How often do you feel....(a short series of questions)

[Pamela H in Texas]

This question is NOT in regards to homeschooling though, obviously, as homeschool parents, it may be one of the areas we feel it also.

 

I think I do some things really really well. And I have evidence that I do certain other things well despite the fact that I feel I'm not doing enough. Then there are other things that simply aren't up to par IMO regardless of what anyone else thinks and others still that others would agree it would be ideal if I could step it up. Part of me thinks I'm just being too hard on myself though as I have it together more than some people. The other part of me *really* wishes X was done, Y was kept up, and Z was happening on a regular basis! I think one huge part of the problem is that everyone thinks I'm SuperMom, praises me, says they'll use my ideas "one day," etc. I feel like a fraud. I do try to hold on to what all is going really well. It just seems the good gets drowned out by the lacking.

 

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol

 

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

[ktgrok]

Um...always? Seriously....always. I just don't let it determine my mood, etc as much as possible. Yup, I should clean more (trust me...I REALLY should clean more), should play more with the kids, should exercise more, etc etc. But you know what....I'm a person, and I'm ok and good just as I am, even with a messy house. So...yeah, I feel totally overwhelmed but I don't let it determine my self worth. And I try to laugh about it as much as possible.

 

One thing that helps is to remember that all moms go through this, at least some. My friend, who always seems so cute and put together, and says the funny thing at the right time, has 5 gorgeous kids that always look adorable, volunteers at school, gets them to church every sunday, cooks amazing meals, etc told me a story. One day she was trying to get the kids in the car for school, and it was not going well. She finally herds everyone out to the driveway and realized her oldest, (10 at the time), the one that almost always is on the ball, never gives her trouble, is barefoot. And she LOSES it. She said, and I quote, "Evan, where are your motherf*#king SHOES?!?!?!?!!!?!?!? Mind you...southern woman, does NOT swear in front of the kids, etc. And in the middle of the street, in front of the whole neighborhood, and her toddlers and preschoolers, is SCREAMING an obsecenity at her kid. She said her poor son was totally shell shocked, lol. So whenever I feel overwhelmed I picture this pretty southern lady screaming "motherf*#king shoes" at a kid in her yard, and it makes me feel better :)

 

Oh, and I found out when her kids were littles her car was a toxic waste site practically. They do a lot of driving and she said she would just toss back goldfish, pretzels, whatever kept them from crying. Her exact description was, "if the apocolypse came I knew my family could subsist on the food on the floor of my car for a good two weeks." (a mutual friend was nodding behind her vigorously...it was NOT an exaggeration I guess). So yeah....misery loves company? I know my van, although a mess by my standards, can't support a family of 5 for 2 weeks, so I must be doing ok?

 

Hope some of this helps :)

[marbel]

I think I do some things really really well. And I have evidence that I do certain other things well despite the fact that I feel I'm not doing enough. Then there are other things that simply aren't up to par IMO regardless of what anyone else thinks and others still that others would agree it would be ideal if I could step it up. Part of me thinks I'm just being too hard on myself though as I have it together more than some people. The other part of me *really* wishes X was done, Y was kept up, and Z was happening on a regular basis! I think one huge part of the problem is that everyone thinks I'm SuperMom, praises me, says they'll use my ideas "one day," etc. I feel like a fraud. I do try to hold on to what all is going really well. It just seems the good gets drowned out by the lacking.

 

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol

 

Only way I've found is to let it go, don't compare yourself with others, don't try to live up to others' standards. I work within my own family's standards.

 

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

Always. Pretty much always.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

Looking at my messy kitchen, looking at the unused math books, looking at the pile of laundry... Sites like this, or blogs, in which I read about someone else's family that seems to be doing so much better than mine... Talking to/reading about homeschooling moms whose kids never argue, never struggle academically, are Eagle Scouts by 15 or getting scouted by art school at 16... any number of things!

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Some people think I'm supermom; some think I'm a complete slacker/loser. It depends on their point of view and really has little to do with me.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

I think there are some people who handle life better than I do, and some who don't. I don't try to justify it. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Our families are different. We have different resources (financial, family, spiritual, health, energy level...). I work on myself and try not to worry about other people, except perhaps in using someone as a good role model.

 

 

Interesting questions! Looking forward to responses.

[SailorMom]

All..... the......time.

I've learned to accept it as normal and not let it bother me (as much) anymore.

I like the saying "fake it 'till you make it'. Seems to work well, lol!

 

[fairfarmhand]

This question is NOT in regards to homeschooling though, obviously, as homeschool parents, it may be one of the areas we feel it also.

 

I think I do some things really really well. And I have evidence that I do certain other things well despite the fact that I feel I'm not doing enough. Then there are other things that simply aren't up to par IMO regardless of what anyone else thinks and others still that others would agree it would be ideal if I could step it up. Part of me thinks I'm just being too hard on myself though as I have it together more than some people. The other part of me *really* wishes X was done, Y was kept up, and Z was happening on a regular basis! I think one huge part of the problem is that everyone thinks I'm SuperMom, praises me, says they'll use my ideas "one day," etc. I feel like a fraud. I do try to hold on to what all is going really well. It just seems the good gets drowned out by the lacking.

 

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol

 

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

Not very often any more, although in the past I struggled with this tremendously.

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling?I wanted to "be the best" at everything. Very competitive. very driven. Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? I wore myself out trying to get everything done, but I seldom did it all well. Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

One thing that helps me now is that I don't have littles. Another thing was my dh's advice to only add extras to our lives that I enjoyed. To not do extras out of a sense of guilt or obligation. So I don't teach Sunday School. I only do the farm work that I really love or really adds to our lives. Most of my previous to do list was filled with stuff that I felt like I ought to do, but didn't enjoy very much because I figured I ought to, I also learned to accept my limitations. I can't do everything and do it all well. My dh also advised me to limit my extras to 2-3 things that I could do well, rather than 5-6 things that I was barely managing. I've also learned that I don't really need media telling me that I need to look a certain way, fill my life with this and that...etc. I am so much more comfortable with who I am and where I am in life. That was always a struggle for me, and I had to cut TV and computer time back significantly because I made unhealthy comparisons when I was overusing it.

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Lots of people think I am Super mom, but they don't see all the things that I don't do. We do significant farm work, but we don't leave the house for lots of extras either. I homeschool, work the farm, cook and clean house. That's it. Most of my commitments can be done from home. I've also streamlined my household routines so that housekeeping is easier. I have older kids who help with farm work and housework. When people say these things I just laugh and say, well, don't go looking too closely at my house, because you will be disappointed! I don't feel any pressure to live up to their expectations because I know that I am a mess.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you? I feel like I am doing okay. I avoid comparisons at all costs, though, because they lead to discontent or pride in my heart. I've learned to realize that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. I may not have time to do all that I would like to do, but I do okay and my family is happy. That's good enough for me.

 

HTH

[Arcadia]

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

I'm a Type A perfectionist so I would say to me it is a mindset issue and since I am a perfectionist, living up to my own standards is bad enough without caring what others think.

I do have a list of what I need to get done, and what would be nice to get done, so that I don't get burn out wanting everything (kind of like a reality check)

I want to enjoy life too so I have learn before marriage to cut myself a little slack. Hubby is much less of a perfectionist and more of a Type B so thank goodness.

[MommaOfalotta]

This question is NOT in regards to homeschooling though, obviously, as homeschool parents, it may be one of the areas we feel it also.

 

 

 

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc? All day, every single day.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else? Ive actually been wondering if its not some sort of underlying anxiety issue or ADD. For me, its like chaos/noise in my head all day. I feel completely overwhelmed with all that I need to do, and yet that feeling is keeping me from actually getting anything done. No matter how good my intentions, most days I realize I didnt do something that really *needed* to be done. Fighting the procrastination when Im able has helped loads.

