WWYD??

[HSmomof2]

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[FriedClams]

I would absolutely tell the parents. I'd explain to son why, which he may or may not agree with. He's young, but I expect he already knows you'll tell.

 

And, huge props to your son. What a great show of maturity. He stood up to them there, and told you, even when he knew he might get in trouble. Go son!!!! Great job!!!

[El...]

I have no idea whether you should tell the parents, but I just want to say, "Great job!" to your son for walking away.  I'd want to make sure he recognizes that he did the right thing, in spite of peer pressure.  I'd want him to internalize that feeling.  I'd take that kid out for ice cream.  (That's my answer for pretty much every milestone, but seriously, he did great.)

[JustEm]

That is tough because it is likely that he will be ostracized. I would ignore the video game use entirely. He picked the correct battle to take a stand on that night if he left the room and I'd emphasize that a lot and downplay the playing a forbidden game.

 

As for telling other parents, I don't know. It may be better for your relationship with him if you don't say anything to other parents . The next time something like this happens he may not confide in you if you talk to parents without his permission. Maybe talk to him periodically for the next week or so about why talking about it is important for the safety of the other kids and sometimes doing the right thing stinks. But ultimately leave it up to him.

 

Says a parent of young kids but as a teen I would have completely stopped confiding in my mom if I found out she did something like that without my permission.

[Nan in Mass]

I wouldn,t if I wanted my son to continue to tell me things. It is a pretty selfish approach, I admit, but I put my own sons' welfare above others and that meant treating my sons' confidences as confidential and not sharing them with other parents, even when I knew that as a parent, I would want to be told. It was hard being so passive but it meant that I got to discuss things with my sons if need be. Often, I was listened. Good for your son for leaving a situation that made him uncomfortable.

 

Nan

[SereneHome]

Why would you even think of saying anything??

 

Your son behaved the way you would have wanted him to.  The other kids weren't doing anything dangerous to themselves or anyone else.  Your morals might not be the other parents' morals and even if they are - again, it wasn't a safety issue or health issue.  

 

And let's play this out - even if the other kids don't find out it was your son who said anything.  You tell their parents.  Boys might or might not get in trouble.  There is about 99.999999% chance they will continue to do it after the punishment is over.  Not really causing any physical harm to themselves or others.  So what would be the point?

 

I must be missing something here.....

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[HSmomof2]

 

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[mamiof5]

Kudos to your son for walking away from porn situation, and for being honest about inappropriate video game.

 

I'd explain to ds that the parents of the boy were the sleepover was held need to know. I'd request them to keep it anonymous.

 

I'd definitely tell the parents who hosted sleepover, and let them deal with it.

[EmseB]

If it were another context besides youth group I probably wouldn't tell. But if you know the parents well and have similar beliefs about p*rn, I'd probably say something. As a Christian, I'd want to know if/when my son was exposed to that sort of thing so we (he and his dad most likely) could talk about it. As a parent, I would want to know. It would be other friends from church that I'd expect to be helping me keep my kids safe in this regard. That's the one place I'd expect openness and honesty without harshness.

 

It must be so encouraging to knew that he walked away.

[goldberry]

I would absolutely say something if I cared anything about these other kids.

[goldberry]

 

And let's play this out - even if the other kids don't find out it was your son who said anything.  You tell their parents.  Boys might or might not get in trouble.  There is about 99.999999% chance they will continue to do it after the punishment is over.  Not really causing any physical harm to themselves or others.  So what would be the point?

 

 

 

Porn may not cause physical harm, but many of us believe it can cause a great deal of emotional harm and harm to future sexual relationships.

 

Also, that's a huge assumption about the percentage chance they will continue to do it.  You really think that everyone who looks at porn just continues to no matter what?  So parental intervention is just what, useless?  Sorry, don't agree.

[PrincessMommy]

I would tell the parents who hosted because not everyone thinks that young teens viewing porn is "harmless"  Some of us think it is very detrimental to how they view real women's bodies and sex.... but I digress...

 

I would tell because, as a parent, I would want to know.   But, I would definitely discuss it with son beforehand because, as others have said, you want to continue that trust with him.   You're son and his friend definitely gets high-fives for sticking up to bullies.

Edited July 26, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[Farrar]

I'm confused if it was a youth group thing? If it was, I'd definitely say something.

 

I'd be torn about telling if it's just a party. I don't think there's a right or wrong. If I was good friends with the parents, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself, honestly.

[HSmomof2]

I'm confused if it was a youth group thing? If it was, I'd definitely say something.

 

I'd be torn about telling if it's just a party. I don't think there's a right or wrong. If I was good friends with the parents, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself, honestly.

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[HSmomof2]

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[Starr]

Often times talking with other parents goes nowhere fun... but if you have close friends that's another story. You don't have to have a sleep over for these things to happen. It will probably happen again. Maybe your son would agree with talking to your friends.  :grouphug:

[SereneHome]

Porn may not cause physical harm, but many of us believe it can cause a great deal of emotional harm and harm to future sexual relationships.

 

Also, that's a huge assumption about the percentage chance they will continue to do it.  You really think that everyone who looks at porn just continues to no matter what?  So parental intervention is just what, useless?  Sorry, don't agree.

 

No, not "no matter what", that's why I didn't say 100%.  Sure, if the parents will sit down and talk to them and explain their view in terms of concern for their well being and  potential harm, maaay be, they will stop.

 

Otherwise?  No, I don't think so.  12-13 boys who are doing an activity that their parents disapprove won't suddenly stop simply bc the were punished.  They might learn to hide it better....

 

 

 

[SereneHome]

I would tell the parents who hosted because not everyone thinks that young teens viewing porn is "harmless"  Some of us think it is very detrimental to how they view real women's bodies and sex.... but I digress...

 

I would tell because, as a parent, I would want to know.   But, I would definitely discuss it with son beforehand because, as others have said, you want to continue that trust with him.   You're son and his friend definitely gets high-fives for sticking up to bullies.

 

That I actually agree with.  Yes, I would talk to the host parents bc they should be aware of what activities are happening under their roof.

 

Also, when I said harmless, I meant not harmless in the immediate sense.  Not like  drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. where a child can actually end up sick or worse.

[HSmomof2]

That I actually agree with. Yes, I would talk to the host parents bc they should be aware of what activities are happening under their roof.

 

Also, when I said harmless, I meant not harmless in the immediate sense. Not like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. where a child can actually end up sick or worse.

 

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[SereneHome]

Sorry, I should have clarified---I meant telling the hosting parents. Not all the parents. And yes, things like alcohol, drugs, etc wouldn't even be a question about telling.

 

Your son sounds very mature - I hope you both can figure out a good way out of this situation.

 

Good job mama on raising a child who doesn't follow peer pressure and is so open and honest with you!

[kiwik]

I don't know. As a parent I would want to know but I don't think I would betray my son's confidence. Could you leave it a while then just casually raise unsupervised internet and see what they say? It all hinges on whether they knew or not.

[HSmomof2]

Your son sounds very mature - I hope you both can figure out a good way out of this situation.

 

Good job mama on raising a child who doesn't follow peer pressure and is so open and honest with you!

Thanks.....I hope he stays this way....we're just starting the teen years, so I know harder things will come. Dh and I didn't grow up in healthy homes, and participated in many teen shenanigans ourselves. I would have never told my parents about things that went on at a party. We are trying to encourage an open relationship with dc, share our faith and values, give them honest information about situations they may face, and hope and pray they'll always feel they can come to us.

 

I don't want the boys to be punished.....I think the parents should consider more internet supervision and a discussion with their son about p*rn and its potential consequences.

[HSmomof2]

I don't know. As a parent I would want to know but I don't think I would betray my son's confidence. Could you leave it a while then just casually raise unsupervised internet and see what they say? It all hinges on whether they knew or not.

I agree....I'm not going to do anything hastily.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Could you encourage your son to encourage host boy to tell his parents?  

[kewb]

Unless I was close friends with the parents I wouldn't say anything. Ds was exposed to porn around 13 at a friend's house. I thanked ds for telling me about it and we had a discussion on porn.

 

I also wouldn't be 100% confident it was the other boys who exposed him to porn. Saying it was the others who you don't know is safer then saying youth group johnny showed me porn.

