.deleted

[Bootsie]

I can easily see how the chiken comment could be taken as criticism, especially if there had been, in his mind, previous comments that were seen as criticism.  What I think I would be more likely to see is micromanagement (although I don't think I had heard that term at 19, so it would probably not have been what I would have used to express my discomfort).  I can imagine him thinking:  "This is my future MIL.  My GF is going home and telling her mom what we are eating at home often enough that future MIL is taking note and calculating the % of the time that we eat chicken vs red meat.  Then future MIL is reporting this to a nurse as a possible explanation for GF's medical issues."   This was could easily be construed as a "we" and "they" issue, not an issue about what your daughter's diet is.

 

If your DD eats 21 meals a week and you serve red meat 2-3 times per week; that is about 10% of the meais.  What percentage is DD really eating at BF's house?  If she really is eating so many meals at BFs house that this is a significant change in the content of her diet, maybe he feels at some level you are not the best person to be answering the question.  

 

 

[Scarlett]

No, you wouldn't have to give me gushing compliments. Sometimes it's not even a compliment, just letting me know you're human also.

 

Here is an example. I taught Sunday school. I had a kid that was really difficult. Acted out a lot in class. I had to talk to his mom about it. Instead of just saying "your kid is doing x, y, z" I sandwiched it in between a compliment "your son is a great kid" (I really did believe he was a great kid. No false compliments), and telling her that my kids weren't perfect either. I wanted her to know that I was human too. I wasn't trying to be perfect.

 

That might not come naturally to you. Being blunt or assuming the right iintent doesn't come naturally to me. But, I realize that I need to work on it. And I am. When I respect someone I try to relate to them in a way that works for them.

 

Kelly

 

 

When someone relays information to me the way you did in your example I am immediately on high alert waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I would MUCH prefer to hear 'Scarlett your ds is misbehaving in class.  Lets talk about how we can both help him do better.' 

 

I feel like I am being manipulated with the 'nicey nice.'  

 

I have the rare curse of being HSP and also very blunt.  I am not easily offended however.  

 

If the boyfriend thinks Tap doesn't like him I am sure every word out of her mouth is going to offend him.  Tap I would be aware but not worry too much about it.  He will grow up most likely.  

[scrapbookbuzz]

he may be reluctant to give information because it is used against him by at least one person in his family.  you might want to keep conversation light and generic.  i.e. the weather, sports, movies.

I learned to never give information to my grandmother because she WOULD use it against us.   even to say "i love you" would be used against us.  it wasn't a matter of "if", only a matter of "when".

:(

[scrapbookbuzz]

Reading through the responses, I realize so many of you are much more diplomatic than I am (or ever will be, truthfully). 

Sorry, Tap, but reading about your dd's boyfriend's responses, the fact that he is older than 18 and still being offended by things people aren't saying

made me think, "That boy needs to get over himself!"

Maybe there is a family history of hidden messages in verbal chat, but even so, it is his issue that he needs to learn to deal with.

I didn't see anything wrong with what you said to the nurse. You were focused on dd and her health issues, not the boyfriend, exactly as you should have been,

and were thinking more about answering the nurses question concisely, not about how it would affect anyone's feelings.

 

Personally, by what you've said so far, I really don't think YOU need to change. Plus, I don't think you changing would help this young man. I have a feeling he's 

going to "read between the lines" no matter what you say.

[Tap]

.

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Seasider]

Wow. So many great answers!!! I love this board! I am so happy to have both view points so eloquently presented that it gave me a lot to think about.

 

 

 

What I have decided to do.....nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am not even going to bring him up to DD unless she says something and I know she won't. I will not play his game and I really feel that he is trying to find things to hate about me. I have no idea why, but that is the reality of the situation. Anything I say right now won't change anything, with her or him, so I am going to keep my mouth Shut! I am not going to say A single word to her about him. That is how this all got started. I was frustrated because he kept talking over me one day, and texted her about it. She showed him the text and that is why this all came out. (ETA: Something I profusely apologized for to him and her, which made no difference to him).

 

I told DS22, who lives at home (youth pastor -so lots of experience with this age group) about the situation and he agrees the kid is trying to find fault or has something wrong in his life that he is using me as a punching bag for. I asked him to be honest and he said that he has never heard me treat anyone the way the boy says I treated him. DS22's friends are very comfortable here. He said he will watch and let me know if my tone seems different when the boyfriend is around, just incase I have some unseen hostility towards him LOL. (well, maybe I will now LOL)

 

I do lots of nice things for DD, (and now the boyfriend), to make life happy and more comfortable. I haven't decided yet if I will continue those things or not. Lots of little things. Like I often make smoothies in the morning. I would wait until I hear them awake and deliver them to DD's bedroom with toast (both of their favorite breakfast). I do the same when her girlfriends stay over, so it was a natural extension to do it when he stayed over as well. Another example, when I know they are coming over to sleep here, I turn down the AC 2* before they come over because her room is furthest from the AC and her room gets warm with two people in it. That makes the rest of the house colder too and raises my bill, but I did it to make them more comfortable. So many little tiny things that I do, day in and day out, because I like to. Favorite drinks in the fridge. Favorite snacks in the pantry, etc. I have to decide if I will let him change who I am and what I like to do for my kids. I will definitely stop doing anything specifically just for him or really even chatting with him at all, just to decrease the ammunition against me. I would never be rude or cold, but I can be cordial and not do those things that are above and beyond. I know he won't be over anytime soon, so I have time to think it over.

 

 

Anyways, wish me luck and I hope I can hold my tongue. LOL I really want to sit dd down and have a long chat, but I know that will just go back to him right now......so that won't be happening. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really, really appreciate it!!!

 

 

BTW just to clarify the nap.... they had been snowshoeing and it was 9-10pm when they went to take a nap. The roads were bad so that is why I was wondering if he needed to be home at a certain time. They were on school break and often stayed up till 3-4am so a 9pm nap made sense that night. I had this in the original post but accidentally edited it out.

You are running a 5-star concierge service and he's looking for reasons to hate you? Foolish young man there.

 

I understand doing these very nice extra touches gives you much joy, but.... well, you are way nicer than me!

 

Maybe he's embarrassed because his own mom isn't as hospitable? Who can say. My knee jerk reaction is to quit all the nice stuff, but maybe that would mean they end up spending more time at his place?

[Grover]

If you know it will get back to him, perhaps a heart to heart with DD is just what is needed.  Something along the lines of:

I'm really concerned by what BF raised with me and I told him and want you to know too that I never meant any offence in any of the things I said or did.  You know me and I know BF is very important to you and I hope he will feel happy here as part of our family when he is here with us.  Please let me know if BF is confused about anything I have said or done, becuase I know you know I am transparent and htere's no subtext to what I'm saying or doing.  Love you lots. 

[Pen]

Does DS22 think bf is good for DD?  Or is DD potentially also a punching bag for some sort of problem?

[Jaybee]

I can intimidate people by sitting silently in a corner with a poker face. That's a special skill.  :glare:

 

Oh Rosie, how I wish we could 'like' your posts! Consider this 'liked.'

[sassenach]

You are running a 5-star concierge service and he's looking for reasons to hate you? Foolish young man there.

 

I understand doing these very nice extra touches gives you much joy, but.... well, you are way nicer than me!

 

Maybe he's embarrassed because his own mom isn't as hospitable? Who can say. My knee jerk reaction is to quit all the nice stuff, but maybe that would mean they end up spending more time at his place?

My guess is that he doesn't even notice them. Off-topic, but I am not a details person. I tend to not notice kind gestures, and also not do a whole lot of them. I just don't think of those details. I have offended a number of people over the years by either not noticing their kind gesture, or not doing one of my own for someone. 

 

 

As for the bf, I think doing nothing is absolutely the right call. IME, people who want to be offended will find a way to be offended. I would do your best not to get bitter about it and just carry on. This is honestly a fear of mine relative to my kids' future mates. Highly sensitive people and I do not mesh. Thankfully, I think my kids are abrasive enough to not land with a super sensitive person, but who knows! We are such total straight shooters in this family, it would make me totally crazy to have to tip toe around a bf/gf.

[Pen]

If you know it will get back to him, perhaps a heart to heart with DD is just what is needed.  Something along the lines of:

I'm really concerned by what BF raised with me and I told him and want you to know too that I never meant any offence in any of the things I said or did.  You know me and I know BF is very important to you and I hope he will feel happy here as part of our family when he is here with us.  Please let me know if BF is confused about anything I have said or done, becuase I know you know I am transparent and htere's no subtext to what I'm saying or doing.  Love you lots. 

 

 

I think a heart to heart with DD may be a good idea at some point, but not to have it get back to bf.  More because there may be important concerns, emotional and physical to talk with DD about.

