Dealing with jealousy

[thessa516]

DH is in Europe on a business trip. And I'm not. He was in Vegas earlier this year. I wasn't. He'll be going to Florida later. And I won't.

 

I'm home with the kids. Taking the kids to lessons and practices and ball games and trying to get the youngest two to stop fighting over the same freaking toy for the umpteenth millionth time.

 

I know he's dealing with his own headaches, like his train was delayed. He had to sit an extra hour in a foreign country listening to foreign languages, people-watching, reading books, talking to his colleague, and with nothing to do! Oh, the horror... lol! He has work dinners. European work dinners that take 3 hours in a restaurant while you sip your wine and have adult conversations and the only food you have to cut up is your own and you don't have to clean the kitchen afterwards because you didn't have to make your own food to begin with. And his hotel room is tiny. Clutter-free with fresh sheets and no toys littering the floor and a single bed he has to sleep in by himself without any kids crawling into the bed in the middle of the night, accidentally kicking him, or waking him up with snoring, tiny little hotel room. *sigh*

 

 

I know he misses us dearly. We talk and video chat whenever we can. The kids and I will be overjoyed when he returns home. They'll run and jump in his arms and I'll get teary-eyed with a full heart. We will all make a big fuss over him. And gosh darn it, I want to be missed, too.

 

Traveling with him is not an option. Something about his employers insurance doesn't allow for spouses to stay in the same hotel room. I'd have to get my own flight and hotel room. We don't have the money to do that. Money is tight anyhow, so a little getaway for myself is not possible.

 

I know the grass isn't greener. I know it logically, but my on-going mid-life crisis has manifested itself in extreme wanderlust. I simultaneously feel bitter jealousy for his travels and angry disappointment towards myself with my woe-is-me, pitiful jealous attitude. How do I make peace with it?

 

 

[jewellsmommy]

:grouphug:  Sorry. I don't have much to offer. Can you afford a sitter once a week or trade off with another mom once in awhile? A couple of hours out of the house alone to recharge might help. Have a night a week where you pick up a rotisserie chicken or order a pizza so that you have an easy meal with less dishes? It's not much, I know, but maybe look for little enjoyable moments or just slow down outside expectations for a bit and focus on relaxation at home. Good luck.  :grouphug:

 

 

ETA: I think anyone in your family's situation would have to fight off the jealousy with a big stick.It's not just you!

Edited July 11, 2016 by jewellsmommy

[Mabelen]

I have felt like this at times too, especially when the girls were little, I had no family around, and I was a full time mom. For me, what really helped was going out with friends for lunch or coffee every now and then. It helped that I could do that while the girls were at school and not feel guilty about spending time away from them. It also meant I didn't have to find someone to stay with them while I went out.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

That is a hard position to be in.  Is there anything of interest to you that is happening locally?  Maybe you like books and could join a once a month book club.  Or do very part time volunteer work somewhere with very flexible hours.  Find someone you can hire to babysit at least once month, preferably more often.  

 

Or maybe you could make YOU taking a trip a priority.  Is there a friend you would like to visit that lives out of town?  Or maybe a seminar/conference in an area of interest to you?  Do you like Science Fiction?  Maybe you could look at going to some sort of convention.  There are many.  

 

Or maybe you would like to work on increasing some sort of skill set.  Perhaps there is a 2-3 day training program you could go to.  Don't just dismiss the possibility of you taking your own trip out of hand. There are cheap ways to travel.  Do the research.  For instance,  Landry Academy has training classes for homeschoolers to teach science to their children and they occur all over the States.  They were advertising it as a 3 day event for just $23 and that included hotel room, supplies, teacher's manual, training, t-shirt and ALL MEALS.  I believe the price has now gone up but maybe not by much.  

 

Do the research.  You might find more options than you realize.  If you had that to look forward to, and to plan for, it might help.  And when you returned you would have that to look back on (and you would surely be missed so they would hopefully appreciate you being home).  Find something that matters to you and go do it.  Make it a priority.  Your own mental health is paramount to being an effective parent.

[thessa516]

Oh ladies! Just having someone "hear" me is a balm.  I wish I would have posted sooner.  :grouphug:  

[OneStepAtATime]

Oh ladies! Just having someone "hear" me is a balm.  I wish I would have posted sooner.  :grouphug:  

Huge, huge hugs.  

 

It isn't easy being the parent that stays behind to handle all the day to day grind while the other spouse travels and experiences new things and tries new foods and is really only responsible for themselves.  However much you love your kids, it can be hard.

 

I remember when my kids were little and DH had been gone for weeks, he came home near my birthday.  He asked me what I wanted.  I didn't want a gift.  I wanted a meal where all I had to worry about was me and my meal.  I didn't want to cut food for anyone or make sure they were eating something or worry about diaper bags or anything of that nature.  I just wanted to go somewhere where I was not responsible for anyone but me, the food was decent, I didn't have to care if it took a long time to prep, I didn't have to entertain anyone, and I could eat my meal in peace, without worrying about or taking care of anyone else.  And I only had to worry about whether I needed to go potty.   I didn't care about gifts at all.  DH didn't get it but he took me to dinner anyway.   :laugh:

[Tap]

I agree that it may seem like he is out, living life with leisure interwoven, but traveling for business, can be just as exhausting as being home with kids. Dh used to travel and his stories of his trips, made staying home seem well worth it.

 

For DH, he would have to:

Get up 3 to 4 hours before his job actually started to, to catch a fight and get to a meeting.  It wasn't just sitting around, it was parking the car, taking a shuttle to the airport, checking in/going through TSA, maneuvering luggage with him everywhere from the bathroom, to the coffee shop. Sitting, waiting for the flight, and then boarding.  Getting mauled by fellow fliers as he got to his seat, and then dealing with take off instructions, food carts getting pushed around, getting elbowed by other passengers sitting next to him and listening to their snoring.  Eating sub-par, luke warm airplane food. Sitting in very, very uncomfortable seats, and then dealing with getting off the plane, getting to the car rental and finding his car.  Then figuring out where his hotel was in a city he has never been in.  Figuring out where his meeting is at and how long it will take to get there during different stages of city traffic. Meeting with customers, and all the pressures of work.  Then getting back to the hotel, and spending the evening alone.   That and not being able to go home and relax.  When dh traveled almost 100% of his time was spent planning and working.  He didn't have time or desire to explore the city, when he spent the day getting there. The most he would do is sit in the Jacuzzi if it looked clean but it was to break up the knots in his back from sitting on a plane all day.  

 

Staying in hotels isn't always pleasant.  I don't know how many times he got stuck with someone above him with kids bouncing around or someone deciding to work out during hours he needed to sleep. He got pretty good about requesting a room away from the ice machine and stair case, but sometimes you have to take what you can get.  Hard beds, rooms that aren't all that clean and that neighbor who snores loud enough to hear through the walls.  Make those nights away, less enjoyable. 

 

He used to say the absolute worst part of his travel.....was figuring out dinner and eating alone.  He sometimes did have business meeting dinners and  yes they were nice, but they weren't just hanging out.  There was a lot of pressure to watch every word he said, while pretending to be at ease.  Listening to subtle clues in the customers conversations and making sure to not offend another guest if he laughed at an off color joke, or offend the teller of the joke if he didn't laugh. 

 

There were weeks when my husband was in a different city every night of the week.  His flight schedule leap frogged him across the country.  

 

When he would get home, he would sleep, and sleep.  He just wanted to stop moving and not have to make a million decisions.  He just wanted home cooked food and lay down on a couch or bed that was comfortable and clean. 

[thessa516]

 

I remember when my kids were little and DH had been gone for weeks, he came home near my birthday.  He asked me what I wanted.  I didn't want a gift.  I wanted a meal where all I had to worry about was me and my meal.  I didn't want to cut food for anyone or make sure they were eating something or worry about diaper bags or anything of that nature.  I just wanted to go somewhere where I was not responsible for anyone but me, the food was decent, I didn't have to care if it took a long time to prep, I didn't have to entertain anyone, and I could eat my meal in peace, without worrying about or taking care of anyone else.  And I only had to worry about whether I needed to go potty.   I didn't care about gifts at all.  DH didn't get it but he took me to dinner anyway.   :laugh:

 

I. Get. It.  :lol: 

SaveSave

[Jenn in FL]

I know the grass isn't greener. I know it logically, but my on-going mid-life crisis has manifested itself in extreme wanderlust. I simultaneously feel bitter jealousy for his travels and angry disappointment towards myself with my woe-is-me, pitiful jealous attitude. How do I make peace with it?

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

The short answer to your question?  It's hard.

 

My husband isn't in Europe on business, but TRAVELING to Europe (primarily) at least once a week IS his business.  He flies 777's for a major US carrier and between Paris, London, Madrid, Barcelona, and the occasional stray South American trip... I hear you.  Between the meals, the maid service, the absolute peace and quiet, the complete lack of household responsibilities, and the apparent glamour of travel, it is easy to feel the  way that you do.

 

In our situation, the reality is so different than it appears.  My sweet husband is almost always jet lagged when he is home.  It takes a day or so to truly recover and then it is time to start all over again.  He craves home cooked meals and loves being able to open the fridge and browse.  Even grabbing a late night snack like a bowl of cereal makes him smile. Crawling into his own bed (where the sheets are not changed every single day) brings joy to his heart.  All of these are things I absolutely take for granted.  The times when I am sitting on our wooden front porch swing, or I am outside in the yard just puttering, or I am working on a project, or spending a few free minutes chatting with friends and neighbors, or my personal favorite, lying in the hammock reading a good book, my husband is often times sitting alone in a sterile hotel room counting the hours until he is heading home.  It took quite a long time before I really began to believe this, but I now believe it with all my heart.

 

Somewhere along the way, I made a conscious decision to find joy in the moment I was in.  I began to fully appreciate and embrace the freedom that comes with being the person left at home.  If I am hungry, I have the luxury of cooking whatever I want.  This same premise holds true whether I am tired and want to go to bed, or if I decide at the last minute that I don't want to do something and decide to reschedule,  or if I just arbitrarily declare a household day off, I have the power to do so.  For me, this realization was very liberating and played a pivotal role in my mental paradigm shift.  I guess this would be my answer as to how I made peace with a similar situation.

 

As your kiddos grow older, it will also become exponentially easier!

[Rachel]

I hear you. Last week we FaceTimed with my husband at bedtime. I had an extra kid that day so I had been unable to exercise, I hadn't showered because we woke up late and had to rush to swim team, then we were on the go all day. My husband was sitting in his hotel room watching a tv show he chose at 7 something in the evening! If he wanted he could go swim, use the hotel gym, or since it wasn't dark, be outside by himself. I may have whined at him a bit.

 

My husband travels quite a bit but we have been able to go with him some. It's not as glamorous as it sounds. Most of the hotels are about the same. He works longer days, if he has a dinner, he has to be "on" which is tiring after doing it all day long. He occasionally gets to do fun things but it is rarely with the people he would most enjoy doing them with. He never gets to site see, he spends his free time catching up on all the work he would have done if he was in the office. When he gets home he spends a fair amount of time playing catch up. Yes, he isn't around the kids and that sounds so lovely at times, but he misses out on things he would like to be a part of too.

 

Hang in there!

[Seasider]

I have been in your shoes, though my dh hasn't traveled to such exciting places. I think many of the above suggestions are good, but really, there's one thing you've got to get in order first. You have to build a system of alternate caregivers for your kids.

 

Regular outside classes (that don't require your presence)

Friends you can kid swap with

Babysitters you can hire

 

I have managed to become involved in activities that help me feel more fulfilled, pursuing some of my own interests. When I first started this, there were things I inevitably had to drop or cancel because I had no reliable child care options. I had to establish a list of options, and get dh on board with understanding that money would be required to provide for such (thus keeping his wife sane!). My kids are finally old enough for this not to be an issue, but for quite some time the inability to get away now and then doubled the discouragement!

[gardenmom5]

he's not on vacation - he's working. he's dealing with hassles of his own.

