Lots of cousins playing together- WWYD?

[lovinmyboys]

I'm not sure what to title this. On one side of our family there are 17 cousins age 1-11. We have always had a rule that no one could be excluded. Lately, that has been harder. There are 2 11yr olds and 2 9yr olds and 13 1-7yr olds. The little kids love playing with the big kids, but the bigger kids are starting to feel like they are babysitters. They like playing with the little kids some, but want their own time too.

 

Two examples- at the pool the 11yr olds played dragons with a 7yr old and helped her practice diving and let her pull them around on a float. Then they told her they didn't want to play that stuff anymore and she threw a huge fit and her mom reminded everyone that we don't exclude people.

 

Another time the older kids were playing basketball and a 4yr old got mad they didn't want him to play, so of course they were made to let him play.

 

I am an inlaw in this family. I recently tried to bring the subject up, but it was kind of tabled. We live out of town so it doesn't come up too much. But, when we are in town, my older kids would like to do older kid things with their older cousins. There are plenty of little kids for the other little kids to play with. I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell a 4yr old that he can't play basketball with 11 year olds.

 

Anyone else have a family like this? What do you do? How should I bring this up again?

[maize]

Maybe plan for a time when just the older cousins get together.

[TeenagerMom]

Next time the situation comes up, I would just ask the other parents why the older kids can't have some big kid time to just hang out without the littles.  My daughter is the oldest grandchild and very much felt like she was made to watch the little kids while the adults checked out.  We just put a stop to it but allowing DD to hang out inside with the adults instead of making her go out.

[AK_Mom4]

Ha! This brings back memories of being one of 23 kids at my grandparents in the summer.  With so many, they naturally divided us up into Big Kids and Little Kids for many years - just so they could get everyone fed at meals without total chaos.  It wasn't a perfect system because one cousin who should of been a Little Kid by age always demanded to be included with the Big Kids (because there is always that special snowflake in every family), but it did mostly work for playing and meals.

 

So Bring the Change You Want To See by referring to them as Big Kids out loud when you talk about them - "Would you Big Kids go bring in chairs?" "Let's send the Older Kids to go bring out the snacks".  Labels tend to stick in groups and my guess is that will be enough to let people see that there are different groups out there.

 

Except for Aunt Doreen's Special Snowflake.... but that's a different discussion.  :laugh:

[LucyStoner]

We only have 6 cousins in my family and they come in near age pairs- 14 and 15; 10 and 11 and two 8-year-olds.  My sons are the 14-year-old and one of the 8-year-olds.  Sometimes the teens naturally want to do things the 8-year-olds can't.  I permit it.  It's silly to require them all to be together.  Sometimes they do all play together, but when the little ones are wearing on the older ones, I find something for the little ones to do.  The teens and the 8-year-olds are very close to each other.  The 10 and 11-year-old aren't as close.  

[gardenmom5]

frankly - with the age ranges, the older kids want to play with each other on a level for which the little kids aren't yet ready. and they do spend some time with the littles.   they need to be able to play with each other sometimes.   older kids having to always accommodate little kids is a breeding ground for resentment.  there will come a day they may simply refuse to even come.

 

I'm thinking the mom of the precious dear having a conniption isn't the mother of one of the older cousins. ... .or at least really doesn't have much experience with developmental age differences.

[kroe1]

Their house, their rules.

[Twolittleboys]

I think it is a somewhat silly rule but if you aren't there that much and if it is the family culture most everyone else is happy with I would let it go.

[Guest]

There is a similar situation with my ILs (there are 19 cousins altogether). For us, there is not exclusion within a grouping, but there's naturally going to be some dividing out by age group. The 10yo is not always going to be able to do what the 14yo is allowed to do.

 

I would bring this up with the other parents. As the kids get older, they obviously will not all be able to do the same things. A two year old can't play basketball "for real" with a 9yo. It doesn't mean the 9yos should never get to play a "real" round of basketball. That's actually going to prevent the cousins from developing a friendship.

 

But I can appreciate how this gets sticky. My main issue has been with which movies are chosen when everyone is together, because ILs with older kids were fine with movie themes I was not fine with.