[Anne]

I can intimidate people by sitting silently in a corner with a poker face. That's a special skill.  :glare:

 

:lol:

 

Anne 

[Anne]

If you know it will get back to him, perhaps a heart to heart with DD is just what is needed.  Something along the lines of:

I'm really concerned by what BF raised with me and I told him and want you to know too that I never meant any offence in any of the things I said or did.  You know me and I know BF is very important to you and I hope he will feel happy here as part of our family when he is here with us.  Please let me know if BF is confused about anything I have said or done, becuase I know you know I am transparent and htere's no subtext to what I'm saying or doing.  Love you lots. 

 

I really like this!!!!

 

Anne

[Valley Girl]

 

  I am not going to say A single word to her about him. That is how this all got started.  I was frustrated because he kept talking over me one day, and texted her about it.  She showed him the text and that is why this all came out.  (ETA: Something I profusely apologized for to him and her, which made no difference to him).

 

That was not cool of your DD. At all. I assume she would not want a frustration she shared with you about the boyfriend or someone in his family to be repeated to the person in question.

 

Saying nothing is what I would do. You're bending over backwards to be kind. You've apologized for the texted comment your daughter shared. At this point, I'd count him as the problem and just be polite, friendly, but keep any conversation general. And I'd always, always assume anything I said to DD or in her hearing will be repeated.

 

[zoobie]

Did he apologize for talking over you constantly? I'm guessing no. This would be a painful relationship to navigate and endure.

[SereneHome]

I don't have any young adults yet and don't have daughters, but I think I would be quite hurt if my child shared what I talked to him about with their SO.

 

In any case, Tap - I think you are holding yourself with a lot of grace and being very kind and generous to both, your DD and her boyfriend.  So, as far as I am concern - KUDOS TO YOU!

 

Bc frankly, if some 18 yr old kid was telling me how "negative" I am towards him, all while staying at my house and eating my food and getting breakfast delivered in bed- I am  not sure how much longer he would be staying at my house.....

[Remudamom]

Sounds like he is the problem, not you.  Of course, knowing that won't help fix it.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that compliment sandwiches are manipulation.  I don't know which self-appointed communication guru recommended this approach in the first place, but s/he had no idea what s/he was talking about.  Anyone talking this approach is running a huge risk of it backfiring.

[solascriptura]

I agree that compliment sandwiches are manipulation. I don't know which self-appointed communication guru recommended this approach in the first place, but s/he had no idea what s/he was talking about. Anyone talking this approach is running a huge risk of it backfiring.

Yeah, I usually see it as manipulation too. I'm very thick skinned and will listen through all the added fluff. However, it will make me wonder if that person is pretty fake.

[AFwife Claire]

 

As for the bf, I think doing nothing is absolutely the right call. IME, people who want to be offended will find a way to be offended. I would do your best not to get bitter about it and just carry on. This is honestly a fear of mine relative to my kids' future mates. Highly sensitive people and I do not mesh. Thankfully, I think my kids are abrasive enough to not land with a super sensitive person, but who knows! We are such total straight shooters in this family, it would make me totally crazy to have to tip toe around a bf/gf.

Ha, this is me too!  I do not have time to worry about girlfriends and boyfriends getting offended by how I present a gift or some of these other ticky-tack things mentioned on this thread!  Whenever we've seen examples of people in real life completely over-reacting to something little (or just perceived), I try to point them out to my older kids and mention how difficult they would be to live with, as opposed to someone who just lets things roll off.  Gah . . . keeps me praying!

Edited August 2, 2017 by AFwife Claire

[Bootsie]

 I am not going to say A single word to her about him. That is how this all got started.  I was frustrated because he kept talking over me one day, and texted her about it.  She showed him the text and that is why this all came out.  (ETA: Something I profusely apologized for to him and her, which made no difference to him).

 

What was the purpose of sending your daughter a text?  If there were concerns that you had about whether she was involved in a healthy relationship, I think this is something that is best handled in a conversation, not a text.  Was the text sent, expecting her to take some action?  Was she expected to correct the situation?  Or, was it just a complaint you were making to her about her boyfriend?  

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[foxbridgeacademy]

Wow. So many great answers!!!  I love this board!  I am so happy to have both view points so eloquently presented that it gave me a lot to think about.

 

 

 

What I have decided to do.....nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I am not even going to bring him up to DD unless she says something and I know she won't.  I will not play his game and I really feel that he is trying to find things to hate about me.  I have no idea why, but that is the reality of the situation. Anything I say right now won't change anything, with her or him, so I am going to keep my mouth Shut!  I am not going to say A single word to her about him. That is how this all got started.  I was frustrated because he kept talking over me one day, and texted her about it.  She showed him the text and that is why this all came out.  (ETA: Something I profusely apologized for to him and her, which made no difference to him).

