Adult children and overnight bf/gf guests

[kewb]

Dh and I were discussing a family member last night and I was curious how others would feel about the situation.

 

The adult (23) child is living at home since graduation to save money and pay down student loans. Mom wants child to feel home is child's home too. Not just living in mom's house. Child's significant other spends the night in the child's bedroom, more often then not. Not married, not engaged, but they have been dating for a couple of years now.

 

No judgement on family member, they made a decision that does not concern me and I really don't care what they are doing.  It works for them and they are all okay with the arrangement.  It led to a discussion of what we would expect from our kids.

 

I don't think I would be okay with this.  I lived at home until I got married and I never would have had my boyfriend sleep with me while my parent was home.  It seems disrespectful to me because even though I was an adult I was sharing my parents home.  There were other people's feelings to take into consideration. To be honest, I am not sure what I am really objecting to if said child is an adult.

 

Dh thinks my thoughts on it is silly.  If adult child is being invited to treat the home like their home that means that there will be overnight guests.  Otherwise you don't really expect them to treat the home like their home and they are a guest.

Edited July 31, 2017 by kewb

[kiwik]

I agree with your husband.

[MotherGoose]

I wouldn't tell my adult child to treat my home as theirs. I would never have expected this of my parents either.

[marbel]

We had a thread on this recently, I think.

 

I'm with you on this.  I don't see myself/my husband having that sort of setup with our kids.

 

The adult child is living in his parents' home.  Sure, he's legally an adult but he's not fully launched yet.  He's living with them because he can't (or prefers not to, whatever) get a place of his own/with roommates.  There's nothing wrong with doing that if everyone in the home is OK with it!  My kids may live with us through college and beyond. (I hope not! :-) )  But if they do, they will still be living in the family home - not their own home.  And so, the parents' standard for behavior applies. 

 

I think it's a weird spot for a young adult.  They aren't a guest - it's their family home - but it's really still the parents' home.  

 

I think it would also be different if, say, an adult child moved back into the parents' home to care for them.  The dynamic is a little different there, maybe.  My thoughts are not fully-formed on that, though I have been in that situation (returning to parents' home after being out for a number of years, caring for sick father and later staying on with widowed mother till I married).  During those years it would never have occurred to me to bring a boyfriend home to spend the night, even when I was in my 30s. Even when I was engaged to my husband.   But if one of my kids had to do that for me (live with me to help me out), I might relax a little.  Not sure yet. 

 

But straight out of college, not fully launched?  No way. 

Edited July 31, 2017 by marbel

[DawnM]

Oh we did have a thread about this recently and it got a little heated.

 

If those are their rules, and it works for them, then great, have at it in whatever way you feel comfortable.

 

But for US, it is OUR house as we are the ones paying the bills every month, so our rules apply and we would not allow it.  And yes, these rules would still apply even if the child was paying rent.  Every place you live has some sort of rules, even if you own your own house.  Our city has ordinances and laws and we abide by them.  If we didn't agree, we would live elsewhere.

 

I love my children.  They are allowed to live with me at any time they need to, even as adults, but they do need to be respectful of my house and my rules.

[kewb]

I must have totally missed the last thread about this.  Otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up.  I was really curious about how people felt about it in their own home with their own children.  I don't care what the family member is doing.  Their house, their rules.  I think I am just trying to understand my own knee jerk, not my kids not my home reaction.

[Scarlett]

We would not allow it and none of our  boys would presume to even ask. 

 

Morality aside, I love my kids but they are not paying the mortgage and don't get to set the rules.

[kewb]

Even though my adult son doesn't live here anymore, I always want him to feel that this is his home.  When he visits with his girlfriend (they live together in another state), they always share his old bedroom.  My husband and I are both fine with this.

 

This falls under "that's different" in my mind.  Your son has flown and is living with his girlfriend not with you.  Family member in question has never lived on their own and is seriously dating but not in a committed live together relationship.  Totally irrational, I know. If my own kid was engaged or living with their significant other prior to moving back home then I think I would feel differently.

 

I suppose this is an exercise in futility since I am not in the situation. It has been an interesting lesson in trying to explore my own feelings on the subject.

[nixpix5]

I agree with you. For me it goes against my personal beliefs about a relationship so I would be hypocritical to not hold that boundary. My first adult children have done well for themselves so they have never had to move back home for any amount of time. Even if they did I feel my adult sons would not have wanted their gf to spend the night in their family home due to their younger siblings. My oldest does live with his gf and they have been together for 8 years. I support the decisions they make for themselves in their own house. That works for them.

[regentrude]

Wasn't there a very long thread about this topic just recently?

 

I have no problem with DS' gf staying over and sharing his room. I prefer that my children have the privacy and safety of our/their home to be with their significant others. 

My bf was allowed to stay with me when I still lived at my parents' house.

Edited July 31, 2017 by regentrude

[Tap]

I am fine with it.  DD18 and her boyfriend stay either here or at his house every night.  It is rare that they spend a night apart. I do not want dd18 to move out of my house due to her chronic health issues, so that influences my view a bit.

[gardenmom5]

my mother engaged in premarital and extra-marital relations - and even she had issues with my sister having her boyfriend spend the night when she lived at home.

 

my own family has strong opinions about relations outside marriage.  we'd love them -but it would never be allowed in our home.

 

eta: spelling  . . . sheesh.

Edited July 31, 2017 by gardenmom5

[kewb]

Wasn't there a very long thread about this topic just recently?

 

I have no problem with DS' gf staying over and sharing his room. I prefer that my children have the privacy and safety of our/their home to be with their significant others. 

My bf was allowed to stay with me when I still lived at my parents' house.

 

It seems there was and I totally missed it.  I brought it up because it is a conversation dh and I had the other day and I was trying to figure out why my feelings are what they are and wanted to see others opinions.  

 

For myself, I don't care what others do. I've got my own skeletons in the closet.  Dh was questioning my stance and I really didn't have a reason other than "I don't like it because it is not something I would have done." 

[Seasider]

We had a thread on this recently, I think.

 

I'm with you on this. I don't see myself/my husband having that sort of setup with our kids.

 

The adult child is living in his parents' home. Sure, he's legally an adult but he's not fully launched yet. He's living with them because he can't (or prefers not to, whatever) get a place of his own/with roommates. There's nothing wrong with doing that if everyone in the home is OK with it! My kids may live with us through college and beyond. (I hope not! :-) ) But if they do, they will still be living in the family home - not their own home. And so, the parents' standard for behavior applies.

 

I think it's a weird spot for a young adult. They aren't a guest - it's their family home - but it's really still the parents' home.

 

I think it would also be different if, say, an adult child moved back into the parents' home to care for them. The dynamic is a little different there, maybe. My thoughts are not fully-formed on that, though I have been in that situation (returning to parents' home after being out for a number of years, caring for sick father and later staying on with widowed mother till I married). During those years it would never have occurred to me to bring a boyfriend home to spend the night, even when I was in my 30s. Even when I was engaged to my husband. But if one of my kids had to do that for me (live with me to help me out), I might relax a little. Not sure yet.

 

But straight out of college, not fully launched? No way.

I tend to agree with this, based on the respect issue. Especially if there are younger siblings still living at home. I think that having a bf/gf sleepover is one of the "carrots" dangling before a young adult, incentivizing him/her to work towards the goal of independent living.

 

Good point, marbel, about the older caregiver circumstances. That miggt be an exception in my book, too.

 

And hey, we get these threads all of the time in which we share what we might do, based on our principles. I think it's hard to answer 100% until we step into a situation ourselves. With our YAs, we kind of casually bring up some scenarios and have hypothetical conversations, which gives us all a chance to feel each other out on certain issues. We haven't had the specific bf/gf sleepover hypothetical conversation yet, but maybe it's time to float that topic!

[Bluegoat]

It's interesting, but I have a slighly different set of thoughts on this than the other thread.

 

The main reason, I think, is that this serious gf is spending most nights there.

 

I've lived with a roommate in a shared situation who started to have a bf stay over 4 or 5 nights a week.  By extention, this also tended to mean having breakfast, snacks, watching tv, showering, a little laundry on occasion....

 

 Which is to say, he didn't seem like a guest, so much.  More like an extra, non-paying person who we didn't all choose to live with.  The landlord felt the same way - he said, start paying rent, buddy, because you aren't being a guest at this point.

