Do ya'all honestly feel you should *control* your adult children?

[kewb]

My 18 year old college freshman just told me he quit the swim team two weeks ago but was afraid to tell me because he thought I would be disappointed.  Which I am.  But I told him it is his life and his decision to make.  I reiterated why his father and I thought it would be good for him to be part of it but if truly felt that he was having a difficult time adjusting to college life and that the swim team was taking too much time that only he could make that call.  And that he shoulodn't be afraid to tell us stuff because he thinks we will be disappointed or angry.

[RioSamba]

Congratulations on your precious grandbaby!

 

The other parents sound very legalistic and shaming; I doubt that you will be able to convince them of anything. I would just pray for God to soften their hearts.

 

DD and soon to be DSIL are beginning a new family. I would be pouring love and grace into them. Their plans sound perfectly reasonable, so I would be supportive in whatever way I could.

[lynn]

Now that I took time to read responses

. I can see where you are coming from. I don't get it either. Sometimes life does not go as planned and you have to regroup accept the changes. And take a different path or as a parent of young adults be there to listen and guide as needed.

Edited September 20, 2016 by lynn

[Rachel]

Mama, I am sorry. As a Christian I understand how this has likely rocked your world. When my brother was expecting a child outside of marriage, it was tough! It was something our whole family struggled to deal with. Looking back I can see how we could have handled things better. Hopefully if I am someday in a similar situation with my own children I will handle it with grace.

 

Those in the church can be quite judgemental until they have been through something similar. Pray for his parents. That grand baby is a blessing, congratulations! I know it isn't how you would have chosen for your daughter to have her first child, but don't forget to celebrate with her.

 

For what it's worth, I know a young couple at my church who were in a similar situation. They married and have a beautiful family and are some of the strongest Christians I know. They have great kids and although their marriage and family started sooner than they would have liked, 10ish years later they are doing well.

[zimom]

nm

 

(sorry, had not read all the posts)

Edited September 21, 2016 by zimom

[MaeFlowers]

I don't have any advice but I'm sorry that you're family is going through this. I hope that the counselor will be able to help work things out between you future SIL and his parents.

 

It does sound like a difficult situation but, like others said, I think you're handling it better than you think.

[Retired]

I was married at 20 and have never taken a time or advise form parents since I was 18.   My sons have a real relationship with me.  We talk about everything.  They know my opinion on everything LOL.  I told them a long time ago I've raised you with my ideals.   I trust you to make the best choices  for your life.  I may not agree with them but I'm here to listen.  I only offer advise when the ask.  AND yes they do ask cause they value my opinion.  I started treating them like individual young adults  in high school  I knew from having my way or the highway parents that was the way to loose your children.  My sibling and I all of us in our 40's really still don't like or have relationship with our parents.  I take care of them but they were so dogmatic about their Christian ways they couldn't see the forest for the trees. 

 

I didn't' make my kids do things my way.  I know from experience the best lesson learn are from mistakes. 

 

I would love to keep the pain of life from them but that doesn't help them grow to be full responsible self sufficient men.

 

The funny thing is they come and tell me all the time "mom you were right"    But they had to figure it our for themselves. 

[poppy]

I haven't read the thread because I don't wanna get mad but this is a hot button for me. If you're raised your adult to believe she has to obey you , you've done something wrong.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BlsdMama]

:iagree: Honestly, I wouldn't get too upset about the other family's opinions and rantings right now.  They are in shock.  THEY aren't handling it well and that shows in different ways for different families.  There is a good chance things will settle down and all will be well in time.  The thing is the young man IS an adult and he needs to show his commitment and responsibility level now.  It would be nice if his family were supportive and they may be in time, but that shouldn't be the primary concern.  This is a time to support your own child the best way you know how and don't get too invested in things you cannot control. 

 

 

This is REALLY what I'm hoping - just shock, right? Wouldn't that be awesome.

 

He isn't having a problem standing up to them... Actually, a while back we were on the fence about how thrilled we were about them getting married when Ana first said it several months ago and, if nothing else, this whole scenario has actually made him shine.  He's a stronger fellow than I realized.  Truly.  I can't help but think if he was my kid I'd be so stinking proud of him this year and I'm absolutely flummoxed.  As a Christian, I totally get the sin/fornication part.  But he has absolutely NAILED the adulting part - holding down a job, getting solid grades, no partying, good decisions at every turn.  So now I guess we keep him. ;)

 

As to the military - we're supportive as a means to an end.  We did four years in the Army and I think it was one of our best decisions ever.  If they opted not to do that and just go to school and work like crazy, we'd support that decision too.  In the end it isn't us who has to sign those papers, serve that time, or work forty hours while going to school and raising a baby.  It can be done either way.  I just hate to see all of this cost him so much.  His sibs are pretty important to him, especially the little brothers.  It makes me sad that something like this could cost him so much when he's really just working so hard to do the right thing. :(

 

I just needed perspective - like maybe we're the ones that need to tweak where our heads are?  I was 19 when I had DD.  We got married when she was three months old.  We did the work/school thing.  Then we did the military thing.  I'm biased.  It really worked out good for us, kwim?  So I guess I can see the rainbow but I wasn't sure if I was being stupidly optimistic?  I can be that way sometime.  I think it's why we have a dozen kids?  I can do this? Sure I can! LOL.

[Murphy101]

This is REALLY what I'm hoping - just shock, right? Wouldn't that be awesome.

 

He isn't having a problem standing up to them... Actually, a while back we were on the fence about how thrilled we were about them getting married when Ana first said it several months ago and, if nothing else, this whole scenario has actually made him shine. He's a stronger fellow than I realized. Truly. I can't help but think if he was my kid I'd be so stinking proud of him this year and I'm absolutely flummoxed. As a Christian, I totally get the sin/fornication part. But he has absolutely NAILED the adulting part - holding down a job, getting solid grades, no partying, good decisions at every turn. So now I guess we keep him. ;)

 

As to the military - we're supportive as a means to an end. We did four years in the Army and I think it was one of our best decisions ever. If they opted not to do that and just go to school and work like crazy, we'd support that decision too. In the end it isn't us who has to sign those papers, serve that time, or work forty hours while going to school and raising a baby. It can be done either way. I just hate to see all of this cost him so much. His sibs are pretty important to him, especially the little brothers. It makes me sad that something like this could cost him so much when he's really just working so hard to do the right thing. :(

 

I just needed perspective - like maybe we're the ones that need to tweak where our heads are? I was 19 when I had DD. We got married when she was three months old. We did the work/school thing. Then we did the military thing. I'm biased. It really worked out good for us, kwim? So I guess I can see the rainbow but I wasn't sure if I was being stupidly optimistic? I can be that way sometime. I think it's why we have a dozen kids? I can do this? Sure I can! LOL.

Does he have a large family? Do they have a similar background of young parenting and or military?

 

If not, then sure it could just be your bias giving the rosy outlook.

 

Or maybe they do have a similar background but not a happy a memory of how it worked out.

 

Dh is an only child. Though his parents married young and had him young and his dad was briefly in the military due to draft and they were fairly well off - they still deeply regretted doing that and were horrified that he would not only choose to marry young but then have more than one kid. I'm guess they spend a lot of time wondering where they went wrong with him. Lol

 

Though most of my FOO was in the military, it's not a life I would choose for my kids. Not that I get to, but it's not something I would want them to do because of financial desperation.

 

If your kid is doing pretty much what you and your husband did and think worked well for you - then of course you are going to be much more in your comfort zone than his parents.

[Carrie12345]

I have an 18yo. I'm just an advisor.

 

I have 13 and 14yos. I'm transitioning from control to advice. 18 is too late, imo.

 

I've been young and "knocked up". I'm glad I was raised to believe in my ability to handle my adult decisions. And I believe in my kids' ability, too.

[Donna]

I started to vote but then decided I am somewhere in-between #2 and #3. I feel my adult children should be able to make their own choices and their own mistakes (and they have made plenty). We have a good relationship with both our adult sons and they discuss everything with us and often ask my and my husband's opinions. We provide our opinions without expecting them to make the choice we suggest. We also began to give them control over their decisions much younger...slowly teaching them how to make decisions by weighing pros and cons on smaller decisions and allowing them more and more control over time. They have not always chosen how we would wish but they are living their own lives.

