Nm

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

[fairfarmhand]

Dating in the sense of "teens going to get a burger and watch a movie." I would not worry about.

 

 

Dating in college with the intent to marry...well, I would hope that my adult aged child could evaluate these things. And I would make a big effort to get to know the person in question. The cutural differences wouldn't bother me as much as the wealth/expectations might. But like I said. It would depend on the people involved.

[Catwoman]

How old are they?

[AK_Mom4]

DD21 had been dating her boyfriend a year before we met him (they were both away at college).  It was interesting getting used to the idea that there was someone we hardly know who is such a big part of her life now.

 

I think the trickiest part is letting go of the "she will come back here (home) after college" idea.  It's most likely they will settle some place far away from here.  I keep telling myself it is a good excuse to travel to that region of the country to visit.  I can see with an international student, it would be harder as visits would be more complicated.  It's tough to think that DD21 will graduate this spring and we won't automatically see her for Christmas holiday and summer break.

 

 

[maize]

There are definitely challenges in cross-cultural marriages, if I had a child headed that direction I would want to make sure that they were aware and thinking and talking about such issues. Beyond that, well, it is their life and they will have to find their way. I know quite a few people who have married interculturally and for the most part I think they would say that they face some challenges they would not have if marrying within their own culture but they have good marriages and are happy with the whole package they chose, if that makes sense.

[SKL]

I would make sure she clearly understands his long-term intentions early on.

 

I had an extreme crush on a rich Indian guy when I was a student.  (Not because he was rich, but the rich part is relevant because of cultural expectations on his side.)  Thankfully, he was always honest about his expectation that he would return to India and have a proper arranged marriage.  He was also decent enough not to try to make a fool of me.  I'm not sure if he would have succeeded, since I was kind of young and naive in those days.

 

I dated two foreign-born US citizens as I got older.  One of them would have been a nightmare to be married to.  He too was mostly honest though, and where he wasn't, I could see through him.  Still, our view can be distorted by unfounded hopes.  I broke away from him after he just went too far (physical and verbal abuse).  Otherwise, who knows what would have happened....

 

There are so many good marriages between people from different cultures.  I would encourage getting to know each other, but also trying very hard to remain realistic.  People generally don't change, and especially, traditional men don't change for women.  Sorry to say it.

[Crimson Wife]

TBH, I would be more concerned about a daughter than a son dating a foreigner, and much more concerned about someone who wasn't from a Western culture because of the whole chauvinism thing. Just like I'd be concerned about my daughter dating a man who was part of a highly patriarchal religion here in the U.S. I don't want my girls being treated like 2nd class citizens by their husbands and IL's.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Yeah, I'd be concerned if he were from a patriarchal culture as well.

[Reefgazer]

I would have concerns over some cultures, but not others.  This would be especially so if my DD decided to visit his family with him in his country, or eventually married him and visited his country.  I would not say anything unless the dating seriousness reached that level, though.

[Laura Corin]

I'm really glad that no one took me aside when I dated a Chinese man from China, and when I dated an American.  

 

Wealth difference or cultural difference I wouldn't worry about.  I would, as the pps mentioned, talk through, if possible without putting a child's back up, differences that might lead to oppression, whether in a same-country or different-country marriage.

[Sneezyone]

I'd like to think I'd be more concerned about the guy than the country or culture of origin since patriarchal douchebags seem to hail from all over the world but who knows. Secretly, I think I'd be excited to maybe have grand babies with dual citizenship and an extra language under their belt.

[Lady Florida.]

What does international student mean and how old are both parties in the couple? I'm not sure why it should be an issue.

 

One of dh's nephews married a woman from Japan. They met as college students at the University of Florida when he was her English tutor (she's actually older than he is, they were both adults, and he had a job on campus tutoring foreign students in English). That was years ago. They now have beautiful 4 yo twin girls.

 

A niece of his (not from dh's same sibling as above) married a man from Costa Rica. She was majoring in languages and met him while interning in Costa Rica (I guess that made her the international student). They have a 12 and a 9 yo. 

 

Of course not everyone who dates, or dates someone from a country other than their own will end up married, but I used our family examples to show how little of an issue it is to date an international student. They might end up happily married. They might break up. Either way, I don't see country of origin playing much of a role. 

 

I might have some misgivings if, as others said, I had a daughter dating someone from a patriarchal country and he believed in the traditions of his country.

[Amira]

I'd be delighted. The main thing I'd do now is to learn about his culture and encourage your daughter to do so, especially from sources that aren't connected to him, and especially regarding marriage and family.  That's useful no matter what happens.

 

If a serious relationship or marriage is possible, I wouldn't make a big deal specifically about the cultural differences. No one should go into an intercultural marriage without thinking things through or without talking about cultural expectations, but the same would apply to any marriage because there are different family cultures and those differences can be as great as more traditional cultural differences.  These are things you need to think about with any serious relationship.

 

I have met plenty of men from patriarchal cultures who did not practice those harmful cultural practices themselves.  But it's also possible that a lovely young man can have different expectations of a wife than he does of a girlfriend, and again of the mother of his children.  (But that can happen with anyone.)

 

 

 

[Kerileanne99]

Be thrilled:)

 

I dated several international exchange students when I was young. It taught me so much about people and cultures. I ended up marrying a British citizen and now my children are dual citizens. They get to travel to Europe at least every year.

 

I don't know how old your child is, but if they are young it is even better. I was absolutely 'in love' with an exchange student from Brazil for an entire 6 months. It was so bitter sweet. Eventually he went home and we wrote letters for a few months before drifting naturally apart. My heart was broken at the time! But looking back, I learned so much and have lovely memories. It was a very...safe way to have a teen relationship:)

[Guest]

  Are the concerns in my mind valid concerns or silly?  They are both young

 

Silly.

[Laura in CA]

My son is currently dating an international student, and the only thing I was thinking of possibly mentioning was that cultural differences are real and he should just be aware of them. She is a lovely young lady; she is mixed race and speaks fluently at least 2 languages other than English. It is definitely broadening my son's horizons -- he is talking about learning one of her native languages. :) My mind has skipped ahead to a possible wedding (my son is 20) in the future, and how excited I would be to visit her country. :) My mother married an international student, from a (then-)poor, patriarchal country, back when miscegenation was illegal in many parts of the U.S. (not in California), and despite some challenges, they have had a happy marriage for 50+ years. :D

 

 

ETA: I was an international student myself, for a year+, and I remember my younger siblings being afraid I would meet someone over there and never come home ... :)

 

 

[nd293]

Dd is only 14, and not dating, but cultural differences and their implications are already part of the general and ongoing discussion we have about dating, marriage and partners, along with values, financial behaviour, attitude to women etc. I saw some complicated situations arise when we lived in the Middle East, and the different laws regarding custody of children just terrify me. So it's not just 'cultural differences' in a broad sense, as though that will necessarily be a problem, it's about thinking through all the potential ramifications of any differences.

[Annie G]

If I recall, your daughter is a senior in high school. So at that age, I wouldn't be too concerned, but I would encourage them to keep it casual. Your dd plans to go to college, correct?  The expectation in our family was to finish college before getting married- not a requirement, but the kids were raised thinking that was the natural progression. 

 

With so many college kids studying abroad, this is a great opportunity for you to make sure your dd knows that some cultures view dating very differently than ours does.  Ds asked a Russian girl out and by date three the mother was making it clear that she expected an engagement.  No idea whether that was typical of their culture or just that family...but ds was not expecting that.  Quite the eye opener for him. 

 

 

[Storygirl]

I think it depends on the person. My brother married a woman from Romania, and she immigrated to the US after their wedding. Their daughter married a Chinese immigrant. My own children are immigrants, although they don't have familial ties to their native countries, because they were adopted as infants. I have a friend who married a girl from South Africa. I think in general that having a mix of cultures in one family is a positive thing, and that specifically it is more important whether they are compatible in essential ways than what country they are from.

