3 year old that doesn't have any interest in toys

[AnthemLights]

Foster kiddo.  I literally know nothing about his background before he came to us.  We have had him for going on 4 months now.

 

My question - he doesn't play with toys.  Like ever.  Unless someone plays with him.  But otherwise no interest whatsoever.  When he first came we had nothing in the way of toys. My youngest is 11 and even he has more "grown up" interests.  So we stocked up on "stuff"....wooden blocks, big legos, a train set, books, puzzles, games, toy cars, trucks.

 

Now everything just sits there in totes.  Unless someones plays with him.  But is it too much to expect that he would play on his own?  Have I just not found something that he likes enough to play on his own?  I hate to keep buying stuff only to let it sit there.

 

The only thing that keeps him entertained independently is playing outside in gravel or mud or dirt.  :tongue_smilie:

 

I have three bio children of my own and I can't remember them ever needing to be entertained like he does.  Maybe I just had easier children? or maybe I am just not remembering right?   :sad:

 

Is there anything I can do to promote independent play?  How do your three year olds spend the day?

 

 

[Spryte]

We did a lot of "tivities" at 3. Lots of interactive play.

 

It sounds like he might enjoy a sandbox or a sand table on the deck where you can see him? Or a sensory bin with rice and little cups.

[Xahm]

If he hasn't played with creative toys before, he may need to learn how by playing together. Build a few things with him several times, then start a tower of blocks one day, getting him excited. Then say "oops, I need to go potty/check the soup/ get the mail. How high do you think you can make the tower before I get back?" Basically show him how each toy works, that it can be fun, and then start backing off. It may take a while.

[Katy]

Hmmm...  Can you bring a bin of mud inside?

 

Or clay?

 

Have you tried Play-Doh?

 

My guess is he never had access to toys and doesn't know how to play with them.

[Arcadia]

My boys love sand toys (shovels and molds) and the plastic truck that is for sand play. My kids love building mud forts. I gave them a empty gallon mineral water container for hurling water to wet the sand to make sand castles.

[Epicurean]

This probably isn't it, but could it be he fact that they're stored in totes and it's an out of sight, out of mind issue? Like if you took the blocks, train and puzzles out and displayed them on the floor, would he just walk around them or might that inspire him to fiddle with them in his own?

[kbutton]

There are probably lots of reasons why he might not play with toys. It can be a sign of autism or other things. I agree that he might like sensory bins or a sandbox if he likes dirt. Make sure he has some old clothes, and let him play in the dirt and muck as much as you can. It's good for you. :-) I still love to play in the dirt. My brother and I spent hours in the dirt and mud.

 

Mine liked dirt a lot. I had one that played with realistic toys only (he has several labels but is a great kid) and one that played with all kinds of things, but he didn't explore as much. Not getting into everything was a huge help compared to my first, but my less-exploratory one turned out to need glasses early, and I felt bad we didn't have him checked sooner. 

 

He might like working alongside you doing things like sweeping floors and wiping tables and windows. He may just need more conversation. If he had a language delay of some sort, like a receptive language delay (either organically or from not being talked to much), he might not have the language to do the kind of play he wants to. 

 

I would consider getting a vision exam with someone who is part of the InfantSEE program. If they are a developmental optometrist as well (COVD), it's that much better.

[kbutton]

Is he allowed to take toys wherever you are? He might want company even if he's going to play independently.

[ktgrok]

maybe some paper, safety scissors, and tape and glue sticks?

 

And yes, if they are in totes they may be out of sight, out of mind. 

 

 

[Mandamom]

My now almost 16 year old never much cared for toys, still doesn't -- except for her phone :). 

 

Her biggest source of entertainment is being with others -- she is extremely social. 

 

My youngest stepson is very similar and he is 20 years old. 

 

So, it could be personality, depending on what else you see. 

[fairfarmhand]

My dd was like that. She followed me around chattering and doing whatever I did. She did laundry, *ironed* doll clothes with a block. Cooked legos. Imaginative play but it was exactly what I was doing.

[AnthemLights]

Okay, just some quick answers -

 

1.  At first when he came I thought that yeah, maybe he just never learned - no access - so we all spent hours playing with him.  My ds11 especially would spend tons of time with him, teaching him what everything does and acting all excited about stuff.  And he loved that.  Still does.  But unless he has someone to play with him, he just has no interest.

 

2.  The totes are very accessible...in the living room where he can get to them easily.  With people all around to provide some social aspect.  And yes if they are scattered around, he pretty much just walks around them.

 

3.  He does have a language delay.  He is 36 months but tested at 18 months.

 

4.  His favorite activity (other than dirt and gravel  :tongue_smilie: ) is helping.  Helping clean, helping sweep, helping dust.  It's terribly sweet actually.  But does it make me a bad mom to wish that he would just play by himself sometimes?   :001_smile:

 

5.  We try to spend a lot of time outside where he can play in the grass or mud or gravel.  He is so happy then.  I would love to find something that he would like just as much inside.  Maybe I can check out a tote filled with beans? rice? something? for inside. 

 

6.  He loves grown up stuff.  Cell phones, especially.  Sometimes when I am desperate I will give him mine.  He likes pressing buttons.

 

7.  He doesn't like coloring at all.  We tried play dough.  He liked that.... but again only as long as someone was playing with him.  He lost interest as soon as big brother walked away.

 

 

Edited July 6, 2016 by AnthemLights

[Epicurean]

What would happen if you isolated him in a play pen or his room with books, puzzles, blocks, etc? I think teaching a kid to play independently is a pretty important skill, and I isolate my toddler sometimes just to have her practice not being entertained and focusing on those couple of toys. She cried at first but got over it. I understand if you worry that would be traumatizing to him with his background, though.

[Terabith]

Maybe set up some Montessori activities/ trays and a sensory table inside?  But if he's at about 18 months language wise, developmental play level is probably around there, too. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

What would happen if you isolated him in a play pen or his room with books, puzzles, blocks, etc? I think teaching a kid to play independently is a pretty important skill, and I isolate my toddler sometimes just to have her practice not being entertained and focusing on those couple of toys. She cried at first but got over it. I understand if you worry that would be traumatizing to him with his background, though.

 

Please don't do this.

[AnthemLights]

Maybe set up some Montessori activities/ trays and a sensory table inside?  But if he's at about 18 months language wise, developmental play level is probably around there, too. 

 

So, are you saying that maybe the toys are too "old" for him.  Could that be some of the problem?  Although, come to think of it, a lot of the toys that he has would appeal to much younger kiddos, I think, so maybe not.  

[Xahm]

My kids, ages 2 and 4, are super independent players, but at 1 they liked things more than toys. Pour water from one cup to another, drop spoons into hard to reach places, etc. Imaginative play is a separate step. The first play was more about discovery, the "what does this do/feel like/sound like" stuff. I agree with more sensory kinds of toys. Would he like to play finger paint style with shaving cream sprayed on a table?

[AnthemLights]

My kids, ages 2 and 4, are super independent players, but at 1 they liked things more than toys. Pour water from one cup to another, drop spoons into hard to reach places, etc. Imaginative play is a separate step. The first play was more about discovery, the "what does this do/feel like/sound like" stuff. I agree with more sensory kinds of toys. Would he like to play finger paint style with shaving cream sprayed on a table?

 

 

Oh, I can see him LOVING this.  Maybe a bit of my problem is I hate mess indoors.  Outside I don't mind at all.  I don't care how dirty and muddy he gets outside, but for inside I much prefer "clean" toys.  My house is incredibly hard to keep clean so the idea of deliberately making a mess seems very abhorrent. 

 

But, I can see that I need to loosen up on this.  *New resolution*.  :001_smile:

[AnthemLights]

What would happen if you isolated him in a play pen or his room with books, puzzles, blocks, etc? I think teaching a kid to play independently is a pretty important skill, and I isolate my toddler sometimes just to have her practice not being entertained and focusing on those couple of toys. She cried at first but got over it. I understand if you worry that would be traumatizing to him with his background, though.

 

 

I have actually already done a variation of this (sorry Chocolate  :( ).  Not in a separate room, cuz we have a very open floor plan and I didn't want to have him off somewhere where I couldn't see him and where he couldn't see me.  

 

But I did teach him to sit on a chair in the living room and look at a book for 10-15 minutes at a time.  He doesn't really like it and I try not to over do it, but it does come in handy when I have an emergency in another part of the house and I don't want him trailing me.  

 

ETA - okay, maybe not 15 minutes....more like 5 to 10.  

Edited July 6, 2016 by AnthemLights

[Terabith]

I wasn't so much thinking that the toys might be too old for him as that your EXPECTATIONS might need to be more in line with a younger toddler.  I mean, language is generally what mediates dramatic play.  And even constructive play, to a lesser extent.  You don't usually expect young toddlers to play by themselves much.  They just aren't good at it.  They can't get lost in that world.  It's not really until they get a bit older that they play a lot more independently.  I would seriously introduce him to activities like hammering golf tees into pumpkins, putting toothpicks into a parmesan cheese shaker, coping buildings, using a screwdriver, scrubbing toy dinosaurs with a toothbrush.  Etc. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm amazed there are three year olds who are great at entertaining themselves.  Neither of mine were. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think possibly if you have more children it becomes a necessity and maybe they entertain each other?  No clue.

 

I remember watching a mom and her several adopted children.  Even the very young ones would file into the room and hang up their coats themselves immediately, helping those in the group who were too short to reach.  My kids just threw their coats at me.  LOL

 

 

[AnthemLights]

I wasn't so much thinking that the toys might be too old for him as that your EXPECTATIONS might need to be more in line with a younger toddler.  I mean, language is generally what mediates dramatic play.  And even constructive play, to a lesser extent.  You don't usually expect young toddlers to play by themselves much.  They just aren't good at it.  They can't get lost in that world.  It's not really until they get a bit older that they play a lot more independently.  I would seriously introduce him to activities like hammering golf tees into pumpkins, putting toothpicks into a parmesan cheese shaker, coping buildings, using a screwdriver, scrubbing toy dinosaurs with a toothbrush.  Etc. 

 

Okay that makes a lot of sense.  Especially the bolded.   I'm researching the term "Montessori"....tons of cool ideas.   :thumbup:

 

I was talking to a friend about this and her suggestion was that I find a 3-4 year old neighbor child to babysit.   :tongue_smilie:

[Katy]

Maybe try finger paint blobs sealed in a ziploc bag with a piece of paper inside, the whole thing taped to a table?  That's sensory.

 

How does he feel about playing in the pots and pans?  Sandboxes?  Jumping off big (low) rocks?

 

 

If he is developmentally at the level of an 18 month old, I'd think it would be well within the level of normal to not play independently very much.

[AnthemLights]

I think possibly if you have more children it becomes a necessity and maybe they entertain each other?  No clue.

 

I remember watching a mom and her several adopted children.  Even the very young ones would file into the room and hang up their coats themselves immediately, helping those in the group who were too short to reach.  My kids just threw their coats at me.  LOL

 

I have three kiddos 2 to 3 years apart.  It seemed like they just played with each other, mostly.  Any my oldest was very independent.  If I wanted to play with her, fine.  If I didn't have the time, that was okay too.  She could either take it or leave it.  She was in incredibly easy child.  Still is...... :001_smile:

 

And she was a great help when the 2 younger ones came along.  I guess maybe that's part of my problem.  I don't ever remember having to entertain a child or invent things to keep them busy.  They were often there, underfoot, noisy, messy...but generally happy just playing by themselves or with each other.  

 

So maybe I am just spoiled.   :001_cool:

[SparklyUnicorn]

I have three kiddos 2 to 3 years apart.  It seemed like they just played with each other, mostly.  Any my oldest was very independent.  If I wanted to play with her, fine.  If I didn't have the time, that was okay too.  She could either take it or leave it.  She was in incredibly easy child.  Still is...... :001_smile:

 

And she was a great help when the 2 younger ones came along.  I guess maybe that's part of my problem.  I don't ever remember having to entertain a child or invent things to keep them busy.  They were often there, underfoot, noisy, messy...but generally happy just playing by themselves or with each other.  

 

So maybe I am just spoiled.   :001_cool:

 

That's the key though 2-3 years apart and three of them.  I have two.  They are almost 4 years apart in age, but probably more like 6 years apart in the ways that would matter for playing together.  They have never played together. 

Edited July 6, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[Artichoke]

Foster kiddo.  I literally know nothing about his background before he came to us.  We have had him for going on 4 months now.

 

My question - he doesn't play with toys.  Like ever.  Unless someone plays with him.  But otherwise no interest whatsoever.  When he first came we had nothing in the way of toys. My youngest is 11 and even he has more "grown up" interests.  So we stocked up on "stuff"....wooden blocks, big legos, a train set, books, puzzles, games, toy cars, trucks.

 

Now everything just sits there in totes.  Unless someones plays with him.  But is it too much to expect that he would play on his own?  Have I just not found something that he likes enough to play on his own?  I hate to keep buying stuff only to let it sit there.

 

The only thing that keeps him entertained independently is playing outside in gravel or mud or dirt.  :tongue_smilie:

 

I have three bio children of my own and I can't remember them ever needing to be entertained like he does.  Maybe I just had easier children? or maybe I am just not remembering right?   :sad:

 

Is there anything I can do to promote independent play?  How do your three year olds spend the day?

 

 

My dd as a toddler had zero interest in toys.  She spent her days on the go.  She would slow down for "tents" -- a sheet draped over two chairs.  She also liked her play kitchen.   She was the least likely to play on her own.   As bad as it sounds, I used to pay her older siblings to play with her.   As she got older, she did learn t play on her own. 

[freesia]

My oldest never could play by himself. I remember being 37 weeks pregnant and him telling me he wanted his little sister to be born so she could play with his toys with him. And you know what? He meant it. They have always gotten sling famously. My next two could play by themselves and my last has a harder time, I think it's personality.

Standing st the sink and playing with water was s huge it with the two of them, though.

[AnthemLights]

Maybe try finger paint blobs sealed in a ziploc bag with a piece of paper inside, the whole thing taped to a table?  That's sensory.

 

How does he feel about playing in the pots and pans?  Sandboxes?  Jumping off big (low) rocks?

 

 

If he is developmentally at the level of an 18 month old, I'd think it would be well within the level of normal to not play independently very much.

 

I like the ziploc paint ideas.  I am going to have to see if I can find a ton more suggestions like that online.  Sensory, but clean :tongue_smilie:

 

I am not sure where he is developmentally.  Does it necessarily follow that if his language is at 18, that his cognitive development (is that the right word?) would also be at 18?

 

We have an appointment with our local Early Intervention Program people.  Maybe they would be able to provide more insight.  

[Terabith]

I'm guessing cognitively he's above 18 months, but probably somewhere between there and his chronological age.  But dramatic play, in particular, is very mediated by and dependent upon language.  I'm guessing he is sort of all over the place, skill wise.  But in regards to independence and play skills, I would put my expectations at that 18 month age range and anything above that is a nice bonus. 

 

Having a 3-4 year old over to play/ babysit is a FANTASTIC idea. 

[SereneHome]

I'm amazed there are three year olds who are great at entertaining themselves.  Neither of mine were. 

 

My youngest was and still is.  Can "play" by himself no problem at all.  I think he takes it after me - doesn't really "need" people around.

 

OP - my youngest didn't play with toys for a long time.  He wanted books and puzzles.  Even when he was a baby.  That's all he wanted in his crib.  It was awesome, except for the part where he ruined a few books.

[fdrinca]

I have three kiddos 2 to 3 years apart.  It seemed like they just played with each other, mostly.  Any my oldest was very independent.  If I wanted to play with her, fine.  If I didn't have the time, that was okay too.  She could either take it or leave it.  She was in incredibly easy child.  Still is...... :001_smile:

 

And she was a great help when the 2 younger ones came along.  I guess maybe that's part of my problem.  I don't ever remember having to entertain a child or invent things to keep them busy.  They were often there, underfoot, noisy, messy...but generally happy just playing by themselves or with each other.  

 

So maybe I am just spoiled.   :001_cool:

 

I think it's the companionship more than anything.

 

Especially coming from an environment that would require foster care, I'd imagine the little one needs PEOPLE more than toys. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Sounds like he needs Occupational Therapy. As he is a foster child you should Be able to get funding for the therapy

[Ausmumof3]

When I had just my oldest ds he didn't play with toys that much until dd got old enough to play with him. They'd occasionally keep him busy for a little while but he'd rather do whatever I'm Doing. And my current 3 year old will play a little with toys but would much rather help cook.

 

One other thought a friend of a friend whose kids have some issues I think played beautifully with their four or five trains so she bought a big train set then they stopped playing with them completely. They were just overwhelmed with the quantity. I guess it's a realitively new thing for humans to have as many toys as kids do now - and some just aren't equipped to handle it. Heck I can't handle all my stuff right now! As with many adults hence Marie Kondo.

[Renai]

I like the ziploc paint ideas.  I am going to have to see if I can find a ton more suggestions like that online.  Sensory, but clean :tongue_smilie:

 

I am not sure where he is developmentally.  Does it necessarily follow that if his language is at 18, that his cognitive development (is that the right word?) would also be at 18?

 

We have an appointment with our local Early Intervention Program people.  Maybe they would be able to provide more insight.  

 

Imagination Tree has a ton of suggestions on her site. Here's a link to 40 fine motor activities, range of of age of activities is baby to 5 years: http://theimaginationtree.com/2013/09/40-fine-motor-skills-activities-for-kids.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+theimaginationtree%2FXyqA+%28The+Imagination+Tree%29. There's a lot more where that comes from.

 

And yes, at three, many children still don't play alone. There is still a lot of parallel play at this age, as in they play next to (near) someone, not necessarily doing the same thing though. And I also agree with a pp that suggested having him "parallel clean" with you while you pour language into him. I suggested the same with a mom who cleaned houses for a living and said her child would sit off by himself. In class, he had a hard time with language (mom said he was a quiet kid) and with imaginative play. I told her to just let him know what she was doing (I'm using Windex on the windows because it gets them clean without leaving streaks...). Just pour in language. I noted, and confirmed with, the mom must have taken the suggestion because the child's language exploded, and so did his play. 

 

I'll also say that for some kids, open-ended play is hard. I've had 4-5 year olds that couldn't figure out what to do with materials without a lot of guided play first. I imagine in his case, there are a lot of factors (language, age, developmental age, background, etc.) that are involved with his non-interest in toys.

[Hilltopmom]

Is he getting special Ed or speech services? Has he had a full eval or just speech?

 

His therapists can work on play skills & give you ideas too.

 

Is this your first Foster child?

You're going to find that typically, all developmental levels (play, speech, self help, etc) are delayed from years of neglect/ abuse/ trauma/ & lack of access to books, toys, age appropriate experiences.

 

Definately back up your expectations. But yeah, some kids just are not that into toys, but especially if they didn't grow up with them. Go for sensory activities indoors (Google for many ideas).

 

Try toys for younger kids with buttons to press for cause & effect (like those v tech talking/ music ones). And/ or- just give him some old phones & what not to play around with:)

 

Active toys may work better than imaginative toys for independent play. things like a mini trampoline, tunnel to crawl through, balance board, etc.

 

Start with aiming for 5 min of independent play & work up from there.

Also, my older kids have always helped entertain the youngers when I needed to work with out "helpers".

 

Good luck with your EI eval. If he's almost 3, he will be ageing out of EI & transitioning to preschool services through the school district (not necessarily at school, they can still come to your home like with EI).

Edited July 6, 2016 by Hilltopmom

[City Mouse]

My DS has never liked to do anything by himself and even at 14 he prefers to have other people around. I can't tell you just how much "stuff" we had for him that he would not play with on his own. He did not even watch tv by himself.

[domestic_engineer]

My three suggestions for indoor activities:

(1)  Kinetic Sand!!

It never dries out & it collects on itself.  It's a little messy but pretty easy to clean up.

Oftentimes construction vehicles and/or hot wheels get added in the mix.  Occasionally plastic dinosaurs.  

 

(2)  Large cardboard boxes.  

That's what Amazon is for, isn't it?!?  Once the olders imagine a use for it, then perhaps the younger will mimic it on his own.

 

(3)  An old digital camera that really works.

 

My kids are less interested with traditional toys, too.  I hope you find what works for your family!

 

Edited July 6, 2016 by domestic_engineer

[AnthemLights]

This is our first foster and yes it has been a steep learning curve, but very rewarding.  He is such an incredible child.  

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and guidance.  You're all awesome.  :thumbup:

[umsami]

I wonder if it's possible to get a play therapist to work with him?  Or an art therapist?

 

Sensory bins are fun.  You can just use a dish pan or any sort of plastic box.  Rice, beans, etc. as long as he won't try and eat them.

 

It also sounds like he might enjoy Montessori-style practical work type things.  Can you get him a small sized dustpan and broom, etc.?

 

Can you "assign" your kids play periods with him for 10 minutes at a time once per day?

 

This website may have some ideas http://www.play-therapy.com/

Edited July 6, 2016 by umsami

[purplejackmama]

Surely part of his unwillingness to play alone is attachment issues, right? I have had exactly one psychology course 20 years ago but the little guy probably just wants to be around people who love him. I get it.

[Hilltopmom]

This is our first foster and yes it has been a steep learning curve, but very rewarding. He is such an incredible child.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and guidance. You're all awesome. :thumbup:

Welcome to the club, then:)

[AnthemLights]

Surely part of his unwillingness to play alone is attachment issues, right? I have had exactly one psychology course 20 years ago but the little guy probably just wants to be around people who love him. I get it.

I have had exactly zero psychology courses, so you are one up on me.  :tongue_smilie:

 

This conversation has been very enlightening.  

 

See, I was assuming that a child who had very little in the way of things (totally guessing here, but I would say very likely) would enjoy toys, but maybe it's the opposite.  Maybe if you are not used to having much, you learn to do without?

 

Definitely yes on the attachment issues...his 2 favorite phrases are "hold me" and "sit lap".   :001_smile:

[ChocolateReignRemix]

This is our first foster and yes it has been a steep learning curve, but very rewarding.  He is such an incredible child.  

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and guidance.  You're all awesome.  :thumbup:

 

:wub:

[sarahmama]

Could you look into getting a toddler baby carrier? They have a variety that make it possible for me to still wear my large 3 year old, and would allow him to be with you(feeling safe attached, getting more holding in) without him being in the way. My 18 month old is also big on helping so going back to having a cupboard for your little guy with kid safe stuff like plastic ware that he can play in while you do stuff in the kitchen might help.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[zoobie]

Some kids never like to play alone. Two of mine don't play kid stuff unless there's another kid or adult playing as a child. My oldest plays more with little kid toys with her much-younger siblings than she ever did on her own. You've got to consider the child's temperament as well as anything complicating the picture. He's got some developmental concerns and attachment issues. You can encourage some independence without it being punitive. Give "projects" that allow him to work independently along side of you, even if they're not actually helpful. ;) Look at Montessori child philosophy. Set up things at his level. He may prefer "work" over "play." Montessori calls child activities work, and that puts some people off, so I'm putting it in quotes. It's not horrible, taking advantage of child labor type of work. Cutting bananas with a banana cutter to prepare his own snack. Cleaning up the table after eating snack. Laying out the placemat, napkin, fork, and water glass for lunch. Eating lunch, then cleaning up the table afterwards. Sweep under the table with child-sized whisk and dustpan. Everything has a process and routine, which is very comforting. The adult is there to guide the child, but the goal is to set up the environment so the child can function independently. You can still do lots of laps and cuddles, but you want to build up the child's sense of self. It's been too many years since my child development work to be eloquent here. :)

 

You said language delay. I have a good friend whose son has apraxia. The warning bells started for her around 18 mos-2 because he played differently from other kids. Her ped (and her friends) didn't see anything and thought it was within the realm of normal, but she knew. She trusted her gut and yep, it was apraxia. He's had tons of speech therapy and play therapy. He had to be taught how to play imaginatively. Dyspraxia is another processing issue that can affect play. Quote from a random googled article (http://tomatismethod.org/Praxis.php) that explains what I'm talking about:  Ideation Praxis involves three processes: (1) ideation, having an "idea" of what to do, (2) organization, creating an internal plan of action, and (3) execution. Ideation is one's ability to generate an idea of how one might interact with an object or the environment. If an individual has no idea what to do with an object, s/he cannot play or "interact" with that object. Individuals with dyspraxia often wander a room full of toys, pausing briefly to push buttons or manipulate an object, yet never engaging in creative play: they literally have no idea what to do with each object. Ideation is a cognitive process believed to be largely dependent upon the brain's ability to respond properly to sensory input. 

 

[Ottakee]

Just for perspective, one goal we had for our 11 year old foster son for last summer was to play by himself for 10-15 minutes. You are doing great and things will.come in time.

[Farrar]

I just wanted to chip in... I think it's okay to institute a quiet time when he has to be alone barring disaster. We did this for years and began doing it before my kids turned 3. They never chose to play alone but they needed it to be enforced. They were always happier and refreshed afterward. Yes, at the start, there was some fussing, but nothing major and within a few days they learned to like it. Board books, big blocks, toddler proofed rooms, gated doors. And, honestly, I lived for that hour every day when they were 3-4 yo. They didn't nap. It was such a necessity for everyone's sanity.

[Murphy101]

He sounds like a perfectly normal 18mo to 3 yr old to me. Normal is such a wide span.

 

He is a foster child, so being either anti-social or hyper-social is a natural reaction to feeling abandoned and unsettled, and it might not ever change no matter what you do. Or lots of time, like a year or so, it might change. He isn't going to adjust as quickly as you or as you think he should.

 

I think you are also discounting that your bio children had each other to entertain vs just you. He doesn't have that on the same level they probably did.

 

And really, if he has a speech delay, probably the worst thing to do would be to encourage alone time. The more time he spends around you and others, the more his language skills are likely to improve. It could be that he actually craves being around people bc he is craving communication connectivity more than play. Which isn't exactly something a little one can articulate even when they are at a typical 3 yr old speech ability.

 

I wouldn't do the chair and book thing. It sounds sad and I wouldn't want to develop a connection to reading with doing something he dislikes and might even feel is some random punishment for being overly affectionate or needy.

[Murphy101]

I have had exactly zero psychology courses, so you are one up on me. :tongue_smilie:

 

This conversation has been very enlightening.

 

See, I was assuming that a child who had very little in the way of things (totally guessing here, but I would say very likely) would enjoy toys, but maybe it's the opposite. Maybe if you are not used to having much, you learn to do without?

 

Definitely yes on the attachment issues...his 2 favorite phrases are "hold me" and "sit lap". :001_smile:

It could be that he learned to do without, or still views them as not really his, or he could just be overwhelmed by all the options.

 

Maybe just have 1-3 things out at once, near where you are, and encourage him to use them while you do something else.

 

Plastic bowls and wooden spoons in a cabinet you pull open for him while you do dishes. Something else in the living area while you fold laundry. That kind of thing might be more engaging than actual toys, it sure was for most of my little ones. The box the toys came in was always more interesting than the toy.