[Pink and Green Mom]

But for the ages and the specifics I would swear this was DH's family.  If you are the parent of one of the 11 and/or 9 year olds, I would try to talk to the inlaw parent of the other 11 and/or 9 year old separately and say something to the effect of "gee, it seems they need some time to themselves"  rather than making it a group discussion.

 

But then when it comes to inlaws, I admit I can get a  little passive aggressive.  I'd probably tell my older kids that if a grownup insists they continue playing with someone they don't want to, they can come sit with the grownups instead.  I'm sure none of the grownups want 17 children monopolizing the adult time. 

[Carrie12345]

If you're uncomfortable based on your position in the family, I'd start by talking to the person you're closest to about the issue.  

 

I'm SO not a fan of "everyone must be included at all times." Inclusion is great, of course!  But not when an 11yo must always play with a toddler at the expense of bonding time with kids closer in age.  We don't have as many kids all together, and my older kids do wind up with a heavy dose of child watching time, but big kids get to have big kid time, whether the 10 cousins are gathered, or it's just my own 5 kids (with a range of 12 years) at home.

 

Signed,

The Oldest Cousin (3 years older than the closest sibling, and 7 years older than the closest cousin)

[mytwomonkeys]

I would not expect 17 kids to always play inclusively. I would divide by age. I would also remind the littles that inclusive doesn't mean always getting their way; it involves compromise, taking turns, and sometimes waiting. But trying to explain that to a 4 year old or 7 year old is easier said than done. In my opinion, dividing by age group or interest (and capability) makes more sense. Having said that though, I think the group divided should not be the norm. There should be give and take where they are still inclusive, but there are appropriate times to separate (such as basketball & the pool situation).

Edited August 1, 2017 by mytwomonkeys

[JustEm]

There are 19 cousins in my family ages ranging from 6 months to 19. In no world would no one be excluded the way you family does it work. Here no one is allowed to be excluded from group games. So if they are playing tag, everyone can play. But if they're playing basketball or a complex boardgame those that are unable to actually participate at the correct level are told that they need to wait until the next game.

If I were you I'd keep bringing it up until it gets discussed and figured out.

[Guest]

Inclusion does not mean someone gets to boss someone else around and direct all the play. It does mean everyone plays if they want to, so while a little fella wants to play bball, he should be let in. The way my son handles it is to invite the youngers over to play, then when they get tired they leave happiy and the olders up the game to suit their ability. If one comes back, they suggest he sit and watch and learn,.and then in a few minutes invite him back in. The olders may also announce a time when it will be just be big kids, and any littles will be invited to watch and learn rather than play. A good time for this is afternoon rest time. Usually some parents will be distributing drinks and making sure no excited little one dashes out.

 

Your dc need to handle it. They can excuse themselves briefly if the younger doesn't transition well from directing the play to joining in to the next group activity. They do not need to babysit the entire time, nor do they need to give up play at their level. Inclusion means their needs are met too.

[wintermom]

Yes, I think the older kids can be allowed to play on their own if they want, especially if it's an activity that where the littles could get hurt.

 

The parents are always responsible for their own children, and shouldn't put that burden on other children. 

 

We have 12 cousins of varying ages all gathering together almost every Sunday. The parents of the youngest ones are doing the monitoring and watching of their own children. Now that the youngest is 8, it's not as big a deal, but it's NEVER an expectation that the older ones 'babysit' the younger ones. The parents leave the group of adults and watch their young children.

[Rachel]

Reading your examples the 4 and 7 year old were out of line. The big kids did play with the 7 year old. But the 7 year old wasn't playing something fun for the older kids. The 4 year old really isn't big enough to play basketball with the older kids.

 

Does who ever made this rule think all the cousins need to play together all the time? That sounds like mass chaos to me.

 

I know you said you are an inlaw so you didn't feel like you could speak up, but in my family, in this case I would. I apply the inlaw rule to dealing with parents not siblings. In dealing with a situation like this in my family it would be the moms whether they were married into the family or not. In fact we recently had a situation in which all the siblings were frustrated with a decision a sibling had made involving a family reunion. One of my SILs spoke up that she didn't like the idea and it broke the ice for the siblings to also express frustration and compromise on a better plan.

