Is being a SAHM hard work?

[Above The Rowan]

Haven't read the other replies yet, but I chose "other". 

Honestly motherhood of ANY flavour is as easy or hard as you make it. 

Are there bumps in the road? Sure. 

But agonizing and putting pressure on ourselves and each other to be perfect and flawless, is what causes motherhood to be so hard.

 

Seriously, love your kids and do your best and be a thoughtful parent, and you will do fine. 

If you overthink and overanalyze every moment and every decision - then you don't have a chance to enjoy the moments for what they are. 

 

I'm not blissed out. 

Some days I f'ing HATE being a Mom, but those are days when I'm not letting myself be a PERSON also (no metime makes me a monster). So I go out, remember who I am, and then I'm a much happier mama. 

 

It's not hard, it's not easy. It just is. 

[SKL]

Well, if excellence meant hard work, why is my lazy kid getting so many As while my hard-working kid is getting a D?

 

And why is it so much easier for me to parent the kid who excels and never gets in trouble?

[susankenny]

Being home tries my patience at times. My kids can be hard to deal with. I have honestly had the dumbest conversations of my life as a "mom" & often stand baffled at times that I've had to tell someone not to hold the dog nude.

 

But being a SAHM is not a hard life for me. It has things that come up & I figure them out (often accompanied by a good laugh or cry). Just like most people.

[ocelotmom]

Why must we put down SAHM to build up WOHM? It isn't an either or situation. Both can be hard or easier.  I also don't understand why saying doing an excellent job is hard.  I think mothering and schooling is the same as anything else there is a varying amount of effort and work one can do.  Not everyone does the job equally.  

 

I hope no one is taking me as putting down SAHM, and I don't see anyone else who is. I've been one, and wouldn't say that it was easier than WOH. 

 

My examples of the SAHM eating bon-bons while the kids are at school and the maid does all the cleaning were meant to be a blatantly ridiculous extreme, certainly not how I think it is for most families. I would hope my mention of bon-bons would make that clear. I don't think I've ever used that term in any context other than ridiculous extremes.

[Soror]

I hope no one is taking me as putting down SAHM, and I don't see anyone else who is. I've been one, and wouldn't say that it was easier than WOH. 

 

My examples of the SAHM eating bon-bons while the kids are at school and the maid does all the cleaning were meant to be a blatantly ridiculous extreme, certainly not how I think it is for most families. I would hope my mention of bon-bons would make that clear. I don't think I've ever used that term in any context other than ridiculous extremes.

No, I didn't take your post in that way. 

[Farrar]

Interesting thread.  I didn't read absolutely every response, but I, too, found it hard to answer the poll.  Motherhood isn't easy - it's always challenging.  And, often, it requires energy and creativity and passion and all that.  But when you have the privilege of staying home with kids and finding enough time, then of course it's usually going to be easier.  On the other hand, I know I was soooo glad I kept working part time when my boys were babies.  I might have literally gone nuts otherwise.  So there's different types of "difficult" and sometimes being busy, or having fulfilling outside the home work and time to do it can make parenting easier.  

 

I just don't think it's a simple formula and so much of it depends on the person.  Life is easiest when we're getting what we need emotionally.  If we have fulfillment and love and the right amount of challenge and so forth, then whether we're stay at home or working outside the home is the lesser issue because the parenting piece will mostly likely work better that if we're depressed, unfulfilled, bored, isolated, or whatever.

 

I guess I don't see that SAHM is the same as "easier situation."  In my case, I feel it absolutely is.  But I wouldn't assume that was everyone's reality. 

[Guest]

My gut reaction to the question, "Is being a SAHM hard work?" is "No," not because I can't imagine any situation or season of life where it is hard. I heard Oprah comment many times (and that, even though I hardly ever watched her show), "Being a mom (or at-home mom) is the hardest job in the world." I always felt like... :confused1:  It seemed like a nicey-nice thing to say to the moms who I guess made up a large part of her viewing audience, but I couldn't imagine why anyone would have that as a general opinion.  That's the general opinion I still hear in the back of my mind when this question comes up - NOT that there can't be anyone or any circumstance or any chapter that is difficult, but that in general, it's the "hardest job in the world." It's not. 

