lulubelle Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Possibly an hour each way? We have lived 8 minutes from his work for 10 years. He's done quite a bit of work on our tiny house over the years, but it needs so much more and there just isn't any more time or money to do it. And, I just feel like this house either needs to get bigger or we need to move. He has actually agreed to adding on, but I'm not really sure that he will actually follow through with it. But, he is totally angry with me that I could possibly suggest that we move out an hour or less and force him to commute. He thinks I am devaluing him and that I should appreciate what we have and just lower my expectations. So then, I feel devalued by him. It is just this constant merry go round, which is really unpleasant. Don't the majority of men commute a half hour or more to have a better home for their family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My husband does, but it's a huge pain in the butt. I'd love for him to only have an 8 minute commute. I'd talk to the county zoning, draw up addition plans and get the ball rolling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 When I worked full time, I commuted 45 min one way to work. It wore me out. The drive helped me leave work at work, but if I had an evening class, I was away from home for 12 hours since it didn't make sense to go home. I'd imagine it depends on what part of the country you live in as to average commute. Mine was definitely long for here. If he goes in to work 5 days, you've just lost 10 hours a week of time with him...and so have your kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Heck, no. My dh would much rather have more time with us and a smaller home than an insane commute and a bigger home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No, never. We have always chosen to make decisions about work and where to live to avoid a long commute. It's highly important to both of us. Of course in a catastrophe, we would do whatever we needed to do. But an hour-long commute would never be an option if there was any other choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Nope. I think I would rather live in a box than have dh commute for one hour. I know lots of people do it and it is starting to be "normal," but I personally think (and dh agrees) that spending two hours in a car every day is something to be avoided if at all possible. Aside from the actual time lost to the drive, there are so many other "costs." The wear and tear on the vehicle, the gas money, the stress from driving, the increased risk of accident/injury, etc..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I personally think that a 2-hour daily commute is an unreasonable request, especially since you said you're already short on time and money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 1.5-2.5 hours (each way) here. And we're still in a too-small house. That's normal in our area. I hate it, but it is what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We live in an area where very long commute times are the norm. Fortunately for us, DH primarily works from home. I hate it when he goes to a client and has to commute. On the occasions we've discussed the potential for DH working in the city full time, it has always included us moving closer in - to a smaller home. I would live in an apartment to avoid DH doing a major commute daily. His time with us is too valuable to waste on a drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Yes, he is. We did that when we were in Northern VA - once when I stopped working in DC (no longer needed to be in adjacent $$$$ area), and again when we wanted to move from postage stamp sized lot to 3 acres. For us, it was about getting more for the money. And that meant longer commutes. We are now in FL and my husband works less than 10 miles from the house and it takes him 30-45 minutes to get home. We are considering moving to a new area that is a little farther away in the other direction because we really don't like where we live now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No way. He would commute 20 minutes tops. I would never ask him to be in the car for more than that each day. Everyone I know who has long commutes hates it and regrets making that choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I would never ask a spouse to commute an hour each way just so that I could have a bigger house. In fact, I'm in the process of downsizing to a much smaller house, so that I won't have such a long "commute" to the fencing club where the kids spend every evening. When I was looking at houses, my one non-negotiable was that it had to be within 10 minutes of the fencing club, the library, and the homeschool resources center, and no more than 15-20 minutes, max, from the CC and the state college where my kids can take DE classes. I hate hate HATE commuting and being stuck in traffic, so there's no way I would ask a spouse to spend 2 hrs in the car every day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I would never expect or want my dh to go from an 8-minute commute to an hour! If we already owned a house, and he was transferred or forced to find a new job, we would make it work for at least a certain amount of time, but it's definitely not something we would choose. His current commute is about 25-minutes, which is more than long enough. That's more due to traffic rather than distance, which means his commute occasionally does morph into an hour. Having said that, I will add that have a house we really like, so I'm not feeling your pain. What do you consider tiny? Can you take the lead on