If you and your mate have come to different political views UPDATE #161

[Ginevra]

And let's not name names or hint at names so this thread can stay open, please.

 

This is really pretty bad at the moment, in part due to this despicable political climate this year. Our state votes next week. DH and I are arguing this morning, not an unusual occurrence regarding this subject. When we got married, neither of us were particularly political. We were of a similar mind, but not passionate about any side. That has changed over time.

 

We consume different news and it has shaped us in different directions. I cannot vote for who he says he will vote for, not remotely possible. So, in his eyes, I will "throw my vote away." It's really bothering me. There can be nothing more stupid than fighting with DH about "the direction of our country." Our country will be what it will be; it really should not influence the peace in our home.

 

I guess I am just looking for others who are in this same boat. I am so sick of this election and cannot stand the thought that we have to listen to this idiocy for five more months or whatever.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Quill

[kewb]

Dh and I rarely discuss politics. We don't always agree even among the best candidate when we are voting for the same party.

[jenn-]

My DH and I have different political views. We pretty much live by the board rules and try not to bring it up. This is also how my parents work out their political differences.

 

Remember, the only vote that is considered "thrown away" is the that wasn't cast at all. Your voice will be heard even if the majority in your state votes differently.

[DawnM]

DH says he is A-political.   He has some opinions, and through the last 10 years or so, I have changed my political views some, which he doesn't always agree with.

 

But thankfully, we haven't had something that caused major tension.  

 

I have a friend who truly believes one way but votes the other way because of not wanting to upset her husband.  I don't get that, but I am not married to her husband and wouldn't be.

[Lanny]

I suspect this is very very common.  I remember, a few years ago, a story about a couple in New England, on TV. They were both active, in local political groups, in different political parties.  Best to respect the opinions of others and not let differences of opinions affect a marriage, IMO.  

[mom@shiloh]

My dh and I may end up in a similar situation, although I am hoping it won't come to that.  We usually agree, but this election makes it hard.  We aren't arguing about it, and I do understand his viewpoint on it, but ultimately, and after much prayer, i will vote how I am led to vote.  I would rather that we both voted the same, but it might not happen this time.  

[PrincessMommy]

We're in a similar boat.  My dh told me who he plans to vote for a few weeks ago and I was completely shocked.

 

We don't discuss politics much otherwise.  I occasionally talk about the candidate I plan to vote for and I've encouraged him to watch a few speeches, but that was long ago and before he told me who he was planning to vote for.

 

Part of this is because I strategically changed parties several months ago (before all this started happening) and he has remained in the same party for 30yrs.   Our state holds closed elections and is basically hard leaning one way.  The primary is really the important Presidential election in this state. 

 

We were also similar politically when we first married but that has changed over the years.   I don't think it's totally unexpected.  People change and they don't always go in the same directions - both politically and theologically, IMHO.  I don't think we've voted for the same people in a very long time as I haven't voted for a major party candidate for President for several election cycles.

Edited April 19, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[3 ladybugs]

Look up Marley Matlin and James Carvel (could be off with the spellings there). They are an extreme example of this. They both are very well known on opposite sides of the aisle but they are married with a few children. I think if they can do it then certainly there is hope for everyone else in this situation. 

 

I have friends and family that are opposite of me, but not my spouse. We were both rather political when we met so it has never been an issue for us. If anything we now lean more towards where we were going. 

[The Girls' Mom]

We don't talk about it much.  I know he has different views.  His ideas about voting in general are different than mine.  Like many things in our marriage, it isn't worth fighting over.  I'm not going to change his mind.  I vote the way I want to vote.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

We don't always agree, and sometimes have voted for opposing parties. We rarely argue about it.

 

Surprisingly, right now we are in agreement. Some issues transcend political party lines.

[Amira]

Dh and I vote for people in different parties and we talk about politics a lot, but we never argue about it. Dh isn't really passionate about politics though and we agree about the things that are most important to me.

 

There are things I don't talk about with certain people. I definitely don't talk about politics if I'm not enjoying the discussion, no matter who's in it, even if it annoys the person that I'm not saying anything or trying to change the subject.

[bettyandbob]

I think my dh has started leaning far more one direction and I've probably started leaning the other direction. We used to talk politics and current events that have political implications in their solutions.

 

I've decided we best not bring politics up. There's plenty of other stuff going on that we can discuss.