 

I think the people in the OP can do what they like, of course.  But I don't necessarily feel like feeling like it was his own home means it is ok to inflict guests on everyone else to that extent, even a long term gf or bf.  If I were to agree to have my adult kids live at home, I'm not necessarily saying they can have a partner living here too.  It would be true, IMO, if they were living in their own [place with some roommates.

[SKL]

I think this is something that is initially hard for any parent to accept, but sooner or later many do accept it, and then it's not a big deal.

 

The idea that the child is treating the house as "his too" is interesting.  I think I would like my daughters to feel that way too, but I think this is the minority view.  So if it isn't their house, they are a guest, right?  Do guests get to have their significant others along when they visit?  Not really sure what the protocol is nowadays.  I think a guest should respect the host's sensitivities, so if it is known the host doesn't believe in [whatever the behavior], then the guest should refrain or go stay somewhere else.  I would assume a son/daughter knows his parents' preferences on that and is confident that the parents won't be upset.

 

I have told my daughters that they can live in my house with their husbands and kids if that's what works best in the future.  Obviously I would assume that if they lived in my house with their husbands, something other than praying is going to happen in those bedrooms.  So then if I have an opinion no whether they do that before marriage, it's going to be my general opinion about premarital activities, wherever undertaken.  Right now I don't want to think about my kids going there, but the chances are at least one of them will by age 23.  :p

 

I mean, what's the alternative if they are going to have relations?  Rent a room?  Use a classmate's couch?  Does that make it better?  I dunno.  Ask me again in about 10 years.  :p

Edited July 31, 2017 by SKL

[Seasider]

It's interesting, but I have a slighly different set of thoughts on this than the other thread.

 

The main reason, I think, is that this serious gf is spending most nights there.

 

I've lived with a roommate in a shared situation who started to have a bf stay over 4 or 5 nights a week. By extention, this also tended to mean having breakfast, snacks, watching tv, showering, a little laundry on occasion....

 

Which is to say, he didn't seem like a guest, so much. More like an extra, non-paying person who we didn't all choose to live with. The landlord felt the same way - he said, start paying rent, buddy, because you aren't being a guest at this point.

 

I think the people in the OP can do what they like, of course. But I don't necessarily feel like feeling like it was his own home means it is ok to inflict guests on everyone else to that extent, even a long term gf or bf. If I were to agree to have my adult kids live at home, I'm not necessarily saying they can have a partner living here too. It would be true, IMO, if they were living in their own [place with some roommates.

See, there's a good reason for Sheldon's roommate agreement 😆

[Tess in the Burbs]

We are in a weird place in society with this right now.  Back in the day unmarried people wouldn't be in the same room together overnight.  Until the generations that grew up that way have passed on, there is going to be conflict about this between the older people and younger people.  
 

DH and I did live together before marriage.  It killed my Christian mom.  I remember going camping with her before married and brought 1 tent.  She had a huge fit and was so mad at us.  Seriously?  I'm camping in a tent next to you.  I'm not doing anything in that tent with my mom beside me!?!??!  She was fine after we married.  When we visited before being married she insisted on separate rooms.  It was crazy, but whatever.  It's HER house.  We abided by the rules.  I guess since she didn't see us living together it wasn't happening in her mind?  Did she think being apart in her home would change our opinion?  I did as she asked, but it seemed crazy.  I love her, so I indulged in her rules. 

My own kids?  I'm not there yet...but at some point they may come home from college/adult life with a significant other.  If they are just dating I would ask them to do separate rooms.  If they are already living together what's the point?  Just more laundry...

 

 

[Lady Florida.]

I agree with your dh. I lived the situation when dss was an adult at home. His gf at the time (not who he eventually married) often spent the night. We considered him an adult living with us and treated him as such.

[Ravin]

We found this reasonable for BIL when he lived with us for over a decade (he was 20 when he moved in, I think?). His girlfriend lived with us for several years also, and eventually his second girlfriend who is now his wife.

 

I see no reason why an adult child the same age should be treated any differently. It would not be unreasonable for an adult child to have overnight guests. What they do behind closed doors in adult child's room is their own business.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Ravin

[regentrude]

We found this reasonable for BIL when he lived with us for over a decade (he was 20 when he moved in, I think?). His girlfriend lived with us for several years also, and eventually his second girlfriend who is now his wife.

 

I see no reason why an adult child the same age should be treated any differently. It would not be reasonable for an adult child to have overnight guests. What they do behind closed doors in adult child's room is their own business.

 

The bolded seems contradictory. Now I am confused. 

[Wheres Toto]

I'd be fine with it in my house but the practicalities wouldn't work out that way.  We have a very small house and if oldest dd ever stays here again for any length of time, she'll most likely be sharing a bedroom with her younger sister.  Obviously there will be no boyfriends staying over in that situation.  She currently lives with my mother and her boyfriend does stay over there on occasion.   I'm pretty sure she also stays over at his house, which is his family home living with his mother.   Both of them have been away at college.  Dd has graduated but will be returning for grad school.  He has one year left and will be living at home for that last year.

 

If dd ever moved farther away and came to visit with a significant other, we'd probably do what we do when dh's parents come visit - stick both kids in one bedroom and let the visiting couple use the other room.  Those rooms only have twin beds but dd has a pop-up trundle bed that can be pushed together into a king.

[Crimson Wife]

Parents' house, parents' rules. If adult offspring doesn't like the parents' rules about overnight guests, he/she can get his/her own place to live.

 

I do have to say that if the parents have a rule, they need to be consistent in enforcing said rule and not banish oldest child's fiance to the guest sofa 2 weeks prior to the wedding but then later allow unmarried (and no plans to get engaged) GF of younger child to stay in younger child's room. :glare:

Edited July 31, 2017 by Crimson Wife

[Guest]

Non-conjugal relations under our roof is pretty much a heck no, under any circumstances. Get married or sleep in separate bedrooms. I don't control what you do in your own home but if the adult child is living with us? Them's the rules.

[Farrar]

I think this is one of those things that people have radically different opinions and feelings about and you just have to agree to disagree. Unless it's your dh. In that case, you probably have to work it out. Which is too bad because my experience reading that other thread led me to believe that people are *very* set in their views on this issue.

 

I had sex with multiple partners in my mother's house, mostly with her knowledge, once I was legally an adult. It included while she was supporting me by letting me live at home over the summer while I was in school. Not that I think it makes much of a difference. I have zero issue with my own children choosing to have consensual sex in my home, even before they're legal adults. Money has nothing to do with it for them either.

[Loowit]

We will not allow non-married couples to share bedrooms in our home.  Our children know this, an while it hasn't been an issue yet since they are still young, it may be in the future.  I hope that my children will respect our rules, even if in the future they decide they don't agree with our stance.

 

As far as the situation in the OP, I would find it difficult for a child to pretty much move another adult into our home without discussing it with us first regardless of romantic status with the friend.

[wendyroo]

I don't think I would be okay with this.  I lived at home until I got married and I never would have had my boyfriend sleep with me while my parent was home.  It seems disrespectful to me because even though I was an adult I was sharing my parents home.  There were other people's feelings to take into consideration. To be honest, I am not sure what I am really objecting to if said child is an adult.

 

In my mind, it call comes down to the bolded.

 

If an adult (be it my child or not) was living in my house, I would have strong feelings about them not smoking inside, about them not leaving messes in communal areas, about them not leaving dirty dishes in their rooms, etc.  Those are all things that effect me and the safety/cleanliness of my home.

 

But what they do in the privacy of their own room?  Please keep it quiet enough not to disturb the rest of us, but otherwise I don't have feelings about the sex lives of other adults.  I may object to a freeloading boyfriend or girlfriend constantly over eating my food and using my hot water, but I don't see how it would impact me at all if my adult house guest simply had a guest of their own in their bedroom overnight.

 

Wendy

[Crimson Wife]

 I mean, what's the alternative if they are going to have relations?  Rent a room?  Use a classmate's couch?  Does that make it better?  I dunno.  Ask me again in about 10 years.  :p

 

Same as young people have been doing for ages- cars, secluded outdoor areas, movie theaters that are relatively empty, etc.

 

Just because the adult offspring may go ahead and have TeA anyways does NOT mean that the parent needs to condone the activity by providing a private area in the home for it.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I mean, what's the alternative if they are going to have relations?  Rent a room?  Use a classmate's couch?  Does that make it better?  I dunno.  Ask me again in about 10 years.  :p

 

How about... get their own place to live?

 

I know most don't agree with this, but I see sex as very much an adult activity.  More so than other activities such as driving or drinking alcohol (mentioned because I figure someone is going to bring those up).   So, if a person wants to engage in an adult activity... they should live like an adult. To me, fully living as an adult means not living in mom and dad's house (with the exception of an adult returning to help out, or be a caregiver, or because financial necessity requires it).   

 

if my kid wants to have sex, it's not up to me to provide a comfy place for it. I think someone already said that upthread.  Maybe if there isn't a comfy place provided by mom and dad, they'll be more inclined to find their own place.  

 

And yes, my kids will always be welcome to live with me if it is necessary for any of us.  But I hope they will want to live as independent adults as much as possible.  

[Laura Corin]

If I have agreed that an adult child can live at home, then I want it to be his home as well as mine. There are rules that allow us all to get along, but I don't police his life. Partners welcome.

[Mom22ns]

In my mind this is a choice. If you are saying "This is your home too, make yourself at home.", then they can sleep together if they want. If you say, "This is my home, but you are welcome here." then you are maintaining authority to set whatever rules you'd like. It is your choice, but don't say one thing then expect the other. 

 

We haven't really had this issue. Dd's boyfriend comes and spends the night every other week (the other weeks she goes there). They sleep in the guest bedroom when they are at each other's parent's houses. However, my guest bedroom and dd's room are both in the basement. I don't patrol  :lol: .

 

If having sex outside of marriage is against your morals and you don't want it in your house or as an example to younger children in the family, I would never say you should allow it. I would just say you should be a bit more forthright from the beginning with your expectations. 

[elegantlion]

When I was a young adult and wanted to stay overnight I did, just not at my house. 

 

I should look at the other thread and read what I wrote.  :lol: But for me, I have an intergenerational house with my mom and son. This is his home and *I* would have no problem allowing a gf to stay over in his room. My mom might object. 

 

We have had opposite sex overnight guests who slept in the living room mainly because people had been drinking and they generally leave upon waking, not like hanging out all the next day. 

 

I also think discretion is important. No running around the house in various stage of undress, etc. I am not against sex before marriage, I'd probably encourage it in a committed relationship because there is a level of intimacy that I believe is important to consider before committing one's life to that person. 

 

As mentioned above, this is a different generation. A lot of my friends got their own place at 18 so they could do exactly what they wanted (I'm 50 now). Rents are prohibitive now in many places. One reason ds still lives at home is to avoid housing costs at college. I don't want him to put his entire life on hold because he still lives at home. I would rather ds have sex in the privacy of his own room rather than trying to sneak around and find someplace. 

 

As long as it wasn't being made awkward by her trying to stay here long term or being obnoxious, I'd have no problem. I'm probably not going to make them waffles and bacon in the morning. 

 

As for me, even at my age, I'd feel a bit weird about having a boyfriend stay over unless they were crashed in the living room. I'd be more prone to go to their place. 

[barnwife]

Parents' house, parents' rules. If adult offspring doesn't like the parents' rules about overnight guests, he/she can get his/her own place to live.

 

I do have to say that if the parents have a rule, they need to be consistent in enforcing said rule and not banish oldest child's fiance to the guest sofa 2 weeks prior to the wedding but then later allow unmarried (and no plans to get engaged) GF of younger child to stay in younger child's room. :glare:

Please explain why can't rules change. People certainly do. Maybe the parents changed religions and no longer believe it's immoral. In which case perhaps the rules evolved and they are being consistent.

 

As for the OP, our oldest is 7, so my views might change, but I doubt it. (We are Catholic.) Boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancees all stay in separate rooms in our house.

 

 

[SereneHome]

I lived with my parents well into my 20s and I have never brought boyfriends home to spend the night.  It's not even a religious thing, it's just....not appropriate.  That's how I felt about doing it myself and that's how I feel about my kids doing it.

