Wow... I don't even know how I feel...

[abba12]

I don't know if anyone here is all that interested in my drama but I don't know where else to go. I need to talk to someone, but my family were against the 'good news' part of this post from the start, and I don't have any irl friends who I can share the 'bad timing' part of this story with yet...

 

I have just discovered I am pregnant with #3, this baby is very wanted, I always wanted a large family and that isn't the issue.

 

But my husband has anger issues which have become a huge problem the past couple of months. Bad enough that I have said we will separate if certain things occur again. I don't want to leave, and he is not an abusive man, he wants to be better, he hates himself for what he does while angry, and he is a wonderful husband and father 98% of the time. It is an issue of him not knowing how to handle his emotions in a healthy way (I can blame his parents for that) but it is abusive nonetheless and certain lines needed to be drawn. 

 

To make matters worse I suffer from hyperemesis (severe morning sickness). It is late onset for me, so in about two weeks I will be couch-bound, and I will continue to take medication and feel nauseous for the entire 9 months. I also had some psychological/hormonal issues last pregnancy which were very bad and I pray will not reoccur, as they did not occur with my first pregnancy. 

 

I feel trapped, like if things with my husband get worse I have no way out now. I feel lonely, because any emotional connection with him is strained right now. It couldn't have happened at a worse time really... I am excited for a baby, just scared.

 

 

[Dory]

:grouphug:  I'm so sorry. That trapped feeling is a horrible feeling. I know what that is like, feeling like you are running out of options.

 

Despite that, congratulations on your upcoming little one. I hope for you sake it is an awesome pregnancy.

[Ann.without.an.e]

First of all....((((hugs)))) you are in a tough spot!  I hope this is not too personal, but in his anger has he ever harmed you or your children physically?  Even if it has only happened a few times?

 

Try not to stress about the morning sickness or hormonal issues.  You didn't have these with your first and you may not have it with this baby either.  We will pray that you do not.  

 

 

 

[Cinder]

:grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

congratulations.

 

I believe your dh when he says he doesn't want to be this way - but he needs to learn "how" to change himself.  Just saying he wants to change will not change him - it will be work. It requires a plan of how to actually accomplish that. It will be worth the effort for your whole family.

 

is your dh in any kind of anger management program?, or counseling?  it can help him learn how to recognize the signs within himself of working towards an outburst, what triggers affect him, and more productive ways of handling his feelings.  one thing that can help (as homework, not in place of counseling) is yoga.  it helps to balance the mind and body so those prone to outbursts overcome the biochemical need.

 

do you have any family nearby who can help when the hypermesis starts?  any church group?

[NicAnn]

I'm so sorry. Never ever feel like you have "no way out". There is always help and resources out therefor you!

 

Congratulations on a new little life!

[jewellsmommy]

Congratulations on the baby. :001_smile:

 

If he would be willing to do some sort of anger management or counseling, that would be great. I know that some jobs offer services like specific anger management or stress management. If that is not an option, then general counseling would be great. If money is too tight to make that work then what about a local church (assuming you are not opposed to that.)

 

If none of those are feasible, then maybe a little online research for techniques that he would be willing to enact?

 

If it ever becomes physical, then please reach out and get out. Family, friends, a neighbor, abuse hotline, local church, whatever you need to do, but do it.

[Tangerine]

I had hyperemesis with one baby, and not the other two.  So I'm really hoping for you that you get a break on this one! 

 

It is always hard to say what you would do in another's situation, but I would very slowly make every change I could to put myself in the best possible position in the event that you do determine that you need to leave.  If that is getting your name on a credit card, or a part-time job, or your own bank account, little steps that will put you in a slightly better position.  It doesn't mean you have decided anything, other than to start weaving a safety net for yourself.

[abba12]

First of all....((((hugs)))) you are in a tough spot!  I hope this is not too personal, but in his anger has he ever harmed you or your children physically?  Even if it has only happened a few times?