 

work on doing some nurturing for yourself, and don't feel guilty to 'feed yourself".  moms can frequently put themselves last.

[fairfarmhand]

I understand completely.

 

My friends who are military moms felt this way often and their husbands were in a WAR ZONE!

 

And they felt that they had no right to complain because he could be hurt any day. I mean who's jealous of someone dealing with explosions each day?

 

It's hard being alone; it's really hard when the person you love most in the world is seeing places you've always wanted to see.

 

 

[TABmom]

I get it. I sooooo get it.

[lovinmyboys]

I understand completely.

 

My friends who are military moms felt this way often and their husbands were in a WAR ZONE!

 

And they felt that they had no right to complain because he could be hurt any day. I mean who's jealous of someone dealing with explosions each day?

 

It's hard being alone; it's really hard when the person you love most in the world is seeing places you've always wanted to see.

I will admit to this. Dh was in a war zone and I was home with 3 kids 3 and under. My rational brain was never jealous, but there were times I felt jealous. So I am sure I would be jealous if he were enjoying restaurants in Europe 😄. My Dh travels in his civilian job (though not to very exciting places). Sometimes he will complain to me about running out of things to watch on Netflix. I, unfortunately, do not have much sympathy. To be fair, he often complains while I am trying to get four kids through showers and into bed after schooling them and driving them to their activities all day. Again, in my rational brain, I would rather be with my kids. Just don't tell me how bored you are at 9pm.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think I could hack that. 

 

I wouldn't be jealous.  I'd be pissed off.

 

 

[regentrude]

It sounds as if your kids are still young. 

I remember one time when my kids were little. We had moved to England for DH's work; he was traveling out of the country, and I was sitting in the house in a city where I did not know a soul, eating the leftovers off my 1 and 3 y/old plates without having enough energy to make myself some food of my own. And he called and told me about a dinner he had. I was so resentful that I almost cried.

So, I get it.

 

But this, too, shall pass. 

We have, whenever possible, traveled with DH; for many years our vacations were going where dad went on business. Now that my kids are pretty much grown up, I find that I don't crave to go along. Right now, my DH is in South Africa. I have no desire to come along; he will be working, the city is not suitable for walking around on my own and playing tourist, and the long travel is just a pain in the neck. I despise air travel and don't like hotel rooms.

 

Can you do something for yourself? Get a sitter for an evening? Maybe just a neighborhood teen so you can walk around the park all by yourself to catch your breath? When my kids were little, I had days when I savored carrying the garbage to the dumpster, because it meant a few minutes to myself.

Hugs. It gets better.

[regentrude]

 Money is tight anyhow, so a little getaway for myself is not possible.

 

Not even something where the only expense would be for gas?

A night in a tent in a nearby wilderness area (primitive camping is free)?

Or a day trip to an interesting city nearby?

[thessa516]

I don't think I could hack that. 

 

I wouldn't be jealous.  I'd be pissed off.

 

Haha! I'm not pissed. I'm thrilled that he's getting this opportunity. He knows I feel jealous, but I'm always sure to tell him that my foremost thought is that he'll get to have a great time and experience the culture. I only wish I could be there with him. If I was there I'd probably feel guilty that he has to work while I explore the area... lol! 

 

Everyone has helped me so much. I guess I just needed to get it out and have people who would understand commiserate with me. I snapped out of my pity party with your help.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not even something where the only expense would be for gas?

A night in a tent in a nearby wilderness area (primitive camping is free)?

Or a day trip to an interesting city nearby?

 

That's my idea of a very bad time.  :lol:

[QueenCat]

Please make time for yourself. If your kids aren't old enough to stay home alone for a few hours, get a sitter. At least once a week when he travels. Go out to dinner with friends or by yourself (& take a good book). You need and deserve time for you.

[Seasider]

Something I remember from the early years with young kids and a traveling spouse - early bedtimes! Especially in winter when it got dark outside early! I was blessed to have good sleepers, so I could enjoy not evening of working on a hobby or relaxing with a good book or film. I couldn't leave the house, but I did have some time to be sorta kid free. Mornings would come early, sure, but we could start slow with a read aloud in pjs at breakfast.

 

Also, if you find another family of friends that has a traveling dad, you can get together and have a party or play date knowing that you can easily just call for pizza or have something super easy for dinner. Fun for the kids and you have time with an adult friend.

Edited July 11, 2016 by Seasider

[mommyoffive]

Oh ladies! Just having someone "hear" me is a balm.  I wish I would have posted sooner.  :grouphug:  

 

Right there with you sister.

 

Dh travels domestically lots and internationally lots.  Europe, Asia, and more.

 

I am always jealous of it.  Especially since I got bit by the travel bug.  Yes I know it is hard and he says it isn't as fun since we are not there.  Still.   I would love to have been where he has.  We didn't travel before kids and I was only out of the country 3 times before that. 

 

The only thing that helps me is planning our own vacations.  Does your dh get miles and points for this travel?  Can you use it to book some place for the whole family.  We do that so it sort of is a win win.  

Sort of.

 

Oh and can you guys tag along?  We have done that once.  I hope to again.

Edited July 11, 2016 by mommyoffive

[mamiof5]

I haven't read any of the responses, if this was already brought up I apologize. Just wanted to respond and I only have a few mins.

 

You have all the right to feel the way you do. Moms need a break too. My dh doesn't travel too often (probably a few times in the summer/fall...no more than a few times a year. When he's gone I have to admit, we don't eat the healthiest. MC and cheese, hot dogs, just simple meals. Or eat out a couple times. When he comes back I try my best to have an afternoon away - a massage, dessert, dinner, a pedicure, something! Just go somewhere, ALONE.

 

I also used to do girls' weekend with a few close friends. 3 nights somewhere, just doing NOTHING. Very rejuvenating! I hope we can go again next summer when baby is a bit older (he'll be 2 and a half. I didn't have the heart to go this year or the year before, but I really miss it!).

 

Moms don't have never ending patience, energy, fuel etc. Please try to find ways, big or small (a girls' weekend? Or an evening out?) to just relax and catch a breath :)

[zoobie]

I'm jealous DH gets to eat lunch and use the toilet alone. And have a career and a life. If he were traveling, I'd be even more jealous. :grouphug:

[Bambam]

I traveled when I worked before kids. It sounds fun, but it wasn't always. Staying in a hotel room,  always eating restaurant food, having to associate with people that you wouldn't necessarily *chose* to, being somewhere away from home, living out of a suitcase, getting sick away from home and anyone to help you. No, no fun at all.

 

I've felt sorry for my dh before. He works. He used to travel a lot when the kids were little. It was hard. They would get sick. And they would get hurt. And I had to do that alone. But he missed their birthday parties. And their first steps. He missed playing with them. He missed reading aloud every night to them. He missed kisses and hugs and tickles and silly jokes. And he missed going to the zoo, the museum, the ice cream store, the doctor, most things. 

 

Yes, when my kids were little, I would have loved to take a day off and have someone take care of my kids so I could go eat a meal I wanted in peace without having to share or referee and just read a book. I can now that my kids are older (which I do appreciate, btw). But, I wouldn't change those hard years for anything now. I still think I got the better end of the deal.

 

Life isn't fair. I agree - order a pizza, invite a family to join you, set up the sprinkler in the yard after supper and let the kids run through it. They will sleep well, you can chill and chat. You can throw the box in the trash and go to bed and hopefully have the entire bed to yourself all night long!

 

And, yes, it is tough when your kids are little. Mine always seemed to get sick or hurt while dh was out of the country. I'm sure they didn't, but it felt like that sometimes!

[Rachel]

Do you have a gym with child care in your area? I have a really nice Y and I take advantage of the free childcare that comes with the membership. One of my friends used to drop her kids in the childcare then go shower or read a book in the lobby. Having visited a couple Y's that aren't my usual one, I know they aren't all created equally but even some of the cheaper gyms have childcare. Even if you walk at a snails pace on a treadmill, you would still get a break.

 

You could also invite a friend over for coffee/tea/Netflix after your kids are in bed. Sometimes I crave an adult conversation that doesn't require a phone.

