Update: my son found his birth family on Facebook

[Rose in BC]

So we did solicit advice from MSF (our province's social services where we adopted our son). Their advice was to allow him to accept the plane ticket the birth family offered or it might exasperate his oppositional feelings towards us. What I got from our two hour conversation with them is that the don't have a lot of experience with circumstances like this. (Maybe because we live in a remote community.).

 

Anyhow, it turns out the birth family can't afford the ticket (why would they offer) and are asking us to pay. We will say no because we want to take him ourselves in the summer. (Birth mother, who I talked with for an hour last week) doesn't want this. They want us to hand him over sight unseen. She even told me she told him he could live with them if he wanted. (Remember our son has attachment disorder so he might actually consider this.)

 

So now we'll be the bad guys in our son's eyes when we tell him he has to wait until July and drive with us.

 

And he mentioned something about bringing food along with him. Huh? They invite him to visit, maybe even live with them, but then they can't buy ticket or buy him food.

 

Honestly we are a one income family. The flight would cost approx. $1,000.00. That would impact our summer vacation plans with our whole family.

 

This situation has been incredibly emotional -- very tough.

 

 

[Mabeline]

((Hugs))

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[gingersmom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[*Lulu*]

Oh my. I am sorry that you are in a rock and hard place situation now. ((Hugs)) Hopefully one day he is able to see this incident for what it truly was.

[Laurie4b]

Wow. That's awful. Bio family obviously has mega high levels of dysfunction. So very sorry. Attachment disorder stinks to begin with without all those complications. I am really very sorry.

[BigMamaBird]

Is flying Bio-mom out to you out of the question?

[Suzanne115]

Wow, that is terrible. I am so sorry for what you are going through. IAs an adoptive mom, I can relate. Our children were adopted internationally and probably won't ever get to meet their birth families. Sometimes I feel sad about that for them, but maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

 

 

Suzanne

[Liz CA]

Ack, Rose. What difficult circumstances. I do agree that appearing in opposition to him seeing his birth mother will probably only intensify his desire to do so.

I think you are doing the right thing by offering him transportation in July. Calmly explain to him that you cannot afford a ticket and he will have to wait until July and that you are happy he gets to see his birth mother. I think this last point is important since he may think you don't want him to meet her (which may be true) but if he feels he is given a chance to meet with her, it may take some of that "oppositional feeling" away.

 

And then...I'd pray that he realizes how good a life he has with you once he sees this other family.

 

Hugs & Prayers.

[Cindyz]

Is your son in counseling? He will need a good third party to discuss this with.

 

I agree with your feelings on this. I hope things will simmer down and you'll be able to take him in the summer as planned.

[Tammyla]

Oh, Rose...I'm just so sorry. It doesn't sound like they have his best interest at heart, and I hope he doesn't end up getting hurt by their requests and lack of empathy for his overall situation.

I think not purchasing the ticket is the right decision as well as accompanying him there. Hopefully with time and a lot of love he can come to peace with everyone. I'll be praying for you guys here. :grouphug:

[freesia]

I would also think that if ds was removed from bio family that he couldn't go and live with them until he is an adult, right? It's probably best to dispell that thought right away.

 

I am so sorry about all this. What a difficult situation. Stay strong.

[Spryte]

Oh my. She said he could go live with them? Big boundary issues here. I'm so sorry.

 

Do you think you could get him into counseling before seeing her in person? Maybe some counseling for you, too, for support? Doesn't sound like you'll get much support from the agency. Sending him off to meet strangers is not very good advice!

 

Also, if there's any way to bring her to your area, it might be a more secure feeling for your son, and she might see that he has a real life, and that could help her back off of the "come live with us" idea. Though I don't know, just a feeling.

 

Sending warmth and hugs. I could see something like this happening with one of my kids' birth families... So I feel deeply for you.

[NotSoObvious]

Do you guys have a therapist? Someone who specializes in attachment? I know you said you were in a remote community, but maybe you could find someone who could counsel you over the phone. I'd be all over a professional for this one.

[butterflymommy]

I would also think that if ds was removed from bio family that he couldn't go and live with them until he is an adult, right? It's probably best to dispell that thought right away.

 

I am so sorry about all this. What a difficult situation. Stay strong.

 

My advice would be to look into the legality of what is going on. It may not even be legal for him to have contact with this family if he was removed due to abuse or neglect?

 

I agree there are huge boundary issues going on, with the biomom inviting him to live there? That is outrageous.

[Parrothead]

Would you look less the bad guy by telling him he is free to visit at anytime they provide airfare? You know they can't come up with the money anymore than you can. Leave it in their court.

 

 

[Parrothead]

Do you guys have a therapist? Someone who specializes in attachment? I know you said you were in a remote community, but maybe you could find someone who could counsel you over the phone. I'd be all over a professional for this one.

Or video conference.

[CountitallJoy]

I have absolutely no experience with adoption and I don't think I caught your original post about this, but *this* post just made me really sad for you and the situation in general.

 

Call me paranoid, but there seems to me to be HUGE red flags all over the birth parents' behavior. I can't believe the agency would advise you to let him go?! (I mean, I believe you, I just think that advice is way off the mark!) "Bring food"? Seriously?? I think you are absolutely right in waiting until you can drive him - no WAY would I put my kid on a plane to go to strangers just because they gave birth to him.

 

Sorry I have no good advice, I just really wanted to give you a virtual hug and send good wishes your way.

[Rose in BC]

Is flying Bio-mom out to you out of the question?

 

 

The cost would be the same, which is prohibitive, and I doubt she'd come. She has anxiety issues.

[Rose in BC]

Ack, Rose. What difficult circumstances. I do agree that appearing in opposition to him seeing his birth mother will probably only intensify his desire to do so.

I think you are doing the right thing by offering him transportation in July. Calmly explain to him that you cannot afford a ticket and he will have to wait until July and that you are happy he gets to see his birth mother. I think this last point is important since he may think you don't want him to meet her (which may be true) but if he feels he is given a chance to meet with her, it may take some of that "oppositional feeling" away.

 

And then...I'd pray that he realizes how good a life he has with you once he sees this other family.

 

Hugs & Prayers.

 

 

We have told him and his birth family we fully support a relationship. (We just want it to be a safe relationship.)

[Rose in BC]

Is your son in counseling? He will need a good third party to discuss this with.

 

I agree with your feelings on this. I hope things will simmer down and you'll be able to take him in the summer as planned.

 

 

Yes he is.

[Rose in BC]

Oh, Rose...I'm just so sorry. It doesn't sound like they have his best interest at heart, and I hope he doesn't end up getting hurt by their requests and lack of empathy for his overall situation.

think not purchasing the ticket is the right decision as well as accompanying him there. Hopefully with time and a lot of love he can come to peace with everyone. I'll be praying for you guys here. :grouphug:

 

 

Thanks.

 

I would also think that if ds was removed from bio family that he couldn't go and live with them until he is an adult, right? It's probably best to dispell that thought right away.

I am so sorry about all this. What a difficult situation. Stay strong.

 

 

Given his age, 15, social services told us he could go.

 

Oh my. She said he could go live with them? Big boundary issues here. I'm so sorry.

Do you think you could get him into counseling before seeing her in person? Maybe some counseling for you, too, for support? Doesn't sound like you'll get much support from the agency. Sending him off to meet strangers is not very good advice!

Also, if there's any way to bring her to your area, it might be a more secure feeling for your son, and she might see that he has a real life, and that could help her back off of the "come live with us" idea. Though I don't know, just a feeling.

Sending warmth and hugs. I could see something like this happening with one of my kids' birth families... So I feel deeply for you.

 

 

Yup. She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn. We are very open to options. She's not. She told me she doesn't want to meet us or even our other children.

 

Do you guys have a therapist? Someone who specializes in attachment? I know you said you were in a remote community, but maybe you could find someone who could counsel you over the phone. I'd be all over a professional for this one.

 

 

No one in our area specializes in attachment. But we have some expert phone counciling.

 

Would you look less the bad guy by telling him he is free to visit at anytime they provide airfare? You know they can't come up with the money anymore than you can. Leave it in their court.

 

 

I am trying to leave in their court yes. I just explained we do not have the financial means to fly him.

 

I have absolutely no experience with adoption and I don't think I caught your original post about this, but *this* post just made me really sad for you and the situation in general.

Call me paranoid, but there seems to me to be HUGE red flags all over the birth parents' behavior. I can't believe the agency would advise you to let him go?! (I mean, I believe you, I just think that advice is way off the mark!) "Bring food"? Seriously?? I think you are absolutely right in waiting until you can drive him - no WAY would I put my kid on a plane to go to strangers just because they gave birth to him.

Sorry I have no good advice, I just really wanted to give you a virtual hug and send good wishes your way.

 

 

There are many, huge red flags.

 

It's daunting especially since we are open to a relationship. We haven't said no.

[Cinder]

:grouphug: for you and your family as you face such a challenging situation.

[Anne in CA]

As someone who step parented a child with a very irresponsible, mentally ill mother, I really do know what you are going through. I felt physically ill every summer, knowing I would not get the same child back who left, and wondering if this time I would be able to put them back together. I am glad you have a counselor, if you have a good church family, get their help. That is what really made the difference for us. Our whole church family was able to, graciously, lovingly, point out to stepdd, that her mother did not always have her best interests at heart.

 

We used to have to play the ticket game you are playing now too. Mom would say, "I'm buying you a ticket," The she would have no money and tell us to front her the money, then we would say we didn't have it, then she would tell dd we were rich and could buy a ticket if we wanted to. Arrggg.

[PollyOR]

Yup. She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn. We are very open to options. She's not. She told me she doesn't want to meet us or even our other children.

 

This makes me feel ill.

 

I'm so sorry! :grouphug:

[Rose in BC]

As someone who step parented a child with a very irresponsible, mentally ill mother, I really do know what you are going through. I felt physically ill every summer, knowing I would not get the same child back who left, and wondering if this time I would be able to put them back together. I am glad you have a counselor, if you have a good church family, get their help. That is what really made the difference for us. Our whole church family was able to, graciously, lovingly, point out to stepdd, that her mother did not always have her best interests at heart.

 

We used to have to play the ticket game you are playing now too. Mom would say, "I'm buying you a ticket," The she would have no money and tell us to front her the money, then we would say we didn't have it, then she would tell dd we were rich and could buy a ticket if we wanted to. Arrggg.

 

So did you buy the tickets?

 

Yes we have a strong church network. Our son has attachment disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. We couldn't have parented without this network.

[JustEm]

Praying for you in this situation. The best advice I can give is continually reiterate that financially speaking flying him out isn't an option right now but everyone going in June (if thats when you said it'd be) is the best you can do. That you want him to meet his biological family and hope you can all have a relationship.

 

I would never fly him out to complete strangers by himself no matter who paid. The other family doesn't sound stable at all and with the issues he has it would likely do more damage than him getting upset that you won't fly him out on his own.

[AimeeM]

Thanks.

 

 

 

Given his age, 15, social services told us he could go.

 

 

 

Yup. She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn. We are very open to options. She's not. She told me she doesn't want to meet us or even our other children.

 

 

 

No one in our area specializes in attachment. But we have some expert phone counciling.

 

 

 

I am trying to leave in their court yes. I just explained we do not have the financial means to fly him.

 

 

 

There are many, huge red flags.

 

It's daunting especially since we are open to a relationship. We haven't said no.

 

Holy red flags Batman!

I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. They sound absolutely unstable and toxic.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: :grouphug: What a difficult situation, I wish you strength and peace as you journey through this trial.

[Catwoman]

The cost would be the same, which is prohibitive, and I doubt she'd come. She has anxiety issues.

 

Her anxiety issues are the least of her problems. The woman clearly has serious boundary issues, and quite honestly, if she told your ds that he could come and live with her, I'd probably pack my kid up and move across an ocean to get as far away from her as possible. She is way out of line!!!

 

Holy red flags Batman!

I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. They sound absolutely unstable and toxic.

 

That's what I was thinking, too. There's no way I would ever allow him to visit them alone, and quite frankly, I'm not sure I'd even agree to the in-person visit. Let them Skype or something, and call it a day. The bio mom sounds like very bad news, and I'd do whatever it took to keep your ds away from her. What if your ds visits with her and she decides she's not going to give him back to you???

 

This is just awful. :(

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

[sparrow]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry that your family is dealing with this. As an adoptive mom, my heart is crying for you. As an adoptee, your son's birth mother personifies one of the reasons I do not pursue a search for my own birth family.

[Impish]

Hold. The. Phone.

 

She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn.

 

What, does she think he's some sort of flipping library book?! :svengo:

[Catwoman]

Hold. The. Phone.

 

She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn.

 

What, does she think he's some sort of flipping library book?! :svengo:

 

I was thinking the same thing -- that kind of comment would both enrage and scare me. What if this woman starts secretly trying to convince the boy to run away from home to be with her???

 

I wish he'd never found her.

[Impish]

If I remember correctly, Rose adopted her ds via social services, so this mother was deemed unfit and lost custody, which makes this even MORE frightening in my book.

 

Here, termination of parental rights is NOT a knee jerk reaction. It drags on and on and on, (imo, often to the detriment of the child) to give the parents every last freaking chance possible, and then another few besides.

[Twinmom]

She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn. We are very open to options. She's not. She told me she doesn't want to meet us or even our other children.

 

No, just no...and this is coming from the former director of an adoption agency that did only open adoptions. This is not the beginning of a healthy relationship. Time to set your boundaries and make them strong ones, as you appear to already be doing! An open adoption ideally has both the birth parents and the adoptive parents being respective of each other's unique role in the child's life. The only one doing any respecting here is you.

 

Your son does need to know his birth family if at all possible. However, given the obviously unhealthy circumstances here, I'd take a strong role in orchestrating how, when and with whom this meeting eventually takes place. I would also insist that the birth mother meet at least once with an adoption professional in her area (at your expense) before the meeting so that she can clearly hear the message that she must respect your family unit and your parental responsibilities toward your son while he is still a minor. She needs to learn some serious boundaries...she can do that if she wholeheartedly participates in a open adoption birth parent support group for a while before she meets with your family. And yes, you must be present in order for her to meet with your son, until you have time to build a relationship with her and come to trust her. He is still a child and a child with special needs at that. YOU are in charge here, as you are not only the legal and moral parent of this child but also clearly the one who has his best interests at heart.

 

If you set the limits I've suggested or similar ones, set up requirements for a face to face meeting and put it off until you've had a chance to exchange letters for a while or perhaps Skype, I am betting she will lose interest. She seems to be someone who will only do this if it can be done the easy way (and that is assuming she is a good person and isn't trying to gain more than just a relationship here). If she goes through your requirements willingly, you've got a chance to build a good relationship. If not and if she will not respect your family unit, tell her that you have decided that the relationship must be via mail only until your son is 18 and able to make these decisions for himself.

 

Just to be clear, I have an open adoption with my boys' birth parents and wish I did with my daughter's (we have been firmly rejected there). We talk at least weekly via text and Facebook with their birth mother, know and communicate with her extended family, have spent the weekend in each other's homes and count each other as the best of friends. It can happen. It will not happen, however, when there is not respect and maturity coming from both sides. Make your son's birth mother realize this and prove her intentions to be in your son's best interests before you proceed further.

 

Hugs and prayers!!

[Anne in CA]

So did you buy the tickets?

 

Yes we have a strong church network. Our son has attachment disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. We couldn't have parented without this network.

No, we did not buy the tickets, but it caused my poor step dd a lot of anguish, because her mother had her convinced that we should buy the tickets, that we stole her away... (step dd's mother moved to CA without telling us for three weeks while dd was at our house for the week)... The poor girl has issues from her mother's behavior that exist to this day.

[Rose in BC]

If I remember correctly, Rose adopted her ds via social services, so this mother was deemed unfit and lost custody, which makes this even MORE frightening in my book.

Here, termination of parental rights is NOT a knee jerk reaction. It drags on and on and on, (imo, often to the detriment of the child) to give the parents every last freaking chance possible, and then another few besides.

 

Yes this is all true. We didn't adopt until he was four for this very reason. We are so alone. Social services is telling us to let him go which is so counter intuitive.

 

And because he has attachment disorder and oppositional defiant disorder, he doesn't listen to us. In fact today when we said o to the plane ticket he told me I was the most uncaring mother on earth. Are you kidding me! We have gone through hell with this child, and still love him. And tell him so. So now we will be punished for saying no.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing -- that kind of comment would both enrage and scare me. What if this woman starts secretly trying to convince the boy to run away from home to be with her???

I wish he'd never found her.

 

My heart is heavy with that same feeling. And not because we are against our children knowing their biological families. This circumstance is just so difficult.

 

And I am worn out.

[Rose in BC]

 

 

No, just no...and this is coming from the former director of an adoption agency that did only open adoptions. This is not the beginning of a healthy relationship. Time to set your boundaries and make them strong ones, as you appear to already be doing! An open adoption ideally has both the birth parents and the adoptive parents being respective of each other's unique role in the child's life. The only one doing any respecting here is you.

 

Your son does need to know his birth family if at all possible. However, given the obviously unhealthy circumstances here, I'd take a strong role in orchestrating how, when and with whom this meeting eventually takes place. I would also insist that the birth mother meet at least once with an adoption professional in her area (at your expense) before the meeting so that she can clearly hear the message that she must respect your family unit and your parental responsibilities toward your son while he is still a minor. She needs to learn some serious boundaries...she can do that if she wholeheartedly participates in a open adoption birth parent support group for a while before she meets with your family. And yes, you must be present in order for her to meet with your son, until you have time to build a relationship with her and come to trust her. He is still a child and a child with special needs at that. YOU are in charge here, as you are not only the legal and moral parent of this child but also clearly the one who has his best interests at heart.

 

If you set the limits I've suggested or similar ones, set up requirements for a face to face meeting and put it off until you've had a chance to exchange letters for a while or perhaps Skype, I am betting she will lose interest. She seems to be someone who will only do this if it can be done the easy way (and that is assuming she is a good person and isn't trying to gain more than just a relationship here). If she goes through your requirements willingly, you've got a chance to build a good relationship. If not and if she will not respect your family unit, tell her that you have decided that the relationship must be via mail only until your son is 18 and able to make these decisions for himself.

 

Just to be clear, I have an open adoption with my boys' birth parents and wish I did with my daughter's (we have been firmly rejected there). We talk at least weekly via text and Facebook with their birth mother, know and communicate with her extended family, have spent the weekend in each other's homes and count each other as the best of friends. It can happen. It will not happen, however, when there is not respect and maturity coming from both sides. Make your son's birth mother realize this and prove her intentions to be in your son's best interests before you proceed further.

 

Hugs and prayers!!

 

 

She is highly dysfunctional. But my son suffers from RAD so he does not listen to us. I mean we may be able to control the situation because we won't buy a plane ticket but we will suffer his wrath.

 

We have an open adoption with my daughter and it works well.

 

It's tough.

[Rose in BC]

 

No, we did not buy the tickets, but it caused my poor step dd a lot of anguish, because her mother had her convinced that we should buy the tickets, that we stole her away... (step dd's mother moved to CA without telling us for three weeks while dd was at our house for the week)... The poor girl has issues from her mother's behavior that exist to this day.

 

 

This is what's we are kind of dealing with. It's terrible.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

((Rose))

[Lilaclady]

Owww Rose this is such a tough one. Wishing you all best but please stay strong and listen to your guts. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Hold. The. Phone.

 

She told me We've had our time with him, now its her turn.

 

What, does she think he's some sort of flipping library book?! :svengo:

 

 

no kidding! I think I'd document those statements and look into a restraining order. The authorities *removed* him from her custody and severed rights. She doesn't get another "turn".

 

I'm very sorry Rose. You must feel like you're walking on a high tightrope between respecting him and protecting him here.

[Catwoman]

 

My heart is heavy with that same feeling. And not because we are against our children knowing their biological families. This circumstance is just so difficult.

 

And I am worn out.

 

Of course you're worn out -- :grouphug: -- and it's pretty obvious that you aren't against your kids knowing their bio families, so don't even think about feeling like you're doing anything wrong in this situation if you're against your ds having a relationship with his bio mom! For heaven's sake, this isn't a nice, happy reunion in the making; in fact, the bio mom sounds like a nut, and it seems like she's making it pretty clear that she'd like to take your ds away from you. You'd be crazy if you weren't worried and upset about it!!!

 

I know you want your ds to have a chance to know his bio mom, but in this case, I think he needs your protection from her more than he needs a relationship with her. She sounds toxic.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Rose, did you keep the records from the CPS case?

 

One idea I saw on a forum that I liked was to have the child read through the case files, discuss what all everyone knows, full disclosure, basically before there is much/any contact with the birth family. This way the child is going in with their eyes wide open.

 

Also, very carefully, I would show ds the red flags. He can probably recognize some himself. He may need help with some others. But that will give him a start to considering things rationally, not just emotionally. You just don't want to make him defensive.

 

Anyway, unfortunately, our case file isn't very filled out despite the length of time my kids were in care. I will give them what all I have, but....But maybe in time they'll see. I hope so. I have no doubt their parents cared and loved them. I just also know they were not capable of parenting. My kids seem to get that to the degree they can at their ages. Hopefully they gain more insight as time goes on. Also in our case, we're hoping that extended family fills that gap for them to buy us a little more time and truth of circumstances.

 

It is scary. Even now I worry about my kids knowing about Facebook. I *think* they think it is a place mommy is on a couple groups, similar to the WTM boards. But how long can I prevent them from learning about people's individual pages, friending people, etc?

[StephanieZ]

Social services can stuff it. They obviously are idiots.

 

No way, no how, can you send a 15 yo vulnerable boy to these people without a parent there. Even in the best of circumstances, no way, no how!

 

You will suffer his wrath, but I am guessing that is nothing new.

 

So, forget about the social services people. Don't bother with them anymore. This is your kid, and they are idiots.

 

Tell your kid, and the birthmom, that your son can visit when and only when a parent (you or dh) can accompany him, and that, in this case, that will only be feasible this summer. This is because YOU are responsible for your son, and YOU will not be entrusting your CHILD to the care of ANYONE you don't know well, no matter they share some DNA with your son.

 

Tell the birthmom in no uncertain terms that your turn lasts from the day you got him until the end of time. He is your son, now and forever. Don't engage further.

 

FWIW, IMHO, birthmom's turn ended when your son was 4. Sounds like she managed to do a lifetime's damage in those four years, and she doesn't deserve another day.

 

((((hugs))))

 

I am so angry for you and your family. This sounds like a disaster. I have no first hand experience in these matters, but just enough second hand to have a visceral dislike for the birthparents who damage their young children and then want to keep redamaging them summer after summer. I am glad you live far away.

 

I am wondering if your internet connection might be in danger of being down for a while. . . You know, no facebook, no email for a while. Maybe a very intermittent wiring problem could be cropping up in your house. Hard to figure out. Gosh, internet works for an hour here or there, but then, whammo, no internet for weeks. Gotta' call that cable company again. Bastard cable guys just can't get it right . . . Keep no-showing for the appt to fix it, too. Damn.

[StephanieZ]

If you can consult an attorney, I'd look in to getting a restraining order preventing birthmom from ANY contact. At least I'd find out my options.

[Rosie_0801]

(((hugs)))

[ondreeuh]

I am so sorry. I haven't been in your shoes with the RAD and ODD, and that must make everything 10x more difficult.

 

My daughter does not have any relationship with her birth father for good reasons - he was not fit to parent, and I drew firm boundaries. I was, however, able to build a relationship with his family so she has access to the family history. That has turned out to be very important to her. As she has grown up I have gradually told her more about the situation so she understands that this wasn't something that was decided on a whim, and she knows about his instability. Recently she was told by other family members some information that really made clear how much dysfunction she would have experienced if he had been in her life. She is now finally starting to become interested in maybe talking to him, but she has the benefit of knowing that it wouldn't be some fairytale ending.

 

I cannot imagine being hostage to the birth parent's demands like you seem to be. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I do agree with the PP who said that the damage from getting involved with this woman may be much greater & longer term than the fallout from refusing to let him meet her. Ideally he would come to his own conclusion that it is not a good time to meet her. I do think the best thing you can do is help him get perspective on the situation - and if he won't listen to you, find a way to plant the information so he can learn it in a way he will accept. He probably feels that reuniting with his birth mother will heal many of his wounds, and is unable to see that she is not able to do that. Is there someone he trusts who could go over the records with him - his therapist maybe? He needs to have realistic expectations, and there's probably no way he can do that without someone sitting him down and saying LOOK, this is what's up.

 

Remember that setting boundaries shows you LOVE him, and if he doesn't see that right now, hopefully he will soon. If you were the meanest mom in the world you would ship him off without a care to let him be someone else's problem. Parenting can be a thankless task, and you've got it 10-fold right now, but I hope the dividends pay off very soon.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: