Mid-life Crisis Alert: Ever just feel like you're wasting your life?

[Garga]

My dh is very stressed over his job, too. When I first quit working to raise our kids, it was a difficult year for dh. He was bowed under the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. I think he still feels the weight of that responsibitily deeply.

 

I wish so much that I could help him, yet I have only a high school diploma and "some college." Just a few classes. Right now, with schooling the boys and running a household, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. When I did take those few college classes, I felt stimulated mentally, but was drowning in all the work involved--homeschool, tending to the home, and college. And I'm not even a good home tender. My house is filled with dust bunnies and clutter.

 

Dh also has some medical things going on and every day when he heads out to work I think, "Just make it through 7 more years. Just 7 more years." That's when the youngest will be done with homeschool. And then I can get my high school diploma job at the grocery store and bring in a little bit of extra money. I have no idea how we'll be able to afford me going to college then, so I guess I'm stuck working at an entry level job until after my sons are out of college and (hopefully) have jobs so they can take over their own college bills. I will help with what I can, but as soon as they're out, we hand the bills over to them.

 

And then maybe I can go to college. At 54 years old. Blech.

 

I do the same thing, Quill. Wonder what the heck all of this is all about. I think about how on one hand we're like animals, subject to our emotions and our desires for power and control. Like any presidental candidate--they are searching for power. It's so strange to me that anyone would want that. I think of the way everything is set up, with bosses and employees and people having to cow-tow to others and some people trying to be controlling and be top dog. It all seems so pointless. So I don't want to have a job. I don't want all that balance of who is in charge of whom. I don't know why people vie for power. What's the point of that?

 

But sitting here at home...what is the point of this?

 

I try to think of myself like my fat cat, Griffin. He just lies around all day long, eating and sleeping and being fat and adorable. He has no purpose in life other than to be pet and adored. Maybe I'm God's fat cat? (Except for the fat part...I'm not fat...). Maybe my purpose in life is just to lie around eating and sleeping and being adored by God? Maybe he didn't make me for any other reason that to just hang around napping in patches of sunlight?

 

I don't know. I bounce between wanting a job and doing things...and wanting to lie around being a pampered cat.

 

I don't think I'm making a lick of sense, but we need to head out the door so I'll just post it and hope this makes a little sense.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I also own this T-shirt. I seem to be coming out the other side of the self-doubt, finally, and am getting my ducks in a row for post-homeschooling life.

 

I just think it kind of sucks that evidently we're all supposed to wear ourselves out for no pay, following our consciences and doing what we think is best (and sometimes even necessary) for the children we brought into this world...only to have to go through 3-5 years of VERY uncomfortable mid-life crisis JUST at the same time that our beloved special snowflakes are driving up our car insurance and eating all our food and threatening never to move out. Seriously! Not fair!

 

Edited to add: It does not help that all my kids' public schooled friends are fine. I mean, I'm glad they're fine. But Gary Ezzo (although I never followed him!) clearly promised that all the public schooled kids would grow up to push each other off swings, never return their shopping carts, and knock over liquor stores. Were we lied to??? Can we sue for lost wages?

Edited July 6, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Zebra]

Let's not get too crazy here. What if we just met at the go cart track and then got henna tattoos. You know . . . Midlife crisis with a side of responsibility. We'd be home before we had to start dinner!

 

I'm in!   I'm too chicken to ride a motorcycle and I am too tired to take on a mistress....but I draw the line at going home to start dinner.   DH will have to order a pizza!!!!

 

This is a huge life change, the winding down of the child-rearing years.   All mothers, and all women feel it.  But it's particularly intense when you are a full-time homeschooling mom.  It's a lot to process, and it's a lot to grieve and celebrate.  

 

I am just really relieved to hear that I am not the only one up at night thinking about this!  

[StephanieZ]

I read some quote the other day that said something that was reassuring . . . Something along the lines of . . . Meaning in life is found in generating human potential; doing good in the world is achieved by helping create a better world by helping create better people. I was like, Oh, wait, great!! I've done that!! 

 

(((hugs))) and I totally get it. It was so much clearer and simpler when they were small . . .

[kewb]

I hear what you are saying. Some days I wake up and think "what the heck happened?" I used to have a career and goals and disposable income. Then came homeschooling. Which I wouldn't change for anything. My life and my children's so enriched by the experiences. But then dh became disabled and my life became a homeschooling and caretaker. And manager of doctors appointments and meds. And I see no end in sight for it.

 

And that no end in sight moment is my moment of "what the heck am I doing with my life?"

 

Ds is off to college in the fall. Dd has two years left at home. Most of which is outsourced. I have started picking up some babysitting and dog sitting jobs to earn a little pin money. But I have no idea what will be next for me. I don't want to go back to corporate. I definitely do not want to work retail. Whatever I do needs to be extremely flexible due to dh's needs.

 

I am getting to a crossroad in my life.

Edited July 6, 2016 by kewb

[PollyOR]

 What I don't think I'll ever regret is getting to spend my days with them. I could have been working a job, coming home frustrated, bitching about my boss or an annoying coworker. I could have spent my days and years with those people. But instead I have gotten to spend them with MY people. And I like them! And I'll miss them. I don't regret that.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  This made me all weepy! :)

[fairfarmhand]

I think for homeschooling moms this is pretty common. Especially when our kids get old enough tobe somewhat independent, but not old enough to not need us at all. That's where we get stuck. The newness of "Oh my word, he's reading!" and "I found the coolest curriculum ever" has kind of worn off. We know what we're doing. The kids aren't so cute, but they still need us SO VERY much. And parenting teens and young adults is SO stinking hard. The toddler infant years were hard ,but it was a physical kind of hard. The teen years are an emotional hard and it sucks you dry. And you add some doubt in there that "Will they ever learn? What happens if they don't grow out of this icky phase?"

 

And you go, Was it worth it? All the money, the time...and it's hard to not look back and try to imagine what might have been...

Edited July 6, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[Guest]

One more one more thing:

 

Maybe your eleven year old will enlist like my Soldier Dude. Maybe one or both of them won't get married. Maybe one or both of them won't have kids. Maybe one or both of us will be putting flowers on a grave next week or next decade.

 

Wouldn't you rather have memories of raising your son than memories of making widgets or sitting in an office?

 

Okay, I'm mean. Talk to your doctor about HRT. I didn't and look how I turned out.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Guest

[Janeway]

Every day is a new beginning. For real.  May I gently suggest some counseling, for some outside advice on planning a new future? 

I gave up a job I loved. I cannot get it back. 

[Guest]

This sounds like the makings of a good book!

Then you could have a screen play off of it with the Ballad of Lucy Jordan by MaryAnn Faithful somewhere as the soundtrack. Or have someone read the Silverstien poem or something......I guess that's not uplifting. But sometimes I listen to that song when I've had a day or month where I'm just done.

 

http://youtu.be/d0NxhFn0szc

[Kathryn]

Same boat, only my youngest is two and I actually get told I'm a taker despite the fact that this was actually his idea. I'm the one with the advanced education but he had the better earning potential (and no ability to homeschool effectively), so I'm the one that stayed home. I've only been out of a job for eight years but that's too long for my degrees to count for anything at this point. I've a whole lot more depressing content along the lines of wasting life away, but I won't go there in print.

[fairfarmhand]

One thing that's really hard to accept is that those years that we took out of the workforce really do affect one's marketability. We either didn't train for something, we trained for something that is no longer relevant. We trained for work that now seems totally dull to our more mature selves. We trained for fields that are packed with other applicants. We trained for work that is poorly paying right now. (Personally, it makes little sense for me to work part time at minimum wage because the drag on the family would end up costing us more money with transportation, eating convenience foods, paying for places for my kids to stay, etc.)

 

Some of us, in order to mesh with the life t hat we have, feel that the best option for part time work is scanning groceries or fast food or some other type of work. And when you've spent years feeling valued for your role in raising your children, it's rather uninspiring to stock shelves at Walmart. Not that it's unimportant, but basically you end up working for a paycheck vs. working for a paycheck+cozy warm feelings.

 

 

But I think what has to be accepted when homeschooling ends is either

 

A. continue in the life you currently have, accepting the financial place that you're at (if your dh is amenable)

 

B. Find a part time job and do the best that you can to juggle it all.

 

C. Find a full time job that really doesn't appeal but can help pay the bills.

 

For all of us who end up in the workforce in jobs that we dislike we have to accept that sometimes, buying your teen son new shoes is a crucial contribution to his life. Lifting the load on your dh is an acceptable reason to work in an uninspiring job. While it's not as affirming as toddler kisses at the end of a long day, it's still important to our family. We're going to figure out how to find that affirmation elsewhere, if we have the energy to keep looking for it.

 

I wish there were better options for part time work in this country. I know far far too many people who work for no other reason than for health insurance. They dislike their jobs, realize full time work is a massive strain on the family unit, hate having to put babies in day care, need just a bit of money to put their family in the black each year, but end up in full time work for lack of options.

[mommyoffive]

I've been struggling with this exact thought for a few months now...    :001_unsure:

 

Me too

[mommyoffive]

But then when you think back to your school years, don't you remember all of the awkward kids? The difference is when you're in school, being awkward becomes your whole identity. At least awkward homeschoolers don't have that hanging over their heads every second of the day.

 

 

to the bigger conversation-

 

I've had the same thoughts about homeschooling. Maybe it's pointless. They all turn out the way they're going to turn out. The energy spent is wasted. But then I also think of just the sheer time I have gotten with these kids. They're going to be gone soon. Life might take them across the country. They might end up like me and my mom, seeing each other twice a year. I already regret the stress I heaped on myself- the worry over teaching them right, the times I put us both in tears over math or writing. What I don't think I'll ever regret is getting to spend my days with them. I could have been working a job, coming home frustrated, bitching about my boss or an annoying coworker. I could have spent my days and years with those people. But instead I have gotten to spend them with MY people. And I like them! And I'll miss them. I don't regret that.

 

As for life- I'm going back to school and starting something new. I'm excited about that, too.

 

Way leads on to way....

 

This is what I need to remind myself of on the days of questioning.  

 

MY PEOPLE!  Love it.

[Caraway]

Let's not get too crazy here. What if we just met at the go cart track and then got henna tattoos. You know . . . Midlife crisis with a side of responsibility. We'd be home before we had to start dinner!

