Do ya'all honestly feel you should *control* your adult children?

[BlsdMama]

Is this the natural extension of helicopter parenting?!

 

I consider myself a careful parent.  I consider myself an intentional parent.  What I don't understand is, if you aren't footing the bill, and your child doesn't live at home, why a parent thinks they must control all things for their adult children.  Now, input - input I understand.  Advising?  SURE!  Tell what, who, when, how, and when, as a determination rather than a conversation?  Seriously?

 

 

When I was 19 I was married. I had a child.  We supported ourselves.  Where we went to school, where we lived, where we went...  My parents could give advice, but generally speaking, I was "allowed" to have my own life.

 

I do NOT understand:

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I  tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

 

All under the threat (unveiled) of being disowned.

 

This isn't normal, right?  I get that my parents just essentially said, "You're 18.  Good-bye.  Visit soon.  You were a royal pain in high school so FLY little bird and we look forward to seeing you every few weeks."  

 

 

VENTING today.  Probably JAWM.  Need. More. Coffee.

 

Mandatory Don't Quote status as I will chill and delete this later. 

[SKL]

I can see this in some cultures.

 

Some of my friends seem to think I should be like this with my kids.  Otherwise I obviously don't care about them.

 

I was raised differently.

 

Now, if they live in my home, they have to respect how I run my home.  And my kids will always have to listen to me jabber, whether they agree with me or not.  :P

[athomeontheprairie]

I feel like this is a trick question. Really, adults are free to make their own deacons regardless of their parents. But like everyone they are not free from the consequences of those decisions.

If parents threaten one thing, they are absolutely free and justified to disregard such command. They might be disowned. Parents are equally free to threaten, but they too are not free from the consequences of such action. Their children may walk away for good, or follow and resent them. Or obey and be thankful for the heavy handed guidance.

 

I don't get it. Like you, I was married at 19. Baby at 20. Dh and I made our own decisions regardless of what our parents thought. But they never threatened us either.

[Murphy101]

Is this the natural extension of helicopter parenting?!

 

I consider myself a careful parent. I consider myself an intentional parent. What I don't understand is, if you aren't footing the bill, and your child doesn't live at home, why a parent thinks they must control all things for their adult children. Now, input - input I understand. Advising? SURE! Tell what, who, when, how, and when, as a determination rather than a conversation? Seriously?

 

 

When I was 19 I was married. I had a child. We supported ourselves. Where we went to school, where we lived, where we went... My parents could give advice, but generally speaking, I was "allowed" to have my own life.

 

I do NOT understand:

 

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

 

All under the threat (unveiled) of being disowned.

 

This isn't normal, right? I get that my parents just essentially said, "You're 18. Good-bye. Visit soon. You were a royal pain in high school so FLY little bird and we look forward to seeing you every few weeks."

 

 

VENTING today. Probably JAWM. Need. More. Coffee.

 

Mandatory Don't Quote status as I will chill and delete this later.

*shrug* If it's not your kid, why do you care?

 

They are supposedly adults and if they have a genuine problem with their parents, then it's up to them to put on their big kid panties and confront mom and dad themselves.

 

If they can't or won't, then maybe they aren't as mature and ready to make all their decisions as you think they are.

 

And also, how parents or grown kids appear to other parents is often not exactly how things really are either.

[StephanieZ]

Not normal.

 

I'm a pretty OCD parent, as I'm sure many of us here are, but once they are adults (and leading up to it for a year or two making calls that will impact their adult future such as choosing colleges, etc), my role shifts to advisor-in-chief. I cajole, I encourage, I nag, I even harangue, but I don't make the big decisions. Those are on them. This is their life, and they need to make the big decisions. I hope they respect my input (and so far, so good), but I don't even WANT responsibility for choosing their major, college, spouse, etc. I barely can handle my own adult responsibilities, the last thing I want is to take over theirs! 

 

I can decide how much money/etc I am willing to invest in their choices, of course, but I don't blackmail or insist on my-way. That's totally not cool. Instead, I respectfully explain my priorities/budget/etc, leaving as much flexibility as possible to allow them to chart their future. 

[mommyoffive]

Not something that I plan on doing.   

 

If I am not footing the bill I would advise but that is it.  And probably only if asked.  

 

Now if I am footing the bill or they are in my home, I feel like I get more of a say.

[Zinnia]

I think that I will be an advisor type.  But I'm not there yet.  :)

 

My own parents were very, very hands off by 18.  Partly in respect for us being adults, partly because of personal things in their own lives.  My dh's parents were similar.

 

We made horrid decisions along the way.  To the likes of being $200,000 in debt between the two of us when we got married at 26 and 29.  We owned new cars.  We had school loans.  I did not work during grad school.

 

I really, really wish that that "advisor" role had been more pushy and told us some of the fallbacks of our plan.  I wish that we had had heavier financial advice.  Meddling, whatever.  It would have saved us a lot of angst over the years.  That is a mighty big hole to start married life with.

[Pawz4me]

I think it's not normal, but . . . I realize a lot comes down to family culture. It's certainly not normal for our family.

 

Oldest DS is almost 21 and so in all legal respects will be a fully official adult in a few weeks. We're still footing all his bills within reason (i.e., if you need jeans we'll cover the cost of Levi's or something similar--if you want designer then you pay the difference) and we will continue to support him fully until he's done with his undergrad degree. But we still minimize our input and even mind our own business on some things.

[QueenCat]

More advisor role but if it's my money, I get more input. IF I saw that they were about to do something that will cause irreparable harm (like jail or something), and I had the power to stop it, I would... but for the most part, they need to be making more decisions and determining where life will lead them.

[chiguirre]

What does it mean to be disowned if mommy and daddy aren't footing the bill?

[TheReader]

I am something between "mistakes will be made, I limit my input" and "I am there as an advisor."

 

Our oldest as turning 19 in a few weeks, still lives at home and is going to college. But, the choices have been his, every step. We did step in with one school and say, look, you can go there, but we would honestly rather spend more (and we were footing the bill) for you to live on campus vs drive the commute each day, because construction has seriously made the highway dangerous (there were three accidents, 2 fatal, on that stretch of highway just last week). When presented with that, he ended up choosing a different school he could commute to instead. We let him make that choice, but it was also a choice that made sense financially. He will have to transfer, but that was already the plan anyway.

 

But, I am very aware of how my parents did and didn't deal with me, how dh's parents did and didn't, how our parents even still interact with us and let that guide how we interact with our kids as they become adults.

 

But, we start in the teen years, and even younger I guess, with giving them choices in incremental amounts. Choosing clothes, little things like that, but once they hit highschool, letting them start picking their classes, guiding them through things during those teen years so that (hopefully) once they are "adult" age, they have 5 yrs of guided decision making behind them. Then, as adults, if they ask, we are there. We present the options, and if there's something they haven't thought of, offer them that, etc.

 

But, ultimately, from this point forward, they are building their life, so the choices have to be theirs. This is what the past 18 yrs have been about, ya know? In order for them to build their own lives, they have to be the builder. More than that, they have to be the architect, too, not just "build" what we have planned out for them.

 

Now, I haven't yet really been challenged on this, so hopefully I can hold true to this when that time comes. But so far, that is my plan and parenting philosophy.

[BlsdMama]

What does it mean to be disowned if mommy and daddy aren't footing the bill?

 

 

No communication, no involvement with  younger siblings. :( :( :(

[Rachel]

I could say quite a bit on this subject, but it is probably best left for a private message. It isn't always helicopter parenting though. Oh, and you can definitely be disowned even if no financial support was provided.

[Murphy101]

No communication, no involvement with younger siblings. :( :( :(

Not my style but then again, if I felt a grown child was setting a bad example for my younger children or undermining my parenting, then I could see doing that too.

 

It is normal in many cultures where the concept of independence is far less valued than the recognition of expected interdependence within family and the obligations that come with it.

 

Again, why is this your problem? It's sad to many I guess but it's not your problem and this adult should not need you or I to handle their parents for them.

[MaeFlowers]

I don't think it's normal and find it incredibly frustrating because, ultimately, I find it more harmful than helpful.

 

*shrug* If it's not your kid, why do you care?

 

They are supposedly adults and if they have a genuine problem with their parents, then it's up to them to put on their big kid panties and confront mom and dad themselves.

