What would you do?

[readinmom]

Sorry!  I feel your situation completely.  This is me in my dh's family.  I no longer go to family functions; he takes the kids.  It got to this point because:

 

a.  when dh finally said something about them misspelling my name, they said it was my fault;  I spelled it wrong.

 

b.  they hung an enormous family picture of the "favored ones" in their house;  we were given a box with all of our pictures in it.  "Here, I thought you might want these back." 

 

:cursing:

[mom2scouts]

NO! NO! I can think of a few things you might want to call your sister-in-law (besides bil's wife), but none of them should be posted on a public message board. I'm so sorry that your relatives treat you that way. Asking you to change your name because of a new family member is just unbelievable.

[gardenmom5]

good night.  :svengo:

 

I absolutely would tell them no I am not changing my name.  this sounds like a very nasty and dysfunctional family, and it has nothing to do with it being patriarchal.  I came from a matriarchal family that was similar.  (my grandmother was the overbearing tyrant.).

 

I also married into a family where we have some duplicate/very-similar names.  no one's name has been changed, we can usually tell who is being talked about by the context, or who is doing the speaking.  It has led to chuckles when my sil calls me and starts talking about her granddaughter because she thinks she dialed her dil.

 

the next time the suggestion is made, I would again refuse to change my name.  kudos to your dh for refusing to acquiesce to what was an offensive suggestion. 

 

what your fil is suggesting is very disrespectful.  I wonder you have as much contact with these people as they do as it seems they are making overt efforts to disrespect you.

[BrookValley.]

Life is too short to deal with idiots like this. I don't believe in putting up with more crap then necessary just because someone is family; I would tell them to take a leap and cut ties. The name thing is utterly ridiculous (I'm Italian; EVERYone in my family is one of two names, depending on if you're male or female. You can probably guess the two names! lol). However, your post about your children being adopted leaves me to assume these people are scum that don't deserve to have your family in their lives. I would walk away and never look back, no guilt.

[J-rap]

No, I wouldn't change my name. And, I think it's a good thing that you're their least favorite daughter-in-law, because they sound a little nuts!

[Ann]

I wouldn't change my name. My mom's sister and sister-in-law share the same name and we were always able to figure out who we were talking about. Also my sister and sister-in-law share the same first and for awhile the same last name. The only time that caused a problem was when my sister-in-law changed her name on Facebook to her married name and many of my sister's friends tried to friend her since they thought it was her.

[Myeightkiddies]

 

 

We moved away from the family hometown two years ago. We live 300 miles away from the rest of them now. 

 

Not far enough!

 

Most everyone has said things that I was thinking, so I have little to add.  I have little tolerance for toxic people.  I know your children enjoy going to the family events.  If you surround them with people who love them and respect you, it will be so much better for them than having them see you treated like a doormat.

 

I feel for you.  It's a cruddy situation.   :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

Wow.

 

Your in-laws..... :huh:  :huh:  :huh:

 

Thank goodness you've moved away. I'd start practicing now for the next family gathering,if you decide to go: "Actually, I still prefer to be called Mango. Thanks!" with a smile. Don't answer to whatever they decide to name you, just smile and repeat.

 

Cat, shaking my head and wondering what is wrong with people?!?!?!

[gardenmom5]

Oh for crying our loud. How pathetic. In my husband's family there are 4 brothers and 1 sister. The sister's name is Christine. These are the names of the 4 sisters-in-law: Christa, Kristin, Kristen and Judy. We don't get mixed up. That's just a pathetic excuse to put you down. Don't give in. Keep your name.

 

Now I have "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong, can you guess which one is not like the other, before I finish this song." going through my head. 

I think your dh needs to respond the next volley with something like, "My word! What a horribly offensive suggestion! I would never dream of being so rude and disrespectful to her. My wife has gone by Mango Smith for the last 20 years. Sally has to change her name anyway, from Sally Jones to Sally Smith, why can't she just change to Sally Ann Smith, and we can call her Sally Ann?" Perhaps the IL's just aren't thinking about how rude their idea is and need someone they respect to point out to them that they have really crossed the line with this one.

 

 

 

I agree the inlaws probably don't realize how rude they are.  I also think they don't give a hoot and will be offensive even if it is pointed out.  (and possibly more offensive in their efforts to justify their behavior.

 

 

 

 

My dh was named after his grandfather. Everyone called him Jamie and his grandfather James until he was about 25 when granddad told the family that dh was grown and was too old to be called Jamie. The family just called him James and his grandfather James until granddad passed. Now our youngest ds is James. In a situation where someone may get confused we call the baby JD and dh James but for daily life they are just both James. It isn't that hard to figure out who people are talking about based on context.

I've a friend who is Scottish on her father's side.  she said in Scotland Jamie is very masculine, and she associated it with men who throw poles.  she named her son Jamie.

 

 

OP - I too think they don't think of your transracial children as grandchildren and subjecting your children to these people who are supposed to be f.a.m.i.l.y. is not healthy for their mental/emotional development and sense of self.  having them watch your il's treat you with such disrespect is not healthy either.  My mother was a doormat to her own mother.  It didn't do much for my respect for her when I was a child/teen.

 

I would cut contact with these people, and maybe, if I was feeling generous, send birthday cards and Christmas cards with short and scintillating tidbits of family news and nothing else.  that would continue until they were ready to be far more respectful than they are now.  if they throw a tantrum - they can have a time-out just like any other toddler.

[Rebel Yell]

Sorry!  I feel your situation completely.  This is me in my dh's family.  I no longer go to family functions; he takes the kids.  It got to this point because:

 

a.  when dh finally said something about them misspelling my name, they said it was my fault;  I spelled it wrong.

 

b.  they hung an enormous family picture of the "favored ones" in their house;  we were given a box with all of our pictures in it.  "Here, I thought you might want these back." 

 

:cursing:

 

:grouphug: :svengo: :blink:

 

Oh my goodness. NOT saying you *should* do this, but if that was my in-laws (and it's actually pretty close) my kids would not set foot in that house or anywhere near those relatives, and I would hope that DH would only go near them for their funerals, if that. :angry:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: :svengo: :blink:

 

Oh my goodness. NOT saying you *should* do this, but if that was my in-laws (and it's actually pretty close) my kids would not set foot in that house or anywhere near those relatives, and I would hope that DH would only go near them for their funerals, if that. :angry:

the wake.  ;)

[BigMamaBird]

No I would not change my name and no you are not being unreasonable.

 

Also, I would discuss beforehand with Dh how he is going to respond when they DO try to call you something else at the next get together because I'll put money on them trying something.

[Harriet Vane]

Just joining in with the general outrage. No it's not a reasonable request, and no you shouldn't change your name.

[Scarlett]

Just want to add that no way I would change my name! Good grief. My nickname that my family uses for me is the same as my dh's ex wife.....no one is going to stop using a name I've been called for 48 years because it is the same as his xw!

[Scarlett]

A cousin of mine had 2 wives both named Shannon. We still refer to them as Shannon one and Shannon two.

[MomatHWTK]

I'd probably tell them they can call me whatever they want, but I answer to my name.   Your DH did stand up for you, IMO.  Twice a year of ick is hard, but sometimes we have to keep trying just to help our spouses deal with the dysfunction.  It is hard to pull away from family completely.  Though distance is nice. ;)

[lynn]

now it's one thing if you two came into the family  with the same names  a couple years apart but being that you have been in the family over 20 years....  Well, they just have to figure out now won't they.   

[HRAAB]

No way in h*ll would I change my name.  Good for your dh standing up for you.  My dh comes from a huge family.  There are name duplications; hardly avoidable with that many people.  No one has ever suggested that someone change their name.  It would be unthinkable.  Wed have developed ways to distinguish between - say the 3 Mikes or 2 Heathers.  Anyway, depending on context you usually know who they're talking about.

 

If dh didn't mind, I think I might start missing those family gatherings.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Sometimes family isn't worth the effort. It is acceptable to separate yourself from toxic family.  Especially if you have tried for 20 years.

[ChristyB in TN]

Your husband is a keeper, ignore the rest of them. I wouldn't do a thing but constantly remind myself to never take anything they do personally. It is a waste of energy to try and change them, change their past actions toward you, or remain angry or hurt. Since your sweet husband is on board and you don't have to look at these people all the time just shrug it off and move on. Life is too long to take things to heart when you don't have to. :)

On the lighter side, tell your husband to tell them you WERE going to change your name but now that you have this cutie sister in law you have decided to KEEP the name and change your middle name to match the other sweetie Sister in law to connect you all as sisters FOREVER! Then call the sisters in law and see if it is okay to put an announcement in the local papers? Announcing your sisterhood....and all. Maybe send them matching dress patterns to sew so you can all dress alike at the next biannual family gathering? : D maybe jumpers!!!!! You do homeschool, right? ;)

[Trish]

 

 

It sounds to me like the bridges have already burned and fallen into the moat, if there ever were any in the beginning. So I wouldn't worry about speaking my mind calmly, factually, and quite bluntly.

 Nice visual, "falling into the moat..." heh!

 

Time to buy the new gal a "Thing 2" shirt for the holidays. Seems to me the "latest" person into the family should be the one to "change names" if they feel too challenged to distinguish.

 

What a really, really bizarre request!

 

BTW, I wouldn't let them change it for you, either. If they start calling you some other new name that they've agreed upon, I would certainly assign each of them their own new names, I believe Turd Nugget is one of the prevailing favorites from a few months back...

[marbel]

Just want to add that no way I would change my name! Good grief. My nickname that my family uses for me is the same as my dh's ex wife.....no one is going to stop using a name I've been called for 48 years because it is the same as his xw!

 

I'd forgotten that my husband's first wife and I have the same first name.  But she went by a nickname so it wasn't quite the same.  We also had the same birthday (month and day, but not year).    We joke that he just messed up and married the wrong Margaret the first time.

 

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm 40. Half the people I know are named Jennifer, and we manage to get by.

[*Lulu*]

Oh my, just had a perfect idea!

 

Tell them you will absolutely change names. In fact, it is such a great idea you think ALL the DiL's should get new ones.

 

You will now answer to "Queen Mango"

 

Old SIL will now be known as "Turd Nugget"

 

New SIL will get a choice of "Turd Nugget in training" or "the DIL formerly known as Mango"

 

Pass out cute t-shirts to commemorate the occasion!

 

:P

[Renthead Mommy]

You only see them twice a year correct?  

 

I am sure that you still come up in conversation throughout the year.  Especially if they don't like you, or are bothered by you and husband's decisions, actions, children, whatever.  You most certainly come up in conversation. 

 

Perpare your self that no matter what you say, they WILL give you some sort of nickname/new name.  It will be how "they" seperate the two of you in conversation.  And they will do it.  They won't care what you think, you aren't there, and the the new one is. 

 

My best suggestion is to play dumb.  Say YOUR name is Susan, and they want to change it to Suzy. If they call on the phone, even if you have caller ID and know it's them, and they say "Hi Suzy! Just calling to see how XYZ is."  Simply say "I'm sorry you must have the wrong number, there is no one here named Suzy."

 

When they are talking to your husband and they refer to you as Suzy, he needs to say "Wait?  Who are you talking about?  Who is Suzy?"  When they say "duh, your wife" (because again, they are trying to push their agenda)  My wife's name is Susan, not Suzy.  

 

Same thing with you on your biannual trip.  When some is calling you over, and they and they are hollering "Hey Suzy", even if you know they mean you, completely ignore them.  When they get your attention simply say "Sorry, did you want me?  I though you were looking for someone named Suzy."

 

If they say it your face simply say "That is not my name.  Please call me Susan."   When they give you their big speech about how THEY decided they changed your name (again in all those conversations that go on the rest of the year).  Simply say, "Well that is not my name.  I don't go by that."  If you need to lighten the moment, you could even say "Sorry, the only person that gets to decide my name was my mother, and she picked Susan 45 years ago.  We were are staying with that."

 

Rinse and repeat.  Don't respond to Suzy.  Don't allow them to make the decision for you.

[Truscifi]

Um.  No.  That would be crazy.  :huh:

 

 

 

 

And that is exactly what I would say every time they brought it up.

[OnTheBrink]

How dehumanizing. I had to deal with crazy IL's, too, so I feel your pain. No one ever asked me to change my name, though. 

 

You should make the new DIL a shirt with some bizarre symbol and tell her it's HER new name: The DIL Formerly Known as Mango. *heehee

[ChristyB in TN]

Oh! I know! Tell them you are changing your name to your other sister in law's name! Or your father in law's name. Is it something fantastic like Herb? Earl! Perfect.

[OrganicAnn]

 

BTW, I wouldn't let them change it for you, either. If they start calling you some other new name that they've agreed upon, I would certainly assign each of them their own new names, I believe Turd Nugget is one of the prevailing favorites from a few months back...

 

LOL!

 

 

My thought was if FIL asks again for you to change your name, tell them you might consider changing it to your MIL's name but only if you can pick your MIL's new name.    Turd Nugget

[BigMamaBird]

I'm 40. Half the people I know are named Jennifer, and we manage to get by.

 

Seriously! 

 

Half my friends at Co-op are some variation of Jennifer each of them have a strongly preferred variant and I don't find it particularly hard to remember who wants to be Jennifer, Jenny or Jen.  It's basic respect.

[texasmama]

I'm 40. Half the people I know are named Jennifer, and we manage to get by.

both ladies in the office next to me at work are Jennifer. We call them Jennifer and other Jennifer. :D

 

When I was growing up, my mother's small family had six males- two Bobs, three Bills and a Mike. Then I married a Bob so there were three Bobs. No one was asked to change their name.