[catz]

Always inclusive of 17 kids with an 11 year age span?  I don't think so.  We were in a playgroup with this rule and it was when my oldest was about 11 where this just wasn't working for him.  My kid is NOT the babysitter type either.  He was kind of born a little old man.  Parents are responsible for their own kids and sometimes older kids need their space.  It's only going to get worse from this point forward.   I am really not a huge fan of the oldest kids always having to accommodate the younger ones.  Does every adult there draw every child nearby into their conversations?  They're asking more of the older kids than of the adults most likely.

 

If you were going to bring it up, I might frame it as "Betsy and Suzie often feel overwhelmed and like they are babysitting when they need to include the youngers at all times".  Maybe you could designate a time when big cousins are the leaders and might even get paid for leading some activities for youngers.  But I think that is just set up for hard feelings.  The oldest cousins will just start to resent the get togethers.  Can your DH say something?

[Word Nerd]

I would intervene when needed and not allow another parent to call it inclusion to force other kids to keep playing a game they aren't interested in based only on her little darling's whims. I would speak up for their desire to do big kid things sometimes and help the younger child join in with one of the younger groups.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Annie G]

It's time for the older cousins to be able to separate from the younger ones a bit. That's how they are going to develop lasting relationships. They need time to talk, bond, and experience an age appropriate friendship with the cousin. Doesn't mean they aren't going to still hang out with the younger ones, and it doesn't mean they can intentionally be mean. 

 

In our own family there was an 11 year age range- our oldest was 11 when our youngest was born. No way would I have always required that the oldest include him.  Not even on a vacation. 

 

Having said all that, I have no idea how you might go about making a change.  But I really think this policy is outdated now that some of the cousins are getting older. 

[Rebel Yell]

I am the oldest of six cousins on one side, don't know the cousins on the other. DH is the youngest of 9 on one side, and maybe 20 on the other. Our three girls are the only grandchildren on both sides, so no cousins or current experience for them.

 

In my small group, my same-age cousin was either visiting alone, or not present with the youngers, so I either had a same-age cousin to fight with (were BFFs now) or ended up babysitting the babies. Zero fun for me.

 

DH mostly played by himself, the oldest were way older, many grown and married while he was in elementary school. Lumping cousins together due to their place in the family tree would have made zero sense.

 

For me, "no exclusions" would mean that anyone who is interested AND CAPABLE of playing gets to play. So if the older kids want to go for a bike ride, but the 2yo can't ride a bike, he can't go. It isn't fair to "exclude" the older kids from an activity they are interested in because some of the cousins can't or don't want to do it. What if a group of the cousins wants to sit and giggle and polish their toenails and put on glittery makeup and braid their hair? Would you make everyone do that activity or forbid it?

 

What would happen if, for example, the group went to a zoo as a fun trip. My local zoo has a kids playground area. It is designed for preschool and very young elementary ages, with older kids either not allowed or discouraged from playing (long time ago for me, can't remember) so... would the big kids be forced to stand around and watch the littlest, or would the littles not be allowed to use the playground? Why?

 

That rule probably made more sense when the oldest kids were younger and the others were babies or not born yet. But older kids should have opportunities for age-appropriate activities. When the oldest stop attending due to work or school or hatred/loss of interest... then the younger kids will be doing the activities the older kids wanted to do when they were thatbage but couldn't because there were stil youngers around. So the older kids get stuck in a time warp where they are perpetual little kids based in that they're allowed to do.

(Sorry, I hope that made sense... no coffee yet today!)

 

I do believe that for some things it should be all-ages, such as movies suited to the youngest, BUT oldest children should be allowed to opt out if they really cannot deal with a baby movie.

