Let me petty for a few...

[blondeviolin]

 

 

So today's my birthday. And I was planning on going out for lunch on my husband's lunch break so I didn't have to worry about cleaning more mess this afternoon. He typically comes home for lunch. Instead, though, he planned to have someone help take his car down to the mechanic to put the engine back in. So we saw him for twenty minutes. And as he's leaving he says, "what do you want for for your birthday? How about dinner? We'll do something so you don't have to cook."

 

Just once I want to not have to tell him what to get or to spell it out for him. I'm not asking for anything huge. I'd be happy with a $10 gift card to Target at this point! I always make it a point to have cake and gifts on everyone's birthday including his, but I don't want to have to do that on my birthday too. So often it goes forgotten besides family wishing me a happy birthday. (It doesn't help that my son's birthday is the day before.)

 

And yet, he's just not that kind of man. He doesn't think of coordinate things in advance. He does anything that he's told and without complaint. He folds laundry and washes dishes and cooks when I ask him to. I really shouldn't complain.

 

...BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! :glare:

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sounds like how my spouse operates.

 

Happy Birthday!

 

:party:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dinner out sounds like a nice plan. 

 

Happy birthday.  :)

[mamiof5]

Happy, happy birthday!!! I have learned that people celebrate differently. My dh is not a birthday celebrator (not even his), but I am. So, if I want something I ask... I don't go around the bush, or "hope for". I hope you have a relaxed and lovely birthday dinner, and a wonderful rest of the day!!!

[marbel]

I'm sorry your day is not working out well.

 

I always have to ask my husband what he'd like for his birthday. He is hard to buy for. If I couldn't ask, he would get a shirt for every gift occasion. :-)

 

Hope you have a happy birthday anyway!

[Annie G]

Been there, done that. If it's a pattern, I suggest that next year you mention it in advance. With dh, I learned mentioning it a week in advance was too much time.  3 days is his sweet spot.  So my birthday was Saturday and around Wednesday I mentioned that since Saturday was my birthday that I'd like to have Mexican food for lunch.  He did ask which restaurant I wanted to go to, and I did choose. I don't care that I essentially planned it- if I had left it to him we'd have had pizza. 

And the day turned out to be lovely.  I have come to realize that dh and the kids do not speak the love language of gift giving.  But they rock at acts of service and that's cool with me. 

 

I feel for you- it's ONE day and you'd think dh would make it special. But after years of it not happening, I found that I was happier if I guided dh toward what I wanted for the day. I'm sure that dinner out was nice, but it probably felt like an afterthought that dh tossed out as he was rushing back to work.

 

PS. Happy birthday!  

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[happi duck]

(hugs)

and

Happy Birthday!!!

[Eliz]

:grouphug: Happy Birthday!

[Night Elf]

Happy Birthday! :party:

[zoobie]

I know the feeling. Happy birthday!

[The Girls' Mom]

Happy Birthday!

This is how my past 25 birthdays have gone with my dh.  I've grown to accept it, and just shop for myself and pick out my own restaurant for dinner.  At least I know I'll get what I want.  

On the plus side, my kids are now of an age in which they make their own money and like to surprise me with birthday/Christmas gifts.  They do a good job, and even took over the Christmas shopping for dh this year.  (I actually didn't know about any of my Christmas gifts ahead of time this year!)  So there is hope.  At least for a little while! lol.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: Happy Birthday! Enjoy your supper out!

 

Maybe next year you need to just tell him point blank, a week ahead that you want him to plan something special. If there is ONE thing I've learned and taken to heart in marriage and life in general is that expectations are just pre-planned disappointment. If he's doing what he has always done and you've never told him that it upsets you, he can't read your mind.

 

In our family culture, the Birthday Person gets to choose what we do, eat, etc. so we don't plan for them. Maybe your DH is of a similar mindset or culture. Personally, I'm not a gift person, unless I've specifically requested something, so would be disappointed with a random item. Therefore, I'm not a good gift GIVER, either. If this is your DH, too - let me tell you - expectations around gift giving occasions are severely stress inducing.

[GinaPagnato]

You have my sympathy.

 

Happy birthday!

[creekland]

Adding Happy Birthday wishes from here!

 

I hope you get a great dinner - and remind him next year that he's on the spot to get you something... you don't need to be specific if you don't mind what he gets you, but I would be a little specific if you really don't like certain things (for me, that includes jewelry, cut flowers, chocolate, and similar items).