 

What a piece of work your dh's family is!

[FaithManor]

OH HEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeLL NO!!!!!

I can honestly say after reading all of the information provided that I would draft an obituary
entitled."Death of a relationship ", and send it to them thus explaining the permanent break up of
familial bonds.

Seriously life is to short for this crap. I would not want my children to know these nutters.

Just wow!

[happypamama]

The idea of you changing your name to avoid confusion with the new DIL is so absurd that I'm almost laughing! I *would* laugh, but I'm appalled.

 

My FIL has a son (my DH), and my FIL's brother has two sons (DH's first cousins). DH has the same first and last name as his uncle, and one of his cousins has the same first and last name as my FIL. At one point, all four of them worked at the same (not huge) company. Guess what? They all figured it out just fine! They used a middle initial/name along with the first name, or a full name vs. a shortened form, or whatever. I agree with the PP who said the only distinction needed is "Bill's Mango or Bob's Mango."

[Word Nerd]

Start singing this if they call you anything except your name. :)

 

 

[Mrs Mungo]

I love The Ting Tings!!

[Elfknitter.#]

NFW!

How hard can it be to just clarify who you're talking about?!

In Irish families, half of us are Mary and the other half are Patrick and we all communicate just fine!

What does NFW mean?

 

If you agree to change your name now. Next time they'll be asking for your divorce.

My Hubby says 'your husband needs to grow up, change his underoos for boxers and cut the cord. '

That's a bit of a jump. While I agree standing ground is need, I doubt they'll be "asking for" a divorce. And why would they? Only her dh has that option.

 

I think your dh responded perfectly. Unfortunately, this will be a dead horse, I'm afraid, until they see that you won't budge.

[Hannah]

And my DH wonders why I still read this board after 10 years - because else I'd miss posts like these!  

 

Wow, just wow!  I cannot believe the audacity!

Another one to add to the, "At least your family is not THAT bad" list.

 

 

[bettyandbob]

What does NFW mean?

 

I assumed it meant: no f.....g way.

 

Maybe I am around more colorful language than other posters and it means something else.

[freeindeed]

Absolutely wouldn't change my name. And good for your hubby for standing his ground.

[mamakelly]

I share the same first name of my uncles wife. They just call her Aunt Kelly, at family things we are both at. It works fine. No way would I change my name!

[Truscifi]

I assumed it meant: no f.....g way.

 

Maybe I am around more colorful language than other posters and it means something else.

 

This was my assumption as well.   Though I'm quite certain I'm around more colorful language than some of the other posters here. 

[Trish]

Oh! I know! Tell them you are changing your name to your other sister in law's name! Or your father in law's name. Is it something fantastic like Herb? Earl! Perfect.

 

My first big laugh of the morning, thanks!

 

:laugh:

[bolt.]

Sorry, are they suggesting that you "legally have your name changed" or just that they would like to assign you a nick-name?

 

I would not have my name changed legally -- that would be absurd.

 

If they want to use a nick-name without my approval, "good boundaries" say that their mouths belong to them, and they could refer to you as "teapot" if they wanted to... But it doesn't mean that you won't be offended by it, and it doesn't mean that you will answer to it, and it certianly doesn't mean that your DH is "supposed to" follow suit.

 

If you are offended at their presumption (I would be!) get used to a monotone and repetative delivery of the statement, "I prefer (Susan)." With direct eye contact (not a glare) and a significant conversational pause afterwards. DH should also practice, "My wife prefers to be called (Susan)." -- using the same manner, tone and repetitive feeling. (I think elaboration invites conversation.)

 

On the other hand, lots of families enjoy nick-names, and this is not "automatically offensive" in every family (to *suggest* nick naming in cases if duplicate names). For twice a year, some women would consider not fighting this battle -- especially if she wanted the 'Junior Susan' to feel as welcome as possible. Junior Susan might have some very insecure feelings as a family newcomer having to 'fight over her name' (not recognizing that its actually a fight over IL presumption-to-authority, and general favoritism).

[Tammyla]

No way, I wouldn't change my name, nickname or anything else for a couple of donkey-butts.

 

 

 

[Mango]

Maybe, just maybe I should say that DH has decided to eliminate the confusion by changing our last name to my maiden name.  :lol:

 

That should really mess with the whole patriarchal theme. 

[gardenmom5]

Maybe, just maybe I should say that DH has decided to eliminate the confusion by changing our last name to my maiden name.  :lol:

 

That should really mess with the whole patriarchal theme. 