 

Ds1 has been very observant of politics for almost 10 years. He's an adult. He's extremely argumentative. He doesn't think like dh or me--completely different view altogether. When he's home no politics are discussed at all.

[EmilyGF]

Look up Marley Matlin and James Carvel (could be off with the spellings there). They are an extreme example of this. They both are very well known on opposite sides of the aisle but they are married with a few children. I think if they can do it then certainly there is hope for everyone else in this situation. 

 

I have friends and family that are opposite of me, but not my spouse. We were both rather political when we met so it has never been an issue for us. If anything we now lean more towards where we were going. 

Mary Matalin and James Carville. Pretty extreme!

[Rosie_0801]

I have a friend who truly believes one way but votes the other way because of not wanting to upset her husband.  I don't get that, but I am not married to her husband and wouldn't be.

 

 

 

What about the right to a secret ballot?  :scared:

 

Article 21 of the Declaration of Human Rights!

[ktgrok]

No advice, but I'm sorry. That must be so hard. I think the best thing is to focus on issues, not "politics" or candidates. I'm thinking maybe you have much more similar views on the problems in the world, even if you have different views on how to fix them.  

 

My husband and I sometimes disagree on individual laws, but our overall beliefs are similar enough that we don't have many issues. Which is good, as I'm pretty ferverent in my beliefs this cycle. 

[Bluegoat]

I don't understand why people who really believe in a democratic system support this idea that some votes are "throwaway".  When populations feel they have no choice but to vote for a few candidates who might win or their vote is worthless, they tend to stop voting.  People should be discouraging this way of thinking.

 

I think over the years my dh and I have actually grown closer in terms of political views - last election we actually voted for the same candidate, which I think was a first.  Even when we were less likely to agree on candidates and parties though, we seemed to be able to talk about political issues with no problem.

[Bluegoat]

What about the right to a secret ballot?  :scared:

 

Article 21 of the Declaration of Human Rights!

 

But people aren't required to keep it secret if they don't want to.

 

Of course, maybe she just says she votes for the same candidate as her husband.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Our views lean in the same direction, but his lean far more.  It has never been a problem even when we don't agree.  If we argued about it, I'd probably avoid talking about it with him. 

 

But either way yes this election crap is for the birds. 

 

When a particular candidate won an election some time ago, I thought my husband's head would explode.  I basically said well the good news is that the president really only has so much power.  They often promise a bunch of crap that they don't in fact have much control over.  At the end of that president's term my husband saw what I meant and now he no longer flips out too hard about candidates he does not like.

 

I get a double whammy.  He complains about German politicians too.  :001_rolleyes:

[Heatherwith4]

DH and I are pretty far apart on politics. When we married, we were closer in our views. We do argue about stuff sometimes, but it's light-hearted more than anything. We stop talking about it before we get too upset. Thankfully, we both agree that one particular candidate is a bad idea.

[Mimm]

When I first met my husband, he was very politically apathetic. I had more opinions because I had been raised to be pretty firmly in line with one of the main political parties. Since getting married, we have both changed a lot and not necessarily together. We do try to listen to each other, avoid talking about it too much, and allow each other to have a difference of opinion. Fortunately, this current election isn't causing us too much stress because neither of us like any of the candidates. :)

 

Can you sit down and agree to prioritize your relationship over politics?

[Melissa B]

I get great joy in cancelling out my husband's vote year after year. We rarely discuss politics. There are other things to talk about. I avoid politics with several friends and other family members as well. We rarely remind each other to vote, hoping to occasionally sneak in a vote that doesn't get cancelled out. Although sometimes we see alike on local issues and can vote together. I figure I am going to cancel someone's vote. So it is my husband's rather than my neighbor's. Someone has to do it!

[Guest]

No advice, but I'm sorry. That must be so hard. I think the best thing is to focus on issues, not "politics" or candidates. I'm thinking maybe you have much more similar views on the problems in the world, even if you have different views on how to fix them.

 

My husband and I sometimes disagree on individual laws, but our overall beliefs are similar enough that we don't have many issues. Which is good, as I'm pretty ferverent in my beliefs this cycle.

Unfortunately, no, this would not help. It is the issues that have us going in different directions, which is not to say we agree on nothing, but it is the issues that we see differently that starts arguments.

