Lara in Colo Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 My DH is sort of mad at me because I prefer to NOT visit a new baby still in the hospital today. This is a healthy baby born yesterday to his brother and wife. I have 4 children 12 and under, none of them are ill at the moment. The parents had infertility and miscarriages and treated this very expensive pregnancy like the golden opportunity it was. (Not that this is super relevant, just that this is a first time mom, not the super relaxed mom I was with number four) This will be their only child. We are not close to the parents in relationship or miles (they live in the mountains but are near now at the hospital). This is not an estranged relationship, just not very close. As a first time mother I would have been mildly stressed if all my nieces had come to see DD1 in the hospital. As I said my children are not ill, but they are in co-op today and will be exposed to lots of new germs. They are very loving children and will want to touch the baby (and will ask to hold the baby and be told no a million times) I propose to drive the 3 hours to visit momma and baby in a couple of weeks (not for a long stay, just a drop by while having a day in the mtns). This gives the momma time to adjust to being a new mom and not have a crowd in her hospital room. Am I wrong to wait? OR is DH right and I should take the whole family to the hospital today? Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KateHW Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I think your dh's feelings in this matter are less important than the new parent's feelings. How do the new parents feel? Do they want visitors or do they want to just be by themselves. I know lots of new parents want everyone to visit at the hospital, personally I didn't want that. I felt overwhelmed with just being a Mom, being sociable at the same time would have been more than I could handle. I'd ask your inlaws which they'd prefer, a visit in the hospital or a visit in a few weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would say it depends on the mother. *I* would not have wanted you and your family, with kids (who, ill or not, are germy), in my hospital room after the birth of any of my children. No matter how close we were or how much I loved you. :laugh: But that is just *me*. I allowed my mother and my in-laws (including my one SIL, but not her kids) to visit briefly after the birth of my second kiddo. I'm a bit paranoid about germs at that age and I am a really, really private person. I just didn't want anyone other than my husband and my older child with me. I was the same way with my first. Anyhow, I would not assume that new mom would want me and my crew piling into her hospital room, and I would say it is perfectly fine to wait until they are settled in at home. Only if I knew first-hand that new mom was ready and willing to have lots of visitors would I go to the hospital. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 I think your dh's feelings in this matter are less important than the new parent's feelings. How do the new parents feel? Do they want visitors or do they want to just be by themselves. I know lots of new parents want everyone to visit at the hospital, personally I didn't want that. I felt overwhelmed with just being a Mom, being sociable at the same time would have been more than I could handle. I'd ask your inlaws which they'd prefer, a visit in the hospital or a visit in a few weeks. I am attempting to do that (she isn't answering her phone, I left a message). BIL told DH last night that we "might" could come over tonight, I didn't take the call and DH is TERRIBLE about reading between the lines and knowing how the other person is really feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Personally, I wasn't super excited about visitors in the hospital except for really close family (like my parents for short periods). And especially with my first when you're trying to work out breastfeeding. Actually, I'm not germ paranoid at all. I just don't want the world to be exposed to my boobs. LOL. I was kind of weepy and tired. I had 2 c-sections as well. So I rarely go visit in the hospital even for my last niece, I usually stop by with a meal after a couple weeks when grandparent type help usually starts clearing out. I especially wouldn't drive 3 HOURS to the hospital. You could get there and get kicked out in 10 minutes anyway. At least at home there will be a little more space and you can send your kids outside, or send them to scrub up in the bathroom to hold the baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I side with you esp. since you already have a visit planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 It also depends upon the hospital. Our hospital limits visits to new babies to siblings to limit the risk of exposure to viruses and bacteria. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I know I wouldn't have wanted 4 young children to visit me 24 hours after delivery. (Unless they were my own.) But, I'm more of a private person, and I wanted that time to bond with my new baby, not to play host. Maybe, maybe, if you were to pop in alone (for a quick 15-minute visit) without the children, I'd be okay with that. But that means husband would need to take care of children. Or maybe your husband should drive there alone. Or you could both drive there, and take turns (just you and your husband) popping in, while the other stays back at Dairy Queen with the children. Honestly, even in two weeks, I don't know if I'd want all your children there if you don't feel you can keep them from leaving the baby alone. (And I don't mean that against your parenting, but the ages they're at.) If you did put it off for a couple weeks, I'd try and find a sitter, and you and your husband can drive there alone, bring them a meal, and stay no more than an hour. That's just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieF Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 At our hospital only siblings are allowed. Perhaps you could check? Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Can you or DH visit without the kids? Could you call the mom, offer congratulations, and ask if she'd prefer a visit now or later? I wouldn't be thrilled with a bunch of kids in the room- I'd even want mine to only do a quick visit if I had a baby, but I know many moms who wouldn't care at all and would be offended if their relatives didn't come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieF Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 At our hospital only siblings are allowed. Perhaps you could check? Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I agree with the others... and side with you. At the hospital is not the time to bring 4 kids. Do that when she's had a chance to be with the baby and relax at home. Definitely call her and chat her up. She's probably love to talk about her little one. FYI My daughter is having our first grandchild, and her two youngest siblings will not be allowed to visit her and baby at the hospital. Hospital policy is ONLY young siblings of the baby not the parents. Believe me, there has been much weeping and lamenting over this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 On a slightly different note-- doesn't the background of this new mom make her at a slightly higher risk for PPD? I mean, with all her high expectations? In that case, she might already feel sad & lonely and wish someone would pay her some attention. I would definitely call and ask her if she wants a visit or not, and I would not assume she wouldn't want one. And, it might possibly be the time when you would develop a closer relationship, because she will now see you as someone that she suddenly has a great deal in common with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I am generally a very private person, but I guess I would have been one of the few who would have loved it if you came to the hospital AFTER my kids were born. Some may be local culture/customs. There are a lot of people where I live who have a number of visitors when they are in labor. My mom was a volunteer at the hospital and visitors would come looking for "Maria's room"; my mom would ask for a last name and would get "I don't know, but she's having a baby." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Send flowers now, visit later. Bring a fresh meal with you, and one for the freezer. Find something else to do in the area so you aren't tempted to prolong your visit because of the 3-hour drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 If it's really important to your dh to see the babyin the hospital, is that something he could do alone and then you can all go together in a few weeks or whenever is convenient for the new mom? I agree with PP to find out about the visitation policy at the hospital. You definitely don't want to drive all that way only to find out the kids can't come in the room. I really wanted family to visit after I had my kids, but I know everyone is not that way. I would ask and stress that you want to do the easiest thing for them and that you are fine with visiting whenever is best for them. That way they don't feel pressured to say yes to the hospital visit if they don't really want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would not have wanted you with your children to visit the hospital. That being said you by yourself could be the answer to prayers. You are an experienced mom who may know how to breastfeed. That sounds silly but I was so excited when someone came who had actually had a child in the past decade and could offer a bit of practical advice. As someone who did the infertility/miracle baby scenario it was a bit of a shock when actually faced with a real baby. It had never occurred to me that things would not be textbook. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would not want children visiting in the hospital. There's not enough space, let alone chairs for everyone to have a visit. I vote wait till later. Then at least your children will have space to be kids without bothering the new mom. I would send flowers to the hospital. Don't count on your dh talking to his brother to get the feel for what is welcome. My dh would tell his brother to come on over with all his kids and I would be like, "WHAT!!!! I don't want them here! Not now!" Tell him that women often feel differently about these things than men do. This woman has had her insides basically taken out in the last few days, she's been getting woken up at night for weeks, she may be trying to establish some sort of breastfeeding routine. She does not want 6 people, 4 of them small kids in her hospital room. And there's no way I'd drive that far for a 20 minute visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 LOL fairfarmhand. When my brother had his first child he begged us all to come to the hospital. We drove an hour to get there, got there, and his wife was just bitter! I wouldn't trust the brother to answer correctly. If he used the word "might be able to come over", I would interpret that especially as NO (rather than "Suzie will be hurt if you don't come and could use some company. Please do come!"). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I always had kids visit and hold my babies in the hospital and at home in the days after. I never thought about not having them. As a child, kids weren't let in, but that policy changed around here years ago. Kids are in the delivery rooms if there are no complications for the whole thing. If they want you to visit and you are near, I would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Send flowers now, visit later. Bring a fresh meal with you, and one for the freezer. Find something else to do in the area so you aren't tempted to prolong your visit because of the 3-hour drive. I think this is a great idea. They live on sort of a tourist "loop" there will be plenty to do and not enough time. The food on the freezer is a great plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coco_Clark Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I agree with other posters that it should be left up to the mom. Only she can say what she would prefer as to visit now or later, kids or no kids. I'm an odd ball myself, I LOVED visitors after my births. With my first I had a constant stream of 1-3 people with me during my 3 day stay (hospital rooms are small, no more would fit at a time!). With my second and third I had home births and one of my favorite parts was being able to host better. #2 got a party about three hours post birth with a few good friends, and with #3 we invited my priest and his family (his oldest and mine are the same age and good friends) over for dinner that night. So personalities do waver :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Check the hospital policy... but maybe you could go and take turns visiting upstairs for a few minutes while one watches the kids in the waiting area. As a 1st time mom after 7 years of infertility I was thrilled to have all visitors (but none brought kids due to hospital policy) both in the hospital and waiting at home. (Literally waiting on our doorstep when we got home.) I seriously did not sleep for 48 hours after the birth I was on such a high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 When my friends visited in the hospital, they didn't bring their children. It was hospital policy. However, I still wouldn't have wanted them to bring their children. Germs and all that. My children were preemies, so that also impacted how I felt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 OP, I think you're right. I wouldn't have wanted people traipsing through my hospital room. Give them a little time to breathe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I think this boils down to family culture. Your husband will know his family culture best, but ... his family member isn't the one who gave birth so (in my world) the default goes to any involved party who has. This means you ;) LOL. FWIW, when we give birth pretty much everyone comes to visit at the hospital. I come from a big family, and we just pile in as best we can. If the hospital has rules about who's allowed in the room, family just hangs out in the lobby and visits with the dad (and baby if the baby is brought out). In our family, this is normal and assumed. If (our) people didn't visit, we'd wonder why not. And honestly I'd rather a quick visit while I'm in the hospital to having people over with a few-weeks-old baby, but I appear to be in the minority! My husband's family is very different, and sounds much more like the majority of posters to this thread. Hospital visits tend to be reserved to grandparents and maybe a close girlfriend. Home visits after a month or so are much more the norm. Good idea to check hospital regulations and use those to bolster your argument. But also a good idea to let your DH and the new husband know that while all women are different, from your experience as a new mom you think the days in hospital should be reserved to let the new family bond. That's hard to argue against, and even someone with my cultural background would find that respectable even if we didn't agree with it ... that is, it'd seem like a caring thing, rather than a lukewarm reception to a new baby. I worry that some, men in particular since they're not totally in tune with how taxing the birth process can be, may see your delayed visit as you not being excited to share in their much-planned, hard-fought joy. Maybe this is where your DH and his brother are seeing things from? If so, that's easy enough to address by name and straighten out :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MusicMama Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Your DH's wishes will most likely be trumped by hospital policy. All the hospitals I have delivered in do not allow children under 12 to visit new mothers and babies, except for siblings of the new child. Try to get a sitter, or have DH go alone. Then make the drive with your family when the new mommy gives the green light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I vote for you and DH going without the kids. (Obviously whether separately or together depends on child care). The visit itself should max at 30 minutes anyway. You could take turns. Take the kids later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would not want children visiting in the hospital. There's not enough space, let alone chairs for everyone to have a visit. I vote wait till later. Then at least your children will have space to be kids without bothering the new mom. I would send flowers to the hospital. I like the idea of you, by yourself, going to the hospital to see if she needs company/friendly advice. Take a gift for the baby. (Friends of ours brought Duplos for DS to the hospital. DD is now playing with them) I vote against the kids going. They aren't close to this relative and potentially problemmatical. You can do another visit with them when you are sure she will be up for it. (And then she knows she has that visit to look forward to as well) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would definitely check with hospital policy. All the hospitals I know do not allow children under the age of 12 unless they are siblings to visit the maternity/postpartum floor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would not take 4 kids to the hospital. Period! Dropping by some food while you are having a day at the Mtns is a good idea. If she would like a hospital visit, it should just be you. I did appreciate visits from *women* that were encouraging and kind and told me how beautiful my baby is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 You should probably try to explain to DH what a first time mom feels like post partum. He's probably thinking about the dad, who gets to be excited while the mom is the one thinking about this tiny new life that she has to protect and keep safe and well. NO WAY would I have welcomed 4 kids breathing all over my first born. I wasn't too happy about the nurses and the grandparents who came around. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I would never want anyone bringing their dc to the hospital after I've had a baby. I will have 20 people in my room visiting, but only if they are adults. After baby is home I will pass him/her around to other kids but those first couple of days in the hospital I need other people's kids to stay away. What I would really love is a sweet sil calling and asking what food I would like for her to bring me (hospital food sucks). A parfait from Wildflower would be more welcome than yet another bouquet of flowers or balloons. :) I would love the opportunity to sit and chat with another mom, especially now that I was in new mom status again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Can I just say how awesome it is that your husband recognized how hard their struggle for a baby has been. He has a sensitive heart. Whether you go or not, I think it is sweet that he cares so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahliarw Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Honestly, it was harder for me to have people in my home after my ds was born then it was when still in the hospital. It was impossible to get anything done and the place was a mess. Having 4 kids and a mom come over and see my house like that, even for a short visit, would have been stressful. So I woudl ahve either had to have tried to get thigns clean and take care of a baby or be embarassed. Just food for thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Having people visit at the hospital doesn't bother me. However there is only one family with 4 kids that we are close to that I would have even considered wanting that many at one time. They are kids that I am pretty close with though and are all older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I have had 5 dc and there is no way I would EVER have wanted that many visitors in my room. Shoot...I didn't even want my own dc or extended family to come and visit. :leaving: I considered it a mini vacation from all responsibilities and expectations, save one. I got to sleep, then take a nap, then sleep again, oh and I got my food brought to me right before my nap time. AND I didn't care about my hair or lack of make-up because all the people that were in my room had already seen me at my very worse. However, in your situation, considering your scheduled trip to their home shortly, I would err on the side of providing them some privacy, calm and relative assurance of no invading germs. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 The maternity ward at our local hospital has been closed to minor visitors due to the whooping cough epidemic, so at the very least I would check on that before driving all that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 If they are nearby Hubby should definitely go and visit ASAP. You and kids should stay home. I can't imagine not having gone to visit my sister when she had her first child. This is his brother's first child, that was much waited for. He should go, and leave the circus, I mean kids, at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I take BL's "might" as a "please don't bring your whole family into the hospital but I can't just say no please read between the lines" comment. Send your best wishes and let your hubby go ALONE and tell him NOT to stay more than ten minutes, seriously. And not to ask to hold the baby unless the new mother offers. Then, a couple weeks alter, find a sitter and just you two go visit. Save the hoard of kids until the parents seem comfortable and settled with baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I preferred visitors at the hospital where all of the germs were already. We did not invite visitors to our home for a good bit after our kids were born, because I did not want people bringing their germs to my house. I too would try to get in touch with the new mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Dh is going tonight and I (and my people) are staying at home. I will arrange to visit in a couple of weeks and bring food (and the present I have yet to purchase) Thank you for your viewpoints. I sort of knew that I shouldn't go and I feel good about my decision. When it was me in the hospital with my new person, I enjoyed that time the most, The baby was mine, all mine. I could touch it and smell it and watch it breathe. I didn't have to share or make polite conversation. I even resented DH when he would come for a while. I bonded. I got to know this person who had kicked me for several months. I could say dumb things to the baby and no one was the wiser. I would talk about his/her future and tell it how much it was loved. I didn't have to cook or take care of anyone but this new person, Once I got home, the spell was broken.-- Laundry and children and telephones and dinner. To me, the hospital was my favorite time-- even with the first one. Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Good decision. I didn't even have my own child visit our new baby in the hospital. I think it is wonderful your dh is so excited about his new niece. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 I never liked people visited me in the hospital, but I realize that some people do. I would suggest that you ask and/or just send DH with a nice present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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