Update: my son found his birth family on Facebook

[Pamela H in Texas]

Tell the birthmom in no uncertain terms that your turn lasts from the day you got him until the end of time. He is your son, now and forever.

This part is true.

FWIW, IMHO, birthmom's turn ended when your son was 4. Sounds like she managed to do a lifetime's damage in those four years, and she doesn't deserve another day.

This simply is not true. Our children have another family, their first family. It may be dysfunctional, boundaryless, unsafe, unhealthy, etc (though obviously there are many birth families who are wonderful people in good places also); but they are still part of the child and no party of the situation can ever forget that completely. Different children respond differently to various parts of their circumstances. This child is behaving just like many kids do when they want to go live with the "fun" parent. The difference is that this parent no longer has any rights, the child is even less capable of understanding the dysfunction, etc.

 

It is so incredibly hard and I don't look forward to the day my own children seek out their birth parents. I want to believe it won't be until Tumbler is 18 or older, at least letting the boys be close to grown also; but I don't truly believe that. And if their attachment issues aren't resolved better, it really has a chance to be bad. My kids are SO incredibly smart when it comes to so many things, but not relationships. I so can see them running off and living the life so many there live. I only hope that if they do, they'll quickly see the truth before they ruin their lives. On a more positive note, both of their first parents like us, are thankful we have the children, and appreciate the level of openness I've allowed (letters/pictures/small notes on FB). They don't fully take responsibility for what has happened (or even recognize it actually); but they don't hate us because of it which should make it easier for them not to demonize us when meetings happen. My intention is to fully support my children meeting, visiting, knowing their first parents when the time comes, being the soft place they can fall in the end. I expect it'll be extremely challenging all the way through, especially if they don't heal well between now and then.

 

Anyway, as Rose's situation. There is no way I'd be putting ourselves in a hole to help a relationship-challenged child spend time with a boundary-less woman, especially alone. You have worked out a way you can do it eventually (which, honestly, is also more than I'd do with him being 15 and where he is; I probably would have found a way that it couldn't happen for a greater amount of time unless birthmom wanted to come to you) and he'll deal. Him being less than reasonable about that is proof he's not really ready for this and all it may entail. I would encourage counseling if at all possible just because this can be extremely difficult under the best of circumstances. It'd be nice to buoy him a bit. Fact is that he likely has her up on a pedestal of sorts, not remembering all the wrong that was done and likely still is being done.

 

I'm so sorry. It can be so incredibly hard. We pour our hearts into these children and just get trampled upon. We're made out to be cold, heartless, badwords when we have dedicated our lives to trying to help our children heal.

[Rose in BC]

 

This part is true.

 

This simply is not true. Our children have another family, their first family. It may be dysfunctional, boundaryless, unsafe, unhealthy, etc (though obviously there are many birth families who are wonderful people in good places also); but they are still part of the child and no party of the situation can ever forget that completely. Different children respond differently to various parts of their circumstances. This child is behaving just like many kids do when they want to go live with the "fun" parent. The difference is that this parent no longer has any rights, the child is even less capable of understanding the dysfunction, etc.

 

It is so incredibly hard and I don't look forward to the day my own children seek out their birth parents. I want to believe it won't be until Tumbler is 18 or older, at least letting the boys be close to grown also; but I don't truly believe that. And if their attachment issues aren't resolved better, it really has a chance to be bad. My kids are SO incredibly smart when it comes to so many things, but not relationships. I so can see them running off and living the life so many there live. I only hope that if they do, they'll quickly see the truth before they ruin their lives. On a more positive note, both of their first parents like us, are thankful we have the children, and appreciate the level of openness I've allowed (letters/pictures/small notes on FB). They don't fully take responsibility for what has happened (or even recognize it actually); but they don't hate us because of it which should make it easier for them not to demonize us when meetings happen. My intention is to fully support my children meeting, visiting, knowing their first parents when the time comes, being the soft place they can fall in the end. I expect it'll be extremely challenging all the way through, especially if they don't heal well between now and then.