 

I told DS22, who lives at home (youth pastor -so lots of experience with this age group) about the situation and he agrees the kid is trying to find fault or has something wrong in his life that he is using me as a punching bag for.   I asked him to be honest and he said that he has never heard me treat anyone the way the boy says I treated him.  DS22's friends are very comfortable here.  He said he will watch and let me know if my tone seems different when the boyfriend is around, just incase I have some unseen hostility towards him LOL.  (well, maybe I will now LOL)

 

I do lots of nice things for DD, (and now the boyfriend), to make life happy and more comfortable. I haven't decided yet if I will continue those things or not.  Lots of little things. Like I often make smoothies in the morning.  I would wait until I hear them awake and deliver them to DD's bedroom with toast (both of their favorite breakfast).  I do the same when her girlfriends stay over, so it was a natural extension to do it when he stayed over as well.  Another example, when I know they are coming over to sleep here, I turn down the AC 2* before they come over because her room is furthest from the AC and her room gets warm with two people in it. That makes the rest of the house colder too and raises my bill,  but I did it to make them more comfortable.   So many little tiny things that I do, day in and day out, because I like to. Favorite drinks in the fridge. Favorite snacks in the pantry, etc.  I have to decide if I will let him change who I am and what I like to do for my kids. I will definitely stop doing anything specifically just for him or really even chatting with him at all, just to decrease the ammunition against me.   I would never be rude or cold, but I can be cordial and not do those things that are above and beyond. I know he won't be over anytime soon, so I have time to think it over.

 

 

Anyways, wish me luck and I hope I can hold my tongue. LOL I really want to sit dd down and have a long chat, but I know that will just go back to him right now......so that won't be happening.  Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really, really appreciate it!!! 

 

 

BTW just to clarify the nap.... they had been snowshoeing and it was 9-10pm when they went to take a nap. The roads were bad so that is why I was wondering if he needed to be home at a certain time. They were on school break and often stayed up till 3-4am so a 9pm nap made sense that night.  I had this in the original post but accidentally edited it out.

I have a family member who sounds very similar.  The more you do the less appreciative and ruder (not quite the word) critical may be better.  It's a manipulation technique in the case of my family member.  They see me being nice and wanting to help them and somewhere in their brain they either can't take it for what it is or think they have to be shitty to get me to keep giving them "things/time/love" (not DH or kids, so no day to day).  I think your plan is the exact right thing to do, good luck.

[SereneHome]

The text was because we were scheduling a home health nurse appointment and I was telling her that I wanted it to just be her and I because he tends to talk over people.  It was an appointment that he didn't need to be at, but would possibly attend just because they are always together. It would have been easy to schedule when he was going to be at work, and he wouldn't have needed to know my reason.  I wanted it to be just the two of us and I needed her availability for the appt.  She is 18 and we talk by text ALL the time.  We have very different work schedules, I have a other kids to work around, she is rarely home, plus she is a student, so it just makes sense to text.  When I found out he read it an was hurt by it,  I sent him a 3 paragraph text apologizing and telling him that i would make sure to bring up issues directly to him in the future.

 

ETA: The text was honest and direct. DD18 is also a direct speaker/texter so she didn't have an issue with what I said,and I think that is why she showed him (not realizing how he would take it).  He took it way, way more personally than I meant it.  It was accidentally offensive, unintentionally hurtful, and that is why I apologized.

 

Again, I think you are handled /handling this with a lot of grace and dignity and wisdom. 

 

I don't see anything you needed to apologize for, much less in 3 paragraphs.   If your text sounded something like "Hey, DD, I would like it to be just you and I for your appt bc BF has  a tendency to dominate the conversation and I prefer to give nurse the chance to explain everything.  What is your schedule looks like?"  - *I* think you did nothing wrong. 

 

You have every right to have  a private conversation with your child and express your opinion about whoever you want.  If he doesn't like your opinion, that's fine and he could have discussed it with you, but that's about it.

[Catwoman]

Why is the boyfriend going to your dd's medical/health-related appointments? :confused: I could understand him giving her a ride to an appointment, but not actually sitting in on it. Is he a control freak? Why does he think he should have any input at all at your dd's appointments?

[eternalsummer]

Why is the boyfriend going to your dd's medical/health-related appointments? :confused: I could understand him giving her a ride to an appointment, but not actually sitting in on it. Is he a control freak? Why does he think he should have any input at all at your dd's appointments?

 

 

That's weird, my reaction was the exact opposite.  When I was 18, I'd been with my (now husband) for 2-3 years, and I would not have wanted my mother at my doctor's appointments, but he would have come with me.  By 18, he was my primary relationship and had been for some time.

[Bootsie]

The text was because we were scheduling a home health nurse appointment and I was telling her that I wanted it to just be her and I because he tends to talk over people.  It was an appointment that he didn't need to be at, but would possibly attend just because they are always together. It would have been easy to schedule when he was going to be at work, and he wouldn't have needed to know my reason.  I wanted it to be just the two of us and I needed her availability for the appt.  She is 18 and we talk by text ALL the time.  We have very different work schedules, I have a other kids to work around, she is rarely home, plus she is a student, so it just makes sense to text.  When I found out he read it an was hurt by it,  I sent him a 3 paragraph text apologizing and telling him that i would make sure to bring up issues directly to him in the future.

 

ETA: The text was honest and direct. DD18 is also a direct speaker/texter so she didn't have an issue with what I said,and I think that is why she showed him (not realizing how he would take it).  He took it way, way more personally than I meant it.  It was accidentally offensive, unintentionally hurtful, and that is why I apologized. Really all it said was that he really frustrated me when he did xyz, and I didn't want him at the next appt.  I said he does it to her too, and it frustrates me.  That was it. No big deal to me, but Huge to him.

I will offer a different opinion than some of the previous posters.  If I were the boyfriend, I would have seen:  "Girlfriend's mom doesn't want me to be at an appt because I talk over others."  I wouldn't think I was reading between the lines.  Seems the message is "GF's mom doesn't want me around because ---criticism"  I would be walking on eggshells after that.  

 

I do not know, maybe he does have a problem of talking over others.  But, I hear you making your daughter's doctor's appts, saying who you want to have there, answering questions about daughter's diet...  Just reading your posts, I get the feeling you would prefer him to be around less (or your daughter be with him less).  Is he picking up on that?  Maybe there are good reasons for concern about their relationship, but if you prefer that he be around less, don't be surprised (and criticize him for reading between the lines) if he picks up on your not wanting him to be around.  

[brehon]

My husband has that same skill. He also has the ability to spontaneously drop all expression from his face. I've never seen anything like it.

I have that ability, too. It's actually rather a useful skill to have.

[brehon]

Tap, like others I think you're choosing to handle this issue very well and you're also providing a good example for the bf of how an adult should behave.

[heartlikealion]

Why is the boyfriend going to your dd's medical/health-related appointments? :confused: I could understand him giving her a ride to an appointment, but not actually sitting in on it. Is he a control freak? Why does he think he should have any input at all at your dd's appointments?

 

moral support? He's enamored with her?

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

moral support? He's enamored with her?

 

 

If he's talking over Tap and the nurses at appointments then he doesn't see his role simply as being there for moral support.  He sees his role as one of helping to manage the dd's illness.  Which is tricky because legally at 18 she can allow anyone she wants back in the room and she can exclude anyone she wants due to HIPPA even though I assume that she's on health insurance through her parents and that Tap is paying for medical bills not covered by insurance. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Obviously, you care a great deal about your daughter and are trying so hard to help her and take care of her and provide for her needs, including being supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend even though his actions/personality are frustrating you at times.  I appreciate how much you care and are trying to do your best by your daughter.  TBH, though, I think the boyfriend thing is probably only going to get worse.  It almost seems to me like the two of you are kind of tugging back and forth over influence/control of DD.  Has she ever had an opportunity to be fairly autonomous?  Function pretty independently?  Make decisions without a ton of input/influence from others? Not every child is ready at 18, obviously, but it seems like she may not even be having the opportunity to hone those skills.  Beyond communication with the boyfriend I would be concerned about your DD never really learning to make her own decisions regarding her health since you or he is always around.  Has she always kind of been in the role of someone who needs caring for?

 

I believe you mentioned up thread that she gets foggy headed and may not say anything when being asked a question.  I get that.  I have hypoglycemia and there were times when I just couldn't think.  Having someone else there to help answer questions was very helpful.  On the flip side of that coin, when I had Mom or then DH with me they tended to jump in and answer without actually giving me much of a chance to think through, even with my foggy head, and answer for myself.  I got dependent on them.  And when they couldn't be around I realized I didn't know the answer to many things.  I needed to learn to be more independent and to put systems in place to function without them.  

