s/o what strange things do you say to your pets?

[shanvan]

I am assuming you do talk to your pets.  Here are my conversation starters....

 

To my cat as I walk by and see her plopped on pillows:  "You are so smart.  You know just what to do."  I really am jealous of her.  I've also explained to her that Garfield is not a good role model.  Apparently she doesn't care what I think.  

 

To Ds's dog: "When are you going to learn to groom yourself? You know the cat has mastered it already?"  Ds enjoys getting out his stuffed squeaky ginger bread man and telling him "Go get your little man."  which he does.  

 

To Dd's dog: "Give me that foot.  It isn't yours.  It belongs to me." (while trimming nails)   Also,  "where's _____ ?(Dd's name)' which puts him into a frenzy of looking around for her.  

 

Another favorite while we are driving somewhere with Ds's dog: "Where's the squirrel?" He looks out the window and finds one sure enough every time! 

[MomtoCandJ]

"You stupid @$$, how the hell did you get tangled up in that" we put Chip on a cable to go outside (he's not smart enough to stay in the yard, he likes to run straight to the highway), we try to keep anything he might get tangled on out of his area, but he seems to find something to drag in and get tangled on anyway.

[Belacqua]

"Please stop licking the television."

[unsinkable]

I wrote this here once before but I grab Patch and whisper fiercely to him, "Stay gold, Ponyboy."

 

:lol: DH says I'm a lunatic when he sees me do it.

[Cindy in FL.]

To Kitty Cat, "You look so handsome today!". My kids just roll their eyes.

[icollectkids]

I tell my cat almost once a day that the ice god (aka the ice dispenser) is not giving hand outs right now. She just looks at me and meows and keeps looking up at the dispenser. She LOVES to play soccer with ice cubes...until they start to melt. Then she wants another one and I end up stepping in a cold, wet puddle somewhere.

 

I also tell the dog to 'quit looking at me like that.' lol

[Critterfixer]

"If you bite me I'll bite your ears clean off."-to my older, evil cat who regularly bites me for living.

"Quit licking me, you know I hate that!" -to a very licky dog

"Green food!" -to the chickens when their daily ration of kale, corn or other delicacy is delivered to those spoiled rotten birds.

"OK, ladies. Let's see how we are doing today."-to my beehives. And yes, they all have names. If I see drones, I might add, gents and ladies.

[Dory]

I talk to my animals so constantly I can't even remember specific things I say anymore. It just all kinda flows out. I used to sing to the cow her first few nights here. She was lonely, and the singing soothed her.

[Rosie_0801]

I call my chooks descendants of dinosaurs as though it's an insult if they're bugging me to be fed when I have already fed them. It's pretty stupid, but if you're going to insult someone, pick someone who can't talk back, eh? :p

[icollectkids]

"If you bite me I'll bite your ears clean off."-to my older, evil cat who regularly bites me for living.

"Quit licking me, you know I hate that!" -to a very licky dog

"Green food!" -to the chickens when their daily ration of kale, corn or other delicacy is delivered to those spoiled rotten birds.

"OK, ladies. Let's see how we are doing today."-to my beehives. And yes, they all have names. If I see drones, I might add, gents and ladies.

 

Oh yeah.. I talk to 'my girls' (chickens) every day. I tell them to think 'hard shells and happy, healthy yolks!' when we put them up to roost at night. I seem to get more double yolks when I say that to them. Hmmm (got a triple yolk one time!)

[Farrar]

Dh often says weird stuff to the cat. He likes to quote South Park whenever he forbids the cat something. "No, kitty, that's my pit pie!"

[Hypatia.]

To the cats, "her butt smells just the same as it did yesterday."   :leaving:

[Erin]

The wiener dogs-- "Eww! You guys have been eating horse apples again! You stink!"

[KrissiK]

I call my cat by my youngest child's name as I'm shooing her out the door. It is entirely accidental.

[icollectkids]

I call my cat by my youngest child's name as I'm shooing her out the door. It is entirely accidental.

 

I get the kids and the animals mixed up all the time. It flusters my 4yo sometimes. Other times he thinks it's funny. "Mom, I'm BLAKE! I'm not Fezzik!"

 

I think my all time favorite is when I yelled at the dog to get out of the trash and I yelled a kids name instead of the dog. Yeah, the kids didn't let me live that one down for a long time...

[swellmomma]

well I told sh*thead...i mean Lily (cat)yesterday if she didn't smarten up I was finding a chinese family to sell her to (totally not PC so don't get your panties in a bunch).  I translate the expressions on my cats faces outloud and voice what I am sure they are thinking about life, the dog, their people, etc.  The kids think this is bizarre and hilarious at the same time.  I also have conversations with the cats where they meow at me during the pauses and I pretend we are having a talk about plans for world domination.  

The dog, well the other day I told him if he kept eating the cat poop out of the litter box I was shipping him off to be turned into glue.  Lately it seems all I ever say is "No, not a squeaker" because he is so danged curious about the kittens which have just been turned loose in the house since yesterday.  And sadly the phrase "Finn, get out of his a$$" has come out of my mouth a few times as he harrasses the kittens sniffing their butts.

And of course there is the infamous mad mom yell that includes the first syllable of every kid and animal name until I finally say the right name.

I also have been known to say "okay folks fess up, whatever little fur ball stole my xyz, is about to become my replacement meal!"

 

[Pawz4me]

I talk to my animals so constantly I can't even remember specific things I say anymore. It just all kinda flows out.

 

 

I translate the expressions on my cats faces outloud and voice what I am sure they are thinking about life, the dog, their people, etc.  The kids think this is bizarre and hilarious at the same time.  I also have conversations with the cats where they meow at me during the pauses and I pretend we are having a talk about plans for world domination.  

 

:iagree: :iagree:

 

Except I translate for all four of our pets, and to anyone who's around.  And sometimes just to talk.  And I really do believe I nail their thoughts most of the time. :lol:

[unsinkable]

I thought of another one...from Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day cartoon.

 

"With me. You shall live with me. Won't you, Piglet?"

 

And then I hug Patch, as hard as I can.

[Carrie12345]

"Are you serious?!?" covers a host of things.

 

My dog is still having trouble coping with the loss of his fur brother.  His behavior can be very odd.  Half the time he won't go out to relieve himself unless I put his leash on upstairs, walk him downstairs, then take it off to let him out the back door.  ???

 

The last few weeks have been filled with weird new behaviors.

[elegantlion]

I provide accurate and complete dialogue for my dog, usually when she's with ds. She behaves like a real life toddler most of the time, so it isn't hard.  

[73349]

"It's not a vending machine!" - The DVD drive is really intriguing to this cat. I'm thinking her former owner may have used an automated food dispenser at one point?

[Annie G]

My kids accuse me of treating the cat better than I treat them. So I started acting like he was one of my kids.   

 

When we leave the house I tell the cat to be good, not to do drugs or cave to negative peer pressure, and not to have unprotected sex.  The same things I told our kids all the time.  The big difference is that he doesn't roll his eyes at me after hearing that for years.

[Annie G]

One of my cats did a very stupid thing.  I really don't understand it.  He ate a crap load of that fake plastic Easter grass.  And then threw up all over the place.  I know they eat grass, but really plastic?!  Ugh...I'm never buying that stuff again.

 

 

You're lucky. When ours ate the grass he didn't throw ALL of it up. Some of it made it through and when he pooped, the little poop was attached to a piece of the plastic grass and the cat got scared that something was following him. So he bolted through the house trailing a piece of poop attached to his butt with the grass.  Knocked over all kinds of things. And, you know, dragged that piece of poop along every surface he touched. 

[Jenny in Florida]

My daughter translates for my dog. I frequently end up having entire conversations, responding to what my daughter says while looking at my dog.

 

I often remind the older, larger cat what a handsome, regal beast he is when he deigns to allow me to pet him.

 

[Home'scool]

I talk to my cat and my dogs so much that it would be like a book if I wrote it all out.

 

There is one time that sticks out for me though:

 

I had called the pediatrician early one morning because my daughter woke up sick. I was half listening to the "press 1 for blah blah, press 2 for blah blah" so without realizing it I chose the option to leave a message for the doctor. I still thought I was on hold. I started singing to my cat the Stevie Wonder song "Isn't she lovely" in a really high pitched, silly voice. About 2 verses in I realized I wasn't on hold, I was actually leaving a message! I can only wonder what the doctor thought of that one!!

[Hypatia.]

When I'm going to bed at night I say "c'mon, who wants to go to bed?" to the cats and they trail me out of the family room and upstairs into the bedroom.  DH just shakes his head and calls me "the pied piper of  **  cats".  

[UncleEJ]

Dh often says weird stuff to the cat. He likes to quote South Park whenever he forbids the cat something. "No, kitty, that's my pit pie!"

That is the best thing I've read all day!!

[catz]

We are insane at our house.  We have a whole cat language.  That's all I'll say.  ;)

[Liz CA]

"Doodle," "Big Slobber boy," "Big Baby."

[trulycrabby]

I regularly tell my bearded dragon what a handsome fellow he is. :o

[Unicorn.]

I haven't read all the replies, but nothing I say to the pets is strange. We have perfectly normal conversations around here.

[Unicorn.]

You're lucky. When ours ate the grass he didn't throw ALL of it up. Some of it made it through and when he pooped, the little poop was attached to a piece of the plastic grass and the cat got scared that something was following him. So he bolted through the house trailing a piece of poop attached to his butt with the grass.  Knocked over all kinds of things. And, you know, dragged that piece of poop along every surface he touched.

 Yep, we have had that happen multiple times around here. Sometimes it's string. I quit buying plastic grass a long, long time ago.

 

When I'm going to bed at night I say "c'mon, who wants to go to bed?" to the cats and they trail me out of the family room and upstairs into the bedroom.  DH just shakes his head and calls me "the pied piper of  **  cats".

We do this too. Ds has his cat(s) that he calls and they follow him to bed. So does dd1. This winter I even got a bed buddy. Now that it's warmer, she doesn't follow me so much. I feel so used. Little does she know, I called her because she kept MY feet warm. Works both ways my dear cat!

[Tmhearn]

I have definitely thought there were some crazy people on this board for a while, but this thread really confirms it. ;-)

 

As other pp have mentioned, we give our dogs a voice and pretend they are talking, but they actually have a certain accent as well. :-)

[shawthorne44]

One day I was cooing a greeting at my parent's dog and my mother said, "You think his poop doesn't stink".  So I added that to my greeting.  Somewhere during the adoring cheek rubbing I say, "And your poop doesn't stink"  

[Ivey]

I refer to the kids as our dog's brothers, but not to the dog as our kids' sister. So, I'll say something like "Okay, Chloe. I need you to go out and do your pee, then come right back in because I have to take your brother to baseball practice." Then, loud enough for the neighbors to hear "CHLOE, your brother is going to be late. Let's go!" 

 

Chloe is bilingual, so I sometimes practice my French with her. 

[Jeannie in NJ]

to my cats:

 

"Everytime I come into the kitchen, DOES NOT mean it is time for you guys to eat"

 

You all just ate an hour ago, it is not time to eat again.

[Belacqua]

to my cats:

 

"Everytime I come into the kitchen, DOES NOT mean it is time for you guys to eat"

 

You all just ate an hour ago, it is not time to eat again.

 

Those certainly sound familiar. :)  Along with, "I was pouring lentils into a bowl. Not kibble. Lentils."

[clarkacademy]

good job today time for bed I will most likely kill you in the morning! To the dogs everyday.

[shanvan]

 Yep, we have had that happen multiple times around here. Sometimes it's string. I quit buying plastic grass a long, long time ago.

 

We do this too. Ds has his cat(s) that he calls and they follow him to bed. So does dd1. This winter I even got a bed buddy. Now that it's warmer, she doesn't follow me so much. I feel so used. Little does she know, I called her because she kept MY feet warm. Works both ways my dear cat!

Yes, this is a regular occurrence at our home too!

[shanvan]

Well, today Ds told his dog to 'Go kill the little man."  It's a gingerbread man squeaky as mentioned upthread.  He was really shaking the life out of it!

 

I have regularly asked my cat "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"  Also told her "You're the only one who understands me," with the entire family listening in.

 

The other night I asked Ds's dog "When are you going to learn to do the dishes?"

 

​Dd has a song she made up for her dog.  It's called "Sticks are not for little puppies"  It has many verses b/c so many things are not for little puppies.

[Teacher Mom]

I tell my dog, "No, it is you who are wrong, Baby Puppy!" (from Cats and Dogs movie) all the time. My dh and dd hate it.

[mommymilkies]

I think I talk to my cats more than I talk to humans, so...

[6packofun]

"Hey there, Mr. Pooper Pants!  You don't wear pants, do you?  So you're just a Pooper!" 

 

And all manner of inane things.  (Oh, and Teacher Mom, we call our dog Baby Puppy, too!  He's 2 1/2.)

[Erin]

To the Border Collie: Sheep! (she goes nuts) Walk up, walk up, lay down, way to me, down, that'll do. And the sheep are where they're supposed to be!

 

"Ha Cows!" brings our border out of a dead sleep, straight to her feet, with her ears up.   :lol:

[unsinkable]

I keep remembering more stuff. Usually when I announce I'm going somewhere, one of the kids will ask, "Are you taking Patch?"

 

The answer is always NO with a kooky reason.

 

"I'm going to Panera."

 

"Are you taking Patch?"

 

"No. The last time I took him he ate all the bear claws."

 

"But he thought it was real bear!"

[MooCow]

Kitty you are not doing school! Get out of ds seat!

[Reefgazer]

When my cat wants his meal and is following me around the house hounding me for it, I look at him and say in a goofy way, with my head tipped to one side, "who's yer daddy?".  He meows at me, and then he knows the food will be forthcoming.  I have no idea where this inane routine started, but it's been going on for years!

[Mom in High Heels]

You're lucky. When ours ate the grass he didn't throw ALL of it up. Some of it made it through and when he pooped, the little poop was attached to a piece of the plastic grass and the cat got scared that something was following him. So he bolted through the house trailing a piece of poop attached to his butt with the grass.  Knocked over all kinds of things. And, you know, dragged that piece of poop along every surface he touched. 

 

Ugh, this has happened with our dogs.  Not from plastic grass or string, but from my HAIR!  I shed really badly (I have so much hair!), and apparently they sometimes ingest it.  They freak the hell out when it happens.  My hair is short now, so it hasn't happened in a while.  Blech.

 

I haven't read all the replies, but nothing I say to the pets is strange. We have perfectly normal conversations around here.

 

We have normal conversations in our house too!  Sometimes they even respond.

 

good job today time for bed I will most likely kill you in the morning! To the dogs everyday.

 

I ♥ you so much!

 

 

I baby talk our dogs all the time.  James Bond and Indy do too.  It's kind of ridiculous, but we do it, and they seem to respond to it.

 

Things I say frequently:

 

"Don't look at me like that, you're not getting my food."

 

"Bella, let go of Dutch's tail!"  She grabs his tail and pulls on it, but he can't get her to stop, because every time he turns to snap at her, she turns with him.  She tortures him!

 

"Dammit Bella, what are you doing now?"  I say this every day, usually multiple times.  Sigh.  

 

"Who's got the stickiest breath ever?  Who's mommy's stinky boy?  Mr. Dutch is a stinky boy.  Yes, he is."  All in baby talk.  Dutch is so old, the vets don't want to put him under anesthesia, so they can't clean his teeth.  His breath is HORRIBLE.  I love him anyway.

 

"Bella, get off my neck!"  She likes to sit up on the back of the sofa, just behind me.  Her bum is on the sofa cushion, but the rest of her body is on me, and it's kind of annoying.  She only weighs 5 pounds, but the way she sits, it pushes on my neck.

 

I call Bella "Polly Prissy Pants" <-from South Park AGES ago

[clarkacademy]

Ugh, this has happened with our dogs.  Not from plastic grass or string, but from my HAIR!  I shed really badly (I have so much hair!), and apparently they sometimes ingest it.  They freak the hell out when it happens.  My hair is short now, so it hasn't happened in a while.  Blech.

 

 

We have normal conversations in our house too!  Sometimes they even respond.

 

 

I ♥ you so much!

 

 

I baby talk our dogs all the time.  James Bond and Indy do too.  It's kind of ridiculous, but we do it, and they seem to respond to it.

 

Things I say frequently:

 

"Don't look at me like that, you're not getting my food."

 

"Bella, let go of Dutch's tail!"  She grabs his tail and pulls on it, but he can't get her to stop, because every time he turns to snap at her, she turns with him.  She tortures him!

 

"Dammit Bella, what are you doing now?"  I say this every day, usually multiple times.  Sigh.  

 

"Who's got the stickiest breath ever?  Who's mommy's stinky boy?  Mr. Dutch is a stinky boy.  Yes, he is."  All in baby talk.  Dutch is so old, the vets don't want to put him under anesthesia, so they can't clean his teeth.  His breath is HORRIBLE.  I love him anyway.

 

"Bella, get off my neck!"  She likes to sit up on the back of the sofa, just behind me.  Her bum is on the sofa cushion, but the rest of her body is on me, and it's kind of annoying.  She only weighs 5 pounds, but the way she sits, it pushes on my neck.

 

I call Bella "Polly Prissy Pants" <-from South Park AGES ago

 

:grouphug: I <3 you too!!!!!!! I say that ALL the time to the boy dog thing LOL as well as go to your room!!! He has a habit of liking to pee on pillows??? So he stays in the laundry room unless he is playing with someone to watch him. Yes he will jump on a bed to do it or a couch or the floor. If he finds a pillow he pees it. We can't even give him a little pillow for his crate.

 

[clarkacademy]

When my cat wants his meal and is following me around the house hounding me for it, I look at him and say in a goofy way, with my head tipped to one side, "who's yer daddy?".  He meows at me, and then he knows the food will be forthcoming.  I have no idea where this inane routine started, but it's been going on for years!

 

My cat drove me crazy when he did this!