 

Anyway, as Rose's situation. There is no way I'd be putting ourselves in a hole to help a relationship-challenged child spend time with a boundary-less woman, especially alone. You have worked out a way you can do it eventually (which, honestly, is also more than I'd do with him being 15 and where he is; I probably would have found a way that it couldn't happen for a greater amount of time unless birthmom wanted to come to you) and he'll deal. Him being less than reasonable about that is proof he's not really ready for this and all it may entail. I would encourage counseling if at all possible just because this can be extremely difficult under the best of circumstances. It'd be nice to buoy him a bit. Fact is that he likely has her up on a pedestal of sorts, not remembering all the wrong that was done and likely still is being done.

 

I'm so sorry. It can be so incredibly hard. We pour our hearts into these children and just get trampled upon. We're made out to be cold, heartless, badwords when we have dedicated our lives to trying to help our children heal.

 

 

Honestly we're starting to question even the trip in summer. I have a telephone conversation with an attachment councilor scheduled for today. I will see what she thinks.

 

My boy is not very happy with us. Aside from his special needs, he's a teen... He knows everything, we know nothing.

[Tammyla]

Rose, can you talk to the counselor alone and get some advice for how to proceed? I'm with you questioning the summer trip. I know it may not be ideal, but flying the mom into a neutral place or your city might be a better option or simply delaying a trip. He comments about her time is a very big red flag to me.

 

Honestly we're starting to question even the trip in summer. I have a telephone conversation with an attachment councilor scheduled for today. I will see what she thinks.

 

My boy is not very happy with us. Aside from his special needs, he's a teen... Her knows everything, we know nothing.

[Rose in BC]

Rose, can you talk to the counselor alone and get some advice for how to proceed? I'm with you questioning the summer trip. I know it may not be ideal, but flying the mom into a neutral place or your city might be a better option or simply delaying a trip. He comments about her time is a very big red flag to me.

 

My conversation today is alone so I can have a frank discussion. In theory it would be possible to fly her here but i don't think she would agree. We live in a fairly remote community far from any urban centres (nearest city of 80,000 people is a 7.5 hour drive for us), Vancouver is a 16 hour drive for us). She suffers from anxiety so I doubt she could do a trip of that magnitude alone. Flights can be $1000 (because it would require a flight to Vancouver and then one to where she lives).

 

Interestingly last night she admitted to being labeled scizophrenic and bi-polar but she said those labels weren't accurate . . . she's just sensitive and has the gift of ESP. He has told us from day one that he knows shes "off" but he's not scared of her. it just adds another level of uncertainty of how she'll handle a reunion.

 

Honestly i feel like our life has become a made for t.v. movie.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

Oh my. I can't imagine. Hang in there. Don't cave in to what they want. What a mess!

[Aspasia]

I personally agree with the poster who described these people as toxic. Schizophrenia? Bipolar but in denial about it? As much as it might seem healthy and fair to allow your son to have a relationship with this woman, I would actually argue that it sounds very unhealthy for him in the long-term. It's not going to be good for him to have a relationship with someone who makes commitments or dangles plane tickets and then takes them back. She gets his hopes up, messes with his emotions. She obviously isn't thinking about what is best for him. She's only interested in what she wants, otherwise she would have thought about her financial limitations before offering him a ticket and getting is hopes up. Also, her refusal to meet the rest of you doesn't show much interest in your son and his life, the people who have raised him, his family.

 

He is your son and it is your job and up to your judgment to protect him as you see fit. When he turns 18, it's all obviously up to him and he will do what he will. But right now, you don't have to let him see her. Yes, he might resent you for it, but don't all teenagers (and adults, for that matter) resent their parents for lots of things? And then we get older, have kids of our own, and understand our parents and their choices a little bit better.

 

I agree with the Skype suggestion. Chat, get to know each other, but no way would I be arranging physical meetings with this lady. And if she ever attempts to take it into her own hands, well, that becomes a legal issue.

