towel poll

[Melissa in Australia]

so new arrival has a blue stripy towel. He is doing swimming lessons at school three days a week and after school two days a week. Due to him not hanging his towel up  last night but just chucking it over the railing it didn't get dry ( I only noticed just before I went to bed and hung it up properly). All my beach/ pool towels have flowers on them. Mostly those frangipani or hibiscus flower  beach towels. These are the towels that my biological boys have always used there has never been any problem,  they thought surfer towel = cool. New arrival chucked a tantrum over using a girls towel :confused1: . I was astounded. :confused1:  I made him take it.

 

Case manager told me that I was heavy handed, that I will know better than to make him use a towel with flowers again. That her  6 year old son would  have behaved exactly the same and if my children had gone to school then I would have understood exactly new arrivals way of viewing things. ( my older boys did do lower grades of primary school.). I am thinking that possibly her son is a sook as well, but it made me wonder what would your 8 year old boy would  have done?

 

 

 

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by Melissa in Australia

[JenneinCA]

My boys never even used a towel at eight unless I was standing over them and telling them to. It was just another unnecessary step. I felt pretty good if their clothes were right side out and facing the correct direction. And a bonus if the socks were on.

[Arctic Bunny]

I said other, because I would have been worried it was too girly and sent him with a plain grey one. But maybe I'm imagining the towel differently. And Australian towel culture is probably waaaay different than our go for swimming lessons once a year, only time you'd have a pool towel sort of thing.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

My boys would have (and still would) take any towel. They don't care, never have.

[bettyandbob]

My oldest at 8 would not have used a towel. He didn't use towels. After a bath he would out on pajamas wet. He's 22 he still doesn't use towels very much. Odd. Works for him.

 

Had he used towels he wouldn't have wanted be with flowers. However, I think the case manager is ridiculous.

[justasque]

50% of mine would have used the towel no problem.  50% would have feared being teased about having a girls' towel.  For mine it would not be so much about how the child feels about the towel themselves, it's about them worrying that others will perceive it as inappropriate and say something about it, making the towel user feel embarrassed and stupid.  It's about having learned to be very, very careful not to make yourself a target.  It's about fear, and if they've been teased or bullied before about such things, it's not an unreasonable fear.  

 When there are behaviors that don't make sense to me, I try to gently ask the child to explain, as best they can, what they are feeling/fearing, so that I can get to the bottom of it and correct any misconceptions or understand enough to make reasonable accommodations.  They are not always able to explain, so I try to be understanding even when I don't really understand.  It's not always easy, and sometimes I completely miss something I should have understood.  

I hope that now your new arrival is part of a loving, supportive family, they can begin to shed some of these fears and relax a bit. 

[displace]

DS loves red, color being much more important than a design.

[SKL]

I don't have sons, but I can say my brothers would not have wanted to take a flowery towel to school.  Kids at school can be little jerks.  My brothers would not have thrown a tantrum, but they would have figured out some other way to get out of taking the flowery towel.

 

Perhaps 8yo previously lived in a home where he was taught that flowers were for girls, or perhaps he has seen boys teased for having "girly" things at school.

[gardenmom5]

so new arrival has a blue stripy towel. He is doing swimming lessons at school three days a week and after school two days a week. Due to him not hanging his towel up  last night but just chucking it over the railing it didn't get dry ( I only noticed just before I went to bed and hung it up properly). All my beach/ pool towels have flowers on them. Mostly those frangipani or hibiscus flower  beach towels. These are the towels that my biological boys have always used there has never been any problem,  they thought surfer towel = cool. New arrival chucked a tantrum over using a girls towel :confused1: . I was astounded. :confused1:  I made him take it.

 

Case manager told me that I was heavy handed, that I will know better than to make him use a towel with flowers again. That her  6 year old son would  have behaved exactly the same and if my children had gone to school then I would have understood exactly new arrivals way of viewing things. ( my older boys did do lower grades of primary school.). I am thinking that possibly her son is a sook as well, but it made me wonder what would your 8 year old boy would  have done?

 

did caseworker actually see the towel?  or just what the little boy said?

did caseworker understand the choice was between hawaiian beach towel or wet towel?

 

does case worker have more than one child? does caseworker follow very stereotypical behaviors?  I'd have rolled my eyes.

 

I have ones who would have melted down, and ones who wouldn't have cared.    I might have asked which they preferred.  depends how much time I had, what kind of a mood I was in, and if the child is capable of being reasoned with.  a dry "girlie" towel for one time, or a still wet one?

 

I think it's more important if they have sisters and how much parents/grandparents do stereotypical "this is for girls, this is for boys".

[OneStepAtATime]

My kiddo at that age would not have cared.  Towels are for drying.  However, I do have nephews that would have.  They would have been really embarrassed and afraid of what others would say.  Perhaps your new arrival was taught that flowers are for girls from others in a position to exert a lot of influence and perhaps he has been teased before for something similar.

 

Honestly, I would probably not have thought about it being an issue ahead of time.  He needed a towel.  I would have grabbed him a towel, whatever happened to be available (well maybe not Hello Kitty :) ) .  Once the meltdown occurred I would probably assume he was not just being a brat, he was possibly very stressed out emotionally over the possibility of others cutting him down for being girly.  Not sure what I would have done at that point.  Probably just rationally explained that this is the only option so he needs to take the other towel or go without.  Obviously, when a child is melting down they themselves may not be able to internalize and respond well to a rational discussion.   :grouphug: Hopefully he will be able to gain some confidence and flexibility and resilience along the way (and remember how to hang his own towel so it will be dry in time...) so this type of thing isn't such a huge issue in the future.

 

Your case worker is out of line, though.  (And apparently not a fan of homeschooling?)

[Melissa in Australia]

It was over 30 oC today . A wet towel in his school bag all day would be pretty musty by 2pm swimming. There was no choice of taking a wet towel. All my other towels for pool/ beach use have some type of Hibiscus or Frangipani flower on them. I to get a new towel would involve me driving 100 km to the shopping centre

 

 

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

I am more prone to think that new arrival ( who has been in care for 5 years) is use to chucking tantrums to get whatever he wants from carers.

[OneStepAtATime]

I am more prone to think that new arrival ( who has been in care for 5 years) is use to chucking tantrums to get whatever he wants from carers.

But wouldn't that kind of also depend on how stable and consistent the care had been for him to learn necessary coping skills when things feel beyond his control/stressful/embarrassing?  I'm not saying you are wrong.  You are there with boots on the ground.  I'm just saying that maybe there are layers to this.  It may take time to tweak out the layers and kind of help rewrite some of the mucked up coding in the layers that make up this child.

[Melissa in Australia]

But wouldn't that kind of also depend on how stable and consistent the care had been for him to learn necessary coping skills when things feel beyond his control/stressful/embarrassing?  I'm not saying you are wrong.  You are there with boots on the ground.  I'm just saying that maybe there are layers to this.  It may take time to tweak out the layers and kind of help rewrite some of the mucked up coding in the layers that make up this child.

you are right. Of course I should not expect him to even be remotely close to normal. The towel thing just caught me by surprise. That is why I posted a poll to try and gauge if I am completely in off track and my boys were exceptional easy going and the case manager is correct and we are making every single thing into a big ordeal. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Case manager was rude and not terribly accurate. Lots of kids would probably not have cared. Obviously others do, but her assumption that this is normal and expected for all 8 year old boys just isn't accurate. Hugs

[Amber in SJ]

Ds has 3 older sisters and would never think a thing of flowers on beach towels.  His booster seat had purple stars & dh was worried that he might think it was too girly, ds said, "Why wouldn't I like purple stars?"  

 

If none of your boys have batted an eye at your towels so far, why would it be a blip on your radar?

 

This isn't the same as expecting your new arrival to have the same taste in foods, or prefer the same reading material or any number of things where there is a huge variety in personal opinion.  This is a towel.  Why would you think this would trigger of a tantrum?  You can't go around analyzing everything in your home looking for potential tantrums.  "Hmmmm.  That binder is laminated cardboard instead of plastic.  I wonder if it will be upsetting for him to carry it."  I think your case manager is a little off in this situation.  Being sensitive to the needs of the little guy doesn't mean anticipating every problem because that is impossible.  It means lovingly adjusting to his needs when he makes them known.  You prefer the blue towel?  Great.  This is how we make that happen.  We hang it up!  

 

Amber in SJ

[gardenmom5]

I am more prone to think that new arrival ( who has been in care for 5 years) is use to chucking tantrums to get whatever he wants from carers.

with the caseworker he has. . . I can't imagine why you'd think that.  ;)

[Laura Corin]

So much is going on in your new arrival's life, I'd be trying to be flexible on the small things.  

 

My boys would probably not have liked using a flowered towel but would have coped.  They have not had to deal with everything your new arrival has, however.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

It might have depended on the type of flower.  Hibiscus flowers wouldn't have bothered him.  But, pink and purple, fat petaled, girly flowers might have.  Then again, his favorite blankets growing up were handed down from his sister, and pink.  He used a pink flannel comforter all the way through high school, until it was threadbare and torn.  He didn't take it Florida with him for college. :)

[LucyStoner]

My 8 year old son picked bedding with flowers on it. Neither of my sons would give a fig about what the towel pattern was. But I do agree with Laura that flexibility isn't a bad thing and that my sons haven't lived the life of a foster child.

 

That said, if the striped towel was dirty, the striped towel was dirty.

Edited February 8, 2017 by LucyStoner

[J-rap]

Assuming you mean boys, I don't think my ds would have even noticed what the design was at that age.  

 

But knowing that this is such a big deal for your new arrival, I'd go easy on him and let him have his way in that situation.  He has been through a lot of changes in his short life, I'm sure.

[Laura Corin]

That said, if the striped towel was dirty, the striped towel was dirty.

 

I would have given him the choice of the dirty towel or the flowered towel.  Using a dirty towel for swimming isn't the end of the world.  But the OP has an awful lot on her plate at the moment, so last-minute negotiation is probably hard to manage.

[LucyStoner]

I would have given him the choice of the dirty towel or the flowered towel. Using a dirty towel for swimming isn't the end of the world. But the OP has an awful lot on her plate at the moment, so last-minute negotiation is probably hard to manage.

And the dirty towel could have been in the wash when it came up/needed to be packed. I try to have two towels per person here so there's always one clean but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Or go very boring and get all plain towels.

[Laura Corin]

And the dirty towel could have been in the wash when it came up/needed to be packed. I try to have two towels per person here so there's always one clean but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Yes, in that case. When she said that it had been put on the rail and then she hung it up properly, I assumed it was still available, but maybe not.

[Rachel]

My 9 year old would not have been happy about the towel. He isn't prone to tantrums but my guess is that he would have skipped using any towel over having to use one even slightly girly (in his mind).

 

Kids don't like to get teased and what they think they might get teased about is different than what adults think. This child's reaction was too strong for the situation. I don't know how long he is going to be with you, but maybe you can work with him in appropriate responses. If he had rationally said to you, "Melissa last time I carried a towel with a flower on it a mean kid teased me and I'd rather not be teased." I imagine you would have helped him find a different towel. Throwing a fit just made you want to put your foot down, as it would have me.

 

The other thing is that his striped towel COULD be some sort of security object for him. It's just a random towel to you, for him it could be his only connection to a parent, or something he takes pride in carrying.

 

It's hard work raising kids, especially ones that come into homes with baggage, hang in there!

[Loesje22000]

Tantrum is overreacted, but flowers are for girls where I live.

And if he does not like towels with flowers he knows now what to do: hanging out his towel properly...

But maybe, with that amount of swimminglessons, I would be nice and make one other towel without flowers available.

(My houses in the past were terrible in drying towels, so another swimming towel would avoid too much hassle)

[Melissa in Australia]

There is no other towel available. It is 100 km to the closest shop that has towels. Who knows when I will get a chance to go shopping there next. I bought him the stripy towel. Nobody else has their own special towel, everyone else just uses the floral beach towels. Why should I buy him 2 towels when the whole rest of the family uses the old towels? If he had hung his towel up properly then it would have been dry.

[Carrie12345]

Heavy handed?!?!?!

 

Okay, so the kid didn't have the opportunity to be raised with the rational view that flowers don't kill boys. That's not his fault, and it certainly can't be fixed during one brief incident.

 

But the idea of a case manager backing up the reaction as an across-the-board, "obvious" issue?  What. The. Flip?

 

My boys wouldn't even notice, I don't think.  They like guns and superheroes and dirt. And My Little Ponies, the color pink, and (ugh) Shopkins.

[Guest]

One of mine would throw a fit if he got it in his head he needed a specific towel, and not because he expects tantrums to get him what he wants lol.

 

The other wouldn't notice OR would be excited to use a new to him towel. He's extremely bright-side oriented haha

 

That weird caseworker doesn't know about heavy handed!

[MamaBearTeacher]

It seems the case manager is too involved in a minor situation. This does not give you the freedom to develop a relationship with the boy and work things out yourself and it creates a situation where he will run to her with every little thing that makes him unhappy.

[Rachel]

There is no other towel available. It is 100 km to the closest shop that has towels. Who knows when I will get a chance to go shopping there next. I bought him the stripy towel. Nobody else has their own special towel, everyone else just uses the floral beach towels. Why should I buy him 2 towels when the whole rest of the family uses the old towels? If he had hung his towel up properly then it would have been dry.

I misunderstood, I thought it had come to your home with him.

[Cindy in FL.]

My boys wouldn't have cared about the towel. They'd just be glad they had one all to their self! I always made them share pool towels.

[Katy]

I think the social workers here would have applauded you for using the natural consequence of using a towel he didn't like when he didn't care for his own towel.  It may have gone something like, "Bummer!  I guess next time you'll remember to hang up your own towel so you don't get stuck with flowers again, huh?"

 

And that would be the end of it.

 

Having said that, I would give the caseworker some grace.  It's a difficult job, and people complain about everything all the time.

[Xahm]

My brothers would have taken the towel tip avoid trouble at home and then hidden it/lost it at school to avoid teasing. By high school they wouldn't have cared, but from nine to thirteen out was pretty serious for them. And no, it doesn't have to be logical. One brother decided that lunchboxes were out for whatever reason and so lost several before mom started making him use old grocery bags, which is what he actually wanted.

[Xahm]

That wasn't to mean you should have expected a tantrum. Just that different kids get strong ideas about what is socially appropriate and won't necessarily believe you over their peers.

[MysteryJen]

I have never had a problem with towels. Most of our towels are fairly "girly" because I buy whatever is on sale at the end of the season. Or they were birthday gifts for the girls (a popular gift among the tweens on our swim team). All towels are folded in a basket on top of the washer and swimmers grab the one on top. 

All of my boys at one time or another had pink towels with flowers for practices or meets, because they were the towels that were clean and dry.

 

No tantrums about towels. And I have heard that anyone was picked on or teased for their towel at swim team.

 

Your new arrival will be more careful about hanging out the striped towel to dry, I imagine. And I think your social worker is not quite up to the mark.

[Cinder]

At that age my sons would not have liked using a towel with flowers on. One would have grudgingly used it, the other might have chosen not to use a towel at all. They're much older now and, these days, wouldn't care at all. But back then they would have.

[luuknam]

My oldest wouldn't have cared at 8yo, but he was also the kid who picked out a Hello Kitty backpack for 1st grade, and a Rachel Ray lunch tote for 2nd grade:

 

https://guideimg.alibaba.com/images/shop/2016/09/20/86/rachael-ray-insulated-lunch-tote-purple-orange-chevron-by-rachael-ray_26111286.jpeg

 

He was homeschooled from 3rd grade on, so he was technically still 7 while he took those things to public school every day (summer birthday), but, close enough. I don't think he'd have an issue taking a towel like that to swim&gym even at 9.5yo, but I haven't tried - he's got a YMCA towel he got from summer camp, and when that's not available he has a monster towel (something like this):

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/51/cb/0c/51cb0c7db1a933def3f4373f031327ae.jpg

 

Which of course isn't too girly, but personally I think it's too baby-ish. He's fine with it though.

 

Now, in the situation of the foster kid, I might've offered him a kitchen towel if I were in your situation. Too small, yes, but something - 8yos aren't that big anyway, so they don't particularly *need* much towel. In fact, my 9.5yo's YMCA towel often comes back still perfectly folded after swim&gym - I think he just wipes his face with it or something.

 

Do you have any kind of business that delivers stuff to your doorstep, like we have Amazon? Towels are cheap (or rather, they can be), so I don't see the harm in getting one more.

[Farrar]

It's not our family culture to buy into gender conformity to anywhere near that extent. I mean, my kids wouldn't have cared even if it was a pink Barbie towel. They wouldn't have picked that for themselves, but they would have brought it.

 

I don't know what the rules are for your foster kids, but it seems crazy to think that you're required to give in on something like that. I would have been like, yeah, I'm heavy handed that if you don't take care of your things, then you take what's available. And, really, it's not like you required him to bring a "girly" towel. Anyone who is putting that on that towel is way too concerned with gender conformity. I hope that case manager never ends up with a gender non-conforming kid. Presumably she could do that child actual harm if her views are that strict.

[BlsdMama]

Well, my DS is 12, so.... 

 

But he wouldn't be thrilled.  I mean, he'd use it, no fits, no pouting.  But he would be less than enthusiastic, kwim?

[foxbridgeacademy]

My kids wouldn't have cared what they used.  DS now 15 wears "ironic" clothes, his one shirt has a kitten and rainbows in outer space, he thinks it's hilarious. :glare: We didn't raise them to define flowers or particular colors/styles as girls vs. boys.  In fact DD 13 wears her brothers old clothes (camo shorts, round neck t-shirts, sweaters, farmer style flannels).  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I doubt he'd care.

 

 

 

 

[Baseball mom]

Crazy for the caseworker to act like that.  Part of learning is consequences... didn't hang the towel you like, you use the flower towel.

 

At that age one of mine might have been embarrassed, (probably not, like you said it is a surfer towel),  one wouldn't care at all.  Now that they are teens they sure wouldn't care. 

 

They have one friend that still freaks out if you give him a cup (or anything) with a flower or pink or something on it.  The rest of their friends don't pay a bit of attention.   

Edited February 8, 2017 by Baseball mom

[Desert Strawberry]

I'm with you on this one. The practical options are 1. Hang up your towel to dry. 2. Use a dry towel that is available. 3. Take no towel at all and deal with the consequences(be wet, don't swim, whatever). 

 

The case worker is way off the mark here. Even if she doesn't especially care for your aesthetic taste in towels, she made it a personal attack on your parenting. You didn't dress him in a tu tu, for crying out loud. It's a towel.

[SKL]

Not to harp on the towel, which is water under the bridge, but I probably would have let him take a hand towel and just deal.  I know it's not ideal, but the options are what they are.  :)

[SKL]

And I agree that the case worker is being too harsh on you, and also missing the fact that disappointment (in an 8yo) is usually more of a learning experience than anything else.  My kids have times when they are ridiculous and need to get over themselves.  It isn't bad parenting, it's life.  Next time your 8yo thinks of throwing his wet towel on the floor, he will remember that isn't such a great idea.  No real harm done.

[Guest]

Mine probably wouldn't have cared to use the flowery towel, but he would either have taken a bath towel, or used the flowery towel to dry off and then chucked it on my chair, or just not used a towel.  He hardly ever did, anyway.  12 years of swim team.  1 towel made it all the way through.  :0) 

[zoobie]

We have a pool and keep a pile of towels. Some are striped. Some have the Hawaiian type flowers on them. Some have stripes and flowers. My DS is 11. He and his friends grab whichever towel is on top.

[justasque]

so new arrival has a blue stripy towel. He is doing swimming lessons at school three days a week and after school two days a week. Due to him not hanging his towel up  last night but just chucking it over the railing it didn't get dry ( I only noticed just before I went to bed and hung it up properly). All my beach/ pool towels have flowers on them. Mostly those frangipani or hibiscus flower  beach towels. These are the towels that my biological boys have always used there has never been any problem,  they thought surfer towel = cool. New arrival chucked a tantrum over using a girls towel :confused1: . I was astounded. :confused1:  I made him take it.

 

Case manager told me that I was heavy handed, that I will know better than to make him use a towel with flowers again. That her  6 year old son would  have behaved exactly the same and if my children had gone to school then I would have understood exactly new arrivals way of viewing things. ( my older boys did do lower grades of primary school.). I am thinking that possibly her son is a sook as well, but it made me wonder what would your 8 year old boy would  have done?

I think there are several different issues here - New Arrival's behavior with regard to the towel, the OP's reaction to the behavior, and the Case Manager's response.  

 

--I think the CM's response was not particularly supportive or helplful.  What her son would have done is neither here nor there.  She could have gently explained that while the OP's family and community isn't particularly hung up on gender-specificity of utilitarian objects, this child may have legitimate fears of teasing or bullying based on past experiences.  She could have gently explored options for making sure the issue of the towel in particular doesn't happen again (for example, OP, knowing it is an issue for NA, can discreetly double-check that the towel gets dried in future, reminding NA to hang it up if she sees it hasn't been), and more broadly how to gently guide New Arrival towards 1) how to make strong feelings known without tantrums, and 2) how to deal with fear of potential bullying.

 

--I think the OP's reaction is totally normal for a parent who hasn't encountered a child with strong feelings around using items intended (in their view) for the opposite gender.  I don't think she should have seen it coming as the CM implied.  However, now that the OP is aware of the problem, she can be more sensitive to it in the future, with an eye towards gently leading the NA to be more flexible as he learns that he is in a safe space now where he will not be bullied for such things.

 

--I think the NA's behavior has two issues - the fact that he was worried about using the towel, and how he communicated that fact.  Clearly, the NA needs to learn ways to communicate strong fears and concerns without a tantrum.  The OP can begin to explicitly teach these strategies, so that future issues can be identified and worked out gently *before* they escalate to a tantrum.  Note that doesn't mean that NA gets everything he wants.  It is possible to identify and validate a child's feelings, then brainstorm options together and have the child choose the option they feel will be the best under the circumstances.  

 

As to the towel specifically, perhaps some exposure to surf culture, where tropical floral motifs are worn by both males and females, might be helpful to the NA.  

 

I think it's really important to understand that however many WTM kids would not see this as an issue at all, the NA made it clear that, FOR HIM, the issue was real, and important.  That needs to be acknowledged, understood as best as possible, and taken into consideration as much as possible under the circumstances.  This will create a safety and trust that will allow the NA to grow and learn under the OP's loving guidance, which will pave the way towards better behavior and more flexibility in the future.

[lexi]

My son is 9 and might have given me a sulky look about the towel. However, there have been times that he didn't hang up his towel and he had to use one of our other towels - one has Minnie Mouse and one is yellow with blue flowers. They're pretty girly. He just dealt with it. I gave him the choice of one of those towels or no towel at all. He pouted a little but took the towel. He got over it. 

I would not expect a huge tantrum over a towel that might appear slightly girly. However, I don't know this boy's background or situation so it's likely that he has some irrational tendencies. So in a small way I see his side of things in that he might have come from a difficult situation and might not have the coping skills of other children his age. 

I don't think it's appropriate for the caseworker to back up the boy and come down on you. It was a natural consequence. It's part of life. We don't always get everything we want all the time. At 8, I would expect a child to start understanding that life is not always "fair" in his or her eyes.