What age range do you consider ideal for DC's marriage?

[AnnE-girl]

But that is a TOTALLY different situation than saying, "don't marry until [insert arbitrary age and/or accomplishment here]". I would be very much opposed to an unmarried child of mine following around a boyfriend/girlfriend who won't commit to a future together. Following a spouse who has already publicly committed to the relationship is a lot less problematic than following someone who refuses to make that commitment.

And there are some legal protections for spouses who step back from careers to enable their spouse's career should the marriage end. A cohabitating couple wouldn't have that.

[ikslo]

I don't care about age. I'm just worried about him finding someone who won't eat peanuts before kissing him...

 

He's convinced no one will want to marry him with all of his food allergies.

[gingersmom]

I dont expect my daughter will get married before she is 30.

 

She is extremely focused on school (BS Nursing), getting her Masters and PhD.

 

As she tells all interested parties, school is her #1 priority.

Edited July 18, 2017 by gingersmom

[DawnM]

I am in the "marry later" camp.  After college, after your career is underway, and after you can support yourself without needing to live in my basement.

 

But I know I can't dictate it.

 

BTW:  Dh and I were 29 when we married and both in careers.  We both got additional degrees after marrying, but we were able to support ourselves fully.

Edited July 18, 2017 by DawnM

[catz]

I picked 26-30, but really my preferred pick would be they can get married or not at their leisure anytime after finishing their education and being financially and emotionally independent.  I got married at 29 and have zero regrets about that.  I had a number of serious relationships I thought might end up with a marriage.  I learned and grew a ton through those years.  It's been shown that brain development continues into the 20's particularly for males.  Parenting doesn't typically stop 1 day at age 18.  My parents helped me in many ways through college financially and otherwise. 

 

I had my first baby a 30.  My 2nd at 34.  My 2nd pregnancy was a bunch easier than my first.  I was pregnant within 3 months of marrying.  My only regret is not waiting a year.  Everyone said we better hurry up.  LOL.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Although, I wouldn't say I would never help my married child financially, I think it's much cleaner for a newly married couple not to need to be dependent on either family starting out in an ongoing way.  I can see giving a married couple a "gift" - like a used car, or gifting them some money for a wedding or a deposit on an apartment or whatever.  But that would be given no strings.  The kind of ongoing help like for tuition or day to day living expenses does have some strings in my mind.

 

My DH had an early marriage and his first wife left him.  They married in college.   I'm not saying it can't work.  This board in particular has much different demographic than the general public and I know there are many, many long term happy marriages here.  But I also know plenty of people who are divorced including women who just developed healthy boundaries late.  I also know other people who are just choosing stay in an unhappy marriage for whatever reason.  I guess I'd rather have a mature adult with healthy boundaries get into a marriage than a young adult still finding themselves and might give and give and give to make something work. 

 

I'd be totally fine if my kids chose to live with a SO and I am fine with premarital relations. 

 

Because I like science and data, there is a sweet spot that lowers your chances of divorce.  It goes back up after age 35.

https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/

 

ETA - I do think having an education and possible path to a job is important for both genders. 

Edited July 18, 2017 by WoolySocks

[happypamama]

I don't care about age. I'm just worried about him finding someone who won't eat peanuts before kissing him...

 

He's convinced no one will want to marry him with all of his food allergies.

Oh, that is so sad! Assure him that the right person will handle the FA.

[PeachyDoodle]

Post-high school, I'm really ok with whatever. My main concern is not wanting my kids to feel that they have to have their lives perfectly arranged before marrying. I want them to take the commitment seriously and soberly but not be afraid of it. There is still plenty of room to grow after you're married.

[MEmama]

Married and not seeking additional children is VERY different than a couple who is not only unmarried but not even considering getting married (yet or ever).

Why?

 

I'd be willing to bet a large percentage of divorces occur after unwanted pregnancies. Watching friends go through the lifelong hell of dealing with exhusbands, I'm not convinced it's necessarily better. But then we are coming from very different places in regards to how we view sexuality and relationships. I suspect we'll have to agree to disagree, but I am honestly curious about your statement.

[desertstrawberry5]

My life was much more carefree after we got married. Besides the comfort and security of a real commitment, we had better housing, more income when I was working, and I took six months off to transition from being active duty military to being a wife. We put my paycheck straight into the bank. I was always available to him, so we had more time together. I went out on my own while he was at work. I brought him dinner when he worked nights. It was nice.

[PeachyDoodle]

This reminds me of a study I saw recently about these decisions and their effect on Millennials' financial success:

 

The Millennial Success Sequence: Marriage, Kids, and the "Success Sequence" among Young Adults

[Zinnia]

I dont expect my daughter will get married before she is 30.

 

She is extremely focused on school (BS Nursing), getting her Masters and PhD.

 

As she tells all interested parties, school is her #1 priority.

 

For us, there was a heavy idea that BSN=MRS degree.

 

I was a bit disappointed that it didn't happen like that for me.  It was heavy in the culture of our school.  

[The Girls' Mom]

My concerns lie more around circumstances rather than age.  

 

I married at 16, dh was 18.  25 years later, I'm in the middle of a divorce.  I married someone I loved, but really it was a means to escape a bad situation.  We'd only dated 9 months.  I made a split second decision, literally while sitting on the hood of a car.  It probably saved my life, but we were never a great match, and that only intensified as we grew older.  We came from very different backgrounds, and had very different faith-views.  Now at 41, I'm literally starting my life over.  

 

Ideally, I want my kids to date their future spouse for longer than a year or two, NOT get married as an escape from something, have things in common that will carry through their lives together, and to be from the same faith.  I would also like for them to have some way to earn money independently when/if needed. (a degree/trade and some experience).  

[ktgrok]

I don't care about age. I'm just worried about him finding someone who won't eat peanuts before kissing him...

 

He's convinced no one will want to marry him with all of his food allergies.

 

Aww...poor thing. I can assure you/him that if my DH had a peanut allergy I'd have zero qualms about giving up peanuts. No one likes them THAT much!

[Guest]

I'm not married either, so I assume the kids will pick up on long term e sin, lol

Well, that is still transmitting a certain set of beliefs, of course. I mean, I know you were being facetious in saying "long term sin," but it's still modeling that this is acceptable in your view. I'm assuming it would not be any surprise to you if they never marry, either.

[luuknam]

I have a 9yo dd who hates peanuts... ;)

 

 

Apparently some people are okay with arranged marriages at 9 & 10yo. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by luuknam

[luuknam]

You know I'm joking. ;)

 

 

No, really??? ;)

[christusg01]

Assuming it was a good match, sooner rather than later.

 

I know most people these days don't agree, and it's all based on my experience and what I've seen in my life vis a vis my friends and how my values have changed over the years, but I wish I had spent my formative years of 19-22 as a married person rather than living on my own. Especially since my now husband and I were dating at the time and basically just waiting for when people would find it socially acceptable for us to get married (although there were other factors too).

 

I wish we had married sooner, had kids sooner...all those things that people tell you that you need to go out and "experience life" before you get "tied down."

 

So I don't have an age, but I wouldn't want my kids to delay in order to fulfill some kind of vision of having to do things as a single person first.

 

(My perspective only, not a commentary on your DD or her or anyone else's ideals)

Totally agree. I married at 19 and I think that was perfect. We grew up together, went through the firsts of adulthood together. We went straight from our parents homes to being married. We didn't live on our own, or end up "set in our ways" and having to adjust to any possible annoyances in going from the single life to the married life. I fully believe that marrying young is the way to go if you've found someone you love.

 

I do know that my philosophy on marriage is not a popular one. I'm glad I never felt the need to "get anything out of my system" before getting married.

[Joker]

I don't think there is a right answer at all to this question.

 

You have some people who marry young and go through extremely difficult times but become stronger because of it. You have some that fall apart.

 

You have some that wait until they feel they are fully who they are and then get married and it's great. You have some that still fall apart for different reasons.

 

No one thought dh and I would still be married 20 years later having married young (I just turned 21 and he was 25) and having only known each other 4 months. We are not only together but happy and stronger than ever. My in laws have been married almost 60 years and were married young and my fil proposed on their first date.

 

I've known people who waited years to get married and some are good and others are not. I think it definitely depends more on the people involved than how old they are or how long they've known each other. If there was some perfect formula for making marriages last we wouldn't have divorce at all. So, I'm not going to push my dc one way or the other. 

[IsabelC]

I would never presume to advise my kids whether or when to get married, and at this stage I honestly have no idea whether any of them will ever be interested in marriage.  It's not something I particularly care about, and I don't really expect to be consulted. But I guess if they were to ask me, I'd probably suggest 25-30: old enough to know yourself and know what you want, but still young enough to avoid fertility issues if baby making is something they want to do.

I was engaged at 20 and married at 22, but I think now that we were a bit too young.  We know that the prime decision making area of the brain is not fully matured until age 24-25, so it is better to avoid life-altering decisions before then. (That is also why I think that many young people should have an extended 'gap year' of paid or volunteer work instead of rushing off to university studies when they don't really know what they want to do.)

Edited July 19, 2017 by IsabelC

[IsabelC]

Assuming it was a good match, sooner rather than later.

 

I know most people these days don't agree, and it's all based on my experience and what I've seen in my life vis a vis my friends and how my values have changed over the years, but I wish I had spent my formative years of 19-22 as a married person rather than living on my own. Especially since my now husband and I were dating at the time and basically just waiting for when people would find it socially acceptable for us to get married (although there were other factors too).

 

 

I'm the opposite to you. I lived at home with my parents until I was married at age 22, and I feel that I missed out on a lot by going straight from parents to husband, and not getting the experience of being totally independent and living on my own or in a share house. Also I wish I had dated or even lived with a few different people, instead of marrying my first serious boyfriend. I feel like I won't be able to offer my kids any wisdom about romance / sex / relationships because I never got the normal experience of 'playing the field' before 'settling down' a decade (or more) later. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by IsabelC

[HS Mom in NC]

I voted age is not a primary consideration, but I would add that I have yet to hear any valid reasons for minors marrying.  I support legislation in all 50 states that allows no exceptions for marriage under 18 even with parental consent. Marriage should only be for legal consenting adults.

For the sake of disclosure: We married when I was 20 and my husband was 26. My 19 and 21 year old daughters are engaged to be married next year to men who are 21.

[Elfknitter.#]

Didn't read answers. My thought. Whenever they feel ready. I raised them as best I and their father could. It's is now their life to decide these things, not mine.

[Guest]

I would never presume to advise my kids whether or when to get married, and at this stage I honestly have no idea whether any of them will ever be interested in marriage. It's not something I particularly care about, and I don't really expect to be consulted. But I guess if they were to ask me, I'd probably suggest 25-30: old enough to know yourself and know what you want, but still young enough to avoid fertility issues if baby making is something they want to do.