 

We have long had this ritual where we watch morning news, have coffee, and keep each other updated every morning, for about an hour before we begin our days. This has been such a good thing in our marriage, but now it isn't. A couple years ago, he did concede to watching a different news channel, because I said I was tired of never getting local news, and also I was bored with that national news chanel because they always seemed to report on the same general topics. He went along with that - I think he at least agreed that it would be good to know the traffic patterns locally, local weather, and local news bits such as accidents or crimes happening locally.

 

If we could simply have a politics-free zone, I would be thrilled. I have no need to discuss these things with him. But that isn't what happens. He "must" comment. So, even if it is local news, or if it is the national portion of the morning news, he "has" to say, "See? XYZ always does that." Or simply saying the name of his preferred candidate in glowing ways. He is not letting sleeping dogs lie, so I react. I suppose it is true I could literally ignore every single political remark that comes out of his mouth, but that isn't conducive to marital harmony, either. It's just stonewalling instead of attacking.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Do you think he sees this as a problem?  He may just be having a sort of mini debate with you on this because he likes doing so, but it's not that he literally is annoyed that you don't agree. 

 

Are you annoyed that he doesn't agree with you?  Or that he gets so into the conversation?

 

 

[Bluegoat]

It could be worse.  My dh and I have had most of our really horrible arguments about statistics.

[Rosie_0801]

If it were me, I might stick my foot in his lap and say he can talk politics as long as the foot massage lasts...

[Scarlett]

Unfortunately, no, this would not help. It is the issues that have us going in different directions, which is not to say we agree on nothing, but it is the issues that we see differently that starts arguments.

 

We have long had this ritual where we watch morning news, have coffee, and keep each other updated every morning, for about an hour before we begin our days. This has been such a good thing in our marriage, but now it isn't. A couple years ago, he did concede to watching a different news channel, because I said I was tired of never getting local news, and also I was bored with that national news chanel because they always seemed to report on the same general topics. He went along with that - I think he at least agreed that it would be good to know the traffic patterns locally, local weather, and local news bits such as accidents or crimes happening locally.

 

If we could simply have a politics-free zone, I would be thrilled. I have no need to discuss these things with him. But that isn't what happens. He "must" comment. So, even if it is local news, or if it is the national portion of the morning news, he "has" to say, "See? XYZ always does that." Or simply saying the name of his preferred candidate in glowing ways. He is not letting sleeping dogs lie, so I react. I suppose it is true I could literally ignore every single political remark that comes out of his mouth, but that isn't conducive to marital harmony, either. It's just stonewalling instead of attacking.

I think you will have to ignore him. It will be a wall in your marriage which as you say is not conducive to marital harmony. But you have no other choice really. I had a similar very difficult time in my first marriage over religion.

 

I am sorry. You really need to change your routine. Completely. No more morning time together over coffee if the tv or radio is involved. You need to find a way to preserve the love you have.

[Critterfixer]

 

If it were me, I might stick my foot in his lap and say he can talk politics as long as the foot massage lasts...

 

Quoting because I can't like!

[Critterfixer]

I wouldn't call it stonewalling. I'd call it taking the high road and refusing to be baited into a quarrel. 

[Mbelle]

My DH and I agree on issues and usually candidates or at least a particular party.  

My parents used to have similar views to ours, but they have changed radically.  

My dd and her granpa are in extreme opposite camps.  It's hilarious to us.  

Obviously, there is a big difference in that relationship than in marriage.

 

My dh was born and raised in another country. Where we run in to problems is our personal role in govt.

Seriously, we can't even talk about it.  I feel like he's apathetic and downtrodden on purpose and he thinks I'm naive.

After a few serious arguments over it, we no longer discuss the ability and responsibility the "power of the people" have.

[Guest]

Do you think he sees this as a problem? He may just be having a sort of mini debate with you on this because he likes doing so, but it's not that he literally is annoyed that you don't agree.

 

Are you annoyed that he doesn't agree with you? Or that he gets so into the conversation?

I do think he sees it as a problem because he has such a negative view of the future of our country. So, therefore if I am not being part of the "solution," then I am part of the problem, KWIM?

 

I do think he enjoys the argument, though, certainly much more than I do. Peace is my middle name. I hate conflict.