 

Also, the guys I dated usually lived within 30 min   - what exactly would be the reason for them to stay over?

 

Ever since I had kids I learned the hard way not to have preconceived notions anything children related, so who knows what will happen.  But that's how I feel today

[marbel]

Please explain why can't rules change. People certainly do. Maybe the parents changed religions and no longer believe it's immoral. In which case perhaps the rules evolved and they are being consistent.

 

As for the OP, our oldest is 7, so my views might change, but I doubt it. (We are Catholic.) Boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancees all stay in separate rooms in our house.

 

 

 

I can't speak for CW, though I remember her talking about this on other threads.

 

I think people can change their minds, but I think then they need to acknowledge it and if appropriate, apologize to the older children.

 

I've told about this before: a relative of mine had a very firm rule of no bf/gf sleepovers. The older children obeyed the rule. A middle child didn't want to, and told the parent that they wouldn't come visit at Christmas if the bf couldn't sleep over.  Boom, that was all it took for the parent to change her mind.  There was no explanation to the older children, who were angry because they'd always obeyed the rule. There was also no explanation to the youngers, who were confused. Was the rule important or not?  What made this bf different so that it was OK for him to sleep over?  Etc etc.  The parent gave no explanation: she hadn't really changed her mind about non-marital sex/sleeping together, but wanted her kid home for Christmas.  

 

Oh, besides anger and confusion on the part of the older/younger siblings, there was a loss of respect for the parent all the way around.  

 

So sure, people change their minds. But it's good to be transparent about it with the children it affects.

Edited August 1, 2017 by marbel

[Crimson Wife]

Please explain why can't rules change. People certainly do. Maybe the parents changed religions and no longer believe it's immoral. In which case perhaps the rules evolved and they are being consistent.

 

Nope, parents are still the same religions they've always been. They are not against premarital TeA. In fact, one of their main objections to me marrying DH was that he was my first serious relationship and they thought I should "sow my wild oats" before settling down at the "proper" age of 30 +/- a couple years.

 

They changed the rules for my brothers because they treated me very unfairly in general and this was only one example of that unfairness.

 

[QueenCat]

Please explain why can't rules change. People certainly do. Maybe the parents changed religions and no longer believe it's immoral. In which case perhaps the rules evolved and they are being consistent.

 

As for the OP, our oldest is 7, so my views might change, but I doubt it. (We are Catholic.) Boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancees all stay in separate rooms in our house.

 

 

 

Yes, exactly. Circumstances change, views change. There are so many views that have changed for me over the years that there is no way I could do the same things that I did ten years ago.

[QueenCat]

Nope, parents are still the same religions they've always been. They are not against premarital TeA. In fact, one of their main objections to me marrying DH was that he was my first serious relationship and they thought I should "sow my wild oats" before settling down at the "proper" age of 30 +/- a couple years.

 

They changed the rules for my brothers because they treated me very unfairly in general and this was only one example of that unfairness.

 

 

If they weren't being fair to you, why would you want them to continue being unfair to your brothers? 

[Ravin]

The bolded seems contradictory. Now I am confused. 

 

typo. Edited to correct.

[Ravin]

Parents' house, parents' rules. If adult offspring doesn't like the parents' rules about overnight guests, he/she can get his/her own place to live.

 

I do have to say that if the parents have a rule, they need to be consistent in enforcing said rule and not banish oldest child's fiance to the guest sofa 2 weeks prior to the wedding but then later allow unmarried (and no plans to get engaged) GF of younger child to stay in younger child's room. :glare:

 

In my house, we couldn't enforce a rule of no overnight guests for adult kids without being hypocrites.

 

Out of curiosity, was the younger child a different gender from the older one?

[kewb]

Having been reading replies with interest.  They have helped me examine my feelings about it. I kind of hope neither child wants to have an overnight guest so I don't have to deal with these feelings and can continue to live in blissful ignorance.

[zimom]

Our three kids are spaced fairly far apart, DS1, DD2, DD3.  DS1 lived back at home his senior year in college and a year after.  The expectation was that he was to be very discrete with his long term girlfriend due to his sisters ages.   If I remember correctly, they started dating when DD3 was around 8.   Recently this same girlfriend has moved in with him about an hour away from home.  Of course, we have been honest with both girls and they are now a young and late teen.  If they do stay here at the house again they will be allowed to stay in the same room.  Considering GFs mom threatened to disown her when she moved in with my son, I'm guessing they won't be allowed to stay at her house together.  