 

If they can't or won't, then maybe they aren't as mature and ready to make all their decisions as you think they are.

 

And also, how parents or grown kids appear to other parents is often not exactly how things really are either.

I tend to agree but there are cultures where it has nothing to do with children's maturity, it's just all they know. Im not necessarily speaking about foreign cultures as I know Americans that live under the same mentality.

[Katy]

If you're footing the bill, you can absolutely put conditions on it.

 

If they're making their own way, you can offer advice, but anything further, such as the threat of being disowned or other forms of emotional blackmail are completely immoral and are probably worse than the mistake you know the kid is making.  Butt out.

 

 

ETA:  the only place I've seen this type of behavior where it didn't involve parents paying for everything was in fundamentalist homes.  But then, they don't encourage college or grad school, and do encourage very young marriage so...  is the family in question immigrants?  I can't imagine others having this sort of culture unless there is something incredibly dysfunctional going on.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Katy

[zoobie]

What does it mean to be disowned if mommy and daddy aren't footing the bill?

 

Well, for DH it meant he was shunned from family gatherings (thus cut off from grandparents and extended family) and unable to talk to his siblings still at home. 

[bolt.]

It's not normal for it to be about "unveiled disowning" (except in cases of ethical disagreement), but many young adults consent to control on the basis of much less significant threats.

 

Most of the college students I work with would regard the mere disapproval of their parents as a catastrophe, and to disappoint them seems inconceivable. This is highly effective well before a parent would need to threaten anything (like a financial cut off or other practical consiquence).

 

There are few exceptions, and those ones view *themselves* differently: with respect to their parents, and in general.

 

They either 'rebelled' and don't have the sensitivity of their peers any more, or they amicably became adults without parental resistance.

 

That last scenario is the least common, and other students seem alarmed that the relationship seems to lack 'caring' because it doesn't have an approval-and-disapproval dynamic. (Expressed as: I "care" what they think; they "care" what I do.)

 

(My sample is Bible college students, so that probably skews things.)

[Lady Florida.]

*shrug* If it's not your kid, why do you care?

 

 

 

 

I can see caring if said adult child is an extended family member or the dear friend of one's own adult children.  You can offer support regardless of which choices the young person makes. If they choose to give in to the parents' demands they might want a stand-in parent figure to lean on. If they choose to let their parents disown them they might want a stand-in parent figure, period.

 

If the OP cares about this young adult for whatever reason, she cares that this person has a difficult choice to make.

 

I am something between "mistakes will be made, I limit my input" and "I am there as an advisor."

 

Our oldest as turning 19 in a few weeks, still lives at home and is going to college. But, the choices have been his, every step.

 

Yes, I would have liked to be able to vote for both of those middle options because I don't think they're mutually exclusive.

 

Ours in 19, at home, and going to college as well. We gave him two choices if he was going to live at home - full-time college or a full-time job. To our relief, he chose college. 

 

Parenting an adult child at home who still depends on you for most of his financial needs, is tricky. Parenting an adult child who doesn't live at home and neither requires nor asks for assistance (financial or other) is not normal IMO. I feel bad for the choice that kid has to make. 

[chiguirre]

No communication, no involvement with  younger siblings. :( :( :(

But that's just cutting off your nose to spite your face. The parents will suffer at least as much as the kid. I could see doing that for someone who is physically violent or bringing drugs into the home, but to do that because you don't like the kid's college choice or major is just crazy.

[Bluegoat]

It isn't my family culture to parent that way, although we're also a family that expresses opinions.

 

There are I think some balancing factors.  I don't really believe in parents controlling adult kids through money for school or living, but when parents are contributing in that way I think it does give them more of a stake.  Adult kids living in a parents home aren't quite the same as roomates negotiating an arrangement.

 

I also think there are other paradigms that can work - cultures where extended families live together  permanently for example tend to operate a little differently and there are real up-sides as well as down-sides to that.  Even then though I think there is a line that can be crossed into manipulation or self-serving control.

[TranquilMind]

It really doesn't matter whether or not you feel like you should control your adult children.

You cannot control your adult children and that is true whether you are footing the bill or not.  You cannot control anyone.