[Guest]

BTW, this idea of "everyone has to be included" was one reason my DD and the closest girl cousin had a fun thing they were doing end. One of the aunts had a "camp" of sorts with the two girls a couple years in a row. My daughter LOVED it and this is the only girl cousin in the midst of a clump of boy cousins. But the mom of the girl cousin wanted her sons to come, too and then another SIL with four boys wanted hers to come too. I think this overwhelmed the aunt who was doing the "camp" and she kind of begged off the next year and it never commenced again. 😪

 

My daughter still talks about how great that camp was until the boys "barged in and wrecked it." ðŸ˜

[BlsdMama]

 I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell a 4yr old that he can't play basketball with 11 year olds.

 

Anyone else have a family like this? What do you do? How should I bring this up again?

 

 

I think it's ridiculous someone would insist they play together honestly.  This is how little kids get hurt.  

 

Yeah, I'm with you, but I don't see a tactful way to insist on it as an inlaw.

[lovinmyboys]

Yes, the rule was implemented years ago when the big kids were about 6. I think I am going to suggest modifying it to "not excluding people who are capable and interested in playing." I am a pretty non-confrontational person and my 11yr old is really laid back. It is unusual for him to complain, so I think I need to do something.

 

We are the only family with big kids and little kids, so I feel like I have a decent perspective on the situation. Part of the problem is they have a family culture of "kids go play so adults can hang out." Which means they send all 17 grandchildren outside and sort of expect the older kids to watch the younger ones (without calling it "watching" or "babysitting" they call it "playing")My 9yr old loves babies, so he is happy to do that for awhile, but he also wants to be able to play basketball. I think what frustrates me is that my older kids do play with the little kids a lot, and then they don't get any time to do what they want to do. My SIL and I missed grownup hang out time when our kids were young because we watched them/entertained them. The parents of the little kids don't want to miss out on grownup time and just say "everyone needs to play nicely together" and expect my big kids to make that happen.

 

And I am not sure who the "boss" is at my MIL's house. Like if she says all kids need to play outside, can I let my older kids stay inside and play a board game?

[kewb]

I imagine the ones insisting are the parents of the younger children.  Sometimes, you just don't get things until you are in the parenting stage.  As an in-law I understand why you feel you can't bring it up.  Talk to your dh and see if he is on the same page as you and will he be willing to bring it up.

There is nothing wrong with insisting all the cousins do something together for a little while-an easy board game.  A game in the pool.  However, the older cousins need the opportunity to do big kid things without their little cousins before they become resentful of being unpaid babysitters.

[medawyn]

This is a strange policy to me.  I'm one of 31 cousins on one side of the family.  There are five of us (one of whom is my brother), and then a gap of 5 years.  I cannot imagine what would have happened to our relationships if we'd been required to always be inclusive.  From top to bottom, there is a 20 year gap.  If you just count the "younger" cousins, there is 13 year gap.

 

The other set of older cousins did not live in town, so when they visited it was a big deal, and we got lots of "big cousin" time.  No one had a problem with us running off to play our own games.  (And I have wonderful memories of that!)  Most of the rest of us lived close for a number of years.  I think my brother got left out a bit; he's five years older than the next one, so too big to want to play "baby games" but too little to really have been a babysitter.  I am 7 years older than the next one, and was a natural baby person, so I had lots of fun playing with babies and toddlers, and I think my aunts appreciated that, too.  By necessity, the huge group of kids that are all similar ages (within 3 years) are very close; I am less close to some of them or have different relationships.  At various points in my high school and college careers I would actually spend the summer babysitting or nannying for one family or another (most are families of 6+); it was a great experience and has led to relationships with all of them, but certainly different than "everyone has to play together".  My very youngest cousin actually ended up in my classroom my second year teaching!  He occasionally still calls me Miss  :lol:

 

There are many ways to ensure close family relationships, but I don't think the policy of "everyone plays or no one plays" is going to achieve that.

[Word Nerd]

I don't get the argument that because you're an in-law, you don't have the right to speak up. This is a parenting issue, and you are one of the parents too.

[Word Nerd]

There are many ways to ensure close family relationships, but I don't think the policy of "everyone plays or no one plays" is going to achieve that.

 

Or "everyone plays whatever the kid who throws the biggest tantrum wants to."

[lovinmyboys]

Or "everyone plays whatever the kid who throws the biggest tantrum wants to."