getting the addition done, rather than dh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I personally think that a 2-hour daily commute is an unreasonable request. My ex did an hour commute for a while. It was horrible for pretty much everything. Since we knew it was temporary, we put up with it. No way would I ask someone to commute 2 hours a day so I could have a better house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No I would not ask or expect him to commute that long for anything. He can get to his job in less than 10 minutes. That makes all of our lives easier. A house is a house, time with family--sorry to be cliche but it's priceless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My hubby commuted about 45 mins each way for almost 3 years. It sucked. I would never ask mine to do that again (it was his bed opportunity at the time). Life is short and the size of your house means nothing in comparison to the time you have to spend together. I suggest you re think your perspective and try to find the positives in your situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I think asking someone to add 2 hours of commuting to have a bigger house is really not reasonable. Sorry but no way. I'd be upset if my spouse wanted me around less do he could have better material goods.....wouldn't you? We live in a too small house (1200sq ft) and my husband's commute is 15 minutes. He is there to give the kids goodbye hugs before he leaves and is home in time to cook family dinner. That is priceless to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Dh had an hour commute at one point and it was awful. We moved from a large house with a large yard and very low rent to a small apartment with much higher rent to end that horrible commute. The commute didn't just affect him, it affected the entire family. Having him gone an extra two hours a day wasn't at all worth the larger house. I would never, ever ask him to do that again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 nope. I wouldn't expect to give up 2 hours per day with my dh either. Wouldn't be worth it. Now my dh does have long hours already at work (50-55 hour weeks are pretty normal). Currently it is a 35 minute drive with good traffic. That is MORE than long enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We chose where we are living based on not having a crazy commute. That much driving everyday would suck. However, if you aren't happy and have the resources then I think an addition is reasonable. We have done two of them. If you don't think he will do it then I would start calling contractors yourself and getting bids. When you have a few sit down with your hubs and pick one :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Would it be completely rude to ask how old you are? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 *I* would not be willing to lose 2 hours per day with my dh JUST for a bigger house. However, usually the size of the house is only the most obvious component. For a husband who is only there a few hours in the evening and weekend, the home is more of a touching base than an all incompasing situation. It took my dh some time, like years, to figure that out. He'd grumble over my wanting to paint or fix this or that. Then I got really really sick and he had to take 4 months medical leave to stay home with me and the kids. Suddenly he got it. All those little things aren't little when you deal with them 24/7 and have to manage home schooling and raising kids around them. They become constant mountains to navigate every day. He didn't complain ever again about my frustrations and desire to improve our living conditions. (Which were never bad. We were okay. But it could be very stressful and exhausting.). Also, my dh had no idea how much I didn't tell him and just dealt with. He was constantly coming into the bedroom to ask how I did ___ or why doesn't ___ work and how do I strategically store ___ to where it fits and.... And this is a husband most, including me, would say is extremely involved and knows what's going on in his household. He is not at all a hands off kind of dad or husband. So I don't know. It's not just the time of the commute. It's the added cost of it, plus the added cost of a larger home.... He might be right and it's just not doable. You'll have to sit down together and evaluate finances. In the mean time, I'd work on getting the home as efficient and ordered as you possibly can. It will make it more livable for everyone and if you should decide to sell, it will make it all that much easier to do so. ETA: My dh has never commuted more than 30/45 minutes and it was usually bc of rush hour traffic. If course he has traveled a lot, but when when home, no. He would do it for a short time, like less than a year, but if he felt it was going to be a long term permanent situation (which I don't think exist at any job these days) then we would be talking about moving. We might not, but it would be a serious discussion. ETA2: We were 10 people in a 1000sq ft house. We were doing "okay" but it was a constant struggle. I'm very glad we moved into the city for a bigger house. It reduced our commute, which I'm extra glad for now bc it's not just him making the commute these days. It's me driving kids to things, driving our teens/young adults to get jobs or college or trade classes. I'm very glad we moved to a bigger house. And I'm glad it doesn't have much of a commute at all. Outside of 7:30 am and 5pm rush hour traffic, I can get anywhere within a 25 mile radius in about 20 minutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No he wouldn't and he drives for a living. But