I like the suggestions, but honestly think it has nothing to do with being patriarchal except that your fil is the tyrant.  my grandmother was very much a tyrannical matriarch who verbally bullied my grandfather. (and boys were what she wanted, and could do no wrong.  and my brother has married two women, just. like. her.  very messy divorces too.)

[jelbe5]

Oh. My. Goodness.

 

I cannot believe some of the things I read here about family relations. I DO believe them but some things, such as this, are just so bizzare!

 

How offensive and incredibly rude! If some asked me to do something like that I would say so after I got over my initial shock.

 

Kudos to your dh!

[Mango]

Ugh. Hopefully writing this down will let me finally go to be and get some sleep. That and I can't find anything else to clean. Hopefully writing it the ticket. Don't quote me I'll probably delete in the morning. 

 

My FIL called today. Yup he asked DH again if I would change my name. My name is quite common. I've never been called by my birth name, its very much like Jennifer. For much of my childhood and into my teen years, when I met DH, I was either called Jen or Jenny depending on which name they'd heard my folks using first.  DH's family called me Jenny.

 

My family, notorious for nicknames, stopped using Jenny and switched to Jen about the time I started bringing babies home. Maybe it's because I'm all grown up and Jenny was more grown up? :)) We spent a lot of our time here vacationing with family before we moved and DH stopped using Jenny too. 

 

So about 5 years ago, when we started seriously discussing moving by my family we (DH & I)  stopped using Jenny altogether. DH's family finally made the change too. 

 

FIL wants me to go back to being Jenny. DH told him, "No, she's Jen. Don't call her Jenny. She's not Jenny." 

 

Does this change your opinion? And now you probably guessed that my children's names aren't not conducive to nicknames of alternate names. :)) Hmmmmmmm......... 

 

I know FIL is eventually going to bring it up to me.  I know that I can't have an unemotional conversation about this with anyone. But to be emotional is to be wrong, no matter if you're right. Lose your emotions, lose your credibility. And I'm not talking about being crazy emotional. Just a little teary eyed, or speaking faster, or flushed cheeks and the conversation is done per my in-laws. I have my conversation points all laid out.

1. Do you remember having a conversation about this with DH twice before? (DH think his dad might be having memory loss. First time DH's mentioned it to me. DH was surprised FIL brought it up again.)

 

2. It's Jen, not Jenny.

 

3. Do you realize how your request sounds to me? 

 

These people are some of the nicest people you would ever meet. You'd never ever hear them get angry, raise their voice, or lose their cool. They're level headed and very professional. DH wants me to forgetaboutit. But I can't. The ways in which I've disappointed them in the past are completely out of my control. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

[Mom in High Heels]

 

 

These people are some of the nicest people you would ever meet. You'd never ever hear them get angry, raise their voice, or lose their cool. They're level headed and very professional. DH wants me to forgetaboutit. But I can't. The ways in which I've disappointed them in the past are completely out of my control. 

 

 

I'm only quoting a wee bit.  Let's look at the statement in the blue first, shall we?  How can anyone who would ask a DIL of 20 freaking years to change her name to accommodate a GDIL of a few weeks/months, be the nicest people you'd ever want to meet?  They sound rude, self-absorbed and controlling.  That's not nice.

 

Now, let's look at the part in the green.  Just because no one ever hears some one get angry or lose their cool and act level headed and professional all the time, does not make someone nice.  It sounds like they are rather robotic.  Also, I don't trust anyone who never loses their cool.  Everyone gets mad.  Everyone.

 

Moving on to the purple.  I can see both sides of this.  If they let it drop, and not insist you change your name, I'd let it go.  If the don't, no way would I fagetaboudit.  

 

Finally, the red.  You are clearly carrying a lot of guilt around and giving these people more control over your life than they already seem to think they have.  If they are for any reason disappointed in you, that's their problem, not yours.  Who cares?  This, you need to let go.   If they actually ever tell you that they are disappointed in your for X reason, you can tell them that you're disappointed they didn't learn better manners, and are extremely thankful that your dh turned out as well as he did being raised by people like them.  Or you can tell them to suck it, which is the route I would go with.

[bettyandbob]

These people are not nice people. Maybe, they keep appearances well to outsiders, but no way are they actually nice people.

 

You've dissappointed them. How? Are you from the wrong side of town? Did the deem your education inadequate? You dot send your dc to the "right" school ? You haven't adequately become "one of them"?

 

does dh work in the family business or have financial ties with them. Are you somehow seen as the reason dh doesn't work in the family business.

 

At this point, if anyone in your family is going to keep up a relationship, it should be your dh ONLY. You may not realize it, but being around them and witnessing their treatment of you is affecting your dc in a very bad way. So, when there are family events do not send dc with your dh.