 

 

I got a henna tattoo at the farmer's market and as it fades/breaks up on my hand it looks like age spots.  I would not recommend this as a midlife activity.  :huh:

[purplejackmama]

You're hilarious. ;)

 

Seriously, it was a very profound God-given moment to realize that the feeding of souls is of worth.

 

On a related note, have you ever read Edie Wadsworth's blog: lifeingraceblog.com ? She has some really profound thoughts on vocation, avocation, and service.

.

 

I love Edie's blog but in full disclosure Quill she's married to a Dr. and has put her kids back in school. She has time to pursue her vocation that some of us are limited by with homeschooling.

[Anacharsis]

Money is part of this picture. I see DH is soooooo done with being the earner. (He's a contractor.) The constant need to shake the money tree, the arguments with payers, the debates about jobs that are over his head or just undesirable in some way. He left this morning at 4:30am because he has a job in D.C. If he felt at liberty, he would have turned that job down. So then I am convulsed with guilt because I feel like a taker. But I'm also not in a position to spring into the job market, even if I put DS in school. It's not as though I have some amazing, in-demand job skills and degree just waiting to be put to use.

I think the distinction to make here is between "lÄ«berÄlis" and "obnoxius". The lÄ«berÄlis of "liberal education" means that it is an education for the free; the opposite of a liberal education is (funnily enough) an "obnoxious education", an education for those indentured to others.

 

While we aspire to be free, life does not always allow it; rejecting the wants of wealthy companies, wealthy individuals, the landlords, corporate or individual, who own where we sleep -- that is a very risky business. From a strictly practical perspective, an obnoxious education dedicated to learning how best to serve the rich will lead to the happiest outcomes.

 

With an obnoxious education, there's no point in studying Plato's Apology -- it's not going to make it any easier to apologize for being late to your night shift job. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress isn't going to help you progress in your efforts to get a food-handler's permit. Better to keep an eye on the needs of the market, and ignore the larger questions in life.

 

That's not what we want, though, or what we want for our families. Your efforts are giving your kids a taste of freedom that they might not have again for a while. You are allowing them to see a larger life than one that ends at the bottom of a spreadsheet, even if that is where reality may lead them.

 

That's an important gift, and shouldn't be disregarded.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Anacharsis

[Guest]

I also own this T-shirt. I seem to be coming out the other side of the self-doubt, finally, and am getting my ducks in a row for post-homeschooling life.

 

I just think it kind of sucks that evidently we're all supposed to wear ourselves out for no pay, following our consciences and doing what we think is best (and sometimes even necessary) for the children we brought into this world...only to have to go through 3-5 years of VERY uncomfortable mid-life crisis JUST at the same time that our beloved special snowflakes are driving up our car insurance and eating all our food and threatening never to move out. Seriously! Not fair!

 

Edited to add: It does not help that all my kids' public schooled friends are fine. I mean, I'm glad they're fine. But Gary Ezzo (although I never followed him!) clearly promised that all the public schooled kids would grow up to push each other off swings, never return their shopping carts, and knock over liquor stores. Were we lied to??? Can we sue for lost wages?

Sign me up for that class action case! I really do feel lied to. I see my sister "have it all". Career, kids, nice house, vacations, regular parenting stress that we all have. She juggles a lot but don't we all? Her kids are great! She has a great relationship with them! None of the doom and gloom homeschool stuff I read to comfort myself in my choices are based in any reality that I see. In fact, the only pregnant teenager I know was homeschooled her whole life!!

[G5052]

P.S. I need to go to the OBGYN; this is most surely a factor.

 

I cried last week because I wanted a new coffee table.

 

Same here.

 

I kept putting it off the GYN visit for time and money reasons, excusing the fuzzy thinking, depression, hot flashes, and poor sleeping as "not too bad." Well, in sum they are bad and were significantly affecting my mood and productivity. The GYN confirmed that hormonally I'm in menopause. She said to sleep with a fan on me and put me on an antidepressant as a first step. She also ordered a sleep test, which apparently produced some flags because I have another appointment tomorrow with the sleep specialist to discuss it. I have another appointment with the GYN to see how I'm doing in late August, and I scheduled a full physical with my primary then too.

 

Then I cried some weeks ago because my van is all banged up, dirty inside, and old. Silly, I'm ready to ditch the mom vehicle. Hopefully next summer.

[Happy]

I've had those thoughts, Quill. I'm lucky enough to be on the other side of it now.

 

At the end of my homeschooling days, my oldest left for college and also left behind everything we had tried to teach him. Those were some scary and turbulent years let me tell you. I spent hours weeping because I felt like I'd wasted all that time raising him. If I'd spent 18 years or son invested in a business I'd have had something to show for it. Wouldn't I???

 

Well...that hard to manage kid is now a 31 year old husband and father. He will never be what I hoped he would be (college educated with a brilliant career track)...but what he is is good natured, easy going, and a decent husband and a better Daddy. I'm proud of him.

 

Both of my sons followed their own paths....you know as a homeschooling mom, I wanted them to be different from the pack of public school kids....I NEVER expected them to be this different. :)  They are good people--which tells me I did NOT waste my life spending time with them. It's turning out to be a better investment than I thought at one point.

 

As far as the afterlife....I had only a little college and no desire to go back and get a degree. I got my real estate license and haven't looked back. I manage my own time and life, add a fairly significant amount to the family coffers, and I DO help people through a stressful part of their lives. It feels good to be helpful.

 

As a cancer survivor, I know I might only have a few years left to me. Or I could have 20 or more. I choose to live in a way that makes me happy, satisfied, and will help my children and grandchildren someday.

 

There is worthwhile life in your future. Try a couple of things--I spent 3 years writing full time only to realize I'm not all that good at it...but I tried.

 

[Carrie12345]

My goodness, everyone!

 

I may not earn a paycheck, but what I do is valuable.  I had my staring into the cogs of history and seeing my utter smallness moment a few years ago when I was quite ill. I do not define myself by what I do, but by who I am.  My work may be unpaid, but it's valuable.  I fill in those small gaps where society begins to fall apart by offering service--a nap for a new mother, a meal for the sick, a half hour of conversation for the lonely.  My work allows my husband to have his evenings and weekends and vacation time.  My work allows my kids to have OT and other services that they couldn't access to the same degree if I were working and they were in school.  

 

My choosing to come home meant walking away from millions of income over the course of my lifetime.  I count it as a conscious investment into civility, society, and service. 

 

I like what I'm doing, I'm glad I'm doing it, and I think it's the best thing for my family.  But the fact remains that they're going to be done with me (in this role) while I still have lots of years to fill with some sort of purpose that I haven't found yet.

[PrincessMommy]

Totally there with you Danielle.  Your title just speaks my language.   

 

I need to go back and read the whole thread, but I'm too unmotivated at the moment.   Somedays, I feel like my brain is oozing out of my ears

[hornblower]

I have too many causes that I believe in & that I can see myself getting involved in. I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the possibilities ahead of us.

 

I'm finding it a really exciting time. 

[Guest]

One thing that's really hard to accept is that those years that we took out of the workforce really do affect one's marketability. We either didn't train for something, we trained for something that is no longer relevant. We trained for work that now seems totally dull to our more mature selves. We trained for fields that are packed with other applicants. We trained for work that is poorly paying right now. (Personally, it makes little sense for me to work part time at minimum wage because the drag on the family would end up costing us more money with transportation, eating convenience foods, paying for places for my kids to stay, etc.)

 

Some of us, in order to mesh with the life t hat we have, feel that the best option for part time work is scanning groceries or fast food or some other type of work. And when you've spent years feeling valued for your role in raising your children, it's rather uninspiring to stock shelves at Walmart. Not that it's unimportant, but basically you end up working for a paycheck vs. working for a paycheck+cozy warm feelings.

 

 

But I think what has to be accepted when homeschooling ends is either

 

A. continue in the life you currently have, accepting the financial place that you're at (if your dh is amenable)

 

B. Find a part time job and do the best that you can to juggle it all.

 

C. Find a full time job that really doesn't appeal but can help pay the bills.

 

For all of us who end up in the workforce in jobs that we dislike we have to accept that sometimes, buying your teen son new shoes is a crucial contribution to his life. Lifting the load on your dh is an acceptable reason to work in an uninspiring job. While it's not as affirming as toddler kisses at the end of a long day, it's still important to our family. We're going to figure out how to find that affirmation elsewhere, if we have the energy to keep looking for it.

 

I wish there were better options for part time work in this country. I know far far too many people who work for no other reason than for health insurance. They dislike their jobs, realize full time work is a massive strain on the family unit, hate having to put babies in day care, need just a bit of money to put their family in the black each year, but end up in full time work for lack of options.

The thing is, sometimes I do miss the pre-kids work I had. I was a Legal Secretary in the city. I liked the purposefulness of that job. I liked the liveliness going on there and that I was a part of it; could eat Thai food for lunch, or very fresh seafood or real Jewish bagels or...anything, really. Anything at all. I liked wearing nice clothes. I liked feeling like I was a part of the wider world.

 

BUT, I also realize I am remembering the glory and not the drag. That commute! The way the August heat would radiate off the streets like a giant skillet. The catcalls, the menancing, dodgy people, the panhandlers, the disreputable ladies skulking around. The office politics. The a-hole boss. The tearful arguments. The endless rush. The daily migranes. The filing that was never finished.

 

And, on top of all that, I didn't have a family yet, so, to be perfectly frank, I had nothing better to do. Might as well work. That would obviously be a very different factor now. Stuck in traffic with an hour to go, knowing I have people waiting for me? Whole different story.

[City Mouse]

This thread struck a chord with me. I have the same kind of feelings for the opposite reason.

I have worked full time since I graduated from college over 20 years ago, except for one year of part-time and one year of in home child care, I am in a career that I am good at but don't enjoy any more. I would love do do something else, but there is nothing else that I can do that would make anywhere close to what I earn at my current job. I have thought of going back to school for something different, but it will take me at least three years before I could be employable in that career. It just doesn't seem worth the trouble. I have put my DH on notice. I plan to quit my job in 4 yrs after my youngest has graduated from HS and my oldest will hopefully have graduated from college.

I don't know what I will do then, but I cannot continue in this same job for 20 more years.

[Wheres Toto]

((hugs))) to everyone who is dealing with these feelings and has unsupportive or downright rude husbands.  Ugh.