 

I was engaged at 20 and married at 22, but I think now that we were a bit too young. We know that the prime decision making area of the brain is not fully matured until age 24-25, so it is better to avoid life-altering decisions before then. (That is also why I think that many young people should have an extended 'gap year' of paid or volunteer work instead of rushing off to university studies when they don't really know what they want to do.)

Not to single you out particularly, as you aren't the only person expressing this view, but it's hard for me to imagine not caring about such a pivotal matter in one's child's life. Many parents advise their kids or at least mention having an opinion on other matters, such as what careers they think the child might be suited for and which not, where to go to college, pros and cons of places to live, car choices and so on.

 

I just cannot imagine being completely mute about something that, as regentrude pointed out, is a legally binding contract that is expensive to reverse. Last night, I had an interesting discussion with my two older kids about owning vs. renting a place to live, complete with examples off Zillow so they understand the actual money amounts involved and what that gets you. I'm not telling them they MUST choose what I would choose; I'm trying to provide guidance that nobody provided to me when I was young.

[BlsdMama]

I get it.  I'm the same way.  So, now at 53 I'm working towards that paper.  

 

Me too.  I don't think I would have done well if I was doing it at 20.  My grades at 19 vs. 40 prove that.  So I guess there is some upside to letting me age a little.

 

 

 

I actually love that we grew up together in a sense; we had so much freedom to explore and travel and move around before deciding g on kids. There was a never a clock, or the sense that we had to have everything else in order ASAP. We just got to have loads of fun together before starting the career/buying the first house/starting a family. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I guess that's why it doesn't matter to me--do what's right, when it's right. â¤ï¸

I can very much relate to this - it's very "romantic" looking back. I'm sure our parents were freaking out more than a little,but truly, we just did grow together.  

 

I said 26-35 too. DH was 29. I was 25, nearly 26.

 

The schooling/training aspect is important. But I also believe that these years are great for travel, living on ones own, and doing things (while supporting oneself) to be an adult...budgeting, saving, getting plugged into church, and etc..

 

Yes you can learn these at any time, but it's amazing the mental maturity between many 18 versus older 20s. Not all, but many.

It's an interesting comparison - I think if what we did works out well then we can see the upside of the age at which we married.  Does that make sense?  Coming at it from my perspective (married at 19) I look at that and think - but what about when that church doesn't fit BOTH of you or if you wanted to experience places/travel together, or if one person's spending/saving pattern doesn't fit?  I think young people are more flexible and willing to learn together?  I'm only offering my perspective NOT to disagree with you at all but to kind of illustrate my point - if what have has worked really well for you it is easy to flesh out the perspective by listing those reasons.  I don't think any is more valid than the other, kwim?  It's a lot about people as a couple and their willingness to be flexible and learn with their other half.

 

Yes, it's cultural, of course, but so is not pairing up until 10+ years beyond biological maturity. I mean, in one sense, our whole societal structure of when it is "normal" to part from the FOO and create one's own family *is* cultural.

 

My general feeling is: once you start your own family, you are independant of your FOO. In my own life, this was simple, because I lived in my own apartment, worked at a job FT, had my own health insurance, and paid for my own car before I got married. There was nothing lingering, no strings my parents still held, yk?

 

 

But I also have a different view of pre-marital physical relationship than you do, so we aren't going to see that the same way. 😊

 

And I think that  is a really valid point.  At the end of the day, sin is my #1 priority and I believe sex outside of marriage is sin and so if I see a young couple who are going to end up married anyway, I *now* believe it is good to give them solid counseling with a strong Christian pastor and an unbiased perspective, and move towards that end.

 

That said, Quill, you accomplished SO much (and far more than I think an average person could have) that you and my husband agree that you see the benefit in having that life experience - the pull yourself up by your bootstraps because it helps build character and define you, kwim?  And I agree and I disagree.  I have to say that if it were financially feasible for me to cover half of my kids' expenses in college, I'd do it.  I would want them to be working (statistically kids who work get higher GPAs) and be invested financially in their education, but with college running $10-50k in just tuition before books, fees, and living.... Man, I'd LOVE to take some of that weight off. I have an 18yo DS right now working two jobs to save up enough for his gap for the year between what scholarships cover and what he's left with now that there is a $5500/cap on loans for a freshman.

 

 

I think you're on to something. It's definitely got to be cultural and maybe even socioeconomic. Wealthy people, from what we have observed, continue to support their children long into adulthood. That's how wealth gets accumulated in many instances and college is definitely at the beginning of that path. That's how young people start businesses in many cases. Not saying all, but probably a majority wouldn't be far off.

 

The whole "you're on your own," mentality seems to be more of a middle/upper-middle/and perhaps lower-upper class thing. I think there is a bit of romanticized notion there of the empires built from scratch, or "I started from nothing." Most of the truly wealthy aren't starting from scratch and are supported whether married or not. Their "starting from nothing," was more likely a paid for degree or two and a 1-2 million dollar starter loan from Dad.

 

Yes.

Mainly I'd want them to be self-supporting (or at least attitude of it, with a job offer in hand), preferably with one partner able to support a family if a baby comes along sooner than expected. There's a wide variety of ages at which that can happen. I'm going to make sure my kids know all about a certain relative who was 9 months pregnant and up on her feet working long hours in a coffee shop, and back to work 6 weeks post-partum, while her husband flunked out of one college, then dropped out of another, so that he could play video games day and night with his friends in her parent's basement, whose house they were living in to save money.

 

I also hope they'll have some idea of who they are and who their partner is before marriage. Self-knowledge is a journey and there's nothing wrong with taking a lifetime to figure out who you are....but at least be on the right path first. I don't know how you can know who's right for you without that.

 

DH and I married at 22, which was perfect for us. I almost wish it had been sooner, but we weren't quite in a position to support ourselves yet. We both had some independent time, traveled alone, worked, etc, before marriage, yet we have grown up together. I'm sure I'd be a very selfish person today if I had spent years thinking about "me, me, me" all day. We've passively formed each other (which is not everyone's cup of tea, but it is ours, so I'm not arguing the point with anyone).

 

But again, what works for us doesn't work for everyone. I know another couple who got married around the same age and time, and she's now on her second marriage. The relatives I mentioned in the first paragraph were older than us when they got married, and...let's just say it's sad.

 

I agree, self knowledge is a journey.  Maybe it is a personal thing, but for me, I am not at the end of that now.   I took an interesting left through a valley for the past few years and I really feel it is less about who I think I am and who DH thinks he is and WAY more about the greater good of one another and our family - more about sacrifice?  Knowing who I think I am (when I was 30) and an unwillingness to compromise because "that's not me" wouldn't have helped a marriage succeed.  Who you are is a very fluid thing.  I am just going to toss out there that I was an INCREDIBLY self centered person all through high school.  I honestly believe (to this day) that I really needed my kids (and to be a little overwhelmed) to teach me it isn't about me and how I am able to make myself look, kwim?   I am not arguing either, I think I am very much agreeing with you, just kind of drawing out the point?  I really needed ZERO time to be ME focused because I can lean that way anyway!

 

The self supporting aspect - I think some people rise to the occasion and some people crumble.  If I luse my husband as an example - when I was dating him, he was getting a two year tech degree.  A ring and a baby later, he thought a four year degree was a good idea.  He got that first after college job (same company he is with) and a few years later saw the need for the MBA and MS. So while some people choose not to go on or choose not to pursue a rigorous career path, some people feel propelled by the need to support and it pushes them further than they would have otherwise.  Just the flip side. ;)

 

I thought for FAFSA it would be better to be a single independant than married. I guess I see what you're saying if you are married and marital income is lower than what the parents would have had. My parents were so poor, it would have been (I think) a huge advantage if I had gone to college when I was not yet married.

 

 

This is an aside and I started typing my response yesterday afternoon and didn't hit send until this morning ;) but you would have had a hard time proving independence.  Without a court declared type of independence from your parents or a ring on your finger, you would have been dependent, regardless of parental support, until (I think) 25.  

[ikslo]

I have a 9yo dd who hates peanuts... ;)

How does she feel about other nuts? Eggs? Soy? ;)

[kiwik]

I think marriage is an odd concept at any age. My church disagrees but I especially think getting married without living together first is odd.

 

That said - both parties need to have been financially and practically independant for several years, the woman in particular must have something to fall back on if the marriage fails - particularly if she plans on being a SAHM. If you want children it is better to find someone in your 20's than in your 30's. I would like one of my boys to have children in their 20's so I can have a grandchild before 70.

[Carrie12345]

I've been thinking on it a lot, and I guess there are just many trade offs that you can't FULLY measure until you've made them.

 

I love my trade offs.  Other people may have made similar ones that they regret.  And I guess that's why I don't think my opinions have any place in my future adult children's decisions. They're not my clones.  I believe I've been raising/will continue to raise them well enough to make choices based on facts, opinions (including more than just my own) and their own self-interests, which they will know better than I ever will.  And if it all backfires, they still have parents who will love and support them through whatever happens, to the absolute best of their ability.

[BlsdMama]

 

My parents' marriage looked like a match made in heaven on paper and so did my own and none of them lasted so what do I know?

 

 

 

This quote made me think and wonder.  In contrast, when DH and I got married I think the bet for the longest time we'd last was six months and no one gambled on a whole year.

 

I think what makes a marriage last is an enigma. 

[wintermom]

Totally agree. I married at 19 and I think that was perfect. We grew up together, went through the firsts of adulthood together. We went straight from our parents homes to being married. We didn't live on our own, or end up "set in our ways" and having to adjust to any possible annoyances in going from the single life to the married life. I fully believe that marrying young is the way to go if you've found someone you love.

 

I do know that my philosophy on marriage is not a popular one. I'm glad I never felt the need to "get anything out of my system" before getting married.

 

I guess it depends completely on the individual's goals and personality. I had personal goals I wanted to accomplish. I knew that having the freedom to pursue these goals was dependent on my being in the situation I was (completed a university degree, money saved, job in specific country). The chances of finding a mate that wanted to do the exact same thing at the exact same time were pretty much nil. 

 

I guess if you have no personal goals other than being married, or your goals are already accomplished, it's much easier. Some people have more they feel compelled to do. They are driven. It's not necessarily wandering around waiting for a mate to turn up, though finding someone to share a life with is great. 

[marbel]

Not to single you out particularly, as you aren't the only person expressing this view, but it's hard for me to imagine not caring about such a pivotal matter in one's child's life.

 

<snip>

 

I agree.  When I hear/read "I don't care" it implies to me a total apathy.   When my kids were younger, if I asked "do you want to [do something, go somewhere] and they said "I don't care," I took that to mean "no."   Because if they couldn't be bothered, then I couldn't be bothered either.  

 

But I wonder if others mean "I have no preference."    Not to put words in someone else's mouth or attribute different meanings to what they say.  But I think a lot of people do mean that when they say "I don't care."  

[FaithManor]

Just a practical note on FAFSA. In the year your child marries, if they are married less than six months of that tax year and the college he/she attends uses the CSS profile, the college often will base the financial aid award on the parents not the newly married couple.

 

Without the CSS profile the student is okay because FAFSA itself just asks "as of today are you married". Now that said, since summer is the typical time for college students to marry between semesters and FAFSA is filed in February or before with financial aid award letters sent in late March through April, the student who marries in June is out to lunch for the coming year. It will be the next tax year before the student sees the potential increase in financial aid.

 

Our friends whose daughter married last August found that out. He appealed to the college for a change in FAFSA status before school started hoping for more money for the 2016/17 year. That was a no.

 

So just keep that in mind. You might have a child marry on Spring Break or after winter semester final exams, but FAFSA will not change for the following school year. CSS profile schools can complicate matters by insisting on basing the next year's FAFSA on parental assets if the student was married for less than six months thus making it a second tax year before any benefit to the student for being lower income kicks in.

 

The system is rigged to keep parents on the hook.

 

I have known more than one student who thought "marry now instead of later because at least we will get more financial aid" only to be disappointed by the delay in benefit. Some of this is also school dependent for sure.

[MEmama]

I agree. When I hear/read "I don't care" it implies to me a total apathy. When my kids were younger, if I asked "do you want to [do something, go somewhere] and they said "I don't care," I took that to mean "no." Because if they couldn't be bothered, then I couldn't be bothered either.

 

But I wonder if others mean "I have no preference." Not to put words in someone else's mouth or attribute different meanings to what they say. But I think a lot of people do mean that when they say "I don't care."

I'm one who said "I don't care". It's definitely not apathy on my part, quite the opposite. I don't agree that parents have a say in their adult children's lives, though of course the way we raise them has an influence. Sometimes that influence means they copy what we do and sometimes it causes them to set out the opposite path. I learned a lot from my parents, which is why I raise my son so differently. ;)

 

I don't see the sense in putting parameters or hopes around what our kids do when they grow up. Sure I hope he's happy and fulfilled and sure I hope he follows his passions, and my goal in parenting is to help him find his way there. And of course I hope he finds a life partner and that DH and I have modelled what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. But pinning an "ideal" age on it seems really weird to me; how am I supposed to know what his life will look like or who might walk into his heart and when?

[Ravin]

I would support DD's decision to get married regardless of age. I would want to know her intended first, and that they've thought it all through, that would be nice, but that's in the category of "life choices where parents should stick their noses in only if invited."

 

I was 21 when I got married to DH. Neither DH nor I had met the other's parents. He was a few years older (25) and it was a second marriage for both of us, though my first one barely counts (married for 3 months at age 19 to an acquaintance so I could be his "beard" for joining the Marines and so I could get BAH (housing) benefits; now-DH pointed out what a bad idea it was and talked sense into me, so we had it annulled).

[Seasider]

Not really. My husband's career ended up dwarfing my life in a lot of ways. This was true of many of my friends.

.

Ditto. I knew what I was signing up for, and that's okay, but it was logistically impossible for both of us to follow our own career paths.

[Guest]

This quote made me think and wonder. In contrast, when DH and I got married I think the bet for the longest time we'd last was six months and no one gambled on a whole year.

 

I think what makes a marriage last is an enigma.

I think the biggest measure of what makes a marriage work, barring serious problems (abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc.), is simply both parties not leaving. Sounds too simple, but really, just not leaving is the strongest guarantor of marriage continuing in my unscientific opinion. We do know statistically, the more times a person has divorced, the higher the likelihood that they will divorce again. So we can theorize that having divorced once takes it out of the realm of "Something I Would Never Do" and makes it something one knows they would actually do if deemed necessary. Thus, people who have not divorced don't have a picture of that as something they might do and are therefore more likely to stay (barring serious issues), so by staying they are always making it more probable that they will continue to choose to stay.

[Carrie12345]

Not really. My husband's career ended up dwarfing my life in a lot of ways. This was true of many of my friends.

 

 

 

Ditto. I knew what I was signing up for, and that's okay, but it was logistically impossible for both of us to follow our own career paths.

 

I still don't fully know what I want to be when I grow up, so I'm pretty happy that I didn't wait until I had an advanced degree and stable career.  ;)

If I do enter the work force some day, it's likely to be based on interests I never would have considered without my parenting experiences.

[MysteryJen]

I voted that age is not a consideration. dh and I married at 23 and 24 respectively (high school sweethearts) and we were the youngest of all our friends to get married. Ds1 came along when we were 26. I have mixed feelings on all this. I love dh and am glad that I married him and I love all my kids...but I also know that if I had postponed getting married to do what I wanted to do (different career goals, living in different places) it is very likely that I would have never married. And that would have been okay too.

 

My career never really launched because dh's was much more lucrative than mine would ever have been AND we were both committed to me staying home with children. My homemaker role has brought many blessings (homeschooling, ability for kids to manage school and elite sports, and that dh could travel, work long hours and never worry) but it has definitely been at a cost to me.

 

Both dh and I advise that the kids should do everything they want before they are married. Marriage (and children especially) are golden chains.

 

[SKL]

Not to single you out particularly, as you aren't the only person expressing this view, but it's hard for me to imagine not caring about such a pivotal matter in one's child's life. Many parents advise their kids or at least mention having an opinion on other matters, such as what careers they think the child might be suited for and which not, where to go to college, pros and cons of places to live, car choices and so on.

 

I just cannot imagine being completely mute about something that, as regentrude pointed out, is a legally binding contract that is expensive to reverse. Last night, I had an interesting discussion with my two older kids about owning vs. renting a place to live, complete with examples off Zillow so they understand the actual money amounts involved and what that gets you. I'm not telling them they MUST choose what I would choose; I'm trying to provide guidance that nobody provided to me when I was young.

 

We can't predict at all when our kids will meet the right person, or if they ever will.  My parents met at 15 & 17.  I'm 50 and still haven't met the right person.

 

I can say from experience that it doesn't help (and could harm) to be goal-oriented about when to get married (or other details) without even knowing the who part.  :P

 

How it's going to go in marriage really depends about 95% on whom you marry IMO.  I've seen many successful and unsuccessful marriages at all legal ages.  I just don't know what advice I could possibly have for my kids on this, because I don't know their fiances yet.

[ErinE]

Not to single you out particularly, as you aren't the only person expressing this view, but it's hard for me to imagine not caring about such a pivotal matter in one's child's life. Many parents advise their kids or at least mention having an opinion on other matters, such as what careers they think the child might be suited for and which not, where to go to college, pros and cons of places to live, car choices and so on.

 

I just cannot imagine being completely mute about something that, as regentrude pointed out, is a legally binding contract that is expensive to reverse. Last night, I had an interesting discussion with my two older kids about owning vs. renting a place to live, complete with examples off Zillow so they understand the actual money amounts involved and what that gets you. I'm not telling them they MUST choose what I would choose; I'm trying to provide guidance that nobody provided to me when I was young.

I agree with you. Just like we talk about finance and employment, we talk about marriage and relationships. We treat it as something our kids might want to do and advise them accordingly.

[Crimson Wife]

Why?

 

I'd be willing to bet a large percentage of divorces occur after unwanted pregnancies. 

 

The highest risk for divorce statistically is in the first 5 years of marriage and it goes down quite a bit after 10 years. It levels off after 15 years and there is a slight bump at around 25 years (presumably empty nesters who stuck it out until the kids were adults) before going down again.

[Crimson Wife]

  I feel like I won't be able to offer my kids any wisdom about romance / sex / relationships because I never got the normal experience of 'playing the field' before 'settling down' a decade (or more) later. 

 

You didn't witness the mistakes that your friends made? I don't think that a mom needs to have first-hand experience of the dangers of and emotional trauma caused by "hookup" culture in order to advise her children against it. I saw enough of it from what my friends went through.

 

[Guest]

We can't predict at all when our kids will meet the right person, or if they ever will. My parents met at 15 & 17. I'm 50 and still haven't met the right person.

 

I can say from experience that it doesn't help (and could harm) to be goal-oriented about when to get married (or other details) without even knowing the who part. :P

 

How it's going to go in marriage really depends about 95% on whom you marry IMO. I've seen many successful and unsuccessful marriages at all legal ages. I just don't know what advice I could possibly have for my kids on this, because I don't know their fiances yet.

We have a bit of a different view on this. I don't think there's some "right person" milling about the earth for each other person. People most often settle for an available person when they are in the frame of mind to make that committment. I mean, I'm sure I could have waited around and chosen someone different, if I was not already primed to think marriage was what I should logically be planning. Maybe that different person would have been better for me in some ways, maybe worse in other ways, maybe overall better, worse, or about the same. It would be great, for instance, if I had a DH who loved to read and discuss complex books like I do, but then maybe the guy who is good at that wouldn't be able to fix my car worth a darn; maybe it would get on my nerves. Or maybe I could have not chosen marriage at all, but I had not even begun to think that was a choice a person could reasonably make.

 

I do agree with you that how it goes is going to depend heavily on what that person is like - and also how you are together. But - strictly speaking from my own observation, and it is usually the female who does this - I see how young women who don't have other goals frequently become fixated on getting married, and this means they start looking at who is available now, rather than who objectively would make a really good mate. They *might* pick well. They *might* not. But this is where it matters to me their age, because younger women who have not yet got themselves going in another direction often do start making babies and getting married (hopefully not in that order, but I have seen it) because it's something to do. It feels like they are grown up and doing adult things - indeed, having babies is no cake walk - but I just mean, I've known young women (a LOT of them) who go this direction and I "blame" not having other goals.

 

Not that raising children is not a worthy goal! Far be it from me to think this is some sort of waste! And it's not that I think anyone consciously thinks, "Well, I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'll just get married and have some kids." I doubt there has ever been a mother who consciously expressed this idea. But I have seen a certain scenario enough times to think this does happen.

 

We've been talking here recently about the differences in how wealthier parents raise their kids vs. how poorer families do. Well, this is a big one, especially regarding daughters. Wealthier parents most often treat college, for example, as an obvious certainty. Of course their kids will complete at least a bachelor's degree directly. Of course they don't prefer their kids marry and/or have kids before they have their acts together as adults. Also, if the parents are paying for their child's college, don't you think those parents are going to want their "investment" to come to fruition? I really would hope that they would see what a gift they've been given and would graduate with a degree.

[MEmama]

The highest risk for divorce statistically is in the first 5 years of marriage and it goes down quite a bit after 10 years. It levels off after 15 years and there is a slight bump at around 25 years (presumably empty nesters who stuck it out until the kids were adults) before going down again.

Ok, but your quote was this:

 

Married and not seeking additional children is VERY different than a couple who is not only unmarried but not even considering getting married (yet or ever).

 

I'm not sure what the statistics you provide have to do with your statement? Trying to understand.

[historically accurate]

I don't know that I have a preference for age. I have only girls, and I would like them to have at minimum a Bachelor's before marrying/settling down with a lifelong/longtime partner. They would be more likely to be the ones to give up their schooling for new locations, kids, etc. If I had to pick an age, it'd probably be 25+ to give them time to graduate and settle into their work life/adult life.

 

I doubt I would freak out if one of them wants to get married at 18-20, although I would probably have lots of discussions on plans, schooling, finances, etc. I will not sign off on marriage before 18 though. 

[Julie Smith]

We have a bit of a different view on this. I don't think there's some "right person" milling about the earth for each other person. People most often settle for an available person when they are in the frame of mind to make that committment. I mean, I'm sure I could have waited around and chosen someone different, if I was not already primed to think marriage was what I should logically be planning. Maybe that different person would have been better for me in some ways, maybe worse in other ways, maybe overall better, worse, or about the same. It would be great, for instance, if I had a DH who loved to read and discuss complex books like I do, but then maybe the guy who is good at that wouldn't be able to fix my car worth a darn; maybe it would get on my nerves. Or maybe I could have not chosen marriage at all, but I had not even begun to think that was a choice a person could reasonably make.

I do agree with you that how it goes is going to depend heavily on what that person is like - and also how you are together. But - strictly speaking from my own observation, and it is usually the female who does this - I see how young women who don't have other goals frequently become fixated on getting married, and this means they start looking at who is available now, rather than who objectively would make a really good mate. They *might* pick well. They *might* not. But this is where it matters to me their age, because younger women who have not yet got themselves going in another direction often do start making babies and getting married (hopefully not in that order, but I have seen it) because it's something to do. It feels like they are grown up and doing adult things - indeed, having babies is no cake walk - but I just mean, I've known young women (a LOT of them) who go this direction and I "blame" not having other goals. Not that raising children is not a worthy goal! Far be it from me to think this is some sort of waste! And it's not that I think anyone consciously thinks, "Well, I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'll just get married and have some kids." I doubt there has ever been a mother who consciously expressed this idea. But I have seen a certain scenario enough times to think this does happen.

We've been talking here recently about the differences in how wealthier parents raise their kids vs. how poorer families do. Well, this is a big one, especially regarding daughters. Wealthier parents most often treat college, for example, as an obvious certainty. Of course their kids will complete at least a bachelor's degree directly. Of course they don't prefer their kids marry and/or have kids before they have their acts together as adults. Also, if the parents are paying for their child's college, don't you think those parents are going to want their "investment" to come to fruition? I really would hope that they would see what a gift they've been given and would graduate with a degree.

To hard to just quote some of your post. My iPad isn't coroperating.

 

Considering the first paragraph of your post I think you would like the song, "If I didn't have you" by Tim Minchin.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

[SKL]

We have a bit of a different view on this. I don't think there's some "right person" milling about the earth for each other person. People most often settle for an available person when they are in the frame of mind to make that committment. I mean, I'm sure I could have waited around and chosen someone different, if I was not already primed to think marriage was what I should logically be planning. Maybe that different person would have been better for me in some ways, maybe worse in other ways, maybe overall better, worse, or about the same. It would be great, for instance, if I had a DH who loved to read and discuss complex books like I do, but then maybe the guy who is good at that wouldn't be able to fix my car worth a darn; maybe it would get on my nerves. Or maybe I could have not chosen marriage at all, but I had not even begun to think that was a choice a person could reasonably make.

 

I do agree with you that how it goes is going to depend heavily on what that person is like - and also how you are together. But - strictly speaking from my own observation, and it is usually the female who does this - I see how young women who don't have other goals frequently become fixated on getting married, and this means they start looking at who is available now, rather than who objectively would make a really good mate. They *might* pick well. They *might* not. But this is where it matters to me their age, because younger women who have not yet got themselves going in another direction often do start making babies and getting married (hopefully not in that order, but I have seen it) because it's something to do. It feels like they are grown up and doing adult things - indeed, having babies is no cake walk - but I just mean, I've known young women (a LOT of them) who go this direction and I "blame" not having other goals.

 

Not that raising children is not a worthy goal! Far be it from me to think this is some sort of waste! And it's not that I think anyone consciously thinks, "Well, I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'll just get married and have some kids." I doubt there has ever been a mother who consciously expressed this idea. But I have seen a certain scenario enough times to think this does happen.

 

We've been talking here recently about the differences in how wealthier parents raise their kids vs. how poorer families do. Well, this is a big one, especially regarding daughters. Wealthier parents most often treat college, for example, as an obvious certainty. Of course their kids will complete at least a bachelor's degree directly. Of course they don't prefer their kids marry and/or have kids before they have their acts together as adults. Also, if the parents are paying for their child's college, don't you think those parents are going to want their "investment" to come to fruition? I really would hope that they would see what a gift they've been given and would graduate with a degree.

 

Hmm, I guess I consider it a given that a young woman has goals (I'm focusing on women since I only have daughters).  I do realize some adolescents are a lot fuzzier about goals than others.  My kids are not behind this curve; they think about future education and careers much more than they think about having families.  Career is something you can plan for, so we do.

 

We do seem to differ a lot on the "right person" side of things.  I don't see deciding "now's the time, I need to go pick a guy from what's available here and now."  Furthermore, when the biological clock started ticking extra loudly on me, I let down my guard too much and got into quite a fix - if I'd married that person, it would have been a disaster.  Dying a spinster would be better.  So, if my kids meet someone they believe is right, then great, I will be the happiest mom.  But if not, I'm not going to encourage them to settle.

 

I might not be the #1 best relationship counselor, LOL, but that's where I'm at based on my life experience and observations.

[Clemsondana]

I don't remember the question that prompted the original statement, so I could be off base. What I think CrimsonWife means is that an unexpected child might affect a married couple that is 'done' or 'not ready' differently than a pair who had no long-term commitment plans. I remember when we were newlyweds, looking at 3 more years of grad school, and I asked my husband what we would do if I wound up unexpectedly pregnant. He said that we'd probably end up taking 5 years and doing a lot more driving. These days, a 'bonus baby' would have us commenting on how live throws some curveballs, wondering how we'd manage the current schedule of karate and baseball, rearranging bedrooms, and setting up a crib. There would not be 'I didn't sign up for another kid' statements or worries about 'entrapment' - we're in this together. If single me had been in that situation, the response would more likely have been panic. I don't know how imaginary baby daddy would have responded, but it might not have been well. And, there would definitely be changes of plans even if both parents took responsibility, since they hadn't planned to be together over the long term. Anyway, CrimsonWife can correct what she meant if I missed something, but that's how I took it.

 

Ok, but your quote was this:

Married and not seeking additional children is VERY different than a couple who is not only unmarried but not even considering getting married (yet or ever).

I'm not sure what the statistics you provide have to do with your statement? Trying to understand.

[Guest]

To hard to just quote some of your post. My iPad isn't coroperating.

 

Considering the first paragraph of your post I think you would like the song, "If I didn't have you" by Tim Minchin.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

Yes, that spoofy song was running through my head as I typed it. 😀 but if I go try to grab a link while I'm composing a post, I always seem to lose my post. But yes. Exactly like Tim Minchin's goofy song. I listen to that song ever once in a while for kicks, because that is pretty much exactly how I think of pairing up.

[PeachyDoodle]

I think the biggest measure of what makes a marriage work, barring serious problems (abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc.), is simply both parties not leaving. Sounds too simple, but really, just not leaving is the strongest guarantor of marriage continuing in my unscientific opinion. We do know statistically, the more times a person has divorced, the higher the likelihood that they will divorce again. So we can theorize that having divorced once takes it out of the realm of "Something I Would Never Do" and makes it something one knows they would actually do if deemed necessary. Thus, people who have not divorced don't have a picture of that as something they might do and are therefore more likely to stay (barring serious issues), so by staying they are always making it more probable that they will continue to choose to stay.

 

I agree -- sounds too easy but at lot of times that's really what it boils down to. In many ways, I think it's just as important (if not more so) to find a person whose understanding of marriage matches yours as it is to find one who makes your heart go pitter-patter. Not that I don't want both for my kids, but as a parent, my hope is that their future spouses will see marriage as something bigger than the two individuals that comprise it.

[Carrie12345]

We have a bit of a different view on this. I don't think there's some "right person" milling about the earth for each other person. People most often settle for an available person when they are in the frame of mind to make that committment. I mean, I'm sure I could have waited around and chosen someone different, if I was not already primed to think marriage was what I should logically be planning. Maybe that different person would have been better for me in some ways, maybe worse in other ways, maybe overall better, worse, or about the same. It would be great, for instance, if I had a DH who loved to read and discuss complex books like I do, but then maybe the guy who is good at that wouldn't be able to fix my car worth a darn; maybe it would get on my nerves. Or maybe I could have not chosen marriage at all, but I had not even begun to think that was a choice a person could reasonably make.

 

I do agree with you that how it goes is going to depend heavily on what that person is like - and also how you are together. But - strictly speaking from my own observation, and it is usually the female who does this - I see how young women who don't have other goals frequently become fixated on getting married, and this means they start looking at who is available now, rather than who objectively would make a really good mate. They *might* pick well. They *might* not. But this is where it matters to me their age, because younger women who have not yet got themselves going in another direction often do start making babies and getting married (hopefully not in that order, but I have seen it) because it's something to do. It feels like they are grown up and doing adult things - indeed, having babies is no cake walk - but I just mean, I've known young women (a LOT of them) who go this direction and I "blame" not having other goals.

 

Not that raising children is not a worthy goal! Far be it from me to think this is some sort of waste! And it's not that I think anyone consciously thinks, "Well, I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'll just get married and have some kids." I doubt there has ever been a mother who consciously expressed this idea. But I have seen a certain scenario enough times to think this does happen.

 

We've been talking here recently about the differences in how wealthier parents raise their kids vs. how poorer families do. Well, this is a big one, especially regarding daughters. Wealthier parents most often treat college, for example, as an obvious certainty. Of course their kids will complete at least a bachelor's degree directly. Of course they don't prefer their kids marry and/or have kids before they have their acts together as adults. Also, if the parents are paying for their child's college, don't you think those parents are going to want their "investment" to come to fruition? I really would hope that they would see what a gift they've been given and would graduate with a degree.

I don't believe in soul mates or anything like that, but I might not be able to keep myself from speaking up if any of my kids had to settle for a partner who was good enough at the "right" moment. I won't even settle for "good enough" ice cream for goodness sake!

 

I'm also not looking for a return on my "investment". I chose to have these kids and raise them as I see fit. They didn't have a whole lot of choice in that. They owe me nothing as adults.

 

(As kids, I might argue that they owe me some dish washing and occasional babysitting, but those are far from life defining demands.)