 

I am upset that he does not respect my POV; that he doesn't (it seems) believe that I can intelligently and reasonably come to a conclusion that is opposite his on a given issue. This morning, he said I need to vote for Candidate X. I said no, I am never voting for that person. If I don't, says he, I throw my vote away. I say my vote is for a candidate I can support and it can affect the outcome however it affects the outcome. Well, he says, if this candidate does become our party representative, you HAVE to vote for that candidate. I say, no, I will not. I will not vote for a candidate whom I do not support; not for primary, not for general. So, I don't care, he says, about the future of this country, because if (so-and-so), it is (all going to hell in a picnic basket). This will happen, that will happen, the Apocalyse is coming.

 

I can't stand it.

[xixstar]

My spouse and I have greatly different political views. In general we simply don't discuss politics too often because I tend to be more aggressive in conversations and then it's all pointless to discuss. We do talk about issues and I often feel we have similar overarching views but then he may just be smiling and nodding to keep me quiet(er).

 

I find it amusing when his campaign folk stop by when he isn't home. Now I am a little too gleeful that our house is no longer and net-nothing vote because my oldest can vote snd we have simmilar political views.

 

Oddly when we talk about news stories we seem to have the same commentary except I tend to expound back to societal issues and he just looks at the one-off incident. That sparks good conversations.

[Anne in CA]

We lost peace in our home for two years because I refused to vote for a certain presidential candidate who campaigned saying he was a Christian, when in fact I had *heard* him say something important to indicate he was not in a private meeting at my work. I really did not like him pandering to the Christian vote and refused to vote for him which made my dh so angry he basically didn't respect me for a long time. Finally we went to a counselor who told dh he was being disrespectful and to knock it off. It was not a great time, but I needed to do what was right in my own eyes.

[sassenach]

My mom and dad always voted opposite. The joke was that they canceled each other's vote out. They never argued about it, though.

 

The root of it sounds like one person trying to control the other. That's a frustrating way to live for both parties. Can you guys just agree to not discuss politics?

 

Eta- just read your post above. I disagree- it's not stonewalling and you do have a choice. He's allowed to make comments and you can choose to engage or not.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Sassenach

[tm919]

My husband and I have similar underlying views of what SHOULD be, but he is much more embittered... He can vote (or NOT vote) for who he wants; I only really get upset when he conveys that cynicism to our kids. At 4 and 6 I think they are too young for the "Cesspool on the Potomac" stuff.

Edited April 19, 2016 by tm919

[Ravin]

DH and I registered for different political parties. However, we have found that among the Presidential candidates, we agree on several of them.

 

My best childhood friend and her DH are about polar opposites when it comes to politics. She likes to joke that they cancel each other's votes out.

 

No vote is wasted. Everyone has a right to vote, even people who I think are making really stupid decisions. Anyone who can't grasp that notion should just not talk politics with family, especially their spouse.

[Amy in NH]

You can tell him that you aren't throwing your vote away because you're using it to cancel out his vote. And then stop having coffee with him while watching the news. This ritual is impacting your relationship. Imo it's better to just stop than to continue adding to resentments.

[ktgrok]

In this case, I'd stand up to him, rather than ignore him. Don't just say you can't vote for a candidate you don't support, explain why you support the other candidate more. If you sound more confident and assertive he may back off. By sounding like you are just settling he thinks he can change your mind. 

 

Some personalities need to be stood up to, or you end up resenting them. I know this because I can be one of those personalities (I know..I'm working on it). 

[livetoread]

Dh and I belonged to different political parties when we married, and had differing views on some important issues. He eventually saw the light, lol, and now he tends to be more critical of his old party than I am.

 

We had some intense discussions when we were dating, but he hates to argue even intellectually, and so we just didn't really discuss politics after that. He slowly changed due to other reasons besides my compelling arguments!

 

I would find it distressing to have the kind of discussions you are having in the way you are having them. I think I'd just make discussions of candidates off limits, and I'd probably throw in direction of the country, doomsday stuff too. If he really, really needed to talk about it, I'd do my best to just listen and empathize with his fears, and then go hug a puppy or something. I don't mind arguing, but I find the fear-driven pessimism to be exhausting.

[EmseB]

I am upset that he does not respect my POV; that he doesn't (it seems) believe that I can intelligently and reasonably come to a conclusion that is opposite his on a given issue.