[jewellsmommy]

It depends on you (how you approach mothering) and your children. If it was just dd again, then most of the time was not that difficult. But it has had its moments. When she was a toddler on a pic line and undergoing multiple surgeries, then yeah being her mommy was hard.

 

Now I am also the mommy of a boy that was broken by a women who didn't take mothering very seriously. He has attachment problems, ODD, PTSD, ADHD, and emotional problems. I assure you being his mom is very hard on a daily basis and anyone who thinks otherwise has never attempted to raise a child like this. Being his mom means a lot of extra training for me, therapy for him, extra work to help dd accept him, extra paperwork and court junk, med management, and then there is educating both of them. Public school is not an option for him.

 

Like any job, it depends on what you put into it, your own skill set, your temperament, your available resources, and the personalities/issues of the people around you (in this case your children).

 

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

Motherhood (for me) is challenging and easy. It is and has been challenging and easy from day to day and from season to season. It has been challenging and easy no matter the age of my children, or whether I've been working or not working, or homeschooling or public schooling.

 

Life is challenging. Often it's hard work. Motherhood is a part of life. I don't know that I'm all that motivated to decide whether my version of being a mom is harder or easier than anyone else's.

 

Cat

 

P.S. Laundry is the bane of my existence. Which has not much to do with this thread, except that my life would be waaaay easier if it was not for the @#$% laundry.

 

 

[ocelotmom]

P.S. Laundry is the bane of my existence. Which has not much to do with this thread, except that my life would be waaaay easier if it was not for the @#$% laundry.

 

I agree. Especially since we don't have a dryer. I consider the fact that I work full-time and do 90% of the laundry for 5 people quite the accomplishment. I think my older two are going to be put totally in charge of their own laundry sometime soon, before that number goes up to 6.

[Loowit]

I don't think many people appreciate being told that their "job" is easy.  I think it is one of those things that you can say about yourself, but to say it about the job in general can be insulting.  Being a SAHM has so many factors that there is no generalization I think that can be made about easy, hard, etc.  Like any job it has its ups and downs.  I can say that it was easier, but not easy, when I only had one child who was an easy child.  Even adding a second wasn't that hard for me at first.  But then my third was hard.  Now I am a SAHM of two special needs children and spending a lot of time at doctor appointments, therapy, and still trying to keep life stable for my neurotypical child.  Adding in evening activities, homeschooling, and everything else, and yes it is hard for me.  And it really doesn't help that my DH has to work out of town during the week and we only see him on weekends, so I really get no downtime  It might be easier to be a SAHM if, like my mom, I sent my kids to public school for the day and I could focus on cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc, but I don't think my mom's life was a breeze by any means.  She was always busy and always involved in so much stuff at school for us.  I love being a SAHM, and it is what I have always wanted to do, but loving my "job" doesn't make me feel like it is easy.  But neither does thinking it is hard make me not want to do it.  My DH has a job that is hard, but he loves it and the challenge of it.

 

 

[Dandelion]

Life is easiest when we're getting what we need emotionally.  If we have fulfillment and love and the right amount of challenge and so forth, then whether we're stay at home or working outside the home is the lesser issue 

 

I think this sums it up perfectly.

 

We each perceive this differently, not only because our situations are different, but because our emotional needs are different.

 

To feel fulfilled, I need to work.  I know this about myself, but due to our family's circumstances, it's not possible for me to work right now.  I told DH before we got married that I never wanted to be a SAHM.  He was on board with that.  Life circumstances and DS's needs changed all that, at least for the time being. 

 

Someone else might need to stay home to feel fulfilled. They would be as frustrated having to work outside the home, as I am by not being able to work outside the home.

[sewingmama]

My only comment is....If being a SAHParent isn't hard then how come my DH can't do it? He would much rather be at work where he is a school principal and work with hundreds of other peoples kids then deal with his three at home on his own.

[zoobie]

My DH and I have the same profession. He sure as heck gleefully ran out the door to work on Monday after being home with us for 5 days. 

 

Being a SAHM is hard *for me*. I'm an introvert and for me, it can be smothering, especially the early years. I often feel there is nothing left of myself. I never felt that way at work. If I were working, I'd be rewarded financially and personally. I'd be stimulated mentally. As annoying and intrusive as some of my co-workers/bosses/staff have been, no one has ever followed me to the bathroom into the toilet area or stood right outside, sobbing and sticking his/her fingers under the door. Not even the slightly creepy guy at the library in college. 

 

I do love my children and feel that it is important to be home with them. In my ideal world, I'd split full days with DH. Or someone we trusted implicitly. For now, this is the best solution for our family. I wish I found it easy. 

[regentrude]

With little ones - yes, I found that hard work. Infants and toddlers, sleep deprivation and being on 24/7 - exhausting.

With older kids, say age 8 and up ? The parenting did not feel hard (I was not SAHM, too; I am a much better mom if I have a job).

With teens? Hardly work at all. Mainly just fun.

[ErinE]

If I were a SAHM with 2 kids in school and just the baby at home, I would revel in cleaning and cooking in peace and quiet, and might have to get myself an outside job to not be bored. I definitely think I would have been mentally healthier if I'd kept a few hours a day/week working when first was a born, instead of quitting cold turkey right before we got pregnant with her.

 

My two oldest were gone last weekend visiting family. I cleaned and my house stayed clean. It was glorious!

[regentrude]

Being a SAHM is hard *for me*. I'm an introvert and for me, it can be smothering, especially the early years. I often feel there is nothing left of myself. I never felt that way at work.

 

LOL. Being SAHM was hard for me because I am an extrovert. The absence of adult company and stimulating conversations, the crippling loneliness of spending a week only with little kids... not for me.

[Ausmumof3]

Totally depends on how many kids, what ages and what else is going on, also if the work is part time or full time.

 

Most people with three or more preschoolers find it hard. I cant even imagine being in some of my friends places with four under four.

 

If you have terrible sleepers it's going to be hard. Working full time would send me crazy. Working a couple of hours a week would probably be a nice.

 

Mum with three kids in school working full time... She works hard. My sister with three little kids who made all their clothes, canned fruit, baked from scratch, chicken and vege garden, homeschooled, no dishwasher, no dryer, she worked harder than most employed people I know. Mum with two older kids in school maybe not so much.

 

In terms of mental stimulation homeschooling is what makes it bearable for me. Without that outlet I would go a little crazy.

 

It's kind of like saying a childcare worker has a hard job. Depends how many kids, how organised the childcare centre is, what academics are involved. There are seasons in all jobs that are more difficult than others. Right now my Dh has a hard job. When there is less work on it's ok. He wouldn't swap with me but I wouldn't swap with him either . Neither of us have the right skills or emotional strengths for each other's jobs.

[Guest submarines]

My gut reaction to the question, "Is being a SAHM hard work?" is "No," not because I can't imagine any situation or season of life where it is hard. I heard Oprah comment many times (and that, even though I hardly ever watched her show), "Being a mom (or at-home mom) is the hardest job in the world." I always felt like... :confused1:  It seemed like a nicey-nice thing to say to the moms who I guess made up a large part of her viewing audience, but I couldn't imagine why anyone would have that as a general opinion.  That's the general opinion I still hear in the back of my mind when this question comes up - NOT that there can't be anyone or any circumstance or any chapter that is difficult, but that in general, it's the "hardest job in the world." It's not. 

 

I think what it is generally meant by this is that SAHMs are  fully responsible for their children, often without emotional and physical support, all the while being devalued for what they are doing. It is not the actual list of tasks that a SAHM has to perform during the day, and not about how challenging or easy her children are. It is the the mere fact that motherhood and staying home is devalued and the climate is often hostile.

[Luanne]

I voted it is challenging whether you are at home or work outside the home full-time.  I did both as my daughter grew up and both were equally challenging.  Now that she is 25, the parenting thing is easy, but it wasn't until she was over 20.

[zoobie]

LOL. Being SAHM was hard for me because I am an extrovert. The absence of adult company and stimulating conversations, the crippling loneliness of spending a week only with little kids... not for me.

 

That's hard too! I like some people. ;)

[Joanne]

My only comment is....If being a SAHParent isn't hard then how come my DH can't do it? He would much rather be at work where he is a school principal and work with hundreds of other peoples kids then deal with his three at home on his own.

False dichotomy.

 

And the fact that some posters said it is not hard

does not mean those posters are saying it is easy.

[elegantlion]

My dh (soon to be ex-dh...how do you ever write that out...) would have been a great SAHD when ds was little. He would have loved it to, had I had his earning potential. Now, homeschooling, he would have had to leave that to me. 

[Barb_]

My dh (soon to be ex-dh...how do you ever write that out...)

I must have missed the lead up. I'm sorry.

[Barb_]

False dichotomy.

 

And the fact that some posters said it is not hard

does not mean those posters are saying it is easy.

Blink.

 

Then...what are you saying?

[ocelotmom]

My only comment is....If being a SAHParent isn't hard then how come my DH can't do it? He would much rather be at work where he is a school principal and work with hundreds of other peoples kids then deal with his three at home on his own.

 

There's "I can't do it" vs. "I don't want to do it".

 

I could go get a job at the grocery store. I have absolutely no desire to do so. That doesn't make it hard - just not what I personally want to be doing with my life.

 

 

My dh (soon to be ex-dh...how do you ever write that out...) would have been a great SAHD when ds was little. He would have loved it to, had I had his earning potential. Now, homeschooling, he would have had to leave that to me. 

 

STBX is what I've always seen.

 

[Joanne]

Blink.

 

Then...what are you saying?

It is logic and semantics - that something is not hard does not imply it is easy. It is just not hard.

[Joanne]

My dh (soon to be ex-dh...how do you ever write that out...)

Unfortunately I know this one: stbxh

[pdalley]

Motherhood is....whatever it is for each person.  

There is no way *I* could work and do it well. 

I have a friend who says there is no way she could do it if she was home full-time.

 

 

 

I *really* think people need to not be judging one another.  We each have our own journey.

 

This. I'm not just a SAHM. With three with very different special needs and homeschooling all three of them it's much more than that. 

[Barb_]

It is logic and semantics - that something is not hard does not imply it is easy. It is just not hard.

Those terms are precise opposites. The phrase, "It's not hard," is meant to say, "It's easy."

 

How do you bake such lovely cookies?

 

It's not hard, let me show you.

 

The phrase implies a secret trick or some working knowledge the other person doesn't have. How can it mean otherwise? There are degrees of difficulty but there aren't degrees of ease. Not easy can mean a small struggle or a large struggle, but if it isn't hard at all, it's the opposite...generally a piece of cake.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Hard and easy are subjective. No one can accurately make sweeping statements that this or that thing is or is not easy or hard. What do we all know of each other's unique circumstances? Really. It is offensive and useless when we stop speaking from personal experience and start speaking in generalities.

[Joanne]

Those terms are precise opposites. The phrase, "It's not hard," is meant to say, "It's easy."

 

.

No, it is not meant to say it is easy. I voted "not hard". That does not mean it is easy.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Yes, I think walking in the shoes is helpful. It bothers me when people matter-of-factly state their opinion as The Truth when they could not possibly have worn all the shoes.

[mytwomonkeys]

kind of an oxymoron, but for me it isn't "hard" because i stay on top of it.  like laundry, it's only hard when i get really behind. it's the catching up that exhaust me.  if i am consistent with what my priorities are in life and family, i don't find it necessarily complex and difficult living throughout my day to day.

 

and to be clear, this is only from my life's POV and not inclusive of how it should be and work for anyone else.

 

just sharing a bit of how i'm answering the original question at hand.

[Jackie]

I always think this depends on what job outside the home you are comparing it to. When I worked for CPS, had crazy-long hours, and was immersed in others' trauma every day, motherhood was a piece of cake in comparison (though I never felt I had any energy left to devote to it). Now that I work part-time hours I choose as a massage therapist, the job is more relaxing than the parenting.

[lmrich]

Honestly, I am happiest when I am working part time. I have babysat, taught, etc in the home and outside the home. Finding a balance is so hard.

[ocelotmom]

Honestly, I am happiest when I am working part time. I have babysat, taught, etc in the home and outside the home. Finding a balance is so hard.

 

I think that's how I'd be happiest, too. 

[Ausmumof3]

I think working for cps would be one of the hardest jobs imaginable

[mytwomonkeys]

i always tease my husband and say we'll never get divorced because i don't want to work again or take out the trash :lol:  

 

i actually would enjoy a job -- just not social work again, or even a career for that matter. maybe the library. that would be lovely!

[ThisIsTheDay]

Motherhood is challenging no matter what.  However, when my kids were little, I worked part time outside of my home, It also helped that my husband usually was home on the days I worked, and he was very supportive, keeping up with everything when I was gone.

 

On the days I worked:

I listened to MY choice of music in the car. Loudly.

I didn't have to share my lunch with anyone.

I could eat my lunch when it was hot.

I didn't have to cut anyone else's food up into little pieces.

I could go to the bathroom when I wanted to.  Alone.

 

I was a legal secretary in a very large and busy law office. Attorneys can be big babies sometimes, but it was still a lot easier than staying home, and I got paid very well for it too.  For me, it was a lot more work to stay home full time with my kids (but totally worth it!). 

 

It also depends on your outside job.  It would not be easier to work at, say, Walmart.

[Joker]

My only comment is....If being a SAHParent isn't hard then how come my DH can't do it? He would much rather be at work where he is a school principal and work with hundreds of other peoples kids then deal with his three at home on his own.

 

My dh has done it and loved it. He doesn't do it now because he makes way more money than I can. If we ever came into a large sum of money, he would be home again in a heartbeat. He has taught and now is in management in an insurance company.

[KungFuPanda]

It's impossible to compare. We may all have the same job title, but we're not all doing the same job. If someone says their job is easy, we don't know if they are super-efficient and capable, or if they're phoning it it. Some moms rarely cook. Some moms rarely clean. Some homeschoolers rarely do school. Some families have all 'easy' kids. Some people are just better at juggling than others.

 

My first child was a high need infant, but delightfully easy ever since. She's almost 17. My second was an easy baby, but a high need toddler. He outgrew some pretty extreme levels of immaturity around age 7-8, but he's physically disabled, so his care is more intense and physically demanding as a teen.

 

Add homeschooling to the mix, and picking up an impossible concept of cleanliness in the Army, and there's so little down time. I think summer is awesome because I can be JUST a mom. I feel like I continue to do my full-time job, but take a break from my part-time job (homeschooling).

 

It's a bit of a marathon, but some people LIKE running more than others. Some are better at it. Honestly, depending upon the day, I could have checked every one of those boxes. Each and every poll choice has applied at some point in my life.

[Gentlemommy]

It's hard for me, mostly because I'm not getting my needs met. It's been like this for a long time, and will continue to be like this for a while longer, so knowing that is somewhat depressing. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids, I love that we spend our days together, and I have no doubt that HS is the best choice for them. Cleaning the house isn't hard, neither is cooking. Annoying, but not hard. Parenting is hard in that we are all trying to do the best we can, and 'doing your best' 24/7/365 is hard! Homeschooling isn't hard most of the time-only when the toddler decides she's gonna make it hard lol, or if there are learning issues.

My kids are pretty great, especially my older two. They are wonderful 99% of the time. My preschooler is very, very, very intense. I have a hard time being her (patient, loving, fun, connected, involved) mom. My dh travels and is gone 75% of the time often with little to no advance notice and absolutely no say in his schedule. He can not call off if I'm having a bad day. He can not come home early. With the last two kids, he went out of town the next day. We recently moved away from my mom and in laws, who were our only sitters. I left my few, very close friends. I'm now alone most of the time, and I have no break. All those things make being a SAHM who HS very difficult for me.

If I had a part time job I enjoyed, if I knew I'd have a couple of hours each day to fulfill my needs, I'd change my vote to finding it easy. Before I had kids I was a dancer. That was an awesome job. I travelled to other countries, had a close knit group of friends, my job was mentally and physically taxing, and absolutely fun. Yeah, we griped about late night rehearsals or whatever, but it was awesome, enjoyable, and easy. I'm in not shape to ever dance again lol, but I'd love a job teaching or at a library or something.

I can not and will not say what is easy or hard for someone else, however, for ME, SAH is the hardest thing I've ever done.

[sbgrace]

I do have children with special needs (health and developmental). For me, stay at home is still easier. The challenges go with my kids where ever they go. And in the case of the health related ones, especially, it gets more complicated away from home/my care.

[SKL]

Those terms are precise opposites. The phrase, "It's not hard," is meant to say, "It's easy."

 

How do you bake such lovely cookies?

 

It's not hard, let me show you.

 

The phrase implies a secret trick or some working knowledge the other person doesn't have. How can it mean otherwise? There are degrees of difficulty but there aren't degrees of ease. Not easy can mean a small struggle or a large struggle, but if it isn't hard at all, it's the opposite...generally a piece of cake.

 

If you ask me "is it cold out" and I say "no," that doesn't mean it's hot out.  It probably means it's above 40F or so.

 

I don't think anyone said "easy" but I could be wrong.

 

I also don't notice anyone insisting that nobody else has it hard.

 

Walking next door isn't hard.  Well, unless you are crippled, live miles from the nearest neighbor, or have been in a blizzard for 3 days.  People don't always have to qualify every generalization - obviously there are always exceptions.  Especially on a "confess your unpopular opinion" thread.

 

On that note, I think laundry is easy.  :D

[DawnM]

I used to work full time and have kids at home.  It was WAY more work.  I was running around all the time, never had much down time, etc...

 

Staying at home is far easier, even with homeschooling.

 

Dawn

[DawnM]

This is actually why I liked working.  I had a purpose.  I felt human.

 

When I stayed home, I felt unappreciated, a bit depressed, and not fully human at all.

 

It is only recently with the kids older and more independent that I feel I can go out with MY friends, do some ME things, etc.

 

 

Must be!  My kids were not easy going.  They are so much more pleasant now.

 

I'd say not until fairly recently have I started feeling like a real person again.  Seriously.

 

[DawnM]

I loved my job and I am an extrovert.  

 

I hated staying at home for a long time.  It still isn't my favorite thing.

 

Dawn

 

 

It was an adjustment (going from working full time to staying at home full time), but I don't mind it too much.  I do have plenty of hobbies so that helps.  Not to mention I did not love my job.  My job was far more boring than staying home.

 

A few years ago I went to culinary school.  I worked part time for awhile as a cook.  I'd do that again except I'd rather spend my weekends with my husband than working.  So for now it is what it is.

 

[DawnM]

I know this wasn't asked of me, but I LOVE the teen years!  I currently have two just about to turn 16 and 14.

 

I am not a baby/toddler lover….I found those years very difficult.  Not that the kids were difficult really, just that I could not relate at all.  It was also all consuming.  I had to keep them with me all the time, cater to their needs, not go anywhere grown up as they could not go, and the list goes on.

 

Dawn

 

 

Are you looking forward to the teenage years or dreading them just a little?

 

[Soror]

I love my babies but I've found 2+ is much easier for my mental health and sanity.