Writing this made me realize this is mostly what is happening. A little kid starts crying so the mom comes to find out why. Kid says they won't play dragons with me. And the mom makes the older kids (who aren't her kids) play dragons.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Writing this made me realize this is mostly what is happening. A little kid starts crying so the mom comes to find out why. Kid says they won't play dragons with me. And the mom makes the older kids (who aren't her kids) play dragons.

 

You have the right (and responsibility) to stick yup for your kids.  Being an inlaw doesn't change that imo.

[wintermom]

Writing this made me realize this is mostly what is happening. A little kid starts crying so the mom comes to find out why. Kid says they won't play dragons with me. And the mom makes the older kids (who aren't her kids) play dragons.

 

There are a variety of things you can do to deal with this manipulation/parenting style. Avoid it by being more present while the cousins play. When this situation occurs, you step in first and redirect your own children to another activity. If you are there, there is much less chance for another parent to step in and "parent" your children.

[heartlikealion]

If I'm understanding correctly, this is your dh's family? I would ask his opinion and have him broach the subject. 4 year old playing basketball doesn't really work. Sure he can try to dribble, but play horse or something? Not really. Not at regulation height.

[Rebel Yell]

(snipped) And I am not sure who the "boss" is at my MIL's house. Like if she says all kids need to play outside, can I let my older kids stay inside and play a board game?

Doesn't matter who the "boss" is at anyone's house... you are still the parent("boss") of your own children.

 

Are all of the ADULTS required to do the exact same thing together all of the time, too? Like do the men and women all cook and clean up together? Does every adult have to play cards or watch golf onnTV? If one has a beer, do you all have to have a beer? If one is gluten-free, is everyone forbidden from eating cake? If one adult wants to eat a steak, do they make the vegan eat a steak?

 

I have a fun tip that might stop the forced-inclusion in its tracks. Let's take the example of pool dragons or whatever the game was... the older kids are having a great time. Looks like fun, little kid wants to join so his mom throws a fit that he has to be included. "For the safety of the little kid" make it required that that child's own actual parent be responsible for actively helping her child participate. Like the "arms reach" rule many public pools have for non-swimmers? Mom can't chat in her lounge chair and hope an older sibling will help him swim. She has to GET OFF HER BUTT, get her butt wet, and help her own child her own self. I'd bet actual money that the minute parents have to actively help their child be included, they'll come up with new rules and ways to keep their children entertained that don't require so much of their time and attention.

 

NOT saying the parents of the younger kids are uninvolved or uncaring... just that they are likely unaware of the legitimate needs and desires of the older children. Especially when it changes and "slightly older little kids" turn into "older big kids"

 

And also, be proactive... ask your older kids what would be fun to do with little kids for a limited time, and what they would really enjoy doing with the bigger kids only for a time, and what might be a super-enticing activity for little kids to do while big kids are doing big kid stuff. Have some ideas ready to go so it has a good chance of being well received as a fun plan, rather than "mean selfish big kids wanting to exclude little kids"

[LucyStoner]

Honestly, usually, the parents of little kids who insist on this ARE using the older ones to keep an eye on their children.  It's something that drives me nuts with other large groups of homeschoolers.  No, no I am not going to make my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and his teenage friends "let your 4-year-old join in their Dungeons and Dragons game" off in the corner of the park.  Watch your own kid.  Also, don't chide the older kids for being teenagers and not wanting to babysit your toddlers.  

[Pink and Green Mom]

Honestly, usually, the parents of little kids who insist on this ARE using the older ones to keep an eye on their children.  It's something that drives me nuts with other large groups of homeschoolers.  No, no I am not going to make my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and his teenage friends "let your 4-year-old join in their Dungeons and Dragons game" off in the corner of the park.  Watch your own kid.  Also, don't chide the older kids for being teenagers and not wanting to babysit your toddlers.  

 

Or worse, complain that their littles have been exposed to "teenage language and ideas."

Edited August 1, 2017 by Pink and Green Mom

[Word Nerd]

Doesn't matter who the "boss" is at anyone's house... you are still the parent("boss") of your own children.

 

This.

[Rachel]

In general when we get together with my siblings, I'm still in charge of my kids. So if my MIL wanted the kids to go outside and my older ones were quietly playing a game, I would just say, "my big kids are going to keep playing." I can't imagine my MiL contradicting me. If my big kids were being rowdy and grandma needed a break that is different. It's also different if someone has a planned activity for the kids to participate in together.

 

All of my siblings and kids don't get together often, it's usually 2-3 of us with 6-8 kids. When that happens the majority of the adults talk while 1 or 2 adults supervise the kids. We take turns supervising so no one person is stuck watching the kids the whole time. It's not formal, we just kind of work it out.

[LucyStoner]

Or worse, complain that their littles have been exposed to "teenage language and ideas."

 

Oh, gosh yes.  

 

Once someone didn't like that the teens asked her 5-year-old to leave the room that had been specifically set up for the teens so that people would stop trying to police their teens' topics.  She posted a long rambling complaint about it on Facebook.  The teens involved didn't say or do anything mean.  They just wanted their space respected.  Um, how's about you ensure your small child doesn't go where they aren't allowed to be? 

Edited August 1, 2017 by LucyStoner

[Tanaqui]

Part of the problem is they have a family culture of "kids go play so adults can hang out." Which means they send all 17 grandchildren outside and sort of expect the older kids to watch the younger ones (without calling it "watching" or "babysitting" they call it "playing")

 

So they exclude people younger than they are? Because they want to do some activities with their age group and not younger ones? Wow. Next time they send the kids out to play, I'd have a hard time not saying "Oh, no, Sue, we don't exclude people!" and then carefully insisting everybody tailor their conversation to the kids. "I don't think Johnny is very interested in taxes, are you excluding him? We have to set a good example, guys! Let's talk about trucks instead!"

[I talk to the trees]

Forgive the grumpiness of my reply, but I think the next time, before everyone splits off into adults/kids, I would loudly praise the big kids for the job they have been doing babysitting the littles. Then I would suggest that they be paid for their time as any babysitter would, say $5 per little kid per hour? With 13 littles, that would be $65/hr. to be divided among the 4 big kids. When and if the adults complain, just tell the older kids that their babysitting services won't be needed today, that they can go hang out without the littles.

 

Btw...I was the youngest cousin in my family. I *hated* being dragged around by my older cousins, and they probably didn't care for having me around either. After an incident when I was 5 where I wound up in the E.R. because I wandered too close to a swinging bat in one of their baseball games, I was allowed to quietly read, color, or play on my own.

[kewb]

I don't get the argument that because you're an in-law, you don't have the right to speak up. This is a parenting issue, and you are one of the parents too.

I get it. I have a vastly different parenting style than dh's family. Anything I say is viewed through the lens of me and my hippie dippy parenting and dismissed. If dh says it, they won't agree but also won't be as dismissive. Only OP can decide if this is a hill she wants to die on.

[Farrar]

I've always hated the whole "no excluding anyone" rule. It just does not work to foster actual friendships in a large group. We had this issue in our relatively small co-op. Ds and a couple of the other kids back at the time had a couple of games they wanted to play. Another kid, who was younger, didn't like those games. So he would go, insist on being included, and then sabotage the game and go crying to his parent that he wasn't included well enough because they didn't play what he wanted. It was a nightmare. But when you've got this "everyone must play together no matter what" mentality, it's just ripe for all kinds of abuse in different ways.

 

If the goal is to foster relationships among the cousins, it seems to me that there should be some everyone in time, some free time, and some time carved out for the age groupings. And it doesn't have to be overwrought. It could be organic. Of course, not when all the parents are on different pages with what's right.

 

 

[Lecka]

I think it is a policy that can have a place when there is an impartial adult to tell kids when they are being inconsiderate of others, or need to make a different choice.

 

When a kid's parents don't step in, I think it is difficult.