Edited July 26, 2016 by kewb

[Valley Girl]

That's a tough one. In this case I would privately confide in the host family, but I would caution them that DS was deeply afraid of being ostracized as a result. I would ask that they approach the subject (if they opted to address it directly rather than just ramping up monitoring) in such a way that it wasn't clear where the information came from.

[bettyandbob]

I probably wouldn't say anything, unless I was really close with the host family.

 

I'd be very happy ds told me. It sounds like he handled it well. What's been described is not something that rises to level for which I'd risk damaging my ds's trust in me. At 12 you've got several years ahead, you want him to still feel like he can talk to you.

[Little Nyssa]

I would absolutely tell the host parents, the parents who are your friends, and the pastor. It would not even occur to me not to.

[magnificent_baby]

Yes, I would absolutely tell the parents and I wouldn't think twice about it. If I were in their position, I'd want someone to tell me. I would also be upset if other parents had known and not told me if this occurred in my own house. 

 

Good for your son to do the right thing! 

[lanalouwho]

I would not tell. That would be like punishing your son for doing the right thing.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

[MEmama]

Honestly, at this age no parents are going to be surprised. I hate to say it kinda comes with the territory, but if iPads/phones/computers are allowed to be used unsupervised with a group of young teen boys...it's going to come up eventually. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it and I hope my son would conduct himself like yours did (including the telling), but I don't think it's necessary to overreact.

 

How you handle it is up to your relationship with the hosts and with your son. If you feel it's necessary to let them know, you might give your son fair warning. It doesn't have to be tattling and it doesn't have to be targeted. You might consider letting them know an iPad was in use and it made you uncomfortable, leaving it up to them to determine what it was used for.

 

I'm all for keeping communication open with my son and I'd be extremely reluctant to betray his trust in me. However, if you feel strongly about this (and I would too, even understanding it's somewhat inevitable), you might seek his help in figuring out a compromise that suits you both.

 

Huge kudos to your boy--I agree an ice cream is in order! He should know he handled himself very maturely.

[fairfarmhand]

"Host mama, I heard at the sleepover that an iPad was used in an inappropriate manner. I won't say more because my son trusted me with the details and doesn't want to be ostracized. Is there a way that you can probe your son and try to figure out what happened without me betraying my son's confidence?"

 

If the iPad was on the wireless, one can see a LOT of what happens online by poking around in the router settings. (I think this is what it's called. My dh knows more than I do. ) Perhaps you can suggest to the host mom that she take a peek. Even if she can't find out exactly what was seen through looking at the router, if she gives the impression to her son that she's been looking at it, she may end up getting a confession.

[Spryte]

"Host mama, I heard at the sleepover that an iPad was used in an inappropriate manner. I won't say more because my son trusted me with the details and doesn't want to be ostracized. Is there a way that you can probe your son and try to figure out what happened without me betraying my son's confidence?"

 

If the iPad was on the wireless, one can see a LOT of what happens online by poking around in the router settings. (I think this is what it's called. My dh knows more than I do. ) Perhaps you can suggest to the host mom that she take a peek. Even if she can't find out exactly what was seen through looking at the router, if she gives the impression to her son that she's been looking at it, she may end up getting a confession.

 

I like this.  

 

I have mixed feelings.  As a parent of one of the other boys, I'd want to know.

 

As the parent of the kid who did the right thing, and talked to me... I'd want to keep his confidence, and not damage our relationship.  I'd want him to trust me, so he'll talk to me in the future.

 

Good job, to the kiddo who did the right thing!

[TranquilMind]

Ds went to a sleepover a week ago with some boys from youth group. Two of the boys there he didn't know....they were classmates of the birthday kid. Ds confessed today that one of the boys had an iPad with Internet access. Two of the boys were looking up p*rn sites and showing them to the rest. Ds says he and his friend told them to stop and went into another room. They were called 'babies' and 'chickens'. After the p*rn was over, they played Xbox games that we don't allow. Ds admits he played Call of Duty for a little while. These boys are 12/13 yrs old. This was ds's first (and possibly last) sleepover. We know the parent's fairly well, and know the other boys well (except the two from school). Would you tell the parents? One of the boys that was there is our pastor's son. Ds doesn't want us to say anything because he'll be ostracized and considered a tattletale. I'm not overly concerned about the video games, but to me, the p*rn is pretty serious stuff for young teen boys.