[mommyoffive]

I traveled when I worked before kids. It sounds fun, but it wasn't always. Staying in a hotel room,  always eating restaurant food, having to associate with people that you wouldn't necessarily *chose* to, being somewhere away from home, living out of a suitcase, getting sick away from home and anyone to help you. No, no fun at all.

 

I've felt sorry for my dh before. He works. He used to travel a lot when the kids were little. It was hard. They would get sick. And they would get hurt. And I had to do that alone. But he missed their birthday parties. And their first steps. He missed playing with them. He missed reading aloud every night to them. He missed kisses and hugs and tickles and silly jokes. And he missed going to the zoo, the museum, the ice cream store, the doctor, most things. 

 

Yes, when my kids were little, I would have loved to take a day off and have someone take care of my kids so I could go eat a meal I wanted in peace without having to share or referee and just read a book. I can now that my kids are older (which I do appreciate, btw). But, I wouldn't change those hard years for anything now. I still think I got the better end of the deal.

 

Life isn't fair. I agree - order a pizza, invite a family to join you, set up the sprinkler in the yard after supper and let the kids run through it. They will sleep well, you can chill and chat. You can throw the box in the trash and go to bed and hopefully have the entire bed to yourself all night long!

 

And, yes, it is tough when your kids are little. Mine always seemed to get sick or hurt while dh was out of the country. I'm sure they didn't, but it felt like that sometimes!

 

So true.

 

Everything breaks and people get sick when dh is gone.  Every time.

[fairfarmhand]

. I only wish I could be there with him. If I was there I'd probably feel guilty that he has to work while I explore the area... lol! 

 

I've traveled with my dh for business. I NEVER felt guilty that he was working and I was laying around.

 

It was divine. I could lay around while he was getting dressed for the day, go work out in the gym at the hotel. Take a leisurely shower with nobody beating on the door crying, sit quietly drawing or reading, eat dinner, cutting nobody's meat but my own, and sleep soundly.

 

But I'm selfish. :)

[Guest]

Oh I've felt that! I remind myself that I have a LOT more time freedom on a day to day basis than my husband, who is at work every day no later than 6:30 and is working sixty hour weeks right now. The travel is wearying for him even as it can be a break.

 

We each have our hard, your husband's is just different than yours :)

[QueenCat]

I've traveled with my dh for business. I NEVER felt guilty that he was working and I was laying around.

 

It was divine. I could lay around while he was getting dressed for the day, go work out in the gym at the hotel. Take a leisurely shower with nobody beating on the door crying, sit quietly drawing or reading, eat dinner, cutting nobody's meat but my own, and sleep soundly.

 

But I'm selfish. :)

 

That's not selfish, that's called taking care of yourself. When I travel with dh, I'll hang out at the hotel if it has a nice pool or explore the area on my own. Love it!

[thessa516]

 

We each have our hard, your husband's is just different than yours :)

 

That is SO true, especially when he's waking up early in the middle of winter to head to work, and I snuggle back into my warm bed and sleeping a while longer. I need to keep that perspective!

SaveSave

[SparklyUnicorn]

If your kids are young, that is probably one of the most challenging things right there.  Now my kids are a bit older.  I can run errands without them.  I can go to the gym and leave them alone for awhile.  They can manage a lot of stuff on their own.  That's so much easier.  I'm starting to feel like a real person now for lack of a better way of putting it.

 

 

[madteaparty]

My DH travels for work extensively. I'm just as expensively educated, I just sit home on the farm. Actually I know his trips are not super fun for him. For one thing, they always order sushi for lunch, like it's some exotic thing, and he hates sushi. And yes, he is being chauffeured meeting to meeting to airport to meeting, rinse repeat. He has been to London 10 times and never been to the British museum. I've been to London twice and sent him pictures of our little DD hand on the (replica!) Rosetta Stone.

Anyway, I also use his miles. all of them ;)

Edited July 11, 2016 by madteaparty

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 30, 2016 by cathey

[MomatHWTK]

Find some at home treat that will lift your spirits. Buy that expensive chocolate or that special memory foam pillow. Just a little treat now and then. Or do something really cool with the kids so that they think mom is the greatest ever! Take a little credit for cupcakes or a new game.  :001_smile:

 

Also, think about the other worse, lower-paying jobs he could have. I am absolutely losing my mind because of the overtime DH has to work. He has a high-stress position and the extra hours give him no time to mentally or physically recover. But, he's indoors and has decent pay and benefits. It could be worse and he could still be working overtime. We know of people who are nearly 60 and stuck in low-wage jobs working 7 days a week. 

[Tangerine]

Same. Just exactly the same here. Zurich. London. Belgium. Once I wished him luck on his meeting at the White House WHILE vomiting from morning sickness. I'm really sorry. I probably have advice I don't follow myself, but I'm just going to sympathize. It is such a bummer sometimes.

[Spryte]

I understand. Completely.

 

In 2016 alone, DH has been in Paris, Munich, Switzerland, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Chicago, NYC. He's home for a bit and then off to Amsterdam and Munich again. I may have missed a few places.

 

We've done this for ten years. Some years are harder than others. This year - this was hard.

 

DH jokes that at the end of each travel season, he knows he'll come home from one trip to our vacation all planned out, because I've hit the end of my rope. It's true. I hadn't even noticed - but I do it in April every year, when I'm sick and tired of him traveling without us. Heaven forbid a timeshare company call and try to upsell us during that time period - I'll say yes to anything!

 

What makes it easier for me... Special routines. On the night he leaves, the kids and I order pizza and rent or buy a movie. We have a slumber party. I don't hesitate to order out or take the kids out to eat, I buy special fun paper plates, we do special projects. We hit the craft stores. And - I get them to bed really early so I have alone time.

 

For several years, we had a terrible tradition brewing - every time he left the country, the kids came down with the flu. Or the vomits. Aaaaaagghh! Now I don't take the kids to potential germy places right before he leaves. :) I am still fearful about horrendously sick kids when he's gone, but it's workable.

 

Sometimes I'm jealous, or resent it. Mostly on the hard days. For the most part, I'm just happy when he comes home. He always brings the kids fun stuff, and something for me, which isn't necessary but makes me smile. His CEO will send the occasional bottle of wine home as a thanks for loaning him... Those little things make me feel appreciated, I guess? I don't know. It gets easier, then a bit harder, then easier again.

 

If you can, plan some vacations to take together! That really helps me.

[BooksandBoys]

I hear you!

My DH travels fairly often for work, and has also enjoyed a few international excursions while I'm always at home caring for the kids with no childcare (no money), no early bedtimes (bad sleepers), and a lot of effort to be positive (sometimes I pull it off!).

We talk at times about how envious I am that not only does he travel and have a quiet lunch/bathroom at work, but the kids let him pee in peace at home. :-)

 

DH moved to start his new job across the country 2 months ago. I stayed behind to care for the kids, sell the house, pack and move us. Oh, yes, I hear you!

 

One of the agreements we've come to now that we will be living nearer to his parents is that he'll take the kids to their home once a month for a weekend visit and Leave.Me.At.Home. It's time for me to have a break. He will be keeping this promise.

[Spryte]

I hear you!

My DH travels fairly often for work, and has also enjoyed a few international excursions while I'm always at home caring for the kids with no childcare (no money), no early bedtimes (bad sleepers), and a lot of effort to be positive (sometimes I pull it off!).

We talk at times about how envious I am that not only does he travel and have a quiet lunch/bathroom at work, but the kids let him pee in peace at home. :-)

 

DH moved to start his new job across the country 2 months ago. I stayed behind to care for the kids, sell the house, pack and move us. Oh, yes, I hear you!

 

One of the agreements we've come to now that we will be living nearer to his parents is that he'll take the kids to their home once a month for a weekend visit and Leave.Me.At.Home. It's time for me to have a break. He will be keeping this promise.

I love that plan!