 

I would seriously consider whether you and boyfriend need to back off a bit and let your DD learn how to function more independently.  Like maybe keeping a medical journal she can carry to doctor's appointments and refer to for answering questions, for instance, instead of having to rely on others to answer for her.  And to have a long and short term plan in place for managing her diet/exercise and whatever else without relying on anyone else.

 

Think of it this way, what would she do if something happened to you and she broke up with boyfriend?  How well could she handle her medical condition and doctor's appointments, etc. completely on her own?  

 

Anyway, I wish you the best in navigating communication with the boyfriend.  That can be a very challenging road.

 

 

[heartlikealion]

If he's talking over Tap and the nurses at appointments then he doesn't see his role simply as being there for moral support.  He sees his role as one of helping to manage the dd's illness.  Which is tricky because legally at 18 she can allow anyone she wants back in the room and she can exclude anyone she wants due to HIPPA even though I assume that she's on health insurance through her parents and that Tap is paying for medical bills not covered by insurance. 

 

Yeah, true. I forgot he was talking over her.. but I think he may do this all the time, so not sure how much weight to put on it happening when the nurse is present.

 

I was just responding to Catwoman's comment because I imagine at age 18 if I was dating someone and they were sick I might want to be at some of their appointments, if they wanted me there. I would be fine not going as well. No where in this thread did I really figure out if the dd has an opinion about him being present. Her mom asked him not to come, I know that. But I don't know how she felt about it. Maybe she likes him around.

[Catwoman]

Yeah, true. I forgot he was talking over her.. but I think he may do this all the time, so not sure how much weight to put on it happening when the nurse is present.

 

I was just responding to Catwoman's comment because I imagine at age 18 if I was dating someone and they were sick I might want to be at some of their appointments, if they wanted me there. I would be fine not going as well. No where in this thread did I really figure out if the dd has an opinion about him being present. Her mom asked him not to come, I know that. But I don't know how she felt about it. Maybe she likes him around.

I was thinking along the same lines as Jean. It was the talking over people that concerned me, particularly when Tap was right there. Otherwise, I would absolutely agree with you and think it was sweet of him to want to be there to offer moral support and I would also think it was very mature of him to be that concerned about her because a lot of people wouldn't even think to be so considerate -- especially at his age. I'm just not entirely sure there's not more to the story.

 

He might just have an assertive personality and genuinely want to be helpful, but he might also be a control freak who is trying to push Tap out of the picture so he can feel that he has no competition for influence over the dd.

[marbel]

Yeah, true. I forgot he was talking over her.. but I think he may do this all the time, so not sure how much weight to put on it happening when the nurse is present.

 

I was just responding to Catwoman's comment because I imagine at age 18 if I was dating someone and they were sick I might want to be at some of their appointments, if they wanted me there. I would be fine not going as well. No where in this thread did I really figure out if the dd has an opinion about him being present. Her mom asked him not to come, I know that. But I don't know how she felt about it. Maybe she likes him around.

 

When I think of "dating" I don't think of a serious relationship.  Even the word "boyfriend" implies (to me) nothing really serious. So I was surprised to read that a boyfriend is attending medical appointments.  It's hard for me to imagine someone with their mother and their boyfriend in the room, though it makes more sense with a chronic illness that affects thinking. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by marbel

[heartlikealion]

When I think of "dating" I don't think of a serious relationship.  Even the word "boyfriend" implies (to me) nothing really serious. So I was surprised to read that a boyfriend is attending medical appointments.  It's hard for me to imagine someone with their mother and their boyfriend in the room, though it makes more sense with a chronic illness that affects thinking. 

 

What do you call a serious partner that you're not engaged to? Boyfriend seems like the default to me. Relationships move at all kinds of paces. On the outside maybe two people don't seem to have a serious relationship because they haven't been seeing each other long, but maybe they are discussing moving in together or other things. At 18 I might not be so quick to label a relationship serious, but sometimes people get married young or move in together early in a relationship so you never know.

[katilac]

It's so interesting to see all the different points of view, even on things not directly related to the OP! Some people see it as the norm for a boyfriend or girlfriend to go along on medical appointments, but that would have never occurred to me. I don't think dh went to a single one of my ob/gyn appointments when I was pregnant, much less all of them, and I've discovered that's a really common thing. 

 

Note: I understand that OP's dd has a reason for people going with her, I'm talking about going to a SO's appointment in more general circumstances. 

