Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

Would it be selfish of me to travel ..

Abbeygurl4

By Abbeygurl4,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

Abbeygurl4

Abbeygurl4

Posted
Posted

at Christmas? 

 

My 6 dc are aged 10 - 30. Every holiday for the past 25 years has been at my house with me doing a majority of the cooking. All my life I've wanted to travel. I'm 49 years old and two years ago I was able to go to Bali with my sister who is 20 years older than me. She and her hubby are talking about going to Africa at Christmas this year and have invited me. I can't tell you how excited I am about the possibility of going to Africa! I've spent 30 years of my life taking care of my dc and I'd like to travel while my sister and I have our health. 

 

Three of my girls are on their own and dd 23 (almost 24), ds 14 and dd10 are still at home. Well, dd 23 is having a fit. She thinks it's awful that I would even consider not being home on Christmas. Dh and the others are okay with it, but not her. 

 

Is it such a terrible thing for me to want to do something for myself? I mean, I felt bad going to Bali without my dc, I would have loved sharing that experience with them but who can afford that? My sister and I had a fabulous time after I got over the guilt of leaving my youngest and I don't regret going.

 

WWYD??

Link to comment
Share on other sites
jenn-

jenn-

Posted
Posted

Go!  Your daughter is resisting a change in traditions.  When my kids are all out of the Santa phase, I will have no problem traveling for Christmas.  There have been several years now that my goal is to survive Christmas day and then immediately afterwards we head out of town.  Last year I also shifted Christmas out of my house and back into the various grandparents' houses.  When they all come here the kids blow through presents with barely a glance at who gave it and are shoving it to the side waiting for the next.  Doing it in a more intimate setting last year had the kids paying attention and showing gratitude to the gift giver more appropriately.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Berta

Berta

Posted
Posted

I'm in a similar spot. My daughter wants to take me with her to Germany next July. It's a mission trip but also includes sightseeing things like Sleeping Beauty's castle, the Alps, Dachau and other historic sights. They are also staying IN a castle. I've talked about going on a trip like this for years. The issue is that she wants to pay for me to go. She inherited some cash and that is what she wants to do. I feel funny having her pay for a trip like this for me. 

 

I also have an 8 yr old at home. For me to go on this trip my DH would have to use his vacation time to stay home with her. I'm really torn. I want to go, but I don't want to inconvenience my family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Annie G

Annie G

Posted
Posted

I'm in a similar spot. My daughter wants to take me with her to Germany next July. It's a mission trip but also includes sightseeing things like Sleeping Beauty's castle, the Alps, Dachau and other historic sights. They are also staying IN a castle. I've talked about going on a trip like this for years. The issue is that she wants to pay for me to go. She inherited some cash and that is what she wants to do. I feel funny having her pay for a trip like this for me. 

 

I also have an 8 yr old at home. For me to go on this trip my DH would have to use his vacation time to stay home with her. I'm really torn. I want to go, but I don't want to inconvenience my family.

 

I would encourage you to go. You'll make incredible memories with your daughter and she would be thrilled to be in a position to pay your way. During the trip you can treat her to some things, too. 

 

If your dd isn't special needs, could you perhaps find  a few friends willing to host dd during the day while dh works? Or are there daycamps in your area she can attend?  Or have dh use that week to build some special memories with your 8 year old.  

 

Either way, you should go if possible- a trip of a lifetime and making memories with your daughter...worth it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Abbeygurl4

Abbeygurl4

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Berta - My oldest dd has a job that requires travel. She went to Jakarta which is near Bali. She wanted me to meet her in Bali after she finished working and she paid for my airfare. My sister ended up coming with me and we had a great time!! I felt bad letting my daughter pay for my airfare, but I'm so glad I did. My youngest was 8 at the time and dh had to take vacation days too. I had a lot of guilt about it, but looking back I have no regrets. Once I stepped off that plane I just let go of the guilt and enjoyed every second of my trip. Everyone will get over it and you and your dd will have some great memories! I say we both go for it! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Chris in VA

Chris in VA

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry, I have another opinion. I think you should stay for Christmas, but go right after.

Does Christmas fall right in the middle of the trip, or could you join them in Africa slightly late? (Or leave a day early or something to come back in time for Xmas)

 

I think my thoughts are colored by the Christmases we had to spend apart from my son--we always got to see him, but he wasn't home (he missed two because of treatment). So take it for what it's worth--2c. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bobbeym

bobbeym

Posted
Posted

Go, enjoy yourself, and plan to have Christmas when you get back. 