his driving is paid for and it's not every day. to have an hour commute daily would be much to much. We would downsize to a smaller house if it came down to that or him driving that far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Don't the majority of men commute a half hour or more to have a better home for their family? I will add that where we currently live ex had to commute 30 minutes, that's because we moved somewhere affordable and to get a decent paying job you have to work in the next nearest towns. But it was highway and not bumper to bumper. I grew up in the suburbs, areas that sprawled, people that got used to sitting in rush hour traffic. Doesn't mean it's healthy. It's added wear and tear on vehicles increase fuel expenses, less family time, there is a drain that happens mentally when you have to be in the car that long. If an accident happens (which they often do) double your time in the car. Then dinner time is never at a set time because of traffic. Evening activities get missed by the commuting parent because they're running late or too tired. Tensions are higher because the person is tired, you're tired and wondering when they'll get home. Days off are spend catching up, not on fun things. It's also hard to feel connected to a community when all you do is commute out of it. So the "better home" you wanted turns into a "okay house" with little sense of family happening in it. If it's your dream home, for both of you, and your spouse is willing to commute because someday you'll retire there, then that's different. But to ask a spouse to commute so you can have a better physical dwelling...well, *I* wouldn't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Er, no. I would never expect that of my husband. We have long outgrown our home, but I wouldn't consider a house that added THAT kind of time to his commute - I value my own time with him, and his time with his children, far too much to ask (or want) that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No. Ram Man doesn't drive further than 20 minutes and we plan to keep it that way. He would like it even more if he could ride a train to work and relax on the way in out out of the city, but he has to drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 It depends how bad my house was and the housing economy. I used to drive 80 minutes or so to work each way and we were dirt poor. If the job came with a noticeable income increase and higher standard of living, I'd consider it, but I'd have to be really desperate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Possibly an hour each way? We have lived 8 minutes from his work for 10 years. I'm wondering if you've actually done the math on this. Let's say his commute goes from 8 minutes each way to 58 minutes each way; that's an extra 100 minutes/day in the car. Multiply that by 5 days/wk, and that's an extra 8 hours per week that he's away from his family. Multiply that by 50 weeks, and you're talking about more than 400 HOURS per year — that's a lot of time away from his family. It seems like you're expecting him to make a pretty massive sacrifice, in terms of increased stress levels and significantly decreased time with his family, so you can have a larger/nicer house. I can understand why that would make him feel devalued. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No, I wouldn't ask that of dh. Currently, his commute is just a handful of minutes. Before we moved 8 years ago, it was about 30 minutes.Time is precious and fleeting; I wouldn't ask dh to give up 2 hours/day to be alone in a car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Another Jen Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We moved from a 3000 square foot house with a 75 minute commute to a 2400 sqft house with a 40 minute commute to 1300 square ft and a 5 minute walk. The difference is amazing. We have so much time now. I would never ask to move away and even if I did the answer would be no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Don't the majority of men commute a half hour or more to have a better home for their family? dh does commute close to a half hour; it's usually 25 minutes or so. but there's a big difference between half an hour and an hour, y'know? plus, being in a smaller house 8 minutes from work was never a possibility; I would consider it even now if it was! Edited to add that it might help if you think about it by the week instead of by the trip: *8 minutes each way, total of 1 hour and 20 minutes *30 minutes each way, total of 5 hours *60 minutes each way, total of 10 hours So, if your dh went from 8 minutes to one hour, he loses more than a full workday each week! Or more than a full night's sleep. That's a lot of time to lose. Plus, as far as enjoying your evening goes, there's a huge difference between getting home at 5.08 and getting home at 6, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Yes, my DH is willing to do that. It's fairly normal in my area. --- But, as to your situational "merry go round" -- the problem is a boundary problem. You both need to grant the other person the freedom to have a position on this issue: without making the other person's opinions "about me". This is just plain-ordinary having different ideas. You feel crowded in your home and would like more space. Lots of people feel crowded at home. It's a normal, reasonable feeling and nobody needs to argue with you about it, talk you out of it, oppose it, or take if personally. Your DH values short commutes and wants to keep it that way. Lots of people value short commutes. It's a normal, reasonable feeling and nobody needs to argue with him about it, talk him out of it, oppose it, or take if personally. When you look for a compromise using respect and good boundaries, both people start by acknowledging that they are married to someone who (1) owns their own head and is entitled to their own conclusions, (2) has their own personality, values and other intangible-irrational aspects. Since those things effect one's personal happiness, and since we all want out spouses to be 'happy' (within reason)... That makes the other person's stated opinions (and the reasons for them) very near to our hearts. You, friend, are not married to 'most men' -- you are marred to one man, and he will always have 15% quirky opinions. You've hit one. He has strong feelings about commutes. It's just something about him, no more significant than whether or not he likes pie. So, when you seek compromise, you seek to communicate to him that you "get" his value, and are personally committed to making sure that aspect is always given due consideration. That relieves him of the need to "fight" for "his side" and ta-da, no merry go round. You won't be satisfied with any solution that doesn't take commuting issues seriously. Now, I don't mean this as a one-way street. He should be equally committed to taking your feelings of being crowded very seriously. He should not be satisfied with any 'solution' that doesn't address that issue. (Maybe he will get that. If so, hurrah, conflict goes way down. If not, you can still advocate for your own desires while holding his in balance.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I will add that where we currently live ex had to commute 30 minutes, that's because we moved somewhere affordable and to get a decent paying job you have to work in the next nearest towns. But it was highway and not bumper to bumper. I grew up in the suburbs, areas that sprawled, people that got used to sitting in rush hour traffic. Doesn't mean it's healthy. It's added wear and tear on vehicles increase fuel expenses, less family time, there is a drain that happens mentally when you have to be in the car that long. If an accident happens (which they often do) double your time in the car. Then dinner time is never at a set time because of traffic. Evening activities get missed by the commuting parent because they're running late or too tired. Tensions are higher because the person is tired, you're tired and wondering when they'll get home. Days off are spend catching up, not on fun things. It's also hard to feel connected to a community when all you do is commute out of it. So the "better home" you wanted turns into a "okay house" with little sense of family happening in it. If it's your dream home, for both of you, and your spouse is willing to commute because someday you'll retire there, then that's different. But to ask a spouse to commute so you can have a better physical dwelling...well, *I* wouldn't do it. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 We are just getting into mid-forties. We do live in a high traffic area, which is why we live where we do in the first place. It has gotten harder as the kids get older and more aware to have a house with the shingles peeling and falling off. And, me being embarrassed when the kids friends come over. I also wish we had a house that was a go to house for friends and family, it just isn't big enough. I realize I can't have it all, I guess I just wish it didn't have to be like this forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My dh only had a 15 minute commute for ten years. Now, for a better job he has a 45 minute commute each way (which turns into way more with traffic) and we all hate it. We're only staying where we are because both dds are now in ps (oldest heading into high school this fall) and they have made so many connections we would hate to move them. I have stated many times that once they are out and in college that I would be happy to move into a small apartment, townhome, or condo near his work place (no real homes nearby as it is downtown). The area isn't as nice as what we have now but it would be wonderful for him not to have to commute so far and have more down time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 In the DC area that's just normal. Jamie drove 1 hour to 1 hour 15 minutes each way for work. Here in Texas, he drives about 20 or 25 minutes each way. In fact, we've begun to think of an hour away as really far when last year we never thought twice about driving an hour (or more) to go places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No. Not an hour. That would be 10 hours a week of commuting, which seems like a lot to us - like a whole extra day of work just to get to work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 In fairness to the OP, perhaps we should consider some stuff. First of all, how big is your house, and how large is your family? I could understand your frustration if you had 6 kids in a 2 bedroom house, long cold winters, and no money to get out of the house. I'd be a bit testy too. As an introvert, living in a crowded, cluttered home would do me in, but if I had to do it, I'd learn to deal with it. (I'd probably hide under a blanket in the corner of the living room just to be alone though.) However, three kids in a 2 bedroom house, while tight and a bit uncomfortable, is doable, especially when they are little. Maybe you have too much stuff. Maybe your dh is a "don't throw that away we might need it someday." type and you get frustrated because the house is never really neat and clean. Maybe you need to get creative with storage. Maybe you need to downsize your expectations of how much stuff you need. (when I was a new mom, I felt deprived because I didn't have the money or space for lots of baby gadgets that would have made things easier. However, we survived.) Maybe you need to invest in storage furniture. (my son has a bed with a shelf headboard and dresser drawers underneath. It was the only way to fit another kid in that bedroom) Maybe you need to prioritize more activities to get you and the kids out of the house (even if it costs some money) so that you don't go stir crazy when the weather gets bad. What I am trying to say OP, is that if your dh is insistent on not increasing his commute, you may need to get his help on increasing the space efficiency of your current house. BTW, if he's a "handy" guy, he may say things like "I can build you x and y. Next chance I get." and then it'll be 2 years before he gets to it. You may need to make a contract with him. "Okay, if that's not built by the end of August, I'm going to go buy it myself." I don't know if any of this applies to you OP, but I just want you to know that I empathize with your plight, whatever it is, and was brainstorming some ways to help keep both your dh and you happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 Bolt, thank you. That is very true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Possibly an hour each way? We have lived 8 minutes from his work for 10 years. He's done quite a bit of work on our tiny house over the years, but it needs so much more and there just isn't any more time or money to do it. And, I just feel like this house either needs to get bigger or we need to move. He has actually agreed to adding on, but I'm not really sure that he will actually follow through with it. But, he is totally angry with me that I could possibly suggest that we move out an hour or less and force him to commute. He thinks I am devaluing him and that I should appreciate what we have and just lower my expectations. So then, I feel devalued by him. It is just this constant merry go round, which is really unpleasant. Don't the majority of men commute a half hour or more to have a better home for their family? I drive an hour to work and back. I can tell you it is more than just an inconvenience. It is the reason I feel like whole days are eliminated from me and family time. It is the reason I cannot get a good meal. It is the reason why I come home to sleeping family. It is the reason I miss every magical family moment it seems like. It is the reason I fall down dead in the bed after every shift, not even able to say hello to the dog. No house is worth the misery of driving two hours a day, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My husband has been working at the same job for around 12 years now. At first, the commute was 45 minutes. Since then, housing has been being built up in the area of his commute and it's taking almost an hour on good days. If you put snow and construction into the mix, he's normally commuting over an hour. It has put a definite strain on him, his back, and our family. We are looking to move mostly so he can be closer to home and reduce his commute to under 30 minutes. In some areas like Chicago, an hour commute is almost a fact of life. I would never choose to have him do this on purpose again. If you have little kids, any home you are in is going to seem tight. As they get older and start doing their own thing, even a small house can seem more spacious because everyone is no longer hanging around mom 24/7. Also, we have boys and as boys get older into the teen years, they really need their dad to be the main person in their life. My dh needs to be home more and the over an hour commute it really affecting our family. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We are just getting into mid-forties. We do live in a high traffic area, which is why we live where we do in the first place. It has gotten harder as the kids get older and more aware to have a house with the shingles peeling and falling off. And, me being embarrassed when the kids friends come over. I also wish we had a house that was a go to house for friends and family, it just isn't big enough. I realize I can't have it all, I guess I just wish it didn't have to be like this forever. It's perfectly understandable to want more space or a nicer looking house. If it's super, duper tiny, I can even see where it might be difficult to have a whole group of friends over. But - the being embarrassed thing? Let go of that! Our floors noticeably need replacing, and our living room chairs are just pathetic, lol, but their friends still come over and have fun. I have actually noticed that the friends with super nice houses never have groups of friends over. Yes, kids and teens are messy, they are going to spill things and knock things over and occasionally break things. I'll choose the mess and the memories over a better house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We are just getting into mid-forties. We do live in a high traffic area, which is why we live where we do in the first place. It has gotten harder as the kids get older and more aware to have a house with the shingles peeling and falling off. And, me being embarrassed when the kids friends come over. I also wish we had a house that was a go to house for friends and family, it just isn't big enough. I realize I can't have it all, I guess I just wish it didn't have to be like this forever. I get that :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:. I love my house and where I live. But, I'm so very embarrassed by the carpet and linoleum and countertops. The carpet is so worn out and dirty (even though I steam clean it regularly) and the linoleum has gouges in it and is peeling up and the countertops have chunks missing along the edge. It is not in the budget to repair these things, so I have to deal with them. I still host people regularly and try to remember that it's not about my house being perfect, but being welcoming. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Currently, dh commutes about 30 minutes. Our general rule of thumb is no more than 45 minutes on a normal day (good weather, no accidents). However, it's more for living in a better area than a larger house. He would rather commute than live in an area with more congestion and/or crime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Might your dh be willing to use some of that commuting time on the house instead? Your desire for more space isn't unreasonable, but a long commute isn't the only way to solve the problem. Are there things you could do to help with the space problem? Maybe get a part-time job yourself to pay someone to add on to the house? Or figure out ways to cut the budget so you can hire someone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My father had a commute of over an hour his entire life. So did most of the people I know. Its just the norm (East coast, everyone commuting into NYC). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 No, we would never consider it. When we were young in our marriage hubby had a 45 minute commute that was worth it to be able to live where we did, but he never enjoyed it - nor did I. Now he doesn't have a commute as he works from home. His job sites are all within an hour away (almost all - some are out of state), but he only has to go to them once or twice. He has township meetings to attend, but again, they usually aren't that far and they don't happen every single day (twice a day!). My commute is 8 minutes and I love it. Our choice to get to a place we loved wasn't to take on a longer commute, it was to change jobs/states. We shopped carefully for what we wanted. My hubby is fortunate enough to be able to do so. Not all jobs are so portable (he's a civil engineer - his type can be employed literally anywhere). And even though WE don't want a long commute, many, many others around us do just that. We're in PA and they commute to cities in MD or even to DC. Their commutes can easily be 1 - 2 hours one way IF there are no traffic issues. In those cases both parents are on board with wanting to raise their kids in a more rural area - and we have cheaper taxes, + housing, etc. We don't envy them, but to each our own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pehp Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My husband commutes about 50 minutes each way. He has a wonderful job that he loves and we live on my family's farm (surrounded by family, great neighbors and in a house we really like) and we have *no* desire to leave either thing--his excellent job or our excellent home. He enjoys the commute--I think it is sort of his decompression/quiet time and it is mostly interstate. He listens to NPR and a few years ago learned Finnish, so he makes good use of the time! (When I did the same commute to attend law school, I just listened to music the whole time!) ETA: I would not ask my husband to do this commute. In fact, I have offered many times to move to the small city where his company is located (the real estate there is SO cheap) but he has no desire to live there and we really have a sweet place here--beautiful views, paid-for house, etc. If he were unwilling to do it, I would not want him to do it. Commuting can be expensive!!! And I also just noticed you said "for a better house." No. I live in a small-ish house and it is fine by me! Also, it is not super fair to compare families. Every family is quite different and has different needs. Just b/c most men might commute, or some men do it and don't mind it, doesn't mean that it can or should be applied to everyone. If my husband's company were 10 minutes from our house I'd be over the moon!!!! He'd be home at 4:15 each day!!! But that is not the way it works for us and the job and house are both too ideal for us to give up, so the commute is part of our lives.....and, like I said, he doesn't mind it at all. If your husband is resistant, especially if it means less time w/his family or down time, I think that says a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walking-Iris Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Well, it depends. It would have to be a job DH loves, and a house or neighborhood that offered more benefits. An hour each way is a very long time in a vehicle every day. My DH would hate that regardless of how much he liked the job or the house/location. Honestly if my DH was to the point where we were arguing (feeling "devalued" by each other over it) I'd drop it. He would be gone all day. He wouldn't even get to enjoy the "better" house. He has to do that, not me. No way would I ever ask my DH to do something that only I would benefit from ,that he truly and honestly did not want to do. Nor would he ask that of me. That's how you value each other. I'd seriously look around and try to make your current situation work. And if the house was just a money pit in some way and truly not working ( FWIW it would have to take more than space or aesthetics to cause me to write a house off) maybe try to find something closer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 DH commutes an hour to the Atlanta airport. We could maybe shave it down to 45 minutes one way but that would be it. It is a very common commute for our town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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