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

I am the second oldest of 29 cousins. We were born in "groups". Three girls, three boys, two boys and two girls the same year...When were playing group games like Red Rover we weren't allowed to exclude anyone but we were allowed to break into our smaller groups other times. The only time someone was "forced" into a group that really didn't want them was my sister. She was born in a group of three boys as the only girl. There was a few years where the boys were interested in very boyish things she had no interest in and the younger girl group was still too young. My group would sometimes be told to include her. Eventually the younger girls caught up though and my sister fit better with them. Making all 29 of us play together would have been crazy! Especially now since the oldest is 36 and the youngest is 11. :-P I did pick up my youngest two cousins to spend the day with us last time we visited family, but that was so they could spend time with MY kids who are the same age. LOL

[Word Nerd]

I get it. I have a vastly different parenting style than dh's family. Anything I say is viewed through the lens of me and my hippie dippy parenting and dismissed. If dh says it, they won't agree but also won't be as dismissive. Only OP can decide if this is a hill she wants to die on.

 

It makes no sense that Aunt Soandso would be deemed to have more authority over the OP's kids than the OP herself.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Honestly, Ask one more time about older kids going to do something together and if they all say no drop it.  I just asked if our church youth group high school kids could do something without the middle school kids and the adult in charge asked me why would they want to do something without the younger kids?  He didn't get it.  His oldest is one of the youngest.  He see's it as excluding.  He won't get it until his kid is older and doesn't want to hang with younger. 

So ask.  Be prepared for a no.  Even plan it and offer to pay for just the older ones.  The parents either understand or they don't.  

[kewb]

It makes no sense that Aunt Soandso would be deemed to have more authority over the OP's kids than the OP herself.

It is not that aunt so and so has more authority. It is about family dynamics. It may be worth it to the OP to step in and make her voice heard. It may be worth it for the sake of her own peace of mind and family harmony to let her husband deal with his family. I have as little to do with one branch of dh's family tree as possible. It is just not worth it for me to step in and be steam rolled over. We tell the kids what to expect and they deal with it the few times of year we see them.

[poppy]

I was a big family as a kid (20+ cousins of all ages) and there was usually 1-2 bigger kids who LIKED playing baby sitter, and the other old kids could hang out together.

 

I'd be really irritated if the youngest always got to dictate everything.  And really whatever happened to "work it out among yourselves?" 

[Carol in Cal.]

1.  Invite just the older kids over sometime.

2.  In the situation in the OP, be more or less present, and also encourage and teach your kids to speak up but respectfully.  What if the 11YO had said, We are taking turns picking the games, and it was her turn for a long time?  Or, We are playing something else now, but of course she is welcome to join us if she'd like.  In fact, we invited her to do so.  Or, We are not excluding her; she just doesn't like our game.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Daria]

Obviously what's going on now isn't fair.  I'd be careful about thinking about this as "big kids" vs. "little kids".  I know in my family things often got divided that way, and the division was always between me and my sister (2 years apart).  I was constantly told not to bother the "big kids", but that meant that I was always grouped with kids 4, 5, 6 years younger.  It seemed a little unfair to expect me at 8 to sit with the 2 year olds, but to protect the 10 year olds from putting up with me.  

 

So, I'd do things like say, at one point, "Kids who are double digit need to help cook dinner tonight", or "This is for 8 and up", but also sometimes set the dividing line so the 7 year olds are included, etc . . . depending on the activity.

 

I'd also work with the bigger kids on ways to advocate for themselves politely.  My kid went to a preschool that had a "you can't say you can't play" rule, but they worked really hard with the kids on finding the right balance.  So you couldn't say "go away" or "you can't play", but you could say "I'd love to play later, but right now I'm playing chess and that's a game for 2 people" or "I want to be alone right now" or "Right now we're going off the diving board.  You're welcome to join us, but we don't want to play dolphins", or whatever, or "This game has already started, if you want to stay and watch, you can play the next game".  

[Bluegoat]

I think a rule like this can be useful sometimes, but it's limited.  It won't work all the time.  And as the kids get older in this case, it isn't going to work more and more.

 

I might just start treating the older kids differently myself.  Maybe asking what they would like to do, or saying "Can you play with the littles for an hour so the parents can get supper, than you can go do what you guys want."