 

I have bad sleepers, too. When DH travels I go all boot camp bedtime on them, and if I work it right - they'll go to sleep. It's not a sure thing. And if we didn't have the pediatrician who suggested melatonin... It wouldn't happen. By midnight, we're usually having a slumber party in the big bed, when DH travels. But I shoot force few hours of peace.

[Melissa in Australia]

I hear you as well. Dh goes to Canada for at least a month every year. At least a MONTH.

 

 

 

[Mabelen]

I hear you!

My DH travels fairly often for work, and has also enjoyed a few international excursions while I'm always at home caring for the kids with no childcare (no money), no early bedtimes (bad sleepers), and a lot of effort to be positive (sometimes I pull it off!).

We talk at times about how envious I am that not only does he travel and have a quiet lunch/bathroom at work, but the kids let him pee in peace at home. :-)

 

DH moved to start his new job across the country 2 months ago. I stayed behind to care for the kids, sell the house, pack and move us. Oh, yes, I hear you!

 

One of the agreements we've come to now that we will be living nearer to his parents is that he'll take the kids to their home once a month for a weekend visit and Leave.Me.At.Home. It's time for me to have a break. He will be keeping this promise.

Oh, my! I also had to do the staying behind across the country to sell the house etc once for 6 months! My kids were at school but I also worked part time. My reward was that I would stay full time at home for a while in the new location. I was so burnt out!

[J-rap]

With all the traveling your dh does, I keep thinking he should be accumulating lots of air mile points!  Maybe once/year he'd have enough for your whole family to fly somewhere with him.  I don't quite understand the thing about not being able to stay in his hotel room with him.  I wonder if his company would be open to an exception once/year?  Otherwise, you could perhaps get an adjoining room.  If he gets to choose the hotel, there are far cheaper places to stay rather than chain hotels, making it more affordable for the rest of you.

[Corbster98]

My husband has 21 years active duty Army and we have been married 12 of those years. Between the deployments, trainings, field time, year-long unaccompanied tours, 13 hour days.... I just want to say I COMPLETELY GET IT!! The jealousy bug bites me too and I have to work really hard at being thankful and joyful for the 'place' God has me which is at home with the family.  :grouphug:

[momee]

I noticed your board name.  Wondered if it were a biblical reference and looked it up.  Just wanted to encourage you that it really is just a season with your kids.  They'll grow and change and one day you'll be in a completely different stage.  

You've gotten lots of great advice and all I feel led to add is don't let your situation turn to bitterness.  My dh never really traveled but he worked long, hard hours and was really "absent" mentally alot of the times when my kids were young. 

 

Now they're older and we (dh and I) have such a sweet relationship.  I'm so glad the times I threw plates at him I never hurt him, lol.  Seriously though do what you need to do to get through the periods he is gone.  I have a friend whose hubby is always gone. She hires my daughter to come in - has since dd was around 12.  Now my dd can run a home partially because of the care she's invested in this family with 4 little children.  I have to thank the Lord for him being gone and what that has done for my dd and the mom who hired her, their relationship is so sweet.

 

Don't forget the second part of the verse...about God's will for you right now.  Praying you can make the best of it, I know it is so difficult.  And lonely.  Ohhhhhhhh the lonely times.  

 

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 

 

[momee]

If this helps too I just remembered after I read this in your first post...

"And his hotel room is tiny. Clutter-free with fresh sheets and no toys littering the floor and a single bed he has to sleep in by himself without any kids crawling into the bed in the middle of the night, accidentally kicking him, or waking him up with snoring, tiny little hotel room. *sigh*"

 

My dh would give ANYTHING to get those years back.  When the first few kids were young, he was gone ALOT> 

Now with our youngest he has seen first steps, been to every game, has such a close intimate relationship with her. 

 

I read the above statement and cannot imagine how hard that hotel room must be some nights.  Hope you can concentrate on that and it helps take some of the anger.  Believe me! I get the jealousy.  So.Get.It.  

May your day today be a restful, fun one!

(My verse...in case it encourages you...Gal 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up)

 

 

[DesertBlossom]

Dh is deployed but not in a warzone and sometimes I am totally jealous. 😶 Being responsible for 6 tiny people who need so much from can be very draining.