Can you tell him this? Not in the heat of the political discussions, but as a meta discussion about the discussion? Don't let him drag you into another political argument, just state this post and insist that it is harming your marriage and you'd like to not discuss politics anymore because of it.

Edited April 19, 2016 by JodiSue

[Critterfixer]

The way I look at it, it doesn't matter. Regardless of who is behind the wheel of the ship of state, I've still got rigging to tend, lifeboats to provision and hornpipes to dance. I'm going to do all of it, and help my fellow shipmates however I can. 

So if the country goes under, I want to be the one making sure that I'm the one who cared enough to protect my community, however small it is. And if we reach a far distant land of peace and prosperity, I'm going to be the one cheering the loudest. 

It doesn't matter how I vote. What matters is how I live. 

 

Yeah, political arguments get kind of interesting in my house. :laugh: Big picture person here.

[Starr]

Time to change from the news to Netflix. :D 

[goldberry]

I would let him know how much this is bothering you and ask that he agree to keep his mouth shut.  Then enforce it with a scathing look and cold silence when he opens his mouth.

[goldberry]

You can tell him that you aren't throwing your vote away because you're using it to cancel out his vote. 

 

Mwahahaha!

 

ETA, yes I know that's not the way it works necessarily, but it's still a good answer.

Edited April 19, 2016 by goldberry

[Rosie_0801]

I do think he sees it as a problem because he has such a negative view of the future of our country. So, therefore if I am not being part of the "solution," then I am part of the problem, KWIM?

 

I'm not sure how whinging is a solution to the future of your country. 

 

He'd be better off out there feeding the hungry, tutoring migrants, investing in renewable energy or something. Maybe you can bond over something like that. (If you dream up ideas on creating jobs in rural areas, I'd like to hear about them.)

[goldberry]

I'm not involved in politics.  I have a friend though, who says he will vote for a certain candidate "if he has to" even though that candidate is morally reprehensible to him.

 

I will confess this has changed my opinion of his character.  So, I can see how politics can lead to problems outside of it.  In a marriage, I think the only answer would be to make it totally off limits and put it in a box.

[Carrie12345]

We have some different political views, but we do boil down to the same candidate, so our debates never get too far out of hand.  (Sometimes we debate just to challenge each other.)

 

It would definitely get complicated if we were polar opposites in politics. I don't see it as a political problem.  If my husband believed X, Y, and Z should be the laws of the land while X, Y, and Z were in direct contrast to my deeply held beliefs in and advocacy of A, B, and C, I would have a relationship problem.

[Reefgazer]

DH and I have always been in this place.  We just don't discuss politics in our house.  We were polar opposites when we married and are now just slightly apart politically, but there's nothing to discuss, really - we don't usually agree.  *Shrug*  I don't need a clone of me, so it doesn't bother me.

 

ETA:  You could just yes him to death, don't engage any arguments, and then vote as you wish.  That doesn't give him much of a chance to argue or belittle.

Edited April 19, 2016 by reefgazer

[AK_Mom4]

DH is far far further to one end of the political spectrum than I am. We agree to disagree, though he does try to sway my mind on local elections as those are less "party driven". We don't discuss national politics at all and state politics only a little.

 

I don't see it as a relationship problem. We've grown considerably older over time and formed our own opinions about these things. DH has his brothers and mom to rehash politics with - he and I can talk about other things.

[ashfern]

My DH and I are similar politically but yet we have different opinions on who to vote for. I didn't vote my 1st choice because that person dropped out before our primary. I was tempted to vote for that person anyway since the name was still on the ballot but DH did convince me that it would be a throw-away vote as my 2nd choice did need the votes to help the person who won our state to not collect all the delegates.

[Guest]

DH and I have always been in this place. We just don't discuss politics in our house. We were polar opposites when we married and are now just slightly apart politically, but there's nothing to discuss, really - we don't usually agree. *Shrug* I don't need a clone of me, so it doesn't bother me.

 

ETA: You could just yes him to death, don't engage any arguments, and then vote as you wish. That doesn't give him much of a chance to argue or belittle.

That's true, but that is also not much of a relationship. That's house mates who sleep with each other. Plus it's just not acceptable to me to appear to agree when I do not. Smaller matters, I can let those blow by. But if he says, "The moon is made of green cheese; I know it for a fact!" I cannot says, "Yes, dear. I heard that, too."