 

Now, if it were to proceed to considering marriage, I would caution them to think through what it will look like to have family in different parts of the world. In the case of the people I know, it means that there are extended visits to the other country every year or two and lots of Skyping. Keeping in touch is easier than it used to be. The other issue is what would happen if there were ever a child custody battle that spanned more than one country, but that is unlikely and not something to worry about at this point.

 

If there are major differences in religion or beliefs about family structure or differing cultural expectations about roles of men and women, it's something to discuss up front at the beginning, before their emotions become too entangled. Otherwise, I'd like to think that I would trust my children to figure things out for themselves. We haven't reached the dating stage of life yet, so we'll see.

[Guest]

Don't quote, I will delete this later just in case :)

 

 

There are definitely challenges in cross-cultural marriages, if I had a child headed that direction I would want to make sure that they were aware and thinking and talking about such issues. Beyond that, well, it is their life and they will have to find their way. I know quite a few people who have married interculturally and for the most part I think they would say that they face some challenges they would not have if marrying within their own culture but they have good marriages and are happy with the whole package they chose, if that makes sense.

I had a friend divorce her high school sweetheart because, though he was a sweet guy and we all loved him, she wasn't aware of his expectations from a marriage as a Chinese immigrant. She was quite a free spirited, liberal, hippy type, and that ran pretty headlong into what he wanted from his wife and what she wanted from her husband. It was so sad, because they dated for several years and seemed like a great match.

 

Cultural background matters, and it can inform our experiences, responses, and expectations in the subtlest ways. Those ways ended up drip drip dripping into the end of their marriage, when she ran off with his best friend with whom she had as much in common with as him, but none of the cultural baggage. It was a total mess and sad.

 

It can work, that's just a cautionary tale.

[catz]

Our neighbor's daughter dated and then married a Norwegian man.  They met when she was studying overseas for a semester.  They've been married for going on 10 years and have 3 very young kids.  Seems to be working for them!  They are living overseas right now.  I know the travel and being far from family is difficult for them.

 

I don't know.  I hope by the time my kids are dating seriously and I don't feel the need to say anything unless my child asks for my advice or there's something like mental illness or abuse in the picture.  I would encourage a young couple that is considering marriage to do pre-marital counseling.   I will probably wonder and worry though!  What moms do best!  :001_smile: :grouphug:

[ocelotmom]

Having had a friend who ended up in a green-card marriage that turned abusive when she was 20, I admit I'd be a little leery of it.

 

But I'd make sure they were aware of my concerns in that regard (and certainly not all green card marriages are abusive) and otherwise let it go.

[AHASRADA]

Backing up everything shared here. DH and I married when I was 18 and he was 21. He was on a student visa, from a somewhat patriarchal culture, limited English proficient, and I had only completed 1 semester of college.

 

Obviously, my parents tried to dissuade me, mainly for financial and education reasons (they loved him). I was head over heels and couldn't be reasoned with, so we married and my parents let us live with them until we both finished college.

 

I definitely was blind-sided by small, every-day assumptions and customs that we didn't share, and we had to determine how we would function as a couple regardless of how our FOO did things. We grew together and integrated the best of both cultures into our family, but not without raised tempers. It also helped that I met him at a time of spiritual exploration, and chose to convert before we had even discussed marriage. Having the same worldview and goals in life trump most cultural issues.

 

I definitely would counsel someone considering and intercultural marriage to discuss important issues, but that counsel might better come from a neutral party who has BTDT rather than parents.

 

ETA: For those who can't see my sig, that was nearly 24 years and 3 dc ago. We believe our meeting was destiny.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Our neighbor's daughter dated and then married a Norwegian man.  They met when she was studying overseas for a semester.  They've been married for going on 10 years and have 3 very young kids.  Seems to be working for them!  They are living overseas right now.  I know the travel and being far from family is difficult for them.

 

I don't know.  I hope by the time my kids are dating seriously and I don't feel the need to say anything unless my child asks for my advice or there's something like mental illness or abuse in the picture.  I would encourage a young couple that is considering marriage to do pre-marital counseling.   I will probably wonder and worry though!  What moms do best!  :001_smile: :grouphug:

 

 

My plan is to just come here and vent the concern(s) here and not to her, haha.

[DawnM]

I grew up as an American overseas.  I have many of my American friends who have married people from other countries/cultures.  It can certainly work.  I personally wouldn't have a problem with it since I have dated internationally, BUT, I would also need to know that there were enough similarities/values/religious views, etc.....that it wouldn't be a huge transition or issue.

 

 

[Kathleen.]

Where is this boy from??

[Ann.without.an.e]

Where is this boy from??

He is from China and he is precious.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

[SKL]

sorry - on my phone and didn't realize it quoted. I erased it!

 

I'm not sure if this would be a struggle for dd. She is not the free spirited hippy type ;)

One of the reasons I ask this question is not because of this particular boy but dd's love for Asian people in general. Her best friends are all international students from China. She truly loves these girls and they adore her as well. She is small and not aggressive in personality so she finds them easy to be with. She blends in with them. They are young and I don't see this kid being dd's soul mate because of age (17). But, I could see her ending up with a student from Asia.

 

She sounds like me when I was young.  :)  I dated a Chinese man for about 6 years, but it was a long-distance (300-mile) relationship.  (We were good friends in law school, but we didn't date until some time after that.)  I would have married him, except that he kept changing his mind.  Turns out he had another girlfriend (also caucasian) and he married her.  He used to complain because I was too passive and unobtrusive.  I guess his other girlfriend was more outgoing etc.  So I don't think the danger was that he'd try to oppress me.

 

But, he was a US citizen.  He had basically defected from China, and while he loved his motherland, there were many things about it that he didn't agree with.  Now if the young man your daughter likes is a Chinese citizen, he's almost certainly going back to China, and he can't freely decide to emigrate from there.  As for going there to marry and raise kids in China, that would be quite a culture shock.  The economy, the one-child policy (does that apply to mixed marriages), the extreme competition from preschool on up, the lack of free speech as we know it....  I would want to be very very sure my kid knew what she was getting into.

 

(I'm assuming you are talking about PRC and not Taiwan.)

[elegantlion]

I would be excited and try to stay out of it, except to note to explore cultural differences. If ds has his way, it's more likely that he'll be the international student. We have discussed how dating might be viewed in his country of choice and how to deal with familial obligations that might ensue. 

 

My opinion might vary if they were only here for a semester or a year. My best friends in high school one year were 3 male foreign exchange students. I adored them all and one was my prom date, although we were not dating as that was not allowed by the exchange organization. I was heartbroken when they all left. One has since moved to the US, one attended college here, and one I lost touch with completely. So the reality is that if they are young and here for a very short time, they might not see each other again because of expense and distance. 

[Tsuga]

A high school romance? Not concerned about anything out of the ordinary. I married someone from another culture and while it didn't work out, the funny thing is, the traits that contributed to the divorce were traits he shares with many American and Western men.

 

"One of the reasons I ask this question is not because of this particular boy but dd's love for Asian people in general. Her best friends are all international students from China. She truly loves these girls and they adore her as well. She is small and not aggressive in personality so she finds them easy to be with. She blends in with them. They are young and I don't see this kid being dd's soul mate because of age (17). But, I could see her ending up with a student from Asia."

 

Ah. Well, there's the romance phase with a culture, then there's culture shock, then there's dealing with the every day. People move to China. I totally get that she may find it easy to be in that culture, naturally. I would just encourage her never to give up her US citizenship because you never know when you want to come back for a rest. ;) Otherwise, why not? It sounds like she is friends with the girls as well which is a great sign, in that they can help her understand his behavior a bit more in the cultural context.

