I hate my mother

[Lara in Colo]

My BPD mother just left me holding the bag....... again. 

 

This is leftovers from a few years ago, before I set firm boundaries.

 

I knew she would do this--- I've been tied up in knots for weeks and I haven't done any school in two weeks-- I just cannot focus.

 

Being the child of a BPD mother makes me hate confrontation so I learned early on to internalize it. 

 

There are days when I think that only my death will bring me peace-

 

But today, right now, I  hate her.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[mom2bee]

:grouphug: . Deep breaths and big hugs. I'm so sorry for your frustrations. Is there anyone you could talk to--even just to vent in a safe place?

[Dandelion]

:grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

Well, I called DH and he was great-- even offered to make a phone call for me-- I might take him up on that offer.

 

I called my brother-- and basically got-- "Gee that sucks-- that's why I didn't help her like you did"  But at the time, he just ran away from her-- like he always does and left me holding the bag then, too.

 

Me, I cannot run away-- she just follows me-- I mean it if I moved away like my brother did, she would move too.

 

 

[clarkacademy]

I'm sorry, a what? What is BPD??

[Lara in Colo]

Borderline personality disorder--- basically bat**it crazy, but can hold it together long enough that everyone thinks she is fantastic and you are nuts for complaining.

 

They use their children to fill out the parts of their personalities that are lacking.

 

She borders narcisism and manic depressive.    So she spends a couple of years being bullet proof--- and then hides when the s**t hits the fan.

 

 

The most famous example is from the movie "mommy dearest"

[clarkacademy]

Borderline personality disorder--- basically bat**it crazy, but can hold it together long enough that everyone thinks she is fantastic and you are nuts for complaining.

 

They use their children to fill out the parts of their personalities that are lacking.

 

She borders narcisism and manic depressive.    So she spends a couple of years being bullet proof--- and then hides when the s**t hits the fan.

 

 

The most famous example is from the movie "mommy dearest"

OH, I am so sorry

[PeachyDoodle]

:grouphug: Sending good thoughts your way...

[FaithManor]

Well, I called DH and he was great-- even offered to make a phone call for me-- I might take him up on that offer.

 

I called my brother-- and basically got-- "Gee that sucks-- that's why I didn't help her like you did"  But at the time, he just ran away from her-- like he always does and left me holding the bag then, too.

 

Me, I cannot run away-- she just follows me-- I mean it if I moved away like my brother did, she would move too.

Lara, I am so sorry. I don't know what to tell you except to relate that I had a college friend whose mother is NPD; she and her husband spent several years finding jobs oversees, then left without telling her. She was unable to follow. Their lives were blissful by comparison after that.

 

Any chance of something like that?

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[idnib]

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[AimeeM]

:grouphug:

[JessReplanted]

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Lara. :(

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

My children think she is fantastic

 

All my friends thought she was neat-- except for the ones that *really* knew me.

 

The most frightening thing I ever heard coming from her mouth was that she wanted to live to be 110 years old--- I thought--I'll never outlive her.

 

I had a couple of really great years when she was really mad at me and stopped speaking to me  (then wondered why I was so mad at her) but a couple of years ago she broke her hip and I was the only one to take care of her-- I still believe in taking care of your parents. 

 

**sigh** it was a good couple of years

 

 

[HappyLady]

I'm so sorry.  :(  I know how you feel.  Growing up, everyone loved my mom, but I knew the truth.  And when I told them the truth, they didn't believe me.  It took a really long time before anybody did.  Now, as an adult, people look at me like the "bad daughter" because I refuse to do anything for her, which leaves my sister doing everything.  But my mom was different with my sister growing up, for some reason.  So I can totally feel your pain.   :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

Growing up people thought she was great-- she was always well dressed in the latest (sometimes teen) fashion.  I see now she was in competition with me-- she could spend $500.00 in one day on herself, but only buy my clothes at the discount stores--- unless she needed to feel like a generous mom-- then she showered me with stuff (only to hold it ransom later).

 

I see all this now as an adult, but then I was just really mixed up.

 

But now, this is just mean, making me clean up her messes and hiding and not answering the phone and not doing what she promised to do.

[amsunshine]

:grouphug:

[plansrme]

So if you do not clean up after her, what is the worst that can happen?

 

My own mother is her own brand of crazy, but I have the option of disengaging. This is the price my brother pays for having been her favorite for all of these years.

[TravelingChris]

Can't you just stop helping her? 

 

Anyway, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Lara,

 

You know, you shouldn't feel guilty if you reach the point at which you need to choose between her or your own family's health. It's more than okay to choose your husband and children. It's okay to choose your own mental health.

 

I am convinced that BPD and NPD absolutely know what they are doing, and they know when they are abusing people and they just seriously do not give a d*mn. You can't be responsible for that, and you don't have to take care of her. You can hold her accountable for her actions, and her actions lead to having zero or limited contact, and a nursing home if she busts something else!

 

Sometimes the only way we can honor our parent when the parent acts so despicably is to no longer enable them to continue to use us in this manner. It doesn't benefit anyone and preventing them from abusing the next generation may be the biggest honor we can bestow upon them...removing victims from their path.

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[Lisbeth]

Drop the rope! Her issues are affecting you, and that affects your family. This person has you feeling your only peace is death. You loved it when she wasn't speaking to you. Don't lef her toxin spread to your children, even second hand! Please understand you don't owe her or have to talk to her. She doesn.'t have to ruin the rest of your life...you have a choice! Walk away! Be happy!

[gardenmom5]

making sure she is somewhere safe (but NOT with you) is still honoring your mother.  a nursing home, retirement center, etc.  you don't have to call her to see how she's doing - you can talk to the nurses (who are paid to deal with her) and will probably get a more truthful answer.

one website I found helpful is daughters of narcisstic mothers.  it was my grandmother who was the BPD. (my mother was so damaged she couldn't protect us.  my grandmother did ALOT of damage to her grandchildren.)  and not matter how much you question your sanity - you are not crazy.

[Mommy22alyns]

Drop the rope! Her issues are affecting you, and that affects your family. This person has you feeling your only peace is death. You loved it when she wasn't speaking to you. Don't lef her toxin spread to your children, even second hand! Please understand you don't owe her or have to talk to her. She doesn.'t have to ruin the rest of your life...you have a choice! Walk away! Be happy!

 

 

Absolutely.  Lara, I understand.  I just realized about a year and a half ago that my mom was NPD.  So many things are coming up that I took for normal that just were NOT.  She was very uninvolved with me and caught up in her own life, but she wanted to hold me hostage, basically.  We cut off contact because she blew up at me because I asked IF she planned to get the girls anything for Christmas.  She decided to call me an awful daughter because I didn't print a million pictures and send them to her constantly (she had full access to my Photobucket account and could have printed anything she wanted) or constantly ferry the girls 9 hours one way to her when we offered to pay for a bus ticket and put her up at our house.  We took them up there 3 times as it was, and on our last trip we paid for Olive Garden for her, my sister, my dad, and all 4 of us.  You know what she remembered from that trip?  That she bought me a cup of coffee from a gas station and I didn't pay her for it.  That's right.  And she brought this up YEARS after the fact.  Oh, and she never gave us a cent for gas either.

 

Anyway, no contact and I mainly feel angry that I didn't realize all of this sooner.  This might sound awful, but she's dead to me and I don't care what happens to her.  She made this bed, she can lie in it.

[mathmarm]

:grouphug: . I am lucky that the crazy female relative is an aunt (my dads sister) and not my mom. We stayed with Crazy Aunt for a couple of summers as kids and it was a real eye opening experience for me. I never dismissed her kids as just moody or being 'bad' after that. She was truly one of the meanest, most exhausting people I've ever known.

 

It was truly a taxing and bewildering experience and the grief that she is putting her kids through as adults is very, very sad. The kids seem to be rotating entering feuds with her just to get some long stretches of piece of mind. I am sorry that your mom has left her baggage with you once again. Is there a support group that you could join?

 

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

It is awful, the damage they do. My aunt is BPD, and raising a grandchild! :banghead:  :banghead:  :banghead:  Said grandchild is 13 and was recently hospitalized for one month on a psyche ward for cutting himself and being suicidal. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. But, my cousin who can't keep her legs closed so she just keeps having kids (seven kids, six baby daddy's one of whom is a KKK'er and the father of this kid, the last three having FASD) fpawns her kids off on relatives, her sick and twisted mother especially (believe me, I am angry about my cousin's behavior, but more so my aunt because I'd bet good money that my cousin is this dysfunctional because of her mother), and the state is more than willing to leave them there.

 

I hate the system.

 

Anyway, yep...I have come to the conclusion that there are some people who are so toxic that the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved is to separate your life from their wicked ways.

 

Faith

[Tiramisu]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

So sorry.

 

Add me to the bunch that has a relative like that, but who is thankful it is not my mom and someone I can keep my distance from.  

 

 

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Borderline personality disorder--- basically bat**it crazy, but can hold it together long enough that everyone thinks she is fantastic and you are nuts for complaining.

 

Hey, I have a MIL like that.  We're thinking my own mother has something else, like a complete lack of empathy, but not in a nasty-old-lady kinda way  - rather in an inappropriate-but-doesn't-know-it way.

 

It sucks.  It nothing but sucks.  I kinda have to circle the mental wagons and remember that my little trio is OK.  We're OK.

 

You're OK too.

 

But is still sucks.

[Lara in Colo]

It does suck and I after this recent cr*p is over, I will hopefully be through with her.  I am just so tired of her and her lifestyle.  Every 5 years she has to reinvent her life-- either by destroying something or building something new that takes lots of sacrifice-- only to destroy it 5 years later.

 

houses, yards, careers, marriages, friendships-- you name it.   I spent my life moving and doing a new yard design only to move again. 

I have been in this house with DH for 11 years and I haven't done a single thing to the yard.

 

The longest I ever even lived in one place was the condo I bought at 20-- I lived there 7 years until I married DH. 

 

Where is the bourbon????   We are sadly lacking in Valium.

[lllll]

..

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Lisbeth]

My maternal grandmother was BPD, which is why I so strongly just said WALK AWAY in my earlier reply.  I am very comfortable now saying I hate my "grandmother" for what she did to her children, including my mother. Shared DNA does nothing for me if the person is toxic.  So sorry you are dealing with this! :grouphug:

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

I have a questionable mother.  :grouphug:

 

 

Just for fun..I confronted my mother with something she had done the other day, and after denying it, she decided to apologize (I call it her apology, she 'gifts' me with things but never says a WORD about what was offensive)  by bringing me a hubbard squash. So I have this huge ugly squash on my porch. Good thing they make great pumpkin pie. 

 

So. Forgo the huge ugly squash. Just shut the door when the opportunity comes. 

 

 

[Lara in Colo]

deleted

[Miss Peregrine]

I am angry for you. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[*Lulu*]

(((Hugs)))

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[lea_lpz]

Borderline personality disorder--- basically bat**it crazy, but can hold it together long enough that everyone thinks she is fantastic and you are nuts for complaining.

 

They use their children to fill out the parts of their personalities that are lacking.

 

She borders narcisism and manic depressive.    So she spends a couple of years being bullet proof--- and then hides when the s**t hits the fan.

 

 

The most famous example is from the movie "mommy dearest"

 

Yep, this this is my mother.   :grouphug:

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Lara,

 

You know, you shouldn't feel guilty if you reach the point at which you need to choose between her or your own family's health. It's more than okay to choose your husband and children. It's okay to choose your own mental health.

 

I am convinced that BPD and NPD absolutely know what they are doing, and they know when they are abusing people and they just seriously do not give a d*mn. You can't be responsible for that, and you don't have to take care of her. You can hold her accountable for her actions, and her actions lead to having zero or limited contact, and a nursing home if she busts something else!

 

Sometimes the only way we can honor our parent when the parent acts so despicably is to no longer enable them to continue to use us in this manner. It doesn't benefit anyone and preventing them from abusing the next generation may be the biggest honor we can bestow upon them...removing victims from their path.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. I also think that you can honor your parents without endangering yourself and your sanity. You can honor them without becoming their doormat (though it's certainly easier said than done!). 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

oh boy, that's a pretty serious problem.  Yes, try to talk with a lawyer to find out what your rights are.  :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

Really--- getting better--- Other trustee called and is angry  (the koolaid seems to be wearing off)

 

I am on drink #3--- starting to feel no pain

 

Still hate her though---

[Starr]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  So sorry!

[annandatje]

Get an attorney tomorrow morning and pay retainer with trust funds.  Hopefully you can locate attorney who has experience in fiduciary disputes.

 

Breach of fiduciary duty, regardless of intent, can be a serious civil matter.  I assume that as trustee, you signed the loan documents to borrow against the real estate; the attorney will need the loan documents.  Do whatever you have to do to find them for your attorney. 

 

If you get out of this situation without penalty, I do hope you resign as co-trustee. Fiduciaries can be held personally liable for misuse of funds. 

 

I understand why you would have felt moved to be a trustee for your mother.  In a similar situation, I allowed my emotions to overrule logic and agreed to be a fiduciary for a relative.  I now deeply regret that decision due to the nasty, manipulative behavior of the beneficiary I was only trying to help.  I should have insisted she pay for the services of a corporate trustee, but I was trying to conserve her money.

[zoobie]

Yes, please find a lawyer. Then resign as trustee as soon as possible (when your lawyer tells you it's "safe"). Good luck.

[jenamiles]

I don't have anything new to add but wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.  I went through something similar as the much older step-daughter of a BPD.  After my grandmother died and I moved out, while my siblings were still in her house, she blew through their VERY LARGE trust and college funds in a matter of 5 years and on total crap.  The corporate trustee was manipulated by her and by the time they realized what was happening it was gone.  The best thing my husband ever did for me was put his foot down and say I needed to cut off all ties with her.  It's been 8 years and she had the opportunity to speak to me for the first time at my sister's wedding just a few month's ago.  (My siblings see it but just aren't at a point where they feel they can walk away.)  Let's just say I don't intend to continue the conversation.  All that to say, I'm sorry. I totally feel for you and "have been there, done that".  I hope you are able to resolve the trustee issue and wash your hands of the whole situation.  I know that is harder said than done, but hopefully not being the responsible one will some separation.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: