Important psychological traits for homeschooling parents to develop..

[HS Mom in NC]

I had a discussion about this recently with a couple of homeschoolers and I wanted the hive to weigh in. 

What would you say are the most important psychological traits for homeschooling parents to develop? Why? Can you give an example(s) of when the presence or absence of those traits were particularly consequential to you or another homeschooling parent you know?

 

 

I would say resilience. The ability to bounce back undaunted after a challenge or frustration is at the top of my list.  Just think of all the times we have faced real challenges when you consider each kid in each subject each year with each approach.

[Mergath]

The ability to not care what other people think, and the ability to endure stunning amounts of monotony without jumping to a new curriculum every time you're bored. For obvious reasons.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Mergath

[freesia]

I agree with resilience. I would add the ability to be flexible or learn to be flexible. I think it also helps to be able to build a support system for yourself and access it when you need it. This could be as simple as a spouse who is willing to re-distribute household responsibilities (mine cooks and started doing all the shopping for instance). I have friends who would take the kids if I had an emergency. I have a friend who would take the child I struggle with the most if I need a break--and I'll take hers.

[Denise in IN]

The ability to not care what other people think, and the ability to endure stunning amounts of monotony without jumping to a new curriculum every time you're bored. For obvious reasons.

 

Resounding YES to both of these.  And I would add the ability to persevere without apparent reward.  'Cause there sure isn't any pay involved, and precious few accolades/thanks.  "Mom, thank you so much for letting me do such fabulous and interesting schoolwork.  Where do you find all of these wonderful resources?  I'm so happy to be the best educated child around!"  Said none of my children EVER.

 

Perhaps my current perspective is jaded by the homeschooling of three teen & pre-teen boys.  :glare:   :lol:

[sbgrace]

Flexibility would be high on my list. Kids are unpredictable and individual. So, for example, I have to adjust my goals to fit the kid I have in the moment.

 

Having the ability to make plans/set goals and then the personality to follow through without impulsively jumping to something else helps in making progress and building continuity.

 

Flexible doesn't always go along with people strong in goal setting and follow through though! I'm better at the second, and I need more of the first.

[Hobbes]

Patience and/or the ability to communicate patiently when you aren't feeling patient inside. There are so many times when lack of patience on my part would be/has been a barrier to effective learning.

 

ETA: Also, patience to allow time for things to take root, to keep going steadily when results are not immediately evident.

Edited March 17, 2016 by indigoellen@gmail.com

[MerryAtHope]

The ability to not care what other people think, 

 

Yes! I would also add that to some extent, you need to not care too much what your children think. Some kids are going to "hate school," which really means they like 90% of what they're doing but dislike math or some other subject, and that colors their whole perspective! It can be hard not to take things personally when you work hard to make things enjoyable! But some things are just "get-er-done" whether you like them or not!

 

Also...ability to break things down into smaller steps, or to find curriculum that can do that for you when needed. Some kids can make leaps, others not.

 

Ability to change up your teaching style to meet a student's needs.

 

Perseverance. Things don't always go smoothly. You need something to get you through the tough days. 

 

Ability to be self-accountable and self-directed.

 

Wisdom, in so many ways! Perhaps with a dose of humility too (willingness to seek what we don't know, to not assume we always know what's best).

 

I find having some kind of structure is valuable--but people do have different ways of homeschooling.

 

Love for your children. That might seem obvious, but in the throes of homeschooling, it can be easy for the "main thing" to sometimes get clouded. Things like encouraging words, hugs, smiles, and patience as several have mentioned, are all crucial.

[EmseB]

I like what Cindy Rollins wrote about being "impervious". I am not impervious!

[908874]

1. Patience

 

This morning I explained to my son (again and again) how to add 9+5 and 9+6 with manipulatives, without them, with fingers, with drawings... I was getting bored, but I didn't loose my patience because why? I'll do it again tomorrow :) and next week probably.

 

2. Love

 

(See above?)

 

3. Research skills and more patience

 

You know that curriculum that doesn't work? Got to find another one. The way I'm explaining X isn't working. Is he too young? Should I try again or wait? Is there another way to teach it? My kid just asked me what animal lives the longest - let me ask google lol.

 

4. Patience

 

Lady at the grocery store: wow you have your hands full! Is school out this morning? No, we homeschool. Cue in funny face, assumptions and questions about socialization.

 

5. All the other responses I read on this thread!

 

I've seen great responses here. Much better than mine. Lol

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[wintermom]

A sense of humour. Don't take yourself too seriously.

 

Ability to roll with the ups and downs of life.

 

Desire to learn, and learn along with your dc.

 

A desire to do what you can to help your dc blossom and grow.

 

I have no patience, so clearly this isn't always a necessity - even thought it's often the first thing people think you need and no one believes they have. ;) 

[Aurelia]

Perseverance. The ability to keep going despite the monotony. To get up every school day and DO school, even though you would rather hide in the closet and scream until you lose your voice if you have to go over X skill AGAIN. And not take every other day off because the sun is shining, or it's raining, or the dog farted in the school room and you left your gas mask downstairs, or nobody's "feeling it" today.

 

 

 

[Farrar]

This is sort of along the lines of what others are saying, but I think you have to be willing to fail sometimes. Sometimes you will fail your kids. You just will. School would too - nothing is perfect. But it will feel so personal when you do it. I think you have to have the resilience to bounce back from those inevitable failures.

 

I think it's also important that you be willing to homeschool the kids in front of you, not yourself as a child and not some idealized child that you wish you had. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[sweetpea3829]

Insanity.

 

One must have a healthy dose of psychological insanity in order to homeschool.  :-)  

[Mrs Twain]

What people have called perseverance I might call self discipline. We must get up every school day and get the work done without anyone watching us or checking up to see if the kids are learning. Lacking this quality can cause the children to become behind academically.

[Sahamamama]

Courage to be different and to create your own life, not just fall in line with the status quo.

 

Empathy with your children, your spouse, your (insecure) critics, other homeschoolers (who probably do it differently), your own (limited) self... and I would say, at least for me personally, with the child I was, all those years ago. That child... needs my empathy.

 

Determination to hold it together and be diligent for another day.

[pehp]

I like all the other responses so far but I would also say emotional maturity. Being around children 24-7 is not easy and if a parent is emotionally immature he or she could truly wreak havoc on the child/family. Knowing when to pause and take a break, prevent burnout, draw healthy boundaries, teach kids communication skills/coping mechanisms....really ALL parents need this but the homeschooling parent really, really does.

[El...]

Sense of humor (bordering on humility, or maybe just grace toward self and kids)

A touch of hubris (because, here I go, educating my children myself, yeah, me)

A willingness to engage in self-discipline for the cause

A deep stubborn streak

 

[IsabelC]

I'd say balance. 

Enough confidence to keep doing it in the face of ignorance and criticism, but enough humility to know when you need to get help or make adjustments.

Enough flexibility to tweak your program as often as needed, but enough perseverance to push on through difficulties.

Enough gentleness to go easy on yourself and your kids when needed, but a bit of strictness to keep things on track.
Enough empathy to be patient and kind with your kids, but enough authority that you're still the parent, not just a friend.

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I'd say initiative too.  If you struggle with self-starting it's going to bite you in the butt.  No one's going to hold your hand, remind you, nag you, follow up with you, assess for you, solve your problems for you, or meet your needs for you.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Self-confidence.  Really, you need it to do anything, but ESPECIALLY to do something outside the normal box.  And it shows when you defend your decision (or when you don't bother because duh, you know you're right and don't care what others think), it shows when you teach your kids (this is the right path, this is the right curriculum, and this is the right way to teach fractions, darn it!  And then a day or two later, being totally confident in your ability to research and find another way to teach fractions....), and if kids could only learn one trait through modeling, this is probably the trait I'd want for mine.  

Edited March 18, 2016 by Monica_in_Switzerland

[wintermom]

Self-confidence.  Really, you need it to do anything, but ESPECIALLY to do something outside the normal box.  And it shows when you defend your decision (or when you don't bother because duh, you know you're right and don't care what others think), it shows when you teach your kids (this is the right path, this is the right curriculum, and this is the right way to teach fractions, darn it!  And then a day or two later, being totally confident in your ability to research and find another way to teach fractions....), and if kids could only learn one trait through modeling, this is probably the trait I'd want for mine.  

 

While I totally agree in theory, it's slightly different than confidence that's needed because there are a million variables to deal with and no one in their right mind can be 100% confident that they're actually going down the right path. It's a path we're choosing and hoping and praying that it will end in success, but we have so little control, really, that it's scary. We tend to have more control than putting kids in PS, but other than that, it's virtually unknown what our dc will end up doing. Such is the life for any parent.