 

Yep.  Happens every time. Parents need to eliminate internet access for boys that age completely when they aren't present.  Have a shut-off time. 

You should have seen what my kid was exposed to at an even younger age in the locker room. 

 

Heck, yeah, tell the parents.  Some get it right away and have their kid apologize, and some will deny it was their little angel.  Their little angel will say it was actually your kid, even if your kid doesn't own an iPad or access. 

 

BTDT. 

 

ETA:  Just noticed that this was youth group, not a limited thing like a sports team. I think you are in a tough place.  If you keep silent, you just perpetuate this activity under the noses of their blind parents.  If you say anything, they will take it out on your kid.   Whatever you do, I wouldn't send him again.  I would want the parents to know. 

 

Edited July 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[FaithManor]

I wouldn,t if I wanted my son to continue to tell me things. It is a pretty selfish approach, I admit, but I put my own sons' welfare above others and that meant treating my sons' confidences as confidential and not sharing them with other parents, even when I knew that as a parent, I would want to be told. It was hard being so passive but it meant that I got to discuss things with my sons if need be. Often, I was listened. Good for your son for leaving a situation that made him uncomfortable.

 

Nan

This! And I would keep my son away from those two boys.

[Reefgazer]

I would say nothing because what those boys do is their parents' business, not mine.  I would concern myself with the behavior of my own kid only, and personally, I don't get upset at casual peeking of porn or a one-time go at Call of Duty.  Ratting out those kids amounts to an ironclad guarantee that your kid won't be sharing any such confidences in the future, no matter what he tells you to your face.

Edited July 26, 2016 by reefgazer

[foxbridgeacademy]

Someone already said it but if you tell on them it's unlikely your son will come to you in the future and that's the real consequence you want to avoid.  Physically dangerous actions are another matter (this includes explosives, sneaking out at night, drugs, etc) Your kid did the right thing, stood up against the bullying/name calling.  Not your responsibility to police other people's children and they won't likely thank you for it (I know I wouldn't, I prefer my kids tell on themselves).  Your relationship with your son is more important than the other boys being punished (which might not even happen depending on their families values).  My mom took a friend and I shopping when I was 14. She stole a bunch of stuff and gave me a couple things.  My mom found them, she told the other girl's parents who then proceeded to severely punish the friend..... suffice to say the girl never spoke to me again.  It taught me to hide stuff better and my mom to keep it to herself lest it cause another child pain.

[Annie G]

Kudos to your son for being so mature. Good job, mama!  I wouldn't tell....it's such a good way to demonstrate that when your son does the right thing that you respect him.  If you tell, maybe he won't bother to do the right thing next time.  And there's no guarantee that the parents will be receptive. 

 

But I might talk to ds about things he can say to the youth group kids if the topic comes up. It can be hard to stand up to friends, but with some guidance and role playing you might help him be ready if the boys bring it up. For instance, if they start talking about it and he says he's not interested in talking about that trash, and they call him a baby, prepare him with something to say...such as that he doesn't feel porn is a way to demonstrate how mature or masculine he is. Or something along those lines to reflect how he feels. 

 

 

[Alicia64]

Yikes. Thanks for reminding me why we're not doing sleepovers right now.

 

Alley

[Reefgazer]

Yeah, we've never done sleepovers in order to avoid all sorts of issues ( not necessarily this one, but others).

Yikes. Thanks for reminding me why we're not doing sleepovers right now.

 

Alley

[HSmomof2]

At this point, I don't think I'm going to say anything to host parents. Ds did the right thing, overall, in the situation. The boy that brought the iPad isn't someone he'd ever met before, and will likely not see again. Ds won't be going over there again, and he says he doesn't want to. He's really disappointed in how his friend (the birthday kid) acted with his school friends. Aside from the p*rn, I guess this kid really showed his true colors being a real jerk to Ds and the other boys from youth group when they didn't want to go along with what he and the other two were doing. So, he'll see this kid at youth group, but we won't be encouraging a friendship otherwise. And, from what I heard this kid said to Ds and the other youth group boys, I doubt it's likely he wants to be buddies with them. It sounds like he doesn't think they're very cool anymore.

[TranquilMind]

At this point, I don't think I'm going to say anything to host parents. Ds did the right thing, overall, in the situation. The boy that brought the iPad isn't someone he'd ever met before, and will likely not see again. Ds won't be going over there again, and he says he doesn't want to. He's really disappointed in how his friend (the birthday kid) acted with his school friends. Aside from the p*rn, I guess this kid really showed his true colors being a real jerk to Ds and the other boys from youth group when they didn't want to go along with what he and the other two were doing. So, he'll see this kid at youth group, but we won't be encouraging a friendship otherwise. And, from what I heard this kid said to Ds and the other youth group boys, I doubt it's likely he wants to be buddies with them. It sounds like he doesn't think they're very cool anymore.

 

I'm sorry this happened to your son.  Yes, kids can be real jerks sometimes.

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I'm sorry this happened to your son.  Yes, kids can be real jerks sometimes.

yeah. Please make sure that your son knows he did the right thing. And they were jerks not only because they were jerks but because they knew they were not doing the right thing and hoped to drag everyone down to their level.

 

Plus one or two kids doing the right thing makes the others look bad.

[fraidycat]

Your son sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Good for him!

 

As for telling, in my experience, the one positive effect is that comes from it is you learn who your (and your kids) REAL friends are and your friend group shrinks considerably. You learn which parents to trust and are looking out for your kids and which ones are too weak-willed to stand up for them or their own kids when faced with "bad apples" in the group.

[katilac]

That's a tough one. In this case I would privately confide in the host family, but I would caution them that DS was deeply afraid of being ostracized as a result. I would ask that they approach the subject (if they opted to address it directly rather than just ramping up monitoring) in such a way that it wasn't clear where the information came from.

 

I know that the OP has reached a decision, but I still want to say that one should always assume that everyone is going to know who told. It's a virtual certainty, ime. 

 

Even if the adults don't let it slip (and they almost always do), kids have radar for this. They always know. 

[StaceyinLA]

If I was not good friends with the host parents, I would not tell them, and I'd keep my child from attending an overnight function there in the future (depending on who was attending).

 

I likely would tell no one, as I agree with others in that I'd want to maintain the trusting relationship with my son. He did not have to tell you, and the fact that he did speaks volumes about his values, and how he views your relationship. That would be more important to me as he heads into his teen years.

 

Another thing is that he isn't likely to want to have friendships with people treating him that way, so those will probably fizzle, and that's a win/win!

 

Honestly, proud parent moment. I really loved when I had those; it made you realize all the hard work was worth it! :)

Edited July 27, 2016 by StaceyinLA

[kroe1]

Sorry, I did not read the other posts. But, I would tell because many of those sites have viruses and malware. Do not ask me how I know.

[BlsdMama]

The other kids weren't doing anything dangerous to themselves or anyone else.  

 

 

I'd argue that one to the death.

 

Sincerely, 

An adult exposed to a rather lot as a child.......

Edited July 27, 2016 by BlsdMama

[bullseye]

Your son showed a lot of maturity in the way he responded. I'd use it as an opportunity to invite him into your decision making process as an adult. 

 

Explain your dilemma. You won't betray his confidence, but those other parents are your friends, and you're sure they'd be concerned for their sons. If you haven't already, this would be a good time to have a talk about exactly why p*rn is such a dangerous habit - what it does to future relationships, what it does to the women in the industry, etc. I'd capitalize on the moral strength he just showed to get him good and disgusted at the whole business, to make sure he understands *why* he should avoid it, because I imagine it'll only become harder to resist the older he gets. 

 

Then the two of you could brainstorm solutions together. Telling the parents or minding your own business aren't the only two options. What about encouraging him to have a talk with the youth leader? Without naming names, he could express concern that some of his friends are starting to get into p*rn, and maybe it could become a topic at a future meeting. I'd think talking about it in a group setting with an adult other than the parents might be helpful in getting kids to be honest, and unless the entire youth group was at the sleepover, there's a high likelihood that other boys present will be of a like mind with your son.