[Crimson Wife]

If they weren't being fair to you, why would you want them to continue being unfair to your brothers? 

 

I never said it was unfair to make my fiance & now DH sleep on the sofa. Their house, their rules.

 

What is unfair is selective enforcement of the "no unmarried couples sleeping in the same room" rule for one child and not the others. What's good for the goose should be good enough for the gander.

[Crimson Wife]

And it is doubly unfair to selectively enforce a rule against a couple that was formally engaged and had a wedding date literally 2 weeks later but not enforce it against a couple who were not just unmarried but not even considering marriage.

[QueenCat]

I never said it was unfair to make my fiance & now DH sleep on the sofa. Their house, their rules.

 

What is unfair is selective enforcement of the "no unmarried couples sleeping in the same room" rule for one child and not the others. What's good for the goose should be good enough for the gander.

 

 

And it is doubly unfair to selectively enforce a rule against a couple that was formally engaged and had a wedding date literally 2 weeks later but not enforce it against a couple who were not just unmarried but not even considering marriage.

 

Fair and equal are not the same. I do not treat my children equally. I strive to treat them fairly. That does not mean getting the same thing but rather what is "best" for us and them at that point in life. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

Out of curiosity, was the younger child a different gender from the older one?

 

Absolutely. I'm not just the oldest child but the only daughter. I don't resent that my parents were strict with me. I just resent the differential treatment.

 

[Crimson Wife]

Fair and equal are not the same. I do not treat my children equally. I strive to treat them fairly. That does not mean getting the same thing but rather what is "best" for us and them at that point in life. 

 

If you're not going to treat them equally, you better have a DANG good reason for the difference. My youngest daughter needs different treatment many times because of her disabilities. But my two typically developing children I work VERY hard to make sure they get equal treatment as much as possible in order to be fair.

 

There was no good reason for my parents to treat my fiance and me one way and my unmarried brother and his GF a totally different way. Either have the rule and enforce it equally, or don't have the rule at all.

[QueenCat]

If you're not going to treat them equally, you better have a DANG good reason for the difference. My youngest daughter needs different treatment many times because of her disabilities. But my two typically developing children I work VERY hard to make sure they get equal treatment as much as possible in order to be fair.

 

There was no good reason for my parents to treat my fiance and me one way and my unmarried brother and his GF a totally different way. Either have the rule and enforce it equally, or don't have the rule at all.

 

The simple fact that their view changed on what was right/wrong is a reasonable reason for their rule on what they allow to change. 

[LucyStoner]

I'm with your husband on this.  I see what you are saying, but I disagree.  My husband and I agree with each other on us.  While my husband and I have a sexual partner count that totals one only, we do not have a particular moral objection to extramarital sex.  I don't want my young adult children feeling like they have to pretend or sneak around.  It seems phony and silly to me.  We teach that sex is a serious decision to be taken seriously and that there are significant benefits to delaying sex until they are adults but not that they need to wait until marriage unless that is a decision they want to make.  

[DawnM]

If you're not going to treat them equally, you better have a DANG good reason for the difference. My youngest daughter needs different treatment many times because of her disabilities. But my two typically developing children I work VERY hard to make sure they get equal treatment as much as possible in order to be fair.

 

There was no good reason for my parents to treat my fiance and me one way and my unmarried brother and his GF a totally different way. Either have the rule and enforce it equally, or don't have the rule at all.

 

 

I am very sorry you were slighted and I am very sorry you were made to feel that things weren't fair.

 

I get upset when I think about my husband's family and the extreme favoritism his mother shows to his sister over the rest of them.

 

However, I would also suggest you get the emotional support you need, probably though therapy, so that you can find some coping skills to help you.  You won't forget, but you can feel better about the situation.

 

I have gone to therapy.  Not for this particular issue, but it really did help ME to think differently and realize I can't change others, I can't change the past, and I don't have to forget or deny my feelings  in order to move on and feel better about myself.