[marbel]

What do you call a serious partner that you're not engaged to? Boyfriend seems like the default to me. Relationships move at all kinds of paces. On the outside maybe two people don't seem to have a serious relationship because they haven't been seeing each other long, but maybe they are discussing moving in together or other things. At 18 I might not be so quick to label a relationship serious, but sometimes people get married young or move in together early in a relationship so you never know.

 

I don't think there is a good word for a serious relationship that is not a fiance(e).  

 

I was just saying that it was confusing/surprising to me to read that an 18-year-old's boyfriend was going along on medical appointments (much less talking to doctors/nurses).   Because to me that's just not a thing a boy/girlfriend does.  A fiance or husband, sure.  

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

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Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Catwoman]

My daughter has a port implanted in her chest to get IV saline and meds at home. He is helping to access her port to give her more freedom.She needs to be accessessed (pierce her skin/port with a needle, and dress the site because the line stays in) for 3 hours and then deacessed (remove needle) unless she wants a tube running down her chest all day, every day    

 

He needed to be at 2 of the appointments to learn how to do it and to get certified.  It is a very, very important process because it involves sterile technique to make sure we don't give her an infection....the port goes almost directly into her heart, so any contamination can get very serious, very fast. She will eventually access her own port but for right now, wants someone else to to it.  Some people do their own, but it is awkward to do in the mirror and maintaining sterile technique at the same time, is hard. Him being able to access it gives her more freedom to get accessed when I am not around, when she is traveling, or at random times when she doesn't feel good and just want to curl up at his house and sleep.  Our house is very, very chaotic at times due to dd10's tantrums and screaming. 

 

He is 100% capable and I trust him 100% with this task and understanding the importance of it.

 

  

Nope, he Had to be there. It was a training session and he needed to get certified.The appointment was at my house with a home health nurse. It was purposefully scheduled for him to be there.  He is giving my daughter a lot more freedom by learning how to do this. I appreciate that he is willing and intelligent enough to learn how to access her port. (Read my most recent posts to know what this is, if you didn't already).  Before getting her port put in, my daughter was at the hospital somewhere between 32-40 times for 3 hours at a time, in 5 months, to have IVs in her arms. I was at maybe 6 of those, and he went to the rest.  A teenage boy, in his senior year of high school, spent over 100 hours at the hospital with my daughter to keep her company during her treatments.  

 

Up until this, I had no idea he had an issue with me.  I was totally blindsided by it. Aside from this, i didn't have any issues with him. He is a normal teenage kid.

 

 

 

Thank you for the clarification -- I think a few of us may have misunderstood your earlier post because it made it seem like you had contacted your dd to tell her you didn't want her boyfriend at the appointment because he tended to talk over people:

 

 

The text was because we were scheduling a home health nurse appointment and I was telling her that I wanted it to just be her and I because he tends to talk over people.  It was an appointment that he didn't need to be at, but would possibly attend just because they are always together. It would have been easy to schedule when he was going to be at work, and he wouldn't have needed to know my reason.  I wanted it to be just the two of us and I needed her availability for the appt.  She is 18 and we talk by text ALL the time.  We have very different work schedules, I have a other kids to work around, she is rarely home, plus she is a student, so it just makes sense to text.  When I found out he read it an was hurt by it,  I sent him a 3 paragraph text apologizing and telling him that i would make sure to bring up issues directly to him in the future.

 

ETA: The text was honest and direct. DD18 is also a direct speaker/texter so she didn't have an issue with what I said,and I think that is why she showed him (not realizing how he would take it).  He took it way, way more personally than I meant it.  It was accidentally offensive, unintentionally hurtful, and that is why I apologized. Really all it said was that he really frustrated me when he did xyz, and I didn't want him at the next appt.  I said he does it to her too, and it frustrates me.  That was it. No big deal to me, but Huge to him.

Sorry for the misunderstanding -- I hadn't realized the boyfriend has accepted responsibility for some of your dd's health care. He must be a very responsible young man for you and your dd to trust him with that.

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[heartlikealion]

aww that was sweet of you to buy the chowder. I would have had a hard time spending an extra $10, too LOL

[marbel]

Nope, he Had to be there. It was a training session and he needed to get certified.The appointment was at my house with a home health nurse. It was purposefully scheduled for him to be there.  He is giving my daughter a lot more freedom by learning how to do this. I appreciate that he is willing and intelligent enough to learn how to access her port. (Read my most recent posts to know what this is, if you didn't already).  Before getting her port put in, my daughter was at the hospital somewhere between 32-40 times for 3 hours at a time, in 5 months, to have IVs in her arms. I was at maybe 6 of those, and he went to the rest.  A teenage boy, in his senior year of high school, spent over 100 hours at the hospital with my daughter to keep her company during her treatments.  

 

Up until this, I had no idea he had an issue with me.  I was totally blindsided by it. Aside from this, i didn't have any issues with him. He is a normal teenage kid. 

 

Hm, I wonder... I wonder if he feels that you are not treating him right considering how much he is investing (not the best word) in your daughter.  Learning how to deal with her port, driving her to the hospital, spending lots of time with her there.   In a way, I'm picturing how a spouse might react to an outsider (or another relative) whom the spouse sees as being interfering.  I'm sure I'm not expressing that the right way.  I'm wondering if because he is learning so much/taking on much of her care, he feels entitled to more respect than he sees you giving him.  Sort of like... if they got married, you would naturally step back from her care and he would step forward. Since they are not married, you aren't stepping back.  But maybe he feels you should?   

 

That's not a criticism of either of you... that's just what I was thinking after reading your post.

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Rosie_0801]

Wanting to be thanked by his mil-type-person for looking after his own girlfriend is, um, interesting. 

 

 

[solascriptura]

This actually is part of it. He told me as much in our conversation. The thing is, that I have thanked him. I have told dd how much I appreciate him. I have given them $$ multiple times to go to dinner, and said it was because how much I appreciate that he takes care of my dd. I think there is something that I am leaving out when I thank him, that must be important to him.

 

To me, he is doing these things for her. Not FOR ME. For example. When dd was going to the hospital for IV, it was set up on Mon and Thursday after my work and her school. I could be there and enjoyed the time with her. Just hanging out in a hospital room, playing cards and visiting. It was little break from the world and some one-on-one time with my daughter, who I was seeing less and less. Then he started taking her. I was completely fine with that, I know that as a teenager I would prefer spending time with my boyfriend too. LOL Around that time he got mono, so most often, the nurse would put her IV in, they would just curl up in bed, and sleep until her treatment was over. In our conversation ,he mentioned how much he was doing and that I should appreciate that it frees me up more. But to me, it was a time that I didn't mind spending with my daughter.....so there wasn't really anything for me to appreciate from the "freeing up time' view point. I told him several times that I appreciated him helping to prioritize her health care and spending the time with her during her treatments.....which is what I truly appreciated.

 

He also pointed out that he missed work the day of the nurses visit. I worked very hard to schedule around his obligations and he/dd are the ones who told me that day was good. He works for his father and only works when his father needs him. His schedule changes daily, but I was trying to coordinate the nurse, dd, and my work schedules too. I didn't know his dad offered him work that day. It wouldn't have changed anything, we still would have gone ahead with the training without him and we would have just trained him ourselves. He seemed to expect that I appreciated what he sacrificed to be there.....but I had no way of knowing AND it was his choice, not mine to attend.

 

In another part of the conversation, he said he couldn't talk to me a certain way because I was an adult, with a position of power over him (access to my daughter) and he was not (an adult equal to me). I was asking him to tell me when I offended him in real time, and he said he couldn't do that, because it would be disrespectful. I told him I was giving him permission to do so, but he still declined. I treat dd18 and ds22 as adults. They make their own decisions, they live their own lives. I feel from out conversation that he feels like he comes from the line of thinking of 'respect your elders and do what they tell you'. I am not that type of parent. I raise my children by coming alongside them and helping to guide them. The respect my kids give me is earned by action and wisdom, not because I am older than they are. From what he says, his mother's family is very religious. He also went to a strict private school until 10th grade. I am thinking that part of our issue is rooted in this difference. I want to treat him as an equal (relative to a 19yos experiences in life).....but he doesn't doesn't see me that way, he sees me as a parent.

 

ETA: I have no issue with his faith, education or families style of parenting. My own kids attended some years at private schools, and my son is a Pastor. I, personally just don't parent that way, due to my personality. Like the fact that I don't have a lot of rules in my house, because I Suck at enforcing rules. LOL Why have them, if you aren't going to use them. The few rules I have, mean something to me and I know I am willing to enforce. I don't like conflict so I choose my battles carefully. Everything else pretty much rolls off my back

Yeah. My bff's husband recently said to my bff, " you've been going out to Bible study and your running group lately. I just want to be sure that you're taking note and appreciating it." Like she should be thankful that he is willing to stay home to watch their kids. Their kids. It's a good thing I don't live close to them. I would be giving him a piece of my mind. My bff is a doormat. I am not. He has mentioned to her that he is scare of me. Haha.

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap