If you and your mate have come to different political views UPDATE #161

[katilac]

High stress and panic make people sound funny, unlike their usual selves.  I don't think it will calm the situation down or relieve any tension for you to discuss the fact that he is sounding disrespectful.  He's got his head up and locked, in panic mode.  He isn't thinking straight, either about politics or yoiur relationship.  If you calmly tell him he is misbehaving, I don't think it will do anything but damage your relationship.  If you have a full blown temper tantrum complete with sobs over how you can't deal with politics at the moment, and how scared you are that it is going to drive the two of you apart, you might break through his panic and make an impression, sort of like when you do that with children who have done something way, way out of line, the sort of thing that sends you into a panic over both your parenting choices and everyone's future.  That isn't something you can do unless you truly are panicking, though, so that is out as an option.  What would you do if your husband were very sick and began doing what he is currently doing?  Rather than calling him names, you'd make allowances for his illness and just try to smooth things over until the time when he was in his right mind again.  Panicking people often are irrational and unable to reason.  (That's why anyone who wants to get people to do something unreasonable (like some news organizations) likes to stir up fear and panic.  But you know that.)  Anyway, I think your best option is to temporarily smooth things over and avoid conflict until you manage to shut down the source of the fear.  I think one of the attractions of fear-causing news programs is boredom.  Can you give him something else that is so exciting and absorbing that he is willing to stop being poisoned by his current news programs?

 

Nan

 

I really just cannot wrap my mind around the idea that calmly telling someone they are being disrespectful will cause long-term damage to a marital relationship, much less that it's unfortunate she can't have a genuine, sobbing tantrum. Maybe she shouldn't tell him what Wally and the Beav have been up to until after he's had his cocktail, either  :D

 

To me, it is always a bad idea to let people repeatedly treat you disrespectfully. Even if I bought into the idea of it being like a serious illness, that's not a free pass to treat me badly, and I believe it's equally as bad for them. Of course you extend grace for the occasional stress-induced remark, no matter what the cause, but I don't think it does either person any favors to continually accept and deflect.

 

And I do have experience with the exact scenario of a very sick person treating me badly. Confronting the issue was good for both of us - she was a good person who, yes, was panicking, but certainly didn't want to be treating people badly. Ignoring it would not have helped her, and I think it's disrespectful in its own way to treat someone as though they are so incapable of understanding or changing that you just ignore their bad behavior.  

 

I also wouldn't count on his thoughts and feelings changing with the end of the election cycle. I can't be the only one with a family member who's been like that for 20 or 30 years already! 

[umsami]

If it wasn't for a certain party's Presidential candiates talk on Muslims, we'd probably be differenet parties.  For DH, that trumps everything. (No pun intended.)

 

I will say that it was interesting watching him during the first election he was eligible to vote for.  He didn't think that "they" would let Obama win....because he's black, because of his name, etc.   He grew up in a country where the President won 99% of the vote...because often he was the only candidate.  If you ran against the President, you'd get thrown in jail.   There was a revolution in Egypt...and then they had their first and only democratic election.  Of course, another coup came after that....and the military resumed power.  Still, appreciate your right to vote.  Appreciate the fact that there are other candidates, even if you don't agree with them at all.  Not everybody has that right. 

[Guest]

This is kind of an update:

 

We discussed this a little bit today. He was at the office with me around noon, making up estimates. I can't remember how it segued into this, but I said something like, "...yeah, as long as we don't have to discuss politics." And then I talked to him about the dogmatic statements of opinion and how they affect me. He revealed that he's not really "telling" me, looking to debate the matter, he's just sort of talking back to the TV person. I said something like, "Well, still...I mean do you not realize I might think differently about the matter? Does it just not matter what I think; you're not interested to know?" No, he said, of course he cares what I think. He said he doesn't notice himself doing that. I told him I would be happy to point it out. ;)

 

I brought up the example from this morning. I said, "I didn't say anything this morning, but did you consider that I might also have an opinion on this subject and that it is different from yours?" Hmmm. He didn't realize he was doing that.

 

I feel good about this discussion, which is not to say that I think we'll smoothly sail on from here to November and beyond. I just think, well, now it's been brought to his attention. So maybe that is a step in the right direction.

[Katy]

Yay!  Improvement, and at least he didn't intend to be disrespectful.

[Bluegoat]

That sounds a lot like my dh.  He talks to himself, the dog, the tv, all the time, and I used to assume he was talking to me.  Now I mostly ignore it, and miss what he saiys when it is addressed to me.

[ktgrok]

yay!!!

 

Honestly, I think I have a tendency to be a bit like your husband. And I do appreciate it when people point out I'm being an overbearing ass. Seriously. It's one of the reasons my husband and I do well together...he has no trouble telling me I'm being a b*tch every now and then (not using that word) and I have no trouble telling him he's being moody and obnoxious. If either of us was afraid to call the other on it it would ruin our relationship. We've both been in relationships before with people who just tolerated our faults and it led to a lot of resentment. But it helps that both of us are truly willing to try to do better when we are called on it. 

 

I saw the same thing in my sister's marriage...he was passive, she was assertive. Sometimes that meant she got too bossy/obnoxious/wahtever and he just never said a word. Until the day he filed for divorce and admitted his affairs. 

 

So yay for speaking up and him for going "oh...oops, didn't mean to do that."

 

Communication is a wonderful thing!

 

Edited to add: I don't try to be nasty, by the way. I just get easily carried away and don't realize others don't feel the same way. I'm much better about it, and more careful about it, now that he has pointed it out. Same with him and his moody phases where he would go on rants about everything depressing in the world EVER. 

Edited April 21, 2016 by ktgrok

[mamiof5]

I am really glad you brought it up, and he wasn't trying to upset you in any way

[SKL]

I used to talk back to the TV also.  TV people are so annoying!  They never listen!

[Happy2BaMom]

Perhaps you need to remind him, "Life is short, it can end at any moment (point to article on Prince or someone you know who passed suddenly)...do you really want to be spending so much time and energy NOW being angry and upset over something that you can't control?" Or use whatever words and articles might work.

 

I seriously stopped a LOT of internet and TV/media stuff once I started focusing on how I wanted to spend my time NOW. But then, at that time, I had had two acquaintances who both died of brain cancer in their 30's, both with very young children. Something like that really shifts your perspective of how you use your time on this earth.