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)? Im not sure how people see me. Ive been told "Your such a great mom!" Or as far as homeschooling, "I wish I could do that/be like you, etc" But I feel like everyone sees me as scatter brained, airheaded, forgetful, and unorganized.. which is how I see myself.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you? Wow, hit the nail on the head here. I definitely feel like most (not everyone) but most people are more organized. My best friend for example is totally opposite me. She is high strung and highly organized.. her house is spotless and she remembers everything. I feel like I am striving to be more organized and productive (like people like her) but I feel overwhelmed and yes, I feel like there is something wrong with me (see my second answer :) )

 

 

I feel overwhelming chaos when things start to get stressful or busy. I need calm and quiet to function. Who knows, but seeing your post makes me feel better. Maybe this is more normal than I thought? :) Everyone always seem to have their stuff together so much more than me!

 

ETA: I think my main problem is... I am way too laid back. Im a procrastinator. I dont like being busy, stressed, or overwhelmed. I like things to go smoothly and peacefully and honestly, I dont get ruffled up about enough. (I know my post might make me look a little insane... but I am mellow to a fault.) Although I like being this way, I often WANT to be the kind of person that is oober productive, put together and on point. I have all of these awesome ideas of how things will go, and I get so excited for our wonderful, relaxed, upcoming school year.. and then we end up having chaotic days and I feel defeated.

 

The battle in my mind just needs to stop, and I need to lower my expectations or develop a more organized approach. But the bottom line is, I need to stop comparing myself to this ideal of perfection when I am human and its completely unattainable, which leaves me feeling like crap when I fall short.

 

I recently saw a quote on facebook that said something like "The reason we suffer with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone elses highlight reel." I cannot remember who said this, but it has stuck with me.

[jhschool]

Sure--but I still like my life better than other people's.

 

My first floor is presentable, but the upstairs is pretty terrible. I never let

company go upstairs. The laundry pile has not shrunk below 10 loads in

about 3 months.

 

My hair hasn't been dyed in months and it looks awful. I need to lose

60 lb. I haven't read a whole book in ... I'm not saying.

 

But a lot of people think I am very together, mainly because I get a lot of

important things done. Also DS tends to do well academically, and somehow

I get credit for that. (Totally undeservedly--I hardly teach him anything any more.)

[swellmomma]

My to do list is always only X% done, it is a rare day I complete it. I join in on Jean's tackle thread daily and that has helped me get more done but I still seldom finish it. I do not think I am on top of everything by far, I just don't care. There is only so many hours in the day, and they get prioritized daily. 99% of the time the children, their activities, their schooling, preparing healthy meals for them etc takes up the bulk of the day. Which means other things, like reno projects, chores, hobbies, actually making the stuff I pin on pintrest etc get done but there is a limited amount of time to complete them. I am good with that. I am not martha stewart. I still have to do the dash and hide of mess when the doorbell rings unexpectantly. But I am content. Now somedays I get up and I think "wow it's time to get on top of all the rest" and the kids are on fed for yourself meals twice a day, and are not driven anywhere and are expected to stay out of my hair. School gets put on hold and I focus on projects or chores or whatever. And those days I am good with the fact that I didn't prepare meals for the kids 3 times a day, didn't teach, didn't take them on a fieldtrip, or drive them to a friend's place or whatever.

 

I used to try to do it all, all the time. With kids with extra issues as you know that is stressful even on the good days, the bad days were enough to drive me insane. The problem was I was letting stress slowly kill me. And I don't mean that in a figurative way. Last lat summer/early fall I was back and forth to teh dr trying to figure out why I was in constant pain, could hardly walk, constant headaches, weight packing on despite not over eating, stomach problems, skin problems, extreme fatigue (to the point of falling asleep driving). They thought I had a tumor, they mentioned perhaps the start of MS since my mom has it. They ran a whole string of tests. My adrenal glands were screwed up. They were shutting down due to long term high stress lifestyle. Something had to give.

 

Being supermom, or even attempting to be doesn't do anyone any good if they are calling you that in your eulogy. So I had to change my mindset and it wasn't easy by far. Stress still happens, I still occasionally wish I would do this, that and the other. Next year will be interesting because I have to start working again and that adds another dynamic to it all. But despite all that, I am generally good with beinig content with what I did accomplish in a day.

 

In the beginning I kept a "I did" list rather than a "to do" list. And I wrote down each thing I did in a day. At bedtime I would reflect over my list and think "wow I really accomplished a lot today" It would have the 3 meals and any snacks I made/served. school subjects taught(not just saying school). Friends I spoke to, chores done, TLC given to kids or animals. CHanged the hamster water, held the snake, pet the bunny. Each of these things is necessary each day but were not usually on my to do list. THat helped me reframe my thoughts of the ending of each day into a postive way. When I started making my to do list again I broke it down into smaller peices to make it easier to cross things off. For example the other day I had put on my to do list move tv into livingroom. SOunds simple enough right? But really I had to completely clean the livingroom, kitchen, entrance and backroom. I had to move all the furniture around in the livingroom to make space. I had to clear a safe path through the backroom, put the deacon's bench outside from the entrance to make space, clear the school shelves in the kitchen, so I could move the shelving unit. Wheel the tv through all those rooms (it is an older large tv), set up in livingroom. Put the school shelf back where it belonged, and reshelve everything I had taken off. Put the deacon's bench back to it's location at the front door and then die of exhaustion. What sounded like a quick task was really a chore that took several hours. It is discouraging to cross off 1 item when really it was a whole list of items.

 

As for if others do better, I dare them to try to do so in my family lol. Yes from outside appearances they may have it all together and get it all done. I know one like that. 5 kids, president of the elem school PTA, and the preschool parents board and the parent board at the dance school, started a nonprofit fundraising type business. Never charges groups that want to fundraise but offers free dj services, cotton candy etc blah blah blah. BUT she does not work, her husband brings home 6 figures a year so they have no financial stresses, her kids go to public school, and preschool. So most days she only has the 2 yr old at home, the other days she has the 4 & 5 year olds too. The rest are all in school all day. Not too long ago she came to me asking how I get it all done, and saying she looks at what I am doing and feels like she could never do all I do. It was an eye opening moment because I had felt teh same about her. She saw a single mom, with 4 challenging kids, homeschooling them, zooming them every which way, helping out everywhere I can, staying at the dance classes so I could better help dd practice at home (her dd7 was in dd13's class and she never stayed so she could get more done at home etc). And she couldn't figure out how I could fit so much into 1 day when she felt she got nothing done.

 

I really think it is a personal mindset. I mean we know better than to compare our kids to little johnny down the street and try to make them strong in the same areas Johnny is strong etc. So why is it okay to compare ourselves to little johnny's mom? For all we know little johnny's mom pops johnny's ritalin to keep her energy levels up high enough to get it all done.

 

The fact is you have a house of littles, some homeschooling, some in more therapies than there is hours in the day it seems. You clearly keep your home to an acceptable standard or they would not keep giving you foster kids etc. Is it up to what your personal "if the kids were older" standards? Likely not. But you really do accomplish a lot each day if you wrote all of that down I bet you would be patting yourself on the back each night and looking in the mirror saying "wow you are amazing, how did you get all that done today?"

[T'smom]

Always. Seriously, always. I never feel like I have it together. I don't really compress myself to other people, it's my own standards that I fail miserably to meet. Pinterest and other people's blogs are actually inspiring to me. The more overwhelmed I get, the less I accomplish, the more overwhelmed I get, the less I accomplish and it's a horrible cycle that I can't jolt myself out of. My standards/goals are not unreasonable. It's not that I'm striving for something unrealistic.

[Rosie_0801]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

Not infrequently.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

Firstly, reality. I am very clearly not on top of everything. :p Secondly, I need more sleep. Thirdly, I'm lonely and that is not good for morale.

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

When I don't feel that way, it's because I'm remember that I'm only human and that is all I'm meant to be. Sure, we can be better or worse, depending on how much sleep we've had, what the weather is like etc, but that's part of being human too. Christians call it being a sinner, but I think that is inelegant phrasing.

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Some people think I'm better than I think I am, some people think I'm worse than I know I am. A pox on the latter kind. :D

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do?

 

No, not really. I developed a theory of reincarnation to explain the ones who are. I don't believe it, but it brings me comfort. :lol:

 

If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

 

That depends very much on morale at the time. :p The feeling that there is something wrong with me has become a lot less frequent in the past 11 months. A lot of this depends who you hang out with, I think...

[texasmama]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

I feel that way fairly often.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

I work 20 hours a week, which contributes a lot to this feeling. I do not have paid vacation so no workee-no payee. I have not taken time off of my job in a year. I just can't do it all. There are not enough hours in the day. Some things I am just not great at. I do not so much feel "behind" as overwhelmed. I had a mini-meltdown today and, on the advice of my best friend and husband, ditched much of the school we are doing this summer. I need a break. I am a cranky mama. :(

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Other people in my life give me the feedback that I am amazing, a supermom! I do think that I am a very capable person managing a lot of plates in the air without dropping them, but things do get dropped, mostly in self-care...and doesn't that count for something? I don't feel like a fraud because I am genuinely good at some of these things and doing a good job with many of them, but there is a price for all of it. My time, energy, knowledge and patience are all finite. Sometimes they all run out at once, like this week.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

I don't think that most people handle life better than I do. I don't think there is something wrong with me. I think I am trying to do too much with too little much of the time. Everyone gets assigned a life. This one is mine. I don't know what other people are facing, and they don't know what I am facing. I try not to compare. I wish I was rich. There, I said it. Otherwise, I can adequately handle what is on my plate pretty well most of the time.

[Starr]

I've always felt like I was behind with something. If I had as many children as you do, with all their specialness, I know I would cry, as much as I loved them. :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks.

 

Really, I think some of what I want to accomplish isn't all that important. And if I'd just give myself credit for what I'm doing in general rather than wanting everything PERFECT....But, I've made a few mistakes lately. And I'm still *majorly* struggling with losing Monkey (and add the likely upcoming move of these three). There is so much more. Decisions, doing better at necessities, etc. I just want everything to be RIGHT.

 

I will try to focus on what I am doing as a start though, kinda like focusing on blessings rather than hardships.

 

ETA: sorry others feel this way too....

 

ETA2: The thing I feel I do best is general care and nurturing of the children. Though I get tired sometimes, of course, I take them lots of places. I sit in the floor with them a lot. We sing with YouTube. I hug, kids, chat with, etc all of them. We play A LOT. We read together. We are model clients in regards to therapies (do most homework daily or as necessary). People are impressed with their manners and behavior most of the time. They are progressing knowledge-wise. We eat together. We learn together. We do chores together. If I could do everything as well as I do the basics in regards to my children.....

[brendag]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

A lot

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

I have a tendency to be a worrier in general, but I must say that until I had twins at 35, I was feeling pretty "together" most of the time. ;) Being a rather new homeschool family has just added to the feeling of needing to do more, although I'm pretty good at setting boundaries now and that is helping some. I'm still developing my thick skin with regards to homeschooling. As to my to-do list...it is endless, but I do write it all down so that I'm not thinking about EVERY single thing and getting completely overwhelmed by "the details". I think I still have to work on lowering my expectations of myself and that is going to be the real challenge.

 

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

There are comments made from both sides. I know the intentions of the people making them are not meant negatively and those don't bother me. I have always been non-traditional in a certain sense, so I don't think people are surprised by just about anything I do or don't do, although homeschooling was. I think there are a couple who feel I will "crack under the pressure" at some point, but I tend to be pretty aware of my limitations and will take appropriate measures when I need to like getting my monthly massage started again. :D

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

I think it's only natural for many people to keep quiet about those things that they are struggling with. I'm an introvert and don't tend to share a lot of details until I really trust someone. If all I'm ever getting from someone is a rosy picture of their life, I take into account that we probably aren't close enough for them to feel comfortable to talk about the not-so-good that might be going on or past struggles. I hear the good, bad and ugly from most of my family and my close friends and they get that from me. Also, I do not want to be so wrapped in the details that I crash and burn and it feels like the homeschooling journey is having me learn even more about myself and that's ALWAYS considered a good thing in my book! :)

 

[LMD]

 

 

I feel overwhelming chaos when things start to get stressful or busy. I need calm and quiet to function. Who knows, but seeing your post makes me feel better. Maybe this is more normal than I thought? http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/public/style_emoticons/#EMO_DIR#/smile.gif Everyone always seem to have their stuff together so much more than me!

 

ETA: I think my main problem is... I am way too laid back. Im a procrastinator. I dont like being busy, stressed, or overwhelmed. I like things to go smoothly and peacefully and honestly, I dont get ruffled up about enough. (I know my post might make me look a little insane... but I am mellow to a fault.) Although I like being this way, I often WANT to be the kind of person that is oober productive, put together and on point. I have all of these awesome ideas of how things will go, and I get so excited for our wonderful, relaxed, upcoming school year.. and then we end up having chaotic days and I feel defeated.

 

The battle in my mind just needs to stop, and I need to lower my expectations or develop a more organized approach. But the bottom line is, I need to stop comparing myself to this ideal of perfection when I am human and its completely unattainable, which leaves me feeling like crap when I fall short.

 

I recently saw a quote on facebook that said something like "The reason we suffer with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone elses highlight reel." I cannot remember who said this, but it has stuck with me.

are you me?

[alef]

A big wake-up call for me was the day I sat down to make a new family schedule and started by writing out everything I thought I should be doing in a day along with the time each item would take. I thought I was putting down the bare minimum to keep the household running, take care of children, and homeschool--but when I tallied it all up I realized I was going to need a 36 hour day. No wonder I was always feeling behind!

 

Two things came of that experience--first, I had to simplify and cut back on my plans and expectations of what we should be doing, and second, I finally understood that yes, some things were going to have to go undone on any given day and that being "behind" did not negatively reflect on my abilities or work ethic. I am not superhuman, and I don't have any way to turn 60 minutes into 90 minutes.

 

Shortly after that revelation I had another. I went through a period of trying to maximize the hours in a day by not allowing myself to get distracted from my work by reading books, posting on forums, etc.. I thought I was just being lazy and unproductive by doing those things. What I discovered is that my stress level would get higher and higher as the day progressed, and my emotional resilience and ability to calmly deal with the demands of young children decreased. Apparently I had been using those little breaks throughout the day as a stress valve, and I really needed that escape. Now I make sure there are things in my life that I am doing just because I want to do them, and I give myself permission to take breaks when I need them.

[klmama]

I recently saw a quote on facebook that said something like "The reason we suffer with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone elses highlight reel." I cannot remember who said this, but it has stuck with me.

 

Thank you for sharing this.

[kewb]

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol I have been in a much better place since I stopped looking at all I am not doing and all that I am doing.  I celebrate my successes and make a huge personal effort not to compare my life to my friends.

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?   All the time.  I am a lousy housekeeper.  I will always choose reading a book over cleaning.  I hate cleaning. For certain, there are areas of homeschooling where I fall down something fierce. 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling?  Is your to-do list only X% complete each day?  Or is it a mindset or something else?  There are so many areas where I feel I could be doing better and if I think about it I become paralyzed unable to make the simplest decision.  I try to live one day at a time.  I do not make a to do list.  I would feel like even more of a failure when my list was not complete at the end of the day.  I try to focus on one thing for the day.  Such as-today I will get all the clutter off the kitchen counter.  Small goals work better for me.

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)?  Do you struggle with that view (either direction)? To my face my friends all tell me how awesome I am.  Homeschooling, dealing with my dh's health issues, etc.  I always wonder what they are saying about me to each other.  No way to know  but I try not to think about it because it is none of my business.  My own insecurities lead me to think they must be saying what a train wreck I am.  Messy house, scatterbrained, flake,  nuts for standing by dh and all of his bad business decisions, etc.  I think I might be projecting my own feelings of stupidity and inadequacies onto innocent people.  Then I think "wow, little full of yourself to think others have nothing else to do but discuss your life."