 

So sorry for this horrible situation. I can't even imagine the emotional turmoil. I hope the counselor is helpful and can give you insight as well as confidence in whatever you decide. <3

[StephanieZ]

If it is legal where you live, I would install recording devices on ALL the phone lines on which this woman can call you. I'd also install some super aggressive key-logger/screen-logger spyware on the internet/texting devices your son has access to. I'd make sure my son knew nothing about this tracking.

 

The woman admitting she is diagnosed severely mentally ill is a huge, huge danger sign. Those are very dangerous illnesses. I would never, ever, never allow your son to travel alone to meet her or to be alone with her EVER until he is 18. I would record every conversation and communication from her until you are no longer able to do it (when he moves out of the home).

 

This woman could kidnap him. She could kill you. She could have delusions or hallucinations. I'd be very scared.

 

((((((hugs)))))))

 

And, she might be his birth mom, but she does not DESERVE anything IMHO. What you and your son and your family allow her to have with your son is all up to you. She "tore up her Mom card" a long time ago, IMHO. YOU are your son's family. If you decide it is good for your SON to have a relationship with her, then that is fine, of course. But, it is 100% up to what is best for your son; nothing is owed to her. NOTHING.

 

She wasn't some thoughtful young woman in a bad spot, and she didn't voluntarily choose to give a child a better life after having nurtured and loved an unborn baby in her womb. (THOSE women may retain some rights as "first families" or "birthmoms", and open, on-going relationships may often be best for them and their kids, and IMHO, those moms do retain some limited moral rights to relate to their children.)

 

But, no. She was so incredibly negligent and/or abusive that she LOST her rights to her kid. She isn't a victim or a hero, she is the perpetrator. Your son was the victim, and your family are the heros.

[MtnTeaching]

Wow. I am usually VERY hesitant about making comments when it comes to a situation I have no firsthand knowledge of or experience in, but I had to at least say I wish I could give you a big hug. I cannot imagine the heartache, frustration, and fear you must be experiencing. I have been following your "saga" for awhile and the circumstances just seem to get worse and worse.

 

I am stunned by the social services' advice. I cannot believe they would give you that advice and actually have the best interest of the child in mind.

The birth vessel (hard-pressed to call her a "mother" in any capacity other than biological) obviously does not have the best interest of the child as her priority.

Your ds obviously does not have the ability to discern what the best thing for him is.

 

The absolute truth is that you are the one who loves that child no matter the circumstance and you are the one who has his best interest at heart. YOU are the one who has to be strong and do the things YOU believe is best for your child. One thing I do know - parenting is hard. Doing the right thing is hard. Saying "no" is hard. You seem to be an extremely strong person and I know you want what is best for your son. Right now, he needs you to be his protector, even if he never acknowledges it. There is a very good chance that "grateful" is a word that will never enter his vocabulary where you and your family are concerned. But at 15, he is still a minor, under your roof, protected by you. You have a responsibility until that child is of legal age to care for him and to protect him until he is of legal age to make that decision. Do what you know you must do to keep him safe.

 

Are you afraid of him? Could he become physical against you or your family members if he does not get his way? Anger and words are one thing, physical is another.

 

I understand the fear that he might just decide to leave. At 15, it could be hard to stop that from happening. Do you fear that happening enough that you would consider options you know are not in his best interest?

 

Have you looked into the background of the mother since she willingly did the things that allowed her child to be taken from her? Is there a way to check her criminal background? It sounds as if she is unstable enough to have a background. If she truly has been diagnosed with mental illnesses, this is not a person who could even discern what would be in the best interest of your son.

 

The mother was wrong. SHE was the one who had her chance with her son. She blew that opportunity. He is now YOUR son. Please do what is best for your son. He needs you to be strong for him.

 

I still wish I could give you a hug.

[Murphy101]

Holy cow. I'd possibly file a restraining order and there is no way in hades I'd go visit her or invite Her Craziness to my home. And cry. I'd be a hideous lump of ugly crying too.

 

It's time to explain in no uncertain terms to the therapist that this woman is a danger to your son and your son needs lots of hugs and help coming to terms with that.

 

Yikes. I wish for his sake and yours that he had never found her. (((Hugs)))

 

Any rights her blood line connection gave her, she chose to cut when she didn't take care of him to the point that she lost custody of him.

 

I'm so sorry your son is so opposed to you and not feeling the love you have for him right now. I pray that one day he will understand. (((Hugs)))

 

When he is grown he might very well make the bad choice to have more contact with her. But for now, all you can do is love him and keep him as safe as you can and hope that some day even if he disagrees, he will respect that that is all you tried to do.

[Rose in BC]

Yes my son has had physical altercations with us and yes he could very well take off without our permission (if he has a source of money).

 

I just got off phone with councilor. (She is also an adoptive parent of special needs kids.) She said to say no to any trip that doesn't include one parent (I mean dh or I) and isn't paid for by birth family. She also advised against combining it with our family vacation. My dh and i think this is good advice.

 

Now to tell him. :(

 

And her.

 

 

[Lilaclady]

:grouphug: the counselors advice seems wise. under no circumstances should you pay for the brith family to come see you

It is just a tough situation. All the best

[Catwoman]

Yes my son has had physical altercations with us and yes he could very well take off without our permission (if he has a source of money).

 

I just got off phone with councilor. (She is also an adoptive parent of special needs kids.) She said to say no to any trip that doesn't include one parent (I mean dh or I) and isn't paid for by birth family. She also advised against combining it with our family vacation. My dh and i think this is good advice.

 

Now to tell him. :(

 

And her.

 

 

I think the counselor gave you good advice -- but I wouldn't even consider meeting with the bio mom without both you and your dh present, as well as some sort of social services type person, and it would have to be in a VERY public place. The more I hear about this woman's psychological state, the more I worry that she could be dangerous.

 

I like the counselor's suggestion that bio mom would have to pay for the trip for your family to visit. That could very well put a real monkey wrench in her plans, at least for quite a while.

 

I also agree with all of Stephanie's suggestions regarding the monitoring of phone calls and online communications. It may be the only way to ensure that the bio mom isn't putting crazy ideas into your ds's head to steal money from you and run away from home.

 

I'm not usually this paranoid, but this woman has me very worried.

[Tammyla]

I think the counselor's advice is pretty good and it gives you a little reassurance that you are making the best choice for your ds now.

 

Your ds has a lot to deal with and the more maturity he gains before getting into the middle of her chaotic life the better. Maybe knowing he is going to be mad at you and your dh at first can prepare you for his temper-blowup to try to manipulate you to his side. Ill be praying the discussion and his acceptance goes well. Some days being a good parent is really, really hard. :grouphug:

 

I agree with keeping a record of her calls, emails etc is a very good idea.

 

And I also hope your ds, can find some understanding and acceptance of her limitations and mental illness to know that she isn't able to follow through on many ideas or promises, and that he can honor and love her without giving in to her.

 

Yes my son has had physical altercations with us and yes he could very well take off without our permission (if he has a source of money).

 

I just got off phone with councilor. (She is also an adoptive parent of special needs kids.) She said to say no to any trip that doesn't include one parent (I mean dh or I) and isn't paid for by birth family. She also advised against combining it with our family vacation. My dh and i think this is good advice.

 

Now to tell him. :(

 

And her.

[Miss Mousie]

Now to tell him. :(

 

And her.

 

Can you ask the counselor to speak with your son, and either have her tell him or try to lead him to that decision on his own?

 

I'm so sorry you're being tossed about in such turbulent waters. :grouphug:

[Ruby Rose]

If someone said to me "it's my turn now" I would flip out. I would block her on his FB, block her from seeing him, change my phone number, block her #, unlist my number, delete her contact info from his phone, computer, and anything else I could do. I might even go as far as a restraining order if she continued to try to lure MY underage son to live with her in another state.

 

Draw the line in the sand. She needs to know that YOU are in charge of how much, if any access she gets to YOUR son, and she better stop all this equal rights nonsense. If she wants to meet him it will be on your terms, in your timing. I'd do a public place with a possible ride by to what is probably a crappy home. No way, no how would I allow MY child unsupervised time with this STRANGER regardless of her DNA. They could possibly sit at adjacent table for slight privacy, but that would be as far as my leash would extend.