? Did he agree it is an unsafe neighborhood? If he did, then I would just tell him that you want to come on the weekend due to safety.

[Catwoman]

You say you're not comfortable going to that part of town, so I think you should listen to your instincts and ask him to do the lessons at your home.

:iagree:

 

Heather, if you're uncomfortable and you believe you or your ds would be at increased risk by being in that neighborhood at night, try to make alternative arrangements with your nephew.

 

I know that people mean well when they suggest that you're being silly to worry because they have been safe in neighborhoods with bad reputations, but none of us knows the specific place you're talking about, so I will take you at your word and believe that you have a good reason to be nervous. I don't think you should have to be uneasy about your safety every week just to take your son to his piano lessons.

 

Your nephew chose to move his family into that neighborhood and I hope everything works out well for them -- I'm assuming it's a transitional area and they are hoping more families will be moving in and renovating the properties to increase both value and safety -- but that doesn't mean that you have to think it's a great idea or that you have to visit him there. If the neighborhood has a reputation for being very sketchy, I'm sure you're not the only person who has expressed concern about it to your nephew, so I doubt he will be particularly surprised that you're not comfortable bringing your son there for lessons in the evening.

[mathnerd]

Even if there is no harm in driving through a bad neighborhood, I would not feel happy about taking my son to a place that had drive-by shootings or drug dealings etc even if I only heard about them in news reports about the neighborhood. It is OK to feel uncomfortable about going every week to a really bad neighborhood. It is also not good to lose an excellent music teacher as it takes a while for a teacher to build a good rapport and working relationship with the student. So, I suggest that you ask your nephew to give your son lessons at your home. Maybe he can stop by after work on an evening that is convenient to you. He will certainly lose out on other instruments that your nephew has in his house, but, you get the option of not driving to a part of town that makes you uncomfortable.

 

 

[luuknam]

I think it does pertain to the point of the question to mention that people can live in, work in, and visit bad neighborhoods...I would be concerned about the discouragement thrown to the family trying to live within their means. I can tell you from experience that it's scarring for children, teens and young adults to have well to do family and friends refuse to visit their homes.

 

 

OP didn't say that that neighborhood was all nephew could afford, or that he was moving there to "live within their means". OP said that nephew thinks it's a good house value. Which is totally nephew's prerogative, but it's also OP's prerogative to not visit dangerous neighborhoods, however she defines those. I'm not super happy about the safety of the neighborhood we're currently living in, and we *easily* could afford to live elsewhere (obviously, it's not super dangerous here, or I would've refused to live here, but just saying... people sometimes live in less safe neighborhoods even when they easily can afford to live elsewhere). Just because someone else is willing to take certain risks, does not mean I should take those same risks. It sucks if that someone else doesn't have a choice in taking those risks, but we just don't know that to be true for OP's nephew. 

[luuknam]

Btw, maybe telling him you don't feel safe going at night will hurt his feelings (maybe it won't), but either way, your nephew is an adult, and can cope. 

[Janeway]

I would find a different teacher.

[Lecka]

Just a thought, but maybe your husband can ride in the car with you?

 

I think if you go with your husband, within a few times you will know if you are getting more comfortable or if you are really getting less comfortable.

 

I think another option is pause lessons during Fall and Winter and then start them again.

[luuknam]

If someone were to not visit us because of concerns about safety I'd roll my eyes and think Aunt Heather is a bit paranoid. If we lived in a very dangerous neighborhood I'd probably just agree it's not the safest place. 

[Rachel]

If someone were to not visit us because of concerns about safety I'd roll my eyes and think Aunt Heather is a bit paranoid. If we lived in a very dangerous neighborhood I'd probably just agree it's not the safest place.

That's what people thought about the first neighborhood where my husband and I lived after we were married. It wasn't unsafe, just blue collar and near the interstate. The school was "horrible" but it was actually a quiet neighborhood and we lived there 4 or 5 years with zero issues.

[Lanny]

Probably OK during the day if the OP stays in the house while her DS has the lesson and isn't driving back and then returning to pick him up.

 

Sent from my SM-G355M using Tapatalk

[Heather in OK]

Suggesting to "give it a try" because I may find it to be not that bad is not a helpful suggestion. I've been in that neighborhood/area of town before (during the day).  I DO NOT like being in that part of town during the day.  I certainly DO NOT want to be there at night.  Other people who live in this city might.  I am not one of those people.

 

But Saturday or Sunday would be during the day time, right? Otherwise I don't understand why Saturday would be any better for you.

I meant daytime during the week isn't an option because my nephew works a 9-5 M-F job. 

 

 

I would not cave to largely irrational fear.

Wow.  Just...wow. 

 

 

How does your dh feel about you going there with your son at night?  If he's uncomfortable, I'd have him handle it.  I would probably see if nephew could come to our home.  Are you out of his way?  If so, I agree with paying him more, but if not, maybe you could send him home with dinner for his family or cookies or muffins?

He's not happy about it and when I expressed my feelings on going over there for lessons at night he said he didn't want me to either.  I think I may have my husband have the discussion since he's already expressed his concerns about the area.  He has a good relationship with him (probably better than our nephew has with his dad) and can be straight with him in a way that our nephew will respect.  Not that he wouldn't respect it coming from me but I just think it may be better coming from him. 
 

 

What did he say when your husband talked to him about your concerns? Did he agree it is an unsafe neighborhood? If he did, then I would just tell him that you want to come on the weekend due to safety.

He directly asked him, "You know the reputation this area has, right?".  Nephew said that they know the area's reputation but they feel it will be fine.   They talked a bit more about our experience knowing people who have lived over there (and got out ASAP!) and my friend who currently lives there and desperately wants out.  My husband said he didn't belabor the point anymore because our nephew seemed confident in their decision so he just told him, "I wanted to make sure you were aware of the area you're moving into." 

 

:iagree:

Heather, if you're uncomfortable and you believe you or your ds would be at increased risk by being in that neighborhood at night, try to make alternative arrangements with your nephew.

I know that people mean well when they suggest that you're being silly to worry because they have been safe in neighborhoods with bad reputations, but none of us knows the specific place you're talking about, so I will take you at your word and believe that you have a good reason to be nervous. I don't think you should have to be uneasy about your safety every week just to take your son to his piano lessons.

Your nephew chose to move his family into that neighborhood and I hope everything works out well for them -- I'm assuming it's a transitional area and they are hoping more families will be moving in and renovating the properties to increase both value and safety -- but that doesn't mean that you have to think it's a great idea or that you have to visit him there. If the neighborhood has a reputation for being very sketchy, I'm sure you're not the only person who has expressed concern about it to your nephew, so I doubt he will be particularly surprised that you're not comfortable bringing your son there for lessons in the evening.

Thank you for that understanding.

No, the issue is they were in a rush to get out of their current place before their lease was up and found a good deal.  They can afford other, safer, areas of town and still live well within their means. 

 

Just a thought, but maybe your husband can ride in the car with you?

Possibly.  My husband has a very busy work schedule from Oct to June so I can't count on him to be available every week.  

Thanks to those of you who had thoughtful and understanding replies. 

 

[KeriJ]

Though tongue in cheek, my earlier response was not meant to be unkind.  It's just that I live in an area now that I would not have chosen at another time in my life.  But I've found it to be true that most of my fears were largely irrational.  It just seemed like those of us who live in the "bad neighborhoods" might be able to offer perspective from another angle.....which is what you asked. 

[Mergath]

I'll be another one to say that the "bad" neighborhoods I've lived in weren't ever all that bad. Most of the time, they're just poor and not as pretty.

 

You did ask for other opinions, and your nephew doesn't seem to think living there is a big deal. If moving there was tantamount to living in a war zone, I doubt he'd shrug off your concerns.

 

Have you actually looked up the crime statistics in this area, or are you basing your opinion purely on the area's "bad reputation?"

[lanabug]

I'm on the west side of OKC. Do you mind sharing where in OK you are? We have an excellent piano teacher who does daytime lessons if you're close to where I live.

 

Lana

[Lanny]

Suggesting to "give it a try" because I may find it to be not that bad is not a helpful suggestion. I've been in that neighborhood/area of town before (during the day).  I DO NOT like being in that part of town during the day.  I certainly DO NOT want to be there at night.  Other people who live in this city might.  I am not one of those people.

<snip>

 

What you wrote there is enough for me to suggest to you that you just say "NO", to the possibility of your DS having lessons in their new home.

 

Especially if you do not have a CC permit.

[Starr]

It's always easier to get to know a neighborhood in the daylight. Not all blocks are the same. Why not start with Saturday and see how it goes.

[catz]

Are you sure that it is really going to be an issue?  I've lived in a number of neighbourhoods that were supposedly "bad" and quite enjoyed living there.  

:iagree:  I travel through "bad" neighborhoods regularly.  My kids do evening activities in them regularly.  We live urban.  The rep is always worse than the reality.   Some of the kindest people I know live and work in these neighborhoods.

If you wanted a JAWM thread, you perhaps should have added that to the OP. 

 

ETA - I do not have CC nor do I own a gun.  Sigh.

Edited August 10, 2017 by WoolySocks

[KeriJ]

Um, no CC permit or gun here either. I'll echo the sigh.

[HSmomof2]

Haven't read all pp's, but I think having nephew come to your house or finding a different teacher your best options. We left a co-op that relocated to a bad area----but just a blue collar area or lower income area.....it was a very high crime area, even during the day. I was just not comfortable driving around in the area. Some people were, which is fine. For me, it wasn't worth the stress each week.

[luuknam]

I'm on the west side of OKC. Do you mind sharing where in OK you are? We have an excellent piano teacher who does daytime lessons if you're close to where I live.

 

 

Her profile says she's in Tulsa. Which according to some website is rated as being safer than 3% of US cities (Buffalo is rated as being safer than 4% of US cities, so that's my reference point). So, the bad part of town for a town that's ranked quite low is not necessarily a place I'd want to go to at night. Though vehicle theft seems to be one of Tulsa's biggest problems... but what are you going to do, sit in your car in a bad neighborhood while your kid is learning piano? Um... no. 

[Χά�ων]

My nephew teaches my son piano. At the end of the month he and his family are moving to an area of town that has a *VERY* bad reputation. There is quite a bit of crime, police helicopters often, horrible schools, etc. My husband spoke to him about their decision last weekend. They have a good relationship and dh can give it to him straight and nephew will respect him. But they are convinced it is a good option, a good deal on the house, etc.

 

My son has lessons in the evening and in the Fall, it will be dark when it's lesson time. I am really not comfortable being in that part of town, especially at night! My dh isn't able to drive so having him transport ds to the lesson is not an option. The only thing I can think to ask is if he would be able to do a lesson on Saturday afternoon. Not my ideal but I'm not sure if there are any other options.

 

I could pay my nephew a little extra to have him come to our house for lessons but part of the fun and learning is ds going over to his place. He gets that time out of the house to do something that is "his" and my nephew has several other instruments he can show him. I also don't really want the extra expense.

 

I'm just not sure what to do other than ask about a Saturday lesson. I feel like if I tell him, "I'm not comfortable in that neighborhood at night so we can't come for an evening lesson any more.", it will hurt his feelings. I guess I could have my husband handle it.

 

Any other angles I'm missing??

 

My neighborhood has:

Horrible schools

Police helicopters

Crime

A reputation as being a "bad" area.

And!

It has people outside in their porches at 1am, I wave on my runs

A very racially diverse make-up

People who leave their homes unlocked 24/7

A strong community

 

 

The closest thing to violent crime on my street is me cussing out delivery drivers for blocking my driveway. Oh, and upper middle class white suburanites driving home drunk and causing major damage after visiting near by bars and thinking they are cute to avoid a common DUI check point.

 

Bad usually means older areas, black, hispanic, poor, near bars or liquor stores, or a combination there of.

[tammyw]

I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation either. I say the nephew needs to come to your house for the lesson and maybe the two can go out for "coffee" or lunch afterwards, so your son gets his away-from-home time?

[lanabug]

Her profile says she's in Tulsa. Which according to some website is rated as being safer than 3% of US cities (Buffalo is rated as being safer than 4% of US cities, so that's my reference point). So, the bad part of town for a town that's ranked quite low is not necessarily a place I'd want to go to at night. Though vehicle theft seems to be one of Tulsa's biggest problems... but what are you going to do, sit in your car in a bad neighborhood while your kid is learning piano? Um... no. 

 

Thanks, for some reason I couldn't see location from my phone. Yeah, just like OKC, there are definitely some parts of town that I would not feel comfortable being in after dark.

 

 

[Zinnia]

Atlanta is also a pretty decent city, much, much safer than it was 20 years ago, and there are still places that would give me pause after dark.  

 

I think you have to examine yourself, but at some point, if your gut says not to go, then you also have to listen to that.

[Bluegoat]

:iagree:

 

Heather, if you're uncomfortable and you believe you or your ds would be at increased risk by being in that neighborhood at night, try to make alternative arrangements with your nephew.

 

I know that people mean well when they suggest that you're being silly to worry because they have been safe in neighborhoods with bad reputations, but none of us knows the specific place you're talking about, so I will take you at your word and believe that you have a good reason to be nervous. I don't think you should have to be uneasy about your safety every week just to take your son to his piano lessons.

 

Your nephew chose to move his family into that neighborhood and I hope everything works out well for them -- I'm assuming it's a transitional area and they are hoping more families will be moving in and renovating the properties to increase both value and safety -- but that doesn't mean that you have to think it's a great idea or that you have to visit him there. If the neighborhood has a reputation for being very sketchy, I'm sure you're not the only person who has expressed concern about it to your nephew, so I doubt he will be particularly surprised that you're not comfortable bringing your son there for lessons in the evening.

 

This is the thing though - I think a lot of people realize how common it is for people to have the wrong impression about the dangers of a neighbourhood.  It's often only when they start to visit them that they realize their impression wasn't quite the reality of the situation.

 

When we last moved, my dad flipped out when we were looking in one neighbourhood.  We'd been out of the city a while, and didn't think it was at all like he did, but OTOH I was concerned by his worry.  He was quite happy when we bought in a different area (not for that reason.)

 

Now, 6 years later, I can say he was totally not right to think that little area was a problem, despite being in a larger "bad" neighbourhood.  In fact we get a lot more crime that actually affects us where we are now.

 

And I've had similar experiences living in other bad areas which might have had more of certain types of crime, but not necessarily the way they imagines - I was often more nervous walking around the high end areas when I lived there, because they were so deserted.

[Χά�ων]

This is the thing though - I think a lot of people realize how common it is for people to have the wrong impression about the dangers of a neighbourhood. It's often only when they start to visit them that they realize their impression wasn't quite the reality of the situation.

 

When we last moved, my dad flipped out when we were looking in one neighbourhood. We'd been out of the city a while, and didn't think it was at all like he did, but OTOH I was concerned by his worry. He was quite happy when we bought in a different area (not for that reason.)

 

Now, 6 years later, I can say he was totally not right to think that little area was a problem, despite being in a larger "bad" neighbourhood. In fact we get a lot more crime that actually affects us where we are now.

 

And I've had similar experiences living in other bad areas which might have had more of certain types of crime, but not necessarily the way they imagines - I was often more nervous walking around the high end areas when I lived there, because they were so deserted.

This. And the last line rings true. My upper middle class suburban neighborhood was eerily vacant all the time. Edited August 11, 2017 by Χά�ων

[luuknam]

This is the thing though - I think a lot of people realize how common it is for people to have the wrong impression about the dangers of a neighbourhood.  It's often only when they start to visit them that they realize their impression wasn't quite the reality of the situation.

 

 

I read the OP as saying she'd been to that neighborhood, though the OP was definitely ambiguous. However, in post 32 she explicitly states she's been to that neighborhood, and yet, there are people who continue to tell her to just give it a try after that, or to minimize her concerns. And she has stated that she's possibly willing to go during the day, on weekends. So, I'm not sure why people here seem to be hell-bent on wanting her to go into a bad neighborhood at night that's she's already been to during the day, and that none of the posters here seem to have personal experience with. It's quite patronizing in a way. 

 

I'm guessing she was hoping someone would say some completely different solution, like if this was math tutoring, suggesting they could study in the library (obviously not a possibility with music lessons). 

 

ETA: also, no idea how old nephew is, but young adult males often think they're invulnerable... I wouldn't necessarily trust their risk assessment. 

Edited August 11, 2017 by luuknam

[J-rap]

I've lived in sketchy neighborhoods in the past.  Although you learn the nuances of feeling safe in those neighborhoods and often do reach a level of comfort, that takes time and someone just coming in for an hour once/week will probably not reach that point.  In that case, if the thought of going there after dark is causing a lot of anxiety, I'd look for another solution too!

 

Some things I was thinking about...

 

You seem okay there in the daylight.  Is there a chance that during daylight savings, it would not be dark yet for the lesson time?  If so, then maybe for half a year you could make it work at the regular time.  After that, perhaps you could ask if he'd be open to switching it to Saturday mornings.  I think you could say it in such a way that you're more making light of yourself for being overly-nervous about going to a different neighborhood at night.  

 

What parts are you most nervous about?  Is it driving there in the dark?  Your being alone after that?  Would your nephew consider picking up your ds on his way home from work -- you could even meet him somewhere that's more on his route (like a MacDonald's or a mall)?  Then the lesson would still be at your nephew's home.  Could you pay your nephew a little extra then to meet you back at the halfway point after the lesson is over?

 

Could he do the lesson at a church?  My kids have taken from a teacher who had permission to give her lessons at a church.  My dd took violin lessons at a church too, because the teacher was coming from out of town.

 

I always think there's a way to work these things out if you want it badly enough.  Good luck finding a good solution!

Edited August 11, 2017 by J-rap

[Rachel]

Does your local music store have studio space for rent? That could be an option.

 

A church or study room at a library could be possible lesson locations as well.