 

 

 

[Night Elf]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

When my children were elementary school age, I always felt we were on target or even ahead. Once my teens hit high school age, I started worrying because we take a full 12 months to finish one course instead of the recommended 36 weeks. At this rate, my son will probably graduate when he's 19 or 20. I'm hoping I'm wrong.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

I want my children to succeed and I feel responsible for how that happens. I'm learning to put more of that responsibility on my teen's shoulders, but he's nowhere near ready to handle it completely. I feel like I'd be setting him up to fail. We rarely finish everything on our weekly list. It seems that we need more time on some assignments, more than I've scheduled. That's one reason it takes us so long to finish one.

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

It's probably because I don't know a lot of people but the only person to ever comment about my homeschooling lifestyle is my mom who has praised my efforts. I knew other homeschool moms from social days and homeschool classes, but only got close to one. Since we lived the same lifestyle, we never criticized one another. I did feel I had it together more though. She went through more curriculum than I did because she always feared she didn't have the best materials. Plus her house was usually in a slightly messier state than mine was and I had 2 more children than she did. But I never shared that with her because I liked her so much and felt she was doing a good job. There were some areas where I felt she shined more than me. It didn't bother me though. I knew I was doing the best I could do.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

This board of fabulous homeschooling parents intimidates me. I'm reminded daily of what I could have done differently from the beginning of my journey. I have rarely felt judged by anyone though. I am quite jealous that others seem to have things much better in hand, but my family isn't suffering from lack of anything. I keep just on top of things. I'll also say it has gotten easier with my children as teens. I have more time to commit to the household. So maybe I wasn't a good person to answer this poll. Parents of younger children have a different set of conditions than I have. I'm in my 12th year of homeschooling but I do remember what life was like years ago.

 

 

 

[briansmama]

I actually feel pretty pulled together so I don't struggle with those feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too mellow. I only feel overwhelmed if we are off our routine (returning from a trip, planning a birthday party, little to no downtime and too over scheduled). I try to minimize intrusions to our routine as much as possible.

 

Last year I felt we had too many outside commitments. I think this is definitely a struggle with homeschooling. Our kids have access to so many cool activities! Co-ops, science classes, mid-day gymnastics, piano lessons, art lessons, nature field classes, plus the usual parks and rec programs, like flag football, etc.

 

My goal this year is to have the kids in a total of 2 things each. That's it.

 

I'd say if you are feeling overwhelmed it may be worth examining why. That can be very stressful and minimizing stress is important. Do you have a solid daily/weekly/monthly/yearly routine in place? Do you have a regular cleaning schedule/laundry day/market trip? Do you have an hour per day of exercise time? Do you get personal time in the evenings after bedtime? These things are all key to my sanity and I'm pretty protective of that.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I just lost a whole post. Said I had to write something. Ummm, I *did*! UGH

 

ETA: Yet this one posted. Weird.

[Pamela H in Texas]

First posts are always better,imo...not re-dos.

 

SO I said something about my excuses. We're not really a normal family and can't make things regular because of that. We are larger which wouldn't be an excuse I don't guess. But then the people in the family keep changing and there are dynamics changes with each change. Add some out of the ordinary needs and issues for some individuals. And that we can rarely go a day without multiple visitors or appointments.

 

Excuses, I know....

 

Then I said something about things I do to ease things for me. I block off days and parts of days at the beginning of the month to do the things I want to do (volunteer work, be a bum). I *usually* can keep most of them free of appointments. I do have someone come in twice a month to clean; and I'm considering having someone come in to cook a little (like freezer meals).

 

I also don't stress about homeschooling much. I homeschooled one set all the way through so figure I can homeschool a second set. Well, and you don't have to be particularly schoolish for kids these ages anyway. AND they are "fine" academically.

 

I still need to figure a bit more streamlining in terms of bills and housework, but....It is usually the bigger things I feel I don't get to. I mentioned how we won't make a vacation if someone else doesn't do the planning. That is probably true. Could they also garnish hubby's paycheck to pay for it? And I have little hope my closet will ever be GOOD though I might make it that I can walk all the way through it. Those sorts of things....

 

I'll just have to keep working on it. Of course, working on it is just another thing on my list of things to do <sigh> :)

 

ETA: Well, this one came through and I copied it just in case I lost it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

if you were to list out everything out that you thought you should do, it won't fit. You have to make choices.

 

 

Yeah, I'm *really* struggling with that.  

 

I want it all.

 

I'm willing to say that I may not be able to do certain things.  Too hard to make sure the house is extra clean top to bottom a couple days per month?  Hire someone.  Of course, there is only so much I can get someone else to do.  *I* am going to have to go through my closet and storage and such, for example.  And I am not rich (at all!).  

 

I can't have the positives of fostering and adopting without the negatives.  The negatives are HUGE.  I would cut down 90+% of my stress  and recurrent trauma if I quit fostering.  I'd also lose out on the positives I feel fostering gives as well as the ability to finish out our family. 

 

Those couple things are just examples, of course.   But like y'all, I seem to want EVERYTHING and there just isn't enough time for EVERYTHING.  

 

ETA:  I go back to my psychologist Tuesday.  Between the trauma issues I'm having and the overwhelm with life, I really think I could use a bit more support as I try to work through all this.  Like you said, prioritize and make choices. But I think part of the reason I'm struggling with those aspects is because I'm trying to do it through the mud of depression (the loss of my Monkey).

 

[Murphy101]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

A couple times a week. But not necessarily as an over all feeling, but as a "with this child" or "the house" or .. So it's not feeling that way about my entire life, just some aspects from day to day within it.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

oh lots of things can make me feel that way. Hormones. Mine or theirs. Outside expectations. Letting the calendar get too crowded. Not eating well. Forgetting my priorities. Resenting my priorities. ...

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

When I don't feel that way, which thankfully is most of the time these days, it's because I've decided to take a step back and breath deep and reevaluate realisticly. I'm really not the extrovert most people think I am. I put a ton of energy into overcompensating for the sake of those I love or to just be kind. And I honestly don't mind doing it. But I need to recharge. I need quiet time every day. To reconnect with my Dh at the end of the day. To have a cup of coffee in the morning.

 

Also, I become most overwhelmed and behind, it's because I've gotten derailed on my priorities. I usually need to make a cup of coffee or a glass or wine, and just go sit somewhere quiet to think about it and talk it out with Dh. I write down what my goals are and a list of what I need to do to make it happen. I talk to Dh and maybe any kid it effects to see if what I think needs done sounds reasonable and if they are on board to help make it happen. Pending how that talk goes, I adjust what I wrote done.

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

I tend to stay in my hamster ball of solitude and am thus often oblivious to their views unless they actually voice them. I do struggle with other people's expectations. It sucks that people think everyone should live like them. It's especially annoying when you know their live is not exactly the Hallmark material they want everyone to think it is anyways.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

I have no idea. I think most people are better at public relations than I am. I don't think that means they are actually handling anything as well as it looks to others.

 

I do think more money, better health, positive extended family support, and such are amazingly helpful and many people have considerable more of those than we do. But all I know is what I have and that's all I have to work with. So though I do get frustrated sometimes by people who just don't comprehend they are much better off than they know (and sometimes that's me too), most of the time I don't compare myself bc there's just no point in doing so. I am who I am and what I have is what I have. Lamenting who someone else is and their different situation won't help me make the best of my situation, it just breeds resentment and frustration.

 

[Rosie_0801]

First posts are always better,imo...not re-dos.

 

SO I said something about my excuses. We're not really a normal family and can't make things regular because of that. We are larger which wouldn't be an excuse I don't guess. But then the people in the family keep changing and there are dynamics changes with each change. Add some out of the ordinary needs and issues for some individuals. And that we can rarely go a day without multiple visitors or appointments.

 

Excuses, I know....

Well, you could call them excuses if you wanted to. I'd call them reasons.

[PeacefulChaos]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

Occasionally. Then I go through periods of time where I just DO NOT CARE.

For example, I know the house needs to be cleaned, but it will never be as clean as *I* feel it should be, so I end up giving up. Or I see the piles of books on the floor, or the toys that were picked up 10 minutes ago and are back out again, and I'm like, screw it, I'm not picking this carp up to clean. This isn't my stuff. I'd love to throw it all away but I tend to be really extreme on that, and could potentially end up throwing it ALL away. Which would then not be good for our family environment as a whole. So as of right now, I clean enough to 'get by' and I have every intention of hiring someone to clean the house once I have paid for my trip to Thailand.

As far as schooling goes, I go back and forth sometimes with a little bit of 'grass is always greener' syndrome, and remember how great it was for the kids to be in PS from a totally selfish standpoint...lots of free time, etc. But overall I know I didn't like it much more than that. Regarding getting school done and feeling overwhelmed with that sort of thing, I don't really. Right now I'm taking a much needed break from everything hs related, because I want to. :p I haven't even done much to begin planning the next school year, and we usually start mid-July but I've pushed it to the first full week of August this year. I have done a little bit of planning when I'm sitting at work with nothing else to do.

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

Personality has a lot to do with it, I think. 

I don't know.  I don't have a to do list because I don't feel like I really have that much to get done during the day.  I guess it's just part of the not caring thing that I already referenced.  

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

I have no idea.  I know that when people have questions about homeschooling, they sometimes ask me, but usually not.  When they have questions about parenting, I never get asked.  I think that DH and I are decent parents, but we're not the outspoken type, and a friend of mine says that no one asks me/us stuff because we don't put ourselves out there to be asked.  Which is entirely possible.  I sometimes get a little frustrated when other people get accolades for their parenting skills and I feel like they are lacking.  But that's just life, and part of it could be a little bit of jealousy, too.  I'm not perfect lol.   :)  

Either that or people see me as crazy, which is entirely possible.   :D  Most moms I know don't ride around in their minivan with kpop blaring or put their hair in pigtails. ;)  They also usually don't do most of the things I do.  We live in a very...hmm...one dimensional area, it seems like sometimes.  The moms who I see the most who are socially acceptable are sort of textbook moms in Lands' End clothes (which I have no problem with, btw, it's just the standard uniform around here - either that or being dressed up all the time) with their kids and their LL Bean backpacks (which I also have no problems with, just so that's out there!)  There's a certain look, a certain expectation.  I don't know what most of them would do if their son said he wants to grow his hair out long enough to cover one eye, but most of them probably wouldn't secretly go on pinterest to find ways to fix it while it's in the in between stage.  I've always also, not so secretly lol, hoped that one of the kids would want to dye his hair blue or green or do something crazy like that.  There are ways that I so wish they would decide to dress, but I leave it all up to them, which also got us some attention when the boys (and now Pink, who decided to start wearing boots - winter style boots - in the middle of summer last year) started picking out their outfits every day... a lot of the other moms pick out their kids clothes, especially for Sundays/church, for many, many years.  I would say probably until about Link's age.  Maybe even longer?  I'm not really sure... we also live around a lot of people who just aren't like us.  Which I think would be the case pretty much anywhere, because there just aren't a ton of people like us, period.  We live around people who think that rap music, regardless of lyrics, is bad stuff because of the beat, whereas I told Astro and Link yesterday (as we were listening to music in the van, of course) that I think rapping is cool (the rappers in the kpop groups are always my favorites :) ) and that they are talented musicians too, and that the world can never have enough talented musicians.   :)  

Oh, and Link dressed as Kakashi from Naruto for Halloween last year (left in this picture.  Astro still wanted to be a Power Ranger...sigh.  lol).  In a community like ours, most people had NO IDEA what the heck he was, but I thought I did pretty awesome putting his costume together, if I do say so myself.   ;)  The only downside was that the people who DID know were all older than Link, and he subsequently got flirted with by a couple of 12-13 year old girls lol... which was actually quite humorous, since he has 0 interest in girls whatsoever - and had no idea what was happening.   :D   :lol:

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

I don't think there is something wrong with me. 

I don't think people are handling life better than me, either. 

I just think I'm different.  I think, sometimes, that I ended up in the wrong place.  I think, sometimes, that I may have made a mistake that got me here (and I don't mean that nearly as terrible as it sounds!)  I think that who I am on the inside doesn't fit with the life I currently live, and I think that's why I'm finding myself so incredibly unsettled at times.  I think that's why I can't find myself just being content with life as it is, and I have a hard time doing what a lot of moms tell you to do, 'just enjoy every moment!'; 'it goes by so fast!'; 'just love being at home with your little ones!'  etc... I think my thinking is a lot more global than just my 3 kids, and I have finally reached the point where I couldn't take that sort of talk any more... the kind that tells moms that they have their whole life to do things for themselves, but that their kids are only little for a short time, and that time is precious, blah, blah, blah.  I got tired of being told that 'someday' I would get a chance to do ____, but that right now there is no better place for me to be, and no better contribution to the world than what I'm doing raising my children.  While I don't disagree with that line of thinking, over time those words felt like chains to me.  I was reaching a point where I couldn't see anything else beyond my life 'inside the box' so to speak - the box being my house, my family.  I got tired of saying 'someday'.  I saw a quote a couple of weeks ago that I love so much I'd get it as a tattoo lol... it said, 'There are seven days in a week and Someday isn't one of them.'  

I figure if I want to raise my kids to be globally minded, they need to SEE that I'M globally minded.  They need to see me going out and doing things outside of our comfort zone.  In the end, I'm not saying I'm doing it for them, but I certainly don't think it will hurt them at all.  I got a job, for pity's sake - and I haven't worked in 10 years.  It's just a part time job in the evenings, but having a paycheck that I earn was something I didn't even realize that I cared about or missed!  Suddenly, though, there was a realization that, yes, I can do that, because my paycheck will cover it.  (That's how I'm paying for my LASIK, as well as the trip to Thailand, as well as that housecleaning service I'm going to hire!)  

 

Sorry, my answers are really long and are possibly not even having ANYTHING to do with what you are talking about.  I'm just in a really talkative mood today, and (as I said in another thread) feeling very stuck in my house/town/state/country at the moment.   ;)  Sometimes I feel like I could just pick up and leave and go anywhere.  There have been multiple times over the course of my life where I came very close to doing just that.  Unfortunately, I never did lol...  

 

ETA - and, upon reading through this thread, I remembered that I have laundry to do.  Does anyone else just completely *forget* about laundry??  I'm totally serious.  I forget that it needs to be done, I forget it once it's in the washing machine, I forget to take it out of the dryer, and then I might get it folded but then I never think about putting it away.  

Sigh.  Apparently Pink has no pajamas...so...off to start the laundry, I am...

[LibraryLover]

ETA: I quoted my own little poster incorrectly. ;)  I hold dear this phrase:

 

Don't let dreams of perfection stop you from attaining good enough.

 

Maybe that sounds like a cop -out.  But it's where I am right now. 

 

 

[violamama]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?   

I feel like that a lot, and in fact I take a little "reading" of myself often in that area. Feeling a bit under water doesn't induce panic in me, though. It tends to help me focus and prioritize better. 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling?  Is your to-do list only X% complete each day?  Or is it a mindset or something else?  

I have a lot of things I want to do consistently. It's not stuff I can always check off a list and have it be done, and as a flawed human being with a real life I'm constantly re-starting the small tasks and goals that will get me the outcomes I want. It's stuff like deeper understanding of theology, or more compassion for others, or better intonation (music/career stuff), or greater engagement with my kids, or more enjoyment of my own body. These desired outcomes both hang over me and spur me on. 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)?  Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Thinking too deeply about what other people think of me is almost never very helpful for me. I tend to be sensitive, I tend to worry, and I have a bad habit of remembering every negative thing people say, so I just try to assume the best and only listen to people whom I have chosen as counselors in my life. For example: I really really don't like to be told, "Oh, you're so busy!" or "I really have no idea how you get things done" or "What?! You're homeschooling too?" It's even worse when homeschooling mom friends comment, because I often start to question myself and my scheduling choices. My mom in particular has a way of talking about my life that makes me feel like she is disapproving. I'm not sure she actually thinks I'm doing to much, but I do know she would not be doing all the stuff I do... if YKWIM. 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do?  If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)?  Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

The slant of these questions intrigue me. I can't imagine thinking somebody caring for/dealing with the things above wasn't accomplishing things. What would they need to justify? If anything, I am completely inspired by the moms I personally know who are parenting special needs kids or who are dealing with health issues. I'm not calling them saints- I'm just talking about the patience and perseverance I see two of my friends in particular displaying daily... What they accomplish in any given day is incredible and it may be completely invisible to somebody else or to a To Do list. Their quiet stamina is something I deeply admire. In fact, sometimes at the end of a crappy day or week I find myself thinking of people who are doing/being what I want to be but with less income, less time, less energy, less help. It helps me to buck up and find what I need to adjust in order to do what I can with what I've got. 

 

Last thought: Your goals and ambitions and to-do lists are only as helpful as you make them- and I think a ton of people make them in such a way that they are almost a hindrance instead. This last set of questions makes me wonder if what you think you should be able to do and what you actually have in front of you to do are a bit at odds. 

[joannqn]

I think I do some things really really well.  And I have evidence that I do certain other things well despite the fact that I feel I'm not doing enough.  Then there are other things that simply aren't up to par IMO regardless of what anyone else thinks and others still that others would agree it would be ideal if I could step it up.  Part of me thinks I'm just being too hard on myself though as I have it together more than some people.  The other part of me *really* wishes X was done, Y was kept up, and Z was happening on a regular basis!  I think one huge part of the problem is that everyone thinks I'm SuperMom, praises me, says they'll use my ideas "one day," etc.  I feel like a fraud. I do try to hold on to what all is going really well. It just seems the good gets drowned out by the lacking. 

 

I feel like this all the time.  It drives me bonkers, but I'm kind of used to it now and deal with it as my normal.  People think I'm supermom, and I know that I'm not.  I, too, feel like a fraud.  

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?   

 

Pretty much every day.  If it isn't school, then it is housework or laundry, or finances, or something.  And I don't play with my kids.  I don't have the attention span to play with my kids, and I realize every now and then that I haven't been giving one of my kids any attention at all. 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling?  Is your to-do list only X% complete each day?  Or is it a mindset or something else?  

 

When I make a to-do list, it is impossibly long.  I've given up trying to accomplish a to-do list in a day.  Instead I create a list of things I'd like to get done knowing that it is completely impossible and is more of a suggestion of things to choose from once I get the absolutely-have-tos done.

As far as what contributes to it...the fact that I have friends, homeschoolers even, with immaculate houses, or homeschoolers who do a lot more hands on than I do or more field trips or more subjects (like Latin), etc.  A huge part of it, for me, is that I have two sets of kids.  When I had just two, we did school in 1-2 hours a day and spent most of our time going on field trips, park days, play dates, homeschool support group, doing fun experiments/activities.  With my younger two, I just don't have the time or energy.  I have to think about the big kids' school more because they are older and have more to do and getting their school work done feels more necessary.  Plus we moved to an area that has fewer free and low cost things to do than our old neighborhood and is further away from the types of things we like to do.  Basically, I feel like I'm short-changing my youngest two.

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things?  Or that you view things differently?

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)?  Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

I've had quiet a few people online (I blog) and in real life that have commented about how much we get done and how many great things we do.  My older two kids make it appear like we get a lot done because they are "gifted" and learn by osmosis, it seems.  I can give them a list of things to do, and they do it.  Things that take others an hour to do might take them fifteen minutes.  Thus the appearance is that I do a lot when I don't.  Thus the feeling like a fraud.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do?  If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)?  Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

There are some people that I think are doing better than I am.  There are some people who I think are not handling things as well.  There are some people who I think have the outward appearance of doing better, but I've seen enough to know better.  I try to remember those latter people and assume that everyone has some things they do well and some things they don't do well.  I don't always succeed in remembering that though.  
 

I know part of my problem is physical.  I fought insomnia for years, but I recently stumbled across the solution.  Now that I'm getting sleep, I feel a lot better and am getting a lot more stuff done.  I also found some supplements that seem to be helping me stay focused during the day better.   And I always feel better during the summer as well.    I'm slowly catching up.  I'm hopeful that things will continue to improve. 

 

I hope you find some help among everyone's shares and get to where you feel ok about where you are.

 

[Sara in AZ]

Pamela, I can relate to everything you said, and it's comforting in probably a selfish way to hear I am not alone. Thank you, PP, who talked about listing out everything you want to do in a day and realizing you would need 36 hours. That resonates with me. I need to take a hard look at things and figure out what to cut out and stop worrying about.

 

Something simple that my therapist has said that helped me, and has almost become a joke between DH and I is to remember that we're all on our own journey. How we compare to others matters zilch. How our current self compares to where we were last year and where we want to be next year is what matters. If your personal kids have progressed in the last year and reached the goals you have for them, then congratulations! It doesn't matter what anyone else's kids are doing. So that's my new mantra for whenever I start feeling down about my life and begin the comparisons...."That's so and so's journey.That's not my journey. I have my own journey!" It sounds silly but it's true, and it helps me stay focused.

[Pamela H in Texas]

This last set of questions makes me wonder if what you think you should be able to do and what you actually have in front of you to do are a bit at odds. 

 

 

Yes.  I am fully aware that doing everything, including going above and beyond, perfectly is not really a reasonable goal.  Doesn't stop me for some dumb reason though. Then add that so many of the things are things that really don't matter (again, why is the stupid closet so important?). Then add that some of it is just an impossibility (gotta pick - this life or that). 

 

Want your cake and eat it too?  I can see that.

Eating it on a certain plate is important WHY?

Want to finish off the evening with a relaxing bath and all you have is desert around you?  Not likely.  

 

And yet, I want to be eating the cake from a certain plate while taking the relaxing bath despite the desert.  Add in a few wild animals.  Yeah, I'm real reasonable.

 

Like mentioned above, I really need to prioritize.  Quit grasping for perfection.  

Let some things go altogether or at least be more reasonable about it.  

And then accept how things are, make choices that work for us.  And accept what we give up (for now) in the process.  

 

I have done this before.  I grasp for control when things are out of my control and I have trouble accepting that.  This is especially true when I can't seem to work out *everything* and *perfection* which is crazy in it's own way.  No wonder I'm overwhelmed when I'm being completely unreasonable through a very tough situation. Then I can judge myself harshly when I can see this but still won't give myself a break.  

 

I wish I could treat myself like someone else.  I'd never expect anyone else to even be functioning after losing a daughter, much less being perfect.  I really need to start being kinder to myself.  But how?  <dumb tears>  I guess it starts with a thread like this (y'all have some great ideas and thoughts) and a trip to the psychologist (Tuesday).

 

Well, baby finished bottle (she doesn't usually wake up in the night, thankfully) and dog finally decided to come back inside; so I'm going back to sleep.  3 hours before I have to do another day.

[Donna]

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

Other people in my life seem to think I have it all together and for the most part, I do or at least do a good job making it appear like I do. With my family's help, the downstairs of our house is clean when guests come over though in between it might be a mess and right now we are "under construction" so it's a bit iffy but the best I can do. I fit in schooling my dd and seem to be getting it done then I do a lot of running with my kids and work which is supposed to be 2 days a week but seems to always be leaking into other days because I have a hard time saying "no" to anyone. There are things I'd like to fit in but just don't have the time or energy at the end of the day.

 

I tend to feel overwhelmed...like I am walking a tightrope and someone is standing on the other end wiggling it back and forth, when things upset the plans I have laid...which happens often now so I am working to get used to that and be more flexible. About once month when hormones are raging I let it get to me. The rest of the time I am easier on myself. I ask for help when I need it by giving the kids jobs to do and, for the past year since things have gotten busier for me, my dh has been a huge help with keeping the house clean or getting the groceries (little things that he can do so I have more time to run kids). I appreciate his help.

 

I keep myself together by making myself a mental list (and sometimes actually writing it down) of everything I need/want to do and I try to tackle one big thing a day. I used to be much harder on myself. I used to give myself a huge, couldn't possibly all be done in one day list then I was always mad at myself for not doing it all. My "new" system is much better. I feel good if I accomplish one large task (plus all the everyday things) and I give myself time to unwind in the evenings. Asking for help instead of trying to do it all myself has eased the burden a bit, too. That was really hard for me to learn to do...I had to learn to be okay with others in my family not doing something the way I would do it. Letting go on certain things took a lot of effort.

 

I am in other people's homes for work and I know everyone is different. Some people try hard to keep things together, some are super busy, some don't try much at all, some have outside help, some have no resources at all so always seen behind, etc... I don't judge myself based on other people. I used to judge myself based on my own concept of "perfection" though I never held other people to the same standard. I was much easier on other people than myself. I am doing better at giving myself a break and being okay with less than "perfect" from myself. It is a learning process.

[violamama]

Yes. I am fully aware that doing everything, including going above and beyond, perfectly is not really a reasonable goal. Doesn't stop me for some dumb reason though. Then add that so many of the things are things that really don't matter (again, why is the stupid closet so important?). Then add that some of it is just an impossibility (gotta pick - this life or that).

 

Want your cake and eat it too? I can see that.

Eating it on a certain plate is important WHY?

Want to finish off the evening with a relaxing bath and all you have is desert around you? Not likely.

 

And yet, I want to be eating the cake from a certain plate while taking the relaxing bath despite the desert. Add in a few wild animals. Yeah, I'm real reasonable.

 

Like mentioned above, I really need to prioritize. Quit grasping for perfection.

Let some things go altogether or at least be more reasonable about it.

And then accept how things are, make choices that work for us. And accept what we give up (for now) in the process.

 

I have done this before. I grasp for control when things are out of my control and I have trouble accepting that. This is especially true when I can't seem to work out *everything* and *perfection* which is crazy in it's own way. No wonder I'm overwhelmed when I'm being completely unreasonable through a very tough situation. Then I can judge myself harshly when I can see this but still won't give myself a break.

 

I wish I could treat myself like someone else. I'd never expect anyone else to even be functioning after losing a daughter, much less being perfect. I really need to start being kinder to myself. But how? <dumb tears> I guess it starts with a thread like this (y'all have some great ideas and thoughts) and a trip to the psychologist (Tuesday).

 

Well, baby finished bottle (she doesn't usually wake up in the night, thankfully) and dog finally decided to come back inside; so I'm going back to sleep. 3 hours before I have to do another day.

Big huge hugs. It stinks to realize some things just won't happen, doesn't it? Maybe some will become delayed desires and others might be incremental projects. Sometimes revisiting what is doable can make the waiting easier. I imagine dealing with your loss is coloring all the little details of life right now.

[Rosie_0801]

So that's my new mantra for whenever I start feeling down about my life and begin the comparisons...."That's so and so's journey.That's not my journey. I have my own journey!" It sounds silly but it's true, and it helps me stay focused.

That's one of the least silly things said on here all week.

[wintermom]

You've got a baby, multiple very young ones, you're grieving a lost baby, and have a very busy life before you even start thinking about the homeschooling, food, cleaning and laundry. You're probably functioning on lack of sleep, and pushing yourself to keep it all together. Who can you even compare yourself to, I wonder? Who has a lifestyle that is a fraction as busy and stressful as yours?

 

Before you dig yourself into an early grave, look at what is realistic right now. You have years and years to "do all you want to do" but you don't have to do it all at the same time. You may not clean up that closet for another two years. So what? It will be there waiting for you, and when you get it done it will be great.

[HS Mom in NC]

This question is NOT in regards to homeschooling though, obviously, as homeschool parents, it may be one of the areas we feel it also.

 

I think I do some things really really well. And I have evidence that I do certain other things well despite the fact that I feel I'm not doing enough. Then there are other things that simply aren't up to par IMO regardless of what anyone else thinks and others still that others would agree it would be ideal if I could step it up. Part of me thinks I'm just being too hard on myself though as I have it together more than some people. The other part of me *really* wishes X was done, Y was kept up, and Z was happening on a regular basis! I think one huge part of the problem is that everyone thinks I'm SuperMom, praises me, says they'll use my ideas "one day," etc. I feel like a fraud. I do try to hold on to what all is going really well. It just seems the good gets drowned out by the lacking.

 

Is there any way to fix ANY of this? As if I need one more thing on my overflowing plate...lol

 

I'm fairly good at articulating homeschooling philosophy and approaches.  Since I can compare and contrast them easily some people assume I'm good at doing them.  I think it's America's over valuing of academic, theoretical bookishness as opposed to applied, hands on application.  They both have their place, but being able to theorize does NOT mean being able to do.  So, I answer questions a lot and people make more of it than they should-they're just being generous.

 

So my question is how often you feel behind, overwhelmed, like you're not doing enough in some areas, that you still have a ways to go to get on top of things, etc?

 

When my older two (22mos. apart) were younger that was the case sometimes.  When my youngest (7 and 9 years younger than the older two) arrived I joined the ranks of the elite-I homeschooled school aged children with a wee one.  My youngest is an international adoptee who had  serious transition (sleep related) and mild, short lived attachment issues in the first year, now known as The Year of H3ll. That was hard.

 

  It's an entirely different homeschooling experience with littles around. Sometimes I think there should be a term for it to distinguish between homeschooling academic subjects to older kids with littles around and homeschooling academic subjects to older kids with no littles around.

 

It can be hard with littles who aren't traumatized or special needs too. Most people choose not to have large families because the littles demand so much, but for some reason aren't quick to cut the mothers of littles more slack when it comes to running a household and a homeschool.  It's really philosophically inconsistent when you think about it. Once the kids are old enough to help with chores and read competently, it eases up. 

 

Mine are currently 17,15 and 7, so this feeling of being on top of things is fairly new.  I've also homeschooled through a series of crisis situations.  In one way a crisis is overwhelming and increases the likelihood that I'll feel that way and on the other hand it helps me prioritize what really matters academically-reading, writing and math. As the kids get older reading can include books that cover other academic subjects.

 

For those of you who feel that way, what do you think contributes to that feeling? Is your to-do list only X% complete each day? Or is it a mindset or something else?

 

Lists can be good and bad-it's in how you create them and use them.   A list carefully prioritized can be a comfort if you're able to mark off one or two of the most important things at the end of the day and know that the things that didn't get marked don't really matter.  It's also helpful if you're careful about what is worthy of being on a list in the first place.

 

Marking things off my list is like crack for me, but if my list is in reality a brainstorming session of everything I can think of that could use getting done, then it's a noose around my neck.  If it's jotting down first what is critical, then what's important, it can be a useful tool.

 

 

For those who DON"T feel that way, do you think it is because you are so much more on top of things? Or that you view things differently?

 

Generally speaking, getting one task completely done is far more satisfying than getting two or three partially done.  Take for example 3 things that are constant for most of us: dishes, laundry and meals. 

 

Dishes

 

Which makes you feel better when you go to be at night: 

 

A.  All the dishes are done and kitchen is clean.  The laundry and meal planning (meals and a list for the next week of groceries) are not done yet and may not have even been started.

 

B. Some of the laundry is done but some isn't.  There's a pile of dishes in the sink but the counters are wiped down.  The dishes in the dishwasher are clean but haven't been unloaded yet.  I know 3 meals I want to make for next week and a few of those ingredients are written down on a grocery list.