 

When my brother was still in the Army, we often celebrated holidays at odd times of the year. Once year we "postponed" Christmas until February when he was home on leave. I think that was the best Christmas ever because we focused on being together as a family without the crazy holiday mess that goes with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Danestress

Danestress

Posted
Posted

Go.

 

If this opportunity was offered to one of your kids, they would take that opportunity with your blessing. This is no different.

 

.

Since you are actually asking for opinions, I will honestly say that I do think its sort of different when you have a 10 year old kid. If all of you kids were adults, I would feel more inclined to go.

 

I don't think Mom's should have to be cooking, cleaning, 'magic making' martyrs at Christmas. But I would want to be present at my 10 and 14 year old's Christmas. Just another opinion. Even if the kid said he didn't care, I would care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
Posted

Since you are actually asking for opinions, I will honestly say that I do think its sort of different when you have a 10 year old kid. If all of you kids were adults, I would feel more inclined to go.

 

I don't think Mom's should have to be cooking, cleaning, 'magic making' martyrs at Christmas. But I would want to be present at my 10 and 14 year old's Christmas. Just another opinion. Even if the kid said he didn't care, I would care.

 

Not trying to argue, but I have to ask why Christmas cannot be rescheduled? I don't understand the fixation with the exact date of the 25th--I know that this is important to some, but I honestly do not understand it. It seems like the important parts of Christmas--the family fun, the meal, the presents--can happen on any day one chooses to schedule it. Also, if dad makes the actual day of Christmas special together, then really the 10-year-old has gotten two Christmases.

 

It's one thing about my husband's family I have always appreciated. My darling in-laws have always understood that there are other people and other commitments, so we schedule Christmas when we can all be together. It's not always on the exact day.

 

I guess I am arguing that no one has to miss out. Christmas can happen--with all the trimmings--on another day AND mom can go to Africa.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Danestress

Danestress

Posted
Posted

Not trying to argue, but I have to ask why Christmas cannot be rescheduled? I don't understand the fixation with the exact date of the 25th--I know that this is important to some, but I honestly do not understand it. It seems like the important parts of Christmas--the family fun, the meal, the presents--can happen on any day one chooses to schedule it.

 

Also definitely not wanting to argue, so this is just my opinion.

 

We are flexible about Christmas with extended family. No one gets the right to demand we spend that particular day with them, and we dont demand it of others. 23rd is good. 28th is good. Whatever. My oldest is married and often works holidays. Its fine. If we don't get to see some family, too bad.

 

But for me personally, there is something about the day that matters, and I would want to be with my younger kids. We were military. If dad has to miss christmas, it's vey sad, but his work is important. If Dad wanted to miss Christmas because he wanted to go on a fun trip with his brother, I would not think that is ok for us. But that is us and my opinion, and I am not saying its right for other families. If DH's brother had terminal cancer or something, I might reconsider this position.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
momto10blessings

momto10blessings

Posted
Posted

My initial thought was "go and don't look back"

 

I don't think I could do it. I'd imagine myself sitting In a hotel in Africa on Christmas morning, missing my family like crazy. I'd always think of it as the Christmas I missed. Especially if my youngest was 10.

 

Not to make you feel bad, but just my opinion. If you can go without feeling like you are missing anything at home then do it! It does sound like fun!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
AdventureMoms

AdventureMoms

Posted
Posted

I would go!  Heavens, I would go with my kids at their current ages (5 & 3).  I grew up with Christmas being scheduled on whatever nearby date was convenient (often the saturday before or after) and I'm totally fine with that.  Our Christmas isn't always on the 25th now either.  It's not a big deal. Your husband is ok with it. It also sounds like the 10 & 14 yo (the only kids I'd be seriously concerned about) are fine with it, too.  The 23yo is an adult, she can deal!

 

Have Christmas before you leave, and have your husband find some special little thing to do on the actual date.  As a PP said, it's like 2 Christmasses for the kids!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
sophiasapientia

sophiasapientia

Posted
Posted

I think it is a personal decision. If you, your DH and your younger children are OK with it that is the main thing. I wouldn't base my choice on an adult child's guilt trip. 

 
Honestly, though? I couldn't do it. Christmas traditions are huge deal to my DH and my 10 yo and, unless it was an emergency situation or there were major extenuating circumstances, the prospect of me taking a solo trip wouldn't fly in our house. I'd miss them terribly too. My only kiddo's birthday also falls over the holidays so, realistically, I'd either push for a different time for Africa or, if that wouldn't work, plan another special trip with DSis. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Joker

Joker

Posted
Posted

I've traveled twice at Christmas and both times I felt like I skipped the holiday. I was really miserable. I would never choose to do so again.

 

If you feel like it wouldn't bother you and you really believe your younger DC will be fine with it, then go. I would make really sure the youngest aren't just saying what you want to hear though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
abba12

abba12

Posted
Posted

I'd go. Alright, I wouldn't go since I have a 3 and a 1 year old, but if I had a 10 and 14 year old, I'd go. It's not like you can't have a celebration another day, you'll be able to call them, even for a few minutes, and those children even say they're fine with it. Your 23 year old is being a bit extreme, especially since, I expect, if she were the one who wouldn't be there for christmas it wouldn't be such a big deal.

 

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, you don't have little ones who can't understand, It's not as if you're saying you'll never be there for Christmas ever again, there will be another one next year. GO!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
mamajag

mamajag

Posted
Posted

I think you should go.  Plan something special for when you get back.

 

DH is gone and we've had times when we celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving on the same day and times when Christmas happened in the middle of January. It was the intention and the getting together that mattered not the date on the calendar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Garga

Garga

Posted
Posted

The trip to Africa--what are the dates? If you can have Chrsitmas at home on an alternate date, how far from Dec 25th would that alternate date be?

 

I know that others say you can celebrate "another day" but for me, it's just not real on another date. I wish I could articulate why. If it was the 23rd, I could probably handle it fine. But if you had to celebrate Christmas a full week beforer or after the real date, it wouldn't feel like Christmas to me. There's something precious to me about celebrating as an entire nation on the same say. The whole nation shuts down for Christmas. (Well, they used to. Walmart is now open for part of Christmas day, which is just awful IMHO).

 

Why is your sister and BIL going at Christmas? Do they have kids, too? How are their kids handling it? Or are their kids all out on their own?

 

I don't know whether or not I'd go in your situation. I only have 2 kids and they're 8 and just turned 11. At this point in my life, I would rather be with them on Christmas than with anyone else or anywhere else. Maybe after 30 years of parenting it's different. Also, my parents moved away when I was 21 years old and I hated being apart from them on major holidays, even though I was married. I still hate it and it's almost 20 years later.

 

I guess that's no help, but I do understand how your dd feels. You will still have to decide what is best overall, but I understand her sadness at you not being there on the actual day.

 

Oh, and the 10 yo says he's ok without you there, but I do wonder if when the day dawns and you're not there whether he'll feel bad. If you are sure to have a big to-do on an earlier date, he'll probably be ok, but if you don't celebrate Christmas together at all, or wait until later, he might wake up and feel pretty rotten. The 14 yo as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bettyandbob

bettyandbob

Posted
Posted

Opportunities to go to Africa just don't drop in your lap. Your sister is 69. She may not be traveling much longer. I think these are good reasons to go.

 

I would make a plan to be able to contact the family on Christmas Day. Talk to your sister about the itenerary and figure out how to accomplish this. I'd be most concerned about he 10 and 14 yos. Maybe your dh can come up with a special thing for them. Your 23 yo needs to just celebrate that you have a great opportunity (she will not do this until she is in her late 40s and realizes how lucky you were).  I would schedule a family get together to celebrate the holiday and family before or after the trip.

 

I'd know that when sis came up with a fab trip to the Great Barrier Reef next year during Christmas, I wouldn't go on that. Can't skip 2 years in a row. But you don't even know she would make such an offer. So, go. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Melissa in Australia

Melissa in Australia

Posted
Posted

I think it is a hard one. I don't celebrate xmas at all. so I am not commenting about that side of it.

DH goes to Canada very regularly. In fact in the last 8 years he has gone 6 times. I get to carry the load of his responsibilities look after the kids do his chores etc. while he has a great time for 5 weeks. I get very down about it. I guess I wouldn't mind so much if dh and I could go away together sometimes as well, but that is not how it works. his mother pays for him to go to Canada.  I cannot help looking at this from the side of your DH and feel sorry that he has to carry the load while you have fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ChristusG

ChristusG

Posted
Posted

I know that for my 9 year old, Christmas is still very magical. I couldn't miss that. Even at 14 I'd still want my mom there. Yes, Christmas can be done on a different day, but is your family really just going to do Dec 25th as a regular day while you are gone? Surely they will want to mark the day in some way.....and you'll miss it.

 

It's not selfish of you to want to go....I just don't think I could do it. But the actual date of something is important to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...