 

 

[zoobie]

But that's just cutting off your nose to spite your face. The parents will suffer at least as much as the kid. I could see doing that for someone who is physically violent or bringing drugs into the home, but to do that because you don't like the kid's college choice or major is just crazy.

 

Exhibiting that level of control and manipulation on others often is a sign of mental illness. Borderline PD for example.

[TranquilMind]

 

And also, how parents or grown kids appear to other parents is often not exactly how things really are either.

 

This is very true. 

[MFG]

No communication, no involvement with younger siblings. :( :( :(

Ultimately that will be effective only as long as younger siblings are willing to play along.

 

ETA the "only" I forgot

Edited September 20, 2016 by MFG

[G5052]

My parents were extremely controlling, my mother in particular. After two years of college, I had enough of that and ended up becoming self-supporting. They continued to claim me as a dependent on their taxes anyway, so I wasn't eligible for need-based financial aid. She also tried to break DH and I up, and tried to get me to cancel the wedding two weeks before. I was in my 30's and living many states away. They tried to sue us multiple times too, and we ended up going no-contact for long periods of time.

 

My sibling accepted the control and is a very damaged individual even though our parents have been gone for years.

 

With that background I'm very careful with my kids. I might point out an area of concern, but I also express my love for them and that I trust that they'll make wise choices.

 

We have families in our church that are over-controlling IMHO even for their young adults that are out of college and live elsewhere. It's very disturbing to me, to say the least.

 

[MaeFlowers]

It really doesn't matter whether or not you feel like you should control your adult children.

 

You cannot control your adult children and that is true whether you are footing the bill or not. You cannot control anyone.

I agree you can't control anyone but, sadly, there are a lot of kids that don't know this. I mean really, at the heart, understand this.

[Lady Florida.]

Not my style but then again, if I felt a grown child was setting a bad example for my younger children or undermining my parenting, then I could see doing that too.

 

 

 

Again, why is this your problem? It's sad to many I guess but it's not your problem and this adult should not need you or I to handle their parents for them.

 

I very often agree with you Murphy (usually by Liking one of your posts), but I disagree this time and think you aren't seeing the OP's point (and oddly I agree with you more often than I do with BlsdMama). 

 

How are any of these, copied from her post, immoral or a bad influence on the younger siblings? I addressed why she might care in a previous post. Maybe it hurts her to see a young adult she cares about going through this emotional turmoil - or as Katy put it - emotional blackmail.

 

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I  tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[Murphy101]

I don't think it's normal and find it incredibly frustrating because, ultimately, I find it more harmful than helpful.

But who cares what you or I think of it? They are grown adults and according to you they should be able to make their own decisions and they are making their own decision by acceoting their parents' direction. Sooo. They should be able to make their own decisions bc they are adults, but if that means they follow their parents dictates - well that's just wrong? That makes no sense at all.

 

I tend to agree but there are cultures where it has nothing to do with children's maturity, it's just all they know. Im not necessarily speaking about foreign cultures as I know Americans that live under the same mentality.

Riiiight. Like "American" is a culture? It isn't. There's all kinds of cultures in America. Just because this is different from your preferred attitude about parenting and being adults doesn't make it wrong or you right. One could just as easily argue you just think your way is better because it's all you know and that's why you think those other parents are wrong. Aside from that, I doubt it is all they know. They are being told to go to college not a hermitage. I doubt they've never met other people who have different outlooks from their parents. I knew several families like this growing up and we all went to public schools. They knew very well that other families didn't share their perspectives and did things very differently. Edited September 20, 2016 by Murphy101

[Lady Florida.]

It really doesn't matter whether or not you feel like you should control your adult children.

 

You cannot control your adult children and that is true whether you are footing the bill or not.  You cannot control anyone.

 

Mark down this day. You and I are in 100% agreement on something. :D

[Bluegoat]

It's not normal for it to be about "unveiled disowning" (except in cases of ethical disagreement), but many young adults consent to control on the basis of much less significant threats.

 

Most of the college students I work with would regard the mere disapproval of their parents as a catastrophe, and to disappoint them seems inconceivable. This is highly effective well before a parent would need to threaten anything (like a financial cut off or other practical consiquence).

 

There are few exceptions, and those ones view *themselves* differently: with respect to their parents, and in general.

 

They either 'rebelled' and don't have the sensitivity of their peers any more, or they amicably became adults without parental resistance.

 

That last scenario is the least common, and other students seem alarmed that the relationship seems to lack 'caring' because it doesn't have an approval-and-disapproval dynamic. (Expressed as: I "care" what they think; they "care" what I do.)

 

(My sample is Bible college students, so that probably skews things.)

 

Although most people I think would also not want an uncaring relationship with parents.

 

But - I think what you've pointed out is interesting - I think maybe kids at the moment are at least as likely to be tied to parents not through the kind of hard control the OP is talking about, but through a kind of soft control, more like a lack of independence.  Whether that is better or worse I am not sure. 

[TranquilMind]

But that's just cutting off your nose to spite your face. The parents will suffer at least as much as the kid. I could see doing that for someone who is physically violent or bringing drugs into the home, but to do that because you don't like the kid's college choice or major is just crazy.

 

This is why this intentionally vague question is really hard to evaluate. 

 

We don't know what the young person is doing and how damaging it is... If he is even doing anything at all.  It could be as mild as the kid deciding he would rather study English than become an engineer, or as serious as the kid has done some major illegal, dangerous, or immoral things.  Or anywhere in between. 

 

So it is really hard to say. 

 

If you haven't been there, it is even harder to say what you might do. 

 

**(Edited to add that she did actually give some more mild examples, now that I read back, like what major and whether military service was acceptable.   I guess I was just thinking of the question in a general way.)

 

 

Edited September 20, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

Mark down this day. You and I are in 100% agreement on something. :D

 

Yeah.  Strange day indeed.  ;)

 

[Murphy101]

It really doesn't matter whether or not you feel like you should control your adult children.

 

You cannot control your adult children and that is true whether you are footing the bill or not. You cannot control anyone.

This is my view. Supposed control is an illusion at best. Whether the child be a child or an adult.

 

Free will is frequently a pita for parenting ime, but maybe my kids are just more .... Ahem... Like me than I'm comfortable with. 😉

[zoobie]

I agree you can't control anyone but, sadly, there are a lot of kids that don't know this. I mean really, at the heart, understand this.

 

Especially if the pattern of behavior is long-standing abuse and manipulation for the child's entire life. It's very hard to break away. We all here spend most of our energy raising our children in a positive manner. Imagine how difficult it would be for a child whose parents have poured all of their energy into making tiny, dependent puppets.

[MaeFlowers]

But who cares what you or I think of it? They are grown adults and according to you they should be able to make their own decisions and they are making their own decision by acceoting their parents' direction. Sooo. They should be able to make their own decisions bc they are adults, but if that means they follow their parents dictates - well that's just wrong? That makes no sense at all.

 

Riiiight. Like "American" is a culture? It isn't. There's all kinds of cultures in America. Just because this is different from your preferred attitude about parenting and being adults doesn't make it wrong or you right. One could just as easily argue you just think your way is better because it's all you know and that's why you think those other parents are wrong. Aside from that, I doubt it is all they know. They are being told to go to college not a hermitage. I doubt they've never met other people who have different outlooks from their parents. I knew several families like this growing up and we all went to public schools. They knew very well that other families didn't share their perspectives and did things very differently.

I gave my opinion because I was asked. IRL, I don't tell people to raise their own kids. I didn't say it was wrong to follow what your parents say. I said it was wrong when it is done because the parents are using manipulation, guilt, threats, etc. I thought that what was we were taking about???

 

And, yes, there is an American culture, IMHO. Specifically, I believe that American culture is more independence minded than many others. That's what I was speaking to.

[Murphy101]

I very often agree with you Murphy (usually by Liking one of your posts), but I disagree this time and think you aren't seeing the OP's point (and oddly I agree with you more often than I do with BlsdMama).

 

How are any of these, copied from her post, immoral or a bad influence on the younger siblings? I addressed why she might care in a previous post. Maybe it hurts her to see a young adult she cares about going through this emotional turmoil - or as Katy put it - emotional blackmail.

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

So much of those things can be about family culture though!

 

To a family where every one has always gone to college, a child deciding on NOT going is often viewed like deciding to have a child out of wedlock in high school. It's an "OMG you are ruining your life" decision. Personally I don't agree with that, but I for sure have met more than one parent who does. Though they don't voice it that way, it's very clear they hold that view. Same goes for choosing a major or getting married before masters. It's viewed as foolish. And in lower income families, it's viewed as perpetuating poverty. They are expected to better their lives because that betters the lives of the entire family in the long run. And there are LOTS of people who are adamently anti-military who would be shocked and horrified if their child enlisted.

 

Do I share any or all of those views? Nope. But I don't think they are as out of the ordinary as people think either. And I'm not going to get upset because some parent is overly concerned with their child being successful and safe. I save my upset for bigger issues.

 

If one of my grown kids formed an attachment to someone dealing with this, my advice to them would be to consider their parents advice and either make the decision to follow it or not, as they are an adult and either way they have the free will to make their own decision.

[Murphy101]

I would agree Americans are more individual independent focused than many other nations.

 

It's highly debatable how good or bad that is.

 

I tend to be very pro individual independent POV.

 

Unless it comes to my family. In which case, I'm a rising tides raise all boats POV. And conversely, if our ship sinks, we are all screwed.

[marbel]

I have only one adult so far.  And he is living at home, going to school part-time and working part-time.  A late bloomer.  So I acknowledge that I don't really know what I'm talking about.  But I voted that I am an advisory only.  Or, will be when my adult-in-legal-terms-only has truly fledged.  Now I'm a little more hands-on.

 

Re: parents choosing/forcing the college major:  That can backfire on the parents.  My dad told me I must major in business.  I didn't want to. I hated it.  I got the first D in my life in the stupid math class I had to take.   But he was paying tuition.  I dropped out after 2 years (when my general ed humanities program - which I loved - was done) and didn't return till I was a working adult going to school at night.  I majored in English and loved it.     I wouldn't say it harmed our relationship overall, but my life would have been a lot easier if he hadn't made that demand on me.  

 

(I'm sure there are majors I would not pay tuition for.  But, I wouldn't make my kid major in something for which they were completely unsuited.)  

[bolt.]

Although most people I think would also not want an uncaring relationship with parents.

 

I agree, but I find it interesting that for the young adults in the situation of 'soft control' the idea of approval is tied really tightly to the idea of care.

 

They don't know how "caring" works in other families without approval/disapproval dynamic. I mean families where there is love, but it isn't expressed by 'the youngers' worrying (caring) about gaining approval, and 'the elders' taking enough interest (caring enough) to form an opinion about dis/approval.

 

This particular 'lack of caring' is not the absence of families actually caring about each other, but sometimes young adults interpret it that way as they observe their peers. There are lots of ways to be caring other than the ones that approval/disapproval focuses on.

 

It's a bit like they want to say, "Your parents aren't all up in your business? Don't they love you? You are comfortable doing things they disapprove of? How appallingly callous!"

Edited September 20, 2016 by bolt.

[myfunnybunch]

Other: Ew. Good golly. They're grown people.

 

I cannot imagine believing I have a right to control any adult ever. Input, gentle advice, maybe even a "Whoa, I can see potential for that to go seriously wrong (but it's still your decision)," sure. But control? Yuck.

[kewb]

I think I am a mish mash of all the roles listed. I don't think I should control my adult children but at the same time I have a strong personality and I probably overstep my bounds with some level of frequency. My chgildren will tell you I give them the opportunity to choose and then when they choose wrong I tell them what to do.  I say I was giving them the opportunity to choose correctly.  They didn't; therefore I intervened.

 

For example, we have a "You will go to college" belief system.  However, we are not going to tell you what your major should be.  Once you have some idea we will suggest schools and try to steer you to the ones we think are the best fit but ultimately they have to decide where they are going.

 

We are probably pushy and overbearing but we want them to be in the best possible place for future success.  I can not imagine a scenario that would make me show one of my children the door.

[shawthorne44]

Before my junior year of college, I spent the summer 'backpacking' around Europe.  Several years I mentioned that to a friend of mine that is quite a bit older and from England.  He said, "I wouldn't have allowed that if I were your parent".   

I was shocked, "Allowed?"    When I told him that I paid for it and everything else in my life, that didn't change his mind.  

[MEmama]

My father told me what I would major in and classes I was not allowed to take.

 

It's little wonder I dropped out and moved across the country.

Edited September 20, 2016 by MEmama

[Pen]

I think it's a cultural thing to a large degree.

 

I've known or known of some families who are very religious who will disown a child if the child marries out of the faith, for example.

 

Tiger moms.

[amsunshine]

I don't have adult children, but I know we will be footing most, if not all of the bills for college outside scholarships.  We won't require certain colleges or majors, but we will steer our dds clear of a dance major (unless it's a double major).  That is, unless they are full scholarship dance students -- that may change our thinking.  We feel that if dds go to college, they should find one where they can dance, but major or double major in something more likely to be worth the expense of their college educations. That's really the only thing I can think of that we, as parents, would be adamant about.  Otherwise, we are here to advise and support when needed.

 

I can't imagine requiring a certain college or a specific major, etc.

[Murphy101]

Idk...

 

I think caring does have some element of wanting approval for everyone though.

 

I've been with my dh for 25 years and I'm very confident of his love and yet at the same time it would give me tremendous pause to think he didn't approve of something I did. I'm not talking about he wished I'd added more seasoning to the dinner. I'm talking genuine disapproval. As in if he came home and said he really didn't think I was making a good decision about something. Sure, I know I can do anything I damn well please regardless. But WHY would I WANT to displease him? I wouldn't. So if it was reasonable, I'd do it (or not) regardless. And of course, this is built on a quarter century of trusting that he and I would be reasonable too.

 

My children know I love them regardless of our disagreements. But of course wanting to make me proud is a factor too. Respecting that as I'm a good deal older than them and have known them their entire lives that I just *might* have some insight worth considering is a factor too.

 

They often don't agree with me. But they usually do value my opinion and give it a lot of weight. And again, that's built on decades of trust building too.

 

And yet what do I hear all the time these days?

 

That I'm too involved. That it's not normal for grown men to call home from college multiple times a week.

 

Um. Yes it is. They call to chat about their day and ask how things are at home, with me and baby, with siblings. They also call their siblings multiple times a week. Some times they ask advice. Sometimes they just want to chat. Sometimes they had a crappy day and want to vent.

 

Basically they call for the same reason my dh or I call each other. Which happens about once a day or more when dh travels.

 

Personally I'm thrilled by this. I've worked my ass off for 25 years to form these relationships and it makes my heart all warm and gooey that when the test comes - they don't live here - these bonds and a desire to maintain them have remained.

 

But I've had other people repeatedly comment that my family and my marriage is not "normal" and is too "involved" with each other.

 

Well thank god?! - is my most diplomatic response. *confused*

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh is almost sixty and his parents were like this.  They do not have good relationships with their adult children.  So I vote that it is nothing new.  I also vote that it is up to the people in the family - both parents and adult children - to set boundaries.  And many times abiding by those boundaries is very difficult because the corrollary to "parents can't control adult kids" is that "adult kids can't control parents".  So setting a boundary may very well mean loss of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. 

[G5052]

Especially if the pattern of behavior is long-standing abuse and manipulation for the child's entire life. It's very hard to break away. We all here spend most of our energy raising our children in a positive manner. Imagine how difficult it would be for a child whose parents have poured all of their energy into making tiny, dependent puppets.

 

This is my concern with the families in our church who are very controlling.

 

I see what the control did to my middle-aged sibling. They have had a very hard time with relationships and approach many things in life with a destructive passive-aggressive attitude. Having a healthy relationship with them is an exercise in futility. I call a few times a year, and that's it.

 

When Mom died, I cried at the graveside because it was so final. But that really was all that I grieved. She was a violent, controlling individual, and my father let it happen. I moved on from there.

 

My sibling to this day rarely admits anything negative about her, and I believe is still deeply grieving five years later.

 

It's sad!

[Crimson Wife]

You're an adult. You can make your own choices but don't expect me to subsidize them if I think they are bad ones. Helping to pay for post-high school education is NOT my obligation. Rather, it is a gift and I can choose to attach strings to that such as only paying for certain schools and/or majors. Don't like the strings? Figure out how to pay for it yourself because again, you're an adult.

 

I don't believe in "shunning" except in extreme cases. None of the things listed in the OP would remotely come close to qualifying.