 

My own parents do not speak to us and haven't for the last four years because I did not make decisions they wanted me to make. I would never do that to my own children.

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by Cathi

[LucyStoner]

Is this the natural extension of helicopter parenting?!

 

I consider myself a careful parent.  I consider myself an intentional parent.  What I don't understand is, if you aren't footing the bill, and your child doesn't live at home, why a parent thinks they must control all things for their adult children.  Now, input - input I understand.  Advising?  SURE!  Tell what, who, when, how, and when, as a determination rather than a conversation?  Seriously?

 

 

When I was 19 I was married. I had a child.  We supported ourselves.  Where we went to school, where we lived, where we went...  My parents could give advice, but generally speaking, I was "allowed" to have my own life.

 

I do NOT understand:

 

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I  tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

 

All under the threat (unveiled) of being disowned.

 

This isn't normal, right?  I get that my parents just essentially said, "You're 18.  Good-bye.  Visit soon.  You were a royal pain in high school so FLY little bird and we look forward to seeing you every few weeks."  

 

 

VENTING today.  Probably JAWM.  Need. More. Coffee.

 

Mandatory Don't Quote status as I will chill and delete this later. 

 

 

I moved in to my own apartment when I was 17 (very near to 18) and I haven't looked back.  While both of my parents have for a time lived with us due their own health and poverty factors, I never "moved back home."

 

I was taking care of my younger sibling at 18 while working 2+ jobs and going to college FT.  

I was married at 21 and a mom just a month shy of my 23rd birthday.  

 

In case there is any doubt, no I absolutely was not under my parent's control at 18-21 and I absolutely would not expect to be in control of my sons at that age.  I reckon they may live with us longer than I lived with my parents but I still wouldn't use that as a means to try and bend them to my will.  I think that's ridiculous at the very best.  

[Lady Florida.]

I'm not quoting per your request.

 

:grouphug:  Hugs to you and to your whole family.  :grouphug:  Of course you wish they had made a different choice but the fact is they didn't. You have to move forward because you can't change the past. It seems his family is unable or unwilling to do that. I'm glad for them that they have you and your dh to lean on. You can't make his parents think or act the way you want them to so you can only hope they'll calm down and see things differently soon. In the meantime good for you for welcoming him into your family.

 

And congrats on the grandbaby! Regardless of whether they're planned or a surprise, they're still precious. 

[Farrar]

I haven't read every response, but I feel like the poll responses are obscuring some of the issues coming up in the discussion. This is so culture-dependent, but I don't think most 18-22ish yos are totally financially self-sufficient and nor have they been in some socio-economic brackets for a long time. I certainly wasn't. Nor were any of my friends. Everyone I knew either got free housing, at least for part of the year, or at least part of their tuition paid, or some other something, like car or car insurance, or health insurance payments all taken care of by their parents. Or just generous "Christmas" and "Birthday" money given to them that was really "pay the rent/groceries" money. There have been conversations about this a lot here so I know expectations are pretty different, but some degree of this was pretty universal among my peer group in my college age years and I would say it's nearly universal among upper middle class families to provide some level of this type of support (exceptions being, you know, exceptions).

 

Should there be strings with that money? I mean, I've seen dysfunctional relationships and self-destructive behaviors, so I absolutely think that sometimes you have to have boundaries. And paying tuition over and over when a kid doesn't study or finish classes... well, clearly not okay. And if someone's behavior in the house disrupts the house, that's not okay either, no matter how old they are.

 

But a lot of people seem to think it should have strings that aren't just the ones in the OP - like saying what college, what major, etc., - but also who dc can date, if they can date, what their curfew is, where they can go on their own time, who they're allowed to associate with, which part-time jobs they can apply for, if they can drink socially once they're of age, etc. etc. It's a LOT of control. And, yeah, I get that there's money, but is the money just a method of control or is it to help a young person launch? Is that okay? Is that a basis for a relationship? It just feels so short-sighted. If you tell a child constantly "don't date that guy, don't be friends with that girl, don't eat that food" or I'll stop paying tuition, that's just not age appropriate parenting. And it's going to ruin the relationship long term in most cases.

 

[Joules]

But... Gently treading here....That makes no sense? According to you neither you nor the other parents should be having any say in this. So it isn't your problem unless you insist on making it your problem. In which case, you become just another version of the same problem you are venting about?

 

I don't know where the OP is coming from, but I can give you a story that might engender those feelings.  A female college student had a boyfriend and they were going through some rough times.  The girl's parents were being incredibly supportive of both her and the boy (knowing he was likely their future SIL.) They gave advice, but knew the decisions were of these young adults.  The young man's parents gave demands and threatened to disown him if he didn't do what they said.  It broke the young man's heart and the mother of the young girl cared deeply for him and what he was going through.  It wasn't technically the mom's "business," but she cared.  The story ultimately ended with the young couple getting married.  The caring mom in question became his mom for real, as his parents did disown him.  Yes, they had the right to do whatever they wanted, but the caring mom loved the SIL and had a very strong opinion.

 

ETA: Well, that's embarrassing.  I replied without finishing reading the rest of the thread.  I'm leaving my response, since it might help.  His parents never came around, but his wife's family became his family and there was peace with that.  I hope your story ends differently and they come around.  But if not, we all know you have enough love for one more son :-)

Edited September 21, 2016 by Joules

[SereneHome]

I  know that once they are adults, it's their life.

 

I also know for a fact that it will be very very very hard for me to accept any foolish decisions or any decisions that I don't agree with.

 

I don't know how I am going to reconcile the two.

 

It's not the culture thing, or may be it is.  It's not OCD thing or may be it is.  It is definitely the "I want the very best for them" thing.

[BlsdMama]

I don't know where the OP is coming from, but I can give you a story that might engender those feelings.  A female college student had a boyfriend and they were going through some rough times.  The girl's parents were being incredibly supportive of both her and the boy (knowing he was likely their future SIL.) They gave advice, but knew the decisions were of these young adults.  The young man's parents gave demands and threatened to disown him if he didn't do what they said.  It broke the young man's heart and the mother of the young girl cared deeply for him and what he was going through.  It wasn't technically the mom's "business," but she cared.  The story ultimately ended with the young couple getting married.  The caring mom in question became his mom for real, as his parents did disown him.  Yes, they had the right to do whatever they wanted, but the caring mom loved the SIL and had a very strong opinion.

 

ETA: Well, that's embarrassing.  I replied without finishing reading the rest of the thread.  I'm leaving my response, since it might help.  His parents never came around, but his wife's family became his family and there was peace with that.  I hope your story ends differently and they come around.  But if not, we all know you have enough love for one more son :-)

 

 

That was such a sweet & sincere post.  Thank you for that one.

 

 

Thank you everyone who replied.  I was really feeling angry/upset yesterday and I've chilled today.  Now I'm just sad and that's okay too.  Fervently praying they'll come to the meeting on Sunday so that these two can have two families loving on them, supporting them, cheering them on.  

 

It is probably especially hitting home for me because I was an unmarried mama and I still very much remember the stark contrast between various peoples' reactions, kwim?  I sent my aunt a thank you again yesterday.  Her kindness, genuine happiness, loving support was so important to me when I was 18/19 and it affected how I responded because I could remember being her... And telling everyone... And the reactions, kwim?  I just really would like to avoid avoidable stress on them.  They have a lot on their plates right now, a lot of decisions to make and actions to take and I don't think they need to be bound up in an emotional tug of war.

 

Thank you everyone and I appreciate all and any prayers.

[zoobie]

Congratulations on your growing family! I hope the meeting Sunday goes well. :grouphug:

[luuknam]

I do NOT understand:

 

You will go to this college. (Keep in mind, mommy and daddy are not footing the bill at $40k per year, over half of it debt.)

You will major in the major I  tell you.

No, you will NOT even consider marriage until your Masters is complete.

No, you CANNOT go into the military.

 

All under the threat (unveiled) of being disowned.

 

That's too much. That said, I don't think it's unreasonable to be a little controlling if the kid is seriously screwing up. Like tell them they have to go to rehab or be disowned.

 

ETA: I obviously didn't read the thread first. Oh, and I thought disowned meant not inheriting however much cash there might be.

Edited September 21, 2016 by luuknam

[EKS]

I voted "other."

 

In my son's situation (age 20 and supported financially by us), I have some say in how things go, in the sense that I will and will not pay for certain things.

 

For example, I required him to live on campus this year because I'd rather deal with the university than an independent landlord.  I'm paying, my decision.  But he was allowed to decide where on campus he lived.

 

Another example:  I have informed him that I will not pay for him to major in business at the school he's attending now (a somewhat selective and *expensive* science and engineering school).  He can double major or get a minor or whatever in business, but he must major in some sort of science or engineering.  If he wants to major in business, he can attend the state college.

 

I don't meddle anywhere else though...except to tell him that he should get better grades, but that's more of an unsolicited opinion than an edict.

[Bluegoat]

I hope to strike a balance. 

 

My parents were remarkably unhelpful in giving me life advice.  Staggeringly so. 

 

Like when I was 16 they said, "Well...we have a little money.  You can use it to buy a new car or to go to college.  Your choice."  There was no discussion of the ramifications of either choice.

 

I chose the car.

 

OMG.  I never went to college.  

 

OMG.  That ranks up with the top 3 biggest regrets of my life.  

 

So, I don't plan on disowning my kids if they don't do as I say, but I 100% will be giving out advice.  And some of it may even be very strongly worded if it's something as foolish as choosing a car over an education.  

 

It also depends on the kids.  Some are very independent at 19 and some are very immature and need guidance.

 

It could be worse, I just recently heard of a young person that decided to use her college money for a nose job.

[Bluegoat]

No, I told my mil that when I was 21. I wasn't particuliarly confident in myself so much as confident I knew my parents better than my mil.😋

 

The bottom line here is they don't think he is making good decisions. And that's okay. What they think matters less than what he thinks and what his future wife/mother of his child thinks. And it sounds like he has the good sense to recognize that priority shift and place it accordingly in his decision making. That's wonderful. I think they understand support is important. That's why they have withheld it - they do not want to support this situation or these decisions. And that's okay. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you are going to do or how you are going to support them. Let him deal with his parents without comment from you. He gives every indication of doing so just fine IMO from what you've said.

 

I'm not sure why everyone needs to go to counseling. Or why the parents of the adult couple would be included. That seems weird to me because these two people need to make their own decision and to ME the first rule of marriage is to put each other first, which means parents don't get a vote. So there would be no purpose to including them in the couple/marriage counseling to me.( ETA: I don't really care actually if the parents go. I just think it's odd. 🙂)

 

I do not think it is ok that they are withholding support over this.  If he wanted to run off and join the forign legion to avoid being a father, that might be a good reason to not support him.  If they think they can offer advice, by all means.

 

But cutting him off based on the kinds of things that are being considered, in order to get him to do something else?  Those are things that might not be the parent's choices but are well within what is the prerogative of the individual.

 

THat is trying to control in an imappropriate and unjustified way, and I'd be upset about it if it was my dd's future in-laws as well.

[Pen]

What do the young man's parents actually want to have happen? An abortion? That their son should stay single or marry someone else?

 

Essentially one way or another it sounds like they want him to disown his child and his child's mother--or else they will disown him?  If so, WHY?  Did they never want him to marry your dd and were hoping in time it would fall apart on its own?  Do they need the son to take care of them (physically or emotionally)?  

[Pen]

BTW, I am glad you are all trying to go to counseling together. I've not heard before of counseling with both sets of in-laws involved, but it sound like it could be a big help if it works. And at least an attempt will have been made even if it does not.

[LucyStoner]

Of course the OP has a stake in this. What the boy's parents are demanding and trying to use emotional extortion to get (no marriage until after grad school, must do this major, must not go military) is more or less them trying to insist that their son abandon his fiancé and unborn child. That's an emotional issue and since she is the mom of the mom-to-be I totally see why this is a sensitive topic for the OP.

 

The baby's coming regardless of what his parents wanted and he's stepping up for his future wife and child and not abandoning his very real responsibilities to his unborn child. I'm not saying marriage is necessary when there is an unplanned pregnancy but if the couple wants to be a family and is emotionally stable, it has serious benefits for all of them, especially their child. Even if he didn't want to get married, he has responsibilities now to that child which he's not going to be able meet if he's not working. Where he works is his business, not theirs.

 

I commend the young man. Banning him from seeing his siblings is a low, petty and mean act on the part of his parents. They need adulting lessons from their son IMO.

Edited September 21, 2016 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

I do not think it is ok that they are withholding support over this. If he wanted to run off and join the forign legion to avoid being a father, that might be a good reason to not support him. If they think they can offer advice, by all means.

 

But cutting him off based on the kinds of things that are being considered, in order to get him to do something else? Those are things that might not be the parent's choices but are well within what is the prerogative of the individual.

 

THat is trying to control in an imappropriate and unjustified way, and I'd be upset about it if it was my dd's future in-laws as well.

It doesn't sound like his parents are supporting him at all. They are threatening estrangement and emotional extortion (not being able to see his siblings). Not financial support.

[MerryAtHope]

If the parents aren't paying, what's left with regard to "disowning"--not speaking to them? No inheritance (if there is one)? 

 

It seems pretty bizarre. 

[LucyStoner]

My FIL tried to use his money to gain cooperation from my husband in his college plans and his major. My husband told him to keep his money, got a job and went on with his own life and educational plans.

 

During the last years of his life my FIL didn't approve of:

 

My husband's major

My husband's girlfriend (me!)

The neighborhood we chose to live in.

My husband getting married.

 

He refused to attend our wedding because my MIL would be there. He met our older son just 1x.

 

Then before they had a chance to reconcile, my FIL was dead without warning before he hit 60.

 

Only very foolish parents go to their grave not knowing their adult children and grandchild because they are stubborn, bitter ninnies.

 

NOW they think they have all the time in the world to reconnect later. But no one knows that for certain. It's a fool's game. I hope they wisen up.

 

The irony was that in his last year he was apparently bragging to the people he did see about how proud he was that his younger so didn't take crap, made his own way, was his own man and what a wonderful grandson he had blah blah blah. But we'd go to visit other relatives there and he wouldn't see us out of pride. He never told any of that stuff about being proud of his son to whom it would have mattered the most- my husband.

Edited September 22, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Valley Girl]

 He never told any of that stuff about being proud of his son to whom it would have mattered the most- my husband.

 

That is so sad. What a waste. So many lost years. I feel bad for your husband--or anyone in that situation.

[Bluegoat]

It doesn't sound like his parents are supporting him at all. They are threatening estrangement and emotional extortion (not being able to see his siblings). Not financial support.

 

yes, that's what I understood - I think it's kind of bizarre.

[LucyStoner]

It's possible they are just in some degree of shock. Hopefully they will get it together and do the right thing sooner rather than later.

Edited September 22, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Katy]

Wow.  The young man sounds incredibly responsible and good.

 

Congratulations on the baby!  Please make sure you tell the couple congratulations too. Baby's existence should be celebrated no matter what.

 

My main thought is that for most (normal, healthy) people, all shock will fall away once grandchild is born and they'll start to act much more civil.

 

However in some families (IME, where there is an element of fundamentalism without grace, strange cults like Gothard, or personality disorders like narcissism), families never want to let go of control.  In that case, escaping his parents by being cut off might not only be the very best thing emotionally, it might be the best thing for his siblings too.  They'll see an example of someone who wasn't willing to go down that rabbit hole of abuse.

 

As an aside about family control, I recently spent a day reading blogs of crazy patriarchal fundies who argue that not only should children marry young (child brides), in arranged marriages, but that the father of the family should make a family plan for the next 200 years, and as in the ancient Old Testament days, all decedents should submit to them and to their family plans even after they die.

[MistyMountain]

I do not have adult children but I would hope I can have an advisory role when the time comes. I may give them advice on majors that you cannot make a good living off of but I would never cut them out of my life for choosing differently. I could have used more direction with that when I was choosing about what to do after high school so I can see having discussions and talking about how many jobs are in given fields and what the pay is and stuff like that. My ds is young but is already talking about a future career choice that is very different then I would want. They are there own people and by adulthood you want them to be able to function as an adult and make their own decisions. When it comes to dangerous situations or really bad situations that put them at risk that is different.

 

I am sorry that you have to watch that happen to someone who will be family soon. I hope his parents come around and accept that he is making his own decisions and taking responsibility even if he is making different decisions then they feel is best. He sounds like a really great guy.