Can we talk about family and car troubles?

[athomeontheprairie]

First two things that are important, first I LOVE my sil and am so glad that we are able to help. I'm not angry, I don't begrudge her, I'm not disappointed, or put out. And secondly, I'm am only child-I don't know how siblings operate.

 

My sil lives nearly 2 hours south of my bil and 4 from us and my il's. She has had countless car problems over the past 3 years. The last 4 times my dh has left and gone after her or her car. He leaves tomorrow to go get her car ( it broke, again, on the way up for thanksgiving). He is taking her our "extra" vehicle and towing back hers where he will try and service it. If dh and his dad can't fix it they'll pay a mechanic.

 

It makes me wonder what do other people do? I sorta feel like my sil is in her mid 30's, has no boyfriend, no kids, cheap apartment, no college loans, good job and a second job on the side-I feel like she should be able to solve the car (ongoing) problem without calling family that is 4 hours away to come help at every turn. Idk what I'd do, I've never btdt. But I'm curious about others.

 

Again, we are glad to help-it isn't about that. I just wonder how problems, not necessarily car problems, play out over distance for other families. Is it different if they are married out in a committed relationship with others? (I can easily see getting involved if kids are in the picture, regardless of distance. And less likely if there is another reliable adult in the picture.)

Edited November 29, 2015 by athomeontheprairie

[ThisIsTheDay]

How about gifting her with an AAA membership for Christmas? Or if that might seem unkind, gifting her with one for no reason at all?  She can then call AAA for towing.  If her car breaks down, how does she get home?

 

My sister is unmarried, $$$ apartment, good job, and would never dream of asking someone to do this. She's perfectly capable of managing this and all other affairs herself, although she does occasionally ask for dogsitting assistance in certain circumstances.

 

I would feel terribly guilty asking my OWN husband to rescue me and my car if I were four hours away!

[Alice]

I would guess that the way you feel about it is due to your being an only child. I'm an only child also and married into a very close-knit family of four siblings. Dh is the youngest. None of his sibs are currently married (one was never married, one was married only a few years and one was married for a long time but divorced about 8 years ago). The one who was married has four kids, all significantly older than our kids. 

 

The dymanics in his family sound somewhat similar to my dh's family and I sometimes have had similar thoughts. One SIL will ask him to come over and help with planting a tree, or help with her house if there is a plumbing problem or anything handyman related. Other SIL will also ask for help doing things around the house. It's not exactly that I don't want him to help. They all help us a lot. They babysit and are great to our kids and help in other ways. It's more that I think as an only child I just was really used to not depending on anyone else for help, because there wasn't anyone. Yes, I had my parents, but I didn't have a big brother to drive me to school and teach me about cars. I didn't have a sister who looked out for me. I think only children are usually really used to being independent. When SIL calls to ask dh to do something it's not so much that I think "I can't believe she is calling him, I need him here." It's more that I think, "Huh, why didn't she just do that task herself?" I lived alone for many years before getting married and I was pretty much used to doing whatever on my own. That could be personality as much as the only child thing, although I do think it's a factor. 

 

BIL went through a rough period after his divorce and wasn't living in the most responsible way. He wasn't doing anything terrible, he just had really low paying jobs by choice and no health insurance pretty much by choice even knowing that his family has a horrible health history. He wasn't taking care of himself physically either. The family had a bunch of discussions and part of it was that the concern was that if had no insurance and ended up in deep debt, that the other family members would have to be financially responsible for him. After one long discussion with my dh I said something to the effect of not understanding why he would feel like we should support his brother if his brother was choosing to live recklessly. I said something like that BIL was an adult and that as an adult he was making his own choices and would have to reap the consequences. Dh just looked at me and said "Because he's my brother" in sort of a tortured voice. I realized at that point that I had kind of no idea what that relationship really felt like. I just didn't get it. My own parents had siblings but weren't at all close so I had never really experienced the sibling relationship up close. 

 

All that to say that our family culture is probably very similar to yours. When I start to feel a little weird about it I remind myself that dh and his sibs are modeling the kind of relationship that I hope our own kids have when they are older. Not necessarily dependent on each other for problem solving, but the closeness and willingness to help is a good thing. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have 5 siblings.  None of us would think of calling someone else to solve a problem with our own car.  If someone called me, I guess I would say "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I hope you get it worked out." without even realizing that they were trying to get me to take care of their problem as an adult. 

[abacus2]

No way would I drive 4 hours for a car problem. If finances were tight for them and I wanted to help, I would do so with money for tow trucks, repairs, rental cars, a more reliable vehicle.

[TechWife]

As one of five children, I think it's normal to call siblings for help with larger household tasks if they live nearby. Anything over an hour, though, isn't really nearby, IMO. In my experience, the older we all get, we draw on our life experience to solve problems, but if needed, we call on each other. 

 

I am the sibling that lives away from the others, so I don't participate in these everyday things, but my siblings, nieces and nephews (all of whom are adults) will join together for painting projects, big landscaping chores and things like that. They also pitch in with picking up each other's sick kids from school, etc. My brother routinely works on our niece's and nephew's cars - he is a trained mechanic. They also hang out with each other for fun - having a casual meal, playing games, kids playing together, etc.. 

 

They all also have friendships with non-family members - people they meet in their respective neighborhoods, kids activities, at work, etc.. Some have better "boundaries" with family members than others, it's a spectrum, like most things are. 

 

People in my family have skills - the guys are either great at "handyman" tasks or at auto mechanics and the gals are also good at a variety of minor household repairs, making various household decor items, all kinds of things, really.  My father taught us, we taught our kids and I think the skills will continue to be passed down through at least the generation following. There is a lot of cross generational teaching & fun, as my oldest brother and sister each had a child before I entered my teen years. Those kids and the ones that followed now have children of their own who are in their teens and younger. 

 

I really think what you are seeing is cooperation to solve problems. 

 

The four hour distance is a lot - if it bothers you to have your husband gone, you should talk to him about it. Perhaps suggesting that if he's going to work on the car that it could be towed to your place instead of him going to get it might be helpful. Having family that can work on cars is a wonderful thing - it can save thousands of dollars over the life of the car, so I don't necessarily begrudge your sister of that if your husband has the time to be helpful. If he doesn't have the time and is neglecting other responsibilities, then it is a larger boundary issue, I think. 

 

 

[nd293]

Nope. If you have a problem with your car you get roadside assistance to tow you, and you pay a mechanic to fix your car. If family is within the same town it might be different, and you could trade a dinner for some DIY mechanic skills. But I would never think of inconveniencing a family member like that unless there was a strong history of reciprocity.

 

Some women are happy to act helpless and have a man take care of things for them, I think. Dh tends to help people and when I met him I had to rein in neighbours (mother and spinster daughter) who were like that. One day he was out when the daughter came over in a flap because she had vacuumed up a ring. I marched over, detached the vacuum bag and told her to look through it for the ring. That was the last time they called him to help with something silly.

[Guest]

That distance would be beyond us, but I don't think seeking family help is unusual - she sounds like she is in a position where she needs to be urged to get something like AAA though! My husband's parents have loaned us their big truck when our old Suburban used to go out and that was very nice of them, but they live close by and offered to help more (we declined more than borrowing the vehicle when they offered to help with repairs). In my family this would be odd but it is the culture of DH's family. They are DIY-ers and close knit. My own would just suggest a garage or tow service we personally liked and wish them well.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Arctic Mama

[Loowit]

My dad was a mechanic for years until he retired.  He is my go to person for help  with car problems.  For years it was just a matter of cost.  We couldn't afford the labor cost, even thought the parts weren't a huge deal.  Most of the time DH is willing to help and learn to do things himself.  My dad just fixed our car when the heater core went out.  We have a number of unexpected expenses at the moment and while we could have made it work to get it done in a shop, I was very grateful that my dad was willing and able to do the work.  I have also had my brother help out at times.  However, we all live within about 30 minutes of each other and I know as my dad gets older we will need to use a shop more for work that needs to be done.

 

In my family growing up my dad fixed all of our cars and my brother, though he didn't become a mechanic can do most of his own work on the cars.  It was just how things were done in my family, we never took the car to the shop, so it was strange after I got married that DH couldn't fix our car when it had issue.  Usually I am the one that can diagnose a problem for DH and then get my dad to confirm it.  I wish that DH were better and car repairs, but it isn't his thing, not that he isn't willing to learn, but with his job and such he doesn't have time even if he did know.

[DesertBlossom]

The distance is what makes it seem a bit excessive. My siblings all live in the same town and help each other out with various things. But unless SIL can't afford to pay for a local mechanic, it seems like a lot to ask someone to drive 4 hours to come and fix her car.

[Guest]

phht If I had someone that would help me with car problems I would call them too! Cars stress me out. I'm sure they do others as well.

 

I came from a doit yourself ordon't do it at all family, and married into WE WILL HELP YOU family. My inlaws are doing a better job at being a family, all things considered.

 

Those siblings are lucky to have each other.

[Robin M]

That does seem a bit excessive. For family in town no problem. 4 hours is just too far and ends up costing time and money. Does she offer to pay for gas, food, lodging, the parts or anything else? How is she reciprocating? IMHO, she needs to have the car towed or take it to a mechanic and rent a car in the interim. She is perfectly capable as you said. Have hubby scout out repair shops in her area and point her in their direction.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Robin M

[Desert Strawberry]

Once, our transmission on our only car exploded while we were driving with two kids in the car. We had AAA, but we were rural and had no way to get the kids home. D called his friends and they carpooled us home. It was about 60 miles for them. Bless their hearts. 
 

We bought a more reliable car. 

 

We have only had this happen once. Once, I can see. Freak circumstances. More than once, it's time to reconsider how you are handling your situation. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022

[bettyandbob]

I live 10 minutes from my brother, 5 minutes from my parents and 40 minutes from my sister. I would pay a towing service to my own mechanic. At 30 I had figured out the mechanic with the best reputation in my area. My dad used to fix cats so it would not be far fetched for me to ask that of him, but no I can take care of my life and could do that before 30. I don't borrow cars either. I figure out how to use local transit, get a ride to work from friends and skip other car needed activities until the car is fixed.

 

Is SIL the youngest, the only girl? It sounds like the family has gone overboard with their vulture stereotypes and everyone is stunted in interactions involving SIL.

[Plink]

In our family everyone with a car problem turns to DH - not only his siblings, but my family (and countless friends) too. Helping is how he shows love. He would be sad if someone felt they couldn't ask for help.

 

That said, I'm not sure he would drive 8 hours round trip to get a broken car. That seems like a lot of wasted time.

 

ETA: I should have mentioned that everyone pays for their own parts, and our crew is very good about helping out in return. FIL has rescued me from the side of the road several times (our cars always break when DH is traveling), MIL does our hemming, sis scouts great coupons for freebies, etc. I think I'd be more put out in your situation than ours because the giving seems to only go one way.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Plink

[marbel]

I haven't read all the responses yet.

 

Obviously your SIL is not me, but she sounds a lot like me at her age, except the 2nd job.  I lived in the same town as my dad and older brother and they were never involved in my car repairs.

 

I have had AAA since my parents gave me a membership when I got my license.  They paid for it the first few years and when I became independent, I took it over.   When I moved out of my parents' house, I considered myself an independent adult and took care of those things.  If money had been a problem, they'd have helped, but heck no my father or brother wouldn't be towing my car all over the place.  

 

AAA is a great gift.  Also help finding a reliable honest mechanic would be nice, if doable, since she would need someone closer.

 

ETA: Read some more responses.  This goes way beyond "families help each other" and it is preventing your SIL from learning to live independently.  What if your family moved 8 hours away?  Or across country?   What happens when FIL can't do car repairs anymore?  

Edited November 29, 2015 by marbel

[The Girls' Mom]

Dh's family is very dependent on one another for help.  In fact, it is kind of a default to see if a family member can help before seeking outside help with pretty much anything.  Back when dh was healthier, he worked on pretty much everyone's car.  He still works on his brother's vehicles occasionally (and nieces) It really is part of the family dynamic.  His parent's siblings are all very close knit.  

 

My family is a lot different, and I wouldn't dream of asking them for a thing. (but we are not close at all)

[Starr]

If her car is breaking down that often it doesn't matter if her family has been able to rescue her. She needs another car.

[happypamama]

I happily provide emotional support when any of my three younger siblings or their spouses need it. It's part of wearing the big sister t shirt.

 

If any of them, or DH's sister, lived closer, we'd pick them up if their car broke down. And sure, I can see DH taking a look at a car, since he's pretty handy, especially for a sibling who didn't have another adult around. I could even see lending a sibling a car for a short time. Stuff happens. You help family if you can. Picking them up if their car broke down is not much different from running home to get my brother's sports gear when he realized he'd forgotten it when we were in high school, which I also did for him a few times. If you can reasonably help a sibling even at minor inconvenience to yourself, it's just what you do.

 

But this sounds a little excessive. Four hours away, and he's done that multiple times? I think she needs a different solution. (And that's coming from someone who has had multiple vehicle problems in the past few years. You wouldn't believe it if I listed them all. But I've never involved siblings who live three and four hours away and wouldn't expect that at all.). I think AAA or having her check with her auto insurance about roadside assistance, plus maybe a gentle talk about what's going on (maybe the ILs should do that?) with the unreliable vehicle is in order.

[amy g.]

I'm going to guess that your husband is a super nice guy in other ways as well and really enjoys helping people, even the ones who are not in his family.

 

My husband is one of 8 and not only would he do anything for his siblings, they would do the same for us. It doesn't stop there with my husband though.

 

He loves to help people at work when they have a problem. There is a guy coming over this week to take our extra pool heater, because he mentioned he couldn't afford one.

 

 

And when my best friend was crying about the gap between her son's tuition and what she could pay, guess who was happy to pull out his checkbook and cover the gap. She certainly didn't ask or expect it, but it sure made his day knowing that he was able to turn someone's sorrow into happiness.

 

For me, it has meant anniversaries alone when he was helping my cousin move, and long Saturdays with no help with the kids because he was cutting elderly neighbor's yard as well as our own.

 

And once, during a flood, when the electricity went out, he left me alone with 3 kids and the downstairs full of water because he saw an old man whose car was stuck in the flood water. He spent hours pushing that car and getting that man to safety.

 

When his mother died. He wouldn't allow his brother to buy out his part of the family home. It was important to him that he give his inheritance to his brother free and clear to show his appreciation for all the years that he cared for their mother.

 

I understand that even though you are probably a nice person too, it gets old to have a husband who puts other people before himself.

 

After 25 years of marriage, I've made my peace with it. My husband is just a super nice and generous guy.

 

Sometimes it means I'm alone on my anniversary, or I don't have help with the kids because he is out helping someone else, but it also means I've won the biggest jackpot in the world, and I get the feeling that you have too.

[zoobie]

She's using you. Unless she regularly drives 8 hours to solve your problems for free, she's using you. I'm an only child. DH and I are not mechanically inclined. If our vehicle breaks, we call AAA and get it fixed by a professional. Same as if anything else malfunctions. Does your DH have those hours away from you, the kids, and his job to spare? Is he doing this instead of taking care of himself? She can afford a mechanic. It's not a one-time crisis. It bothers you, and you should set boundaries to prevent you from becoming her one stop repair shop.

 

Yes, family helps each other, but it's a mutual give and take, and you don't inconveniece others unless it is a true emergency. Not just because it's free and easy for the one getting the help.

[kbutton]

The distance and the frequency are what bother me. Maybe she needs someone to go down there and help her shop for a newer, more reliable car, but she hasn't really thought it out well enough (procrastinating, working too much, etc.). If she's working two jobs and can't afford a new car, maybe she needs a financial adviser (not necessarily family) to help her feel more stable (has money but won't spend it) or figure out where the money is going that maybe it shouldn't be (if she can't afford a car).

 

She sounds too busy and maybe insecure to work on this area. Or maybe *feeling* left out of every day family help since she's farther away. Maybe she's not a good planner and would readily respond to a chance to have someone help her find a car (it may require setting up a specific time/place or process for her if she's working two jobs). We've almost always "fallen" into our next car, so car shopping is something that I would want another set of eyes and ears around for. 

 

From the viewpoint of having a lot of ADHD in our extended families, I can totally see this being poor planning/indecision vs. using you (a lot of people with ADHD can do the daily stuff, but have trouble with things that require longer planning or big decisions, and a heck of a lot of adults are undiagnosed, honestly). I think it's great to help, but you might need to spell out what is too much. Any kind of last minute help really, truly needs to be monitored as well. Not everyone can drop things to help no matter how legitimate the need or willing the person is to help.

Edited November 29, 2015 by kbutton

[gardenmom5]

what is the origin of her car problems?  does she have the routine maintenance done?  does she know what routine maintenance is for her car?  (not just oil changes, fluids, and spark plugs - but there are big services every so many miles, etc.)  does she know to which odd sounds she needs to pay attention?  would a car care class as a gift be helpful for her? (generally aimed at not-interested in car people, but will teach them the basics to which to pay attention.)

 

is she driving an old junker car that simply needs to be replaced?  does she use money wisely? (or spend indiscriminately on things that seem fun, ignoring all the necessities?)  is she putting money aside to save for repairs and a new car when she needs one?

 

dh has helped 1dd - but her car is also well maintained, and she takes care of that.  2dd was responsible for making sure regular maintenance was done on the kid car when she was the main driver.  when there were issues - they could ask dad advice.

Edited November 29, 2015 by gardenmom5

[SparklyUnicorn]

That is extremely generous of you.  I wouldn't dream of calling someone 4 hours away unless I was REALLY desperate.  These things have definitely happened to me and it's a bummer because I have no family around. My dad, the only family I have really, is 3 hours away.  No, I do not call him for car problems and he does not call me for car problems.  I have road side through my auto insurance (it is only a little bit extra cost wise). 

 

When my car kept breaking down I went and got another car.  Since I do not have options I HAD to do it.  I need to have a reliable car.  This is especially true in winter.  There would be nothing worse than breaking down in the dead of winter somewhere far from civilization because it gets dangerously cold here in winter.    And where I live yearly inspections are required.  As annoying as that it is, it has helped because they have found major problems I would not have known about.  Having that taken care of probably helped ward off bigger problems. 

 

Although of course I do have my spouse and his work is not far.  He also has a car.  So that is definitely someone who can help.  Although there were times I had to figure it out myself because he wasn't available to help.  I think ultimately I would feel VERY alone if I didn't have him. 

 

 

[QueenCat]

Dh and I both have siblings. We'd loan a car or go pick someone up if they lived within about an hour of us. I can't imagine anyone asking us to help if they lived further out. We wouldn't pay the mechanic unless the sibling really needed help with that.

[Anne in CA]

If he lived ten minutes away I wouldn't think a thing of it, but FOUR HOURS? He has a wife and kids and needs to spend his off time with them. If she really could not afford a new car or repairs I might feel a little differently, but it would still not be okay as a default answer. That is NUTS. Some people are pretty self centered, and maybe this is your dh's way of staying close to her, so I would probably keep out of it. But that doesn't make it normal or healthy.

 

Another note, I have had many employees who have a strange emotional attachment to cars that don't work well or are not right for them and they still do not get better cars. Some of my employees cannot afford the huge SUV's they drive, but they have this rural fantasy about being rural people and needing these huge gas guzzlers that are very expensive to drive, repair, and insure. I am not talking about people who hunt, or gather firewood. I'm talking about people who live in town but insist on owning inappropriate cars. These cars keep these people impoverished, but they don't see it that way. They see it that they NEED these cars to maintain their social status. They do not understand that no one cares.

 

To me, the whole point of having money is to take care of yourself and your family. Many, many blue collar people I know spend more money on their inappropriate cars than on their children.

[kroe1]

Sounds like you have a very smart SIL with a very gullible brother.

[HSmomof2]

If her car is breaking down that often it doesn't matter if her family has been able to rescue her. She needs another car.

I agree.....family dynamics are different in all families, and this one doesn't seem far outside the norm. But your sil needs to be looking at getting a better car (and a AAA membership).😊

[Rachel]

4 hours is a little far, but when just about anyone we know has car trouble, my husband gets a call. He knows a lot about cars and he has a truck. I'm not sure I could even count how many times he has helped someone out. His parents are a couple hours away, when they have car or tractor issues, my husband is the first call even if a mechanic is going to fix it. He happens to be good at trouble shooting which is part of why they call him.

 

When my father in law broke his leg a couple winters ago and they had 40 bottle calves, my husband drove to their farm every day after work to help with feeding calves until they got some sold. He'd spend the night, help with chores in the morning then go to work. Families are different though, if my inlaws were constantly needing help, it would be a different story.

[Guest]

The distance is an issue, but I dont see asking a sibling being wrong though. I have three brothers and am currently 1.5 hours away from all three. Any of them, if they had the time, would come help me out if I needed it. Not that I would ask it of them nor expect it of them, but they are my brothers and they would do it. Just like I would go help them with something if time and finances allowed it.

[imagine.more]

I don't see it as unusual at all. Dh's family operates that way totally. He just has the one sister but we think nothing of driving 4+ hours to see her or attend events. Her now-husband once drove 4 hours just to drive her home because her car broke down. We've offered them our extra car. Currently they're using dh's aunts extra car. Dh and I have moved 7 times and have had help every time...even when that meant FIL offering to drive from AZ to GA with Dh in the moving truck because I was 4 weeks postpartum and they agreed it'd be best for me to fly with the baby instead. We could totally do these things on our own but it's nicer to have the help. Likewise Dh drove 5.5 hours just to help his dad paint for a weekend recently because they needed to get their house ready.

 

So anyway, it's often not that adult people can't handle car troubles or other problems themselves but just that it's stressful and so in close families the first instinct is to call each other for help.

[Guest]

I think it is time SIL put on her big girl panties and solve her car troubles. Buy a better car, or cope with her own repairs or whatever, but yeah - by thirty, one should be well on her way to managing adult problems oneself. It's fine to call family to help and it's fine to help a SIL out of a tight spot, but something on-going is for an adult to manage for herself.

[vonfirmath]

Even when single, I wouldn't repeatedly ask someone that far away to come rescue me!  I did have friends in the local area who occasionally rescued me. And other times I rescued myself. But I also kept my car in good repair and took it in to a mechanic at the first sign of trouble because I knew it was my only car and I didn't want to inconvenience others.

 

Now --  Yeah I might call my husband to come that far. When my dad (who lives in another state) is in town to a visit, I will take advantage of his presence to get him to perform auto repairs that my husband and I can't do -- buit I pay for the parts and just appreciate the free labor.

 

We have purchased AAA memberships for ourselves on occasion just to make sure we had someone to rescue in an emergency.

 

Edited November 30, 2015 by vonfirmath