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Would it be selfish of me to travel ..


Abbeygurl4
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Go, Go, Go!!

 

What a gift to give your children to show them that when they grow up they can still have dreams and adventures and fun.  Just because they become a mom or a dad doesn't mean that all their other interests have to die.

 

This may be a ONCE IN A LIFETIME trip with your sister.  How can you consider not going?

 

This is a chance for the three at home and your DH to come up with some new traditions.  Maybe they can spend the holidays with one of your grown children? Or maybe they want to do something different/fun/wacky this year.  Not everyone is tied to everything being the same every single year!

 

There are people for whom creating memories and experiences for their children are their be all and end all.  And that is fine.  But there are also people who feel that the children's desires don't necessarily have to be the final determinor of what mom and dad get to do with their lives!  Don't you think if DD 23 had the chance to go on a fabulous trip with a friend and miss Xmas at home she would do it in a heartbeat?  Why should you have to sacrifice this trip?

 

Please go and send us lots of updates on the amazing things you are seeing!!

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I should have done this as a poll .... lol.

 

I think that I talked my sister and bil into coming to my house for Christmas and then leaving for Africa the day after.

 

My "age" concern is because my sister is almost 70. She's in great shape, but has little health problems creeping up on her. She just found out her cholesterol and blood pressure are high even though she is thin, exercises at least 5 days a week and eats very well. Because of our age difference I didn't really get to know her until I was in my 30's. We are like two-peas-in-a-pod now. My mom always talked about traveling but she kept waiting so long and putting it off until "later" that when "later" came her health and her mind went downhill fast and she never travelled. I don't want to end up like my mother.

 

Also, our holidays are not very tradition filled. I don't do holidays for me, I do them for my dc. The girls all help cook, but I'm still really burned out when it comes to holidays. They are usually days I just want to hurry and get through. I'm very ADD so holidays are filled with stress and my back and neck end up in painful knots.

But YAY for me! I added more stress to Christmas by having two more people here.  :hurray:  But now I won't have to choose where to spend Christmas, and I can recover from my neck and back pain in AFRICA!

 

Thanks for all your input. I appreciated it all, even the stay home opinions. I think wanted to know if my 23 year old dd had any right to lay a guilt trip on me. If she would have said "hey mom, I'll really miss you and I wish you'd wait until after Christmas" instead of "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU ARE SO SELFISH! AND WHY DO YOU and DD 10 have to go to Chicago to see your sister every couple of months and now you want to go to AFRICA at CHRISTMAS?" it would be a different story. If it weren't for dd 10 I wouldn't have too many qualms about being gone at Christmas. Actually, I feel bad about not being able to bring her PERIOD, regardless of the day. I skyped with her everyday I was in Bali. Ds 14 says he isn't leaving the country unless he's going to Japan ... lol

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Sounds like a good solution.

 

Two further thoughts:

 

--Your 23yo is being both rude and self-centered on this topic. She should not speak to you that way, ever. From what you present here, her perspective needs to widen. You may be the mommy, but you are also an adult, a person with hopes and dreams just like her. She needs to understand who you are separate from being mommy.

Edited to add--She also needs to understand that she is an adult, and cannot make claims on you as the mommy as if she were a much younger child. It is normal and natural that your relationships as a family evolve over time, and the children grow into a position of contributing fully to the family work as well as traditions.

 

--I would gently suggest that you delegate more of the work or scale back just a little on the holidays (or both). I don't understand why moms end up being the Christmas slaves, but it's not right for everyone to have fun at your expense like that. I know that you love to give to them, and I know they are accepting it without thinking through the implications, so I am not in any way trying to imply that they are being mean to you. However, it does boil down to everyone else having fun at your expense. It would be healthier for ALL if all pitched in more equally.

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Is that really what your 23 yo said to you? I think I'd smack my 23 yo son if he said anything like that to me!

 

Yes, she did and that's what really irked me. She's an education major in her senior year and for some reason she's taken it upon herself to tell me what I should and shouldn't do lately. I did tell her that what I do is not her business and to keep her judgements to herself.

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I'd have a hard time leaving my family over Christmas. It's just a very special time for our family... any other day I'd skip off quite easily! Twice we have traveled TOGETHER as a family over Christmas, once on Christmas Eve and once on Christmas Day, and that was exciting to do together.

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Sounds like a good solution.

 

 

--I would gently suggest that you delegate more of the work or scale back just a little on the holidays (or both). I don't understand why moms end up being the Christmas slaves, but it's not right for everyone to have fun at your expense like that. I know that you love to give to them, and I know they are accepting it without thinking through the implications, so I am not in any way trying to imply that they are being mean to you. However, it does boil down to everyone else having fun at your expense. It would be healthier for ALL if all pitched in more equally.

 

Dd-30 helps a lot, but she lives and works 3 hours away. If she can come home a few days before a holiday she does a lot of the cooking and baking with me. Dd #2 works and is a single mom so I just ask her to bring a dish. Dd #3 used to help but she moved 2 hours away. Dd #4 is a full time college student and works - she helps clean some, but she is usually pretty busy. Youngest dd helps some. Ds - forget it - long story - 

 

I need to lower my standards, start cleaning earlier and plan/shop/cook earlier. Seems simple but I can't seem to do it. Somebody gets sick, a pet pukes all over the carpet, a paycheck is late so groceries aren't purchased early, ADD daughter locks herself out of the car, etc .... all it takes is one thing to just throw me off my schedule and I'm back to stress and panic. Every holiday like clockwork. 

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