 

I had my mid-life crisis when I was 32 but for almost the exact opposite reason.  Working full time, trying to find family time, feeling unsupported, and that there was no meaning to any of it.    Divorced, remarried, stayed home with the kids, homeschooling, then working while the kids were homeschooled - I feel like things haven't stayed the same long enough to feel in a rut.   :glare:

 

Although I am starting the hormonal downslide it's not corresponding to anything close to the kids being out of the house.  I have another 9 years with my youngest, assuming she sticks with homeschool to the end.  Sometimes that idea seems overwhelming when I'm tired, cranky and moody.  Perimenopause with two kids hitting puberty is no walk in the park.

 

I am also trying to decide if I should look into freelance or virtual assistant type positions.  While homeschooling and working will be rough, I just left a decent job that I had for three years and no longer have that dreaded gap and have good references.  I am doing some freelance work for my old boss, but it's very occasional and I think I would like to do something more - part time but only if I can do it from home.  It's not the ideal time, but if I wait I might not be able to do it at all.  Dh doesn't hate his job but he's turning 60 this year and it would be nice if he could slow down/retire at some point.  If I can work without incurring childcare costs, that would be the dream.

[Caclcoca]

When I was I child, I was told I could do anything that I wanted to do.  No one ever told me that you couldn't do it all at the same time well.  I hit a mid life crisis at the beginning of this year.  I am thankful that I was able to quit my career 15 years ago to stay home with my children.  I love homeschooling, but my youngest is starting the second grade.  That means there is still 11 years of homeschooling left.  I will be at 26 years of not working outside of the home.  I cannot imagine going back to work at that point, but I am going to have to help pay for college.  I am tired, burnt out, and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life.  My dh is great and very encouraging.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I have been seriously considering getting another tattoo.  I even considered some piercings.  I would buy a motorcycle if I had the money.  I have felt this angst before, but this time, it feels like I'm suffocating.  I am NOT the woman I used to be.  I'm just a shell.  DH has commented that my spirit hasn't been around in years.  I can't afford to go take Tai Chi or Yoga classes.  I wouldn't follow through in a book club.  I seriously thought about going to a bar alone last week.  Just to drink and meet new people.  Sad!   We haven't saved for the kids college, so me working would be a help.  But yes, the stress of that...

 

I was thinking the other day how hard we worked to be where we are.  Stay at home/not having to work a job while Dh works.  A nice house.  Vacations.  Weekends off.  but reality is, the places we want to go are crowded on the weekends.  We don't touch most of the toys in this home but once or twice a year(camping gear, mountain bikes, etc).  I remember when first married our place was small but clean.  We were happier.  Even if one of us worked weekends.  It was better.  I don't think getting to this adult place was a good thing.  Now that we are here, we kinda wish we had done things differently.  Lived less conventional.  But now we are here...it feel impossible to change it.  

[Annie G]

I was in your shoes at about the same time as you are now and it was a tough couple of years. I'd graduated two kids and they'd proven they could hack college. Had two more at home- high school age, and I was feeling that the 20 years as a SAHM was leading nowhere. I volunteered like crazy and I got a few jobs that I really enjoyed. But they didn't fix that 'what am I going to do when I grow up' feeling. 

 

But I want to encourage you that you'll find something and that it might be similar to when men go through midlife crisis. But it's very different for women.  Dh never understood how I felt when we'd socialize and people asked me what I did. He was proud that I was a SAHM and a homeschooling mom. And I was too, until I was in a room full of women who I felt were doing something.  

 

In my case, it was all a mind game and once I conquered it, I felt such freedom. I am SO comfortable in my skin and who I am and what I do with my days. But boy did it take a long time to get here.  Mine midlife crisis lasted from 2009 to early 2014.  It didn't help that I was going through perimenopause at the same time. 

 

Hugs, my friend. Seek your happy place. Don't be afraid to take some chances. Take the advice that you would give your kids- dream big. 

Edited July 7, 2016 by Annie G

[G5052]

((hugs))) to everyone who is dealing with these feelings and has unsupportive or downright rude husbands.  Ugh.

 

Much of it is that they're in their own crisis. Even if they are basically decent guys.

 

So you have two adults who are a bit "lost in space" trying to connect and figure out who they are. Kids are growing up and here comes retirement.

 

BOOM!

[SemiSweet]

:grouphug:

 

I have a long way to go, but I've been feeling the same way. I'm in school full time and close to my BA, hopefully I'll do grad school next year. I'm a planner, so even though I feel this way sometimes, I have a plan that I'm actively working toward and it helps a lot. It's the main reason I started school again, because I need to be working and looking forward to something.

 

Maybe a vision board or some journaling to get your mind thinking about what you do want next and how you can make it happen.

[Arcadia]

Money is part of this picture. I see DH is soooooo done with being the earner. (He's a contractor.)

My hubby would love to go back to being self employed if and when I get a full time job. At this point in time, we need one of us to have a steady income and decent insurance. Hubby was self-employed but earned very little so totally depending on my steady paycheck at that time.

 

My SAHM neighbors are going for their real estate licenses. I would prefer working in the showroom of new developments then to run around selling houses even though the commission is lower. I have not check what is the criteria for applying for those kind of jobs. I won't mind working in a leasing office either and I am surrounded by plenty of big rental apartment complexes.

 

ETA:

I have met many model homes showroom agents (male and female) with kids in college. Age apparently is not a factor as long as they are free to work six days week including weekends. One guy love his job as a showroom agent for a townhome complex as his four kids are one finishing high school and three in colleges so he doesn't mind the hours and pay.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Arcadia

[Joyofsixreboot]

I have no advice but maybe the comfort of knowing I feel this way. A lot. My 8yo begs to go to school. The 12 yo has one more year with me. She is contemplating a career where all the lab science and math she can get at PS will be a plus. Dh is totally over his career and would love me to pick up the slack, not that anyone will hire a 50 something years out of the job market. I have no answers just :grouphug:.

[Jenny in Florida]

Interestingly, I never had that midlife crisis/I'm wasting my life feeling until after my younger child graduated and I was dumped back into the paid workforce.

 

As long as I was homeschooling -- even when, with older kids, that meant little more than managing their schedules and driving them around and handling paperwork -- I was absolutely secure that what I was doing was meaningful and worthy of my best effort. When my daughter moved out and my son went off to college and I woke up one morning faced with another week of juggling two part-time jobs and doing the mundane household tasks, the "what is the point of this" wave hit me hard.

 

To be honest, I'm still struggling with it nearly two years later, but on the good days I can recognize that things are getting better. I'm in a job I like more and that brings in more money. I'm having occasional glimmers of remembering the person I was before kids and feeling like I just might have the energy and interest to go back to doing some of the things I used to enjoy. 

 

So, I guess I would encourage you to try and see this as a transitional/seasonal feeling and focus on figuring out what you could do to make life feel more meaningful for you. 

[MotherGoose]

Yes. I'm different from some of you though in that I already wanted to be s SAHM before dd 1 came. We decided on hs when she was a toddler even though we live in a good school district. So I wasn't pushed into it by school disaster like some folks. I did have a professional career, but I was burned out. Now there are other things I would like to do, but I can't, unless I fit it in around homeschooling. And I have an infant at 41. Maybe that's how I fixed a midlife crisis: having another baby! DH has a career such that money is not a worry, thank God. Talking to some cousins over the holiday, all of whom are professionals in high paying jobs. Kids in daycare. They are happy and it's working for them. But I can't imagine handing over any of my kids to someone else, even when one of them is currently on the porch eating her supper because of abominable behavior at the supper table :D. That would happen anyway, but we wouldn't have tomorrow to be pleasant. She'd be gone to daycare.

[MotherGoose]

Yes. I'm different from some of you though in that I already wanted to be s SAHM before dd 1 came. We decided on hs when she was a toddler even though we live in a good school district. So I wasn't pushed into it by school disaster like some folks. I did have a professional career, but I was burned out. Now there are other things I would like to do, but I can't, unless I fit it in around homeschooling. And I have an infant at 41. Maybe that's how I fixed a midlife crisis: having another baby! DH has a career such that money is not a worry, thank God. Talking to some cousins over the holiday, all of whom are professionals in high paying jobs. Kids in daycare. They are happy and it's working for them. But I can't imagine handing over any of my kids to someone else, even when one of them is currently on the porch eating her supper because of abominable behavior at the supper table :D. That would happen anyway, but we wouldn't have tomorrow to be pleasant. She'd be gone to daycare.

[The Girls' Mom]

:grouphug: I understand, all too well.

 

The hill of becoming "over the hill" has been almost palpable.  I found myself looking down the barrel of 40ish years of empty nesting, with a dh that is sick to death of his job, and becoming physically unable to do it much longer.  I am not the type of person that can be content just staying home anyway.  In fact, the less busy I am, the worse my mental health becomes.  

So, back to school now that the kids are pretty much grown.  I'm trying to get my foot into the door of a decent career before my dh can no longer work.  Some days I feel too young to be in this stage of life, but some days I feel too old to be starting over.  It is exhausting whichever way I look at it.  

Then you throw in crazy mid-life hormones that make me wake up hating everyone on the planet.  Fun times.

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 9, 2016 by ~ d9n

[edelweiss]

I can identify with so many of the comments on this thread. I definitely feel like I am in the midst of a midlife crisis. I really don't miss working, but homeschooling isn't working out the way I expected it would either. Homeschooling is one of my biggest regrets. If I could go back in time, I would never have started homeschooling them. I really feel stuck at this point.

[mamiof5]

Mine is related to family. I let some very toxic people run my life. I hate that I did. I cannot believe the decisions I let others make for me. In some cases, my husband enforced it. So for example, I never wanted to live here or give up my career. But, he wanted to live here. So, he moved here and told me if I do not like it, then I am on my own, but he was still going. I wish I had said bye then. I have relatives who have stood over me and making judgements about everything from family size to, just everything. Like if I went on vacation, they would call me constantly and complain about it. And I let them. Ugh!

 

Now I want to move and try to reclaim what I lost, but I feel like it is all just lost. No reclaiming can happen.

I'm sorry. Will pray for a wonderful, healthy, new beginning.

[purplejackmama]

I can identify with so many of the comments on this thread. I definitely feel like I am in the midst of a midlife crisis. I really don't miss working, but homeschooling isn't working out the way I expected it would either. Homeschooling is one of my biggest regrets. If I could go back in time, I would never have started homeschooling them. I really feel stuck at this point.

Hugs!!

 

Want to elaborate? I'm curious if we have similar homeschool regrets.

[Guest]

My husband hit his midlife crisis, and now I live in a national park, far removed from any semblence of civilization. :/

Edited July 7, 2016 by Kinsa

[BlsdMama]

Just indulge me a moment. Yeah, I know it's not rare to get to the midway point in life and just go, "What the hell am I doing?" But it could also be that this is more common in homeschooling circles than out. I just feel like: what am I doing? My life is so pointless. There's not much more of that cheery potential that exists when the kids are small; now I'm just trying to muddle through my last year or two of HSing my remaining student.

 

Money is part of this picture. I see DH is soooooo done with being the earner. (He's a contractor.) The constant need to shake the money tree, the arguments with payers, the debates about jobs that are over his head or just undesirable in some way. He left this morning at 4:30am because he has a job in D.C. If he felt at liberty, he would have turned that job down. So then I am convulsed with guilt because I feel like a taker. But I'm also not in a position to spring into the job market, even if I put DS in school. It's not as though I have some amazing, in-demand job skills and degree just waiting to be put to use.

 

I'm just thinking, as I clean out the fridge of furry cheddar and mysterious take-out that got smooshed to the back behind the yogurt, "What the hell am I doing? With my life? With my brain? With my anything?" My kids are terrific, but of course, I can't know that is all down to me, this awesomely attentive mothering they have had. Maybe they would have been just as well had they trotted off to school at 5, just as most all others do. Maybe they would even be better.

 

Cheer me up, mates. I'm at the bottom.

 

 

Honestly Danielle?  I really felt this way after William.  I felt a lot of ways after William... and it was a meandering path.

 

I love my kids but they had been all encompassing for years.  Obviously I have many more years of being at home but I'm back to taking classes about something I'm passionate about.  DH and I have joked (though with that serious edge to it, kwim) about him staying home in ten years and me going to work.  I'd love it.  I couldn't have said that 15 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5.  But I'd love to be his retirement plan. ;)  I could see going to work part time in five years and slowly becoming very serious about it while DH takes a step back to be at home much more.  I think it will be fascinating to see how it plays out.

 

All that to say, without that feeling of serious introspection and frustration with where I was, I don't think I'd have done the evaluating and commitment that needed to happen and is happening now, kwim?  I think your frustration is one big step in the process forward.  Just my .02 for whatever that's worth - I wouldn't try to buy a cup of coffee with it. ;)  But I do completely understand.

 

My thoughts are 2 years to my BA.  And then a few more to my Masters.  I dream of my PhD, but who knows?  But then, when my kids are middles, I can throw myself into the homeschool program that is here - assessing and working with learning disabilities until Cate and Will are older and I can do private practice.  It's the stuff of dreams but it's carrying me for now.  Or at least I'm hoping it will get me through lesson planning time this summer when I'd really rather be doing ANYTHING else.

 

Think of it this way - 20 years at what you've been doing, you're ready for something new... 20 years at what DH has been doing - he's sick of where he is too.  We are experiencing the same thing and we can't help but look at each other and think, "Why not trade places if that's what we'd rather be doing?"  We just have to lay the pathway to actually be able to do that because without me being able to replace his earnings (or pay off the house and then semi-replace) it's not possible.  So, for me, those beginning steps is back to school.  And, initially I felt oldER.  But there are many around me who are older, and anyway, what do I care?  So what if I was the oldest?  Meh.  Plus, after years of no feedback as to how I'm doing, I'm enjoying the attagirl of grades.  Shallow?  Probably.  But, frankly, it feels good to have validation that I'm still bright and capable.

 

ETA: And, after reading some replies, I'd like to reiterate - these feelings are far more about me than a reflection on homeschooling.  I was just thinking the other night, "I wonder why more people don't have kids early, stay home, raise them, THEN do school and career?" Truly.   I'm a hair and a breath away from 40.  Assuming I graduate before 50, I can still work for another 20 years easily.  Why do people think, "I'm 50, I must continue doing what I'm doing?"  I get it 10 or 20 years ago, but now, with degrees online and night programs for Masters, why does anyone feel stuck?  We can work AND do school for a few years.  No, I'm very glad we homeschooled and, after seeing the fruit in our 17yo and 20yo, we are definitely committed.  We just also recognize that it doesn't have to be the traditional way either. ;)

Edited July 7, 2016 by BlsdMama

[lauraw4321]

@ Kinsa - that sounds adventuresome, at least!

[Arcadia]

ETA: I was just thinking the other night, "I wonder why more people don't have kids early, stay home, raise them, THEN do school and career?"

My 35 year old brother married early to have kids early. His wife is a sahm school dropout. When he was working after his associates degree, he had to rent out a bedroom to two singles to be able to make ends meet. When he was retrenched, my parents have to bail his family out until he found work as a temp security guard at a private school. My parents paid for him to do a part time evening bachelors degree program so that he has a chance of getting a engineering mechanic job. Now he is working as an engineering mechanic and because of the financial instability stop at one child. So my niece will stay an only despite my brother wanting a big family when he was a young single adult.

[madteaparty]

 I was just thinking the other night, "I wonder why more people don't have kids early, stay home, raise them, THEN do school and career?" 

 Because, in my case, I think older children need you more than younger ones. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Because, in my case, I think older children need you more than younger ones.

Mine were high needs little ones so I can't entirely agree, but I do find that my older (tween to college) boys still need me just as much now. Just in very different ways. I'm still teaching and raising three, and being consistent and available for the eldest. They would lose something they still need if I went to school or got a full time job right now. In just a few years that will no longer be the case.

[Guest]

:grouphug: I understand, all too well.

 

The hill of becoming "over the hill" has been almost palpable. I found myself looking down the barrel of 40ish years of empty nesting, with a dh that is sick to death of his job, and becoming physically unable to do it much longer. I am not the type of person that can be content just staying home anyway. In fact, the less busy I am, the worse my mental health becomes.

 

So, back to school now that the kids are pretty much grown. I'm trying to get my foot into the door of a decent career before my dh can no longer work. Some days I feel too young to be in this stage of life, but some days I feel too old to be starting over. It is exhausting whichever way I look at it.

 

Then you throw in crazy mid-life hormones that make me wake up hating everyone on the planet. Fun times.

Yup. Exactly. So much this.

 

And I really loved being in college and would like to resume.

[newhsmom]

I have been having many of the same thoughts lately.  It is hard to be homeschooling for a long time and wonder what happened to the person you used to be.  I think that this mid-life struggle is real for all people regardless of their situation.  I spent a great deal of time talking to a friend the other day that has a lucrative career and is utterly miserable about missing her child's life.  Her husband is not supportive of her being a stay-at-home mom and she feels completely trapped by her life even though she just received another huge promotion.  I shared with her how I feel that I have given up my entire career to homeschool my kids and even though I love it, there are definitely trade-offs. It made me realize that none of us have a perfect situation, but hopefully you can find peace with whatever season you are in.    

[Guest]

Honestly Danielle? I really felt this way after William. I felt a lot of ways after William... and it was a meandering path.

 

I love my kids but they had been all encompassing for years. Obviously I have many more years of being at home but I'm back to taking classes about something I'm passionate about. DH and I have joked (though with that serious edge to it, kwim) about him staying home in ten years and me going to work. I'd love it. I couldn't have said that 15 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5. But I'd love to be his retirement plan. ;) I could see going to work part time in five years and slowly becoming very serious about it while DH takes a step back to be at home much more. I think it will be fascinating to see how it plays out.

 

All that to say, without that feeling of serious introspection and frustration with where I was, I don't think I'd have done the evaluating and commitment that needed to happen and is happening now, kwim? I think your frustration is one big step in the process forward. Just my .02 for whatever that's worth - I wouldn't try to buy a cup of coffee with it. ;) But I do completely understand.

 

My thoughts are 2 years to my BA. And then a few more to my Masters. I dream of my PhD, but who knows? But then, when my kids are middles, I can throw myself into the homeschool program that is here - assessing and working with learning disabilities until Cate and Will are older and I can do private practice. It's the stuff of dreams but it's carrying me for now. Or at least I'm hoping it will get me through lesson planning time this summer when I'd really rather be doing ANYTHING else.

 

Think of it this way - 20 years at what you've been doing, you're ready for something new... 20 years at what DH has been doing - he's sick of where he is too. We are experiencing the same thing and we can't help but look at each other and think, "Why not trade places if that's what we'd rather be doing?" We just have to lay the pathway to actually be able to do that because without me being able to replace his earnings (or pay off the house and then semi-replace) it's not possible. So, for me, those beginning steps is back to school. And, initially I felt oldER. But there are many around me who are older, and anyway, what do I care? So what if I was the oldest? Meh. Plus, after years of no feedback as to how I'm doing, I'm enjoying the attagirl of grades. Shallow? Probably. But, frankly, it feels good to have validation that I'm still bright and capable.

 

ETA: And, after reading some replies, I'd like to reiterate - these feelings are far more about me than a reflection on homeschooling. I was just thinking the other night, "I wonder why more people don't have kids early, stay home, raise them, THEN do school and career?" Truly. I'm a hair and a breath away from 40. Assuming I graduate before 50, I can still work for another 20 years easily. Why do people think, "I'm 50, I must continue doing what I'm doing?" I get it 10 or 20 years ago, but now, with degrees online and night programs for Masters, why does anyone feel stuck? We can work AND do school for a few years. No, I'm very glad we homeschooled and, after seeing the fruit in our 17yo and 20yo, we are definitely committed. We just also recognize that it doesn't have to be the traditional way either. ;)

Such a lot here I identify with. I was very content when I was in college, working on my AA. I know what you mean about that validation, too. One of my professors used my paper as a model, gave me a 99.7 on it and said, "you could really go far." She was raised in a Mennonite home and did not set foot in a college herself until she was 30. She got her Associates. And her bachelors. Then Masters. Then doctorate. She took it all the way, despite the late start. Believe me, it meant a lot to me to hear her say that to me. You could really go far. It haunts me on days like today.

 

When I started college, at 38, I did not mind being a non-traditional student; in fact, I liked being the "class mom." I still don't mind and find it gratifying, but as I said along this thread somewhere, I am afraid to do classes while trying to school DS11 and work for DH simultaneously. I am really afraid of doing a crappy job with DS just when he most needs his education to be thorough. Not to mention paying tuition. I feel like everything we make goes to one school or the other.