If you and your mate have come to different political views UPDATE #161

[Scarlett]

That's true, but that is also not much of a relationship. That's house mates who sleep with each other. Plus it's just not acceptable to me to appear to agree when I do not. Smaller matters, I can let those blow by. But if he says, "The moon is made of green cheese; I know it for a fact!" I cannot says, "Yes, dear. I heard that, too."

 

 

You could tell him that his continued badgering of you on this issue is destroying your love for him.  

[HRAAB]

We stayed off, more or less, together, and our political changes have followed similar lines. We are not always in agreement; we have voted for different candidates on occasion. I will discuss ideas, but I will not argue with him. Not that arguing would do any good since he doesn't argue. It's not something we have to agree on in every instance. Thankfully this year we are in total agreement.

[Bluegoat]

That's true, but that is also not much of a relationship. That's house mates who sleep with each other. Plus it's just not acceptable to me to appear to agree when I do not. Smaller matters, I can let those blow by. But if he says, "The moon is made of green cheese; I know it for a fact!" I cannot says, "Yes, dear. I heard that, too."

 

No, I don't think that.  You can have a significant healthy relationship with someone and have a particular topic be off the table for one reason or another.  One wouldn't want it to be too many things, sure, but just politics?

 

Really, I think we should remember that marriage is, we hope, something that will be permanent, and in that it has some features more similar to blood relationships than just friendship.  Chances are in a relationship that lasts 20 years or more, there will be some serious differences in POV - things that never came up before, someone changed views on, or became more passionate about. 

 

The ability to accommodate those things isn't opposed to a healthy marriage, its integral to it.

[Pam in CT]

It's not stonewalling to redirect when someone else is badgering.

 

I do think he sees it as a problem because he has such a negative view of the future of our country. So, therefore if I am not being part of the "solution," then I am part of the problem, KWIM?

I do think he enjoys the argument, though, certainly much more than I do. Peace is my middle name. I hate conflict.

I am upset that he does not respect my POV; that he doesn't (it seems) believe that I can intelligently and reasonably come to a conclusion that is opposite his on a given issue. This morning, he said I need to vote for Candidate X. I said no, I am never voting for that person. If I don't, says he, I throw my vote away. I say my vote is for a candidate I can support and it can affect the outcome however it affects the outcome. Well, he says, if this candidate does become our party representative, you HAVE to vote for that candidate. I say, no, I will not. I will not vote for a candidate whom I do not support; not for primary, not for general. So, I don't care, he says, about the future of this country, because if (so-and-so), it is (all going to hell in a picnic basket). This will happen, that will happen, the Apocalyse is coming.

I can't stand it.

 

That's not OK.

 

 

I agree with the several pp who suggest ditching the morning news chat (which otherwise sounds lovely in normal times, BTW) for the duration of the election.  You could try suggesting something else as a substitute (a morning walk? a fitness date?).  If he asks, just tell him, you're badgering me, it's not fun anymore, it's not working for me.  Once we get to the other side, we'll try again!

[SproutMamaK]

This just sounds like a problem about his complete lack of respect for you. I would talk about it with him, but I wouldn't talk about politics aside from it being the framework in which this is happening.

"I feel that you have been treating me with a huge amount of sarcasm, disrespect, and even scorn lately. I am tired of it. I spend this time with you because I love you and I want this time to beneficial to our relationship, and you are deliberately sabotaging that by taking this time I set aside for you and using it treat me like an idiot and belittle. We do not have to agree on everything, but if you cannot be respectful to me when we disagree, I think it is best for us to stop having this time together until you learn how to control yourself, because for the time being your attitude towards me is destroying our relationship. If you will not be an adult about this, I will be, by taking myself out of your line of fire. Let me know if you are willing to work on this with me in a mutually respectful way. Until then, I will walk away when you start your crap/not be watching the news & having coffee with you/doing other things in the mornings." Or something to that effect.

I agree, it's not stonewalling, it's calling him out on crappy behaviour and not giving him a platform to continue to act that way. You're not saying you refuse to listen to him; quite the contrary, you've said several times that you WANT to liten to him because you want to be respectful of him! He's just not giving you that same courtesy, and he needs that spelled out for him explicitly. Stand up for yourself, because he sounds like he doesn't realize how bad he's gotten and he won't back down until he has to.

[MotherGoose]

Look up Marley Matlin and James Carvel (could be off with the spellings there). They are an extreme example of this. They both are very well known on opposite sides of the aisle but they are married with a few children. I think if they can do it then certainly there is hope for everyone else in this situation.

 

I have friends and family that are opposite of me, but not my spouse. We were both rather political when we met so it has never been an issue for us. If anything we now lean more towards where we were going.

I always loved seeing them interact back in the Clinton days. I think she referred to him as the "snake head," but in a loving way. :). DH and I agree now but there have been times when we didn't. I'd quit watching all the rhetoric and news stuff and agree to disagree, and try to accept in your heart that he's a good man with well thought out opinions, and refuse to discuss it further.

[redsquirrel]

I think it can be addressed by taking politics out of it and treating like you would any other disagreement. Do you have basic ground rules for how you handle a disagreement? Expectations for how you will speak to each other? I am sure over the years you have both made choices, minor and major, that the other did not agree with, but managed to live with it.  So, bring it back to something like that.

 

All of that said, I have known a few people who have told me that they tell their partner one thing but vote how they like.  It is a private ballot after all.

 

 

[J-rap]

If it was starting to impact our marriage, then I think I would make a pact to not discuss politics with each other -- including little side comments while watching the news.  I also think it's important to keep reminding each other that both parties are far from perfect and will always be broken.  

 

As a Christian, I like to remind myself that we are of God's country, stationed in a foreign land, serving a different king and kingdom.  Jesus made his own political impact simply by how he lived and loved.  I don't usually "talk Scripture" on this board, but I found that I myself was getting so wrapped up in politics that it was making me feel very angry and uncomfortable!  (Partly because we align ourselves with the political party that is not the typical conservative Christian political party.)  

 

 

Or, you can always tell him that he can share his views for as long as he is giving you a back rub or foot massage.   When he stops that, then he has to stop talking.   :)

 

[EmseB]

That's true, but that is also not much of a relationship. That's house mates who sleep with each other. Plus it's just not acceptable to me to appear to agree when I do not. Smaller matters, I can let those blow by. But if he says, "The moon is made of green cheese; I know it for a fact!" I cannot says, "Yes, dear. I heard that, too."

But political opinions are not the same as facts, and political disagreements can be put aside if they are causing strife in a relationship, even marriage.

 

Honestly, I grew up with a badgerer, and that is the issue I'd be tackling, not the difference in opinion on politics. To me, it sounds like you might want to be correct on the politics as much as he does so you guys get into it. The need to be right is what causes arguments that gradually destroy a relationship, not necessarily the topics themselves. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I know there are a couple of areas where I've said, "I know you disagree with me, but I really think we shouldn't talk about this anymore because we're both trying too hard to be right instead of being loving to each other." Actually, now I can think of one issue and I will absolutely not change dh's mind and it is frustrating and so we don't talk about it. It's not a wedge between us, it's just an agreement to disagree and not drive each other crazy going in circles over it.

 

At least it is just politics and not something where you're trying to decide what to do with a kid, or a health issue, or something that requires a concrete decision that someone has to concede on.

Edited April 19, 2016 by JodiSue

[El...]

It is ok, IMO, to tell a spouse, "You are being mean.  I'm done talking to you for now."

[OneStepAtATime]

And let's not name names or hint at names so this thread can stay open, please.

 

This is really pretty bad at the moment, in part due to this despicable political climate this year. Our state votes next week. DH and I are arguing this morning, not an unusual occurrence regarding this subject. When we got married, neither of us were particularly political. We were of a similar mind, but not passionate about any side. That has changed over time.

 

We consume different news and it has shaped us in different directions. I cannot vote for who he says he will vote for, not remotely possible. So, in his eyes, I will "throw my vote away." It's really bothering me. There can be nothing more stupid than fighting with DH about "the direction of our country." Our country will be what it will be; it really should not influence the peace in our home.

 

I guess I am just looking for others who are in this same boat. I am so sick of this election and cannot stand the thought that we have to listen to this idiocy for five more months or whatever.

 

This IS a very challenging political year and people that would normally not even care that much about politics are frequently getting more pasionate about it.  I am so sorry this is causing difficulties in your household.

 

My DH and I have different political views. We pretty much live by the board rules and try not to bring it up. This is also how my parents work out their political differences.

 

Remember, the only vote that is considered "thrown away" is the that wasn't cast at all. Your voice will be heard even if the majority in your state votes differently.

Remember this and keep it with you, in your head.  Whether your DH will agree or not, this is a very true statement.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

But political opinions are not the same as facts, and political disagreements can be put aside if they are causing strife in a relationship, even marriage.

 

Honestly, I grew up with a badgerer, and that is the issue I'd be tackling, not the difference in opinion on politics. To me, it sounds like you might want to be correct on the politics as much as he does so you guys get into it. The need to be right is what causes arguments that gradually destroy a relationship, not necessarily the topics themselves. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I know there are a couple of areas where I've said, "I know you disagree with me, but I really think we shouldn't talk about this anymore because we're both trying too hard to be right instead of being loving to each other." Actually, now I can think of one issue and I will absolutely not change dh's mind and it is frustrating and so we don't talk about it. It's not a wedge between us, it's just an agreement to disagree and not drive each other crazy going in circles over it.

 

At least it is just politics and not something where you're trying to decide what to do with a kid, or a health issue, or something that requires a concrete decision that someone has to concede on.

Agreed.

[Robin M]

I agree with Pam. We have pulled the plug on tv and radio news. My hubby and I dont always agree politically and yes we have voted differently. We discuss our views, however when it gets heated, that is where we stop. We are both adults and entitled to our opinions. I think that would bother me, if he judged me based on a decision how to vote politically. We were on the opposite sides of the fence politically when we married but I told him I wouldn't hold that against him. We would just have to agree to disagree and fighting about it just ridiculous as my life doesn't revolve around politics. It is a very minor part and don't blow it up to be bigger than it is. Our views have aligned over the years but we occasionally surprise each other. Topics are open to discourse but we each have to respect the other. I stopped watching the news first a few years back, not liking all the negativity and how it affected us. He followed suit later and life is so much better. I know this election is important but for you and hubby, it's time to back away. All the news can do is make one angry, especially with all the divisiveness and bullying and negativity. None of what they have to say is constructive.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'll just say I am looking forward to election season being over.

 

 

[texasmama]

I could have written the OP.  We mostly don't talk about it because it almost never goes well.  He is one extreme, though we are in the same general "party", if you will.  I am more in the apolitical camp.  

 

This year has been difficult.  He and I may end up voting differently, which has never happened in spite of our many differences through the years.  I have chosen a mountain to die on this round.

[texasmama]

FYI, he listens to talk radio, but neither of us watch the news and certainly not together.  

[hornblower]

I'm a poli sci grad, live and breathe politics and have voted in every single thing I could which is a lot of municipal, provincial and federal elections + several referendums. 

Only once do I know for SURE that we voted on the same side. It was a referendum and marked a unique moment in our lives: we actually agreed upon and had a lawn sign!  LOL 

The rest of the time I suspect we're voting for different candidates but we don't really argue about politics though. Sometimes it's because we both agree that a certain situation is wrong - we just disagree on how to fix it. So we bond over how wrong things are & then go merrily on our way.  

I do keep challenging him to take those political compass quizzes because I KNOW he's often not voting the way he SHOULD be according to what he actually believes. I know he's wrong. He knows I know he's wrong. I have been wearing him down & budging him to my side :p 

I think I'd have a hard time being or staying married to someone who was really really not on the same page on many issues. Politics isn't abstract to me. It affects my daily life, where I put my efforts, the society I believe in, the values I express. It goes beyond voting for a specific candidate (or even a specific party - sometimes they're all just flavours of vanilla). If it's actual huge differences on world view, that would be a huge strain in a relationship. 

[Guest]

When we married, we were the same.  Then for about 15 years, he switched views, and so basically, we voted to cancel each other out.  We didn't talk much about it, but kept a light touch.  Now he is more my way than *I* am.  We still don't talk about it much.  Most of the time, it ends up just restating what has already been stated, and I have come to value quietness over repetitive position-stating, of any kind.  

 

I'm this way with my mom, too.  She is a politics HOUND--eats it up--and is very well informed and educated and states her positions based on principles.  So if I were going to listen to anyone and hear something interesting, I'd talk to her.  But I just don't care for talking politics.  

[Guest]

But political opinions are not the same as facts, and political disagreements can be put aside if they are causing strife in a relationship, even marriage.

 

Honestly, I grew up with a badgerer, and that is the issue I'd be tackling, not the difference in opinion on politics. To me, it sounds like you might want to be correct on the politics as much as he does so you guys get into it. The need to be right is what causes arguments that gradually destroy a relationship, not necessarily the topics themselves. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I know there are a couple of areas where I've said, "I know you disagree with me, but I really think we shouldn't talk about this anymore because we're both trying too hard to be right instead of being loving to each other." Actually, now I can think of one issue and I will absolutely not change dh's mind and it is frustrating and so we don't talk about it. It's not a wedge between us, it's just an agreement to disagree and not drive each other crazy going in circles over it.

 

At least it is just politics and not something where you're trying to decide what to do with a kid, or a health issue, or something that requires a concrete decision that someone has to concede on.

Well, I agree with the bolded, but he is viewing many political issues as FACTS, so for me to disagree is, to him, putting my head in the sand. I see how he adopts the views he hears on the news station he listens to and he will spout the propaganda de jour. He does think these are facts, and that is part of why these arguments are getting so heated.

 

Re: me wanting to be correct - mostly, I want him to be objective. I don't care if he agrees with me on most issues or not. What I don't like is his unwillingness to be objective. When a candidate whom he doesn't like does/says XYZ, he goes insane over it. When the candidate he likes does/says the same thing, he happily goes along with whatever excuse he has heard to explain the behaviour or sound bite.

 

One weekend, we were away at our vacation cottage and there is no TV there; he consumed no news. But during that weekend, a "big story" thing happened. I knew about it because I saw it in my on-line news feed. But he didn't have any opinion on the matter until the following week, after he had heard his media outlet view on it. This is what I don't like. He obtains very biased news but he thinks it's All Those Other People who are hearing the biased news. So I guess that his his frustration with me - I am being one of those Other People and therefore, I know nothing/don't know the truth/whatever.

[Bluegoat]

Ugh, i would have no patience for that, TBH, and I would probably say something indelicate about it.  As In I'd say "I don't take a damn thing you say seriously because you are just spouting the propaganda you have heard on station XYZ.  Show me some evidence of original thought and I might talk to you."

 

In general, cutting out tv news and talk radio is really good for anyone's political perspective.

[Guest]

I think it can be addressed by taking politics out of it and treating like you would any other disagreement. Do you have basic ground rules for how you handle a disagreement? Expectations for how you will speak to each other? I am sure over the years you have both made choices, minor and major, that the other did not agree with, but managed to live with it. So, bring it back to something like that.

 

All of that said, I have known a few people who have told me that they tell their partner one thing but vote how they like. It is a private ballot after all.

No, honestly we don't have a "good" way of disagreeing and we both had dysfunctional role models for handling disagreement. Once in a while, a third option presents itself, and so that is how some disagreements resolve; i.e. he wants white carpet, I want grey, but there is a tan we can both accept. Not really a Win-Win - an imperfect compromise. There have been major issues on which we disagreed, where one person could only win at the expense of another. I "won" wanting to homeschool. He "won" on only having three (living) kids.

[mamiof5]

I'm sorry it's causing tension in your marriage. Dh and I are on the same boat, so it's never been an issue. What makes us sad is that for first time ever we don't have anyone to vote for :(

[TranquilMind]

And let's not name names or hint at names so this thread can stay open, please.

 

This is really pretty bad at the moment, in part due to this despicable political climate this year. Our state votes next week. DH and I are arguing this morning, not an unusual occurrence regarding this subject. When we got married, neither of us were particularly political. We were of a similar mind, but not passionate about any side. That has changed over time.

 

We consume different news and it has shaped us in different directions. I cannot vote for who he says he will vote for, not remotely possible. So, in his eyes, I will "throw my vote away." It's really bothering me. There can be nothing more stupid than fighting with DH about "the direction of our country." Our country will be what it will be; it really should not influence the peace in our home.

 

I guess I am just looking for others who are in this same boat. I am so sick of this election and cannot stand the thought that we have to listen to this idiocy for five more months or whatever.

We've always been political but apart on views, to a degree.  This year, we are both actually voting for the same candidate for the first time. 

So yeah, we argue, for fun.  No one gets angry. 

[TranquilMind]

I'm sorry it's causing tension in your marriage. Dh and I are on the same boat, so it's never been an issue. What makes us sad is that for first time ever we don't have anyone to vote for :(

 

What's new?  We almost never have had anyone to vote for.  We always end up just picking the least objectionable. 

[purplejackmama]

Quill, I think this is honestly a great place to be. I know that sounds crazy because spouse fighting ranks right up there with root canals. BUT, at least you care. My hubby and I are so apathetic it's borderline cynicism. Neither of us care because we don't see anything (anyone?) who can fix the system.

 

So I say bravo to y'all! I mean you said you still even watch the news?! That's impressive. We need more of you, people who are passionate and engaged.

[Nan in Mass]

It seems like the real problem for you is that your husband is behaving in a way that is making it hard for you to continue to respect him. If you were to cut politics out of your lives, that imperfection in your husband would not be as obvious and you might be better able to focus on his strengths and the areas in which you do respect and admire him, but his obsession with politics makes this difficult for you to do. It seems like his obsession and tone with you is probably being driven by fear. If there were a hurricane coming and you refused to believe it and refused to help him pack up and evacuate, he would probably address you with the same sort of frustration, and he would be equally unlikely to stop badgering you about helping to save the family by evacuating, and equally likely to continue to track the hurricane and watch it bearing down on you all with horror. The solution is to ease your husband's fears so he can stop panicking and trying to get you to help him save the world, I think. I'm not sure how you can do that. If you can't do that, I guess you have to try to continue to focus on the admirable things about your husband and forgive him for his blind spot, and much more difficult to do, convince him to do the same thing in regard to your "blind spot", because your inability to panick over the impending hurricane is making it hard for him to continue to respect you, too. And it is really hard to love a spouse that you don't respect. I guess if it were me, I would tell my husband that I understand that he is upset that I can,t see the hurricane coming and that I am really really sorry that I am being so silly but I can,t help it and I am really grateful that I can trust him enough to be honest about that with him, and that I am scared to death that he will stop loving me because I am being stupid about this, to please keep loving me anyway. And I would keep saying it and letting him know that I am trying to believe him about this but that it just doesn,t make sense to me and that really upsets me so please can we talk about something else, something about which I appear more intelligent? Then I would pray hard that we made it through the election ok and that my husband would be less scared afterwards. That isn't really a very good solution, but that is what I would do. Hopefully, someone else can think up a better way.

 

Hugs,

Nan

[mamiof5]

What's new? We almost never have had anyone to vote for. We always end up just picking the least objectionable.

Dh and I have had options before, an option that we feel OK with. Not this year.

[Guest]

I am fine with thelling him I do not want to talk about politics, period. I might try that. I'll chanel SWB. Can I get a forum moderator to come to our house every morning? There will be coffee.

 

I have thought before about quitting the morning ritual, but it strikes me as moving AWAY from the marriage. Like a step towards divorce. This is the only time we hang out together without kids that almost always happens. We don't go to bed together anymore; he comes to bed long after I am asleep. We used to take walks sometimes with the dog, but the dog died and it is not really a "way" anymore. This was a good way to talk about big things without kids and without so much tension. Walking while talking diffuses negative energy.

 

Anyway, so I think if I either announce, or don't announce but just do something else during that time, it is a very bad turn for our marriage. It is our Staff Meeting in a way. It is a time to co-ordinate the week and logistics and issues with family or the kids. Also, I assist in his business, so this is also a time when we can bring each other up to speed on those things.

 

I have suggested before completely pulling the plug on TV for a multitude of reasons, but he points back to the same things like sports events that he doesn't want to live without. It is one of the things I like most about our vacation home - no TV. Nobody spends any time at all in front of the TV.

[creekland]

I do think he sees it as a problem because he has such a negative view of the future of our country. So, therefore if I am not being part of the "solution," then I am part of the problem, KWIM?

 

I do think he enjoys the argument, though, certainly much more than I do. Peace is my middle name. I hate conflict.

 

I am upset that he does not respect my POV; that he doesn't (it seems) believe that I can intelligently and reasonably come to a conclusion that is opposite his on a given issue. This morning, he said I need to vote for Candidate X. I said no, I am never voting for that person. If I don't, says he, I throw my vote away. I say my vote is for a candidate I can support and it can affect the outcome however it affects the outcome. Well, he says, if this candidate does become our party representative, you HAVE to vote for that candidate. I say, no, I will not. I will not vote for a candidate whom I do not support; not for primary, not for general. So, I don't care, he says, about the future of this country, because if (so-and-so), it is (all going to hell in a picnic basket). This will happen, that will happen, the Apocalyse is coming.

 

I can't stand it.

 

Interestingly enough, the news this morning had a person on it who mused that one of the most liked candidates in the race (separate poll) has been doing so poorly in the polling because way too many people have been convinced they're throwing their vote away if they vote for them.

 

Something is wrong with our system when the masses have become convinced of this (non) reality.

 

In this case, I'd stand up to him, rather than ignore him. Don't just say you can't vote for a candidate you don't support, explain why you support the other candidate more. If you sound more confident and assertive he may back off. By sounding like you are just settling he thinks he can change your mind. 

 

Some personalities need to be stood up to, or you end up resenting them. I know this because I can be one of those personalities (I know..I'm working on it). 

 

:iagree:  I stand up to folks who talk off sound bites.  At best, I convince them to look into things more (and yes, many have changed their minds once they've done so).  At worst, they learn not to talk with me about politics.  ;)

 

Hubby and I tend to vote the same way.  In local elections I now let him pick for both of us because he knows many of the local policies/issues affecting his job (and our income).  What is good for him is good for me.  In state or national elections we are able to talk about our opinions and why we hold them. There was once we disagreed, but that's no big deal.

 

 I cherish that and I wish the OP had that option too.  

 

Since you don't, Quill, my hard line at this point would go along with what many have suggested and tell him what an ____ he's being, so the topic is off limits as it's ruining your marriage.  If the apocalypse comes, so be it!

 

Truth be told, I think I'm switching parties after this election unless something changes... I was musing with a friend saying I guess I'd changed too much in my old age.  She mused back that no, we haven't changed.  Our party appears to be leaving us (time will tell, but...).  With that take on it, I have no regrets at all.

[creekland]

I have thought before about quitting the morning ritual, but it strikes me as moving AWAY from the marriage. 

 

How about radio?  Or going out for walks to stay in shape?

 

I agree that the talking/togetherness time is super important.

 

Best wishes to you.

 

Make sure he knows how important this is to your marriage.  Guys can be extremely clueless.

[Lady Marmalade]

The funny thing was that I actually thought DH and I were on the same page politically.  And then he made a really rude and anti-my-candidate comment on FB and I was like, whoa, where did THAT come from.

 

Then I proceeded to tell the kids that dad was moving out to the garage for the rest of the election season.  :lol:

 

I calmly explained my points, told him to stop listening to the wrong-leaning radio station he turns on, and in the end, he filled in the correct circle when we voted in our primary.  For some reason, I actually did need to remind him of things he's said in the past.  Seriously, these weren't little things that he and I were not seeing eye-to-eye on, AND we had totally agreed on them in the not-too-distant past.

 

A little redirection on my part and all is mostly well now.  

 

Reading some of the other comments, I think that he was also swayed a bit by the "voting for this person is a waste of a vote" spin by the media.  The week leading up to our primary, EVERY candidate had this come up and one point or another.  I was excited to get to vote in a primary where we still had a choice (usually by the time it gets to us, it's mostly decided) but after this year... I hope we never have to revisit the ugliness that was coming at us from all sides. 

[Alicia64]

I agree w/ dh in many ways, but he takes a harder line than I do.

 

And some things we flat don't agree on.

 

I just stay off the topic. He reads his sites and blogs and I read mine, and we just don't discuss.

 

I'm just thrilled that we're hand-in-glove when it comes to homeschooling!

 

Alley

[ktgrok]

I'm a poli sci grad, live and breathe politics and have voted in every single thing I could which is a lot of municipal, provincial and federal elections + several referendums. 

 

Only once do I know for SURE that we voted on the same side. It was a referendum and marked a unique moment in our lives: we actually agreed upon and had a lawn sign!  LOL 

 

The rest of the time I suspect we're voting for different candidates but we don't really argue about politics though. Sometimes it's because we both agree that a certain situation is wrong - we just disagree on how to fix it. So we bond over how wrong things are & then go merrily on our way.  

 

I do keep challenging him to take those political compass quizzes because I KNOW he's often not voting the way he SHOULD be according to what he actually believes. I know he's wrong. He knows I know he's wrong. I have been wearing him down & budging him to my side :p 

 

I think I'd have a hard time being or staying married to someone who was really really not on the same page on many issues. Politics isn't abstract to me. It affects my daily life, where I put my efforts, the society I believe in, the values I express. It goes beyond voting for a specific candidate (or even a specific party - sometimes they're all just flavours of vanilla). If it's actual huge differences on world view, that would be a huge strain in a relationship. 

 

I agree that it isn't abstract. I honestly can't imagine not discussing things like taxes, public services, social safety net, healthcare, educational funding, etc with my spouse. That's a lot of stuff that is in the politics basket. 

[mamiof5]

Finally had a chance to read more. Agree with others... just let him know that topic is not welcomed in your morning routine. Hope he chills a little bit and you can keep enjoying your morning time together. I would let him know though, that he hurt my feelings and I didn't appreciate the way he was conducting himself. And...I'd go for that foot massage, but while discussing different topics :)

[Carrie12345]

I agree that it isn't abstract. I honestly can't imagine not discussing things like taxes, public services, social safety net, healthcare, educational funding, etc with my spouse. That's a lot of stuff that is in the politics basket. 

 

Exactly.

 

Our initial disagreement about homeschooling came close to doing us in.  Not because I was for homeschooling and he was against it, but because I was freaking out over the fact that one of us was going to have to raise our children in a manner we believed to be potentially damaging.  (He never shuts up about homeschooling these days.  :sneaky2: )

 

If my spouse believed it should be illegal for blond men to be vegans or that every blue eyed woman should be forced to own a pet (come on, I'm trying real hard to keep this thread open,) and I dream of a world where people can eat whatever they want and remain pet-free if they prefer, we then have a serious interpersonal problem.

[goldberry]

The wasted vote thing is part of what's wrong with the primary timing system. People stop voting for someone they like because they "don't think" they can get the nomination.  But if everyone voted at one time and voted who they really liked, who knows what might happen?  It's just so dysfunctional.

[Reefgazer]

No, I don't agree with the bolded.  You can have a relationship where you can discuss many things, but not *that* thing, and there just has to be the discipline to not go there.  Spouses don't have to agree with each other, and issues are not politics or political aprties.  I think the more troubling matter is him belittling you for your beliefs, but that's a whole 'nother ball-o-wax.

That's true, but that is also not much of a relationship. That's house mates who sleep with each other. Plus it's just not acceptable to me to appear to agree when I do not. Smaller matters, I can let those blow by. But if he says, "The moon is made of green cheese; I know it for a fact!" I cannot says, "Yes, dear. I heard that, too."

 

Edited April 20, 2016 by reefgazer

[Scarlett]

The wasted vote thing is part of what's wrong with the primary timing system. People stop voting for someone they like because they "don't think" they can get the nomination. But if everyone voted at one time and voted who they really liked, who knows what might happen? It's just so dysfunctional.

Why yes. Yes it is. ðŸ˜

[Reefgazer]

Me neither.  For the first time since I have been voting (I am 53), I have no one in the major political parties I will vote for.  First time ever that I will either write in a vote or go to a minor party candidate.

Dh and I have had options before, an option that we feel OK with. Not this year.

 

[Farrar]

If I couldn't talk politics with dh it would make me crazy. We don't always agree, though we're not usually on different sides altogether.

 

I agree with those saying this isn't really about politics at all. It's about how he's being disrespectful of you and your opinions in general. It happens to be in the arena of politics, but knowing that he doesn't think you're intelligent enough to form your own opinions is hurtful across the board.

 

I don't know what the solution to that is, but I get why you wouldn't want to drop that morning ritual. It sounds really positive. I wonder if there's a conversation and news source that wouldn't be politically focused now. Like, could you watch BBC in the morning instead? I know that's totally the opposite of local though. And dropping or tweaking the morning media doesn't really solve the underlying problem, which is how he's treating you.

 

We've been so good about politics in this thread, I hope we don't cross the line into breaking a totally different board rule against spouse bashing, but I feel really frustrated on Quill's behalf. What a rotten thing to be treated like you can't think for yourself by your own spouse.

[brehon]

Ugh, i would have no patience for that, TBH, and I would probably say something indelicate about it. As In I'd say "I don't take a damn thing you say seriously because you are just spouting the propaganda you have heard on station XYZ. Show me some evidence of original thought and I might talk to you."

 

In general, cutting out tv news and talk radio is really good for anyone's political perspective.

I agree. Only I'd be even more indelicate and say something along the lines of "Stop being an ass! Think for yourself, don't repeat sound bites, and we'll talk."

[JFSinIL]

I was raised by Democrats in a very Republican area :-) (inland O.C., CA)  I remember after Dad voted for Carter (I am old) my sister and I were about the only kids in our high school who's folks had voted for him.  Hubby was raised by staunch Republicans in Chicago.  We have always cancelled each others vote out.  Now, though, the kids are all voting, too - and hubby is cranky that he has no candidate he feels happy about supporting, whilst his wife and four kids happily "feel the Bern".   We do NOT discuss politics at all though, to avoid hard feelings since we will never convince him to not vote as his parents would have, and we will never vote Republican.

Edited April 20, 2016 by JFSinIL

[Guest]

If I couldn't talk politics with dh it would make me crazy. We don't always agree, though we're not usually on different sides altogether.

 

I agree with those saying this isn't really about politics at all. It's about how he's being disrespectful of you and your opinions in general. It happens to be in the arena of politics, but knowing that he doesn't think you're intelligent enough to form your own opinions is hurtful across the board.

 

I don't know what the solution to that is, but I get why you wouldn't want to drop that morning ritual. It sounds really positive. I wonder if there's a conversation and news source that wouldn't be politically focused now. Like, could you watch BBC in the morning instead? I know that's totally the opposite of local though. And dropping or tweaking the morning media doesn't really solve the underlying problem, which is how he's treating you.

 

We've been so good about politics in this thread, I hope we don't cross the line into breaking a totally different board rule against spouse bashing, but I feel really frustrated on Quill's behalf. What a rotten thing to be treated like you can't think for yourself by your own spouse.

With the morning ritual, one thing he has done - and I think it was purely for me - was watch the news less on the weekends. He nearly always turns on cooking shows for our morning coffee on Saturdays and Sundays. This has only changed pretty recently; this year, I think. We both like watching cooking shows and the weekends rarely have as much "need" to know traffic patterns or weather. I very much doubt that he would do this for all weekday mornings, though, because he feels the need to be aware of what's going on too keenly. And there's the traffic/weather thing, which matters much more for his work during the week.

 

I do agree there is a respect issue at the heart of this, though this is the only arena where it shows up. (And I'm not sitting here virtuously professing I am respecting him on this subject, either. It's unlikely one behaves respectfully while one thinks the other is being obtuse.)

[Audrey]

This kind of thing can be as difficult as not being sympatico on religion.  For some people, political views are held as sacrosanct as faith is.  So, it can be tough if you and your spouse aren't on the same page. 

 

There's that saying about "agreeing to disagree," but that doesn't work with your spouse, your lover, your life mate.  I think that real damage can be done by arguing over politics, but then, if you are so far apart on the subject and don't discuss it, that can do real damage, too.

 

I don't have any pat answers because, frankly, there aren't any.  I am sorry that you are having a hard time, Quill.  I really sympathize.  I've always been passionate about politics -- not as passionate as I am about music or grammar ;) -- but over the years, my dh is not as involved and engaged as he once was.  That sometimes makes me a little sad, and sometimes makes me a little ticked off, but I have come to the compromise position that I can't and won't try to persuade my spouse politically or philosophically (include spirituality in that).  He's an individual and has a right to think and feel whatever he wants.  I do reserve the right to think he's an idiot or a jackass, but he hasn't gone that far off the deep end... yet. ;)

 

Humour helps, I think.

 

 

[texasmama]

Setting a boundary for me in this case would probably look like me getting up and leaving the room with my coffee when political stuff came on.  I would not spend my mornings chipping away at any positive feelings I had about my husband because of politics on the TV.  If he wants to watch politics on TV more than have peaceful coffee with you, he can choose that.  But you can opt out of it.  In this case, it sounds like discussing politics is more harmful to your marriage than not being able to discuss all topics.  My dh and I have several tricky topics in our marriage that we mostly avoid, and I don't see this as a problem.  We don't want to have the same 5 arguments over and over again for the next 30 years because some things are just not resolvable.  We need to save our energy for the important things, as we are in the big middle of rearing kids and caring for elderly relatives, etc.