 

As others have already mentioned, not everyone is a natural when it comes to giving gifts.  My hubby is in that crowd, so I now tend to let him know what I prefer most of the time, and I get a dinner out.  (Everyone in our family gets to choose a dinner out on their birthday.)  He still talks about "that look" on the checkout lady's face when he informed her I was getting chickens for one of my birthdays...  :lol:

[EmilyGF]

I have a hard time with within family gifts. Hey, that's our money you're spending, why waste it on something I didn't specifically tell you to buy!!! But my hubby has been really great when I've really wanted something $$$ (such as replacing a stone with a ruby in an inherited ring) or going out to a landmark restaurant just because.

 

Hope you have a birthday and that you two can come to an understanding on what makes gifts special for each of you.

 

Emily

[Garga]

This kind of thread comes up about 3 times a year. Maybe 4 because sometimes there are Christmas threads like this, too. Here's my standard reply:

 

The players:

Wife who does a great job of making everyone else's birthday (or Christmas) special.

Husband who is a really good guy, but totally drops the ball on wife's birthday (or Christmas.)

 

The problem:

Husband forgets to do ANYTHING at all for a birthday (or Christmas), or sometimes gives a breezy, cheery, "Well, waddya wanna do for your birthday?" as he heads out the door.

Wife feels bad because it seems pretty obvious to her that the tiniest bit of effort should be put into celebrating ones mate's birthday, but at the same time she doesn't want to make a big stink over it because dh is a good man.

 

I lived this problem. When I had my first son, my husband totally and completely forgot to get me anything for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, AND my first Mother's Day. And he knows (knows!) that I am a big sucker for holidays and love to celebrate them. It was a very, very rough year for me. I was beyond hurt and my dh, who is a great guy, never seemed to clue in. But we were both so exhausted from a colicky baby and we never seemed to have 2 seconds alone together to discuss the issue until a year of forgotten holidays had gone by.

 

Solution:

You have to take charge. You have to say well in advance exactly what you want. Exactly. When my friend turned 39 she gave her husband a year's notice and told him, "Next year, when I'm 40, I want a BIG birthday party that you plan for me," and throughout the year she reminded him about the party and pointed him toward various friends who could help him with the party (a baker, a cook, someone who likes decorating, etc.).

 

I say to DH, "For my birthday I want to go to X for lunch and I'd love a $20 gift card to iTunes," or "For my birthday this year, I want to be surprised about where we go to dinner. I want to go somewhere that costs more than $9.99 for a plate, where maybe we can dress up a little bit. And I'd like this new book by this author. Wrapped in paper. With a card." "For Christmas, I'd like for you and the boys to go to the dollar store and find stuff to fill in my stocking. And here's a list of things I'd like as presents. Anything on that list would be great, but I'd love it if you'd also come up with something not on the list as a little surprise."

 

I gave this advice to my nephew when he turned 19. He was shocked that no one threw him a party. I told him, "Welcome to adulthood. Sometimes it's not fun being an adult." I explained that after a certain age, you have to plan how you want to celebrate your birthday. You have to call your friends and say, "Hey! Let's meet at such-and-such for my birthday!" And sometimes you even have to pay to throw your own parties.

 

Bottom line: I know how crummy it feels to have a special day turn out not to be special. I know how conflicting it can be to feel irritated at your dh when he's basically a really good man who loves you.

 

Don't let this happen again. Mother's day is coming up. If you like to celebrate it, get ready. Tell DH to give the kids paper to make you cards and tell him where you want to eat your Mother's Day lunch and tell him a gift card to Target for $10 from the kids and him would be really awesome.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Garga

[ikslo]

Happy Birthday! :party:

[Guest]

Happy Birthday! And if it makes you feel any better, my birthday is tomorrow and I made my own cake today. Oh, and the kids are currently having "a talk" with dad because all I wanted for my birthday was for them to help me clean the house (which they do on a regular basis!) and for some reason, it proved near impossible today!

Edited April 12, 2016 by Guest

[Butter]

Happy birthday!  (You share a birthday with my second niece :) )

 

Mine was last week.  I made the reservations for dinner at the place I wanted to go to and informed my husband when we had to be there.  I figure it's worth it to go where I want (we don't do birthday presents for each other so that wasn't an issue).

[Mrs. Darinski]

I had a birthday last week as well and all the ladies here were very kind and supportive when I was experiencing a similar situation to yours.  Mine ended up picking up a little late in the day.  I hope yours turned out well and that you ended up enjoying the day as much as you could because APRIL BABIES ROCK!!!  :thumbup1:

[blondeviolin]

Thanks for the well wishes! I shouldn't expect more than my husband can be. He really is an all around great guy. He stopped and got me a snack on the way home from work so that was nice. He just doesn't think about things like this and I don't want have to do it all. So it just won't happen. And typically I'm good with that. But today was compounded with the fact that he chose to drop off his car today, during lunch. He loves his car (old school beetle) and I love that for him. But the dumb thing is more work than it's worth and he gets pretty short-sighted when it comes to his car. It just boils down to him not being practiced in thinking about all of the other wheels I've got turning at home.

 

Turns out I'm not super hungry this evening, nor do I care to clean a huge mess, make a big meal, or pay an arm and leg for dinner. So pancakes it is!

[aaplank]

I'm sorry that you are hurt. I think you have the right to be. I also think you have the right to expect your husband to make some sort of effort for your birthday. That doesn't mean that he will, but I think that you can always hope that he might. And I don't think it's the same when you tell him what you want and he just does what you tell him to. Because it's not the presents, or the dinner out, or whatever that you want. What you probably really want is to be thought of, planned for, worth enough to make a special effort for.

 

So I would talk it out and make sure your husband knows how you feel. It's up to him to want to make an effort because that's what would make you happy. And if he doesn't, then make an effort to celebrate yourself. You are worth it!

[mamiof5]

Happy Birthday! And if it makes you feel any better, my birthday is tomorrow and I made my own cake today. Oh, and the kids are currently having "a talk" with dad because all I wanted for my birthday was for them to help me clean the house (which they do on a regular basis!) and for some reason, it proved near impossible today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Hope you are having a fantastic day!!

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

[ScoutTN]

Happy Birthday, a day late! 

 

No advice, as I am in the same boat.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

My husband's love language is service and he does lots of work, helps with the kids, fixes things etc. without ever being asked. Takes initiative.

He never thinks to do anything special for my birthday, our anniversary or other special occasions unless I remind him or outright ask. I have given up. It makes me sad, but after 14 years of marriage and numerous calm, pleasant conversations and a few not so calm or pleasant ones, I am just resigned.  :crying: 

I love my husband :001_wub: and am thankful for him every day and I know I have equally glaring weaknesses, just different ones.  :leaving:

 

[KungFuPanda]

"Anything you come up with will be great. I'm just happy to be off the hook with decision making."

 

How would that response fly.

[TravelingChris]

I have been married 30 years and while my husband has given me surprise gifts for Christmas and my birthday, he never planned outings, restaurants or vacations. That is till this year. This year he had planned four mini vacations and suggested some outings and restaurants occasionally. So sometimes an old dog can change his tricks.

 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk

[HRAAB]

Happy Birthday!   :party:

 

Married 30 years, and I don't think I've ever received a birthday present that I didn't pick out or plan.  He worries about buying or doing something I don't want so he figures if I tell him, he's safe.  And while that is true, it would be nice to be totally surprised sometime.  It's the way he is; in this instance, I had to change my expectation.  I am hoping when he's retired and not so busy and stressed all the time that he will take more initiative in planning.

[HS Mom in NC]

Addressing this to women in general, not the OP in particular, I think the problem is that so many people have a hard time grasping just how different people are.  I'm not a birthday fuss kind of person.  I'm just not.  Some people are.  They just are.  So it's as unfair and unrealistic to expect someone who is not a birthday fuss person to on their own, make a fuss about someone's birthday.  (I'm talking about adults, minor children are a separate issue.) Just like it's really hard for someone who is a birthday fuss person to grasp why someone who isn't a birthday fuss person is anything from irritated to angered about someone making a huge fuss about their birthday and expects them to grin and bear it or even more unrealistically, enjoy it.

 

Some people don't enjoy a fuss made about their birthdays.  Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy coffee.  Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy collecting stamps.  Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy hiking.  Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy playing baseball.  Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy quilting. Some people do.

Some people don't enjoy olives. Some people do.
Some people don't enjoy rap music. Some people do.
Some people don't enjoy surprises.  Some people do.
Some people don't enjoy routine.  Some people do.

Need I go on?

So, extrapolating from the above, we have to assume each spouse can potentially have a different view of what makes a good birthday.

 
Some are content with no acknowledgement at all. 

Some are content with a simple verbal acknowledgement.

Some are content with a gift/activity they suggested their spouse get/do for them. 

Some are content with a small surprise gift or event.

Some are content with a big fuss of some sort that they told their spouse to plan a certain way. 

Some are content with their spouse making a big surprise fuss.

Other (Because, in the immortal words of Mattie Ross in True Grit, "You can't think of everything.")

 

There really isn't anything wrong  being anywhere in particular on that spectrum. 

There is a problem if:

 

You expect your spouse to know where you are on that spectrum even if you haven't explicitly told them. (Hints, vague, sarcastic and/or passive aggressive comments do NOT count as telling them.)

You expect more than is reasonable for your family's time, energy and/or financial limits.

You expect something specific or in general but you didn't specify out loud, in plain, clear English what that was.

Tell your spouse what you have in mind as clearly as it can be communicated. Listen to what your spouse says and act accordingly within limits.  Appreciate what someone does for you when you didn't spell out what you wanted. 

[MinivanMom]

I'm pretty sure the op knows how her husband is and is just venting. We can recognize that people are different, but still feel frustrated by it on occasion.

 

Addressing this to women in general, not the OP in particular, I think the problem is that so many people have a hard time grasping just how different people are.  I'm not a birthday fuss kind of person.  I'm just not.  Some people are.  They just are.  So it's as unfair and unrealistic to expect someone who is not a birthday fuss person to on their own, make a fuss about someone's birthday.  (I'm talking about adults, minor children are a separate issue.) Just like it's really hard for someone who is a birthday fuss person to grasp why someone who isn't a birthday fuss person is anything from irritated to angered about someone making a huge fuss about their birthday and expects them to grin and bear it or even more unrealistically, enjoy it.

 

 

This part made me laugh, though. I come from a family that views birthdays as being for children. I don't think I even got a cake past the age of 12. But my husband's family is really crazy and intense about birthdays.

 

After dh and I got married, my birthday came around, and mil decided she was going to take it over. She called up dh and announced that they had planned a huge party (at our house!), and she was coming over to bake dinner and bringing a cake, etc, etc. Dh told her that it probably wasn't something I would want, and mil was hugely insulted. She just couldn't believe that anyone would not want a huge celebration, but she did respect dh's directive to not show up at our house bearing cake. Instead, they just sent several gifts, and both she and fil called me individually to wish me a happy birthday, which I found very weird and stressful since neither of them had ever called me on the phone before. Mil took it all as a personal rejection, and I was left thinking I had the most controlling and overbearing in-law's ever.

 

I was smart enough to take the hint that they would probably want me and dh to do something when their birthdays came around.

[happypamama]

"Anything you come up with will be great. I'm just happy to be off the hook with decision making."

 

How would that response fly.

I love this!  I pretty much just say, "I want dinner that I am not responsible for."  But I think a lot of men will not guess what their wives want and will figure that she will tell them.  So sometimes you have to tell them.  

 

OP, happy belated birthday!  We share a birthday!  By this point (25 years of birthdays), DH and I both know that I enjoy going out to dinner, and I enjoy not having to decide about it too much.  There are a lot of choices around here!  So DH scouts around and picks out a couple that he thinks we'd enjoy, and then I make the final decision when it's my birthday.  I'm guessing that your DH thought he was being nice by asking what you wanted to do, but sometimes that's a lot of decision-making when you're the mom and are making a gazillion little decisions all day long.  So I vote for telling him more specifically what would make YOU feel loved on your birthday.

[HS Mom in NC]

 

 

 

This part made me laugh, though. I come from a family that views birthdays as being for children. I don't think I even got a cake past the age of 12. But my husband's family is really crazy and intense about birthdays.

 

 

Yes, in the family culture I grew up in people say things like, "If you're over the age of 12, no one should be making a fuss about your birthday." It's a kid thing like hunting Easter eggs. Older than that your parents buy you a small gift and say, "Happy, Birthday!" or they give you some cash and drive you and a friend to the movie theater.  Or sometimes, as an adult,  they take you to lunch.  No big deal.

 

One of my brothers married a woman whose family culture expected a big surprise birthday party every year thrown by the spouse and the best friend.  He explained he was not going to feel obligated to do that, but on the big birthdays (40, 50 ,60, 70) that would be fine.  Each year that she hits an age that doesn't end in 0 he asks her what she wants him to do that isn't throwing a huge party and he makes a serious effort to do it as time and budget allow.

 

 

[applethyme]

Happy Birthday!

 

:party:

[KungFuPanda]

I'm so glad I married someone whose on the same page with this. We spent years making half-hearted attempts at getting gifts until one day we wised up and realized we both just wanted to be off the hook for shopping. It's evolved to me buying what I want and asking him "Wanna see what you got me for my birthday?" He says "Yeah!" Then I show him and he says "Wow, I'm very generous." To which I reply "You ARE! Thank you!" Or some version of this over acted skit. (We think we're funny.)

 

This year I got a Vitamix :-) For his birthday he usually just claims whatever he buys within a few weeks of the big day and announces "I'm getting _______ for my birthday." I pretend to be impressed with what ever computer/radio/technology gadget it is. We've been thinking we should have a huge party in 2018 because that year Dh turns 50, DD turns 21, Ds turns 18 and it's our 25th anniversary. I'm already thinking a trip would be easier :-/. I didn't get the celebration gene. Some good food and company and I'm happy.