 

Yes, but not excessively, he doesn't beat me or anything even close to that, but there have been occasions when he has crossed the line. That is where the issue of separation has come up. 

 

:grouphug:

congratulations.

 

I believe your dh when he says he doesn't want to be this way - but he needs to learn "how" to change himself.  Just saying he wants to change will not change him - it will be work. It requires a plan of how to actually accomplish that. It will be worth the effort for your whole family.

 

is your dh in any kind of anger management program?, or counseling?  it can help him learn how to recognize the signs within himself of working towards an outburst, what triggers affect him, and more productive ways of handling his feelings.  one thing that can help (as homework, not in place of counseling) is yoga.  it helps to balance the mind and body so those prone to outbursts overcome the biochemical need.

 

do you have any family nearby who can help when the hypermesis starts?  any church group?

 

He isn't in a therapy program atm  (he tried one but it was a bad, bad fit and he is skeptical of mental health professionals at the best of times) but, because I have PTSD and have been involved with mental health for years, I have been able to help guide him through those things a little bit (not ideal, I know, but it's the only option we had). We already know what the triggers are and he is working towards dealing with those and changing his mindset about them. He also knows what he needs to do, in walking away, and self-talk for various situations, and communicating in a way that actually gets him what he wants and needs instead of anger which just makes things worse for him as well as me. I think last week we actually figured out the last piece of the puzzle. I would have said, this past few weeks, that we are finally moving forward again after an awful slump. I just wish baby had given us another month or two to move forward before appearing!

 

 

His family displays very little emotion. As kids, they were all spanked if they fought, no matter who started it, so they never fought. No one showed anger, or sadness, and frankly, as 'close' as they claimed to be as a family, they don't know the first thing about each other, really, deeply. I know for a fact when his mum has an issue with his dad she just says nothing, and his dad throws things. All 4 of his brothers have the same anger issues he does. This is why I have tolerated as much as I have. I know abuse, I grew up around abuse and I always said I would never accept it, but in this instance I can see it is something he is fighting against in the same way I fight against my PTSD, because ALL his brothers are fighting against the exact same thing. Two brothers have had car accidents caused by their anger in the past year. Some of the behavior caused by my PTSD could be considered abusive, but it's not because it has a cause. I see his anger issues as having a cause, like my PTSD, in his past and his family life. It makes them different from the anger and abuse that I have seen growing up, from people who know they're doing it and use it as a tool.

 

The final piece of the puzzle came out last week. When he gets angry he feels nothing, no emotion or attachment or concern. At one point he left me when I needed medical attention because he truly felt nothing. Most people get this in a state of rage, but he can get this way from me picking at something he didn't do quite right. I blame this squarely on his parents, he learnt not to feel anything as a way to cope with a house where emotions weren't welcome, or were even punished. If you learn never ever to argue, you can either become a doormat, or controlling no matter what the cost. I have seen him progress so much in his emotions since we have been married, finally seeing him be happy and express happiness in a normal way was wonderful, and when he began to learn to articulate what was wrong when he was sad it helped things so much. It's just anger that is a problem. 

 

I have involved some other people who know what's going on, they have heard full accounts of a couple of incidents, so I am not just letting this slide or accepting abuse, but I am tolerating more than most would consider acceptable, because of the family history and because I believe him when he says it isn't him, he feels like it takes over, as opposed to most angry men I know who use it to frighten and control and it is a choice to be angry.

 

But, as I said above, it has very rarely been physical, and when it has it has been very minor, and usually half accidental. He has never actually punched me or anything like that. 

[abba12]

I had hyperemesis with one baby, and not the other two.  So I'm really hoping for you that you get a break on this one! 

 

I've heard of women like that!

Both of my children are girls, so I am still holding out hope that I would not get sick with a boy.

[RanchGirl]

Congratulations on the new baby, and best of luck for no sickness this time!  If people around you aren't excited about the baby, it may be that they are just really concerned for your and the children's safety in your home.

 

If I may say so, I find it wildly inappropriate that you are attempting to be any form of counselor for your husband and his issues.  This really needs to be something he works out with a third party.  I do not have any sort of understanding of anger issues.  It is simply incomprehensible to me that a sober adult would take out anger on people he is supposed to care for.  From my (obviously very limited) perspective, it sounds like you are making excuses for him and minimizing his behavior.  I hope you are sincere in your statement that one more time will be the breaking point, because regardless of how his parents raised him or his feelings or the barometric pressure or whatever else he might want to blame, the responsibility for the behavior is 100% his, and it is well within his control.  Does he attack his boss or random passers by?  Likely no, because he controls himself there.  So he can control himself at home too.

 

You deserve to live in a safe place and you have a responsibility to make sure your children grow up in a safe place.  If you don't have a way out now should there be another incident, make back up plans now, don't wait. 

 

 

[melmichigan]

Congratulations on the new baby.

 

I would suggest your DH seek help from mental health professionals ASAP.  Anger and rage can be associated with many things, from impulse control problems, depression, to bipolar, etc, not just the way a person was raised, or the upbringing can contribute to any of these conditions.  He needs help to learn to control the anger, be it through therapy, medications, or a combination of the two.  Regardless, it needs to be addressed by the right professional.  

[zoobie]

What was your plan before you realized you were pregnant? If your husband is willing to enter intensive treatment, etc. and separate while he works on his issues, will he voluntarily provide financial support to you and the kids? (Including childcare help)

 

Are you in therapy? What if the one more time involves a child and not you? Or the child you are carrying?

 

Good luck.

[JennifersLost]

I think demand counseling, or leave - even in a trial separation way. I get how hard that would be, but now is the time to ask for help from anyone and everyone. No good is going to come from waiting.

[Scarlett]

I'm so sorry. Never ever feel like you have "no way out". There is always help and resources out therefor you!

 

Congratulations on a new little life!

Never feel trapped.

 

There are some good anger management programs out there.

 

And congrats on baby #3!

[NorthwestMom]

I think you MUST, for your own safety and that of your children, demand he get into counseling or leave now.  You BOTH need the safety of an objective and trained third party to help him learn different patterns of behavior.  You are not going to be in any condition to carry the load for you family at this time. It's great you have been able to help in in the past, but the chances that you, an untrained relative with an emotional connection to him, have truly found "the last piece of the puzzle" are slim to none.  He can try a few different counselors until he feels comfortable, but he must have third-party accountability.  MUST MUST MUST.  For your sake, the kids' sake, and his own. He CAN get better, your family can continue to get well and thrive, but you cannot do it alone.

 

Calling Joanne!!!! We need some wisdom here!!!

 

Congrats on the baby.  I hope this pregnancy is an easy one for you and this is the start of better things to come.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

Oh, honey, keep yourself safe.

 

Pregnancy is a dangerous time for women in perilous relationships.

 

(((Love and Hugs)))

[annandatje]

Stop blaming parents, yourself or others for his bad behavior; hold him and him only accountable for his actions. You state that he has rarely been physical which means that he responded physically to anger at least once in the past.

 

Pregnancy only adds further stress to an already tense situation; statistically pregnant women and women who are about to leave a relationship are at highest risk for abuse.

 

I agree with the poster who recommended a trial separation now with clearcut goals for both of you to achieve before even considering a reunion.

 

Further I recommend that you devise a plan for financial independence for you and your children so that you have a way to provide for your family should you decide to end the relationship.

 

How does your husband feel about the pregnancy? Does he share in your excitement? Or does he resent the pregnancy? You've told us how you feel about the pregnancy, but not how he views it.

 

Why was your family "against the good news?" This makes me suspect that your situation is more dire than you portray, and that they were upset about another pregnancy because they had hoped you would leave an abusive or unsatisfying marriage. Hopefully they will make themselves and their homes available to you and your two children should you need them.

 

Keep us posted. I hope your husband finds a healthy nondestructive way to deal with his anger.

[goldberry]

 

I feel trapped, like if things with my husband get worse I have no way out now. I feel lonely, because any emotional connection with him is strained right now. It couldn't have happened at a worse time really... I am excited for a baby, just scared.

 

Make a plan.  You don't have to implement it right now.  You can still take time to determine your course.  But make the plan now.  That should help with your anxiety about not having a way out, and also give you confidence that if you need to do something immediately, you will already know what to do.

 

A domestic violence center or hotline will help you come up with a plan if you need help.  They will not try to force you to leave or to do anything right away that you don't want to do.  But they can help you formulate a plan that will give you the confidence of knowing you have a way out.

 

Love to your new baby :grouphug: .

 

(Note, you may feel like your situation is not severe enough or warrants the help of a domestic violence resource.  Don't be afraid to contact them because of that.  They are not just there for women on the run. They are there to help all kinds of situations and can give you some great assistance.)

[Anne in CA]

I just want to chime in and say, you are not trapped just because you are pregnant and may have intense medical needs. Even though it sounds like you do not have an acceptable family to fall back on, you do have options in this scenario and you need to research them and be ready to use them. I know people who do not have good families who left abusive spouses when they had several kids, no money, no job, no hope of a job, and still managed to make wonderful lives for themselves. Was it easy? No. But they did it and you can if you need to also.

 

You do need to make sure that you have a network of people around you that can help you meet the needs that may come up. Not just for you but for your other kids too. One of the women I am thinking of got lots of help from her small group Bible study over the years she was a single mom of four with no child support and a minimum wage job.

 

You need to INSIST on counseling. I know what a good game people put up about not trusting mental health professionals. It is mostly BS. You say he is not manipulative, but a mistrust of a whole field suggests to me that he is HIGHLY manipulative in a way you don't recognize. He may very well be a different brand of manipulative than you grew up with, but that doesn't really make him different. BTW, most abusers work the whole angle of how much they hate their bad behavior and want to change. The real test of whether they mean it is if they enter counseling or a program. If they won't try a new counselor, they are manipulating when they claim they want to change. They just don't want to be called on their stuff and they know how to shut you down by acting sorry.

[abba12]

Why was your family "against the good news?" This makes me suspect that your situation is more dire than you portray, and that they were upset about another pregnancy because they had hoped you would leave an abusive or unsatisfying marriage. Hopefully they will make themselves and their homes available to you and your two children should you need them.

 

No, they're against me having three children and against what they consider to be a small age gap.

 

-----------------

 

He went to a therapist once before, the guy basically told him to take deep breaths and count to 10. His distrust of psychologists is warranted as he has watched me be severely mistreated regarding my mental health by 'professionals' who make some major mistakes. He would be willing to see another one, but do you think it's possible to just go book an appointment for this afternoon with the local psychologist? Not so much. It's more complicated than that. We HAVE involved third parties, just not professional ones yet. The church is an option, but they are no more qualified than anyone else, in fact sometimes they are less so.

 

No one would blame me for my flashbacks and the resulting behavior because of my PTSD. They would blame my past and agree I have no control. I see my husbands issues at the moment as very similar, I blame them on his past,and I see that after a certain point he has no control. Just as I am a victim to my PTSD, he is a victim to his anger. But, just as I am expected to work on, push through, and deal with my PTSD as best I can, I am expecting him to do the same for his anger. But it's no overnight process, you don't learn to control it all just because I said so. It's a process and I have made a decision to stay for the process, provided we have a constant forward momentum, going towards improvement. It's all well and good to say I should leave, but he has feelings too, he is fighting this, of that I am convinced. Losing me would break him, of that I have no doubt either. I am not the only consideration here. Of course, if he only pretended to change and improve and never did, then his feelings would no longer matter, but he is trying, that's obvious to anyone who knows him, and I want to support him, whether he deserves it or not.

 

Also, regarding his attitude towards the pregnancy, I only found out this morning, I will tell him tonight, but I expect him to be ecstatic. When he is not angry, he is the most amazing father and husband. People are jealous of the relationship we seem to have, and do have outside of the times of angry outbursts. 

[Garga]

Your posts are all one big red flag. He's sorry, he can't help it, he distrusts all therapsists. You are helping him, you can see how it's just his upbringing (making excuses for him) , you've grown up in an abusive home, your family is distressed about the pregnancy. Reading your posts was like reading a textbook case of how abuse works.

 

Sweetie, go ahead with your plan to separate. Do it by the end of the week, if not by the end of tomorrow. Abusive men become more abusive around pregnant females. Once he has had professional counseling, then you can come back.

[Guest]

:grouphug: congratulations. I had very bad morning sickness (long before pregnancy tests could detect anything in the '80s) with all of my children EXCEPT little ds.

 

I am not in a position to offer you relationship advice, but there are many people on this board who are.

 

Babies are conceived into struggling relationships all the time. Sometimes they grow up with both parents in their lives and other times they don't. Each new life is still a miracle and each new mother discovers strength inside herself that she never knew she had.

 

I am so sorry that your parents were not supportive. This is a time to celebrate, not a time to judge.

 

 

[Sharon37127]

abba12- pm'ed you.  will again tomorrow. 

[maize]

Anger is one of the most common symptoms of depression in men, and your comments about him feeling nothing incline me to think in that direction. If I were in your shoes I would do everything in my power to get professional help for him NOW.

 

Sending hugs and prayers. Congratulations for the little one on the way, and may this pregnancy prove a catalyst for good.

[Joanne]

I have involved some other people who know what's going on, they have heard full accounts of a couple of incidents, so I am not just letting this slide or accepting abuse, but I am tolerating more than most would consider acceptable, because of the family history and because I believe him when he says it isn't him, he feels like it takes over, as opposed to most angry men I know who use it to frighten and control and it is a choice to be angry.

 

 

 

Your posts, and reading the context, suggest a pattern of abuse. Sometimes that abuse includes physical components - but the abuse is present regardless.

 

While I want to offer you {{{{many tender hugs}}}} and congratulations, I can not support your statements above. Abuse is about power and control, and it is a choice - even in your husband's case.

He has a problem that requires treatment. The treatment for domestic abuse is specific. Marital therapy is contra-indicated here.

 

He is not safe. He won't be safe for a long time. If it were me, I'd have a list of "musts" that he needs to do, a list of "continues" that have to keep happening, and after a long-ish period of time, I'd consider dating/courting to consider a reconciliation.

 

I get you are trapped - in fact you ARE trapped. I'm hopeful you'll listen to people outside the system and not discount us by saying "we don't understand" or "we don't know him" or we are "just people on a message board." The truth is that you are in an abusive marriage. Even with help, the chances of that dynamic changing are low; they are zero without treatment and intervention.

[RanchGirl]

It sounds like you are really not seeing this situation clearly.  You are rationalizing his behavior and your choice to stay with him.  But you have children!  They NEED a safe place to grow up!  ONE incident of physical abuse toward my children from anyone for any reason would be the LAST.  There is just NO excuse for him to abuse them or for you to allow it.  NONE.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you are confusing having empathy and understanding of someone who is feeling out of control, with setting appropriate boundaries.  You can have empathy borne of feeling out of control at times with your own PTSD but you still need to set appropriate boundaries for yourself and your children.  I have PTSD from some traumatic incidents in my own life but any flashbacks I have have had have never put my children or my husband in even potential danger.  If they did, I would remove myself from the family until I was safe to be around my family.  I need to put the health and well-being of my children above my own comfort or preferences.  It's the same for your husband.  

[StephanieZ]

Listen to Joanne. Get out now. Be safe. Be well. Protect all of your children.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Hikin' Mama]

Hugs to you!

[melmichigan]

 

No one would blame me for my flashbacks and the resulting behavior because of my PTSD. They would blame my past and agree I have no control. I see my husbands issues at the moment as very similar, I blame them on his past,and I see that after a certain point he has no control. Just as I am a victim to my PTSD, he is a victim to his anger. 

 

Saying this with the best of intention...  I would blame you.  If you were suffering from PTSD and were a risk to your family or other people, I most certainly would blame you if you didn't remove yourself from the situation, get help, and only begin interacting again when you are safe to be around.  The same applies to your DH.   :grouphug:

[East Coast Sue]

(((Hugs))).  You and your children need the safety of not living in a powder keg waiting for the next explosion.  Please, take action and get yourself to a domestic violence counselor. You are in real danger and your children are too.  I imagine this is scary and quite upsetting to read so many people reply in unison that you are in danger- I have seen this before and I hear your fears, isolation, and desperation. There is only one solution- He can't or won't stop the outburst and you must. I am so sorry for you but you deserve the truth.  You're too immersed in a bad situation to realize the need for separation. (Have you heard that a frog will jump from hot water but doesn't jump from water slowly warming on the stove?  You would never accept this marital situation if you could see it from the outside.)

 

((((More Hugs))))

[Joanne]

Coming back to add that living in domestic abuse *creates* PTSD. If yours existed already, staying in this situation exacerbates the problem.

[momto10blessings]

It sounds like you are really not seeing this situation clearly. You are rationalizing his behavior and your choice to stay with him. But you have children! They NEED a safe place to grow up! ONE incident of physical abuse toward my children from anyone for any reason would be the LAST. There is just NO excuse for him to abuse them or for you to allow it. NONE.

I agree. He may not have hurt anyone "seriously" yet, but it's only a matter of time. You are not doing anyone any good by allowing this to continue. Your children deserve to feel safe and I can not imagine feeling safe while walking on eggshells around their dad. That is not a normal childhood and they are going to end up growing up the same way, with the same anger if they are not removed from that situation. It's an endless cycle and it needs to be stopped.

[swellmomma]

Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.  You don't know if you will have the hormonal or psychological issues, nor do you know if you will have hyperemesis again.  No matter how trapped you feel, you aren't, there is supports out there if you need to ask him to leave.  It is scary, and stressful and you will feel like it is the worst decision ever to separate until you do. And you see your children suddenly release a burden you never thought they had at such a young age.  I left when my kids were 2.5 yrs and 18 months.  No I was not pg again, but oldest was already showing signs of major issues.  I stuck around through his angry outbursts, through the drinking, through the verbal abuse etc The final straw for me was when he hit me. That was my line.  BUT after seeing how much burden my babies were already shouldering that they never should have had to, after we left I wished I had left sooner.  I thought they were too young for it to be affecting them in such a way.  They don't remember most of our life back then, but the emotional scars are most certainly there.  Kids are resilient, but that doesn't make them impervious to what is going on.  Yelling behind closed doors when you think they are asleep, even as little toddlers does affect them in a negative way.

I am sorry but you simply CAN NOT put your own fear of being alone dealing with a pg over the wellbeing of the children you currently have.  It is not fair to them in the slightest. 

I have had 2 pregancies as a single parent go to term(I have had m/c as well).  One of them I had hyperemesis for and had to be medicated all 9 months.  Both were high risk preterm deliveries which included bed rest etc.  I have dealt with PPD after every one of my pregnancies.  Guess what, we made it through, I didn't have family helping me out much, what I did have was a friend when I had ds10 that stepped up and was my support emotionally through the ups and downs of my pregnancy and he was my labor coach.  With dd6 I had virtually zero supports, even getting my folks to watch the kids when I went into preterm labor was a battle, dd was born in an ambulance so it's not like I had time to spare.  I am like any other mom that is doing what she can for her kids to provide them a safe home, I put them first, I muddle through, I shoulder the burden and I trudge on.

Is pregnancy and recovery easier when you have a good husband, absolutely yes.  But a husband with anger issues doesn't count as a good husband imo.  He could be with proper therapy etc, but your priority MUST be on those children.  Not making excuses for him, not saying he hasn't hurt anyone yet.  Because he has.  It may not be physical but those emotional hurts are harder to heal from, and even little children who may not understand the actual words yet DO still get hurt from the anger behind those words, from the yelling and whatever other things he is doing in his anger (I am going to guess throwing things and slamming doors etc).  Separation does not mean forever, but it does mean that line in the sand is drawn, and he may not return to the home until the anger is under control and you know without a doubt your children can live in a home feeling safe and secure. 

Abuse is not just physical, so saying you won't put up with abuse is bull sh*t you already are.  You are allowing emotional abuse to occur in your home, either around or to your children. YOU don't get to tolerate more than most, YOU don't get to down play it because you have 2 children living in that home and one more on the way and THEY deserve better.  I don't care how trapped you feel, I've been there, hell I'm there in a different way with my own child.  It is up to you to make those children safe one way or another.  that is what a mom does.  She finds a way out, she protects her kids not just from physical abuse but verbal & emotional as well. Until you are honest with yourself about the situation you are subjecting your children to abuse plain and simple, and I could not think of anything that would make me feel worse than knowing I could have protected my children from hurt and I didn't out of my own fears. 

I know it is not easy, I would never claim that, but it is necessary. There is a hundred other not easy things I bet you can come up with that you would do for your children to protect them.  My kids like to pose "what if" questions to me to check what I would do.  Their questions are always big issues (like what if a cougar attacked us when we go hiking), the answers would never be easy things to do but I would do them in a heart beat to save my child.  I bet you would say the same thing.  You would crawl on your belly through broken glass to pull your child out of a room they were trapped in, so why is this different?  Why is it okay for them to be trapped with you in a home that is not safe? Why are you not seeing this is a do hard things moment, do painful things moment, in order to save your children?

 

I have never heard a child, once grown up ask "why did you get us out of there so soon?" But I have heard time and again from friends growing up and now that they are adults "why did mom stick around so long?" "I wish my parents would just divorce, the meanness/anger is killing me"  "I wish I wasn't even born then maybe mom could leave"  and the list goes on.  The children that grew up in those homes did not come out unscathed and all at some point classified their mothers as weak for sticking around and wish she had left the marriage sooner.  These are people who are married with kids of their own now, and that makes it worse for them.  They could not imagine being okay with that sort of life for their kids.

If anyone else ever lashed out in anger towards you or your kids (and by lashed out I am speaking verbally not physically but that is a concern too) you would not keep them in your life long.  YOu may forgive 1 time as an out of character sort of thing, but after that you would cut them out until they received ample mental help.  So why is it okay just because you married him?  Why should it be tolerated because of a peice of paper and a ring?  That's BS

[PollyOR]

Haven't read all the replies:

 

We have an anger problem here too.  Anger in men can be a sign of depression.  The answer for us was medication.

[Renee in NC]

Your posts, and reading the context, suggest a pattern of abuse. Sometimes that abuse includes physical components - but the abuse is present regardless.

 

While I want to offer you {{{{many tender hugs}}}} and congratulations, I can not support your statements above. Abuse is about power and control, and it is a choice - even in your husband's case.

He has a problem that requires treatment. The treatment for domestic abuse is specific. Marital therapy is contra-indicated here.

 

He is not safe. He won't be safe for a long time. If it were me, I'd have a list of "musts" that he needs to do, a list of "continues" that have to keep happening, and after a long-ish period of time, I'd consider dating/courting to consider a reconciliation.

 

I get you are trapped - in fact you ARE trapped. I'm hopeful you'll listen to people outside the system and not discount us by saying "we don't understand" or "we don't know him" or we are "just people on a message board." The truth is that you are in an abusive marriage. Even with help, the chances of that dynamic changing are low; they are zero without treatment and intervention.

 

OP, I am not going to give out a lot of details here, but let me assure you that I have been there.  I agree with Joanne that he has a problem that requires treatment.  Things will escalate to a point where the line gets crossed, and then it is too late to take it back.  If you want to save your marriage, insist on treatment now.  

 

I didn't, and I regret it.  My marriage might still be intact if I had.