Edited March 18, 2016 by wintermom

[EKT]

I'm finding this year that I just need to truly invest in my mental health in general. I can no longer treat self-care as an "extra," as something that is "nice to have." Now that it's getting to be spring, it's dawning on me how low I've been feeling all winter (a sort of mild-to-moderate winter depression) and how it has negatively affected my whole household. I'm realizing that I'm driving this ship, and for homeschooling to work and be a positive experience for our family, I need to be in top form, and the only way to be in top form is to care for myself (sleep, eat well, exercise, do something creative). Because the past few weeks, I've been so grouchy and just quick to be impatient. I aim to be optimistic, light, friendly, easy. To have a "can-do" attitude.

 

I also think a calm response to conflict is a MUST. (One that I often fail at, but the top thing I'm working on right now.) We are together 24/7. Conflict will happen. It just will, and I need to stop being so thrown by it. I am working to be a calm authority at all times instead of a calm authority much of the time, but an angry, frustrated whiney person other times. I need to set a good example, basically. (The further along I get in this homeschooling thing, the more I realize that I have to train and teach myself in all things much more than I need to train and teach my children in anything. Living the example is everything, I think.)

 

And I agree with you that resilience is an essential one, too. And I'd also add not guilt-tripping myself like crazy every time I make a mistake.

[EKT]

Resounding YES to both of these.  And I would add the ability to persevere without apparent reward.  'Cause there sure isn't any pay involved, and precious few accolades/thanks.  "Mom, thank you so much for letting me do such fabulous and interesting schoolwork.  Where do you find all of these wonderful resources?  I'm so happy to be the best educated child around!"  Said none of my children EVER.

 

Perhaps my current perspective is jaded by the homeschooling of three teen & pre-teen boys.  :glare:   :lol:

 

This made me LOL. Thanks! :-)

[EKT]

I like what Cindy Rollins wrote about being "impervious". I am not impervious!

 

Oooh! I'm intrigued! Do you have a link for this you could share? Thanks!

[pehp]

I am just coming back to this thread after listening to two of Julie Bogart's phenomenally good periscopes on "what healthy looks like" (a list of 11 things). this is precisely what I was saying in my brief "emotional maturity" response above.  I had no idea she was going to post periscopes on what it is to be a healthy homeschooler...so it was pretty cool timing to find that she had done two scopes on this just a few days after we had this thread!

 

Here is the first periscope: https://katch.me/BraveWriter/v/e474ca46-1712-3182-9d40-ac6a0c1adfa1

 

And here in the second: https://katch.me/BraveWriter/v/ed8b5a0d-2830-3b15-a882-5c9b308cffad

[Reefgazer]

Oh, patience.  Lord, give me patience.

[Rosie_0801]

Imagination. 

 

Someone has to answer that all important question, "what the hell am I gonna do with this kid?"  :laugh:

[musicianmom]

*

Edited May 22, 2022 by musicianmom

[abcmommy]

Authority. Gravitas. Whatever you call the ability to sufficiently intimidate kids into cooperation. The thing that I completely lacked and therefore flunked out of homeschooling. It still breaks my heart.

I do not believe this is part of it at all.  If it is I have failed and I have not dropped out of homeschooling.

 

 

I think flexibility is key.  Patience.  Understanding.  Love.  You have to be more invested in your person than in your student.  Currently my homeschooled child is dealing with trauma.  Our school is math workbook, read aloud, reader, and art all day long.  Water color,  Clay, sewing, yarn...  art art art.  Because that trauma can't be talked about yet so we are arting it out.  

[EndOfOrdinary]

Grace. My son and I both see the worst of each other. And the best. But most definitely the worst. We then forgive each other endlessly and keep on going. Somehow that makes us love one another even stronger, though that makes no logical sense. Previously I would have said this is just what happens with family, but being together 24/7 magnifies it a bit.

 

Letting Go. Public school parents do this so early on. As a homeschooling parent, I am letting go in little bits over a very long period of time with a child I am much more connected to. By connected, I do not mean that I some love my child more. I mean that my time, my job, much of my person-ness is connected since homeschooling is so time consuming. So as he ventures out, I am having to let go over and over, rather than openly relinquishing everything right away.

[laundrycrisis]

It helps to be a kind of arrogant loner; who doesn't care about fitting in; an outside the lines person; a brick by brick builder; creative and flexible; secure and brassy enough to tell people, even family members, that a topic is not their concern; and Determined not even being the word.

[LMD]

Adventurousness.

[mamamoose]

Self-confidence. Really, you need it to do anything, but ESPECIALLY to do something outside the normal box. And it shows when you defend your decision (or when you don't bother because duh, you know you're right and don't care what others think), it shows when you teach your kids (this is the right path, this is the right curriculum, and this is the right way to teach fractions, darn it! And then a day or two later, being totally confident in your ability to research and find another way to teach fractions....), and if kids could only learn one trait through modeling, this is probably the trait I'd want for mine.

This is one I think I require the most. From the kids telling me they don't like a particular subject, to my son telling me I don't know what I'm talking about, to all our family and friends doubting us, it requires a lot of confidence to continue!

[Guest]

selflessness

 

patience

 

self-motivation

 

empathy

[Guest]

Grace. My son and I both see the worst of each other. And the best. But most definitely the worst. We then forgive each other endlessly and keep on going. Somehow that makes us love one another even stronger, though that makes no logical sense. Previously I would have said this is just what happens with family, but being together 24/7 magnifies it a bit.

 

Letting Go. Public school parents do this so early on. As a homeschooling parent, I am letting go in little bits over a very long period of time with a child I am much more connected to. By connected, I do not mean that I some love my child more. I mean that my time, my job, much of my person-ness is connected since homeschooling is so time consuming. So as he ventures out, I am having to let go over and over, rather than openly relinquishing everything right away.

 

<3

[daijobu]

I'm not sure how to describe this trait, except as being a type-A planner, who is always looking ahead.  I think it helps if you make it a habit of thinking about what your student will be doing tomorrow, next week, and next year, and considering what needs to be done now to prepare.  (Speaking of which, I need to get dd's lesson plan up for next week, lol!)

 

Also, it really helps if you have a deep abiding belief in homeschooling as the best thing for your student, if not all students, lol.  I came into homeschooling by falling in love with it.  I remember telling my mom friends at our preschool about my plans to homeschool, and sincerely sincerely believing they would follow me down this yellow brick road of happiness.  No one did, lol!  But I still respond to people's questions with the attitude of "I homeschool my kids!  I know, isn't it great!"  I say it as if I'd just won the lottery.  "Yeah, I won 30 million dollars!  Is it great!"  Because that's what I truly believe.  

[BlsdMama]

What does one call the ability to fake it? To appear authoritative when the moment calls for it? Or confident? Or calm? Even when the mama does not internally feel that way... I want kudos for that. Those days when I do the right thing rather than how I feel. ;)

[G5052]

I would say persistence. A lot of things will happen that can seem to make it impossible. After awhile we learned to accept near-continuous medical problems and eldercare issues and just kept going. 

 

On a related note, you have to somehow get inside their heads and keep them going. One of mine was always disappearing under the table. Another hated asking for help and would rather go down the tubes than admit confusion. And then the snarky teen years including figuring out how to balance allowing the use of technology.

 

Also balancing being their loving mom and their teacher all wrapped up in one.

[KarenNC]

A willingness to be organized about record-keeping is particularly needed in high school.

 

An ability to recognize the need for self-care (something at which I do not excel) since your job has no days off, no sick time, and you can't leave it at the office.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm not amazing at self-care, intimidation, organization...these things aren't really my list. These are like my housekeeping skills: I have enough to get by. LOL

 

After 21 years parenting and 18 years homeschooling, I think that all I really have is love.

 

Love says, "As long as what my children need is within my power to give, I'm here. If that's homeschooling, I'll make it happen. If it's something else, I'll make that happen."

Love says, "I'd better teach them early how to apologize and make amends, and how to forgive, because with all of this on my shoulders I'm going to need all of us to be able to do both."

Love says, "I know these children are not an extension of myself. I'm here to help them become themselves. (And Mom, if you think some of their changes are going to be painful, you'd better believe that you'll do some painful growing, too, but that's the gig.)"

 

Consider the properties of love -- it multiplies, you know. When a mother pours out her whole self for the well-being of her children, it ought to work that she grows in love for other people's children, too. The disenfranchised, lonely ones who need the world to care...you know the old saying about politics, that a young man who is not liberal has no heart, and an old man who is not conservative has no brains? The opposite is true in pouring-out lives like that of the homeschool mom. You become more liberal, more compassionate, more patient, because there is no ill or sorrow in the world that you haven't seen in an egg, in your own children. And if they come through it with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, then you know firsthand exactly what that takes (God, parents, community, education, healthcare, luck, luck, luck), and you must understand that a billion people will always lack those things -- so we must love them and DO something.

 

Love. It's what motivates us to become all the other things that our families need, and it's what forces us to change and grow. Love is what our children will remember, and I hope that love is what they will take from our homes out into the world.

 

Edited March 27, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Critterfixer]

Patience and adaptability have been key for me. I've found that it takes patience to help inspire patience. When I'm willing to allow things that don't make sense to simmer quietly until they do, I find that the boys are more able to attempt the same with difficult questions or concepts. 

The ability to adapt curriculum saves me money. The ability to adapt myself to changing educational needs and changing schedules saves my sanity. 

Edited March 27, 2016 by Critterfixer

[KathyBC]

This is sort of along the lines of what others are saying, but I think you have to be willing to fail sometimes. Sometimes you will fail your kids. You just will. School would too - nothing is perfect. But it will feel so personal when you do it. I think you have to have the resilience to bounce back from those inevitable failures.

 

I think it's also important that you be willing to homeschool the kids in front of you, not yourself as a child and not some idealized child that you wish you had. 

This.

A realistic view of the parent-child relationship and a realistic view of the teacher-student relationship. If you're shooting for the sonlight cover picture every day, you are going to feel like a failure, lol.

And a willingness to do what is right for the child in front of you - yes.

[KathyBC]

Authority. Gravitas. Whatever you call the ability to sufficiently intimidate kids into cooperation. The thing that I completely lacked and therefore flunked out of homeschooling. It still breaks my heart.

Homeschooling always comes to an end, whether that is after one year or 13. Recognizing what is best for your family is key. While I feel some natural sense of authority over my own kids, I'm not sure I could have schooled other people's kids as I feel I'm missing the group management dynamic, too. I don't know your story, but a child's willingness to take direction is not always necessarily a reflection on the parent. (((hugs)))

[pehp]

This is so great.  

 

Love the comment about the painful changes, too.  

 

I'm not amazing at self-care, intimidation, organization...these things aren't really my list. These are like my housekeeping skills: I have enough to get by. LOL

 

After 21 years parenting and 18 years homeschooling, I think that all I really have is love.

 

Love says, "As long as what my children need is within my power to give, I'm here. If that's homeschooling, I'll make it happen. If it's something else, I'll make that happen."

Love says, "I'd better teach them early how to apologize and make amends, and how to forgive, because with all of this on my shoulders I'm going to need all of us to be able to do both."

Love says, "I know these children are not an extension of myself. I'm here to help them become themselves. (And Mom, if you think some of their changes are going to be painful, you'd better believe that you'll do some painful growing, too, but that's the gig.)"

 

Consider the properties of love -- it multiplies, you know. When a mother pours out her whole self for the well-being of her children, it ought to work that she grows in love for other people's children, too. The disenfranchised, lonely ones who need the world to care...you know the old saying about politics, that a young man who is not liberal has no heart, and an old man who is not conservative has no brains? The opposite is true in pouring-out lives like that of the homeschool mom. You become more liberal, more compassionate, more patient, because there is no ill or sorrow in the world that you haven't seen in an egg, in your own children. And if they come through it with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, then you know firsthand exactly what that takes (God, parents, community, education, healthcare, luck, luck, luck), and you must understand that a billion people will always lack those things -- so we must love them and DO something.

 

Love. It's what motivates us to become all the other things that our families need, and it's what forces us to change and grow. Love is what our children will remember, and I hope that love is what they will take from our homes out into the world.

 

 

[Valley Girl]

An incredibly thick skin.

[mb4]

This is not really a psychological trait but I would say one needs to develop love of learning and of education. I have talked to many women who start homeschooling out of fear of the public schools, or because they feel they have to because of their circumstances. If they never catch the joy of teaching, or the excitement of learning with their children, they usually find another option quickly.

[ailysh]

I'm only finishing up my first real year of homeschooling but I love reading all these responses. I'll say the things that I'm realizing will be important as we move into first grade... The things I am worried about in my heart even though I present a very confident façade to my family and friends.

 

1. Self discipline. I want to put a sign on my wall that says "Make hay while the sun is shining." This is the biggest thing for me. Just do what needs doing. I already know I'm not going to feel like it. I really want to teach a strong work ethic to my kids, and the best way to do that is model it. It's going to be hard.

 

2. Patience. One of my biggest struggles.

[Slojo]

Resounding YES to both of these.  And I would add the ability to persevere without apparent reward.  'Cause there sure isn't any pay involved, and precious few accolades/thanks.  "Mom, thank you so much for letting me do such fabulous and interesting schoolwork.  Where do you find all of these wonderful resources?  I'm so happy to be the best educated child around!"  Said none of my children EVER.

 

Perhaps my current perspective is jaded by the homeschooling of three teen & pre-teen boys.  :glare:   :lol:

Love this. Well, perhaps I might assign the quote for copywork. It'll have to sink in, right? 

 

This made me LOL. Thanks! :-)

Me too! I can persevere this week ;-)!