 

For me, a list and task oriented person, I feel defeated when B is the case.  With A I feel like I've made more progress even though I may have made just as much actual progress (1/3 of it done-maybe even more) in B.  I do better mentally and emotionally when I only have to focus in one thing at a time.  In the case of A I only thought about the dishes and cleaning the kitchen until it was done. Depending on the age and abilities of my kids, that may include supervising them doing some of tasks required to have all the dishes done and the kitchen clean.   I gave myself permission to not spend mental or emotional energy on meal planning, grocery lists, or any laundry. 

 

When I got up the next day I walked into a clean kitchen I didn't feel as far behind than I would have if B had been the case.  Feeling behind creates a sense of physical, mental and emotional tiredness for me even after a good night's sleep when I walk into a messy kitchen in the morning.  Not everyone is wired this way, so it might not have the same effect on other people. I'm not a natural born multi-takser so one thing at a time approach suits me better.  When there are lots of littles around multi-taking has to happen more so it's a more draining phase of life for people like me.  Sometimes a movie and popcorn in the living room with the littles is what it takes to get that one thing finished in the kitchen or the laundry room. Strategic use of screen time can be helpful.

 

Laundry

 

Before my older two were responsible for their own laundry, we had a laundry day where laundry and school were all we did that day.  No outside activities.  No errands.  No other chores beyond picking up after yourself and dishes. Sandwiches for lunch (on paper towels for easy clean up-just like at Subway) and a super easy crockpot meal for dinner. Everyone brought down and helped sort all the laundry into piles.  I ran them through the washer and dryer.  The second the buzzer went off everyone dropped what they were doing (including Algebra) and immediately helped sort and put away every last item.  (I don't iron-life's too short.) Having every scrap of laundry done was a huge morale booster.  Having fewer dishes to clean up meant easy clean up in the kitchen that evening too.

 

How do other people view you and your running of life (house, children, homeschooling, unforeseen occurrences)? Do you struggle with that view (either direction)?

 

Yes.  A close friend recently said to me, "How do you do it?  You're always in a crisis and you still manage to have it all together?"  Yes and no.  Some days I have it fairly together with the most important things. Somedays I don't. Everyone is a mixed bag. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.  Most people don't go around discussing their failures and frustrations in depth.  Most feel an obligation to never give an fuel to the fire of criticisms of homeschooling.  Most people share their personal shortcomings (real or imagined) with a very short list of people in a private environment. Assuming that a person who isn't talking about struggles isn't having any struggles is assuming too much.

 

Do you think most people are handling life better than you do? If so, do you just justify it (fewer kids, not homeschooling too, no special need, fewer health issues, whatever)? Or do you think there is something wrong with you?

 

I think different people handle different aspects of life better than others.  Some are very organized, some are great at relationships.  Some are more sensitive to emotional needs, some are better at completing tasks efficiently.  Some are better at planning academics and projects others are better at explaining concepts and inspiring learning.   Some of those things are easier to see from the outside than others.

 

Some people have a huge advantage over others because they were taught time and household management as children. I was at a homeschool convention workshop about 5 years ago when the speaker asked the room of about 200 people, "How many of you felt prepared to run a household when you started homeschooling?"  I was one of 2! people who raised their hands.  I grew up on a farm with 3 older brothers and a mother who manged us very well.  We were taught the most efficient way to do each chore, the most efficient order for doing the chores, chore lists that rotated, etc.  Anyone who gets to see that and live it first hand doesn't have to figure out through experimentation how to do it as an adult with littles underfoot. 

 

Household Management skills usually have to be learned-they're not usually in-born traits that come naturally.  I was born in 1973 to Baby Boomer parents.  Most female Baby Boomers were mothers who focused exclusively on preparing their children for academics and careers in urban or suburban environments.  Many of their children had few or no chores at all at home.  Either Baby Boomer moms stayed at home and did most or all of the household tasks while the kids were in school or they worked and the kids helped out a little with the tasks.  Most chose not to have large families and only a rare specimen homeschooled.  Remember that homeschooling means running a household and a one room school house at the same time-not something most  people's mammas did. Most are figuring it out with no real life, in house example to follow.  That doesn't make them failures and it doesn't mean something is wrong with them.

 

Grief

 

Other cultures are better at grief than American culture.  It's a process that takes time and it can be erratic and messy.  Even my youngest, who came here at 7 months old from an outstanding foster family situation in S. Korea needed time to grieve for the foster family she bonded with.  We had an attachment therapist at the adoption agency who recognized it and taught it in the parenting classes.  It's a thing not to be neglected or postponed.  It's important that you be allowed time and space to grieve.  If you have to change how you do things academically and in your household management through this excruciating time that's not a failure-it's adapting to reality. There's no one right, perfect way to homeschool and run a household.  Comparing household and homeschools is like comparing apples and oranges and bananas and grapes and kumquats and plums and kiwi and pineapple and nectarines and persimmons and cherries and apricots and lemons and limes and cantaloupe and figs...............................................................................

 

 

 

[MistyMountain]

The thing I feel I do best is general care and nurturing of the children. Though I get tired sometimes, of course, I take them lots of places. I sit in the floor with them a lot. We sing with YouTube. I hug, kids, chat with, etc all of them. We play A LOT. We read together. We are model clients in regards to therapies (do most homework daily or as necessary). People are impressed with their manners and behavior most of the time. They are progressing knowledge-wise. We eat together. We learn together. We do chores together. If I could do everything as well as I do the basics in regards to my children.....

 

 

 

Quoting isn't working for me. You have 7 small children and have disruptions in who those kids are frequently since you do foster care and you do really good with them and home school several of them. In addition you take them out a lot and to therapies and you cook meals for them and eat together. I think you are being a little hard on yourself. There is only so much time in a day and having lots of small children is hard and a lot of work. It absolutely does make sense that you aren't caught up on housework because of that.

[NASDAQ]

I ricochet between feeling very competent (I have four kids! I taught one to read! I'm a good mother! It's unlikely CPS would remove my children because of the state of our house! We all have clean underwear!) and feeling lazy and unworthy. I nearly always have a little scorekeeper going in my head, and if I'm not working very hard at any particular moment (say, I take a nap), I judge myself for it.

 

I think most people think that I get an awful lot done, with rather a lot of chaos along the way.

 

I tend to compare myself a composite of other people. So instead of saying "Susan runs marathons but she doesn't have any kids" I think "Susan runs marathons, Mary keeps a perfect house, Jan has more children, and I should be able to do all of those things." And I would be able to, too, if only I never, ever took a nap

 

[Pamela H in Texas]

Key thoughts in this thread, Pamela (yes, I'm talking to myself!):

 

Give yourself credit for what you're doing. And it's okay to accept the praise.

Cut yourself a break for what isn't being done perfectly (or even at all) and don't worry too much about criticisms, esp if they are coming from you!

Quit comparing and don't take other people's comments as comparing.

It is okay to keep grieving.

Other people feel less than adequate too; you're not alone.

I'm okay, you're okay, we're okay.

 

(Okay, that last one is a little weird considering *I* am talking to *me* in this post!)

 

Shortened: Stop comparing your behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel :) 

 

Oh, and as always, this board is great for support :)

 

[fairfarmhand]

Pamela, one thing that jumps out to me, is that your to-do list is not easily quantified.

 

When one has older kids, or kids without special needs, we can easily list the things that must be done each day and check them off.

 

However, when one has special needs and small kids, those lists are insanely difficult to make. I mean, nobody writes on a to-do list: Take Junior potty every 20 minutes. Hug child who was punched by sibling and explain to sibling why that is not acceptable. Clean splattered oatmeal off of stove because it boiled over while explaining to child why punching is not okay. Pick up all the beads that the baby dumped out while dealing with the splattered oatmeal. etc.

 

These things are CRUCIAL in the day to day life of a mother...You've GOT to do them, I've GOT to do them, but they can take hours out of our day and every day we are left wondering...where did my day go, and why didn't I get more done.

 

Let me tell you, YOU ARE GETTING THINGS DONE!  But they are not easily listed out.

 

And yet, they are SO important.