Elisabet1 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Despite posting it here, I actually never brought up with my husband how rotten the girls at ballet were. Then, yesterday, he took our son. This time, he sat outside the classroom. He came home and came to me and said "you would not believe those girls at dance and how nasty they were to the boys!" Yeah..I know. He said he said nothing. He didn't know what to say. I am at a loss too. This is for the Nutcracker and we don't want to get in to fights or a situation where it is hard to face people. What should we say? Clearly, what I said last week did not do anything. He said they were pointing at the boys, laughing at them and saying what losers they were and bad dancers and so on. This is a partner dance. It is for the scene of the Russians. I am considering telling them next week to cool it, they are not being nice. But their mothers are always sitting right there and laughing it off! I am not even sure what words to say so if you have specific suggestions, I would appreciate it. They do all this when they are sitting right outside the door and looking through the glass at the boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 can you let the instructors know? Do you have a camera or phone? I'd be tempted to pretend to text and get a video of them and show it to the owner/manager of the studio. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 The best retort may be to dance better and let it roll off like water off a duck's back. Interesting that their mothers seem to think it's funny. If the shoe were on the other foot...well, you know what I mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I am so sorry. My son is a dancer at a ballet school and stuff like that would NEVER fly, not with the other dancers, not with the parents and not with the teacher. I am not saying things are perfect, but for one dancer to make any kind of negative comment about another dancer's abilities is simply not tolerated. I would quietly record it and play it for the teacher. That is unacceptable on so many levels. Would they prefer the boys leave and they have none to dance with? Because there are plenty of dance schools that would be happy to have a bunch of male dancers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 The best retort may be to dance better and let it roll off like water off a duck's back. Interesting that their mothers seem to think it's funny. If the shoe were on the other foot...well, you know what I mean. The boys are doing a great job. The girls are just being mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would tell the MOTHERS, enough is enough. This is not fun for my son. Do you want us to finish the performance? Apologize and knock it off. They should be the ones embarrassed about this behavior, not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 No trouble here with mean girls at dance. My son did have trouble with another boy. This was years ago. But not that I don't believe it. It's odd to me that sometimes I see kids behaving poorly and other times there seems to be no sign of it. I don't know what one organization does differently than another in this realm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have not taken it to the director because I did not want to be "one of those parents" who makes waves. Should I go to him and tell him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 sigh.... how old are they? it might be effective to have one of the pointe dancers speak to the presumably younger girls about how pas de deux are not possible without boys, so that rather than laughing at them they should be baking them cookies! they need them to want to stay around. flip side is that it is never okay to laugh at someone else who is doing their best. (regardless of outcome). the ballet mistress needs to know. how she deals with it will tell you all you need to know about sticking around or not. tell him to hang in there! ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 My son is only ten years old. But the girls were talking about being at the 6th grade center public school. So I assume they are 11 and 12. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 another approach would be suggest to the ballet studio that they cover the glass with paper so that the girls can't upset the boys by making fun of them. or just go in early and do it yourself. sometimes the defacto state remains. then if anyone asks why, you can say. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would point out to those girls that those boys will be lifting them over their heads in a few years, so they need to make friends NOW! :) Seriously, though, a few words to the head of the ballet school might go a long way to help. That's rotten that the girls are being so mean! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 It sounds like the discipline at the ballet school is a mess, and that you should remove your son from the sexist bullying. Since he's only ten, you should have ample opportunity to find a differernt studio without losing too much studio time. Yes, it'll be a pain, but sometimes we parents just have to make unpopular decisions to protect our young children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have not taken it to the director because I did not want to be "one of those parents" who makes waves. Should I go to him and tell him? Do you think the director has the right to know what sort of reputation his school is building? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would discuss it with the director. They are being inappropriate and if it is going to drive kids away from the school then it is only fair to give them a chance to fix the problem before it costs them students. If they don't get it fixed then I would switch schools but I wouldn't leave without giving them a chance to rectify the issue. I don't think recording it would be a bad idea, including recording the parents encouraging it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 dbl post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Good gravy, the boys at dd's studio are treated like the precious commodity that they are! I would address this as a "point of concern" with the artistic director and/or ballet mistress (whatever you have). Be calm and factual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Recording it might not be legal. You should, however, bring up your concerns with the director. Would you rather be one of "those parents" who allows a bad situation to continue? The best retort may be to dance better and let it roll off like water off a duck's back. That never works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have not taken it to the director because I did not want to be "one of those parents" who makes waves. Should I go to him and tell him? Absolutely. Tell him. He deserves to know and to have the chance to nip it in the bud. Especially since he is a man and knows what it was like to be a boy in ballet. Give him a chance to make it right. If he does not step up to change the culture of the studio, I would not return after Nutcracker is over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would have a very difficult time not encouraging my son to be passive-aggressive and drop one of those mean girls. The director absolutely needs to know. It's not making waves- the behavior is NOT okay. What I would not do is approach those girls myself. You won't get anywhere with that- they'll look at you like "who are you and what do we care about what you have to say." And then it might get worse for your DS. Go right to the person in charge and their reaction to me would determine our future at the studio. And honestly, if it's not fixed immediately, I wouldn't even finish out the Nutcracker to be honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would take that to the teacher and/or director immediately. No way! That would not be tolerated at our studio either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I don't know what one organization does differently than another in this realm. IME management allows it. Either by knowingly turning a blind eye or by setting up a hostile enviroment that has kids gaining "status" among each other by being better than another. Document document document. Then leave. Write a letter thanking the studio for the oppertunity to learn and then explain what happened and why you will not keep your child in a hostile envorment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would take it to the mothers. Just let them know that your son is uncomfortable with the laughing, pointing, and comparison of dance abilities. Ask the mothers if they can help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I get not wanting to be "that parent" because I'm a bit like that, but now you have a second set of eyes and hears confirming it. Go talk to them about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I'd like to slap the mother's myself... Oops did I say that? I wonder where the girls get it from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 This seems to be an ongoing problem that the girls and their moms have no care to change. I'd go to management and depending on how it was handled, leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I get not wanting to be "that parent" because I'm a bit like that, but now you have a second set of eyes and hears confirming it. Go talk to them about it. My view is that "that parent" goes to the director to try for a better part for their kid. This is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Oh yes, you need to say something. That's really mean! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Definitely say something to the director. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Say something to the director. You know he would have a lot easier time replacing the girls than the boys. Well, I guess that is just an assumption on my part. I would NOT bring it up with the girls or their mothers, I don't see that working out in any happy way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I agree with all the others who say tell the director. Boys in dance, particularly ballet, are rare and need to be encouraged. Who do those girls think they are going to be dancing a pas de deus with in the future? They definitely need to be called out on their attitudes. It is wrong to comment or make fun of any dancer, but it is particularly stupid to be discouraging the boys!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have not taken it to the director because I did not want to be "one of those parents" who makes waves. Should I go to him and tell him? Yes. I actually get upset that more parents don't make waves. If more parents spoke up when they felt like it was warranted, we could start to nip bullying and just bad behavior in the bud. "Good people standing by and doing nothing..." and all of that. Please tell the director and/or instructors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Boys in dance, particularly ballet, are rare and need to be encouraged. Who do those girls think they are going to be dancing a pas de deus with in the future? They definitely need to be called out on their attitudes. It is wrong to comment or make fun of any dancer, but it is particularly stupid to be discouraging the boys!!!! Absolutely!! Besides, if you say something to the director and he or she *doesn't* do anything to fix it, wouldn't you want to know that they are okay with that kind of behavior? I mean boys are precious in the dance world. No ballet school wants to loose their boys to another ballet school. So if they don't care that your boys are being teased, who know what else they will let slide, KWIM? Gosh, around here several ballet schools offer their boys program for FREE. That's how badly they want boys to dance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Yes, say something to the director. The teachers and the studio directors/owners need to know what is being said. Courtesy toward other dancers is a crucial skill. It doesn't even matter whether the other dancers are male or female, that kind of catty put-down talk is inappropriate in any context. I also think saying to the girls, with a sweet smile, "Gosh, I hope my son and the other boys don't hear you saying that. I would be really discouraged if I heard someone talking about me like that. Isn't it great there are boys who want to learn ballet?" is a way to nip that in the bud. Who cares if their mothers are right there? If you can couch it in language that is about your opinions and without command sentences, you're not really telling their kids what to do, and either the mothers will react appropriately or they're not the kind of people you need to worry about alienating anyway. (And, yes, I am a huge chicken but I've spoken up and said things like this in other contexts.) I have heard (rarely) the girls in our studio saying things like, "He's got good feet for a beginner," and "Wow, they're learning really quickly." They are definitely following the lead that has been modeled for them regularly by the studio director and teachers. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Personally I would say something to the students, even with their parents are standing there. I'm kind of blunt like that though, I would let them know they were being rude and/or hateful and I would bring it to the director as well. I would see it as my place from stopping it in the short term and the director for long term management. I have no place for kids treating others that way. (To be clear I wouldn't be loud or nasty but calm and matter of fact, it is harder for kids to be a smart aleck back when you have that attitude). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadowlark Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Definitely YES! I say this gently, but what message are you sending to your son? That people can treat him poorly and the adults in his life are okay with it? Because if you're doing nothing and standing by watching it happen, then you ARE okay with it, gwim? It's time to take action! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have not taken it to the director because I did not want to be "one of those parents" who makes waves. Should I go to him and tell him? I had the same thought when my son was having trouble with another boy. I waited too long. Learned my lesson. Consider what is worse: being "one of those parents" or being "the parent who didn't take her kid seriously and he got hurt". I will never do that again. Now I speak up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I think I would have dh go to the director...Dad's often don't notice these things. If a dad notices, they are more likely to think it is serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would also go to the director. Boys in dance ofen get teased enough about it at school; they shouldn't have to put up with it at the studio, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizItaly Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I agree with everyone who said to go to the director, but be prepared for the possibility that the girls will just get sneakier. My DDs had a problem with a few mean girls on their track team. I was shocked by what was happening and went to the manager. Her reaction was positive: she talked to the whole group about unacceptable behavior and made it clear that bullies will be sent home. She then talked to one girl separately. I also talked to my girls about what strategies to use to handle mean behavior, and I mentioned the issue to a few other friendly parents; they asked their kids to stand up for their friends. The mean girls are still at it, though. They are just careful to keep it near-invisible. So instead of hurling insults, a mean girl might, when far away from the coach, swerve into DD's lane on the track, cutting her off. Or she may sneer at anything my DD happens to say. I like the program in general, and I LOVE that my girls now see how pathetic this behavior is and laugh at it. It also motivates them to try really hard so that they can beat the meanies! So we're staying. But if the situation were different, and if the mean behavior continued to cause harm, I would not hesitate to leave -- after talking to the manager once more to let her know that her efforts had not worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 What did you decide to do, Elisabet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 We left a homeschool group over this. The mean girls were snotty right in front of their parents and the moms did nothing. Often, the parents encouraged the behavior by their lack of stepping in. I do not think it makes you one of "those parents," but I do feel that if the parents are not going to enforce respectful behavior from their kids, it is pretty darn impossible to change things. Bring it up to the director, talk to the moms, but be willing to recognize that somethings in our culture are apparently okay with many individuals. Mean girls seem to be one of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Did you decide to say something? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Good gravy, the boys at dd's studio are treated like the precious commodity that they are! :iagree: Yeah- I've often joked that Golden Crowns should be part of the boys' dress code at our studio. They are treated like ROYALTY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Honestly, if I heard kids talking that way I would have said something like "hey girls, talking disrespectfully about other dancers is not appropriate. If I hear any more of that kind of talk, about anyone, I will bring the issue to the director's attention." If the moms hear, all the better. Sounds like they need a reminder about appropriate social behavior as well. I long ago ceased to be intimidated by either middle school girls or their moms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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