Ugh. Awkward text-versation. Church content.

[Ginevra]

This is one of those, "I feel guilty when I say no" moments.

 

Many of you here know that, though I struggle with the faith, and for all intents and purposes am really a Deist, I do attend church regularly for the sake of maintaining stability for my children. And I like the church much more often than not; love the pastor, and have friends there. I know the church has been trying hard to gather new volunteers to work the children's program.

 

So a friend texts me today asking if I might be willing to serve for this coming school year. Oh, so very awkward. I want to say No in a very emphatic way, but I also feel terribly guilty. I actually almost responded with, "I am not a good candidate because I am an extremely poor example." Instead I said I was not eager. I said that it will be a problem because DH will not want to come for two services and it won't be optimal for us to come to church separately every week, which is all true. Actually, though I didn't say this, there is a good chance DH would just not bother if we go separately anyway. He would feel it was a waste of gas.

 

Soooo, now I feel like it is awkward when I see this friend again. The friend did say,"no problem, just thought I would ask,'" but I still feel like a guilty slacker.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Let it go.

 

~Frozen

[shinyhappypeople]

Slacker.

 

;)

 

You did the right thing.  In the future, it's really okay to say, "I feel strongly that God's not calling me to that area of ministry right now."  Heaven knows, it's true.

 

[Slache]

If I were the person that asked you I never would have had a second thought about it. I would not have asked you if I didn't respect you and if I respect you I understand that you said no for a good reason.

[SKL]

Don't feel bad.  Not everyone can volunteer.  Just yesterday I was asked if I could do any of a list of things for scouts.  I believe my answer was "unfortunately, due to my work schedule and the fact that I live pretty far from [city where they meet], I am unable to commit to any of the below.  I might be able to assist with some things that involve working at home, or shopping."  I received a kind response.

 

Since you have already responded, let it go and don't feel bad about it.  If you get another request, maybe consider what you "can" do and put that out there.  If you want to, that is.  :)

 

I don't do any volunteering at church or my kids' school, which probably looks bad.  I actually want to volunteer, as I always have in the past.  But I have to accept that this is a season of life when I usually can't.  I'm already burning the candle at both ends.  I donate money instead.

[Guest]

If I were the person that asked you I never would have had a second thought about it. I would not have asked you if I didn't respect you and if I respect you I understand that you said no for a good reason.

Aww, thanks. This friend thinks the same. He just texted that he did not mean to shame me. I told him it is my fault; I have an overdeveloped sense of obligation. Seriously. That is why I cannot watch those Starving Children television ads. I will sell my wardrobe thinking I can save the poor, swollen-bellied babies. :(

[Slache]

Aww, thanks. This friend thinks the same. He just texted that he did not mean to shame me. I told him it is my fault; I have an overdeveloped sense of obligation. Seriously. That is why I cannot watch those Starving Children television ads. I will sell my wardrobe thinking I can save the poor, swollen-bellied babies. :(

I'm the same. I traveled the country volunteering and living in tents before I had kids. I was blessed with a vision problem that prevents me from driving. And yes it really is a blessing! I can't go around signing up for everything because I can't get anywhere. It keeps our home life very balanced and cures the "oh, she's just a stay at home mom we'll have her do it" problem.

[catz]

I know the feeling. But I feel like it is better to know your limits up front than and to say no than to have regrets and be bitter all year about it. Or worse yet, do a half a$$ job. So forget it and enjoy your year!

[AnnE-girl]

I know the feeling. But I feel like it is better to know your limits up front than and to say no than to have regrets and be bitter all year about it. Or worse yet, do a half a$$ job. So forget it and enjoy your year!

Exactly. I went from saying that I could only assist (take attendance, help keep order, but not actually teach etc.) in DS's religion class last year to agreeing to co-teach with DH when they were getting desperate for teachers. I regretted it every week. I just can't put that much time into teaching at church along with homeschooling. I am resisting feeling guilty as I see the request for volunteers in the bulletin every week. I can take a year or two off, it really will be ok.

 

Quill, don't feel guilty. You definitely aren't called to be doing this right now, or ever.

[elegantlion]

"No, I cannot volunteer" is a complete sentence. I know when I was in church it felt like such a guilt trip to say no. It shouldn't, you're fine. 

 

I also keep this thought in mind sometimes.  :lol:

[Guest]

Consider all your posts liked. Why? Because I also feel too much duty to Like everything I like and the Hive Powers That Be are trying to rein me in from my whorish liking.

[Rachel]

Don't worry about it at all, it's ok to say no. I am very involved in my church and so are my kids. However, I do not teach, I don't enjoy teaching groups of children. It was really freeing the first time I said no.

[Tess in the Burbs]

This year I told anyone asking me to commit to let me think about it as I had other opportunities. I then waited 48 hours to decide. And I said no to many things. In theory I could have said no to all lol. Don't feel guilty. You know your heart and time availability.

[Word Nerd]

It doesn't sound awkward to me. She asked you a question and you said no. I bet she hasn't given it another thought. You shouldn't either.

 

(I do get feeling guilty and may need to remind myself of this advice later this fall when I stand firm on my decision not to be a club leader again for another two-year term. I've been doing it four years, and it's time for another parent to step up.)

[Junie]

Quill,

You did the right thing.  Since you are struggling with your faith at the moment, I thank you (as the mother of children in similar programs), for saying "no".  IMO, these are the types of jobs that are for people who would enthusiastically teach the subject matter.

 

I know the "feel like a slacker" thing, too.  This year, when my church had Vacation Bible School, I dropped off all 6 kids and ran...to go shopping!

 

:grouphug:

[Little Nyssa]

It's OK to say no. :)

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

You did the right thing.  In the future, it's really okay to say, "I feel strongly that God's not calling me to that area of ministry right now."  Heaven knows, it's true.

 

Absolutely agree with this. 

 

Don't feel guilty at all.  Guilt is never, ever a good reason to get involved in any ministry.  Ever.

 

[MyThreeSons]

This is one of those, "I feel guilty when I say no" moments.

 

Many of you here know that, though I struggle with the faith, and for all intents and purposes am really a Deist, I do attend church regularly for the sake of maintaining stability for my children. And I like the church much more often than not; love the pastor, and have friends there. I know the church has been trying hard to gather new volunteers to work the children's program.

 

So a friend texts me today asking if I might be willing to serve for this coming school year. Oh, so very awkward. I want to say No in a very emphatic way, but I also feel terribly guilty. I actually almost responded with, "I am not a good candidate because I am an extremely poor example." Instead I said I was not eager. I said that it will be a problem because DH will not want to come for two services and it won't be optimal for us to come to church separately every week, which is all true. Actually, though I didn't say this, there is a good chance DH would just not bother if we go separately anyway. He would feel it was a waste of gas.

 

Soooo, now I feel like it is awkward when I see this friend again. The friend did say,"no problem, just thought I would ask,'" but I still feel like a guilty slacker.

 

Are you a member of the church? Most churches around here won't allow non-members to serve in the children's ministry. And generally people cannot become members if they do not affirm the church's statement of faith or whatever documents they have. So, it seems like you could have an automatic "out": I'm sorry, but I'm not a member. I know I've been attending for a while now, but I'm not ready to take that step.

[The Girls' Mom]

Nothing to feel guilty about IMO.  I avoid children's ministry like the plague, and most people have finally realized this..lol.  

 

If God calls you to serve, then serve.  Otherwise, don't let them hound you into it.

[marbel]

I don't get what you feel guilty about.  You have a good reason for saying no - even if it really isn't the primary reason.  

 

BTW I do everything I can to avoid children's ministry things.  I do volunteer in the nursery mainly because there is a huge need for it, and I don't have to do it too often.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

we give you permission to say no and to not feel guilty about it.  :grouphug:

[Mimm]

I'm not good at saying no either. And I feel guilty even when I didn't do anything wrong. I'm working on letting that go.

[J-rap]

Don't feel guilty.  I've finally learned that I don't even need to tell people my reasons anymore. 

 

"No, sorry, it won't work out this time.  Thanks for asking!"

 

 

[Guest]

Are you a member of the church? Most churches around here won't allow non-members to serve in the children's ministry. And generally people cannot become members if they do not affirm the church's statement of faith or whatever documents they have. So, it seems like you could have an automatic "out": I'm sorry, but I'm not a member. I know I've been attending for a while now, but I'm not ready to take that step.

Not officially, no. I have been a regular attender for something like six years. This church doesn't go to any effort to designate actual members. If you work with the children, you agree to a background check, but not a SOF. I have assisted with the summer programs before, so presumably, I am already "cleared."

[Guest]

Don't feel guilty. I've finally learned that I don't even need to tell people my reasons anymore.

 

"No, sorry, it won't work out this time. Thanks for asking!"

You are right. In many instances, I have no problem with this. Invite me to your Arbonne party; I am fine to say No thank you without attaching my reasons or excuses.

 

I'm sure part of it is that it is church. My parents were at church anytime the doors were open and always had major roles there; my mother was the Children's Church Director. So yes, I heard many bitter complaints about parents exactly like myself, who availed themselves of the children's program every week, yet never assisted.

[marbel]

You are right. In many instances, I have no problem with this. Invite me to your Arbonne party; I am fine to say No thank you without attaching my reasons or excuses.

 

I'm sure part of it is that it is church. My parents were at church anytime the doors were open and always had major roles there; my mother was the Children's Church Director. So yes, I heard many bitter complaints about parents exactly like myself, who availed themselves of the children's program every week, yet never assisted.

 

That is a church culture problem.  Of course churches need volunteers to run their programs. But they don't need every participant to help. And if it turns out there are not enough volunteers to run it, well, maybe the program isn't needed.  Of course it is different when people demand programs or activities but refuse to help with them, but I don't think that's what you're talking about. 

 

As someone who periodically needs to drum up volunteers, I'd rather just hear "no, sorry, I can't help with that" than a variation on "I don't feel called to that."  The latter sounds like a Christian cop-out to me. 

 

 

[catz]

Our church's religious education program requires every family to volunteer 10 hours a year. You can teach. But you can also paint or help with supplies. You can be an on call sub. You can teach or volunteer with any age from nursery to high school. You can be an aide for a special needs child. It is a nice way to spread the burden without hitting any one family too hard. And there are more committed roles for those willing to be with kids every Sunday for half or all year.

 

If they really want a wide base of volunteers, it helps to spread things around and give people options. I am pretty burned on working with middle elementary ages!

[ThisIsTheDay]

 So yes, I heard many bitter complaints about parents exactly like myself, who availed themselves of the children's program every week, yet never assisted.

 

That's like saying that you listen to the preaching every week but never do it yourself. 

 

 

 

As someone who periodically needs to drum up volunteers, I'd rather just hear "no, sorry, I can't help with that" than a variation on "I don't feel called to that."  The latter sounds like a Christian cop-out to me. 

 

 

You have it twisted here.  You think someone listening to God's will in their life is a "cop out," and yet you find yourself routinely "drumming up" volunteers.  Churches should have God's vision for their church, not man's vision.

 

God will provide people to do His will.  If the church focuses on teaching the Word of God, you will see fruit in its members (official members or those who are a part of the church).  If people are not led by the Holy Spirit to be in ministry, it will not succeed, and that ministry certainly will not be bringing glory to God.

 

Christian cop-out?  Not even close.

[marbel]

That's like saying that you listen to the preaching every week but never do it yourself. 

 

 

 

You have it twisted here.  You think someone listening to God's will in their life is a "cop out," and yet you find yourself routinely "drumming up" volunteers.  Churches should have God's vision for their church, not man's vision.

 

God will provide people to do His will.  If the church focuses on teaching the Word of God, you will see fruit in its members (official members or those who are a part of the church).  If people are not led by the Holy Spirit to be in ministry, it will not succeed, and that ministry certainly will not be bringing glory to God.

 

Christian cop-out?  Not even close.

 

Sorry, poor wording on my part.  By "drumming up" I meant looking for volunteers.  Not beating people over the head with guilt to volunteer but simply asking "can you help with x?"

 

Yes, God will provide the volunteers to do his will and of course people should be praying and seeking God's will for their lives - that's not what I mean by "cop-out" and has nothing to do with what I'm saying. 

 

It's just... hearing people say "I'm not called to that" is not any better to me than "I can't do that."   The result is the same: the person is not available to volunteer.    I don't think badly of them for not being available (for whatever reason) to help with whatever it is I'm seeking help for.  "I don't feel called to help with that" sounds like a person trying to sound pious. It sounds fake.  I would rather people just say no without giving a reason.   That is a personal preference based on years of experience volunteering and sometimes seeking volunteers in a church setting. 

 

 

[Murphy101]

I will not attend something near mass without dh bc he is not a believer and thus if I'm not with him, he isn't at mass. I greatly appreciate the example of having my children's father attend mass with us, so even if I was okay with him staying home, I would not separate us for that reason.

 

And yes, people not married to someone of a different belief often don't comprehend the road I navigate and it can be awkward.

[kirstenhill]

Quill, I agree that you are just fine.  I need to fill volunteer positions at church all the time and I ask a lot of people.  I know that many will say "no" and a few will say yes, and it typically all works out in the end.

 

 

Sorry, poor wording on my part.  By "drumming up" I meant looking for volunteers.  Not beating people over the head with guilt to volunteer but simply asking "can you help with x?"

 

Yes, God will provide the volunteers to do his will and of course people should be praying and seeking God's will for their lives - that's not what I mean by "cop-out" and has nothing to do with what I'm saying. 

 

It's just... hearing people say "I'm not called to that" is not any better to me than "I can't do that."   The result is the same: the person is not available to volunteer.    I don't think badly of them for not being available (for whatever reason) to help with whatever it is I'm seeking help for.  "I don't feel called to help with that" sounds like a person trying to sound pious. It sounds fake.  I would rather people just say no without giving a reason.   That is a personal preference based on years of experience volunteering and sometimes seeking volunteers in a church setting. 

 

I will agree with you on this Marbel.  I don't think I've actually ever had someone say this to me, but it would drive me nuts if someone did say it.  While it may be the truth (someone prayed about it and God led them not to serve in a particular ministry), the flippant sounding response of "I don't feel called" just comes off sounding like an excuse somehow.  I too prefer if people just say "no, I won't be able to help out."  Or even  "I'm serving in other areas right now."  Or "I'm too busy during the week of xyz event this year, but maybe next year."    I guess I have had people say (when I am recruiting for a particular age Sunday school class), "That age kids drive me nuts.  I am going to help serve coffee instead."  Or something like that.  :lol:  It was honest and I knew not to ask them about that age group in the future.

 

Maybe the "I don't feel called" thing comes down to my feeling that it takes everyone (or almost everyone) pitching in to make a church work (I guess unless it is a super big church? I've only attended small to medium sized churches).  I doubt anyone "feels called" to sweep the floor, but someone still has to do it.  It is between each person and God how they are going to pitch in (certainly everyone doesn't need to pitch in by serving in Children's ministry -- some people will pitch in through floor sweeping, bulletin folding, or prayer). 

 

I've done things I didn't feel specifically "Called" to do simply because someone needed to do it.  It is nice in the grand scheme of things if we could all serve in our areas of gifting and preference, but on the other hand we are also called as Christians to lay down our life and serve...which might include doing a task you don't like for at least a certain period of time to help the church to run smoothly.  There's a balance, for sure.

[Garga]

The Children's pastor at my church was adamant that she did NOT want volunteers who did not want to be there. When you're working with children, you'd better want to be there or you can do more harm than good. She did not want a bunch of bitter, worn out volunteers working around children.

 

Remember that article a few months ago? It was about a woman who applied at a daycare and posted on Facebook something about how she was glad she got the job, but didn't really like working with kids. The new employer found out about the post and fired her before she had a chance to start work. But it was for the best.

 

I'm not saying you don't like kids! I'm just saying that at the first sign of burnout or disinterest, the Children's pastor would rather the volunteer have left than stay and subtly or unwittingly create a negative atmosphere around the kids.

 

So...don't help out--guilt free. It's better for you to stay away if you're ambivalent about it.

[Garga]

This reminds me of when a teenager who was helping set up VBS called me to ask for help. Here's how the conversation went:

 

Teen: Have you considered helping at VBS?

Me: (answer the question exactly as asked) No. (Because I hadn't CONSIDERED it yet. It hadn't crossed my mind.)

Teen: Uh...ok...well...goodbye.

 

I thought, what an awkward teen. Why'd she even call me. It took me 10 minute to realize she didn't want to know whether I'd considered helping at VBS. She meant, "Will you help at VBS."

 

My flat "NO" must have scared her. I considered calling her back to explain and then realized my answer would still be NO. I really, really, really did not want to help at VBS.

 

P.S. Four years later I'm typing this WHILE I'M HELPING AT VBS. Ugh! But it's in a way I like. I do photography and I've set up a photobooth for the kids to take silly pictures of themselves. I don't have to teach anyone or take preschoolers to the potty or keep 2nd graders from running around. All I do is make sure no one knocks over the camera. Easy! Right now no one is here so I'm playing online. :)

 

(Quill--in fact, I'm sitting in a room where I can look out and see the spot where we all took our hive get-together picture in front of that space mural.)

[Guest]

Re: "called to/not called to": I personally would not use these words because they sound so fake and Christianese to me, having heard them a billion times in my life. It would, howver, be accurate if I used them: I don't feel called to it. It is accurate. I have my doubts that God calls anyone to anything; I think people make decisions, even self-sacrificing ones, becuse of the benefit they hope to gain. If motives are totally altruistic, it might be, "I want to gain the satisfaction of leading young ones to this Joy that I have found." If motives are less so, they might be, "I want to be well thought-of; I want people to view me as helpful and generous."

 

I have little doubt that the later is my own thinking; thus, I feel guilty if there is a chance the relevant people will not think well of me and will think I am a service-taker.

[school17777]

This reminds me of when a teenager who was helping set up VBS called me to ask for help. Here's how the conversation went:

 

Teen: Have you considered helping at VBS?

Me: (answer the question exactly as asked) No. (Because I hadn't CONSIDERED it yet. It hadn't crossed my mind.)

Teen: Uh...ok...well...goodbye.

 

I thought, what an awkward teen. Why'd she even call me. It took me 10 minute to realize she didn't want to know whether I'd considered helping at VBS. She meant, "Will you help at VBS."

 

My flat "NO" must have scared her. I considered calling her back to explain and then realized my answer would still be NO. I really, really, really did not want to help at VBS.

 

P.S. Four years later I'm typing this WHILE I'M HELPING AT VBS. Ugh! But it's in a way I like. I do photography and I've set up a photobooth for the kids to take silly pictures of themselves. I don't have to teach anyone or take preschoolers to the potty or keep 2nd graders from running around. All I do is make sure no one knocks over the camera. Easy! Right now no one is here so I'm playing online. :)

 

(Quill--in fact, I'm sitting in a room where I can look out and see the spot where we all took our hive get-together picture in front of that space mural.)

Garga, this reminds me even more that we should try to get the hive together again soon. I have been thinking about it for several days.

[Carol in Cal.]

I quit choir so that I could sit with my daughter in church when she was in fifth grade.  She is a sophomore in college now, and people still gossip about me for not being in choir.  But, the worship schedule at our church has changed so that the choir has to be there at 8AM instead of 9:30 AM, and my voice is too phlegmy that early to be reliable.  So whatever.  The gossip culture around stuff like that is really awful. 

 

Having said that, there is a relevant Bible passage about giving to the church financially that I think also applies to volunteer work.  It is "The Lord loves a cheerful giver."  I do a lot of volunteering at church, and I'm also very selective about it.  I only do things that I will enjoy, or at least not resent.  And I think that that improves the culture of the church.  No one is drawn to a bunch of martyrish people whining all the time about their service.

 

 

[Guest]

Garga, this reminds me even more that we should try to get the hive together again soon. I have been thinking about it for several days.

I have been thinking about this too!

[Guest]

I quit choir so that I could sit with my daughter in church when she was in fifth grade. She is a sophomore in college now, and people still gossip about me for not being in choir. But, the worship schedule at our church has changed so that the choir has to be there at 8AM instead of 9:30 AM, and my voice is too phlegmy that early to be reliable. So whatever. The gossip culture around stuff like that is really awful.

 

Having said that, there is a relevant Bible passage about giving to the church financially that I think also applies to volunteer work. It is "The Lord loves a cheerful giver." I do a lot of volunteering at church, and I'm also very selective about it. I only do things that I will enjoy, or at least not resent. And I think that that improves the culture of the church. No one is drawn to a bunch of martyrish people whining all the time about their service.

That is a good point. I don't think I have considered it in the non-financial sense.

[Jennifer132]

I would let it go. I'm sure she understands that you don't want to, and if you haven't opened up yet your waning faith, this probably isn't the conversation to bring that to light anyway. I would not feel bad at all!

[Reefgazer]

I've been in this position, and I just say "For various reasons I can't take this on, but is there a smaller and less involved way I can help?"  Put it on yourself, that you are over-extended and wouldn't do a good job, or that you are not " feeling up to it right now", or whatever.  In other words, decline graciously for this particular job, but offer to do something smaller.

[Miss Mousie]

Re: "called to/not called to": I personally would not use these words because they sound so fake and Christianese to me, having heard them a billion times in my life. It would, howver, be accurate if I used them: I don't feel called to it. It is accurate. I have my doubts that God calls anyone to anything; I think people make decisions, even self-sacrificing ones, becuse of the benefit they hope to gain. If motives are totally altruistic, it might be, "I want to gain the satisfaction of leading young ones to this Joy that I have found." If motives are less so, they might be, "I want to be well thought-of; I want people to view me as helpful and generous."

 

 

I agree completely.

[Chris in VA]

Eh, you can point to me, the Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife.

 

"I have this Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife friend, and you know what? She never does the altar flowers, she doesn't teach VBS or Sunday School, she doesn't help with Coffee Hour, she doesn't sing in the choir, she doesn't come over to help at Clean Up Day! She's not on any of the guilds, doesn't knit caps for kids with cancer, doesn't do prayer shawls, and doesn't even teach Bible Study!!"

 

"Gasp! How SCANDALOUS! What DOES she do?"

 

"She feels her ministry is to be kind, welcoming to strangers, participate in her husband's Sunday School classes, go to church, give encouragement to others, pray, teach preschool at another church, raise her family, talk deeply with her friends, and share the gospel by loving Jesus as best she can."

 

(I used to say, "she sleeps with the Rector!" but that isn't always the best line...)

 

My point is that I feel most ministry takes place outside the church building, where we LIVE. So yes, some are "called" to do ministry AT church, but most of us are called to be the church in the WORLD, and share the gospel by how we do our jobs, raise our kids, support our friends, etc.

 

So--you get a pass from me.

 

[Guest]

Eh, you can point to me, the Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife.

 

"I have this Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife friend, and you know what? She never does the altar flowers, she doesn't teach VBS or Sunday School, she doesn't help with Coffee Hour, she doesn't sing in the choir, she doesn't come over to help at Clean Up Day! She's not on any of the guilds, doesn't knit caps for kids with cancer, doesn't do prayer shawls, and doesn't even teach Bible Study!!"

 

"Gasp! How SCANDALOUS! What DOES she do?"

 

"She feels her ministry is to be kind, welcoming to strangers, participate in her husband's Sunday School classes, go to church, give encouragement to others, pray, teach preschool at another church, raise her family, talk deeply with her friends, and share the gospel by loving Jesus as best she can."

 

(I used to say, "she sleeps with the Rector!" but that isn't always the best line...)

 

My point is that I feel most ministry takes place outside the church building, where we LIVE. So yes, some are "called" to do ministry AT church, but most of us are called to be the church in the WORLD, and share the gospel by how we do our jobs, raise our kids, support our friends, etc.

 

So--you get a pass from me.

I really like this. And you're right.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Sorry, poor wording on my part.  By "drumming up" I meant looking for volunteers.  Not beating people over the head with guilt to volunteer but simply asking "can you help with x?"

 

 

 

Thank you for clarifying.  (Can you tell I have issues with pushing people to volunteer and churches with an overabundance of programs?) :)

 

Not to your comment but to the others who say they don't "like" this response.  I find that so odd that anyone would be bothered by an honest answer.  It's too "Christianese?"   Really, a strange response that someone would be *bothered* to hear this.  In church. 

[Guest]

Thank you for clarifying. (Can you tell I have issues with pushing people to volunteer and churches with an overabundance of programs?) :)

 

Not to your comment but to the others who say they don't "like" this response. I find that so odd that anyone would be bothered by an honest answer. It's too "Christianese?" Really, a strange response that someone would be *bothered* to hear this. In church.

Yeah, to me, it's too Christianese. When I first started hsing, a lot of parents would defensively say, "I don't feel called to do that." Well, I wasn't asking you to. Just telling the person what *we* are doing.

[kirstenhill]

Thank you for clarifying.  (Can you tell I have issues with pushing people to volunteer and churches with an overabundance of programs?) :)

 

Not to your comment but to the others who say they don't "like" this response.  I find that so odd that anyone would be bothered by an honest answer.  It's too "Christianese?"   Really, a strange response that someone would be *bothered* to hear this.  In church. 

 

Yeah...too Christianese.  I'm not sure anyone has actually said it to me though.  In writing, I feel like I am imagining someone saying it with a flippant tone of voice.  Or like it was something you would just "say" without real meaning because it sounds better than being honest about not liking the task or being too busy.   I've had people say IRL, "I prayed about doing xyz and I don't think it's the right role for me right now."   Same meaning, different "tone."  

 

I guess I was also imagining someone saying it to a really basic task, and it not really matching.  Obviously it takes a lot of thought and commitment to chose to teach Sunday school all year.   If I am asking someone, "can I sign you up to help with snacks on Thursday at VBS?"  And if their response was, "I don't feel called to do that."  -- That would just be kind of silly, because in my mind it doesn't take much "calling" to come put treats on plates for an hour.     Maybe no real person would actually say that in that circumstance.  When I am trying to find volunteers for VBS, people generally either say, "sure"  or "sorry,  I can't because I am busy/out of town/at work/etc" 

[marbel]

Thank you for clarifying.  (Can you tell I have issues with pushing people to volunteer and churches with an overabundance of programs?) :)

 

Not to your comment but to the others who say they don't "like" this response.  I find that so odd that anyone would be bothered by an honest answer.  It's too "Christianese?"   Really, a strange response that someone would be *bothered* to hear this.  In church. 

 

I have never been comfortable with churches with so many programs they needed an army of volunteers - or a few overburdened ones - to run things. 

 

I did also say I don't like that response.  In my experience, it just sounds fake.  OK, everything I'm going to say reflects my experience and not the world at large.  I'm sure this varies.  But thinking back, the people who were dedicated to the church, and did stuff when stuff needed to be done - they never talk like that.  If I or someone asked them to do something, they'd either agree or say no. They might say they'd think about it and get back.  But they never said "I don't feel called to do that."  It was just "I can't" or "not this time" or "I am a terrible SS teacher but I'd be happy to help in other ways."  The people who said things like "let me pray about that and get back to you" never got back to me. Never ever.   I learned that if someone said "I'll need to pray about that" I should just cross them off my list because I wouldn't hear back. 

 

So I am left with the impression that it is fake piety, something people say to sound more Christian. 

 

I do a lot of things I don't feel "called" to do.  I help in the nursery because they need help, and it's something I can do.  I don't love doing it - I don't hate it either and I am very nice to the kids, not a grumbly old nursery lady.  :-)  But it requires no prep time and it makes me miss the service only once every 6 weeks or so.  No big deal.  I am on the rotation to make coffee on Sunday mornings.  I don't like making coffee for some reason.  It stresses me out.  But I like drinking it.  :-)  So, I participate in that way.  I don't teach SS because I don't like teaching groups of kids.  (Funny how people expect the homeschool mom to love teaching.)   I'm bad at it.  And I just say that (though it's been a long time since I've been asked, because they know I'm not going to do it). 

 

So there you go.  ;-)

 

So, that's why I don't like it.  But as always YMMV!  Maybe I am just cynical. 

 

[Liz CA]

This is one of those, "I feel guilty when I say no" moments.

 

Many of you here know that, though I struggle with the faith, and for all intents and purposes am really a Deist, I do attend church regularly for the sake of maintaining stability for my children. And I like the church much more often than not; love the pastor, and have friends there. I know the church has been trying hard to gather new volunteers to work the children's program.

 

So a friend texts me today asking if I might be willing to serve for this coming school year. Oh, so very awkward. I want to say No in a very emphatic way, but I also feel terribly guilty. I actually almost responded with, "I am not a good candidate because I am an extremely poor example." Instead I said I was not eager. I said that it will be a problem because DH will not want to come for two services and it won't be optimal for us to come to church separately every week, which is all true. Actually, though I didn't say this, there is a good chance DH would just not bother if we go separately anyway. He would feel it was a waste of gas.

 

Soooo, now I feel like it is awkward when I see this friend again. The friend did say,"no problem, just thought I would ask,'" but I still feel like a guilty slacker.

 

No reason to feel guilty. It did not fit into your current schedule. Perhaps in the future it will but there is no need to feel guilty if it does not. Good boundary exercise!  :)

[Miss Mousie]

Eh, you can point to me, the Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife.

 

"I have this Non-Volunteering Rector's Wife friend, and you know what? She never does the altar flowers, she doesn't teach VBS or Sunday School, she doesn't help with Coffee Hour, she doesn't sing in the choir, she doesn't come over to help at Clean Up Day! She's not on any of the guilds, doesn't knit caps for kids with cancer, doesn't do prayer shawls, and doesn't even teach Bible Study!!"

 

"Gasp! How SCANDALOUS! What DOES she do?"

 

"She feels her ministry is to be kind, welcoming to strangers, participate in her husband's Sunday School classes, go to church, give encouragement to others, pray, teach preschool at another church, raise her family, talk deeply with her friends, and share the gospel by loving Jesus as best she can."

 

(I used to say, "she sleeps with the Rector!" but that isn't always the best line...)

 

My point is that I feel most ministry takes place outside the church building, where we LIVE. So yes, some are "called" to do ministry AT church, but most of us are called to be the church in the WORLD, and share the gospel by how we do our jobs, raise our kids, support our friends, etc.

 

So--you get a pass from me.

 

Chris, this atheist thinks you are totally COOL.  :coolgleamA:  

[Professormom]

This is one of those, "I feel guilty when I say no" moments.

 

Many of you here know that, though I struggle with the faith, and for all intents and purposes am really a Deist, I do attend church regularly for the sake of maintaining stability for my children. And I like the church much more often than not; love the pastor, and have friends there. I know the church has been trying hard to gather new volunteers to work the children's program.

 

So a friend texts me today asking if I might be willing to serve for this coming school year. Oh, so very awkward. I want to say No in a very emphatic way, but I also feel terribly guilty. I actually almost responded with, "I am not a good candidate because I am an extremely poor example." Instead I said I was not eager. I said that it will be a problem because DH will not want to come for two services and it won't be optimal for us to come to church separately every week, which is all true. Actually, though I didn't say this, there is a good chance DH would just not bother if we go separately anyway. He would feel it was a waste of gas.

 

Soooo, now I feel like it is awkward when I see this friend again. The friend did say,"no problem, just thought I would ask,'" but I still feel like a guilty slacker.

I didn't read the rest of the responses, but you have no reason to feel guilty. You do other things:-) I HATE being asked to do anything with children's ministry, lol. I don't really like being with kids, other than mine. I am not good with them, and I am not nice and nurturing, lol. More like a drill Sargent. People know this about me and still ask. I have just gotten to the point where I know my strengths and weaknesses and unless I am feeling convicted that God wants me in a position, I say no. Nicely, just like you did. You don't have to justify it.

 

Work to your strengths. I am glad your friend was nice. Next time you see her, don't even mention it. You two have more important things to talk about, lol. Now go drown the guilt monster in a big cuppa Joe:-)