[MercyA]

 They are young and I don't see this kid being dd's soul mate because of age (17).

 

I met my husband when we were 16. Just sayin'.  ;)

[Chris in VA]

My dearest friend's daughter married a man who is an American, but has Chinese parents. (From Taiwan, I think, actually. Still a different culture.) She got to travel to meet them recently and had a wonderful time. He's lovely, and they have much in common, esp their faith.

 

Ds married a woman from Russia--love her to death! Our grands will have two languages, and a rich cultural backround. Whatever happens as far as where they live, well, they are already far from us, so still just a plane ride away....

 

I do understand your concerns, but I think you just roll with it.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well I did basically that.  However, the cultural differences were not huge.  The hardest thing is long distance relationships.

 

No advice.  I don't think I'd outright discourage it because sometimes that only ends up encouraging someone more. 

 

 

[solascriptura]

I think a few of you have caught the core of my concern...not that he is Chinese but that with his family's wealth and influence in China he is surely expected to return there :/.

 

While this is jumping ahead... I guess that you don't want your dd to move there?  Considering how she loves Asian cultures, she may considering moving there one day even if she doesn't end up with this guy.  A friend of mine  (white but also loves asian culture) is trying to move to Japan even without being married.  

[Laura in CA]

I think a few of you have caught the core of my concern...not that he is Chinese but that with his family's wealth and influence in China he is surely expected to return there :/.

 

 

When I went to college, back in the  *cough*  1980s, one of the few pieces of advice my dad (from Asia, but not China) gave me was: "Don't fall in love with a Red Chinese -- they always go back." That's not 100% true anymore, but yes, if someone has the burden of expectations, he will almost certainly return.

 

Funny thing is, my younger brother did marry a "red" Chinese :) -- lovely young woman, very smart, attended Beida, etc. She is happy to be in this country (while keeping many of her traditions, particularly as regards child-raising). She was here on a student visa when they met. Many of her Chinese friends in this country (married to a fellow Chinese) have sent their kids home to be raised by grandparents in China from age 0-5, & they see their children about once a year. Very, very different from what we are used to. 

[Camelfeet]

I was an international student and I also dated one.  :D  My kids are expats, so anyone they date will probably be international.  That being said, if they are in the 15-18 range and the other party is only here on a year long student exchange I would be worried about "heartbreak" when their time together inevitably comes to a close.  I would also be concerned about the possibility that the other party is out for a good time rather than a genuine relationship.

 

If they are older, like college, then I wouldn't care.  I'd be excited about the possibility of going to a wedding in another country.  :D

[Annie G]

I think a few of you have caught the core of my concern...not that he is Chinese but that with his family's wealth and influence in China he is surely expected to return there :/.

 

On the plus side, the wealth means there is enough money for travel, and because they sent him here to study, they aren't opposed to him visiting the US.   

[TranquilMind]

I would make sure she clearly understands his long-term intentions early on.

 

I had an extreme crush on a rich Indian guy when I was a student.  (Not because he was rich, but the rich part is relevant because of cultural expectations on his side.)  Thankfully, he was always honest about his expectation that he would return to India and have a proper arranged marriage.  He was also decent enough not to try to make a fool of me.  I'm not sure if he would have succeeded, since I was kind of young and naive in those days.

 

I dated two foreign-born US citizens as I got older.  One of them would have been a nightmare to be married to.  He too was mostly honest though, and where he wasn't, I could see through him.  Still, our view can be distorted by unfounded hopes.  I broke away from him after he just went too far (physical and verbal abuse).  Otherwise, who knows what would have happened....

 

There are so many good marriages between people from different cultures.  I would encourage getting to know each other, but also trying very hard to remain realistic.  People generally don't change, and especially, traditional men don't change for women.  Sorry to say it.

The bolded is SO true.