[EMS83]

We're weird, I guess.  We've gotten less political over time.  The more the media tries to make us care, the less we do.  It's all just bread and circuses.  DH listens to news outlets he disagrees with to keep himself sharp.  I ignore all news outlets equally--literally, no radio, TV, email news feed, and I don't do social media (this is as close as it gets).  If I don't hear it from DH or someone else, I don't know about it.  I have strong opinions about the news media to begin with.  It's one of two industries I wish had crashed instead of banking.  Anyway, our views and leanings are similar on most subjects, but there are differences here and there.  But where we differ, we both are respectful of the other and can see the other's logic; we just embrace differing conclusions on a few issues.  I may not vote in the general this year.  I'm not going to vote just to vote, if I don't like my choices.

 

That's probably not helpful, I'm sorry.  I hope you can find a peaceable solution and put a little distance between yourselves and the boiling cauldron.

[HS Mom in NC]

If my husband told me, "You have to vote for..." I would respond with, "I don't have to anything but die. Everything else is a choice. Don't presume to tell me what I have to do-this isn't some medieval society where I'm your property or under your authority and I wasn't asking for your advice on how to vote." If he insisted on engaging me in politics I would stick with, "Why would I want to discuss politics with you?  You're rude, obnoxious and over-bearing about it. You want to talk politics?  Then talk to someone who can tolerate your nasty attitude. I'm not some doormat who's going to be verbally harassed for the sake of the marriage-that's crazy!" Can you tell I grew up with 3 older brothers and a mother who put up with absolutely no crap at all from anyone, ever?

 

I would be sooooo over the idea that somehow my marriage needed intimacy through political discussion. There are so many other ways to experience intimacy; pick anything else and let this one go.  Even people who like politics and agree with their spouses are having a hard time this election so we're all just going to have to cast our vote, (or opt out) hunker down, and cross our fingers.  Humanity as a whole has survived everything thrown at it so far so I'm betting we survive this election too.

For the record my husband actually said to me, "Do the research and tell me who to vote for" because we're so closely aligned politically and he can't stand politics.  We are no longer religiously aligned so we don't talk about spiritual things.  Do I miss that?  Yes. Did it dramatically transform the relationship?  Yes, in every way.  But people can adapt and rebuild a different relationship if they're willing to work at it.  

Neither of us knows who we're voting for or if we're voting for anyone at all at this point.

[HS Mom in NC]

On Jimmy Fallon's show he asked people to tweet their genius ideas and he read the best of them.  He saved the best for last, "There should be a 'none of the above' option during elections.  If that option wins a new election should be held with all new candidates."  It got a loud round of applause.

[Guest]

If my husband told me, "You have to vote for..." I would respond with, "I don't have to anything but die. Everything else is a choice. Don't presume to tell me what I have to do-this isn't some medieval society where I'm your property or under your authority and I wasn't asking for your advice on how to vote." If he insisted on engaging me in politics I would stick with, "Why would I want to discuss politics with you? You're rude, obnoxious and over-bearing about it. You want to talk politics? Then talk to someone who can tolerate your nasty attitude. I'm not some doormat who's going to be verbally harassed for the sake of the marriage-that's crazy!" Can you tell I grew up with 3 older brothers and a mother who put up with absolutely no crap at all from anyone, ever?

 

I would be sooooo over the idea that somehow my marriage needed intimacy through political discussion. There are so many other ways to experience intimacy; pick anything else and let this one go. Even people who like politics and agree with their spouses are having a hard time this election so we're all just going to have to cast our vote, (or opt out) hunker down, and cross our fingers. Humanity as a whole has survived everything thrown at it so far so I'm betting we survive this election too.

 

For the record my husband actually said to me, "Do the research and tell me who to vote for" because we're so closely aligned politically and he can't stand politics. We are no longer religiously aligned so we don't talk about spiritual things. Do I miss that? Yes. Did it dramatically transform the relationship? Yes, in every way. But people can adapt and rebuild a different relationship if they're willing to work at it.

 

Neither of us knows who we're voting for or if we're voting for anyone at all at this point.

Re: the bolded. I did not mean to give the impression (if I did) that I think we must talk about or agree on this subject to have a real relationship. That isn't what I meant when I said the thing earlier about being housemates. I meant pretending to agree - politics, or any subject - so there wouldn't be an argument.

 

I have no artifice whatsoever. If I don't agree with someone on some matter, I either say nothing (if politeness is essential) or I make a statement about my differing view (if it is someone I'm close to). But I don't give lip service to thinking X while internally, I definitely believe Y. So, really, there is no option that would have me feining agreement so he will quit badgering me.

 

I had a notion that I might buy a stuffed animal badger and if he starts making remarks that want a political response, I might just throw the badger at him.