 

Yes, get to know the man.  She may be just dating him, so no big deal.  But if they get serious, she needs to understand that she gets the man she sees, not the one she hopes he will be.  This sort of relationship (especially) has no room for idealism, and fantasies of beaches, or waterfalls or whatever is native to his land.  Cold, hard realism is required. 

[Plink]

If my kids decide to date,marry, or move internationally that is their choice. I will grieve for myself if they move away, and rejoice for them. I can't claim that I will do so gracefully however. I love those kids and am kinda' used to having them around.

 

As to cultural differences, they are a matter of preference. Perhaps your DD would be happier in that culture. It is her choice to make. Also, I doubt any conversation I could have with a young adult in love would make any impact beyond creating tension, so I'd work hard to hold my tongue.

[texasmama]

I am not a huge fan of teen relationships, but the international student part would not bother me as long as the young man is a nice boy.  Being Christian is important to me for the dating partners of my kids, but I have no control over that.  I think that being exposed to another culture could be very enriching for a teen.  It is doubtful to end in marriage and will most likely just end naturally when the young man goes back home. 

 

My main concern about teen relationships in general is that they can become a terrible distraction to school, friendships, and other activities.  IMO, it is not healthy for young people who are not in a time of life to be considering marriage to pour overly much time and energy into what are most likely temporary relationships.  I dated early and often from age 13 on, and none of those experiences really prepared me to have a healthy adult relationship, which colors my perspective.

 

So no, it would not bother me that my child dates an international student, just that my child dates at all, probably.  I sound very old-fashioned, but it is what it is.

[Reefgazer]

Yes, this.  A close friend of mine sent his child to be cared for by the grandparents while he and his wife built a life here.  I would also like to add that the family expectations and duties that are expected of a man are different from those expected from his wife.  In my friend's culture, the wife was expected to take care of her husband's family in their old age, which meant going to where they were or having them move in with them.  Not necessarily a bad thing, IMO, but something one should be aware of.

When I went to college, back in the  *cough*  1980s, one of the few pieces of advice my dad (from Asia, but not China) gave me was: "Don't fall in love with a Red Chinese -- they always go back." That's not 100% true anymore, but yes, if someone has the burden of expectations, he will almost certainly return.

 

Funny thing is, my younger brother did marry a "red" Chinese :) -- lovely young woman, very smart, attended Beida, etc. She is happy to be in this country (while keeping many of her traditions, particularly as regards child-raising). She was here on a student visa when they met. Many of her Chinese friends in this country (married to a fellow Chinese) have sent their kids home to be raised by grandparents in China from age 0-5, & they see their children about once a year. Very, very different from what we are used to. 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

[texasmama]

He sounds like a very nice young man, and I would be hard-pressed to object to him, even though I might not love the teen dating concept.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I would have some concerns if she were dating someone from a country with a very different culture where women are treated much differently than they are here in the USA. I know you cannot paint folks with broad brushes but even when a man has modern ideas is from a country where women are not treated well or thought of as lesser then he may have trouble getting beyond those beliefs. These beliefs may cause a bridge too far to cross for a relationship IMHO and from personal experience.

 

FTR, I am not saying to rule out such a relationship but I would not jump into marriage or committment right away either.

[texasmama]

Ok so we are similar in this and so is my dd. she wasn't seeking a "relationship". It unexpectedly bloomed from a friendship. They don't go off on "alone" dates per se if that makes sense? But, at the same time, their feelings are far more than just friends.

It sounds kind of sweet.  Since you can only advise or set limits on her actions and not her feelings, I think you have your answer.  I would likely allow the friendship to continue because the alternative seems cruel.  My answer would be different for a 13 year old, but I seem to recall your dd is 16-ish.

[Ann.without.an.e]

It sounds kind of sweet. Since you can only advise or set limits on her actions and not her feelings, I think you have your answer. I would likely allow the friendship to continue because the alternative seems cruel. My answer would be different for a 13 year old, but I seem to recall your dd is 16-ish.

Yes, 17. Good memory!

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm